


(you know) the ground is never too far from the sky

by daysofinspiration



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Steampunk, Angst, Autistic Slurs, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Racial slurs, Romance, Slow Burn, autistic!kara danvers, genderfluid!vasquez, nb!alex danvers, side Maggie/Lucy, side kara/lena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2018-12-17 16:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 190,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11855712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysofinspiration/pseuds/daysofinspiration
Summary: Alex's ship has a reputation for being a little odd, for their crew being a little queer and unusual. But Alex is a damn good Captain, and their ship is the fastest around.Or, steampunk skysailor au wherein nb Captain Alex and crew sail the skies avoiding pirates and oblivious to love.





	1. Lisbon, Portugal

**Author's Note:**

> Strap in kiddos.
> 
> Please heed the tags, but I'll give a heads up for specific chapters.
> 
> As this takes place in an alternate history to the Victorian Era, modern terms such as non-binary or autistic are not part of the character's lexicon. But just so we're clear: Alex is non-binary, Kara is autistic, and Vasquez is genderfluid. Anybody else should be clear enough in the text within the first few chapters. Alex uses they/them. Vas uses he/him and she/her and that will be explored in chapter two.
> 
> Title from Saving Jane's From The Sky.

Alex has known for some time now that there's a shadow following them.

The streets of Lisbon's ground harbour are crowded, cluttered, and brightly coloured. Vendors line the streets, calling out to passersby to buy anything and everything, fruit and fish, jewellery and cloth, pastries, carpentries, livestock, and all forms of tinkering trinkets. Loud voices challenge prices, bartering and bidding. People are everywhere, jostling and darting past as they seek out their goods.

The roadways, muddy with last night's rain, are clogged with street-crawlers; a cacophony of cogs and gears clicking and grinding as they carry passengers to and fro.

The smaller ones scurry and dart about, mechanical feet tapping out quick beats along the cobblestones as they carry single persons. Larger, hulking frames plod along, sheer size demanding the right-of-way as they shuttle dozens of people through the market. They puff out large clouds of smoke in their wake, black and sooty.

The sounds of the sea are ever-present; waves breaking against the rocks, seabirds gliding and circling above call out tiredly. Tethered skyships cast large, moving shadows from overhead. Crews loading and unloading shipments call to one another, using both mech and muscle to transport crates and barrels of goods between land and the hovering ships. Ropes and elevating skylifts crisscross the sky; the port is alive with another day's shipments.

The sun is out, warm and reassuring. The city folk are brightly coloured, clothing expressing their joy at the good weather. The sky and ground sailors are sullen, sweating in their darker colours. Despite the sun, the air is thick, last night's rain hanging onto the steam and soot from the skyships above and city mech below, creating a blanket of smog above the market.

Their surroundings are alive and distracting, but Alex knows someone is tailing them, a flicker of brown in the corner of their vision. Alex slows their pace, their business in town complete, and stops to buy some pastries, casually sweeping the crowd for the shadow following them.

(Being followed is nothing new for Alex. But they need to spot their mark if this is going to go in their favour.)

The pastry vendor is an older woman, a scarf tied to cover her nose and mouth against the sooty air. Her eyes smile warmly at Alex as they exchange coin, but her arm comes up and she coughs into the crook of her elbow. Only the wealthy can afford filter masks, most simply make due with scarves and handkerchiefs. The smog in this town from the city mech and the harbour isn't as bad as some of the places Alex has been, but living in the haze long enough weakens anyone's lungs.

(Alex is lucky, living on the open-air.)

Alex smiles at the woman and tips her an extra coin.

"Thank you, sir," the woman says gratefully, grasping Alex's hand in both of her own.

Alex feels a twitch but ignores the address, replying back in Portuguese, "They smell delicious," while wrapping the sticky buns in a square of cloth and pocketing them. "I hope they taste just as good."

"Such a sweet talker," the woman laughs before turning to another customer.

Alex leaves the stand and, after a moment, spots the person following them, a blur of brown cloth darting between vendor stands on the other side of the street. The person knows they've been spotted.

Alex impulsively charges forward and across the roadway, ignoring the squeal of a street-crawler swerving to avoid a collision.

It's cool between the stands, the shade from the tents blocking out the warm, yellow sun.

Their follower, a woman, is leaning against a wooden frame, stance wide and arms crossed.

"How long have you known I was following you?" she asks bluntly. The woman frowns at Alex, but her eyes are cheerful. Her lips quirk into a smirk.

"Since the bank," Alex replies, squaring their shoulders, just in case this goes sour. "You're good." They size-up the woman. "But I'm better."

"What gave me away?"

"Clothes blend in well enough," Alex says, eyes sweeping over her again, taking in the light and dark browns that easily mask in a crowd. She's in a tan-coloured dress, fabric trailing in jagged edges over her hips to her knees. She wears a tan underbust corset, darker brown panelling tied with dark lace and shiny brass clasps. The rich brown trousers lace all the way up her legs, from boots to hips. She's short, Alex notices this right away, but the lacing makes her legs appear longer. Her dark hair falls in waves down past her shoulders, and she's got a leather bag slung over one side. Alex nods towards the woman's corset. "Your brass caught the light more than once. You should cover it, or at least dirty it if you're trailing someone."

The woman nods agreeably. "I'll remember that next time."

Alex's hand drifts downwards, resting on the hilt of their pistol, weary and with every right to be. "Why were you following me?"

The woman smiles, and Alex notices dimples and soft, soft brown eyes.

"You're the Captain of the big one out there?" She gestures with her chin, upwards towards the hovering skyships. "Roaming Star?"

Alex nods and immediately knows where this is going, but they let the woman speak. "Yes."

"I hear you're the person to go to if you're looking for work and… don't want any questions asked."

Alex swallows and studies the stranger. She's small, but she stands tall and confident. Her arms are muscled, and her knuckles look a little worn. She looks strong, but she also doesn't look like the usual crowd Alex takes in as part of their crew.

"And who told you this?" Alex has a reputation among the usual harbours they dock at, but it isn't one of taking on crewmembers. Alex's reputation is more of making people uncomfortable, a little unsure of if should they address them as "sir" or "ma'am." They are tolerated by other Captains, and they have one of the fastest ships around, but most expect a Captain to be a man, not a woman, and definitely not neither. And Alex hovers somewhere around neither.

The woman names a name that Alex knows, that Alex trusts. Someone that wouldn't toss Alex's name out to the first person looking for ship work. Someone that knows the basis of Alex's crew, of the kinds of people Alex takes on and knows how seriously Alex is about protecting their crew from outsiders.

"Alright."

The woman blinks at her. "Just like that? You'll hire me on?" Her tense stance drops completely, arms uncrossing and falling to her sides in surprise.

"Oh, no," Alex laughs. "Just because you've been vetted doesn’t mean you're hired like that." They snap their fingers for effect. "You looking for work to get you someplace in particular?"

"No," she shakes her head. "Just looking to get away."

Alex glances skyward, picking out their ship from the line-up above them, their eyes sweeping over the familiar lines and curves of the hull. This is how it went with the last few stragglers they picked up and turned into long-term crewmembers. This was how it went with most of Roaming Star's crew, actually, people simply looking to get away. Away from cities and pressures, from accusations and dangers.

"Probationary period. You do alright over our next three cargo runs, and we'll take you on for good. You ever work on a skyship before?"

"Uh, no. But I've worked on a groundship. Over water."

Alex snorts.

The woman smiles prettily at her, dimples showing again. "What? Surprised?"

"Not at all, just don't see the point of groundships."

"You can't exactly fish from the sky."

They roll their eyes, but Alex has to admit that's true. "Three runs, no funny business, you follow orders. We have a deal?" They offer their hand.

The woman bobs her head and reaches for Alex's hand. Her palm is warm, her grip firm against Alex's own. "Deal. I'm-"

"Easy there," Alex jumps in, letting their hand drop. "My ship is… a place for re-inventing yourself. You give me the name you want to be called. I don't need a legal name."

The woman looks taken aback by Alex's bluntness, but she takes a moment to process what Alex has said before offering, "I'm Maggie."

Alex has a feeling they might regret this, but says, "Welcome to Roaming Star, Maggie." They nod back towards the street, and the pair begins walking, Maggie easily falling into step with Alex.

"And what do I call you?"

Alex gives her a sidelong glance and deadpans, "You call me Captain."

Maggie laughs. Alex feels themself smiling.

* * *

Before stepping foot on the ship, Maggie needs warmer clothes. Alex knows people always take for granted how cold the sky is, how cold it is flying through the sky on the fastest mech around. They ask, and Maggie admits she doesn't have a coat in her bag, just a few personal belongings.

(Is she running away?)

"Follow me," Alex instructs. Maggie grumbles but relents. Alex does this with every new recruit. The skies are a cold place. Maggie will learn.

They lead Maggie through the streets, weaving around the throngs of people, stopping at clothing vendors, making Maggie try on various leather jackets.

Maggie strikes up easy chatter with Alex as she tries on leather coats. "Aren't you supposed to have deck lights? Don't those keep you warm?" She picks up coat after coat, only briefly inspecting each before moving on, clearly searching for something specific.

"There are two kinds of outdoor lights on my ship," they explain, directing Maggie's attention to wool linings for her boots. "The cloud lamps face outwards, and make us noticeable to any other skyships."

Maggie looks up from the wool, "That's necessary? The sky's pretty big." She looks sceptical. "You'd actually run into each other?"

"Safety precaution, Skymen Guild's orders. Groundships and harbours have fog lights, same idea."

Maggie hums, tugging off a boot and awkwardly stuffing the lining inside. She wobbles on one foot, grabbing the table for support. Alex reaches over to steady her. "Thanks," she says as she smiles up at Alex. Alex immediately drops their hands.

They notice how open Maggie's face is, she isn't guarded or tense like Alex often is around strangers. Maggie smiles, carefree with someone she's only just met.

That must be nice.

They continue with their explanation. "We have gas deck lights that face inwards. They keep things visible at night. They do give off heat, and the engines and boosters are constantly burning and keep things warm. But the air gets cool up there, especially if you aren't used to it."

Maggie slides into a brown leather jacket, and Alex can tell from her face that this is the one. "I told you," she says as she twists this way and that, trying to see how the jacket fits her. "I've worked on a boat. It's cold on the ocean, too."

The shopkeeper points Maggie to a piece of mirror glass, and Maggie admires her choice. It's a dark brown tailcoat, the same shade as her trousers, with a collar, loose sleeves, and a few loops of cord to do-up the jacket in the front. A few pieces of metal chain hangs from the wrists, but otherwise, it doesn't have any shiny brass.

(Alex wonders if Maggie has chosen something without any brass on purpose, as it was the metal catching the sunlight that tipped off Alex in the first place.)

(Alex also does not think the coat looks particularly warm.)

"Trust me," they say. "It's colder in the sky than over water."

Maggie ends up buying the brown tailcoat, the wool liners for her boots, and another pair of trousers that lace up the sides just like the ones she's wearing. Alex is sceptical about how warm those will keep her but lets Maggie make her own decisions. She can always buy something else the next time they dock.

Their new crewmember is quiet as she follows Alex toward the harbour, thoughts evident on their face. Alex has a suspicion of what she's thinking about.

The first vendor had called Alex "sir," the second used "miss." Maggie's brows had furrowed at the time, questions obvious on her face, but she didn't say anything.

Alex's clothes and appearance are… ambiguous. Their hair is cut short, hanging just above the ears; it would be considered long for a man, but scandalous for a woman. They have no facial hair and soft facial features. They wear a black leather jacket, with no frills or lace, and with more brass and hooks than women typically wear. It also has a high neckline; it isn't a corset cut, but it does flare out at the bottom, giving some shape to their hips. When they're on land, Alex binds their chest, which is where a lot of the confusion comes in. Common practice is for women to wear corsets, which accentuate their waists and showcase their breasts. Alex wears constricting bands made of similar material, but they suppress, not enhance. Even if their jackets are tailored to the shape of breasts, with zippers and chains that hang in certain ways on other women, Alex's chest is kept flat.

(They don't usually bind when on the ship; the thin air and cooler temperatures can make it hard to breathe with their chest constricted. And they feel more comfortable around their crew anyway, so it isn't always necessary.)

To top if off, Alex wears plain cotton pants; they aren't loose or squared like men's, but they aren't tight and shapely like women's. And Alex prefers thick, clunky boots that go up to the knee, with buckles and brass but no obvious heel. They could be men's or women's working boots.

And there's a very obvious leather holster with a brass pistol on Alex's hip, which few women would carry so boldly.

(Though Alex could name a few.)

Alex's appearance is ambiguous, neither obviously that of a woman or a man. Inside, Alex feels ambiguous, neither truly like a woman or a man. It's taken them a long time to understand this, and to be comfortable expressing it. A long time of responding to names and dressing in clothes that felt wrong in ways they couldn't bring to words. Some of their oldest crewmates are responsible for helping Alex be who they are now, for helping them find a space to be themself.

And that's what Roaming Star is now; a place for other people to be themselves. A place for people whose appearance or choices might cause them ridicule – or in some cases put them in danger – for wanting to work on any other skyship. Alex's ship has a reputation for being a little odd, for their crew being a little queer and unusual. Alex is looked down on by other Captains; they aren't a big, strong, burly man, and they aren't a woman, but women can't fly skyships so neither should Alex.

But Alex is a damn good Captain, and Roaming Star is the fastest around, so people still give them business, even if they don't know whether to call Alex "sir" or "ma'am."

For the most part, Alex can ignore fleeting addresses like this from strangers.

(The intentional and repeated addresses of "miss" or "she" are what cause waves of pain, so Alex pretends that the little words from people they will never see again don't hurt as much as they do.)

This is what Alex is fairly certain Maggie is trying to work through. Maggie's face is open and honest, but she seems to sense this is a delicate topic to bring up.

"Back there…" Maggie begins. "I…are, um, are you…?" She starts and then her words trail off, clearly hesitant and unsure how to continue, what to say.

"I don't really feel like either," Alex offers. "Like a man, or a woman. I'm somewhere in between."

Maggie frowns and ponders this, and Alex respects, and appreciates, that Maggie doesn't immediately argue with them like most would.

Maggie just listens.

So Alex explains further.

"I'm not what society wants from me. I don't…" they hesitate, because Maggie is a stranger, and Alex doesn't offer these sort of explanations to strangers. But Maggie's presence is comfortable, is easy, and Maggie is going to be part of the crew, and there are a lot more non-conforming people on the crew than just Alex, so they need to start somewhere. "I don't want to be a man, but I don't want to marry a man either, to have babies and keep house and… My mother wanted to marry me off, wanted me to be a-" they cut themself off, sighing. "I'm just…neither."

They turn to look at Maggie, making eye-contact for the first time since leaving the market. Maggie's eyes are wide and expressive as she listens to what Alex has to say. Alex lets their face harden slightly; not to threaten, but to make it clear this isn't a topic up for debate.

But something they've said must resonate with Maggie – there's a reason Maggie was told to seek out Alex, after all – because Maggie nods and gives Alex an easy, shy smile. Her hand reaches out for Alex's and gives a gentle squeeze. Then she smirks, playfully shoving Alex's shoulder with her own.

Alex huffs and rolls their eyes. "Come on, the ship's just ahead."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

* * *

The gears clank and groan loudly as the steam-powered skylift platform cranks itself higher and higher into the sky, raising parallel with Roaming Star's steel hull. The brass of the cogs and wheels are dull from the salt water, but they diligently perform their job.

(The cogs and gears and such aboard Roaming Star's various pieces of mech are always polished and shine, but that's neither here nor there.)

Alex watches the ship, inspecting everything visible as they climb up and up. Spiders – fist-sized steam-powered automatons – scuttle along the hull and rope lines, scraping off potential ice, and testing for rust and weaknesses in the sheet metal, rivets, and bolts. Dozens of Spiders crawl Roaming Star at any given time, performing various tasks set out by the Engineer. Other sailors think of them as a nuisance. Alex thinks of them as an easy way to shave off sailing time between ports.

Maggie is turned outwards, looking down over the port town as they lift into the sky harbour. Alex wonders if Maggie has ever been this high before; she isn't turning green, so she probably isn't afraid of heights.

But being on a skylift high in the air is different than sailing through the sky at wind-racing speeds.

They crest the top of the gunwale and Alex takes in a lungful of air.

Glad to be home.

Once the platform shutters to a stop, Alex offers Maggie a hand and helps her onto the deck, then Alex vaults over the lip of the gunwale. The nearest deckhand is stacking crates with Lord Mech stamped across the boards. He calls out, "Captain on deck," and a cheer goes up from the rest of the crew.

Alex sighs, because honestly, they don't have to do this.

Maggie tries to hold back laughter at Alex's obvious embarrassment.

Before moving forward and into the role of Captain, Alex takes a moment to survey the deck, mentally counting the number of cargo pieces still visible on deck, and taking note of who and where their crew are visible. They all seem in good spirits, coiling lines, adjusting tarps. Nothing seems to have gone amiss in Alex's absence.

Glancing at Maggie they see her eyes sweeping back and forth across the deck. Taking in all the ship has to offer – brass plating, wooden timbers, canvas sails – but also taking in all there is to see of the crew.

Of which, there is a lot to take in.

One of the Guncrew walks past, bringing a heavy crate below. He wears trousers, and boots studded with buckles and chain. Over his otherwise bare and buff torso, he wears a blue leather corset with black trim. His hair is long, hanging past his shoulders, and he has kohl drawn over his eyes.

Emerging from below deck is a Helmswoman. She dons a red, high-collared blouse with gold patterns of cherry blossoms. On top of this, she wears a black corset and belt, decorated with gold dragons dancing over silver gears. A leather holster rests at her side, inlaid with gold vines and dangling red tassels.

A Topsman hangs from one of the masts, adjusting the rigging on the sails. His mauveine-dyed hair and silk green vest stand out against the white canvas he works at.

The Steward is having an animated conversation with another crewmember. Her hands are on her hips, and her burly, well-muscled arms are flexing. She wears a men's black vest and necktie, and her hair is cropped very close against her skull.

Near the stern, the Carpenter uses a variety of clockwork tools to make repairs. She wears a red and brown sari, with multiple leather straps and buckles crossing her waist. There are thick, brass plates around her wrist, and intricate chains hang from her neck.

A Deckhand helps with the loading of cargo. He is dressed in a leather and silk tunic of browns, reds, and gold, with a metal strap across his chest. Atop his head, he wears both a turban and round leather goggles.

Maggie's eyes are wide, but she seems to be taking it in stride.

Looking over at her again, Alex says, "Like I said back at the market, my ship is a place for reinventing yourself. My crew can express themselves here in ways they may not feel safe doing on land, myself included. If you have a problem with that," they pause, their meaning firm, "then I would suggest getting off now before we cast off."

Maggie is thoughtful for a moment, before surprising Alex by saying, "I like different. I think I'll stay right here."

"Good," Alex nods. "Some of them can take a little getting used to. But… try to have an open mind, and ask if you're unsure. About anything."

Maggie smiles her understanding, and Alex notices her dimples again.

By this point, Vasquez has spotted Alex and approaches them, red pocket square bright against her otherwise black attire. "Captain," she says, giving a quick salute that Alex mimics back.

"Vas, this is Maggie, our newest crewmember. Maggie," Alex waves at Vasquez, "this is Vasquez, our Cargomaster."

Vasquez smiles at Maggie before addressing Alex. "We've picked up some northbound jobs, heading for Le Havre, Rotterdam, and London. Most of this," she gestures to the abundance of crates on deck, "is Lord Mech, bound for Rotterdam. Lord is expected on deck any minute."

Alex stares hard at Vasquez.

Vasquez gives a helpless shrug. "He's accompanying his cargo. He's paying more than what we ask for passenger transport, for himself and two others."

"I can't stand him."

"I know, Captain. But he wouldn't take no for an answer, insisted he needed to supervise the transport himself. No Lord, no job."

Alex sighs heavily and closes their eyes, pinching the bridge of their nose. "Lucy made the arrangements?"

"Yes."

They open their eyes, glancing around the deck for their Chief Mate.

"She's off board," Vasquez supplies. "After the jobs were arranged she took leave. Said she was meeting up with a-"

"A friend, I know," Alex says, because this happens at all the major ports they visit. "Lucy's got friends everywhere. When do we cast off?"

Vasquez pulls out a pocket watch that is dull and tarnished from constant use. But the gears still tick and that's all that matters. "An hour, depending on when Lucy gets back."

"Alright. Thanks for the update. Back to your station, Vas." Vasquez nods at both Alex and Maggie and strides back across the deck to continue instructing the crew on where to load the cargo crates.

"Maxwell Lord?" Maggie asks. "As in, the guy behind half the mech used across Europe?"

"The same," Alex grumbles. "He is not my favourite person."

Maggie grins at them. "Noted."

James walks by, so Alex waves him over and introduces Maggie. "James is the ship's Mechanic," they explain.

He smiles easily at Maggie, wiping his hands on his trousers before offering Maggie a hand to shake. He's dressed in a pale blue button down, and there are soot and oil marks on both the shirt and his trousers.

To her credit, Maggie blinks and only stares for a moment before her eyes flicker back up to James' face and she shakes the offered hand. A clockwork hand attached to a clockwork arm.

Aside from the engines themselves, James' mech is Alex's favourite mech onboard. It's fitted with dozens of springs and gearwheels, and a hand-crank and steam piston, which provide him with basic movements. It rests over the stump of his left arm, with a strap that buckles across his chest. As Roaming Star's Mechanic, he has no problem keeping his arm in working order, always making improvements.

"That's some fancy work you've got there," Maggie says.

"Thanks, I made it myself."

Maggie scoffs, "You're pulling my leg."

James laughs, "Wish I were. Our Engineer helped me design it. Took us a few tries to get it going." He holds out the arm for Maggie to investigate, finger digits wiggling mechanically and ticking and whirring subtly.

"Does it get heavy?" Maggie asks, eyes following along the tracks of gears and springs.

"Nah, you get used to it. Most of it is old pieces we had lying around the ship. Winn, he's got – have you met Winn yet?" Maggie shakes her head. "He's the Engineer. He's got a bunch of old bits of mech laying around. If you go to places like London or New England you can buy some really fancy ones, but this," he pats it with his good arm, "does me just fine."

"Plus," Alex says, "You have to be willing to give your good functioning arm in order to pay for the city-made false ones. How'd today go?" they ask. "You got your hands on the spare parts you needed?"

James bobs his head. "Yup, finished up the repairs mid-afternoon. We're all in working order and ready to fly again."

"Vas said Max Lord's flying with us."

James shakes his head. "Try not to shoot him this time, Alex?"

Maggie's eyes widen, but Alex waves off her surprise. "No promises. M'gann got her stock of food and supplies?"

"Oh, yeah," he laughs. "She opened and inspected every crate before letting it come on board. And she said if she ever saw that merchant in Cádiz who sold her those apples again, that she'd skin him alive."

"Didn't realise I was getting involved with such a violent crew," Maggie says, looking back and forth between the two of them.

James claps her on the back. "You have no idea."

"Alright," Alex says, placing their full attention on Maggie. "Time for a tour and overview of the ship. We're standing on the port side." They point to the right, "Starboard side."

"I did tell you I've sailed before, right? I know all this."

Alex scoffs, "Sailing water and sailing air are different. You can do yourself a favour and forget everything you think you know."

Maggie glances at James for help, but he shrugs his good shoulder at her. "Captain's word is law."

Maggie grumbles and rolls her eyes, but nods for Alex to continue. Alex points towards Roaming Star's nose, "Bow," and then jerks a thumb towards the rear, "Stern. We have three masts, with three to five square sails on each." They start walking forward, and James and Maggie follow. Alex doesn't mind James' company, knowing if there was any further work needed on the engine, he would have left Alex to show Maggie around alone.

"At the prow," Alex points to the very front of the ship, "is the bowsprit, which extends out in front of the ship, and the staysails are tacked to that and the foremost mast." Maggie never said what sort of water vessel she's sailed on, but Alex assumes it was probably a smaller fishing vessel, not a full-rigged ship. They point out the triangular sails at the front of the ship and watch as Maggie looks up, inspecting them.

They lead Maggie aftward, towards the centre of the ship, and lean over the side of the hull, pointing. "Directly below the hull is the catch netting."

Maggie frowns, "As in, to catch you if you fall overboard?"

"Ideally. Once Lucy and our unfortunate passengers are on board, we'll cover safety and how to use the nets." They point down the side of the metal hull, to one of two large turbines that protrude from the stern of the ship on either side. The spinning blades are visible and loud, and snaking out from the turbine is a large pipe that intersects the hull partway up, leading to the engine room. "Those give us altitude and keep us in the air. They also give us propulsion forward if we hit some tricky air, or are in a hurry. But like a groundship, we use the wind in the sails and a keel to navigate. So far so good?"

"Turbines, up. Sails, forward. Think I got it. Is there a test later?"

"Daily tests," James says before Alex can. "Bridge?"

Alex nods, "Bridge. Lead the way."

They go below. The hull is made from metal, but the masts and bulkheads are made of wood, to reduce weight. On the first level, the main deck, James leads them to the front of the ship. "This is the bridge," Alex says, opening the hatch and gesturing for Maggie to enter first.

"Captain!"

"Clark. How's my ship doing?"

The Helmsman smiles. "Ready to cast off on your orders."

"Excellent. Clark, this is Maggie, our new greenhorn. Maggie, this is Clark, Chief Helmsman. He and his mates pilot the ship."

Maggie shakes Clark's hand, but her attention is focused on the other side of the cabin, which features a floor to ceiling glass viewport. It curves around the bow of the ship, allowing for a nearly 180-degree field of vision to the open sky.

"It's not as great a view as being on deck," Clark offers, "but it does the job." He has a proud smile on his face.

"Impressive," Maggie says. She turns to Alex. "Can I…" she gestures forward.

They wave her on, "Yeah, yeah, go ahead."

Maggie approaches the viewport. Metal beams intersect the glass panels, breaking the view into smaller two-foot squares, and she runs her hand along one, clearly fascinated. After a moment she turns back and asks Clark, "So, how do you steer this thing?"

Clark beams at her interest. "Mainly, with the wheel, but we've got panels with all kinds of mech controls and monitors." The wheel sits in the centre of the room, and on either side of it extends the control board, which have all manner of cranks and levers and springs and pressure gauges. "It actually takes a lot of training to be able to pilot a skyship as large as this. The bigger you are, the more mech you carry. And the more mech you carry, the more complicated the controls are."

Clark also points out the speaker's horn, a metal pipe that extends down from the ceiling into a horn near where the pilot would stand. It provides two-way communication between the bridge and the bow above deck, reducing the need for someone to run messages back and forth.

Next Alex leads Maggie to the berth. "This is where the crew sleeps, and where you can keep any personal belongings." Rows of bunks line the bulkheads. They have a fair-sized crew, so it’s tight quarters, but Alex has slept in worse. James points her to a set of free bunks with his clockwork hand, and Maggie drops her bag on the lower of the two.

"Not a lot of privacy," Maggie comments.

"No," James agrees, "But it will help you to get to know everyone better. We're a tight-knit group."

They leave the berth, and Alex points further down the deck. "Back there is the gundeck, where we keep the artillery. J'onn, our Boatswain and Master Gunner, will spend some time teaching you how to handle the different weapons we have aboard."

Maggie perks up with the promise of weapons training. "You see a lot of action?"

"The sky has pirates, just like the sea does."

"And here I thought this would be a stroll in the park, danger-free."

Alex and James share a look and laugh. "You're in a ship that sails thousands of feet above sea-level," James smiles, "Why would you assume there'd be any danger in that?"

"Exactly."

Alex is starting to realise that Maggie might be a handful if her sarcastic comments and impish grin are any indications.

Alex leads them down the companionway to the lower deck, walking towards the stern. "Back here is the engine room, where James spends all of his free time."

Inside the room, there are two hulking brass beasts, one on the port side and one on the starboard side. "We actually have two propulsion engines," James explains, "One feeding each turbine." Steam hisses from multiple pipes around the room, and hammers and gears clank and grind together. Brass pipes crisscross along the walls and ceiling, and large cylinders of water and pressurised gases take up much of the space. An entire gunwale is filled with pressure gauges and wheels.

The far side of the room has two alcoves with desks inset. Both are cluttered with parchments, assorted tools, and scraps of brass springs and gears. A bucket sits on the floor between the two alcoves, overflowing with spare parts.

Winn appears from behind one of the engines. "That's the turning gear, which powers the engine," he says, laying a hand on the person-sized gear on the side of the port engine. "Which is all in working order again, Captain." He smiles at Maggie, "Hi, I'm Winn, the Engineer." He looks to Alex. "New greenhorn?"

Alex bobs their head. "This is Maggie."

"Hey."

"Nice to meet you," he says. He's wearing a light brown wool vest over his shirt, but unlike James, none of his clothes have stains from working in the engine room. His tinker's goggles are perched on his head. A scar runs through his left eyebrow, across his eye and down onto his cheek. The eye is cloudy, but he still has partial vision. The hazards of working with the engines; sometimes pressure builds and springs go flying.

"Oh, are you doing the tour?" Winn asks excitedly. "This is the heart of the ship, thanks to yours truly."

"Hey!" James barks out.

"He helps," Winn says, not looking away from Maggie, "But all of the designs are mine. We've got two Alto 6-7-9-G series engines. The Alto Gs are the best piece of flying mech out there; you can't find anything better on the market. And I've made a number of improvements to them. Lord Mech has a tendency to focus on the power the engine puts out to keep us in the air, but with a few scraps and gears, I've been able to open this thing up to so much more." He pats the engine. "That's why she flies so fast. Actually, if-"

"Winn," Alex says, cutting him off.

Maggie's eyes are wide as she tries to process what he's just said. "Honestly, Alto G 9…something? That doesn't really mean anything to me."

"It will," Winn, James, and Alex all chorus. Alex rolls their eyes.

"You don't need to know everything about the engines," James says, "But you do need to be able to brag that we have the best ship out there, and what makes it go."

"Which reminds me," Alex says, giving a hard look to James and Winn in turn. "Max Lord is on board. Keep him out of here. I don't want him poking his nose around, looking at the improvements we've made so he can steal them and turn around and patent them as his own."

"Understood," Winn says.

"I'm serious. He stays out."

"You really don't like him, do you?" Maggie asks, looking thoughtful.

"They used to be involved," Winn offers, and then quickly jumps to correct himself when Alex pins him with a glare that could kill. "Or, well, Max thinks they were involved."

Alex grumbles.

"Wait," Maggie says, brows furrowing but eyes bright with mischief. "Did you shoot him before this, or after?"

"After," Winn says at the same time James says, "Before."

Maggie opens her mouth to ask more, but Alex has had enough of that. "We'll leave Winn here to finish preparing us for casting off. Come on," they say, leading Maggie away.

Maggie glances back at Winn, "We'll finish this conversation at a later date."

"No, you won't," Alex says, but knows they probably will anyway. They lead Maggie out of the engine room and point down the passageway, "Through there are the mess and the galley. M'gann keeps a tight kitchen, but she'll feed you if you're hungry."

"M'gann also knows everything that happens on the ship," James explains, following the pair. "There's no secrets with her. But watch out for her knives."

"Watch out for her knives," Maggie repeats to herself, shaking her head in amusement.

Alex points down the companionway but doesn't move to lead Maggie onward. "The orlop is the lowest crew level deck. It’s where we keep the stores of food and supplies, and the transport cargo."

Maggie nods her understanding, so Alex continues, "The stern of the ship carries a lot of the weight, with the engines and the turbines, so Vasquez's job is to balance the ship with the weight of the cargo. We're a fast ship, but we have a considerably large cargo hold, so we can take on multiple jobs at once. And below the orlop deck are the ballast compartments, where we can pump in and out seawater to add weight or counterbalance."

Maggie nods her understanding; ballast is typical on groundships.

They climb back up the companionway, surfacing above deck to the open air again. Alex points to the back of the ship. "The upper deck back there houses my private quarters and the navigation room. I'm not going to take you in there, our Navigator has an organised mess going on and likes things the way they are; it's her private space. But in there is where she plots our courses, tracks bad weather, and keeps star maps and nautical charts."

"She tracks bad weather? You don't just sail around it?"

Alex shakes their head. "Knowing when we're immediately approaching storms and bad air isn't always enough. When you sailed over water, how far out did you go?"

"Coastal," Maggie replies. "I only worked one-mast vessels, small fishing ships. Not a very far range from the coast."

"Sailing in open water, or in open-air, is different," Alex explains, leaning against a nearby crate. They look at Maggie carefully as they go on, "If we hit bad air, we have to know if it's safe to go above it, or go below it, potentially into a storm. If you have bad weather on a coastal groundship, you stay in the harbour. We're stuck out here, so we need to know exactly what kind of weather we're hitting, and how much it will put us out of the way if we try to go around it. Our Navigator has to figure out where we are and get us where we're going without any form of landmarks to guide us, but she also has to make calls about how we interact with storms.

"So she tracks them," Alex adds, gesturing back towards the navigation room, "so she can plot trouble areas, or see how a storm system is moving relative to our movement."

"Sounds impressive."

"It is," James says, glancing between Alex and Maggie. "It involves a lot of mathematics. She's a genius, she hasn’t even been at it very long. But she's really good at keeping us out of trouble. And shaving time off our runs, which is what keeps us in demand."

"Speaking of," Alex takes a few steps to the side, beckoning James with them. "How is she?" they ask, voice hushed. "She was sleeping when I left."

Maggie wanders a few steps away of her own accord, watching the crew prepare the sails and giving them some privacy.

Alex is grateful.

"She's awake; doing as okay as you'd expect. I checked in on her a little while ago. I left her some food." He lays his good hand on Alex's shoulder, squeezing it. "Go see her, I'll finish the tour with Maggie."

"I-"

"Alex, we're good," he insists. "I'll make sure Maggie doesn't fall overboard or anything. Go ahead." Alex lays a hand on top of the one he has on their shoulder, making it clear they appreciate James' offer. They walk past Maggie, giving a quick wave, and make their way to the upper deck.

* * *

Alex slips into their private quarters; a perk of being the Captain of the vessel is not having to share sleeping space with the rest of the crew. The room is dark. The overhead gas lighting, which runs everywhere below and gives off a flickering pulse and constant, steady hum, has been turned off. A thick towel – acting as a makeshift curtain that Alex hung there ages ago for this very reason – has been drawn across the porthole, blocking out the light and muffling the noise from the deck.

On Alex's desk sits a tinker mech, something Winn made a year ago. A box the size of a large book, containing inner-working gears and cogs that move a hand-sized mechanical bird which sits on top of the box through a pattern of movements. The bird is made of wires and gears as well; as it moves in a large circle around the box, it jumps, opens its wings, lands, and closes its wings in jerky movements. The bird isn't so much the feature, what makes the tinker special is the loud and repetitive clicks and whirrs the machine makes. The lulling and constant ticks are the only noise in the otherwise silent the room.

On the bed is a mass of pillows and blankets; some Alex's and some dragged from the berth. Buried somewhere underneath the nest is Alex's sister.

Alex slips out of their boots and moves silently through the room. First, they wind up the tinker's mechanism, ensuring it won't stop making the white noise anytime soon.

Then they sit on the edge of the bed, quiet and waiting.

After a few moments, Kara's hand snakes out from underneath the mass of blankets and Alex grasps it, giving a firm, reassuring squeeze. "Hey," they say quietly, pitching their voice low and even. There's a shifting of blankets, indicating Kara's heard them, but she doesn't speak.

It's dark in their quarters, but Alex reaches out with their other hand and starts to rub roughly where they assume Kara's shoulder to be. "How are you doing?"

"Okay," Kara mumbles.

Alex keeps their rubbing patient and even, breathes slowly and deeply. "James said he came by."

There's a rustling of the blankets as Kara nods, still under the covers. "He brought me some soup."

"Did you eat any?" Alex asks, glancing towards the table and taking note of the bowl and plate with an uneaten apple. Rolls of parchment and navigation tools sit next to the food, with Kara's favourite lavender corset lying on top.

"Some."

"We cast off in an hour. You'll feel better soon."

Their sister shifts again, burrowing closer and leaning into Alex's touch. Alex's touch, Alex's presence, is one of the few Kara can tolerate when this happens, when they dock the ship. When the city below is loud, loud, loud, and the loading and unloading of cargo means banging and thumping of crates and barrels, yelling and jeering of crew and dockworkers. The only way Kara can cope is to hide away. When everything is too much for her to focus on.

The open-air of the skyship is freeing for Kara.

"I have the maps ready for Clark," Kara says gently and shifts, un-burrowing from her nest and sitting up to face Alex. She still clutches one of the pillows to her chest. She's wearing a light, billowy peasant top that is sloping off one of her shoulders. It isn't Kara's; it's Alex's, the only shirt of that style they own, mostly for formal meetings at the Guildhall. Kara doesn't like loose clothes. She likes the pressure of tight fabrics on her skin, describing the sensation as comforting to her, the pressure like a constant hug.

But corsets aren't exactly comfortable when you're curling up in bed.

Alex reaches forward and cards their fingers through Kara's hair, their touch feather light. "You didn't need to do that," they say tenderly. In the dark, quiet room with only Kara's presence, Alex feels different. They feel soft and relaxed, Captain-related tension rolling off of them.

Kara shrugs, giving Alex a shy smile. "We can't go far if we don't know where we're going."

"I'm sure Clark would have managed, the general direction from here to Rotterdam is easy enough for him to figure out until you gave him proper coordinates."

Kara frowns at them. "We…we're not going to Rotterdam? Or, not right away anyway. I plotted us a course for London."

"Kara," Alex says slowly, "We aren't on an Isle run. We're running the Atlantic right now. We aren't due near London for weeks." Alex's ship follows a few general courses, to keep them from crisscrossing all over the sky. For Atlantic runs, they take jobs delivering cargo to major ports along the Northwest coast of Europe, from Portugal and France up towards Germany and Sweden. If they're running the Mediterranean, they take jobs along the coastal interior of Europe, usually spanning Spain, Italy, Greece, and into Turkey.

Isle runs, Alex's least favourite, sees them delivering cargo to all the major ports in Great Britain. The other runs leave them in the skies for long periods of time between ports. When they fly the Isles sometimes it's only a matter of hours between departing and docking. It's exhausting, both for the crew to keep unloading cargo and for Kara to be above the cities so often.

"It's a high-priority job, Alex," Kara explains. "We're re-routing to London first, and then once we hit Rotterdam, we'll fly back down the coast to Le Havre, and then maybe to Seville, we haven't been there in a while. But London first, Alex."

Alex's hand rubs along Kara's arm, the motion soothing for Kara but also to soothe themself, because, "Why? Maxwell Lord is on board-"

"He's onboard?" Kara's eyes widen.

"Yes," Alex says tersely, taking a deep breath. They aren't mad at Kara, but she isn't delivering the best of news. "He's accompanying his cargo because he has nothing better to do, apparently, and I want him off my ship as fast as possible."

"While you were gone, we took on a job to pick up cargo in London. Someone's paying us three times our rate to get there as fast as possible – and Roaming Star is the fastest," Kara smiles, but sees the tension in Alex's face and her smile fades nervously. "The papers are all over there," Kara says, nodding towards the table. "James brought them by."

Alex pinches the bridge of their nose. They hate London. "I don't want to go to London. We were just in London."

Kara gives a soft, gentle laugh, "We haven't harboured in London in three months."

"Exactly. We were just there."

"You can't keep avoiding Eliza."

"I can try. Oh, speaking of." They lie back, tugging Kara with them. Kara roughly shoves the pillows and blankets out of her way and cuddles into Alex's side, resting her head against their chest. Kara likes to listen to heartbeats.

(Because they always sound the same, she says.)

"Jeremiah sent someone our way, to join the crew."

Kara waits, but when Alex doesn't elaborate, she asks, "And? Are you taking them on?"

"Yes. Maggie. Her name is Maggie. Says she's sailed over water before."

Kara hums. "Is she nice?"

"Think so," Alex combs their fingers through Kara's hair again and Kara makes a sound of content. The two stay like this for a while, Alex softly touching Kara's hair, Kara's back, and Kara relaxes from the weight of overstimulation.

Out of the blue, Alex speaks. "I bought you some sticky buns."

It has the expected result. Their sister jerks awake and sits up, grabby hands snapping in front of Alex's face. "Yes, give me!" Even in her excitement, her words are still quiet, hushed in the dark room.

Alex hands the pastries over and Kara practically inhales them. "You are the best."

"I know, I know," they say, standing and stretching. "You'll come on deck when you're ready?"

Kara nods, glancing away. "Mmhmm." Despite their bond, Alex knows Kara is still ashamed of how she responds to being near larger cities.

"Hey," they say softly, "You'll feel better once we're out of the harbour and back in the open-air."

* * *

Alex finds them in the mess. They stand in the hatchway and watch for a moment. Maggie, James, and Winn are clustered around one of the tables. M'gann is moving back and forth between the mess and the galley, partially cooking, partially unpacking foodstuffs, and partially keeping up the conversation.

It's hardly been an hour, but already it's apparent that Maggie makes friends easily. She's the first one to spot Alex, face breaking into a smile as she waves them over.

"Getting into trouble?"

"Swapping stories."

"I like this one," M'gann says, gesturing to Maggie with the bar in her hand she's using to pry open a crate. "She's feisty."

"There's already plenty of feisty on board," Alex replies.

"Are you going to do the thing now?" Winn asks, looking earnestly at Alex. "Everybody's on board; Lucy's back, and Max Lord and his companions are here."

Alex takes a moment to try to not let out a string of curses at the reminder that Lord is onboard and they are stuck with him for days, that they can't just dump him in the Netherlands and be done with him.

"Yes. If everybody is onboard, I'm going to 'do the thing.'" Maggie frowns at her. "You'll see. It's part of the safety instructions. Nothing to worry about."

Maggie doesn't look convinced. It's probably good that she isn't.

The group stands from the table, and Alex asks for a moment alone with Maggie. The boys head above, and M'gann drifts back to the galley, unpacking provisions and cooking something that smells wonderful.

Maggie waits patiently for Alex to start talking, her face turned up towards theirs, wearing an easy, happy smile.

There are those dimples again. Alex realises Maggie smiles often. Her face is so open and carefree.

They clear their throat. "Need a second to talk to you about wages, and what happens if there's an accident."

"What kind of accident are we talking here?"

"The death kind."

"Ah."

"Guild regulations, have to be upfront about it. Since we're in a risky business," Alex explains, pressing their palms into the pockets of their pants. "After the first three runs, if I agree to make you a permanent member of the crew, you'll be paid monthly, and you're free to use those wages wherever you see fit when we harbour."

Maggie nods. "Seems reasonable."

Alex goes on, "Everyone on board is required to keep a will." Maggie's face blooms with surprise. "I know, I know," they wave one of their hands, dismissing the seriousness of the issue. "But accidents happen. I've seen them happen. All I need is, in writing, the name and address of who you'd be leaving your wages and belongings to. And… and your body, if… " they trail off.

"What if-"

Alex holds up a hand. "A lot of my crew have strained relationships with family." All, all of the crew have family issues. It comes with the territory of taking on people that don't fit in with what society lays out for them. "I don't need anything fancy, or an explanation of who they are or what your relationship is to them. I just need a name, and where to find them." Maggie opens her mouth but Alex trudges on because this is a familiar conversation with their greenhorns. "If there isn't anyone you want to name, then I'd need in writing that you agree to have your earnings be put towards maintaining the ship. And we'd give you a burial at sea; it's tradition, even for skysailors."

Maggie's face clouds as she absorbs this information.

(Alex can't comprehend how expressive her features are, really. Alex just glares at people and they do what Alex wants.)

"I don't need an answer right now," they add. "Take a day to think it over. Even if, even if home life wasn't the best, you still have to think about them, about giving them closure."

They speak from experience. They don't get along with their mother; Eliza can be frustrating and infuriating and overly tough on Alex.

(Never to Kara, though.)

But the woman is still Alex's mother. And she would deserve the right to grieve for her child.

They turn away before Maggie can say anything further, leading her back above.

Time for some dramatics.

* * *

J'onn's voice booms out like a cannon when Alex is above again. "Captain on deck!"

Alex knows it’s for show because of their passengers because J'onn doesn't say things like that. But seeing Maxwell Lord, who is standing right next to J'onn in overly flashy attire, jump three feet in the air when it happens?

Worth it.

And so very appreciated. So Alex makes eye contact with J'onn and they share wide, smug looks.

J'onn doesn't particularly care for Lord. Given, J'onn has not shot Lord.

(Unlike some people.)

But Alex knows he doesn't like the man, even if he can act more professional about it than Alex can. He stands at attention, black overcoat crisp and pristine, with numerous and intimidating buckles and chains flashing in the sunlight. A pocket watch dangles through a side loop in the coat, and a gun holster is visible on his hip. Alex knows there are more weapons hidden on his person, as there is on their own. His eyes sweep across the deck as he oversees the ship's undocking. Occasionally he calls out an order as the crew hoist lines and ready sails.

A low rumble sounds from the engine room as the ship's engines and turbines begin to warm up. Alex moves forward to oversee the cast-off but knows the crew are a machine in their own right, and all know their place and their roles in the process.

It's the passengers Alex has to lookout for.

Maxwell Lord stands in the middle of the deck, somehow looking both impressed and utterly bored. He has a female companion who is half draped over his arm, too overly done up in frills and jewels for a ship's voyage. Behind Max stands a black man who stares straight ahead, unmoving.

Alex hopes for Max's sake that the man is only a steward and not a slave. Slavery may have been abolished in some places, but it is still alive and well in others, and Alex will not tolerate it on their ship.

Lucy sits atop a barrel placed at the bow, prim and proper, legs crossed at the ankle, hands clasped in her lap. She has an impish look on her face and looks nothing like the noble lady she is. She's dressed in a maroon blouse, with ruffles down the button line and black lace on the sleeves. She wears a matching black lace cravat around her neck, with a gear broach pinned at the base of her throat. Paired with this, she wears tight, tight leather pants and knee-high boots with absurdly high heels. With a look from Alex, she jumps down, landing lightly on her feet and striding a few paces to stand side by side with her Captain. They make an impressive pair.

Down below on the docks, the tethering lines are cast off from the dock's pilings. The long heavy ropes dangle from the hull of the ship for only a moment before a hum sounds from the engine room, and the mechanical capstan begins to reel in the lines.

They drift in the air a moment before the wind catches in the sails and begins to propel them forward, the ship turning in a slow arc away from the harbour and the other skyships. A louder mech sound follows as the engines shift into gear, turbines giving off a powerful blast and angling them gently upwards in their ascent of the sky. They climb for long minutes, Alex or Lucy calling out an instruction here or there to the crew. When Clark, below in the bridge, is satisfied with their altitude, they begin to level off and the engines reduce in force and sound.

"I love casting off," Lucy says, eyes alight and the wind in her hair.

"You love everything," Alex scoffs. It's the joke on deck, that Lucy loves to love everyone, and loves everything.

She has lovers, male and female, in most of the usual ports they visit. An open arrangement, all aware she isn't fully theirs, but knowing she'll come back to them when she's in town. Like Roaming Star, Lucy has too much going in her life to want to be tied down.

(James attempted to tie her down, to futile ends. Though they share no hard feelings now.)

Lucy looks at Maggie, who stands at the starboard bow, glancing between the docks below and at the crew working the ship into the sky. "Vas said you found a new one."

"She came recommended," Alex says. "Not sure what to think yet."

Lucy studies Maggie critically. "Pretty sure on her feet, and not skysick," she jerks her chin towards Maxwell's female companion for comparison, who looks green in the face. She looks back at Maggie. "And," she smirks, "she's cute." Lucy licks her lips.

Alex shakes their head. There's a twinge in their stomach, which Alex attributes to annoyance at how crass Lucy can be. "Must you?"

"Oh, always." She looks back towards Alex, smirking, "It’s your turn this time, you know."

"I know."

Lucy stands taller, chest puffing and posture challenging but teasing. "I do it better." Her hand rests on her cocked hip, looking sidelong at Alex.

"I know," Alex says again. "It's because you're more dramatic. I'm all business. Alright, let's get started."

Immediately, Lucy bellows, "Hey, greenhorn!"

Maggie, to her credit, turns towards Lucy right away and snaps to attention. She makes her way over to them, and Lucy offers a hand. "I’m Lucy, the real one in charge here."

"Maggie."

"Ready for your first lesson in flying a skyship, Maggie?"

"Absolutely."

"Excellent." Lucy leads them towards the port bow, bidding Maxwell and his companions to join them.

"Lord," Alex says, stiff and formal.

"Captain."

"Lesson one, safety," Lucy starts. "The skies are a dangerous place, so everyone on board, crew or passenger, is expected to know what to do in an emergency."

"What kind of emergency are we discussing here?" Max asks. He's dressed in a tacky black and goal cavalier vest, with a thick burgundy frock coat. The female companion is draped over one arm and his free hand rests on a wolf's head walking stick.

(Rich bastard.)

"As in, going overboard."

"What is there to do," Max asks, "aside from fall to our death?" His eyes roam up and down Lucy, taking her in. She stands tall, unfazed by his critique.

"There are two ways to go overboard, intentional and unintentional. And there is a right and a wrong way to do both. Any volunteers for a demonstration?" Lucy asks, looking at each of them. The woman grips tighter onto Maxwell's arm, shaking her head furiously. The steward stares ahead, unresponsive. Max scoffs, exuding over-confidence and disdain with the conversation.

Maggie's face clouds, frowning and looking to Alex; she knows this is a test but isn't sure what the right answer is.

"No takers? Alright then, Alex?"

Alex vaults right over the side of the ship, no hesitation.

The pair of them have been doing this for ages now.

Alex hears a gasp and a shriek from their audience, but the sounds are immediately swept away in the fast moving air of freefall. The blast of cold air in their face is exhilarating, and they smile into the wind. Alex is impulsive and lives a reckless life, spending most of their days in a dangerous profession thousands of feet in the air. They love sailing, but nothing quite beats the thrill of this, of plunging into the sky, the feeling of only open air surrounding them.

(So long as it's controlled, the way it is right now. So long as freefall doesn't mean imminent death. Because Alex has been there before. It isn't fun.)

They are airborne for only a moment before reaching out to grasp the end of one of the lines dangling over the side of the ship. Swinging inward and under the hull, Alex lets go and twists in the air, landing on their back on the netting suspended underneath the ship.

Laying still for a moment, Alex examines the hull, eyes roaming the metal. A Spider skitters past, inspecting for any potential dangers along this part of the hull.

Once their breath is back they heave themself up and climb along the webbing to the far side of the ship and make their way up the hanging rope ladder. J'onn is there waiting, leaning over the starboard side and offering a hand to help Alex up.

"You know I hate when you do that," he mumbles to them, always protective.

They give him a soft look, "I know. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop anytime soon, though. I have to." They have to do this, keep jumping off the side of the ship, to control their fear, to face it and one day hope to squash it.

(To keep the crew from knowing how terrified they are.)

He shakes his head and Alex walks back towards the group. Maggie's mouth hangs open, eyes wide. She looks at Alex with complete respect, a mix of shocked and impressed at their boldness. "You just…"

"I did," they reply, cheeks pinking slightly at Maggie's obvious awe.

Lucy is in the middle of an explanation, describing how the netting, as well as some of the dangling lines, are purposely weighted so they hang a certain way, making it easier to grab onto and land on the net if you somehow end up falling overboard.

"Chances are," she says, "if you go over, you'll be able to grab the net. You probably won't hit the keel."

"Probably?" Max's companion asks, her voice high and tense.

Lucy shrugs. "The nets hang four feet lower than the keel, which is in the centre of the hull. So long as you don't smack your head on it when you're moving along the net, you should be fine."

"But if you fall over from the stern," Alex adds, "there won't be any netting to catch you. If that happens, do your best to avoid the blasts from the turbines, and enjoy the few seconds of freefall."

Lucy grabs one of the bundles that hangs on the inside of the gunwale. There are dozens of them, space every two or so feet around the entire frame of the ship. "If that happens, someone will go after you, with one of these." She holds up the lifepack. "Hitting water from this height is like hitting stone. These are clockwork and canvas, with an internal altitude gauge. When you hit a certain height, the gears automatically pop open the canvas to slow your fall before you hit water."

"And they shoot off a red flare when the canvas opens," Alex says. "Meaning this ship or any other in the area will be able to locate you. If you see someone go over, yell 'man overboard' and stay out of the way."

"If you go over, we go after," Lucy affirms. "In the case of an emergency, like a fire or engine failure, a klaxon will sound. You'll know it; it will be loud and brass. If you hear that, then you grab one of these, and you jump. There are more than twice as many lifepacks are there are crewmembers. We don't take any chances. You jump; when you hit altitude the canvas will open and the flare will go off, and another ship will come for us."

"What if they don’t work?" Max's lady asks.

"Lifepacks have been around for years, and we test ours regularly," Lucy explains. "You have nothing to worry about there. I can't speak for any other ships, but I guarantee you that every one you see on board this ship works."

"What about the engine? The turbines?" she presses. Alex doesn't want to know how Maxwell convinced her to accompany him, seeing the distress she's in.

"Engine's a twin Alto 6-7-9-G series," Alex and Lucy chime at the same time.

Maggie shakes her head at them, amusement written on her face. Alex forces their eyes back on Max's companion, trying to keep their voice light, to keep from scaring the woman. "They're steam engines, just like everything else you've seen in a big city. They're safe. They're Lord Mech," they nod to Max, "so you can take it up with him."

"Extremely safe," Lord says breezily, looking smug that Alex uses one of his engines. "The Alto G's were one of my best. I'd love to take a look, see if there's any improvements I could tinker with."

Alex snorts. "Engine room is closed to crew only."

"It is one of my engines, surely you wouldn't mind if I looked it over. I'm sure I could find something to improve on, tweak to help-"

"My ship, my rules." The engine may be Lord Mech, but the ship is Alex's.

Lucy turns to look at Maggie. "They're passengers, so they aren't required to learn how to jump overboard. But now that you're crew, you'll be expected to learn."

Maggie glances over the side of the ship, looking unsure.

When she looks back, Alex meets her eyes. "It's safe, Maggie," they say gently. "We'll keep you safe. The reason behind this is to keep everyone prepared while onboard."

Maggie stares at Alex for a long moment, before glancing back over the port bow again. When she turns back to them, she has a hesitant smile on her face. "Okay, sign me up."

Lucy claps her on the back, laughing and carefree. Alex holds Maggie's eyes with their own, hoping Maggie understands what she's gotten herself into.

* * *

"Bailiff went down," Lucy says by way of greeting, storming her way into Alex's quarters.

"Thanks for knocking," Alex says without looking up. "And, what?"

A London newsprint is rudely dropped down onto the charts Alex is reviewing at their desk. "Picked this up in town, forgot to mention it earlier."

It's dated a week ago. The headline is printed in large, blocky letters, stating that one of the largest merchant sky vessels went down. Alex skims the first few lines of the article, feeling their stomach drop, "Four survivors?" Their head snaps up to make eye contact at Lucy. "Bailiff was twice the size of us; their crew was three times as big. Only four survivors?"

Lucy's eyes are wide and angry as she nods. The ship's ratter sits at her feet, tail twitching as he stares at Alex. Predictably, Lucy picks up the huge, grumpy beast and moves stiffly into the room, dropping harshly down onto Alex's bed.

The cat hisses at Alex but stays on Lucy's lap as she cuddles and pets him as she works through her tension. "It was bad, Alex," she says. "It says they went down near Malta. Engine failure, shredded sails… most of the crew burned to death before they even hit the water." She hesitates a moment before adding softly, "They fell right out of the sky."

"Pirates?"

"Yeah," her fists clench in the cat's fur and her voice is like ice, "Bloody Steed."

Alex sucks in a quick breath because that ship? That ship is bad news. That ship is what night terrors are made of. As bad as any sea pirate vessel, Bloody Steed has been looting and raiding the sky for years. "You sure it's them? They've been quiet for a month or so."

Lucy gestures to the paper, "The survivors, the ones who can talk anyway, confirmed. They were flying Bloody Steed's colours."

Alex glances down again and spots the by-line, Lou Lane. Lucy's sister who writes with a male pen name to get her work out. "Lois wrote this?"

"Yeah. Last I heard, she's travelling on assignment with her team on Seatiger, on one of those shore-hopping skyship contraptions."

"She's in the Mediterranean right now? Lucy, that can't be safe."

Lucy shrugs; her relationship with her sister isn't the greatest. Generally, she tries to side-step topics whenever Lois comes up. "Her team's on a small skyship, a quarter of our altitude, none of our range. I doubt they'd be interesting enough for pirates to go after. Us, on the other hand…"

Alex drops their head into their hands, "We're heading north right now, away from where the attack was. So long as we stay on our Atlantic run for a while, we should be okay." They sigh heavily.

"Alex," Lucy's voice is hard. "'Should' is not confident."

"I'm aware," they grunt. "Tell the crew, they deserve to…" Alex trails off for a moment. "Winn. Winn got his start on Bailiff."

Lucy winces. "I forgot about that. I… shit." she trails off for a moment. "I'll tell him." She shifts, and the mostly feral cat thumps as he jumps to the ground. He glares at Alex again before darting from the room, Lucy following him to the door.

"We're fine, Luce. We'll just," a pause, "… stay out of the Mediterranean for a while, only take jobs along the West Coast. Maybe stick between France and Germany."

Lucy levels them with a hard stare. "And what happens when someone else goes down along the Atlantic? Then where do we go?"

Alex isn't really sure what Lucy wants them to say. "There have always been pirates, Lucy. As long as people have sailed – sky or water – there's been people trying to take them down. Everyone on this crew knows the dangers they signed up for. Our job, yours and mine, is to keep them safe as best we can."

She deflates. "I guess you're right."

"We've fought off pirates before. You," Alex stresses, "you've fought off pirates before."

Lucy snorts, "Ages ago."

"If I remember, you fending off those pirates was the reason you became Chief Mate." They reach out, grabbing Lucy's arm and giving her the physical contact as an affirmation of their words. "We're a fast ship with a good crew. Once we deal with this London thing, we can plan with Kara some harbours to hit that will keep us away from Malta, stay out of danger. We're okay, Lucy, we're okay."

She still looks shell-shocked, but she's newer at this. Lucy's only been sailing under a decade. Alex has been at this half their life, is stubborn and full of bravado in front of their crewmates, and has survived more than one pirate attack. They've survived a burning, sinking ship with not enough lifepacks.

Alex has survived the complete and utter terror of uncontrolled freefall towards death.

It will take a lot more than this to chase Alex out of the sky.

* * *

Dinner that evening is a dismal affair. The crew wanders into the mess in pairs and trios, working and resting in shifts. But the people eating when Alex enters all speak in low, hushed rumbles, none of the usual lively conversations shouted across the room.

Winn isn't there. Neither is Kara, though, so Alex assumes their sister is with him. Winn isn't one to let heavy news bring him down, he tends to push painful things down deep if he can, but Kara is empathetic and has a way of coaxing pain out of people and helping them heal.

They walk up to the counter, and M'gann begins serving up a plate. "Heard you spent the afternoon making your greenhorn jump off the ship?"

Alex leans on the serving counter, resting on their elbows. "For the record, she agreed to it." They glance down at the tray M'gann offers. "No soup?"

"I doubt she knew what she was getting into." She raises her eyebrows at Alex. "And soup? Who told you that I made soup?"

"Well, you made soup for Kara."

"Kara was having a bad day," M'gann states bluntly. "So I made something special for her."

"I'm not allowed to have a bad day? Maxwell Lord is onboard." They are going to keep repeating this until everyone understands how much they are not pleased with him being on their ship.

M'gann laughs, not overly loud, but it rings out in the otherwise quiet room. "You know as well as I do that soup is not what you want on bad days." She gestures behind her. "I've got four bottles in the back with your name on them for your bad days, Captain. And trust me, you don't want to use them all up on day one with Lord."

Alex narrows their eyes but doesn't argue. "Soup would be nice, too," they mutter, turning away to find a seat.

Alex sits, and M'gann slides into the seat next to them. They stare at her, and M'gann shrugs in response. "It's quiet, anyone else can serve themself." She waits until Alex has taken a few bites before saying, "So, where'd you find her?"

"She found me."

"Jeremiah sent her?"

Alex nods.

"I thought last you heard, he was in Norway? What's he doing in Portugal?"

"I have no idea. I stopped asking a long time ago."

"But if he recommends someone to join your ship, you take them on, just like that?" M'gann doesn't look impressed.

"He's my father. I trust him, even if I haven't seen him in years. He accepted… he took," they gestures vaguely towards themself, "all this better than my mother did. So if he says she'll fit in here, if he can vouch for her, then I'll take it."

M'gann looks thoughtful. There's a small smile on her face as she asks, "Did you ask her how she knew Jeremiah?"

"I…" Alex thinks for a moment, recalling their initial meeting with Maggie. They frown. "No, I… I didn't. Huh."

M'gann sighs at them, exasperated at Alex's carelessness. "How are you the Captain? You're the one making decisions for the rest of us? A pretty girl smiles at you and you bring her onto the ship, no questions asked?"

"I never… I didn't," they stumble through their words awkwardly, flustered. "I didn't say she was pretty," They grumble. "You sound like Lucy."

"Well, Lucy is an excellent judge of pretty people."

Alex glares moodily, not liking how the conversation is going. "You said earlier that you liked her."

"And I do," M'gann agrees. "I'm a fantastic judge of character. I think she'll fit in well." She stands, leaning over the table to look at Alex before going back to her post. "I just can't believe you sometimes. Distracted by cute girls."

"I'm not distracted," Alex hisses. "And I never said I thought she was cute."

M'gann smiles wide; she's caught them. "So you don't think she's cute?"

"I, wait, ugh," Alex trips over their words, trying to come up with a reply that won't dig this hole any deeper. Of course, objectively they think Maggie is cute, anyone would agree with that. Maggie is a nice, attractive looking person. But Alex personally doesn't find Maggie pretty in a romantic way. Alex is the Captain and doesn't have time to focus on those sorts of things.

The only reason they're flustered, Alex thinks, is because M'gann is good at teasing them.

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" Alex finally spits out.

"Uh, yes, completely," M'gann laughs, walking back to her counter. "It's my job to remind you that you aren't as calm and collected as you let the crew think you are."

(The heat in their cheeks is because that's always what happens when someone teases Alex. It has nothing to do with if they think Maggie is pretty.)

(Which Alex does not.)

(Except for in a normal, objective way.)

(Nothing more than that.)


	2. London, England

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on tumblr @daysofinspiration, my steam fic tag has bonus material for this fic.

_Alex first joins a skyship crew when they are sixteen. Their father disappears for longer and longer periods of time for work, with no tangible explanation given, just an "I'll be back soon" tossed out before the door is slammed. The family gets a letter every few months, each time stamped with the address of a different city, a different country._

_A different place further and further away from home._

_Eliza takes it well enough, busying herself with her work at the hospital and keeping her true feelings about it from her children. But she is always right there, peering over Alex's shoulder. While Alex's father's time in their life grows less and less, their mother's presence fills the empty space, pressing down on Alex with heavy aspirations for the future. Continue with schooling, do better with schooling, work harder at schooling. So much schooling. Eliza is a nurse, but she pressures her children to achieve more. "It isn't easy, it’s looked down upon, but it isn't unheard of for women to get their doctorate," she says to Alex._

_It's suffocating._

_On top of this, there is the pressure to look out for Kara. Kara, a happy child who only wants to enjoy life, but who is ridiculed by the other schoolchildren. Kara comes alive during summers in the country, playing with farm animals, running barefoot through fields, staring up at the huge, endless expanse of stars shining every night. She seems to wither and droop under the noise and soot of London proper, though. For Alex, the loudness that is London is simply the norm; for Kara, it means clenched fists, hiding in small spaces, and unexplainable tears._

_Caring for Kara isn't a burden to Alex, but it isn't always easy._

_And then, of course, the potential suitors. Not satisfied with pressing Alex into a career Alex isn't sure they want, it seems to Alex that their mother is constantly trying to force them into a mould for the perfect, demure lady and marry them off. They know Eliza has lived a hard life, only wants to push her children to their full potential, to make sure they are set up for a good, well-off life. But there are only so many times Alex can endure the crimping and curling of long hair, of lacing up tight corsets and drowning underneath layers of skirts and dresses, of being forced to study to become a doctor during the day only to come home at night and be paraded about to men, men, men._

_There are only so many times Alex can stand to see themself in the mirror and not understand why the bile rises in the back of their throat. Not understand why but feel it burn all the same._

_So, they leave._

_Not without a goodbye, of course. Kara cries, but she empathises with Alex saying they need space but without being able to put into words why exactly they need to get away. So she hugs Alex tightly, making them promise to be safe._

_Eliza is stiff and formal, but not unkind. Which is the most Alex could ask for, really. They know Eliza loves them, she simply doesn't project it outwards to the same extent she does with Kara._

_After some convincing – but Alex has always been stubborn, and doesn't take no for an answer – they find a place on a two-mast vessel named King's Hound. Alex chops off their hair and wears loose, boy's clothes. A little old for the position, they initially function as the cabin boy, running messages and performing errands, and slowly learning the trade of sailing the sky._

_Aside from the Captain and the Chief Mate, J'onn J'onzz, it isn't common knowledge to the rest of the crew that Alex isn't a boy._

_Which suits Alex just fine. It isn't perfect, but it's better than being forced into ruffles and lace all the time._

_The freedom of the sky is what matters and, with time, Alex learns that that freedom means more than not being grounded to one location and to parental aspirations._

_It means they can be true to themself._

_It means they can_ be _themself._

_And it means they can share that freedom with others._

* * *

Maggie takes to the skies well, Alex notes two days later. Roaming Star left Lisbon in the afternoon and Alex spent the rest of the day having Maggie jump overboard to practice using the netting and the lifepacks, as well as teaching her general safety and sailing techniques. Each time Maggie jumped over, J'onn would fly Death Trap down to retrieve her.

Death Trap was the name Lucy had given their utility ship, the two-person flying machine which normally hung over the back of the stern and was generally only used for retrieving airborne crew or taxiing between ships or down to the docks quickly in emergencies.

Alex let Maggie take it easy her first full day on the ship, which was when the altitude sickness hits. For most the first few hours on board are okay, it's after you've slept the first time that it hits you. Maggie took it well, experiencing only dizziness and mild nausea.

Maxwell displayed no symptoms whatsoever, and Alex is irked but ultimately unsurprised by this. His steward looked pale in the face but remained at his post shadowing just behind Max. His female companion did not take it well and did not surface above deck at all.

Now it's Maggie's second full day on board and she is doing fine.

She's only sailed on small, single-mast vessels before this but Roaming Star's larger size and multiple masts don't slow her down. Alex calling out terms like "mizzen mast" or "topgallant sail" doesn't confuse her. She asks if she's unsure, but generally, she doesn't need to ask.

And her dedication. Alex stands on the deck, awed by how willing and easily Maggie scales the masts, climbing up rigging lines. She's thousands of feet in the air but unconcerned as she manoeuvres the ropes to adjust the sails on Alex's instructions. Maggie is confident in her movements. She jumps in head first, fiercely determined and seemingly undaunted by the danger.

Currently, she's hanging upside down by her knees from one of the yards, adjusting a sail line.

She doesn't need to be upside down but Alex thinks Maggie is showing off.

(J'onn had to remind Alex that they were just as reckless and eager to please when they first joined a skyship crew, scrawny and all of sixteen years old.)

Maggie picks up things quickly though. She doesn't quite have a handle yet on  _when_  to perform certain actions, like changing the angles of the sails to catch the wind in a particular way. Small, close-to-home sea vessels use the wind differently than fully-rigged skyships, especially when you also have thrusting engines to consider. But Alex walks her through all kinds of situations and Maggie takes it all in stride.

She listens attentively, which Alex appreciates. Maggie knows how to sail over water, she knows things like how to tie knots and climb lines, but she doesn't let any pre-existing knowledge of sailing bleed into cockiness.

"Alright, come on down now," Alex calls up.

Maggie continues hanging for a moment before swinging her upper body up and grabbing onto the yard. Alex watches attentively as she climbs down, eyeing where Maggie places her hands and feet in her descent.

The last thing Alex needs is for the new greenhorn to slip and faceplant onto the deck only two days in.

They don't think that would happen, Maggie is dauntless but not careless. But Alex still keeps a careful eye on her, more so than they would with someone else. Maggie fascinates Alex. Where Alex is careful and planned, Maggie jumps right in. Alex is normally more reserved when meeting new people, especially a large group all at once, but Maggie seems to socialise with the crew easily, chatty and easy-going with all.

Alex hasn't learned a lot about who Maggie is yet; Alex has noticed Maggie easily sidesteps personal questions. They want to know more. They want to understand this new woman on board.

"So how'd I do?" Maggie asks when she has both feet firmly on deck again.

"Not bad."

"Not bad? That's it?" Maggie glances briefly back up the foremast, appraising her work. "I think I did pretty damn good, Captain."

"Alright," Alex amends. "You catch on quick."

Maggie flashes a happy smirk. "Well, I have a great instructor."

"I, well, I'm just, I'm still taking it easy on you." Alex isn't used to this, this happy banter they and Maggie seem to share, that Maggie draws out of them.

Alex is first and foremost the Captain, they have to be assertive and a leader. Sometimes abrasive and demanding, Alex puts up a front with the crew, knowing they have to be strong and confident in order for the crew to respect them. They aren't rude or demeaning, but they are in charge, so they can't always be friendly with the crew, not when they are giving commands and making the hard decisions.

With Alex's close circle, things are more intimate.

Winn is like a younger brother that Alex loves to tease and pick on and joke with. They care for Winn; Alex will rip apart anyone that tries to hurt him. They were distraught for days after one of the engine gauges exploded and nearly took out his eye, scarring and partially blinding that side of his face. They tease him and can be exasperated by him, but they love him.

With J'onn, things are easy. With J'onn, Alex can be hot-headed and blow up but know he's being truthful when he forgives them for it later. They've sailed with J'onn for so long now, they've come to expect the way he looks out for Alex, they feel reassured when he acts fatherly towards them. With J'onn, Alex doesn't need to hide, can't hide, because he knows them so well. He sees everything Alex is and is proud of them.

Lucy and Alex are competitive, always trying to outdo the other. Lucy is spunky and daring and she keeps Alex on their toes. But they have deep respect and loyalty to each other, communicated through how they run the ship with ease, always having the other's back and knowing what the other will do and say. There's a deep love there.

And with Kara. Alex is softer, gentler with Kara. Alex is fiercely protective and would do anything for Kara, but around their sister, Alex can be more vulnerable. Being with Kara allows Alex to be relaxed, to be more carefree. They can joke and laugh like siblings do, but Kara can see through Alex's walls and allows Alex to be a little less Captain and a little more human.

But with Maggie, things are different. Not unwelcome, but, new.

Alex isn't used to the playful banter that suddenly comes so effortlessly, like they've known each other for years. They didn't expect to get along with Maggie so quickly, so effortlessly. Maggie makes Alex laugh, easily so. Alex feels more awake, more attentive when they're around Maggie. It's like she's drawing Alex in, like she takes up all the space in Alex's awareness.

Alex isn't sure what to make of it all, but they enjoy it. They enjoy being around Maggie.

"What?" Maggie asks, and Alex realises they've been staring at Maggie with a stupid smile on their face.

"Nothing, it's nothing," they rush out. "Just, considering admitting that you having sailed over water isn't the worse thing in the world."

Maggie raises her eyebrows and then shows her teeth as she laughs. "I'm going to remember you said that."

"I didn't say it, I said I was considering it."

"Tough luck," Maggie says. "I'm still not going to forget it, Captain."

Alex tries to ignore how hearing Maggie call them 'Captain' makes their chest expand in a way it doesn't when the other crewmembers call them Captain.

"You sure you're alright?" Maggie asks, the teasing note in her voice easing into concern.

"I..." They glance to the side and are grateful to see their sister approaching. Alex tries not to breathe out a sigh of relief.

(They aren't really sure why they feel relieved to see Kara, exactly.)

"Delivery for the greenhorn," Kara says, making her way over to them. She carries a tray with some bread rolls and fruit on it. "M'gann says you," she looks pointedly at Alex, "need to let the new girl stop and eat, otherwise she'll be so hungry she'll fall right off the rigging."

Maggie laughs, "Thank you, Kara."

Kara hands the tray off to Alex and then stands, bouncing on her toes. "Have to stand up for the new people."

"Hey," Alex says, half-offended. "Maggie's just fine, I'm not overworking her."

Kara shrugs, "I'm just repeating what M'gann said. Oh!" She rockets forward on her toes in her excitement, almost falling over, and has to take a second to right herself. "Vas said to tell you, he caught Max Lord snooping around below deck. He told Max off, but he said we should keep a tighter eye on him."

Alex lets out an annoyed puff of air. Maxwell Lord is a pain in their side they can't remove.

Noticing Maggie frowning, Alex asks, "What's wrong?"

"Isn't Vasquez the Cargo-... woman?" Maggie asks tentatively.

Alex feels a twitch in their chest, like something snapping from the inside, and they stiffen, face hardening reflexively. Kara gives a small pout.

Even though both reactions are small, Maggie notices right away. "What?" Her face falls, unsure what she's done to upset them both. "Did I get it wrong?"

Kara opens her mouth, rushing to assure and explain, but Alex lays a hand on their sister's arm and takes a half step forward. "It's okay, Kara." They look at Maggie and force a gentle smile onto their face because Maggie is new and still learning, Maggie didn't know. "Why don't we go up to the stern and eat, and I can explain."

Maggie studies Alex, hesitation evident on her face. One corner of her mouth is pinched. But after a moment, she agrees. "Okay." She sounds unsure, like she thinks she might be walking into a trap.

But she still follows Alex.

The pair takes the steps to the upper deck. Alex places the tray of food on a barrel and then leans against the stern fore rail. Maggie jumps and sits on top of a second barrel. She reaches over and grabs a bread roll, taking a bite before saying, "So what did I say wrong? The temperature over there changed instantly."

Alex fiddles with the cuff of their jacket before looking up at Maggie. They try to keep their tone light as they explain, "I know you didn't mean anything by it. So does Kara. Vasquez…the last few days, Vas had a red piece of fabric…" Alex gestures awkwardly to the front pocket of their jacket.

Maggie's eyes narrow in confusion, but she nods that she remembers.

"Today, Vas isn't wearing the pocket square. It means something, it's a symbol to the rest of the crew. I guess Vasquez hasn’t had a chance to talk to you about it yet."

"I'm not following."

Alex sighs. They should go and find Vasquez, let him explain. Vasquez wouldn't make a big deal out of it, he understands that it can be hard for people to grasp at first.

But Alex doesn't want to make Maggie feel worse, they know it was an accident. Leaving to get Vasquez would make this larger than it is, would draw attention to and increase Maggie's obvious discomfort. And Alex is the Captain, they should be able to discuss these sorts of things with their crew.

They want to keep this moment private with Maggie. Selfishly, they want this moment with Maggie for themself. The situation is uneasy, but Alex thinks they can keep it light, thinks they can help Maggie understand.

(Maggie understood about Alex, after all.)

And it isn't like this is a secret for Vasquez. It comes so naturally to him, easing back and forth, finding where he is comfortable and letting the rest of the crew know. Vasquez has been toying between man and woman long before joining the crew, he found the balance early in life.

Vasquez slips back and forth effortlessly, is comfortable with himself in a way Alex can't achieve. Alex is always aware. Alex is always aware of this differentness about them, this otherness inside them. They feel at home on the ship; Alex feels most like themself when they are in the sky. But it's still there, in the back of their mind, this awareness that Vasquez dances easily and Alex doesn't know the steps.

Alex doesn't feel like a man, or like a woman, the way Vas does. They don't feel the same as Vasquez does.

But they do feel envious that Vasquez is so open, so unflustered, so comfortable with who he is.

Alex binds their chest when they're on land, enjoys the ambiguity it creates. But is always aware of the eyes on them and wonders what people see when they look at Alex.

They feel more comfortable on the ship, but they can't bind there. The physical labour and the altitude cause pain. They feel more at ease around the crew that accepts them, but in the sky, Alex is more aware of their body's shape.

So Alex is envious of how easily it comes to Vasquez.

Sometimes Vasquez is so open about who he is that he forgets he needs to backtrack and explain when they take on new crewmembers. Alex has had to have this conversation before; Vas has insisted Alex have it on his behalf when he doesn't remember to, has assured Alex numerous times that he doesn't mind.

Alex has been here before.

But this feels more tender, more hesitant.

Maybe it's because Maggie is different. Maggie makes Alex feel at ease and flustered all at once.

"Alex?" Maggie prompts.

(How long have they been silent?)

"When Vasquez is wearing the red square, she feels like a woman," Alex blurts out in an awkward haste. "When he's not wearing it, it means he feels like a man."

Maggie opens her mouth but doesn't actually say anything. She breathes out and then closes it again.

The longer Maggie doesn't speak, the more uncomfortable Alex begins to feel. Roaming Star and the crew aboard are not for everyone. It's why they hide out in the sky, jumping from one place to the next, never staying long enough for people to get close to them. Most people live in black and white. Most people would try to ground them, have tried to ground them, because of who they are.

Alex had hoped Maggie wasn't most people.

"I'm not..." Maggie finally says, then stops. She turns, looking out over the deck, at the crew. Alex stays very still, watching Maggie watch the people on deck go about their tasks. It's quiet at the stern, the wind steadily blowing, blocking out much of the chatter from the people before them. The air is crisp, though not cold, but Alex still feels gooseflesh rise on their arms.

The moment feels fragile. Maggie is quiet, seeming to work her way through what Alex has said, what she's experienced so far of the ship. It feels like a chasm has opened up between Maggie and Alex, made of glass, and if Maggie puts too much weight on it, it will shatter.

"I'm not sure I understand. I think there's a lot on this ship that I don't, I don't fully understand, but I..." She looks back at Alex, eyes so brown and so expressive, "I think I probably could?" Her voice raises, the hesitant question hanging between them.

Alex lets out a breath. The glass doesn't break.

"You should talk to Vas about it, let him explain." There isn't much more to explain than what Alex has already said, but Maggie should still talk to Vasquez.

Maggie still looks unsure of herself. "Is it okay that I don't understand? I don't want them to..." She lets the thought trail off, waving towards the people on the deck below.

"It's okay if you don't understand right now," Alex assures her. "As long as you aren't intentionally mean. Everyone here gets that you're new, that a lot of this is probably outside what you've ever experienced. You have to understand, though," Alex chooses their words carefully, not wanting to spook Maggie. "The crew is protective of each other. Some of us have been through a lot. Many of them... it's dangerous for them, back on land, to be themselves."

"I get that," Maggie says, and she says it in a way that makes Alex think Maggie has experienced that kind of danger firsthand. Her face darkens in a way Alex hasn't seen before.

"I don't just mean physically dangerous. I, I mean that too," Alex's words rush out faster than they intend them to. They take a breath, trying to relax the tension in their chest. "But I also mean mentally. It can eat away at you, being told you're wrong, thinking that you're wrong."

"Living behind a mask," Maggie adds.

Alex moves away from the rail, stepping towards Maggie. They keep the barrel with the tray of food on it between themself and Maggie, careful to give her space. Both of their words hang in the air, heavy with meaning.

"Why did Jeremiah tell you to find me?" Alex picks up one of the apples off the tray but doesn't eat it, just rolls it between their hands. Pretends the question isn't as loaded as it is.

There are walls behind Maggie's eyes. These last few days, Maggie's face has been so expressive, so open. She's been caught up in the adventure of flying, the freeing feeling it brings. Her face is different now. Her mouth is drawn tight, chin jutted forward. There's tension visible in her neck and in her brows.

And her eyes are dark and unreadable.

Alex wants to be able to read what Maggie's eyes mean.

Maggie looks away when she speaks, looking out at the open sky past the back of the ship. "I was in a bad place. He found me and, it took some convincing but..." She forces a sharp, harsh grunt of amusement. "I needed a change, so I figured, why not?"

Alex wants to be able to read what Maggie's eyes mean, but doesn't push her any further. The conversation already feels heavier than Alex intended. They don't want to scare Maggie off, so they simply nod silently when Maggie asks if she can take a break in her bunk for a little while before they get back to her training.

Alex stands by the barrel for a long moment, thinking about Maggie and what kind of pain Maggie lived with back wherever home was for her.

* * *

Alex and Vasquez wander into the mess the next afternoon, as the sun begins to set, both feeling tired and hungry and very, very sore.

(Fucking Maxwell snooping around where he doesn't belong.)

The mess is loud and crowded. Everyone seems to be in good spirits as laughter and chatter fill the room. It's bright, all of the gas lighting fixtures burning brightly, bathing the room in a warm, happy glow. And the inviting aromas of M'gann's cooking can be smelled from well down the hall.

The two gather their meals from M'gann, neither doing much talking and move towards the table Clark is sitting at, waving them over excitedly. With him are James and Maggie.

Vasquez, balancing her tray in one hand - the other is bound in bandages - drops heavily into the chair next to Clark.

Alex sits gingerly next to Maggie; their entire torso is one big ache.

By now, Maggie's had time to talk to Vas, who couldn't really offer much more than Alex already did. Maggie still seems a little unsure about how exactly Vasquez knows if she feels like a man or a woman that day. But she's respectful, and she's trying to properly slip between pronouns like the rest of the crew do naturally.

"Looking rough, there, Captain," Clark says. "All good?"

Alex mumbles something non-committedly.

"Are you alright?" Maggie asks softly, watching Alex.

"I'm fine, thanks," Vasquez says teasingly, waving her bandaged hand. Alex has no visible injuries, but their slow, careful movements betray their pain. Vasquez, on the other hand, is clearly injured.

James has a concerned look on his face and he glances between the two. "What happened?"

"Lord," Alex answers, and they see Maggie next to them smirk into her dinner. "What?"

"I've only been here a few days, and already it seems like if you're angry about something, he's behind it."

Alex huffs in response and rolls their eyes. It's true, but still.

"Everybody's favourite ratbag," Vasquez starts, "decided one of his mech was damaged during loading." She throws the group an exasperated look, eyes wide with disbelief and the insult she takes to someone insinuating cargo was damaged on her watch. "He demanded we unpack the crate so he could take a look. What he failed to mention was that the mech was on wheels and the brake mechanism wasn't thrown."

"I got smashed between a six hundred pound steel mech and another crate. Vas got her hand sliced open."

"And let me guess," James says, "the mech was fine?"

"Not even a scratch," Vasquez growls.

Alex adds, "Except now there's blood on it. And some of my pride."

"He's a piece of work, that one," Clark says. "But we'll have him off-board soon."

Alex grumbles to themself, "Not soon enough."

The group chats some more about Maxwell and how much he gets on everyone's nerves, Vasquez full of colourful and creative words to describe his arrogance.

They continue talking, and James reaches across the table with his clockwork arm to snag a roll of bread off Clark's plate.

Alex notices Maggie watching, fork frozen and eyes looking at the false arm. Alex shifts in their seat, giving Maggie's shoulder a nudge.

Maggie turns and looks at Alex, and Alex glances at James' arm and back at Maggie, raising their eyebrows and giving her an encouraging smile.

Maggie stares at Alex for a moment longer, a thin line of tension near the corner of her mouth. Then she speaks up. "So James... about that arm."

"Pay up," Vasquez says immediately, playfully smacking Clark in the arm with one hand while using the wrapped one to stab her food with her fork. She glances at James. "You too, let's see the coin."

"Pay up?" Alex repeats, looking around the table.

The three of them have the decency to look guilty.

"You bet on how long it would take me to ask about his arm?" Maggie sounds somewhere along the border between sceptical and amused.

"It's kind of a tradition we have with all the new greenhorns," Clark says.

"A tradition?" Alex asks sternly.

"Clark," Vasquez hisses and whacks him again, this time square in the chest.

Alex bites down on their lip and shakes their head at the group of them, trying to look forceful and hold back the laughter.

"What do you want to know?" James asks when it's clear Alex isn't going to scold them for betting on Maggie.

Maggie ponders for a moment before saying, "You said you and Winn made it. When?"

"About two, two and a half years ago?" He glances to Clark for confirmation, who nods. "Not long after I joined the crew. We were in New England and saw someone with a mech arm. Winn figured he could design a better one. Took us a little while to work out the kinks, but it moves like a breeze now."

Vasquez says, "Didn't the first one break when you were making repairs to the keel?"

James laughs, "Oh yeah. The entire hand broke off. Lost that to sea."

"And," Clark adds, "a seabird ate one of the fingers on the new model a few months after that."

Maggie snorts and shakes her head.

"I fly with a crew of children," Alex mumbles low so that only Maggie can hear. "I love them, but sometimes," they close their eyes and pinch the bridge of their nose.

Maggie tries not to laugh as she asks, "How'd you lose the arm?"

"It had to be cut off, actually. There was a really bad fire, the building fell on me and it got infected. It was... it was pretty bad. Did not smell great."

Maggie makes a face.

"Yeah, it wasn't one of my better days. It was also how I got arrested."

"What? You were arrested?"

Clark smiles and says, "I love this story." Vasquez nods in agreement.

"I grew up in Marseille," James explains. "It's a big city, so there are some areas that," he pauses a moment, choosing his words thoughtfully, "were not as well kept as others. We did okay, but there were a lot of people that had it worse. There was a lot of crime in my area. As I got older, I started to try to do something about it. Little things at first. Stop someone from robbing my neighbour, chase down someone who shot a friend. It became something I could do, to help people."

He looks at Maggie seriously, but the whole table can hear the pride in his voice as he speaks.

"But," he laughs, "Not everyone saw it that way, so I was blamed for a lot of things too. My parents worked at a street-crawler manufactory; brought me with them when I was little. That's where I fell in love with taking mech apart and putting it back together, and I started working there too. But one time, one of the steam vats in the factory exploded and I was blamed for that because a few people had seen me in the area. Not, not me," he explains "But this mysterious person I'd become. The guy in the mask."

Maggie raises her eyebrows. "You wore a mask?"

James makes a face of false-offence, "Of course." He presses a hand against his heart dramatically.

"Get on with the story," Vasquez presses.

"Anyway, about my arrest. There was this robbery and I was trying to save the shopkeeper. There were three or four guys with seriously mean revolvers. They set the place on fire; blew the gas lighting in the shop and the building partially collapsed on us.

"I saved the store owner," James goes on, "but my whole arm was badly burned, and the lower part had been crushed under some of the brickwork. It was a mess." He shakes his head, remembering. "It was, it was a lot of pain. And when we got out, there was law enforcement waiting."

"And you were dressed in the mask?" Maggie guesses.

"Correct. I was dressed in a mask. I was arrested, and while I was detained was when I got the infection. They cut it off at the elbow. The stump still has the burn scarring."

"Were you..." Maggie seems hesitant to ask her next question. "Were you awake?" She leans back like she already doesn't want to know the answer.

She leans back, consequently, into Alex's personal space.

(Alex isn't sure why they don't mind.)

James rubs the clockwork arm with his good one. "They used a cutting rig, so, no, I wasn't awake," he says, explaining the amputation apparatus used in hospitals. Alex has never used one, but they encountered demonstrations of it while studying for their doctorate and think it's a revolutionary piece of mech. The saw's blade is attached to a set of gears, which move when the hand crank is turned. It cuts through bone much faster than sawing by hand. The front of the cutting rig also holds the inhaler device, which uses rubber tubing to connect the patient's mouth to the anaesthetic gas chamber, quickly rendering them suitable for amputation.

"I was kept in the hospital under patient arrest for three days," he goes on, rubbing a hand over the top of his head, "to ensure the wound wouldn't develop blood poisoning. Between transferring me from the hospital and back to the detention prison is when I made a break for it. I-"

"So here's James," Alex cuts in, words rising right over top of his, "running through the docks, arm amputated and wound sewn closed only days earlier. He's wrapped himself in a dark jacket so you can't see that most of his arm is missing, but the rest of him still looks pretty rough. He stumbles up to the first skyship he sees to try and get out of town. But does he ask the Captain for safe passage?"

Maggie shakes her head, easily catching where their story is going.

"No," Alex goes on. "He asks this gear-louse." They point across the table to Clark.

"What?" Clark laughs in response, "A man staggers up to you, bleeding, and asks for a place to hide? What was I supposed to say?"

"You were supposed to say, 'let me ask the Captain' not 'sure, let me help you hide below the bridge.'"

"Alex, he was bleeding," Clark says earnestly. "And he said no questions asked. That's our policy."

Alex growls.

"Admit it," James smiles brightly at Alex, teasing. "You're glad he snuck me on board."

"How long did they keep him hidden?"

"Just under a week. J'onn was the one who found him," Vasquez says. "Amazingly, no infection."

"And that, Maggie, is the story of why I don't go off-board when we dock in Southern France."

Maggie laughs. She looks to Alex. "So you let him stay on, even though he was a criminal?"

"I had no choice," they say, unable to stop the smile from forming. "By the time J'onn found him Winn already knew about him. And he and James were already working on improvements to the ship's engines. He's useful."

"And he's pretty," Vasquez says bluntly, "and that's why we all agreed to let him stay on."

That evening Alex and J'onn have a talk with the rest of the crew about any other traditions that might be happening on board under J'onn and Alex's noses.

There's a few more that are admitted sheepishly.

It comes as no surprise, really, that Lucy knows about every single one.

* * *

Dawn is still a few hours off when Clark guides them down into London's sky harbour four days after they've left Lisbon, levelling the ship off a hundred feet above the docks. They've dropped their lines and the few dock workers below tether them down.

The city is quiet, still sleeping. Much of the loud, clanging sounds of the city are muted, muffled before the sun rises and another day begins. There are few people on the docks, and many of the street-crawlers and other steam beasts are silhouettes, unmoving metal skeletons.

Kara stands at the bow with Alex. She can handle London before dawn.

"Do you think we'll have time to see Eliza?" Kara asks.

Alex snorts. "You can. I'm not."

Kara doesn't get the chance to give a reply.

A wooden skylift platform crests over the port bow and a woman stands on it, climbing onto the deck before the lift even stops moving. She wears a dark grey cloak, hood pulled up, moving easily through the shadows of the dim morning.

"I'm looking for the Captain?"

Alex steps forward.

"My name is Lena Thorul. I commissioned you from Lisbon?"

Alex gives a small nod of acknowledgement. "Welcome aboard Roaming Star."

"I've heard good things about your ship, Captain. It was why I sought you out personally. As promised," she produces a small satchel from underneath her cloak and jingles it. "Full payment for your haste."

Alex keeps their face even as they say, "Our bargain was not for full price."

Lena gives a challenging smile. "Oh, you misunderstood me, Captain. One full payment upon arriving in London. And then I'll pay you another full payment upon loading and departure, and a third full payment once we arrive. The port of La Rochelle, France, as fast as possible." Lena stands tall, assertive. Alex can plainly see this is a business woman, independent and strong-willed. She does not stand with the posture or address Alex with the tone of a typical well-off woman, quiet and demure behind her husband. This woman is proud and confident.

Alex mimics Lena's posture, squaring their shoulders and widening the stance of their boots. "We have other clients, of course. But we will get you there as soon as possible."

"Name your price, Captain. I am in a rush to leave. Money is no issue."

Kara gently bumps Alex's shoulder before Alex can reply, a reminder to keep themself in check. This is a wealthy and powerful woman, it would not do well to anger her before they've even set sail. Alex shares a sidelong glance with Kara, offering a rushed smile from the corner of their mouth.

"It is not a matter of price, Miss Thorul. I'm afraid we have already taken on cargo and paperwork has already been signed. We have obligations in Rotterdam and Le Havre, but we can have you in La Rochelle within a week." Alex pauses, leaving the woman hanging for a moment, before continuing, "Should you need to arrive sooner than that, I would understand if you were to take your business elsewhere."

Lena considers this, then asks, "How soon can we depart? My cargo is already on the docks, ready to be loaded."

"We can cast off the moment the ship is loaded, Miss Thorul," Alex assures her.

"Alex," Kara scolds with a complete lack of subtlety before the stranger. "What about Eliza?"

They turn slightly towards their sister and say quietly, "Shore visits will have to wait until the next time we're in London, Kara. She's offering us a significant amount of money and is willing to let us settle our existing cargo first; we need to meet her halfway."

Kara frowns. Her eyes skirt towards Lena and her cheeks pink slightly, and then she looks back at Alex with a glare.

(It's the glare of a puppy, but Kara thinks she's being tough.)

"You're just happy you don't have to see your mother."

From the corner of their eye, Alex can tell Lena's lifted a hand to cover her laugh. They give Kara a light shove, telling her to wake Vasquez and have the crew start loading Lena's cargo right away. Kara smiles sheepishly at Lena before darting off.

"You'll have to forgive her."

"It's not a problem, Captain. I'm glad we could come to an agreement."

Alex leads Lena onboard to arrange the paperwork and settle the coin. They are relieved two-fold. One, that they have an excuse for not seeking out their mother. And two, that their next port is still Rotterdam, so getting rid of Maxwell won't be delayed any longer.

* * *

Roaming Star casts off from London a few hours later with the mid-morning sun on their shoulders. Vasquez, the ship's elected Shantyperson, leads the crew through a rolling tune as they work to get the ship to reach altitude. Her voice carries across the deck as she calls and the crew answer in time, hauling lines to the beat of the song.

They're expected to be in Rotterdam by the next morning. This is a relief because Maxwell has been complaining, loudly, about how long the voyage is taking.

Alex tells him he can jump out and swim if he thinks it will get him there faster, and Lucy quickly volunteers to help him overboard.

Aside from that, Lucy seems unusually quiet and moody during the day.

Alex catches her in the berth a few hours after they've cast off, sitting on her bunk and writing a letter. She wears a dreamy look, so Alex figures Lucy is writing to one of her partners. The ship's cat sleeps on the bed next to Lucy; Lucy being one of the few people he tolerates.

The cat is elusive, mostly sticking to the shadows as he hunts down rats on the ship. He was completely feral until recently, prowling outside Glasgow until Lucy found him, bringing him with her when she joined the crew three years ago. He's a brown tabby, and larger than any cat Alex has ever seen.

He doesn't have a name, they all just call him the cat. He likes Kara's cuddles and follows J'onn around; J'onn pretends this begrudges him but Alex knows he is actually amused by it. Lucy is the only one allowed to pick him up and Lucy exploits this endlessly.

Alex isn't particularly fond of the cat - and the feeling is mutual - but he serves his purpose as a member of the crew.

"How long are you going to stand there?" Lucy asks without looking up, without slowing her writing.

"I can come back later if you want, but I do want to talk to you."

Something in their voice gives Lucy pause and she glances up. "About what?"

Alex moves into the cabin and leans against one of the bunks. "About why you're acting so weird," they say bluntly.

"Why I'm acting weird?" Lucy looks offended. "I'm not the one who brought a Luthor on board the ship, Al."

Alex leans forward towards Lucy, confused. "What?"

Lucy jerks her thumb behind her, towards one of the beds with a trunk of Lena's personal effects. "Her, Lena. That's Lena  _Luthor_ , Alex. I can't believe you let her on board."

Lucy stresses the name like it means something. And it does, of course, it does, anyone who sails the skies knows the name Luthor. "She said her name was Lena Thurol."

Barking out a laugh, Lucy says, "Well, then, she was lying to you because that's Lena Luthor." She puts her writing things down. "As in, sister to Lex Luthor, Captain of Bloody Steed. Any of this ringing any bells for you? Her brother's a sky pirate, Alex, the worst sky pirate out there. They call him the Pirate King of Europe for a reason."

Alex huffs and rolls their eyes. They cross their arms. "How was I supposed to know? It's not like she introduced herself to me as Lex Luthor's sister." They pause, and then add, "You're the one who took her commission while I was off-board in Lisbon."

"Yeah, but on paper, it wasn't clear she was Lena Luthor. If I had been awake when she arrived on deck, I would have told you who she was right away." She stands abruptly. "Alex, this, this could be dangerous. I don't trust her." Her hands are balled into fists.

"Why?" Alex challenges flatly. "Because her brother's a pirate? She needed quick passage to France so we're taking her and her cargo there. How would that put us in danger?"

Lucy's voice takes on a warning note. "You don't know that family like I do, Alex." She begins to pace the room. "My father..." Lucy shudders and shakes her head, choosing not to continue that thought. "They're a dangerous family; an old family. She could be spying on us for Lex."

"Lucy," Alex tries to reason, "I really don't think Bloody Steed needs spies. I think they just attack whoever they can find." Bloody Steed is dangerous, and Lex Luthor is unpredictable and unforgiving, but Alex doubts he uses something as trivial as spies to pick his targets. They snag Lucy's arm, stilling her pacing. "Plus, what reason would she have to spy on us?"

"We could be a target. Bailiff..."

"Bailiff went down in Malta, Lucy. We're hundreds of leagues away."

Lucy tugs free of Alex's grip and continues her pacing, her face drawn with tension and anger. "Well, I don't trust her. You don't know her family like I do, Alex. Even out of the skies, the Luthors are  _dangerous_. She's one of them."

"I hear you," Alex says softly, wanting to make it clear they are acknowledging what Lucy is saying. "He's bad news, we all know he's bad news. Lex has been terrorising the skies for years, I know this. And," Alex shrugs, "if she is a Luthor, then she probably isn't trustworthy. But all I'm really concerned with is taking her coin." Because Lena is offering them a lot of coin. A lot. And Lucy didn't interact with Lena that morning. Lena wanted out of London, fast. She was willing to throw more coin at them if it would get her out of London sooner. She looked anything but devious.

Alex thinks Lena might be running from something. Alex thinks Lena is too preoccupied with her own life to be spying for Lex.

They see the look Lucy gives them, and Alex adds, "I want to keep the crew safe, Lucy. Same as you do. You know I do. If, if she is spying for Lex, then keeping her close is probably best. And she wouldn't be able to communicate anything until we hit shore anyway. We're okay, Lucy."

Lucy shakes her head and gives a helpless sigh. "Honestly, Alex, does anything scare you?"

"No."

(Yes.)

"Are you lying?"

Alex doesn't answer. Instead, they sit down on the bed across from Lucy's and motion for Lucy to sit back down on her own. "Neither of us knew who she was. I don't know the Luthors, and you didn't get a look at her until after we'd taken off. We can't do anything about it now aside from keeping an eye on her. I'll talk to J'onn."

Lucy still doesn't look satisfied, so Alex goes on, "I get that you're worried, Lucy. I know you take the crew's safety as seriously as I do. But sometimes sailing, sometimes being Captain, is about bravado. The crew have to trust you to make the hard decisions and then stick with them. It's about sailing into the unknown, into potential danger, anyway. Ships aren't made to stay in the harbour. We can't hide from everything."

"I don't want to hide," Lucy says, voice rising, "I want to throw her right off the ship. And while I'm at it I want to punch Max in the face for you, since you're trying to take the civil approach and he's taking advantage of it."

Alex smirks. "Well, we can't punch our way to safety, Luce."

"Sure, maybe _you_ can't, but I can try," she scoffs.

"At least wait until we've docked until you punch him, I don't want blood all over the deck."

There's a pause before Lucy says, "I don't trust her."

"And I'm not asking you to, Lucy," Alex insists, "But I am asking you to at least accept that she'll be on board for a few days. Get close to her if it will make you feel good-"

"Getting close to that woman will not make me feel good, Alex," Lucy snorts, eyes teasing. "I have plenty of other partners for _that_. Plus, she isn't really my type; the new girl, however. Like I said, very cute. Now her I could go for."

Alex sputters.

Lucy laughs. "Your face is priceless when you do that, you know?"

"I didn't, that's not what, do you have to do that?"

Lucy smiles wickedly. "Oh yes."

"Ass." Alex rolls their eyes. "Who were you writing to?" they say, trying to shift the conversation.

Lucy lets them, though her eyes still smile. "Ronald. We haven't been to Ireland for a while, so I wanted to see how he was doing. He's living in Cork now."

"You should have mailed it while we were in London."

Lucy gives Alex an unimpressed look. "You mean while we hovered above London for a few hours and I didn't even step off the deck because we were in and out so fast?"

Alex bites their lip, "Right."

"I know you don't like Isle runs," Alex opens their mouth to argue but Lucy hushes them and goes on, "But we could consider doing that for a little while. It would keep us out of open water, away from danger."

"Lucy."

"Just a suggestion, Alex. We could stick to British ports, make some quick coin transferring cargo back and forth. I haven't been back to Edinburgh in months. And we should really let Winn see his man in Cardiff again. He won't wait forever."

"It isn't just me that doesn't like the Isle runs, Lucy. Kara won't say anything but they're hard on her."

Lucy sighs and nods, immediately understanding. "You're right, that she wouldn't say anything."

"When we do Isle runs... Lucy, sometimes we're hardly in the air for an hour before we're docking again. I hate doing that to her."

Lucy leans back on her hands, looking up at the light fixtures above and frowning. "We all hate doing that to her. She puts on such a brave face."

"If money wasn't an issue, and if family wasn't an issue, I'd never run the Isles again. I'd much rather save her the pain."

Lucy doesn't look back at Alex as she asks, "If the crews' families weren't an issue, or your family?" When Alex doesn't answer, Lucy turns to look at them. "You lucked out this time, not seeing Eliza."

"Oh, you too?"

Lucy smirks. "Kara already beat me to it?"

Alex nods.

"She has a point, Alex. I'm the one least qualified to speak, my father and I have as tense of a relationship as they come. But she does love you. I know she doesn't understand everything, but she's trying, and she loves you."

Alex sighs heavily because it seems like everyone can see how much Eliza loves Alex except for Alex themself. All they see is their mother's disappointment.

Lucy doesn't let the mood grow any heavier. "Plus, she loves Kara more," she teases, "so you really shouldn't deprive your sister of that."

Alex snatches a pillow and tosses it at Lucy's face. Lucy catches it easily, giving Alex a look that says she expects them to do better. "That's all you've got?"

"Finish your dumb love letter and get your ass back on deck," Alex says, jumping up and out of the way of Lucy's swing.

"You got it, Captain."

* * *

It's late in the evening. The stars are out and the sky is a wide sea of black above them. Roaming Star is moving steadily through the cloudless night, sights adjusted for the Netherlands. Alex drifts along the deck, checking in with each crewmember. Lucy is in the bridge with one of the Helmscrew; it's her night for watch.

Alex should be sleeping.

Instead, they feel restless, anxious. But can't place why.

Lena's behaved herself. Alex asked both J'onn and Vasquez to keep an eye on her, but so far, nothing she's done has been suspicious. She spent most of her time at the starboard rail, watching endless blue, a look of quiet longing on her face. Alex has really only noticed Lena speaking with Kara; otherwise, she's kept to herself.

Alex still isn't sure what to make of the situation and figures it's best to just wait and see.

They're so lost in thought that they almost miss the tap, step, tap, step of Maxwell and his fancy cane approaching. A cane which Alex knows is completely for show.

Alex breaks away from where they stand by the port bow, darting across the deck and down the companionway. They aren't sure where they are going, just focused on putting space between themself and a potential interaction with Max, when they nearly collide with Maggie outside the mess.

"Whoa, easy there, Captain," Maggie says lightly, hands gripping both of Alex's arms momentarily to steady them.

"Maggie, sorry." They glance over their shoulder, still not satisfied Lord didn't follow them below. They look back at Maggie, who is still dressed in her mauve corset and side-laced leggings. "It's late. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Could ask you the same thing," Maggie grins.

Alex huffs and walks into the mess. Maggie follows. "Couldn't sleep," they say. The cat slinks out of the room as they enter, hardly visible in the shadows, and Alex isn't sure Maggie even notices him.

The room is dark and quiet; even M'gann has gone to sleep by now. Alex gropes along the wall for a moment, locating the gas lighting switch. They press the brass tap, and there's a thin smell of gas flooding the glass chambers as the wall and ceiling sconces flicker into flames.

They sit at one of the tables near the wall, Maggie dropping into the chair across from Alex. "Who were you running from?" she asks. "Isn't everyone asleep?"

"Max Lord."

"Ah.

"He still wants a look inside the engine room before we dock. I might have James and Winn lock themselves in tomorrow, just to be sure he doesn't try to sneak in while we're distracted unloading his cargo."

Maggie looks thoughtful for a moment and leans forward in her chair, resting her arms on the table. "Can I ask why you hate him so much?" She looks easily at Alex. Curious but not demanding.

The room is silent at such a late hour, most of the crew either asleep or above deck for the night shift. The flames cast small, dancing lights and shadows around the room, and it feels cosy and warm. It feels like evenings back home, before Alex left, when Kara and Alex would lay in bed, a gas lamp burning on the table nearby, whispering and giggling into the night.

Maggie's presence feels comfortable and makes Alex feel at ease, and they begin to speak without fully realising. "I don't hate him. But being around him is uncomfortable, now. It brings up- memories. He used to be a... a suitor of mine."

They've been watching the flames in one of the sconces, so Alex glances across the table to Maggie. Maggie, who watches Alex with a soft look on her face. Hesitantly, Alex goes on, "Back when I was younger and," Alex glances down at their jacket and leather pants, "and living by my mother's rules, living under her roof."

Maggie's smile turns down at the ends, but she nods her understanding. She stays quiet, letting Alex work through their words.

"I was studying for my doctorate."

Maggie's eyes widen, clearly surprised. But she doesn't speak.

"I was young, very young," Alex says, "But I could compete with the men. My mother was a nurse, and my father... he was a scientist, so I picked up a lot from them growing up." Alex gives a half shrug, "It wasn't unheard of, uh," they stumble for a moment and stop to take a steadying breath before going on. "It was mostly a men's profession, but I could keep up, and I was stubborn, so I was allowed to advance."

Alex looks away from Maggie's warm, easy gaze and down at the table. Picks at the grain of the wood. "I was ambitious. I don't know if I ever really liked it, but it felt good to have something to focus on, to prove that I was just as smart as them."

Alex becomes aware of how quiet the room is, the emptiness starting to stretch wider. They lower their voice, leaning in towards Maggie. "Max was studying as an engineer at the university. He was brilliant, arrogant and smug and a complete ass most of the time, but he was very smart. And we both spoke the language of science. I didn't really, I didn't like him as a person, particularly." Alex laughs but it sounds hollow. "He could talk circles around people, but he and I, we challenged each other, we could best each other. I never felt I reached that with the others I studied with. It was an intellectual connection. And I thought..."

The hull of the ship creaks and Alex pauses, listening. Their hands are sweaty, and they are aware of their heartbeat, how it feels fast and sharp beating inside their chest. When it's clear that no one is walking past the mess, that it was just a natural groan of the ship, Alex tries to continue. "My mother was pressing me into becoming a physician, but she also expected that I, that I would, she wanted..." Their eyes start to water and Alex tries to blink the emotions back.

Maggie reaches across the table and takes Alex's hand, stilling their fidgeting. Her grip is strong and reassuring. "It's okay, take your time," she murmurs. The look in Maggie's eyes says she knows what Alex is trying to say, is trying to communicate.

Alex breathes in, taking comfort from the contact before continuing.

"She wanted dresses and lace for her children. Kara was queer and excitable and the other children didn't always understand her, but she was young and pretty; she still had time. I was older, but I was sullen and smarter than the boys my age and driven by the schooling Eliza forced me into, but she still tried to find me suitors. She worried about me not... finding someone.

"With Max," Alex trudges on and they can hear the waver in their voice. They clear their throat and try again, "With Max, the way we could talk about the most complex of things, compare theories on physics and anatomy, challenge our lecturers. It was a connection. And I thought that was what was missing with the men my mother pursued for me, pushed at me. So I... we tried."

Alex tugs their hand out of Maggie's. The emptiness of the room is starting to make them uncomfortable. To Alex, it sounds like their words are echoing loudly through the large room. The gentle glow from before starts to feel hot and sharp.

They stand abruptly, turning away from Maggie to stare at the flames in one of the light fixtures.

"We... it wasn't romantic, not genuinely. I tried to force it to be, to pretend it was. And Max didn't know I was pretending. I thought that that was what the, what the," their breath hitches but they force the words out, easier to say without looking Maggie in the eyes, "what the girls I knew meant when they said they connected with someone, when they met their husbands."

Alex sucks in a breath and holds it in their chest for a long moment, until it hurts, until it becomes painful, before letting it slip out. It sounds ragged and wet, breathy as it expels from their chest. They turn and look back at Maggie hesitantly. Maggie has a sad smile on her face as she nods at Alex's words, and her eyes look shiny and wet.

Alex knows their eyes probably look the same.

"It wasn't real. I don't, I don't know what Max thought it was, but for me, it never felt real. But I thought it was as real as I could get, so I tried anyway until it was just, it was just too much, the skirts and the curls and... I never gave him a proper explanation. Couldn't, really. So that's why things are strained now, because of the memories that surface."

They awkwardly step forward and nervously slip into the chair again. Alex feels naked and raw in front of Maggie; they didn't mean to say so much, to open up like this. "I'm sorry," they say lamely, running a hand through their short hair. "I didn't mean...I didn't mean to dump all of that on you."

"You don't have to apologise. I was the one who asked. And I'm sorry you had to go through that." She looks so sincere as she says, "That can't have been easy for you."

Alex can't quite believe this has happened. That Maggie has sat there and listened to their whole story. That it seems to have affected her, that she has tears in her eyes.

When Maggie speaks again she tries to keep her tone light. "Winn and James said you shot him... twice?"

And Alex laughs. "Twice," they confirm, grateful for something less serious to talk about. They try to casually wipe the dampness from their lashes. "He deserved it both times."

Dimples show as Maggie smiles. "I'm sure he did."

"The first time was at the university, the first night I met Max, actually. He was giving a demonstration for a small steam-powered flying machine." Alex gestures with their hands, "About the size of a small dog. One of the spring components stopped working, and it was jerking wildly across the room. It was a public lecture, so there were some young women there. It scared them, flying over their heads, catching in their hair and snagging on their dresses."

"So you... shot it down?" Maggie asks.

Alex nods smugly. "Two shots from my pistol; one to bring it down, a second to be sure. The second one blasted right through the mech and hit Maxwell in the shoulder."

Maggie seems impressed. "You had a pistol with you at a lecture?"

"Skirts are excellent for hiding things others deem unseemly unless you're a man."

"Did you get in trouble?"

"For protecting the young ladies from the terrifying flying contraption harassing them?" they boast. "Not at all. For shooting Max?" Alex shrugs, "He wasn't happy about it."

"So you're a good shot, then?"

"A natural."

Maggie chuckles, "Of course. And the second time you shot him?"

Alex smiles at the memory. "Winn was with me, actually. It was years later, after I started as Captain. We were in Hamburg on business, and Max was there, showing off some of his new sky mech. He was being his typical, pompous self, pushing my buttons and intimidating Winn. I told him if he didn't stop talking that I'd shoot him in the foot. He thought I was bluffing."

Maggie barks out a laugh and it rings out loudly in the empty room. Right away she rushes to cover her mouth, and she and Alex snicker and hush each other.

Alex notices that Maggie laughs with her eyes, long after she's stopped making noise.

"When did you first start skysailing?"

"At sixteen," Alex replies.

"So you never finished your schooling then? Didn't become a doctor?"

"Actually," Alex says and they can see it catches Maggie by surprise. "On the second ship I sailed with, I studied under the Surgeon and finished an apprenticeship. I'm a Master Surgeon with the Skymen Guild."

"In addition to being Captain," Maggie states.

Alex flushes and glances away. "Uh, yes."

"Any more surprises?" Maggie asks when Alex looks back at her.

"Maybe," they say quietly. "It's late, we should probably..."

Maggie nods in agreement. They leave the mess, cutting the gas flow to the lights as they leave.

In the passageway outside, they part ways.

"Goodnight, Maggie."

"Goodnight, Captain. Alex," Maggie adds, correcting herself seemingly as an afterthought.

Alex smiles. They turn and walk away, and feel something warm blooming in their chest.

They feel light now, relieved. Alex didn't intend to tell Maggie so much about themself, about their past, but they feel better for doing it. They feel drawn to Maggie, like Maggie can coax the heaviness out from inside them, can soothe the tension Alex carries with them.

Not many on board know the details of Alex's childhood, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing, having Maggie be one of the few that know.

 


	3. Rotterdam, The Netherlands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for misgendering and gender dysphoria in this chapter.

Alex and Lucy both yell "lines away" in the same moment. Alex is watching at the starboard side. Lucy is leaning over the port rail.

Rotterdam is bustling.

It's mid-morning, and the trip from London has taken them just over twenty-four hours.

The sky harbour is packed with other vessels; some are huge hulking beasts with four or five masts and some are smaller crafts half the size of Roaming Star. The skies above Rotterdam port are choked with skyships dropping off and picking up cargo.

The air is hazy with soot, expelled both from the ships and from all the mech below. Hundreds of steam-powered creations raise and lower and crawl and lift as the cargo is transported to and fro.

Rotterdam is one of the largest places they dock at regularly, and it is always like this, always alive with sights and sounds the smaller ports simply can't match.

On the pair's command, the thick coils of rope are released from where they rest along Roaming Star's sides. Anchored to the ship and fed through the capstan, the tethering lines are weighted and stretch a hundred of feet long. They cascade down, dropping heavily into the breaking waves, and are dragged through the water and up onto the docks as Clark eases them forward over land. Dockworkers below take the thick lines and anchor them to massive steel pilings. The ship is tied down from multiple places along the hull, as well as a line from both the bow and the stern. They still drift and flow in the air, but the taut lines keep them from hitting the other ships or from sailing too far over the docks.

Vasquez is already on deck, supervising crewmembers as the Lord Mech cargo is brought above from holding. Maxwell stands right beside him, a lazy but calculating look on his face as he watches, periodically tapping his cane on the ground.

Vasquez looks irked but is focusing on the task at hand.

Alex strides towards the pair, eager to get Max off the ship.

"Should take us a half day to unload all of this, Captain," Vasquez says upon Alex's approach, adding a mumbled, "Our _guest_ carries a lot of cargo."

Alex makes eye contact with Vasquez, willing him to keep the irritation in check. They will be rid of Lord soon.

And no one wants that more than Alex.

Just a few more hours.

"I suppose I could hire some general workers from the docks to unload," Max says in a bored tone, "rather than waste any more time with your slow, sloppy crew."

"Do what you like," Alex tries for a light tone but isn't quite sure if they succeed. "But know we will still be charging you the full price even if you don't have us unload."

"That doesn't really sound like a fair bargain, _Captain_ ," he replies, and the way he says 'Captain' makes Alex's skin crawl. "I've already been delayed several days while you ran a fool's errand, picking up the lady."

"My crew and I have gotten you here in a timely manner, _Lord_ ," Alex retorts. "Even with the stopover in London, any other ship still would have taken longer."

"And if only you would let me see the engines, I'd be able to discern why that is. I designed those engines, I know how fast they go."

"The moment I purchased this ship, Maxwell," Alex says, voice rising, "it's speed and contents became none of your concern."

"You always were so quick to anger, Alexandra-"

Alex's vision starts to go black around the edges.

The rest of Max's words fade away; there is a slow ringing in their ears and their body starts to sway unsteadily as a black, black void creeps up their spine, creeps over their vision. With his words, with his presence, the memories of pain and discomfort rise inside them.

And Alex tries. Alex tries to push it down, to pretend like his words haven't gotten to them, tries to ignore the pain.

But it feels like a wave washing over them, an unstoppable force.

It gets a little harder to breathe.

Numbly their hand drifts to their hip, to their revolver, but someone's fingers bite into Alex's arm, trying to hold them back. Maxwell is still talking, is going on about how dissatisfied he is with the trip and how Alex is still the same _woman_ he remembers but the words flow right over Alex as the pain intensifies.

Their chest begins to ache with the violent and sudden swell of anguish they feel rising inside.

Alex tries to focus on breathing, on just breathing in and out and pushing down the pain.

A big, heavy hand drops onto Alex's other shoulder, squeezing hard; enough to hurt, enough to bruise, enough to distract and force the building blackness back. "Is there a problem here, Lord?" J'onn says in his loud, booming voice and it is so close to Alex's ear that it should hurt. But instead, it grounds them, brings their awareness back to the present.

J'onn has a death grip on their shoulder, firmly holding them back. Vasquez is on their other side, one hand on their free shoulder and his other clawing into Alex's arm, fighting to keep them from pulling out their weapon.

Realizing they are straining against them both Alex takes another deep breath and forces themself to relax in J'onn and Vasquez's hold. Neither one of them let go of Alex, though. They don't let go.

Not for Max's sake.

For Alex's.

They are the only things grounding Alex, the only ones keeping the blackness from rising too high and drowning them completely.

Max eyes J'onn up and down, taking in his size. J'onn is strongly built, but it is his presence that is so commanding; he fills the space around Alex with an air of assertiveness, boldly challenging Maxwell.

"No problem," Max says casually. "Just debating with the lovely lady-"

-it hurts everything hurts inside there is a ripping deep inside with every new thing he says-

J'onn squeezes Alex's shoulder _hard._

Alex tries to breathe but each time Max opens his mouth the pain inside intensifies and it becomes harder to pretend that they are okay. Each time Max opens his mouth his words cut deeper and the blackness rises higher.

"-or not this voyage deserves full pay." Max nods towards Alex, "It seems she-"

-alex doesn't know how noticeable it is that they are shaking but to them it feels like they are one big uncontrollable shaking mess of pain pain pain shame heartache anguish they wish it didn't hurt as much as this but it does it hurts so much it feels like they are drowning from the inside how can such small words hurt this much it hurts so much-

Vasquez's fingernails are digging in so hard to try and ground Alex that Alex is sure he must be drawing blood.

"You don't want to do that, Max," J'onn is saying, a warning note to his voice. "You will be paying us exactly as it is spelled out in the contract."

"I have powerful friends," Maxwell throws out, arrogance written in his posture and laced in his tone of voice.

Alex draws in a shaky breath and tries not to let Max see just how badly his words are affecting them, tries tries tries to be strong.

J'onn and Vas stay close and continue to hold Alex, to give them contact, and Alex focuses on that, on their friends helping them through this.

Alex isn't alone in this.

"And _we_ have the full backing and support of the Skyman's Guild," J'onn says, which, although not a lie, is not entirely true. But Maxwell does not know this.

"Be careful, Max," J'onn goes on harshly. "We aren't in a university. We aren't in a laboratory. We're in a shipyard full of other sailors with similar convictions about being paid. It would not take long at all for aid to come should you make the wrong move."

Which, again, isn't the full truth, seeing as how most other Guild members simply tolerate Alex and their crew's presence. There is no comradery there like there is between other Captains. Alex and their crew are queer and different and they stay on the fringes of the Guild.

Alex themself is not respected in the Guild; Alex fairly earned their place, but not without challenges and accusations from most of the other Captains.

Other Captains who are male and close-minded.

Other Captains who insist every time they see Alex that the sky is no place for a _woman_.

_Women cannot be Captains._

Alex is going to be sick.

"Really, Alexandra-"

Alex's knees start to give out as the black void pushes harder to completely take over.

-it hurts it hurts it huts deep down inside it hurts hurts hurts alex can't breathe alex can't move alex can't can't can't-

"Perhaps Max would be better off supervising the unloading of his cargo from down on the docks," Vasquez growls.

Max opens his mouth to disagree but J'onn speaks over him, his voice like steel. "Excellent idea." And then he's moving away from Alex, clasping Maxwell roughly by the ruff of his frock and dragging him backwards. "Vasquez, please locate Max's two companions. They can join him on the ground."

-both j'onn and vas are moving away and alex rocks on their feet they suddenly feel alone feel the pain rising again j'onn and vas leave and everything alex was trying to hold down swells violently back up so fast tears sting their eyes the blackness starts to rise up again starts to claw and tear from the inside and-

Lucy.

Lucy is materializing, seemingly from nowhere, right in front of Alex, right in their line of vision. Her eyes are wide with fury, with repressed rage, but she keeps herself in check. Her hands hover and Alex gasps in a sharp breath as they lean towards her and it's enough permission for Lucy. Her touch is steady and her touch is gentle as she takes hold of both of Alex's arms and steers them away towards the stern.

"Luce," they choke out. Their breath keeps gasping, desperately trying to suck in air.

-the blackness is taking over it's making it hard to see hard to breathe hard to focus on anything but the ripping pain inside there's just pain-

"Right here, I'm right here, Al. I've got you. You're not alone. I'm right here with you." And she's sharing a look with J'onn and with Vasquez, assuring them that she will be with Alex while the two of them deal with Max. "Come on," she says to Alex, guiding them away with a touch so light it is a sharp contrast to how hard her eyes are.

She leads Alex to their quarters and gently manoeuvers Alex to sit on the bed. Then she's closing the door and tapping the brass and then the room is bright bright bright. She's tapping the brass so that the room is well-lit enough to chase the shadows, the black void, away.

Because Lucy knows.

Alex hunches over, hands gripping their knees. They're pressing their lips together tightly as the bile rises. Alex feels ill, feels physically ill and the shaking intensifies. They squeeze their eyes closed and try to breathe. It's so hard to breathe.

Lucy moves back to Alex and crouches in front of them. "Can I touch you?" is her first question.

Alex nods quickly, desperately, and Lucy lays her hands on Alex's thighs, smooths her hands up and down over their legs, letting her fingernails scratch lightly. First, Lucy focuses on calming Alex, focuses on making sure Alex is present, not lost in their head, and that the panic is receding, not growing.

Then, "How can I help you right now?" is her second question.

"I hate him," Alex bites out, and it's not an answer, but it's how they feel. They want Kara, but they are over Rotterdam which is loud and dirty and they don't want to pull Kara from her own pain to come and help with Alex's. Even though Kara would be there in a heartbeat.

Alex doesn't want to be selfish.

Alex doesn't think they are worth being selfish.

Alex hates that something so simple can reduce them to a sickly, shaking mess.

Lucy says, "I'm sorry that happened, I'm sorry he's a rakefire asshole."

Watching Alex's face Lucy rises and sits on the bed next to them and Alex turns, seeking out Lucy's embrace immediately, curling into her. Lucy wraps strong, protective arms around Alex, hugging them tight, hugging them close. "Everything is okay now," Lucy says, hands rubbing over their back and in their hair. "He's gone. We're done with him. You're okay. It's okay. I'm here."

Alex clings to Lucy, shaking and feeling ridiculous because a name should not make them feel physically ill. A name should not bring on the panic. Small, simple words should not make it this hard to breathe. "I'm sorry," they mumble into Lucy's shoulder, their voice raw. They feel helpless.

Lucy's hands are soothing and her words are gentle. "You're not wrong for feeling like this."

"But-"

"Your feelings are valid." She hugs Alex tighter. Alex feels their eyes water, feels the dampness spreading onto Lucy's shoulder, but Lucy holds them close, hands sliding up and down their back, her pressure never wavering. Lucy tries her best to soothe the pain away.

Lucy can't help the pain in Alex's heart but she can heal the poison crawling along Alex's skin.

"You're loved, Alex. We all love you. You're amazing and you're loved and we're here for you."

Alex isn't sure how long Lucy holds them, murmuring words into Alex's ear. But eventually, the shaking stops. They still feel ill, still feel wrong, but the shaking has stopped. The black void of pain no longer coats Alex's vision. They shift, sitting back, and Lucy lets Alex pull away but she still stays close, still keeps contact, rubbing and soothing where she can. "How can I help?" she asks Alex again.

"I... I need to get out of here. Away. Away from him."

"Okay," Lucy's voice is soft and light. "Do you want to go into the city? You could take Maggie and stay for the afternoon. J'onn and Vas and I will take care of the ship. We'll deal with the cargo. You can wear your binding band, that will help centre you, right? You can go and show the country girl a big, bustling city."

"Country girl?" Alex gives a small, weak laugh.

"Said she's never left Portugal. When we found her was her first time in Lisbon. You two can go and get away from here, how does that sound?"

It does sound good. Anything to get away from here, away from Max, away from the pressing darkness.

Alex starts, "But you have plans to meet with Amé-"

"I can see her another time," Lucy insists right away. "This is more important. You, you are more important."

Alex doesn't think that's true. Alex thinks that Lucy's relationship with her lovers is probably more important than Alex getting upset over a few words, but Lucy doesn't back down. "You are more important, Alex."

Alex ducks their head, seeking out Lucy's embrace once more. Lucy holds Alex, calm and gentle and everything Alex needs right now.

After a time, Lucy leaves the room. Once Alex - they don't feel better - but once the panic and the blackness and the bile aren't as pressing. Lucy slips out to go find Maggie, to check on Kara, and to make sure Maxwell is nowhere to be seen.

Alex sits on the bed for a while, finding the strength to stand back up. It takes a long time, and their legs feel weak, but they stand.

They are okay.

With slow and steady movements, Alex changes into their binding band and a plain, black blouse. They take a moment to run their hands up and down the smooth, flat surface the binding creates, to draw strength and reassurance from it.

They are loved.

As Alex opens the hatch and steps into the hall they hear voices. Across the short passageway, the door to Kara's navigation room is partially open.

"Are you sure?" Maggie asks, sounding concerned.

"Yes," Kara's voice is quiet. "They need someone with them and I can't... it's too much." Alex hears Kara make a sad sigh.

"But wouldn't Lucy, or Winn, be better?" Maggie asks. "Wouldn't they feel better with Lucy?"

"Lucy wants to stay on the ship; she feels responsible for letting Max onboard in the first place."

"But I..." Maggie sounds unsure. "Kara, they hardly know me. Wouldn't Alex feel better with someone they're more comfortable with?"

Alex misses the next part of the conversation because they are distracted by a huge, heavy weight lifting from their chest. They go numb, go still for a moment, revelling in the small flutter of happiness inside them.

They've spent a lot of time with Maggie the past few days, but they've never heard Maggie speaking about them when they aren't there. Alex has never heard Maggie use the pronouns Alex feels more comfortable with. The ones Alex, half crying and full of shame, brokenly asked Kara to try out years and years ago and have become a part of Alex ever since. The crew uses them but Alex hasn't heard Maggie do so before.

(It sounds like Maggie does so easily.)

Alex feels light. Feels like they're floating, in a good way. It isn't something huge, and it doesn't diminish the anguish brought on by Max's words, but the pain eases slightly. It isn't much, but somehow, it feels like everything.

(Alex wonders who told Maggie.)

They miss whatever Kara says in reply. And then the door is opening and Alex is taking a step backwards, back into their quarters, so Maggie doesn't see them as she walks by. They count to twenty and then step back into the hallway, knocking softly and slipping into Kara's private space.

"Hey-" is all they can get out before Kara is wrapping her entire body around Alex.

"Are you okay?" Kara asks, squeezing Alex, pressing her face into Alex's shoulder.

"I'm... I'm better now." And it's true, they do feel better.

"You should have had Lucy come get me," Kara says forcefully, pulling back and staring at her sibling.

"Kara, I..." They look Kara up and down. Kara's face is pale, tension visible. Her eyes are bloodshot. Her hair hangs loose instead of in its usual elaborate braids and tails. She's wearing her favourite lavender and coral corset, and a pair of Lucy's tightest leather pants; they are short on Kara's legs, not quite reaching her ankles. Her feet are bare. "Kara, are you okay?" they mimic the question back.

Kara's shrugs off Alex's words. Her hands twitch at her sides. "Not great. But we're talking about you."

"I didn't want to bother you," Alex whispers, looking away.

"Oh, Alex," Kara says with a tenderness reserved only for her sibling. "You could never bother me, not when you're in pain, not when you need me."

"But the city..."

"Alex," Kara says, taking Alex's hands and threading their fingers together. "I know you want to be strong, but you have to let me help you sometimes. I know it hurts you."

Alex pulls away and steps around the large table in the centre of the room. Only a single gas light hangs from the centre of the room, the corners of the cabin are hidden in shadows. Kara doesn't like bright lights when she's overstimulated. There is a large metal table, with maps and books and writing utensils strewn across. Hanging on the walls, resting on shelves, sitting on the table are all of Kara's navigation equipment. Mech and tinkers and gauges she uses to plan her sights and flylines.

There is a small cot in the corner Kara sometimes uses when she's too engrossed in her work to make her way below to the berth, but recently it's become a library space, an archive full of all of Kara's books and rolls of maps, all stacked haphazardly in mountainous piles only Kara understands the system for.

"It's silly," Alex says, feeling small. "It shouldn't bother me."

"And the noise from below shouldn't bother _me_ ," Kara says, following Alex around the table. "But it does. Your pain is real, Alex. No one here would say otherwise."

"It's embarrassing," Alex mumbles.

Kara huffs, because she feels the same way about her overstimulation. She pulls Alex into a hug again, and they both take comfort from it, borrowing strength from the other. "That doesn't make it any less real," Kara insists. She keeps her arms around Alex, but pulls back, looking them in the eyes. "Are you better now? Did Lucy help?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's not... it's okay now." They don't feel better, exactly, but manageable. The discomfort lurking deep under their skin is still there, but it's lessened now.

"Lucy said you're going to go into the city, to get away from everything for a little while?"

Alex breathes out a "yes" of relief. "I wish you could come, but..."

But it's Rotterdam. Kara has never set foot in Rotterdam. Kara can stomach London when she needs to, because it was home once, because Eliza is there. But Rotterdam is at the top of the list of places that are just too much. Rotterdam has one of the loudest and largest sky ports in Europe.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I know you would if I really needed you to." But Alex would never ask Kara that, would never ask Kara to ignore her own pain to help comfort Alex's. "We can cuddle and you can tell me about the stars when I get back?" Alex knows more about the stars than they would ever need to, but Kara never tires talking about them.

Kara smiles. Her face is still tight with the pain she's pushing down, but she smiles happily at Alex. "I think that would be good for both of us."

"Maggie," Alex starts and then stops, trying to formulate what they want to say, what they want to ask. "Lucy said I should..."

"I think it would be better if you went with someone, and I talked to her. I think Maggie would be good company for you."

"She doesn't... she doesn't mind?"

Kara looks at Alex softly, traces a hand through Alex's hair, right behind their ear. "No, Alex, she doesn't mind. None of us mind being there when you need us." She hugs Alex once more and then says, "Now go on."

"You'll-"

"I'll be fine, really. You go, distract yourself. Lucy promised the weasel will be gone before you get back."

Alex laughs, hugs Kara one more time, and leaves the room, gently pulling the door closed. They know Kara will probably end up across the passageway and in Alex's cabin anyway before they return.

Back on deck, the crew is busy beginning the slow process of unloading the crates and crates of Lord Mech. Alex spots Maggie near the port side. She's leaning with her back against the rail, watching the crew and waiting for Alex, looking relaxed.

Maggie looks up at them as Alex approaches and Alex's feet slow with the intensity of Maggie's gaze.

Her eyes rake up and down Alex, taking in the flatness of their chest. This is only the second time Maggie is seeing them with their chest bound, the first time was when they initially met, in the market in Lisbon.

Maggie looks. Hungry. There is desire behind her eyes.

Alex feels like their skin is buzzing, feels themself flush as Maggie stares so openly.

It feels like they are the only two people on the deck.

Alex can't move, can't breathe, under the intensity of Maggie's gaze. Alex feels heat rising inside them.

Maggie licks her lips, blinks, and seems to come back to herself. She smirks and tilts her head and says, "You look good, Captain," before swinging herself over the rail and onto one of the skylift platforms.

And Alex stands there, trying to process what just happened. To figure out why Maggie looking at them like that didn't make them feel uncomfortable.

Alex tries to figure out why Maggie looking at them like that makes them feel _good_ , even after what's just transpired with Max.

Alex thinks it might be better not to think too hard about it.

They join Maggie on the platform and as the gears click as it begins to lower them down to the docks Alex asks, "What did... What did Lucy tell you?"

Maggie's eyes smile at Alex but her lips turn down at the corners in the slightest of frowns. "That Max was being a saddle-goose and it would be a good idea for me to get you off the ship as a distraction." Her face changes, growing softer. "Is everything okay? Kara seemed worried."

Alex bites their lip and sighs, looking out over the busy docks. "No, but, I'm fine."

Maggie looks concerned but she doesn't press Alex to say more.

They pass through the docks, Alex pointing out how the elevating skylifts bring the cargo down from the sky, and then the tall, skeletal steam-powered harbour cranes and the hulking, lumbering brass automatons transport the goods onto waiting railcars. People and metal creations are everywhere, blending into one another as everyone tries to keep schedule.

They walk along the canal of the River Maas, which is packed with small groundships that bob and sway in the water.

Maggie marvels at the city, so different from Lisbon and from her rural home beyond that. Lisbon was bright colours and sunshine everywhere. Rotterdam is dark steel and darker clouds above. The buildings are tall, and steel cageways and platforms cross overhead, connecting buildings on either side of the street at random. The buildings are uneven, some bulging outwards with brass piping and additions.

Soot streams out of chimneys of most of the businesses and factories, and even in the daytime, the street's gaslights are lit.

Alex and Maggie round a corner and Maggie startles. Before them is an elevated steel railroad. Pedestrians pass underneath the brickwork archway tunnels and a steam engine rumbles as it passes overhead, transporting goods from the harbour inland.

"Different than home?" Alex asks.

"Very."

Alex nods. "You hungry?"

Maggie laughs. "I could eat."

"Come on, then. I know a place," Alex says as they lead Maggie through the busy streets.

They weave between a few street-crawlers and down a shadowy side street before Alex stops in front of an unassuming building. A metalwork sign hangs over the door, proudly proclaiming in Dutch that they have the best homemade desserts in town.

"A dark alley, Captain? Should a lady such as myself be worried?" Maggie teases, eyes dancing and dimples showing.

Alex huffs and presses a hand to the small of Maggie's back to lead her inside the koffiehuizen.

The café gleams with metal; there are spindly iron legs on wooden tables and sturdy steel chairs - some with cushioned backs and some with only metal ribs. Overhead, huge pipes criss-cross along the ceiling and intricately designed metal gaslight fixtures hang above the tables.

The front counter is plated with brass panels and has small tinkers placed here and there on the countertop. Behind it shelves display sandwiches and pastries as well as huge metal vats and funnels of drink-preparing mech, with numerous gears and pipes that weave between each other, ending in fancy spouts and taps reminiscent of an alehouse.

Many of the tables are occupied but there is only a quiet chatter; mostly men reading newsprints to themselves or talking in small groups while smoking tobacco. Maggie is the only woman inside.

"What would you like?"

Maggie's eyes roam over all the dessert options critically for a moment but she turns back to Alex and says, "Whatever you're having, Captain."

The way Maggie says 'Captain' makes Alex blush. Her tone, her inflexion, something about it sends Alex off balance.

(Alex isn't sure if they are off balance in a good way or not, but they turn away so that she doesn't see.)

Alex takes a second to force down the heat in their cheeks before speaking softly with the gentleman behind the counter. Maggie frowns, not understanding the words, but she stands quietly next to Alex, eyes flicking around the room and then back to Alex periodically while she waits.

She stands close enough that their shoulders just brush each other.

The man places a platter onto the counter with their order and Alex reaches for their coin purse.

Maggie is already sliding money across the counter towards the gentleman. "I've got it," she says, smiling as the man takes how much is needed to pay.

"But I haven't paid you your wages yet."

"And, as an interesting concept, I do have money from before your employment." She's being cheeky.

"Maggie."

"I believe Lucy's instructions to me were to keep you distracted, so let this be my treat." She winks at Alex and takes the platter, moving across the room to an empty table.

Alex stands at the counter a moment longer, shaking their head and biting down on their smile.

(How does Maggie make them feel so giddy sometimes? Especially after what happened this morning?)

Maggie's found a place in the far corner of the café, a small two-person table with metal-backed chairs. The tables nearest to them are also empty, so the one Maggie's chosen has a sense of privacy.

Alex sits across from Maggie and it feels very intimate. The table is quite small; Alex could reach across and easily take Maggie's hand if they wanted to.

(Not that Alex wants to.)

"What did you order for us?"

"It's called koffie verkeerd, it means wrong coffee," Alex says while handing one of the drinks to Maggie and cupping their hands around the other, enjoying the heat radiating out into their palms.

Maggie gives a little chuckle. "Wrong coffee?"

"It has a lot of milk, and they add spices and sugars to it. Try it?"

Maggie takes a careful sip of the hot drink, and Alex watches, amused, as Maggie's face transforms into one of peace, shoulders rising and falling as she lets out a slow, satisfied breath. "Well, you know how to pick your drinks, Captain."

Alex gives a shy smile, tongue poking out between their teeth. They take a sip of their own drink, enjoying the taste of the spices and how the warmness fills them from the inside out.

(Though, they already felt warm from Maggie's attention, from her gleeful demeanour.)

Maggie picks up one of the pastries on the place. "And this is...?"

"Appeltaart."

"Apple tart," Maggie tries to repeat and takes a bite. Her eyes roll happily at the taste of the flaky pastry and sweet filling. "Excellent choice, Captain."

"Good."

Maggie takes another sip of her drink and then asks casually, "So, I know you speak Portuguese. Dutch, too?"

 Alex shrugs. "Only a little. You pick up a lot when you travel as much as I do."

Maggie leans forward, attention focused on Alex. "How long have you been in the sky?"

"Over ten years now. Enough time to learn things here and there. Enough to order food and ask for directions. That sort of thing."

Maggie looks around the room again, taking everything in. "How did you find this place?"

"Vasquez met his wife here, actually. They flirted about pastries; she said she could make cakes much better than what he'd find here."

"He's," Maggie starts, pausing but getting the pronoun right, "he's married?" It doesn't come right away to her yet, the switching back and forth, but she takes care to make sure she uses the right pronoun.

"Mm," Alex nods. "They have a place together in Italy. Tovah works in a bakery. Vasquez always takes leave when we dock in Livorno. She's really sweet, the crew all love her."

"Huh," Maggie says.

"You're thinking about how Vasquez can be married legally."

"Yeah."

"Don't think too hard about it," they offer gently.

And Alex watches as Maggie nods, accepting Alex's words.

"So tell me about home for you."

Maggie gives an easy shrug, "Nothing special. An hour's sail from Lisbon; fishing family, fishing community. There was... there was a lot of water and a lot of fish in my childhood. Which was fine, but, I needed a change."

"Wait, so, how long have you been sailing over water?"

"Since birth, pretty much," she smirks, dimples on full display. "I've worked on ships my whole life."

Alex blinks, caught off guard by this. "And I told you to forget everything you knew about sailing." They shake their head at themself, at their own carelessness. "You, you probably know more about sailing than I do."

Maggie's smile, if possible, widens and she shakes her head. "Nah," she says casually, "you were right. Water and sky are different. And I'm learning a lot from you."

"But still."

"Don't sweat it, Alex. I didn't mind. You're cute when you're confident and imposing."

Alex almost chokes on their drink, burning their mouth, and then quickly looks away from Maggie, embarrassed and flustered and very aware of how hot their face feels.

Maggie holds her hands up in defence, saying, "Okay, I'll stop teasing you. Wouldn't want you to spill your drink."

Alex shakes their head in agreement but doesn't trust their voice at the moment. Being around Maggie is comforting and relaxing, but it can be hard to navigate sometimes.

(In a good way.)

"So," Alex eventually says, trying to find something teasing to say back to Maggie, to even the ground a little. "...Fish," is all they can come up with, blushing at their own awkwardness.

Maggie just seems to be further amused. She waits, but when Alex isn't able to add anything further to it, she says, "Yes, my family's business has been fish for generations. It isn't the most exciting thing, but sometimes we'd travel up and down the coast, or out to sea a ways. I know it's nothing compared to flying the continent, but it was freeing, getting to see more of the world."

Alex nods because they know the feeling. "What's your family like?"

"Big. A younger brother, and two older sisters. Sisters were both married off and have children now. We didn't have a lot of coin growing up, so I spent most of my time either helping on the ships or looking after my sisters' children since we didn't have enough money to hire someone to watch them while the family was out on the water."

Alex frowns, beginning to ask, but Maggie answers the question on their face. "The four of us grew up on the water; I took my first steps on a ship. But my sisters didn't want that for their children. Just because their childhood smelled of fish, didn't mean their little ones had to. I don't, I didn't agree with them, exactly. But it wasn't my place to say anything since I refused-" she cuts herself off abruptly and looks away.

"Maggie?" Alex asks softly, calling her back to them.

Maggie sighs but doesn't continue her story. Instead, she offers, voice rough at first, "I've never been close with my sisters but Martim and I were always together when we were growing up. He was protective of me, even though he was the baby. We used to have contests, see who could jump highest off the ships, who could climb the masts the fastest, who could skin the most fish."

Alex makes a face of disgust.

"Hey, I thought you studied to be a doctor." She pauses, and then corrects herself, "You _are_ a doctor."

"Yes, but seeing human blood and seeing your food prepared is different."

"If you say so."

As she continues talking, Alex becomes aware of the way Maggie talks about her family. She speaks lightly, fondly of them, but Alex can feel the tension in her words and can see it in Maggie's posture. There's something dark, something painful, that floats behind her eyes and keeps her stories from becoming too personal. She doesn't mention her parents at all, doesn't offer anything intimate. Maggie speaks easily and happily, but it's like she's only skimming the surface of the water.

Alex wants to see what's deeper.

Alex knows there's more to Maggie, they can see the pain in Maggie's eyes, even if Maggie is trying to hide it, to make light of it. But Alex doesn't try to push; they play along, keeping their questions to Maggie easy and light.

Until, "Which do you like better, sailing the sky or over water?"

Maggie makes a thoughtful face, contemplating her answer. After a long pause, she says, "The sky." And the way she says it, Alex is sure it means something, something deeper.

They just aren't sure yet what that something is.

The pair leaves the café sometime later, after spending the rest of the morning trading sailing stories. Maggie may have only sailed on small, coastal vessels, but she's still seen and done some exciting things. She has a number of stories involving dolphins, and like Alex, has sailed through her fair share of bad storms.

They walk along the canal, Maggie pointing out to Alex different kinds of groundships. They listen carefully as Maggie speaks, the terms familiar from their life in the sky, but somehow different and foreign when applied to the ships on the water.

Every so often, Maggie will stop Alex's movement with a hand on their shoulder, pointing out something in the sea harbour. And Alex smiles softly, at the excitement in Maggie's voice and at the heat from her hand they can feel through their blouse.

Alex teaches Maggie how to pick out Roaming Star from all the other hulls casting shadows over the port.

They drift to a stop in their wandering, both leaning over a brickwork wall, looking out at the river. The city is still alive with sound, but a quietness seems to follow them where they walk.

"How am I doing?" Maggie asks.

Alex turns, looking at Maggie, but Maggie is looking at the water. "At what?"

"Keeping your mind off whatever happened on the ship. With Max."

Alex sighs deeply and leans further on the brick wall, arms and fingers stretching out into the open air. "Very good."

"You don't have to tell me what happened, I just, I want to be sure you're okay, that I'm not making an ass of myself trying to make you feel better."

"No, Maggie," they turn and look at her until Maggie makes eye contact. "This... I needed this. Really. I'm grateful, that you would want to come."

"I did want to. I mean, Kara and Lucy were pretty insistent, but it's nice, being on land again, having you show me around. Show off that you can speak the language." She grins.

Alex asks softly, "What did they say to you?"

"Lucy just said that Max said something that really set you off and that she thought you and I should spend some time off the ship. Then she handed me off to Kara because she thought I needed further convincing."

Alex is surprised by this. "You didn't?"

"Not really. I could see how angry Lucy was; I could see the fury she was holding in." Maggie's fists clench automatically at the memory. "I figured it was pretty serious. Of course, I wanted to help. And then Kara... your sister really cares about you."

"She does. She's great. We've been through a lot together."

"She's younger?"

Alex turns, leaning their back against the brick wall. Then they're bouncing up and bracing their weight with their arms, lifting to sit on the wall. They turn so their feet dangle over the canal. Maggie follows suit, sitting close. "Yes," Alex answers. "She's three years younger. She's adopted."

"Yeah?"

Alex's voice is steady and hushed. "There was a fire, her whole family... Everyone thought she died with them, but they found her days later, skinny and dirty and silent, hiding in the empty house."

Maggie's eyes close for a moment with sympathy. "That's... that's rough."

"I don't know how much she remembers," Alex says, "but she doesn't talk about it. When my father brought her home she was so small."

"How old was she?"

Alex smiles, but it isn't a happy one, it's tight with tension. "Not even five. I was almost eight. I didn't like the idea of a sister at first, but... Kara, she's good at sneaking her way into your heart."

Maggie stays quiet, letting Alex speak. "It was almost a year before she started talking around us. A year of complete silence. Then one day... she dropped a plate and had this horrified look on her face, like, like she'd killed something." They shake their head. "And I was trying to tell her it was okay, that it was just a plate, it happens, and, I'll never forget, she begged me to take her somewhere she could buy a new plate, so my mother wouldn't get upset with her."

"Oh."

"I know. It was almost funny, it was such a mundane thing to start talking over, but she was so upset. I don't know if she even realized she was talking to me until later."

Maggie looks hesitantly at Alex, unsure about her words, before she says, "She was telling me about, about how she doesn't like cities?"

Alex nods. "I don't know what it is, nobody could ever really tell us what it is. There were a few doctors who thought it was related to the fire, to the trauma of losing her family. But..." Alex pauses for a moment, collecting their thoughts, "I don't think that's what it is. She was already so... so set when she came to us." Maggie looks confused, so Alex tries to explain, "She had her ways she wanted to do things, had her coping mechanisms for when things became too much for her. It didn't seem like it was new."

Their legs dangle over the water, heels of their boots kicking against the bricks.

"By the time she started talking, started trying to put into words what she felt, what things caused what kinds of reactions, it didn't really matter." Alex hears their own words, and they don't sound right, so they rush out, "It helped, to hear her explain it in her own words, instead of guessing based on her reactions. But it didn't really change anything. Her habits had become part of the family, and we knew when something was going to upset her, knew how to try to help."

Maggie's voice is low and gentle as she says, "It must have been hard for you, you were still so young."

But Alex shakes their head. "No, it wasn't. It wasn't that it was hard. She was family, it's what you do. But..."

They look shyly at Maggie. Maggie's face is soft, her expression open and waiting. Her presence is comforting, encouraging. Gulls drift and call from above, the water below rocks slowly with the wind, and the sounds of the city feel far off and distant. In their sphere of quiet, Alex feels safe.

"It wasn't hard, but it was confusing for me. I had this sister, dropped into my life, and she was just so..." Alex doesn't say _different_ or _strange_ or _unusual_. Those were words they used when they were younger, when Kara was new and Alex didn't understand. But as they got older, those words became curses. Kara was simply Kara, their sister, and Alex got angry when the other schoolchildren would use those words to tease Kara, to cause harm. Alex used the words because they didn't have any other way to describe Kara's behaviour. But when the words became malicious, became cruel, Alex stopped trying to separate Kara from themself.

"She was just so happy. She was playful and silly and so happy. It was confusing because she could go from laughing to sobbing - because something had set her off - so quickly. It was hard to navigate at first. In the beginning, I didn't understand what she meant when she said the world was just too much for her sometimes. But she's always been there for me. Even," Alex's voice only wavers slightly, "even when our parents weren't. When my father left and my mother... didn't understand me in the beginning. But Kara's always been there."

"You protect her."

"We protect each other."

* * *

It's late afternoon when Maggie and Alex step onboard Roaming Star. The deck is clear of all of the Lord Mech cargo.

Lucy informs Alex that they haven't taken on any additional cargo. From here, they are bound for a short stop in Le Havre, and then onto La Rochelle. They expect to reach La Rochelle in three or four days, and Lucy relays that Lena was satisfied with the update and didn't press for them to arrive sooner.

Lucy's eyes look shiny and regretful when she speaks with Alex, like she carries the blame for what happened earlier. They don't speak about it, some things are better left alone, but Alex can sense that Lucy is a little less playful and a little more protective, eyes moving around the crew as they work, making sure no one else is going to sneak up on Alex.

Not that any of the crew would, but Lucy is like that sometimes. She and Alex compete, and Lucy uses her rank on the ship to challenge Alex often, but their bond runs deep.

Alex leaves Maggie and Lucy on deck as the ship casts off from Rotterdam, feeling at home again and, strangely, grounded by the sensation of the ship arcing into the sky, feeling the deck rock and shutter as they walk. It's nice to get away, and the day with Maggie in the city was good for them, but the sky is home.

Walking aftward, they make their way to the upper deck and into the stern chambers.

Alex takes a moment to remove their binding band and slip into a silvered jacket with shiny metal trim. They want to wear the band longer, want to enjoy the sensation and unexplainable relief it brings for a little while still, but they've worn it most of the day as it is, and altitude pain can creep on quickly and without warning.

Finished with that, they cross the passageway to the navigation room. Alex knocks gently and can hear Kara speaking inside.

They enter and are surprised to find Lena there.

Kara looks up from the maps she's showing Lena and smiles. But Alex knows their sister and can see the strain in her eyes and around her mouth. She looks happy but drained. "Alex, hey."

Kara is still in her tight, constricting clothes but now has a blanket draped over her shoulders as she leans over the centre of the table. She has some of her more delicate, lavish maps rolled out. On the table near where she stands are a glass of water and a pillow.

Lena stands next to Kara, hands still splayed over the maps, in the middle of pointing out something to Kara. She's dressed in a deep brown corset dress, with ruffles and cinching at the knees and dropping low at the back. She's wearing fancy, feminine, high brown leather boots, and a patch of skin shows between the tops of the boots and the bottom of the skirt. "Oh, Captain," she says.

"Miss Luthor," Alex says and then winces.

Lena tisks, "Ah. I see my reputation proceeds me."

Kara watches quietly but doesn't seem surprised at Alex's admission that Lena is a Luthor.

"I was informed by a crewmember who recognized you."

Lena nods. "I hope you take me at my word when I say that I only wish to reach France, Captain. I've tried to move away from the reputation my family name carries."

Alex studies her for a moment. "You are aware that your brother's actions pose a threat to my crew?"

Lena's lips harden into a thin line. "He and I are... not close," she says carefully. But she doesn't offer any more. "I'll leave you two alone," she says. She nods to Alex, who nods back, and then smiles gently at their sister. "Kara."

"Bye, Lena," Kara says softly as the door closes. Her eyes skirt over to Alex and she gives a tired smile, "Hey. How was the city?"

Alex moves through the room. They tug the blanket off Kara's shoulders and gently wrap her in a hug, "It was okay. You look worn out."

"I'm fine."

"What were you and Lena Luthor talking about?"

Kara begins carefully rolling up her maps. "She was showing me where she's from," Kara says, tapping one of the parchments and then rolling it away before Alex can see. "And I was showing her how I map weather patterns."

Alex takes in the room. The plate with a single, half-eaten biscuit left. The navigation instruments that are not in their usual, perfect positions, but are all over the table and on the floor out of the way. And there are more books now on the table than on the cot in the corner. They raise their eyes at their sister.

"You don't need to worry, Lucy already told me: 'Be careful, Kara. She's a Luthor,'" Kara recites. "She's nice, though. She kept me company, even with all the noise from below."

Alex is sure their surprise is clear on their face. "Really?"

Kara gives a little half shrug. "Things don't feel as loud around her."

Hearing that makes something small inside Alex tense and coil tightly because Alex has always been Kara's person. Alex has always been the only one Kara wants to confide in, the only one Kara can often stand to be around when the world becomes overwhelming.

Even when they were younger, before Alex's father left. Even then, when Kara would be sobbing under a table, eyes squeezed shut and hands clamped over her ears, Alex was the only one allowed near her.

Jeremiah gave the best hugs, and Eliza's hands in Kara's hair could always soothe her tears, but Alex's words, Alex's presence, Alex's touch, was the only one Kara could tolerate when everything became too much for her.

And now, when they're both grown, Kara hides away when they dock. Kara hides away, and can only stomach interactions with crewmembers for short amounts of time.

It stings a little, that Lena was allowed past Kara's defences.

Alex tries to keep their voice light as they tease, "Replacing me, are you?"

The skin around Kara's eyes crinkles as she says, "Never." She pulls Alex into a hug and Alex melts into Kara's arms.

They move to Alex's quarters, dozing to the soft clicks of the tinker mech Winn made for Kara and letting the exhaustion and strain of the day drain away from both of them. Kara's body is warm and familiar, burrowed under the covers and snuggled into Alex's side. Alex grows sweaty and warm, overheated with Kara nesting next to them, but they don't move to get up. Instead, they drape their arm over Kara's back, drawing her closer. They both need the physical nearness after today.

When Kara wakes Alex slips away for a short while, stealing food from the mess. It's quiet, most of the crew has already eaten, but M'gann has food set aside for the pair. When Alex returns and after the food is eaten, they gather all the blankets and pillows they have between them and go outside to the upper deck.

J'onn is on evening deck watch and makes sure they aren't disturbed. Alex appreciates this because it can be hard to keep their rapport as Captain when the crew sees them being this soft with Kara.

They spread out the blankets and pillows on the deck outside Alex's quarters. Alex lies on one of the blankets, arms pillowed behind their head, and Kara drapes a thick blanket overtop of Alex's body. Then she manages to burrow under a pile of pillows and blanket heaps, manoeuvering herself until she's on her back next to Alex. In total, Kara is under seven pillows and two blankets, and she takes her time to adjust them just so until she's satisfied they will block out the cold.

Alex waits quietly, a gentle smile on their lips.

When she's ready one of Kara's arm stretches out from between the pillows, set to trace the sky, and she starts.

"Vega," Kara says, locating her favourite star first and pointing it out.

It takes Alex a moment longer to locate the brightness Kara's pointing to. "Okay, found it." Alex shifts, angling their head so that in their line of vision Kara's finger points to the correct star.

"Vega, the brightest star in Lyra, the harp. Also, the best star." Even with her voice hushed, her smile is evident in her tone. Alex watches as Kara's finger traces the constellation. She's square and sure in her movements. Kara has many star maps but she hasn't needed them to find her constants in years.

(Alex is a different kind of constant for Kara.)

"Then down to Altair," Kara continues, hand arcing downwards, "the head of Aquila, the eagle." She traces the cross in the sky, outlining the wings and tail and circling back to the brightest star at the head.

"And then up and to the east," she says, finishing the triangle, where she always starts when they map the stars together at this time of year. "To Deneb, Cygnus' tail." She outlines the larger bird, the swan's wings sweeping wide across the sky. "And then there's Albireo," she adds, pointing, "the beak."

Kara would know the names of every star in the sky if she could.

She waits, giving Alex time to sort out the shapes she's drawn above them on the dark canvas. To Kara, the stars come naturally. To Alex, who's been doing this for years with Kara, it still takes a few moments for the patterns to take shape.

"Okay, there's the plough," Alex says, reaching above the blanket and moving Kara's hand across the sky to trace along the line of stars.

Kara rhymes off their names with ease, "Alkaid, Mizar, Alioth," and so on.

"Which one has the twin again?"

"That one," Kara says, hand tracing backwards and stopping near the tip of the plough. "Mizar, it looks like one star but it actually has a twin-"

"I just see one, not two."

"That's because your eyesight is terrible, Alex."

"It is not."

"It is," Kara hushes them, then continues, "Mizar has a twin, and they make up the middle of the Great Bear's tail."

"It's a plough, not a bear."

Kara ignores Alex. Her hand drifts lazily across the night sky, "And there's Polaris, the tail of the Little Bear."

"That one really should be your favourite," Alex teases.

"I don't, no, pfftt," Kara huffs, just like Alex knew she would. "I don't need the pole star to know where we are! I can tell where we are just fine without it. And, it's obvious; Vega's prettier. So, no."

"Kara, they're dots in the sky."

"And Vega is a prettier dot than the North Star."

"Okay. If you say so."

Kara's voice is quiet as she maps out Hercules and Ophiuchus next, tracing their awkward shapes. These ones are harder for Alex to visualize and to locate since they don't form a _shape_ the way the other ones do. Alex can see the box of the harp, the crosses of the birds, the bellies of the bears. To Alex's eyes, these ones are more abstract, but they trust Kara to point them out and draw them for Alex.

Kara doesn't just use her fingers to trace the shapes; she uses her whole hand, moulding her fingers and palm to follow the shapes she wants and lining them up with the stars, accentuating and outlining them to help Alex see.

She points downwards, lower in the sky. "Sagittarius and Scorpius are just peaking through, battling in the South." She traces back and forth across one patch of the sky, "That's the cat's eyes, the tail of the scorpion." Alex squints, and the creature takes shape.

"I think... I think I see the bow?"

From where the two lie they can't see the entire centaur, it's blocked by the top of Alex's quarters, but Kara guides Alex's eyes, tracing the bow and arrow, rhyming off the names, "The Kaus: Borealis, Media, and Australis..." and on she goes, naming each one.

"Can you see any planets?"

Kara takes a moment, scanning the sky thoughtfully. And then she nods, soft but eager, as her hand speeds to the West. "There, the faint blue one."

Alex squints but isn't sure anything is there. "I don't see it?"

Kara trills lightly with laughter, "Your eyes really are bad, Alex."

"No, you just know exactly where to look. Which one is that?"

"Uranus. Right now it's sitting in Virgo."

"I'm still not sure I can see it."

Kara is gentle as she guides Alex's eyes. "This is Virgo," she says, connecting stars together, "And there's Spica, its brightest star. Do you see that one?"

Alex nods.

"Uranus is a few stars above Spica right now. Follow my hand." She traces again, slow and careful as she leads Alex to the faint blue speck in the sky. "See it?"

Alex isn't positive but nods anyway. "Any other planets?"

Alex turns their head, watching Kara frown up at the endless black above. "I think we've just missed Jupiter. It should be over here around now," she points northwest.

Closing their eyes, Alex listens as Kara muses and makes her way eastward, tracing out Draco's coil and Cassiopeia on her throne. These two are always present in their travels around Europe. They can feel Kara's arm shifting, still lazily drawing patterns in the sky as she continues talking more to herself now than to Alex. She murmurs quietly to Alex the constellations entering from the East, explaining rearing Pegasus, Capricornus's horn, and the lovely Andromeda.

Kara cuddles closer as Alex drifts off. Her arm comes down, but she still whispers her way through the night sky, finding smaller, lesser-known constellations and dimmer stars that she still knows by name. She lets Alex fall asleep to the sound of her words.

J'onn rouses them some time later. Alex blinks soft eyes open and sees his face smiling fondly down at the pair of them. Kara is still awake, eyes still lost above, hand now clasped tightly with Alex's.

Alex feels their cheeks heat at the caring look J'onn is giving them and is glad the deck lights aren't bright enough to show them blushing.

Kara crawls out from under her mountain of pillows, features peaceful at last after the stress of being above one of the loudest cities they frequent.

"Anything to report?" Alex asks as they begin to gather the pillows and blankets.

"Not a thing," J'onn says, voice low and reassuring, "All's quiet."

"Okay. Good."

"Feeling better?"

Alex nods, and J'onn lays a hand on their shoulder. "I'm glad, Captain."

Kara takes the blankets and pillows that are hers and, after hugging them each goodnight, drifts off to the lower deck and down to the berth to get some sleep.

Alex takes their own things and makes the few steps across the upper deck to the hatch that will lead them to their bed. J'onn follows and when Alex's hand is on the door he draws their attention.

"I'm happy," he says when Alex looks back, "that you two can so easily give each other what you need."

Alex nods. "She's amazing."

"So are you, Alex. You're amazing, too."

Alex ducks their head, feeling his pride settle warm and comforting over their shoulders.

* * *

When Alex wakes the next morning Roaming Star is flying steadily southeast, pushing to hit Le Havre by the next morning. They leave their quarters and wander the deck for a short while, eyes roaming the sails and the lines, the turbines and the lively crew working easily to one of Vas' shanties. They check in here and there, offering suggestions where they can.

They have a good crew; these people all know what they're doing. Alex is still in charge, but at times they like to ease back and let the crew grow confident in their actions. It gets them nowhere fast if the Captain is standing right behind them, always harping over their shoulders.

Once they're sure the flight is going smoothly, they go below to find some breakfast.

Kara and Clark wave Alex over as soon as Alex enters the mess. After stopping and getting some food from M'gann - a concoction of egg and vegetables that smells delicious - Alex sits down across from the pair.

"Glad the roiderbanks is finally out of your hair?" Clark asks.

"You have no idea," they huff. "If I never have to see him again, it will be too soon."

Kara gives a sympathetic smile. She starts talking about France, and Clark, thinking she's distracted, tries to steal some food from her plate. Kara swats his hand away without pause, words flowing a mile a minute.

Alex sees the moment both of their eyes look away from Alex, when Kara and Clark look up and smile at something behind them. They half turn in their chair, and see Maggie and Lucy approaching, each with a tray of food.

"Hey," Alex says.

"Hey, Captain," Maggie says, a soft smile on her face as she drops down right next to Alex. Lucy settles on Maggie's other side.

"Looks like we made good time last night," Lucy says. She looks between Kara and Alex, "Le Havre for tomorrow morning?"

"Vas said we hit some good air last night. If that stays with us, I think we'll make it by tomorrow easily," Alex says with Kara bouncing in agreement.

Alex always loves their first days out of port. Seeing Kara out and about, smiling and excitable instead of hiding away below deck.

"So, I have a confession," Maggie says and everyone turns to her. "I have never even heard of Le Havre."

Kara launches right back into talking about France and all she knows of their next destination. When she pauses to take a breath, Clark cuts in, "Le Havre is in Normandy, across the Channel from Brighton," to which Maggie shakes her head helplessly. "On the mouth of the Seine?" Maggie nods her knowledge of that one, at least. "It's nice there, good wind for skysailing."

While Clark is distracted, Kara snags one of his bread rolls, takes a bite, and slips it back onto Clark's plate unnoticed.

"It's a decently sized port," he goes on. "The harbourmaster there, his son and I go way back."

Lucy snorts.

"I mean-" Clark stops and huffs, rolling his eyes. "Thank you, Lucy." Lucy chuckles and winks. "We did that too, sure, but I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I sailed with him for a little while before Kara dragged me onto Roaming Star."

Kara frowns, forehead crinkling. "Didn't you spend a year working in Hamburg while you were involved with the daughter of the harbourmaster there?"

"When you sail the sky, what better place to meet people than where all the ships meet."

"Here, here," Lucy laughs, leaning across the table to clink her glass against Clark's.

Maggie rolls her eyes at them both but presses on. "Kara dragged you on board?"

"I did," Kara says excitedly. "We've always been close. He grew up near Alex and me."

Alex smiles. Clark has always been like an older brother to the two of them. He knew Kara and her family before the fire and sometimes would tell Kara stories of what he remembered of her parents. He wasn't around as they got older; he left when Kara was nine to join a skycrew and didn't see her again for nearly a decade. He was one of the few things Kara had of her life before the fire and he abandoned her, for which Alex will always carry some resentment, but they know he cares about Kara deeply.

And Clark leaving to pursue a life in the sky was what first put the idea in Alex's head - left to stew and grow until Alex became too suffocated under the dresses that they left for the sky as well - so they do owe him that.

"We were in London three years ago," Kara explains to Maggie, "taking a day's shore leave. Alex and I were in the city visiting Eliza, Alex's mother. Our pilot at the time, he was at an alehouse and drank too much. He ended up picking a fight with the wrong guy and got arrested. And we had a shipment schedule to meet."

"Kara knew I was in town." Kara tries to take Clark's bread roll a second time and he flicks at her hand without looking down. "So she dragged me on board. There was actual dragging by my collar."

"Pfftt, no," Kara shakes her head, cheeks going pink. "I didn't drag you."

"You did," Alex smirks.

"Don't worry, Kara. You were nice about it. But there was pulling and dragging done by you."

Kara waves his words off. "Only because you didn't think Alex would let you sail with us."

Maggie turns to Alex. "Why weren't you going to let him sail with you?"

"He was experienced but had only sailed smaller craft. Roaming Star was a lot larger than he'd handled before. But I let him try; we were short another of the Helmscrew; her partner was expecting a baby within a week, so we needed another set of hands."

"And he's stayed on ever since," Kara says proudly.

"So I've heard how James ended up sailing with you," Maggie says with laughter in her eyes. "Winn told me all about how Kara convinced him to jump ship and sail off with you lot instead when he was in Piraeus with another crew. Vasquez told me how he sailed on and off with J'onn for a few years before joining Roaming Star." She smiles at Kara, "And I know you probably followed this one," she bumps her shoulder against Alex's, "into the sky."

Alex breathes out quietly at the playful shove, trying to hold back their smile.

Kara, looking bashful at Maggie's words, nods that Maggie's assumption is correct.

Maggie looks at Lucy. "What about you? How'd you end up here?"

Alex groans.

Lucy says flippantly, "Oh, I slept with the son of Roaming Star's owner."

Alex mutters, "You're terrible."

"Oh, no. I'm worse than terrible," she laughs.

Maggie turns and looks at Alex, surprise clear on her face. "You don't own the ship?"

Alex smiles softly at her. "I do. Lucy and I co-own the ship, now. But before that, I was hired to Captain the ship, to act on the owner's behalf. With smaller vessels, the Captain usually owns the ship. But with full-rigged ships, it's often a merchant that owns the ship and they hire a crew to sail in their name."

Slowly and subtly, Clark's fork drifts to Kara's plate. He manages to spear a piece of her egg and get it into his mouth before she looks over and glares at him, breathing out sharply through her nose in annoyance.

"He was a nice man," Clark explains, laughing at Kara's facial expression but focusing on Maggie. "Older, and really friendly. His son was terrible though."

Maggie laughs, "And you were seeing him?"

Lucy scoffs dramatically and launches into her explanation. "Oh, that beefwitted applejohn and I were romping about in Scotland. It wasn't anything serious. He was good for a laugh and not much else. But he refused to believe me when I said I had sailed the sky before. He, the uncouthed ass that he was, was convinced I was just a rebellious noble's daughter," she shakes her head and lets out an annoyed huff. "His father owned Roaming Star, and Alex agreed to let me join the crew for a spell, to prove the wingnut wrong."

"Lucy loves a challenge," Alex adds. "And because she's Lucy, of course, she proved him wrong. And then she left him in the wind."

Maggie smirks and says cheekily, "He must have been heartbroken."

Lucy nods. "Oh, I'd imagine so."

"Noble's daughter?"

Lucy's eyes drop to the table. She pointedly ignores the question and takes a few bites of her food instead. Maggie keeps her attention patiently on Lucy, waiting for her to answer.

Kara bounces excitedly from the other side of the table, fingers tapping on the tabletop. "Oh, just tell her, Lucy."

But Lucy shakes her head. "My growing up was uninteresting. I have well-off parents, sure, but uninteresting. Finishing school and croquet on the lawn and art lessons by the pond; no one wants to hear about that. There's nothing interesting about my parents. Or about me, before I started sailing. Except for the cat, really."

Which is a blatant lie, Alex knows. Lucy's father is a powerful, decorated general in the British army, and her mother regularly takes tea with the Queen - at seventeen Lucy herself had her debut before Queen Victoria, her presentation to the social court, curtsying before the royal.  But for as long as Alex has known her, Lucy has always distanced herself from her parents. Lucy was never someone meant for crocheting and sipping tea. Lucy has too much spirit, too much life in her to be tied down.

And Alex knows that after Lois, the elder, the beloved, the beautiful and proper daughter up and left to pursuit a career - in journalism no less - the scandal and heartbreak meant Lucy's parents were that much harder on her. Her parents forced Lucy more and more into a mould she didn't fit, since she was all they had left, since she was the only way they could make up for what they were missing with Lois. Suddenly Lucy was their only way for the family to climb the social ladder, play the political game, and gain them more wealth.

Lois was always the favourite, the one on a pedestal, destined for high society and wealth and furthering the family's name and status through a powerful marriage; when Lois decided to pursue her own desires, suddenly Lucy was dragged out from under Lois' shadow. Suddenly her parents had a need for the spare.

Alex has their own reasons for not being able to fit the mould set out by their parents, but both Lucy and Alex spent years suffocating under corsets and lace. After turning down two marriage proposals Lucy found her way onto a skyship and fell in love with the sky and has tried her hardest not to look back at the noble life she left behind.

And because Alex knows Lucy, knows that Lucy prefers not to talk about that part of her life, they help Lucy steer the conversation away.

They drift to talking about Maggie; Clark and Kara asking her questions about where she grew up, about her family and fishing and life on the water.

Maggie dances around the personal questions; she gives answers that feel truthful but don't offer many details, don't reveal any depth, and Alex notices. They feel special, knowing that they've learned a little more about Maggie while in the city with her. They still don't know a lot about her, there are still many things Alex wishes they knew about Maggie. But it feels like the answers Maggie gave privately to Alex were much more detailed than what she's offering the table now.

M'gann wanders over and drops a crate on the table right across from where Alex is sitting. "If you all are going to talk all morning, the least you could do is be helpful and peel some vegetables while you do it."


	4. Le Havre, France

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  Warnings for panic attacks and ptsd in this chapter. The fun just keeps coming.

They hear the news as soon as they dock in Le Havre harbour the next morning. The sky is dark with rolling clouds, and the wind is strong and sharp. Alex doesn't need Kara's weather tracking to know there's a storm approaching. But the bad weather is not the only thing they have to worry about.

The sky harbourmaster is climbing on deck less than ten minutes after they're tethered down, before they've even begun to unload their cargo.

He's stepping on deck and asking for the Captain, and Alex is walking forward with Lucy shadowing. Both are tense because this isn't usual. They check in with the harbourmaster at each port they land in, of course, but the harbourmaster does not normally seek them out so soon after docking.

"What is the trouble, sir?" Alex asks, standing at attention.

He looks harried. His shoulders droop and his eyes show dark bags underneath. "Where do you hail from last, Captain?"

"We left Rotterdam the afternoon before last, been skybound for a full day."

"So you likely haven't heard the news, then?"

His voice carries despite the wind and everyone on deck stills in their work. A heaviness sets over the ship. An ominous feeling.

"There was... there was an attack on London harbour two mornings ago. Pirates brought down two ships; Steamfin and Kestrel's Wrath."

Alex takes in a sharp breath as the wave of empathy and anger hits.

Lucy is the first to find words. "They took down two _harboured_ ships?"

He glances at Lucy and Alex sees right away that he won't respond to her because she's so clearly a _woman_ on deck. He's weary from the heavy new but not weary enough to forget to his beliefs. Alex repeats the question and he looks directly at them as he says, "They did. The docks are... messenger mech coming in across the Channel say the docks are a mess. They have a handle on things now, but there are cargo and debris everywhere and there are still fires going."

Alex's stomach has dropped. "How? How did they...?"

"The attacks came from two smaller vessels, only two-masts each. Came in from both sides of the harbour, colours down. And then they were letting loose with their cannons without warning. Neither of the merchant vessels stood a chance, not unprepared like that. Only two went down, but a number of other craft were damaged. London harbour - sky _and water_ \- are on lockdown. I hope you aren't expected there."

"We just came from London," Alex says numbly. "Three mornings ago."

The man looks relieved. Still exhausted, but relieved on their part. "Then you were lucky. You missed them by a day."

"Do you know what provoked the attack?" J'onn asks from where he stands a few feet away. He was in the middle of a conversation with Maggie about supply provisions but moves towards them purposefully.

"The reports from London are still unconfirmed. Personally?" he looks back at Alex, "it doesn't sound like the ships were the target, it seems like any ship would have done. I think hitting the harbour was the real goal. I believe it may have been a message to someone of high rank working on the docks. Sometimes it can be," he pauses, "difficult, to avoid corruption, especially when pirates are concerned."

Alex takes a second to process this, then they ask, "Do we know who was behind it?" They can't help glancing at Lena, who stands tensely a few feet away, hand covering her mouth in her surprise.

(Lena had wanted to get out of London as fast as possible.)

The harbourmaster shakes his head. "Flags were down. And they were small ships, not easily recognizable. I don't know if they'll be able to find them."

It's then that Lena walks over. She walks stiffly, and Alex can see her hands shaking where she has them clenched at her sides. But she takes on an air of sophistication, and air of wealth, as she approaches. "Master Guildsman, do you have word of how many were injured, or if... or if there were any casualties?"

He bobs his head respectfully at her, a stark contrast to his treatment to Lucy. "At least ten dead between the two crews and the dockworkers. Likely more. Reports are conflicting on how many were injured but I'd say upwards of thirty."

Lena's eyes widen. She looks shell-shocked.

Alex tries not to focus on Lena, tries not to think about how she was willing to pay them any amount to get her out of London as fast as possible.

Alex drags their eyes away from Lena as J'onn says, "Cowards. Attacking a ship in the harbour? That's a coward's move."

"I thought the harbour is safe ground, is neutral ground," Lucy says quietly.

The harbourmaster gives a harsh laugh. "You'll find, _miss_ , that pirates choose to ignore the rules when it's convenient for them."

Alex takes a half step in front of Lucy, stopping things before they get started. "Thank you, for informing us," they say, ending the conversation.

"Just doing my job, sir." He frowns, looking harder at Alex, but then continues on, "That's all we can do right now. Get your cargo unloaded and get yourselves airborne. And stay safe." He nods at Alex and J'onn, eyes passing right over Lucy, and gives a deeper nod to Lena before departing.

Lucy is vibrating next to them but Alex lays a hand on her arm and murmurs, "Now's not the time, Luce."

They continue to stand in a loose cluster. The entire deck is eerily silent and still, unsure what to do or say.

All wondering, as Alex is, if the attack on the ship near Malta is related to this.

Alex takes a deep breath and lets their voice carry as they say, "Alright. You heard the man. Let's get unloaded and into the sky again." Alex feels shaken by the news, but they know the crew is looking to them for direction. Alex knows they need to put on a brave face no matter how worried they are.

They turn to J'onn. "How necessary is the provision run?"

He seems to weigh his options. "We need more fresh water and fuel for the gaslights. M'gann can probably manage on what she has from Lisbon for fruits and grain. But she was expecting a trip to the butcher. Anything else we need; rigging, tarp patches, coal for the engines, and a few gear and spring requests from James - that can all wait until need be, Captain."

"Alright, use your judgement-"

"When is need be?" Lucy cuts in.

"What do you mean?" Alex asks.

"After this we're cresting Brittany, heading south for La Rochelle. We have no set jobs after that if we don't take on any cargo here." She glances between Alex and J'onn. "What's the difference between stocking up here or there? We don't really know that one port in France is safer than another, or if we're even in danger or not. We could rush out of here and right into danger, couldn't we?"

"We're safer in the sky," Alex says.

"Are we, though?" Lucy doesn't say it challengingly towards Alex, doesn't say it maliciously. She isn't questioning her Captain, just reasoning with them. But she says it like she's stating a fact. "Bailiff was larger and stronger than us, and it went down."

Alex lets out a sigh and runs a hand through their short hair. This is why Lucy is Chief Mate. She cares about the crew and their safety just as much as Alex does, but often she has a different viewpoint on things than Alex.

"We can put up a stronger fight in the sky," J'onn says. "And there's less risk of civilian casualty. Alex is right, we're better off in the sky than in the harbour. But," he looks at Alex, "She isn't wrong. If things are tense right now, it might be better to stock up on a few things, in case we need to stay in the air for a while. At the moment, there's really no difference between this and another port in France."

"Except that this one is closer to London," Lucy says.

Alex makes eye contact with Lucy as they nod, acknowledging her. "Alright, see to it that Vas and her mates have the cargo unloaded. And I'd like to keep our options open once we take off; no new cargo or passengers if we can help it." They look to J'onn, "Take M'gann and Maggie into town with you - and Winn or James if you need them - and stock up on whatever you think is necessary. Not enough to weigh us down too much. Don't buy the whole market. But make sure we're well supplied to last us another few days without worry."

They pause for a moment, before adding on, "And make sure the gundeck is fully stocked. I'd like you to give Maggie a lesson on artillery. We haven't covered that with her yet, but now's as good a time as any if she's going to be staying on."

"You're expecting a fight?" Lucy asks.

"No, I'm not," Alex says honestly. "But I'd rather us be prepared."

A strong gust of wind blows along the deck and Alex has to brace their feet against the force for a moment.

"And the storm?" J'onn asks. He glances up at the sky. "It could still be a few hours off."

"If we can beat the weather, then I'd like to. But don't kill yourselves trying to. I'll check with Kara though, see what she thinks."

"Understood."

J'onn and Lucy both depart for their assigned tasks. Alex walks towards the companionway, intending to go below and inform Clark and his Helmscrew - and Kara - of the news of London's attack. Lena, who stayed quiet while Alex planned their next move, falls into step next to them. "I suppose you'd like to know if I know anything about the attack."

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt." They glance sidelong at Lena. "But, yes. Was it Lex? Did you know?"

They reach the bottom of the steps. Lena takes a moment, collecting herself and what she wants to say. "I honestly can't tell you if it was Lex or not. Do I think it's possible it was him? Yes, it's very likely. Did I know there was going to be an attack on the harbour? No. My haste to leave London was for... personal reasons."

Lena looks shaken. Her face looks pale and her eyes are glassy and Alex can spot the anxious tension in her posture.

Alex realizes they believe her.

They wonder where home is for Lena; was London her home, and she's just heard that it's been attacked. Or is France her home, and she's realizing how close she was to being caught in the middle of this. Or is home somewhere else entirely, and she's simply shaken by the destruction and death that has happened.

"You think it was him, though?"

Lena gives a harsh trill of laughter, "Oh, Captain, I have little doubt my brother was behind this. I couldn't say for certain why he attacked the harbour, what his motivation was... though I have a hunch. But I'm sure that if a trail is found, if they can determine the two ships that fired and then fled the scene, it will trace back to my brother. I am positive of that. His reach across the sky is... probably far greater than you realize."

"It doesn't sound like there's any love lost between you two."

"There isn't," she says and walks off towards the berth.

* * *

Kara makes her prediction, and within ten minutes of when she says the storm will happen, the downpour starts.

The storm mutes the city below so that even Kara is on deck, working hard between Alex and Vasquez, helping to finish unload their cargo. All of the crew are freezing - teeth chattering and bodies shaking but they work through it, dragging up the heavy crates and barrels from below and loading them onto the steam-powered cranes and skylifts. The wind and the rain slow them down, fight against them, and the colder they are, the less their bodies cooperate.

One of the Guncrew slices her hand open and Alex seeks momentary relief below deck to stitch the woman's hand and dress the wound.

And when the unloading of all the cargo is finished, there's more to do. J'onn and his team return and with them are boxes of food and provisions and huge vats of freshwater, all of which need to be transported up, loaded on deck, and then brought below and packed away.

It's only late afternoon but the sky is an angry black. The deck lights sway violently in the wind, casting sweeping shadows and making it harder to see. Everyone is drenched; the rain is in their eyes and the wind tries to lift them from the deck, but still, they press on. The sails are all taken in. They stay airborne on engine power alone.

The entire ship plunges and rocks in the sky, riding the gale-force winds. It's difficult and dangerous moving crates along the deck as the whole ship bucks and sways. But Roaming Star is sturdy, Winn and James' engines are strong, and the thick tethering lines hold.

The only comfort is that they've taken on no new employment, no new cargo. So eventually, the loading will end.

The harbourmaster grounds all the ships in his sky. London may have been attacked and danger may be lurking, creeping towards them across the Channel, but no ship will leave his watch. He insists that anyone that tries to navigate the skies in this weather is putting their life, and the lives of their crew, in serious danger.

Alex has no energy to argue when he demands they stay in the port until the storm lets up, not that they would argue anyway. Alex has sailed rough skies before, has been caught in life-threatening weather, and knows this is not a gamble they want to take. The lives of the crew rest on Alex's shoulders; to Alex, the crew's safety comes above anything else.

The crew, sopping wet and ice cold, seek refuge below when the work on deck is finally done. M'gann has hot stew and alcohol ready and waiting, and all of the gaslights are brightly lit and warming. After eating, the crew drift along the lower decks, finally warm and dry, but growing restless as the afternoon bleeds into evening and they can't set sail.

Alex, still feeling chilled and a little damp, ends up sitting on the ground playing cards with Winn. The ship's elusive cat is sitting a few feet away, watching them from the corner of his eye. Big-boned and close in height and weight to a medium-sized dog, he's an impressive but silent phantom of Roaming Star's passages.

(Lucy insists he's a Highlands tiger; Alex thinks he's a dwarfed actual tiger.)

(He has the temperament to match.)

Winn and Alex are playing their card game on the gundeck, listening as J'onn teaches Maggie about the artillery they carry and how to use it.

Maggie is thoroughly enjoying the lesson.

"We have one style of cannon that takes exploding shells, the Paixhan guns." J'onn gestures around the room, "Everything else takes solid cannonballs that cause impact damage. But these ones," he taps one of the Paixhans, "Their shells are time-delayed. They impact and lodge into the wood of the enemy's hull and then detonate, blasting holes in the ship's sides."

"We call them the Pixie Twins," Alex says and lays a card on the ground. Winn rolls his eyes and plays a much better card.

Maggie asks, "I thought your hull is metal?"

J'onn laughs, "Ours is, but older ships still have wooden hulls. So that's when it's fun to break these out. Pirate ships are often old and repurposed, so sometimes they'll have metal sheet coverings, but will still be all wood inside. If they are metal hulls we use the solid shot cannons. The ones over there," he points to the cannons on the port side of the room, "are the demi-cannons. They have decent range; they're our go-to guns. They can do a lot of damage if handled properly."

"The Grumblers," Winn says absentmindedly, more focused on the game.

"This is what we call the Brain Smasher," J'onn says to Maggie, leading her to the far end of the cabin. "Carronade cannon, short range solid shot. It's powerful and does intense damage, and it fires our heaviest shot. But it has less accuracy, so it's a short range, fast blast type cannon."

Maggie runs her hands along the black cast iron. "I'm loving the names."

"Lucy names everything," Winn says, not looking up from his hand of cards.

"And finally we have our long-line cannon. It can only take smaller weights, and it fires through the stern gun ports, whereas the others all fire from the starboard and port sides. It has great range, and is good for if someone is chasing us or if they're further out of range of the other cannons."

"That one is the Nose Breaker," Alex says, watching Maggie. "Because we can break a ship's nose with it if they give chase."

Maggie laughs.

Winn nudges Alex's leg with his foot and they lay down a card automatically, without really looking at their hand. Winn is beating them, but Alex is only half paying attention, more interested in watching Maggie's face grow more and more excited with each new thing J'onn shows her.

"How heavy shot do you carry onboard?"

"Your standard," J'onn says. "We range from round shot weighing eight to thirty or forty pounds." He points to the ammunitions wall. "Everything is organized and stored there. We mostly carry solid spheres of cast iron," he nods towards the cannonballs. "But we also carry canister shot that gives a shotgun spray; grapeshot, which breaks apart in the air and scatters; general exploding shrapnel; and chain-shot which is excellent for bringing down masts and ripping sails." He points to each thing along the shelves as he talks.

Maggie whistles her appreciation. "What's your favourite?"

J'onn smiles. "Fire arrows. They ignite when the cannon is fired. Round shot does heavy damage, exploding shells are good for wooden hulls, but these can set fire to the deck easily. Fire on deck means a panicked crew, easier for us to fight back."

"You see a lot of action?"

"J'onn likes his toys," Alex says. "And we like to be prepared. We've fought pirates before; battles can be nasty, so we need artillery to fight back. We don't deal with pirates often, but it happens," they shrug. "J'onn purchases a new cannon every time we fight off pirates, it's a tradition now."

Alex watches as Maggie's eyes sweep across the room, counting the number of cannons they carry. She looks back at Alex with wide, serious eyes. "Well."

"We don't go looking for fights," J'onn cautions, laying a hand on Maggie's shoulder reassuringly. "But when they come, we make them regret it."

Winn deals the two of them another hand and Alex hardly looks at their new cards. "Show her the Crotch Rockets," Alex tells J'onn.

Maggie looks at Alex, brows raised comically. "Crotch Rockets?"

Alex smirks. "Again, it's all Lucy."

J'onn huffs at the name but does as asked. "These are the Captain's personal favourite," he says, moving away from Maggie to lift up one of the hand cannons from where it rests along the starboard wall. Three and a half feet long, the culverins have a wooden and steel casing around the back end, with handles for bracing their weight. "You brace these on your hip and fire decent sized round shot. Much more powerful than a revolver. Not that we don't lack in those," and he gestures to the front of the cabin, which has a number of racks holding revolvers of all sort.

Maggie's face lights up as she watches him handle the hand cannon. "Can I try?"

J'onn laughs and hands it over.

Maggie braces it against her hip and J'onn shows her how it's loaded, aimed, and fired. He mimes her through firing, showing her how to brace her feet for the intense kickback.

"Alex. Alex, are you even paying attention?"

They aren't, they are watching Maggie's face. Alex lays down a card on the deck between themself and Winn and he gives an excited cheer as he lays a better card down on top, winning the round.

Alex tries to make a better effort after that, half playing a round with Winn, half listening to J'onn take Maggie through a practice round of running the guns. He demonstrates on one of the demi-cannons, walking her through swabbing the barrel, loading the gunpowder, cloth, and shot and securing everything with the rammer. Then he shows her how the cannon's carriage is aligned flush with the gunwale and the end left protruding through the gun port.

"Then you sight along the barrel and pull the gunlock. And watch out for the kickback."

Alex watches as Maggie's eyes roam the room again before she turns to Alex. "You carry a lot of firepower. How do you still stay in the air; doesn't this make you stern-heavy?"

"Vasquez and J'onn have to work closely together to keep the ship balanced, yes," Alex replies. "The gundeck and the engines are near the stern, and the turbines are mid-way along the ship, all of which add a lot of weight. The front of the ship is where we store the cargo, supplies, fresh water vats, and spare cables and rigging. It's Vas' responsibility to make sure we have enough weight to balance J'onn's fancy toys."

"The orlop deck is where we store cargo and supplies," J'onn explains, "and below that is the ballast compartments. We can pump water between compartments, to keep it closer or further from the bow, and between the port and starboard side, to keep us balanced properly when we sail windward. If we are carrying a lot of cargo, we'll drop ballast. If we are flying light, we'll carry extra salt water. It's tricky business."

Maggie shakes her head. "Most of our fishing ships carried ballast, but, this is just so much bigger."

"It's all about balance," J'onn replies. "Vasquez is very good at her job," he smirks, "and is very good at finding balance. And she and I have been working together long enough to know how the other operates."

"How long have you been sailing?" Maggie asks, leaning against one of the cannons.

Alex glances back at Winn. He has a careful look on his face as he plays a card hesitantly. Alex immediately plays a better card, falling for the bait. Winn grins and throws another card to the deck, trumping Alex's card and winning the hand yet again.

"A few years shy of twenty years," J'onn answers.

Maggie whistles. "You have a family back home?"

Both Alex and Winn look up from the game immediately, cautiously watching the interaction.

"I did," J'onn smiles fondly. "I grew up in America, in the South."

Alex can see as Maggie seems to count back, to judge how long ago he lived in America. Her mouth opens, but she doesn't ask the question Alex can see written on her face. Instead, she gives J'onn a small nod of understanding.

"I was twenty-seven when the war broke out. My wife and I," he hesitates. "We were slaves. A plantation in Georgia. When the war... our eldest died in a fire, a Yankee raid. My wife and our youngest... the longer the war went on the more scarce food and supplies became, and the Fever began to spread. I lost them both. I lost them all," he amends.

Maggie stays quiet for a long time before offering, "I'm sorry, J'onn."

Alex can see the pain on his face as he looks at Maggie, but then J'onn turns, to look at Alex and Winn sitting on the floor, and a fondness slowly eases into his features. "I may have lost my wife and my girls, but I still have a family."

Alex blushes and smiles at him. Winn reflexively squeezes the cards in his hands, creasing them. "We love you, too, J'onn," he says.

Maggie looks back and forth between them all, smiling, like it makes her happy seeing how close they all are. Letting the heaviness of the moment pass, she says, "And you and Vas have been sailing together for a long time?"

"On and off through the years, yes. Vasquez and I have worked together on a few different vessels." He nods towards Alex. "I've been sailing with this one longer, though. Since their first time in the sky." Alex's lips pull into a shy smile in response to the pride they can hear in his voice. "I've practically watched them grow up."

Alex glances away and lays a card down distractedly. "Your cheeks are red," Winn says softly so only Alex can hear.

Alex nods, they're aware, but they keep their focus on the deck. The heat in their face isn't from uncomfortable embarrassment, it's a quiet bashfulness, from hearing the love in J'onn's voice.

"Oh, do tell," Maggie says.

"Please, do not."

J'onn looks at Alex's pleading face and laughs. "You know I only ever have good things to say of you, Captain."

"Exactly my point," Alex mutters, feeling the warmth in their cheeks grow, feeling Maggie's gaze on them.

"I was Chief Mate on the first ship Alex sailed on. Alex may seem calm and reserved now, but there was a time when they were rushed and eager to please. Alex is smart, but it took many years of training to get to where they are now. And more than one fall from the mast."

Maggie's face blooms with laughter.

Alex decides to speak up before J'onn can offer any more embarrassing tales to Maggie. As much as they enjoy hearing Maggie's laugh their cheeks are red enough as it is. "Most of what I know I learned from J'onn," Alex says, looking between the two. "I've sailed under his guidance and Captainship for a long time."

"And now you sail under Alex's orders?" Maggie asks, surprised.

"Oh, I've had my run as Captain more than once," J'onn says, laughing again. "I'm good where I am now."

"And he likes his fancy toys," Winn adds

J'onn makes a good Captain and Alex offered easy and immediate respect for his orders the first time they sailed under J'onn's lead. He's strong and level-headed and knows how to make the hard choices. But he's been sailing for a long time now and has started stepping back, letting his sky family have a shot at leading. He's still there, still coaching, but he's pushing for the people he cares for, for Alex and Vasquez and some of the others, to climb higher in rank, to sail to places even he hasn't seen.

A good Captain knows when it's time to stop being Captain. A good Captain wants to elevate their crew, not rule them.

What J'onn has done with Alex, Alex is starting - trying - to do with Lucy. Lucy has the fiery determination, the selfless drive, to be a good leader. She still doubts herself, still has her reservations and fears, but Alex is pushing her. One day, Lucy will have her own ship and her own crew to lead.

Which means that one day Alex will lose their best friend. But Lucy insists it's a long time off. She says she enjoys the friendly rivalry and pushing Alex's buttons too much to leave just yet.

"Well," Maggie says, smirking at Alex before looking back at J'onn. "I'd love to hear more stories of Alex as a greenhorn."

"Oh, I have many. And I have a few embarrassing tales of Winn, too."

"Hey, now, that's not fair."

Eventually, J'onn is called away for his turn to stand watch on deck. Even with the heavy rain, they all have to take shifts.

(Especially with the attack on London harbour still fresh, with the fear that another ship could sneak into the harbour under the cloak of rain and attack them while they sleep.)

Maggie drops herself onto the deck right close to Alex and joins in Winn and Alex's card game. Clark and Kara wander in shortly after and soon the cards dissolve into the group telling Maggie past stories.

"So I know Vas has a wife in Italy," Maggie says after they've told her of the time Vasquez was chased half-clothed through the port of Venice by an angry goat. "Do any of you have lovers back home?"

"You mean besides Lucy?" Clark asks and they all chuckle.

Maggie smiles and then looks thoughtful. "How many does she...?"

"Lucy has six partners," Alex explains, voice soft. "Four men and two women, scattered along the coast of Europe. I've met all of them. She works really hard to see them all as often as she can, to keep all their relationships burning. I don't think it's for everyone, but she balances it really well."

"Lucy loves people," Kara adds. "These aren't just casual things for her. Some of her partners she's had for years. She tries really hard to make sure everything is healthy and open; she doesn't keep secrets between them."

"It sounds like a lot of work," Maggie says.

Alex shrugs, "For some. For Lucy, it's as easy as breathing. She as a lot of love to give."

"So aside from Lucy...?"

"We all think Clark has a sweetheart," Kara says teasingly.

"Oh?"

Clark smiles, but his face doesn't offer anything.

Kara nods. "He won't tell, but I'm convinced. His heart is on land with someone else."

Maggie looks quizzically at Clark but he stays quiet.

Alex isn't surprised. Aside from his bond with James, Clark likes to keep a bit of mystery about himself. He disappeared from Alex and Kara's life when they were still schoolchildren, and they have only heard bits and pieces of what he was up to between then and Kara finding him again.

Alex doesn't mind; everyone on Roaming Star comes with their secrets, their pasts, and part of the atmosphere Alex strives to create is that everyone on board can reveal or hide what they want about themselves in whatever amounts keep them comfortable, keep them feeling safe and secure. No one is required to share anything.

Of Clark, Alex knows enough to trust him with the ship and with the lives of the crew. They know he's a good man, that he will always have Alex's back, and that's what's important. They don't beg to know more than what he, or any other member of the crew, offer.

(Except with Maggie. Maggie fascinates Alex and Alex strives to know as much as they can about her.)

"Anyone else?" Maggie asks, looking around the group. "Winn?" she prompts when she sees he's looking away.

"Yeah," he looks back at Maggie. "Like Lucy. There's been a few ladies, and gents, over the years. Just, spread out. Not exactly like Lucy."

Kara giggles. "I think Maggie meant, do you have a sweetheart?"

Maggie nods, smirking at him.

He blushes right away. "Oh, um, well. Yes. Yes, I have someone."

 Kara says brightly. "Philip lives in Cardiff. They're engaged."

"Hey, good for you, Winn."

He smiles shyly at Maggie. "Thanks. This is, uh, this is my last run. Next time we're in Wales, he and I are going to start our life together."

Alex catches Maggie's eye as the conversation shifts for a moment - Kara talking excitedly about how happy she is for Winn. Alex shakes their head slightly and murmurs into Maggie's ear, "Winn's told Philip that twice now. Each time Winn sees him, he tells him just one more sail. He loves the sky too much; it's hard for him to commit to leaving."

Maggie's face falls at this, but she pulls her smile back on when Winn looks back at her.

The conversation drifts as the night grows on. The storm outside rages, rain pelting against the ship. The wind begins to lessen but the force of the downpour grows harder. Lightning flashes through the gun ports and Alex jumps at the first crack of thunder. Kara shares a sympathetic smile with them but Alex tries to hide their tension from the rest of the group. Eventually, they all turn in for the night, Alex hoping more than the rest of them that the storm will be over by morning.

* * *

_Pirates._

_Alex has been learning the ways of the sky on King's Hound for almost two years and has never encountered pirates._

_Until now._

_The ship is burning, falling from the sky. The foremast is damaged; cracked with the force of a cannon and gunpowder blast. It leans backwards, tangling with and shredding the sails on the mainmast. The deck surrounding the foremast is on fire._

_The rest of the deck is splattered in blood._

_The engine room and starboard turbine spew angry plumes of thick, black smoke. The heavy, billowing clouds make it difficult to breathe. Alex has their shirt pulled up over their nose, but it isn't helping._

_Another deep, racking cough seizes them and Alex stumbles. One arm clutches the gunwale, bloody knuckles white as they try to keep their footing. The ship is falling on a sharp angle, and cargo crates slide along the deck towards the starboard side._

_Smoke is in Alex's eyes and nose. They are groping their way forward towards the bow. Men are yelling, screaming as they abandon ship. The engine clangs on, breaking apart as it struggles to keep them airborne. A doomed task._

_Alex's right arm is clutched to their chest, a bloody, painful mess. They'd taken a bullet for the Captain, but it hadn't done any good. Seconds later, he'd been shot in the head, spraying Alex in blood and_ something else _Alex is refusing to think about._

_The only thing Alex is thinking about, the only tangible thought they can manage, is, find a lifepack. Find a lifepack, and jump._

_They've stumbled their way along almost the entire starboard side rail, but all the hooks are empty. All the lifepacks are taken._

_There was one lifepack per crewmember, which sounded fine when the ship was sailing smoothly through the sky. But is suddenly unbearably terrifying when Alex can't find one for themself._

_They have to find one. Jumping without a lifepack is as deadly as staying on board the dropping ship. At least burning to death would be quick. Hitting water at full speed from this height? Alex would die instantly, but first, they'd have to endure the long, agonising minute of freefall._

_Another cough burst from their chest, and Alex hunches over, stomach clenching painfully as they brace themself against the rail. Stars burst behind their eyes._

_Alex can feel the panic rising. They can't breathe. Even without the smoke choking them, their body is freezing up and refusing to cooperate, terror taking hold and locking them in place. There are no lifepacks left. They can't breathe, can't see, can't move from the fear. They are going to die on this ship._

_"This is what happens when you go back on a bargain with a sky pirate," the gnarled, grizzly man had said. His eyes had been black and wild. His beard was thick and tangled, coarse grey with a patch missing in the cheek, where a large, bloody pockmark was visible. The stench rising from him had been so foul that Alex's eyes had smarted instantly._

_It was their Captain's fault, he'd told them, holding a large, angry pistol and levelling it at the Captain. Their Captain had double-crossed a pirate, so now the whole crew would pay._

_He had fired but Alex was already moving, throwing themself in the way. The Captain was to blame, the Captain had purposely cheated a pirate, endangering the entire crew. And still, Alex reacted, throwing themself in front of him, taking the bullet._

_Now, bleeding and choking to death, they can't understand why they took the bullet. The Captain put all of their lives at risk, the Captain took a gamble and lost, and still Alex dove in front of him. Still, Alex was loyal. Alex saw the pirate's face harden, the snarl begin to grow on his features, knew what was coming, and reacted._

_A thunderous boom echoes across the sky, an explosion of sound and light that rocks Alex on their feet. The hull of the dying ship bucks with the force of the cannon fire's impact._

_And Alex is airborne._

_Screaming. Alex is screaming screaming screaming as they are suddenly hurtling through the sky, plummeting towards the open ocean that Alex knows will hurt more than anything they can imagine when they hit the water. Hitting the water will hurt like it's solid steel, will likely kill them instantly. If it doesn't, their body will be too stunned with pain to do anything more than drown in the black waters. There is nothing to do, nothing to hold onto, nothing to slow them as the wind rushes past them. The air steals their voice but still, they scream._

_They are going to die._

_Blue. So much blue around them. Blue of the sky, blue of the water. They are falling through nothingness with the burning, sinking ship looming above, growing smaller and smaller._

_Tears stream down Alex's face. Everything is so cold and terrifying and the panic still clutches at them, squeezes their lungs, but still, Alex keeps screaming because what else is there to do but scream out their fear?_

_Impact. There is a grunting as both bodies collide together. Alex's screams rise in pitch as warm, strong arms wrap around them, holding Alex close and crushing their bleeding arm. The pain intensifies and radiates outward down the limb and Alex can't help but shriek louder._

_A deep, grumbling, reassuring voice in Alex's ear. "Stop screaming, Alex."_

_And all of a sudden Alex's voice winks out. Their mouth is still open, pain and terror still real but they've lost their breath, lost all sound._

_J'onn. J'onn has them. J'onn's found them. J'onn will keep them safe, keep them alive._

_"I," Alex gasps out, forces the words through their shaking body and out past chapped lips. "I couldn’t, there weren't any, couldn't find the-"_

_"It's okay, Alex. I've got you."_

_A sob breaks loose._

_J'onn dove after them. J'onn has them._

_The wind still rushes past them, the ocean still rises closer and closer, immanent._

_"J'onn," Alex croaks out. "The weight."_

_"If this thing can hold me, it can hold the both of us." Alex is almost eighteen, but they're lanky and scrawny. J'onn is a mountain of strength and muscle._

_And it does hold them. The altitude gauge pops and the canvas expands, easing them into the water. The water, so sharp and biting cold that Alex has a whole new battle to fight to try and breathe. But J'onn is here. J'onn won't let go._

_They bob in the water and watch King's Hound explode in a fiery end, watch the flares streak out into the sky, calling for aid. J'onn assures them that other ships will come._

_Alex can hardly speak. It's all so much. First, the fear as the pirates boarded, attacked, killed. The panic trying to find a lifepack as the ship burned around them. The absolute terror of freefall towards the dark, angry sea. It's too much to process, too much for Alex to comprehend what's happened. They should not be alive, but somehow, they are. Alex is overwhelmed, senses blown trying to grasp what's happened._

_Two weeks later, finally home, still shaking and traumatised but finally home, they tell Kara. Alex tells Kara how they understand now, what their sister means when she says everything becomes too much for her, when sight and sound overload her, overstimulate her. Alex understands now, what Kara means when she says there are too many things to process and all she can do is cry because she is overflowing with emotion._

_Alex cries into Kara's arms for a long time. Even weeks later, safe on solid ground, Alex feels the seizing panic exploding inside them each time they close their eyes._

_Kara is angry. Alex has spent their life looking out for and protecting Kara. Standing up for and listening to Kara when others don't, when other's shrug her peculiarities off, or punish her for them. Kara is mad that she wasn’t there to protect Alex, that Alex was trapped between a fiery death and plummeting to doom and Kara wasn't even aware._

_She swears to stay by Alex's side, to join Alex in the sky. Kara's spent a lifetime staring at the stars, studying calculus and cartography, memorising how to find the azimuth and zenith, learning to use a sextant and a chronometer and calculate sights. She insists to not be left behind any longer. Kara swears to follow Alex into the sky, to keep them safe and watch over them. Swears that one day, she'll navigate the skies with Alex, plan their routes as they venture high above the ground._

_Alex swears that if they ever own a ship of their own, there will always be more than enough lifepacks._

_Alex swears to purposely learn to jump over the sides of ships, to intentionally experience freefall, to practice using the lifepacks. To control their fall so they can rescue someone, the way J'onn rescued them. Alex wants to learn how to control the swell of panic and stare down this newfound fear of falling to their death. Alex wants to never fear the sky again._

* * *

Alex bolts upright, chest heaving as they gasp for air. The sheets are damp where they are clutched in a death grip in Alex's hands. Hands that are shaking. So much shaking. The sheets have been shoved down in Alex's haste to sit up, but it still feels like there is a heavy weight resting on their chest, smothering them, making it hard to breathe. Alex can't breathe.

They try to suck in more air, into a mouth and lungs that feel stuffed with cotton. Their mouth tastes dry, thick, bitter with the soot they've breathed in from the fire. It's sharp and acrid, and they choke, caught between wanting to breathe and wanting to expel the taste. Their stomach and chest and throat seize with the discomfort and it hurts.

The room is pitch black; dark, dark, darkness swallowing them. Alex can't see anything, nothing but the dancing flames blurring with wide, fast-rushing sky from the memories. No light leaks in from the porthole. They are trapped in the empty darkness as the dreamed panic floods into their now waking self.

The panic is real. So real.

The smell of burning wood and soot and smoke, of blood and death and dying, is so, so vivid. Their eyes smart at the smell of burning flesh surrounding them, as the terror enfolds them. The ship is burning around them. On fire. Everyone is dying.

Alex is going to die.

They think someone is calling them. There's a muffled sound, a voice from far away, but Alex is underwater, drowning from the fall from the burning sky into the deep, black sea.

The rain pelts against the ship, loud and raging like a hailstorm, like drums beating down against Alex's chest, making their heart thump rapidly, painfully inside them. The rain pounds on and on and pinpricks of tingling pain erupt along Alex's skin in response.

Lightning.

It flashes. Explosive. Blinding.

It illuminates Maggie standing in the hatchway. The room is only lit for a second but Alex can see Maggie's mouth hanging open, concern and confusion clear on her face.

There is a moment's pause after the lightning flashes where the room falls dark again and Alex knows what's coming - the panic and suspense become overwhelming as their body tenses and waits for what's to come.

And then the inevitable comes roaring into their ears. The thunder is like a cannonball to the chest, the sound of the sky exploding and ripping open. The sound of pure, blind terror.

Alex cries out and throws themself from the bed, crashes into the bulkhead and collapses, entire body shaking and pooling on the floor as they tuck their limbs in and curl into themself, trying to block everything out.

It's so much. It's so real.

They can't breathe.

They're going to die.

They can't breathe.

"Alex, Alex," Maggie calls, voice thin and hardly there at all. Alex is aware of Maggie's presence, crouched in front of them on the floor. But they can't respond, they're too far gone, trapped inside the hysteria. The thunder and the echoes of flames and the space void of breathable air is pressing in on them too hard and too fast to handle.

Alex keeps shaking. Maggie doesn't try to touch Alex, only calls their name over and over.

"Alex, Alex, you're okay, you're safe, Alex, you're alright, it's okay."

There's another flash of lightening and Alex knows it's coming but they still sob brokenly and their body tenses and curls tighter as the thunder booms across the sky. It feels like their muscles are tearing and ripping with how hard their body is curling and straining and collapsing because they can't breathe.

"Alex, can you look at me? You're safe, you're okay. Can you lift your head for me?"

Their whole body is shaking so hard it hurts. They want the panic to end. Maggie's voice is like a lifeline, a harbour light shining out in the darkness. Maggie's voice is solid, is steady and Alex wants desperately to be lead out from the panic.

They uncurl just a sliver, eyes flicking up to look at Maggie. Alex can hardly see her in the darkness. Maggie is so still. But Maggie is real, Maggie is real and Alex can focus on that. Maggie can guide Alex out of the haze of past trauma.

"Light," Alex breathes more than says. But Maggie understands. Alex is still curled and rigid, knees to their chest, arms wrapped tight trying to hold back the shaking, trying to hold in the shaking, but they lift their head and watch Maggie move away, disappear into the darkness as she slips to the far side of the room.

She presses the brass tap and gas floods into the chamber, flames fanning out inside the sconce. The lighting is dim, the mantle facing upwards, towards the ceiling, but it is enough. The dim light in the room helps Alex to feel grounded, helps them to sort out what is real and what isn't, helps to ease the panic. The light illuminates Maggie. And Maggie is real. Maggie is here.

She walks back towards Alex, movements slow and cautious, hands held loosely in front of her. Her fingers are splayed, showing she means no harm. She sits down on the floor and Alex can see how wide her pupils are, blown with concern. Her eyes are damp with tears.

"Alex. Alex, is it okay if I touch you?"

Alex lets out a gasp and jerks their head 'yes' once. They are still shaking, still gasping air into their lungs. Everything burns, everything stings inside. It hurts to breathe, but it hurts not to.

They need something to tether them to the here, to the now, to the light.

Maggie slowly, slowly reaches forward, giving Alex ample time to pull back if they change their mind. She lays her fingertips on Alex's arms, and when Alex doesn't pull away, she presses her hand flat against Alex's skin. She doesn't tug, doesn't try to forcefully uncurl Alex. She just lets her hand press flat for a moment, letting Alex feel the warmth radiating out from her palm. Then she gently starts to rub circles into Alex's arms, lets her fingernails faintly scratch along Alex's skin.

Alex opens their mouth but Maggie shakes her head. "Just breathe, Alex. Focus on breathing. Nice and easy."

"Can't," Alex chokes out.

"Yes, you can, Alex." Her hands don't stop moving, don't stop gentling Alex's skin. Maggie has her gaze locked on Alex, holds Alex's eyes with her own. Alex stares into deep, deep brown and tries to breathe. "Just follow me." Her other hand reaches forward, pressing into Alex's chest. "Breathe into my hand, Alex. Just follow my breath, I'm right here with you." There's another boom of thunder and Alex tenses and shrinks in on themself but Maggie talks over the sound. "In, breathe in, Alex, now let it out, out. Press out into my hand. Breathe in, you're safe, Alex. Deep breath in, you're okay, you're safe. Now breathe out again, nice and easy."

Maggie keeps talking, her presence soothing and calming and easing the panic out of Alex. Alex can feel it, ebbing away, snaking back. The clutch on their lungs, on their heart, weakens. The darkness slinks back.

Eventually, the shaking stops.

Eventually, their breathing gets easier.

Eventually, the thunder stops booming across the sky and the rain begins to lessen.

Alex feels heavy with exhaustion, drained from the force of the panic and terror. Their head tips forward, bumping into and resting against Maggie's arm in their attempt to lay their head on their still bent knees. Alex's eyes flicker closed. They keep breathing in time with Maggie, breathing into Maggie's hand, and Maggie keeps rubbing their arm.

They feel cloudy, their brain sluggish as things start to come back into focus, the feel of the floor beneath them and the wall they lean against, cold but not uncomfortable. The gas lighting lets out a steady hum as the flame flickers and burns, chasing away the dark night.

The realisation of what's happened floods into Alex and they jerk in reaction. Alex registers Maggie's presence, Maggie's touch, Maggie's voice, and they stiffen, pulling back as embarrassment rushes into their overblown system.

"Alex, it's okay."

They realise they had been staring straight ahead earlier, staring but not really seeing Maggie. But they are seeing her now. Her face is concerned, soft and open. She lets her hands drop as Alex pulls back. She doesn't try to chase Alex.

"Hey," Maggie says when Alex makes real eye contact, instead of the terror-clutched stare.

"M-Maggie, what..." Alex glances around the room, trying to process everything. "What are you doing here?"

Maggie slowly reaches forward again, once again giving Alex time to pull away, and takes one of Alex's hands and gently tugs it into her lap where her fingers continue to trace spirals and lines along Alex's skin, this time over their palm. "I was looking for Kara, and I heard... I heard you shouting."

Alex nods like it makes sense, but it doesn't, not really. Everything is hazy, everything is fuzzy around the edges.

"You don't like storms." The way Maggie says it, it doesn't sound like a question. The way Maggie says it, it doesn't sound like there's judgement.

"I have... dreams," Alex says lamely. "I... I almost died, and sometimes it, it comes back to me."

Maggie processes this for a long moment before saying, "You're okay now, though?" Her fingers don't stop their gentle movements.

"Yeah," Alex lets out a deep breath. "Thanks."

"Of course, Alex."

Alex feels exposed, feels raw and vulnerable like this before Maggie. Alex is supposed to be the Captain, the confident leader. Alex isn't sure what to make of having Maggie see them like this, so broken and in pieces on the floor.

But Maggie's voice is soft, and her touch is even softer against Alex's skin as they sit together on the floor of Alex's quarters. Maggie doesn't look like she would rather be somewhere else. She gazes at Alex with a gentle, attentive look, eyes roaming over Alex's face, reading what's written there, studying them.

Alex isn't sure what their face says, but maybe they don't feel totally uncomfortable with the idea of Maggie wanting to read it.

"What time is it?" Alex asks.

"Late." Maggie blinks. "Early, I guess."

"Why were you looking for Kara?"

Maggie shrugs, "I couldn't sleep, and she had offered to teach me about some of her star mappings. She wasn't in the berth, so I went looking."

"I'm sorry you found me instead."

"I'm not," Maggie says immediately.

Alex looks away, feeling embarrassed.

"Alex," Maggie calls them back to her. "You don't have to be strong all the time."

"I do, though," Alex sighs, "I'm the Captain. I have-"

Maggie shakes her head gently, "Not all the time, Alex. You're allowed to be human." When they don't respond, Maggie presses, "Okay?"

"Okay," Alex says, voice quiet.

Maggie looks tenderly at them, her smile radiant in the soft light. She gives Alex's hand a final squeeze before moving away, shifting to her feet.

Alex feels the loss of contact right away and frowns slightly. The coldness of the room starts to seep in without Maggie's touch.

"Would you like me to find Kara?" Maggie asks as she stands.

Alex hesitates but eventually says, "No." Alex always tries to downplay the panic in front of Kara. Kara, who experiences so much of the world as it is doesn't need to be weighed down with Alex's problems. Alex is supposed to be the strong one, has always been the one to protect Kara.

Kara knows Alex has night terrors, knows that bad storms can set off attacks for Alex, but she doesn't push. She lets Alex come to her when they need to, when the panic gets really bad and Kara's embrace means safety.

(Maggie's touch tonight was similar, but different.)

Alex tries to stand as well and finds their legs are shaky and weak, but Maggie is right there, at Alex's side, guiding an arm around Alex's back and easing them over towards the bed.

"Would you like me to stay?" Maggie asks, confident and concerned and not at all awkward and unsure, the way Alex knows they would feel if the roles were reversed. Maggie's full attention is on Alex, waiting for an answer.

Alex isn't sure what the right answer is; doesn't know what to say. Maggie's presence is soothing, she radiates calmness, and Alex still wants to seek that out, wants Maggie's fingers back on their skin, chasing away the panic.

But the reality of what's happened is setting in and Alex is a mix between emotionally spent and embarrassed at their vulnerability before Maggie. So they answer with, "I'm, I'm okay now."

Maggie smiles and moves away from the bed. She doesn't look disappointed or relieved, so Alex isn't sure if there was a right or wrong answer they could give.

"Leave the light on?" she asks when she reaches the hatchway.

"Please." And their voice is a little strained, is a little desperate. Because the light helps. The light always helps.

"Okay, feel better, Alex." She gives Alex a long, searching look, and then is gone before Alex can really think about what it means.

* * *

Things between Alex and Maggie are different the next day, a sort of hushed, softness is shared between them. When they work together, Alex still instructing Maggie in sailing the sky, it feels like there's a hazy glow enveloping them, a tenderness Alex wasn't expecting. Maggie's seen Alex at their most vulnerable but offered comfort, not ridicule or disdain. If any of the crew notice, they don't know the reasoning behind. Alex is still seen as the strong, confident Captain. Maggie hasn't shared the secret of Alex's pain and panic the night before.

(Storms like that are the reason Alex is glad their quarters are completely removed from below deck. Only someone standing on the upper deck, or Kara if she was up late working in the navigation room, may have heard. That is, if the noise of the storm didn't drown them out.)

Maggie has now completed three cargo runs with Roaming Star. Nothing is said about it; Maggie continues on with the ship as if she's been there longer than just a few days. As if it hadn't been a probationary period where she may have been asked, or herself may have asked, to part ways in Le Havre.

The storm still rages on, keeping them grounded in the harbour another day. Kara consults her instruments and tells Alex it will end soon, but is firm that they should stay where they are and wait out the storm. The thunder has stopped, for which Alex is grateful, but the heavy rain doesn't slow. It beats down against the ship relentlessly, making it impossible for them to even consider raising the sails.

The crew grows more agitated, frustrated without something to do to keep them busy.

Alex spends the morning with Maggie in the bridge, where Alex and Clark give her detailed instructions about what all the mech does and how it works. They walk her through the instrument panel, all the gauges, levers, and springs, and how they connect through the keel to control the rudder and turbines.

The past few days Alex has been teaching Maggie about the sails above deck, and the different ways they angle the canvas to catch the wind. Now, since they are stuck below deck, it is as good a time as any to teach her about the engine's power behind how they sail. Clark walks Maggie through the mechanics of how he steers the massive ship and shows her how some of Kara and Winn's instruments help them navigate and maintain their altitude.

The late afternoon is spent with Maggie and Lucy in the mess, talking about everything and nothing. Maggie has wormed her way so easily into the crew. She gets along well with Lucy, laughing and teasing Lucy whenever she can, and sharing private looks with Alex whenever Lucy says something ridiculous.

Like, "I can't believe you've never jumped from a moving steam engine before, Maggie. That's child's play."

And, "You're telling me you haven't ever considered commandeering a street-crawler, not once?"

Or, "Maggie, it isn't that weird. Squid is a delicacy in some places. You grew up fishing, you should know."

With each one, Maggie throws a look at Alex, rolling her eyes in amusement, like she and Alex are in on a secret, both aware that Lucy is being dramatic but neither one wanting to tell her. Content to let Lucy keep talking while she and Alex share a private conversation with their eyes.

Alex watches Maggie, is very aware of her presence, of how she interacts with Alex. She stays close to them, sharing carefree smiles often with them, and Alex catches themself smiling back easily, without hesitation. Maggie smiles and Alex smiles too.

Alex catches themself holding their breath whenever Maggie leans in close to say something just to them, breath warm on Alex's ear.

Alex feels their heart quickening whenever Maggie touches them, laying a hand on their arm or playfully bumping her shoulder against Alex's.

And Alex realizes that maybe Maggie is a little bit distracting.

They think that they might be drawn to Maggie for more reasons than just because she's good company. The softness between them now stretches over Alex completely and it feels new.

(And maybe exciting?)

By the time evening hits, Lucy and Maggie have decided that, despite the terrible weather, they need to get off the ship for the night. Alex doesn't really pay attention, spending more time watching Maggie than registering what she's saying. But Lucy and Maggie plan their evening, smiling and joking about wanting to have some fun in the town. The pair drag James and Vasquez into it and Vas tells them of a pub she knows, promising they will all have a fun time.

They are all bored out of their minds and desperate for something to do so once they get a trip to an alehouse into their heads even the rain isn't enough to slow them down.

Maggie lays a hand on Alex's wrist, fingers drumming absentmindedly, saying, "Are you going to come, Alex? You haven't said anything for a while." She smiles, dimples showing.

And the heat, the spark from the contact jolts Alex hard with realization. The hazy bubble they've felt surrounding themself and Maggie bursts, loud in Alex's ears, as all their interactions with Maggie over the past few days suddenly rush into their mind, tumbling over each other and creating clarity.

They pull their hand away sharply. "Oh, no. That's okay, Maggie. You and Lucy go. I think Kara needs a little sibling company." They jerk back in their seat, spooked by the realization of their feelings and suddenly needing distance from her.

Maggie frowns at Alex, eyebrows drawing together in confusion as she tries to read what's written on Alex's face, in Alex's actions.

Before Alex can say anything, before Alex can come up with an excuse, Lucy says something to Maggie, drawing her back into the conversation with James and Vasquez about their plan for the night.

Alex makes their escape, slipping down the nearest companionway and seeking refuge in the empty cargo hold. They drop down harshly in the dark, ignoring the coldness of the room as they sit and lean against one of the cargo containers.

They need a minute to think.

Alex is drawn to Maggie. Alex has revealed so much about themself to Maggie over the last week: in the mess before they reached London, again on the canal in Rotterdam, and then last night. Alex doesn't normally like to talk about their past with people, but with Maggie it feels easy. Maggie draws the words out of Alex and they feel comfortable sharing with her. They like Maggie knowing about them.

And Maggie's presence makes Alex feel safe in a way even Kara can't. Maggie is so tender and open with Alex. She readily agreed to spend the day with Alex in Holland, keeping them distracted from what happened with Max. Maggie didn't even know the whole story but she still agreed, still made an effort to make Alex smile.

And then last night.

Last night was so raw and painful but Maggie was so soft, so gentle with Alex. She stayed with Alex, comforting them and chasing away the panic with her touch, when she didn't need to. When she could have gone to find Kara instead of sitting with Alex until they could breathe again, running her hands up and down Alex's skin and murmuring soothing words.

Alex shifts and lays back on the cold deck, arms behind their head, staring up into the darkness.

They think something tentative and fragile might be blooming between themself and Maggie.

Alex feels so happy, so peaceful in Maggie's presence. They want to know so much more about her. Want to know as much as Maggie will let them. Alex wants to know about what makes Maggie's eyes go hard when she talks about her past, what happened to her that makes her skim lightly over personal details about herself.

They feel excited around her. They feel their heart speed up when Maggie is close, when Maggie smiles at them, when Maggie touches them.

Alex loves Maggie's smile; can't get over how open and expressive her face is, the way her eyes shine. Can't stop thinking about her dimples and the way they make her face seem softer, sweeter.

And Alex realizes that they might like Maggie. Might be attracted to her. Which is new. Alex has never experienced this, any of this, before.

They've tried, in the past, to be with people. But it always felt like there was a wall between them, like Alex was missing something.

But with Maggie everything is different, everything is giddy and exciting, and Alex thinks this might be what was missing in their life.

They like Maggie.

It's scary.

It's new.

But what's scarier is that Alex thinks that Maggie might feel the same way?

It might just be the attraction bubbling inside them, but Alex thinks about how Maggie doesn't act the same way around the other crewmembers. Maggie is softer with Alex. Maggie has smiles she only shares with Alex. Maggie doesn't let her hands brush against other crewmembers the way she does when she's talking with Alex. Maggie always chooses to sit next to Alex, close enough for Alex to feel the heat of her body, even when there are plenty of other places to sit or people to sit next to.

Maggie keeps choosing Alex.

Alex lies in the dark for a long while, trying to understand when this happened, when Maggie went from being just the new greenhorn to something more, to someone Alex wants more with.

(It's really scary.)

When Alex surfaces from the lower decks sometime later, Maggie and the others are long gone, willing to brave the rain in order for a distraction and a good time at a pub.

Alex doesn't mind. They need some space, need some time to sort through everything rushing around inside their head, need some time away from Maggie.

They do go and spend some time with Kara, though, not wanting to have lied to Maggie when they rattled off their excuse for not joining in tonight. And Kara catches on quickly that Alex is acting differently, that they seem distracted.

"You keep smiling," she says, looking up and staring hard at Alex. "You aren't even listening to me, are you?"

They're in the navigation room. Kara and Lena have been pouring over Kara's maps, reviewing the locations of the last known pirate attacks, trying to find a pattern, trying to find safe sky to fly in. Now Kara's maps and scrolls are spread out over the table as she shows Alex what they've found so far.

(Which looks like a handful of pins stuck in the maps, all unrelated.)

"Yes, I am."

"No, Alex. You have a silly look on your face and are definitely not listening to me." She leans forward across the table, poking Alex in the arm. "Tell me."

"Kara, it's nothing."

"I know when you're lying, you know."

"Okay," Alex amends. "I'm not... I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet." They give Kara a hesitant smile. "Is that okay? I'm still... I'm still sorting through things."

Kara gives a little huff, but she nods. "Alright. But I do eventually want to know why my normally grumpy sibling is currently wearing a dopey grin."

"I'm not wearing a dopey grin."

Kara turns around and digs in one of the chests against the wall for a moment. She turns back with a flourish, brandishing a hand mirror. She holds it out to Alex. "You are."

Alex catches sight of their face in the mirror and can see the pink tinge to their cheeks.

"See?"

Alex snatches the mirror and sets it down on the far side of the table, out of Kara's reach.

"Well, that was rude. But you said you don't want to talk about it, so I'll let it slide, _for now_ ," she stresses.

Alex gives Kara a half smile in relief and then turns back to the map. "I'm not really seeing anything useful here."

"I know," Kara sighs heavily and then flops down onto her chair. "I really thought we were on to something." She makes one of her frustrated pouts and reaches out absentmindedly to Alex with one hand, fingers wiggling in the air, while she stares down the maps and pins on the table.

Alex moves around the room, stretching out their hand to let Kara grasp it and tangle their fingers as they move closer. Then they are moving around behind Kara's chair, hugging her from behind. Their hands are still joined, Kara hugging Alex's hand to her chest. "I thought you were, too. I know it's disappointing. But if there is something there, I'm sure you two will figure it out."

"But she's leaving. If we can leave the harbour tomorrow, then it'll be just two days of sailing before she's gone."

"You got along with her pretty fast."

Kara makes a noncommittal noise, "Pfft. No. I mean."

"You did," Alex says fondly. "Everyone else on board that knows who she is has been pretty tense." They detangle themself from Kara and lean against the table next to where she's is sitting.

"She's easy to talk to. With other people sometimes it's hard to" she waves her hand vaguely, "navigate." Kara smiles at her own choice of words. "But Lena I can follow. And everyone is tense because of who her brother is. But she isn't her brother." She gives Alex a look that Alex supposes is meant to be threating but looks more like a frown.

"I know she isn't her brother, Kara. And I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt in all this."

"Yeah, well, Lucy's not."

"Then take that up with Lucy."

"Maybe I will." She crosses her arms stubbornly.

"You're a good person, Kara. And it's nice that you can be a friend to Lena when she doesn't have anyone else. All this stuff with Lex, even if she isn't involved, it can't be easy on her."

Kara hums and then says, "So are you sure you aren't going to tell me why you're acting so giddy?"

Alex groans.

* * *

They're heading down to the mess. M'gann is asleep, but Alex is hoping they can find something to eat in the galley anyway. Preferably something that is quiet to prepare so they won't wake anyone.

It's late, well after midnight, and Alex's face is sore from trying not to smile so much in front of Kara. Their heart feels confused, but also light and excited. They've been up all night thinking about Maggie and their stomach is beginning to growl.

They can hear the rain still pouring outside and Alex wonders if the storm will ever let up.

Alex rounds the corner.

And then.

Halts.

They stop short, breath violently ripped from their lungs, happy high crashing down instantly, shattering around them. The force they stop with is so sudden it feels like they've smacked into an invisible wall.

Lucy is standing further down the hallway, half hidden in shadows. She's dressed in thigh-high leather boots, with sharp, thin heels and lacy trim. Her pants are tight, tight leather that shows off her figure. And she's wearing her dark red corset.

Lucy doesn't normally wear corsets; she doesn't care for them. She prefers loose, flowing blouses that let her move freely around the ship. But when she does wear one, she means business. This one is a rich, dark red that sits low on her hips. It has black leather trim and brass rings, and a leather pouch on her hip for her coin. It emphasises her shape, leaving little to the imagination. A leather strap stretches between the capped shoulders, drawing the eye to her cleavage.

Alex isn't attracted to Lucy. But Alex has eyes and even they can admit when Lucy looks stunning.

But Lucy isn't all that Alex is looking at.

They're staring at Maggie.

Maggie, who's wearing plain black trousers and simple lace-up boots. She's wearing a top Alex hasn't seen her wear before; a white blouse that stands out starkly against her brown skin, with a neckline lower than what Alex has seen Maggie wear. Over this, she wears a rich brown underbust corset, which only emphasises her curves under the blouse. And she wears her brown leather jacket, half sliding off her shoulders, the one she bought with Alex in the market in Lisbon.

Maggie, who even in the shadows Alex can see has her hair cascading down over her shoulders, loose waves that gently frame her face. They are both soaking wet and dishevelled from the wind and rain and their night out. But Maggie's hair still looks beautiful.

Maggie, who Lucy currently has pressed up against one of the bulkheads.

Kissing her.

Alex's lips part in surprise. Their stomach clenches with pain. Their eyes water.

Maggie has her hands gripping Lucy's hips and Lucy has her hands tangled in Maggie's hair and it all looks hungry and passionate and Alex stands there numbly, unmoving.

Lucy kisses many people. Alex knows this. Lucy kisses many people and Alex has never been bothered by it before.

But seeing this, seeing her kiss Maggie?

It hurts.

It hurts more than Alex would ever admit.

It hurts and Alex is quickly backing away, trying to keep their footsteps silent, trying to hold in their breath, trying to trap down the keening sound that wants to slip out of their throat. Maggie and Lucy are completely enamoured with each other, unaware of Alex's presence, but Alex still keeps deadly silent as they slip away, turning the corner and then swiftly moving down the passageway.

They make it above deck, they make it to their own quarters, before any sound comes out. They stand, body sagging against the closed door, and let out a ragged breath. It sounds wet. It sounds full of pain. Alex stares blankly ahead, unseeing, trying to understand why seeing Maggie and Lucy kissing hurts this much. Why it feels like their chest is caving. Why there are tears stinging their eyes.

Alex bites down hard on their lip, trying in vain to hold in the strangled sound of pain, and tries to understand.

Tries to understand, because they thought Maggie liked them.

Not Lucy.

There are envy and anguish growing inside them and Alex isn't sure what to do.

It hurts.

Alex thinks back. They have feelings for Maggie, but they were wrong in thinking Maggie liked them back.

Maggie didn't spend the day with Alex. Maggie spent the day with Lucy and Alex happened to be there.

Maggie threw helpless smiles at Alex whenever Lucy said something ridiculous or endearing.

Lucy and Maggie spent the afternoon laughing and flirting and teasing each other.

And then they spent the evening together, went out to go and enjoy themselves and have fun, away from the dark cloud hanging over the crew. They wanted some private time together, where they could sit and drink and flirt.

And kiss in hallways, dripping with rain in the middle of the night.

Hours earlier Alex felt something they'd never really experienced before, a childlike and giddy feeling they couldn't explain. Couldn't explain, but knew they could feel in the warmth and excitement growing inside them, like a good kind of secret.

Alex has carried so many secrets, so many hidden truths that weighed them down, that made them feel heavy and foreign to everything around them. Made them try to hide behind a mask, to pretend to be what everyone expected of them.

Realising they liked Maggie had left Alex feeling like all the heaviness was gone, left them feeling lighter than they've ever felt before.

And now everything is crashing down, clawing and dragging Alex down, and at the centre of it is Alex's closest friend.

They try to rationalise that it isn't Lucy's fault but that doesn't stop the pain and envy from swelling.

Alex's heart hurts.

Everything hurts.

They can't sleep now. The pain is too strong and the tears are still in their eyes. Alex leaves their quarters and quietly relieves the crewmember on deck standing watch. And then Alex paces the deck, ignoring the rain.

Ignoring how it numbs their body.

Ignoring how it mixes with the tears.


	5. La Rochelle, France

Alex paces the deck the rest of the night.

By dawn, the rain has stopped and the sky is misty and grey. The rain is finally over and they can get on with their journey around France.

The pacing has not left Alex's head clear. It's left them feeling foggy, like the weather. And their body is tired and weary. But it's morning now and the ship needs to cast off, so there's no time to listen to what their body needs.

The crew are eager as they wake and arrive on deck and begin to prepare the ship for leaving the sky harbour. Alex feels like a ghost, drifting between them, giving commands but not feeling wholly present, not feeling wholly aware. They feel absent, removed.

They're standing on the upper deck at the forward stern rail, the one that looks towards the bow and allows Alex to look down at the crew on deck before them. The metal rail is cold and water drops still cling to it. Alex hardly notices.

Alex is trying to figure out at what point this all went downhill. At what point did they start to feel something different for Maggie? It feels like something slow and gradual, that Maggie first stepped on deck as the new greenhorn and slowly transformed into something more, into someone who eased her way into Alex's presence, behind their resolve.

But is that true? Or was Alex doomed from the beginning? Was Alex gone the first time Maggie smiled, eyes wide and dimples flashing, in the market in Lisbon and Alex is only just realizing it now?

And how does Lucy fit into all this? Was Alex too distracted with their own interactions with Maggie to notice Maggie and Lucy growing closer?

They know they shouldn't be envious. But they are. And it hurts.

And this is where Lucy finds Alex; she's squinting in the grey light and wearing a happy glow as she approaches. "Morning."

Alex nods but doesn't say anything. They try not to look right at Lucy.

"The rain finally stopped. It was awful last night." She runs a hand through her messy locks. "It'll be nice to be airborne again."

Alex makes a noncommittal sound.

"Hey," Lucy says thoughtfully. "You okay? You look tired."

She says it so softly but it still grates Alex the wrong way, her words dragging across their skin.

They cannot handle this, not coming from Lucy, not right now, so they say, "I'm fine," but it comes out a little harder and it comes out a little louder than they intended it to.

Lucy takes a large step backwards, giving Alex space and holding her arms up in submission as her face frowns with confusion, with concern. She tries again, "Alex, are you okay? Did something happen?"

" _I'm fine_ ," they snap, blowing out sharply through their nose. They are trying not to focus on Lucy. Lucy, who has not yet had the time to change, who is wearing last night's red, red corset and her hair is dishevelled and her eyes are narrowed against the dim morning sunlight like she's just rolled out of bed and it's obvious what happened last night.

She could have at least had the decency to change, to clean herself up first. She can't have been that excited the rain had stopped.

(It shouldn't hurt this much.)

Lucy shakes her head and lets out a shaky breath. "I'm not awake enough for this right now," she says, more to herself than to Alex. "Come and find me when you want to talk." And she saunters off.

Roaming Star casts off early that morning, everyone happy the rain has finally let up and anxious to be back in the sky. Alex moves around the deck, going through the motions of checking in and calling orders, giving the presence of Captain but not genuinely feeling it.

Once they are in the air, the ship secure in its route, Alex goes below deck.

They slip into the mess, feeling aimless but knowing they should probably eat something.

M'gann takes one look at Alex and is immediately stepping out from behind the serving counter, saying, "What's wrong?" She reaches forward, taking Alex's hands, and hisses at the touch.

M'gann's hands feel warm, hot even, but it's only because Alex's skin is so cold.

"Alex?" Her voice is worried. "Al, hey, what happened?"

Alex shifts their head to and fro slightly, not quite a shake, more of a half-movement, a quiver. Alex isn't sure what they are trying to communicate to her but M'gann seems to understand anyway. She tightens her hold on Alex's hands slightly, gently coaxing them behind the counter and into the galley. It's small and cramped, more of a hallway than a room with high cupboards of storage and cooking mech.

M'gann lets Alex pull out of her hold and lean against one of the cupboards, arms hanging loose at their sides. She watches Alex with a concerned expression but doesn't try to crowd them in the small space.

"Al. Al, honey, what can I do?"

Alex sucks in a breath, feeling numb all over. "I don't..."

M'gann frowns.  "How long have you been out in the rain?"

"All night." They aren't looking at M'gann as they answer; they're not really seeing anything.

"What happened?"

Alex doesn't say anything.

"Okay. Are you injured?"

"No."

"What do you need?"

"A drink."

Alex blinks, catches M'gann shaking her head. "Al, the sun's hardly been up an hour."

Alex doesn't say anything.

M'gann moves forward and into Alex's space. Not touching, but forcing Alex to make eye contact. "Tell you what, let me get some food in you first, and then we can consider getting you something stronger. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

M'gann manages to get warm food and even warmer coffee into Alex's system and their body starts to feel better. M'gann doesn't hover, she leaves Alex some time to themself. But Alex can tell M'gann is keeping an eye on them from where she's preparing food a few feet away. Alex picks at the last of their meal but doesn't flag M'gann down for a drink.

Not yet, anyway.

They fiddle with their fork, still lost in thought.

Lucy is Alex's closest friend, that's why this is so confusing and painful.

Kara is the most important thing in Alex's life. For Alex, Kara's wellbeing, Kara's happiness, comes above everything else. Their world has always revolved around Kara, not because of obligation, but because of love.

J'onn has always been there for Alex. He's looked out for Alex for the past decade, always right next to Alex as they sailed the sky. He's taken care of Alex the way Alex takes care of Kara. J'onn is a father to them. Alex's father left a long time ago and J'onn has eased himself into the void Jeremiah left. Always supportive and always there.

But Lucy is Alex's closest friend. There is a different kind of love between them, a kinship that grew into the strongest of bonds. Lucy and Alex chose each other, they grabbed hold and never let go. That's why this hurts so much.

They may compete, may challenge each other, may dance on each other's nerves, but Alex trusts Lucy with their life. Lucy accepted who Alex was, point blank, from day one. No questions, no hesitations.

And beyond that she encourages Alex. Lucy was the one to first suggest Alex bind their chest. She's been the one to help Alex find clothes they feel most comfortable in.

And when something triggers Alex into a spiral of black panic Lucy is there and Lucy _knows._ She knows exactly what Alex needs, what to do. She has an effortless confidence that helps ease the pain, that helps to keep Alex grounded.

And now Alex's world has been uprooted and they can't turn to Lucy to help them find their footing.

It's a mess and it hurts and Alex sees no obvious solution.

Alex notices right away when Maggie enters the room, grabbing some food from M'gann and making a beeline for Alex. She settles in the seat right across from them, looking tired but cheerful.

"I see we're back in the sky again. You must be pleased about that."

Maggie's eyes are just eyes, Alex knows this. But to Alex, Maggie's eyes shine with a light and a depth that makes Alex's heart squeeze. Her eyes are soft and expressive and the very centre of her smile.

"Yeah, I, I guess."

Maggie scoffs. "You alright, Captain? I could have sworn you couldn't wait to take off."

"Just have my mind on something."

"Anything I can help with?" She says it easily, like she knows Alex will probably say no, but wants to offer anyway.

( _Tell me what this means. Tell me it's always been Lucy, that I was wrong. Tell me how to forget this.)_

"No," they say. "Just… Captain things."

Maggie accepts this and doesn't press for more. She changes topics. "How long to La Rochelle?"

Alex eases into talk of the voyage, allowing Maggie's question to distract them from the confusion and hurt swirling inside their head. "Two days. If the weather doesn't turn against us we might be able to shave off an hour or two, but we still have to sail around Brittany."

"Why don't you sail over land? Skyships in general, I mean. You follow the coast or sail further out to sea. But wouldn't it be faster to sail over land the way the crow flies?"

Alex contemplates how to best answer this, clinging to the distraction. "A number of reasons. The first is tradition, actually."

"What? Because people sail over water, so do you?" She looks sceptical.

Alex smirks. "Skyman's Guild was formed from the Fisherman's Guild, so a lot of the traditions and tendencies were retained. A bunch of grumpy, old men; they already knew the sea and routes to navigate it, why change that?"

"Okay," Maggie teases, "But you are much nicer looking than a grumpy, old man."

Alex feels their cheeks pink and tries to ignore it. It's this, Maggie's casual teasing, that has gotten Alex into this mess. They need to try and ignore it, to not let Maggie draw them in any further. "Safety; if you go overboard, all of our precautions are based off hitting water. The altitude gauge on the lifepacks pops automatically at a certain height above sea level. That wouldn't work over land."

"Because you could risk hitting a mountain, or being over a valley?"

"Exactly."

"Seems like a cheap excuse."

Alex shrugs, "Air is different over land too, you can feel it in the sails and in the turbines. There are different, smaller craft designed to fly over land, hopping from coast to coast, but steam engines are designed to go over land much better than we are. Plus," Alex points at Maggie with their fork, "where would you dock?"

Maggie ponders and then says, "Over a city?"

"But how? Cities aren't always built around bodies of water, which we need for pumping ballast. And skyships aren't designed to take off from the ground. We dock a hundred feet above the water harbour because it's easier, but we can dock in water."

"You're pulling my leg."

"Maggie, how would we ever get into the air if we couldn't take off from somewhere?"

They're teasing Maggie and they know they shouldn't, not now, but it comes out naturally and Alex can't stop the words.

"Alex," Maggie teases right back and Alex melts at how Maggie says their name. "I've lived in a fishing town my whole life and I've never seen a skyship take off from water before."

"Guess your town was too small, then. We don't do it often, usually only if we need to do serious repairs. It's inconvenient for the water harbour, us taking off and jostling all the groundships. But it happens."

Maggie shakes her head. "I won't believe it until I see it."

"Well, thank you, now we're marked for curse."

Maggie mocks insult. "Are you saying that if we do have to dock in the water anytime soon, it will be my fault?"

The banter comes so easily.

Alex should be trying to end this, should stop revelling in Maggie's attention. But they enjoy Maggie's smile too much.

Their tongue pokes between their teeth as they shrug, smiling and saying, "I guess time will tell."

Lucy enters the room and Alex feels the happiness start to fracture. They work to keep their breathing easy as they watch Lucy approach. Alex tries to remember Lucy that is their best friend, that none of this is Lucy's fault. It's Alex's for developing feelings for a crewmate.

Alex schools their features, not wanting either Lucy or Maggie to see their apprehension.

Lucy wanders over to them and stops behind Maggie's chair. She leans down, arms on Maggie's shoulders, face close to Maggie's and voice sweet as she asks, "How're you feeling?"

Maggie chuckles, "Probably better than you."

"Nonsense."

"I think we both know who came out on top last night."

"You're dreaming, Mags."

Alex looks away, trying to ignore the private moment they have.

Trying to push down the small flare of envy.

They can do this. They can ignore this. These feelings they have for Maggie, they're new. They aren't solid or tangible yet. They're still new enough that Alex is confident that they will go away if they push hard enough.

Alex is the Captain. They don't have time for this sort of thing anyway.

Lucy deserves to have fun. Lucy loves people, Lucy loves to love people, Lucy is good at loving people. Lucy can make Maggie happy.

Alex wouldn't even know where to start so this is probably for the best. Alex is sullen and tense and tries not to interact with people outside the crew as a general rule. Alex makes it a point not to let people get to know them because it never turns out right and usually results in the blackness of pain welling up.

Which is when Lucy, and Kara, always know what to do and how to help.

"Alex."

They blink and look back. Maggie is calling their name.

Lucy is still leaning with her forearms on Maggie's shoulders, face right next to Maggie's, cheeks almost touching. They're both looking carefully at Alex. Maggie looks concerned, Lucy looks hesitant.

"I said," Lucy starts once Alex is looking back at the two of them, "Are you ready to tell me what's going on with you? You seemed off earlier."

Alex forces out a smile and convinces themself that it wasn't that hard to do so. "I'm fine, Luce. Just tired. Glad to be back in the sky again."

Lucy does not at all look convinced. She bites her lip but doesn't press for more. Instead she just sighs and says, "If you say so, Alex."

* * *

Twilight is descending as Alex drops heavily into their chair.

Their shoulder aches and they think they've pulled a muscle in their leg. Alex has been going hard for the last two days; since Roaming Star left Le Havre they've been throwing themself into sailing and Captaining. There's always things to do on the ship, always things in need of minor repair, always ways to improve. And after being stuck in the sky harbour for two days, the fresh air is invigorating.

Also, they've been working hard to ignore the uncomfortable feeling in their chest every time they see Maggie and Lucy together, which seems to be more and more often as of late.

Their first day back in the sky it felt like a misty fog clung to the ship the entire day. The rain had passed and skyships don't fly high enough to sail through clouds, so that wasn't it. But it still felt like a chilly dampness clung to Alex wherever they went on deck.

After eating with, and lying to, Maggie and Lucy that morning, Alex left to spend time working below with Clark and Kara in the bridge, reviewing and tracing safe routes and destination options after the disaster in London sky harbour.

They left Lucy in command of the deck and in charge of Maggie's training for the day, opting to stay below deck and avoid them both. There was plenty to do with Clark and their sister, and not only was Lucy perfectly capable of training greenhorns, but Maggie's skills were improving by the day and she no longer needed Alex's constant supervision and teachings.

And it is for the best if Alex leaves the two of them alone.

Alex is still drawn to Maggie - they still want to learn and understand her, still want to be around her and enjoy her attention.

But Alex knows they need to hold back now, to try and put some distance between themself and Maggie. Both because they are the Captain, and because of Lucy.

Kara is closer than blood to Alex and J'onn and Winn are family too. But Lucy is their best friend. Lucy has been there to help Alex through so much over the last few years. She was there when Alex was still newly Captain and unsure of their footing before the crew, always offering support and quiet reassurance.

She was there to help Alex learn to express themself in a way that truly made them feel comfortable in their own skin, giving casual suggestions of binding like it wasn't something so scary it left Alex shaking to think about the first time.

She's there when Alex gets hotheaded or reckless, never afraid to challenge them when it's warranted.

And she's there when the blackness comes roaring up because other Captains, other Guild members, other people, only see what they want to see of Alex. Lucy is there because Lucy knows and Lucy understands and Lucy loves.

But Lucy loves so many people.

She loves Alex in a different way, a way that means they will be friends for a long time, that she will still be there for Alex long after she's found her own ship to Captain.

But at her core and in her heart, Lucy loves.

And that's the problem.

Lucy knows how to love. Lucy has so much love to give, and Alex doesn't. Alex has never enjoyed being intimate with people, has never felt connected enough to want to pursue relationships the way Lucy does.

So as much as it hurts Alex knows it's probably better to distance themself from Maggie and Lucy. They know Lucy would be able to give Maggie so much more than they could. So it makes their heart ache, but they push for Lucy to train Maggie and give Lucy and Maggie time to be together, claiming they are needed below in the bridge for the day instead.

* * *

Coming into the mess that evening, Alex can see Winn and Lucy sitting together and having a hushed but hurried conversation. Lucy looks up when Alex enters, and she looks like a startled hare, seconds away from bolting.

Alex frowns and watches as Lucy quickly drops her head and continues whispering to Winn. Turning away, Alex goes to get their food from M'gann, and by the time they turn back, Lucy is slipping away and Winn is calling Alex over to join him.

They're tense, unsure exactly what's just transpired, but Alex sits down across from Winn.

"So," Winn opens with nonchalantly while Alex starts eating. "What are our options?"

"After we drop Lena in France? Kara wants to go north again, towards Hamburg or Gothenburg. There's always work on the Baltic Sea. And it's removed enough from London, in case there's still trouble there. There haven't been any major hits from Bloody Steed in that region for at least a month."

Winn frowns. "But we'd have to pass London to go that way."

Alex sighs. "I know."

Winn bobs his head and contemplates this. "And Clark?"

"He suggested Spain or Portugal again," Alex answers, shifting in their seat. "He thinks Ferrol or back towards Lisbon. Maybe do a few runs south to Tangier; I know Lucy has a few debts in Morocco she wants to collect on."

"Well, I'm not going to complain about warmer weather," Winn laughs. "What do you want to do?"

Alex hesitates, going over their decision in their head before answering. "Ferrol. It's not as large of a port, but we can still pick up work. But I'm... I'm not sure yet about afterwards, going north or south. But I think Ferrol is a good plan for now. I'd like to see how their harbour is reacting to the news from London and then use that to gauge our next move."

"Le Havre was pretty tense," Winn agrees, finishing off his own food. "But they are right across the Channel."

"Exactly my thoughts. Ferrol is further away from London. If they're rattled too from the attack then we may need to reconsider. But France might be tense simply because the harbour attack was so close to home."

Winn tries for casual, glancing around the room instead of looking directly at Alex as he says, "And you guys took all day to debate this?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Oh, uh, no reason."

Alex huffs and lays down their fork. "What is it, Winn?"

"Nothing, it's nothing," he rushes out. "It's just that you've been a little hard to reach today."

Alex misreads him, thinking there was trouble on deck when they weren't there. "Did something happen?"

He looks nervously at them but his concern is clear when he says boldly, "That's what I'm asking you."

Of course. That's what he and Lucy were talking about.

"I'm fine," they reply breezily and go back to eating their meal.

Alex can feel Winn studying them.

"Knock it off," they say, swatting at him from across the table. "You can't stare at people like that anymore, not with your bad eye. The evil eye makes people uncomfortable."

Winn laughs. "My bad eye sees all." He goes on more seriously, "And it can see when you're lying, Alex."

Alex glares.

"Did you want to talk about it?" he offers gently.

Alex softens at this; he isn't trying to press them. He just cares about them. "No, not really."

"Alright," Winn says easily, standing up and taking his empty tray. "But Alex," he looks at them earnestly. "I'm here if you need me."

Alex hides away in their quarters for the rest of the night.

* * *

Their second day after being stuck in Le Havre, Alex left Maggie with James for the day to learn about the turbines, the engines, and all the mech that fell between. James is the Engineer because he knows the mechanics of the ship inside and out but Alex still wants Maggie to be trained.

The more everyone on board knows about the ship, the better understanding they have of its needs and how to fly it.

With Maggie busy with James, Alex was able to throw themself into working on deck, trying to avoid Lucy without making it outwardly apparent they were doing so.

The breakfast the day before was the last real conversation Alex had with either Lucy or Maggie.

They sit now in their cabin, sore from the day's work of overcompensating for spending so much of the day before below deck, reading Lois' article about Bailiff's terrible end. They've read it multiple times in the past week, and each time it gets harder. Each time it becomes more real.

Bailiff was a bigger ship than Roaming Star. The Captain was not terribly friendly with Alex, but he was a good man and was never intentionally rude. If he couldn't lead his ship out of danger, then it didn't look well for the rest of the ships sailing the skies.

There's a knock on their cabin door.

"It's open."

The door opens and Maggie stands on the threshold. She smiles warmly at Alex. "Hey, you have a minute?"

Alex bites their lip but nods. "Yeah, sure." Maggie was bound to come and find them eventually.

She leans against the doorframe. "I wondered if you could settle a debate between James and me."

She asks something mech related, asks a question about the turbines, but Alex isn't listening. They see Maggie's warm smile and suddenly they're replaying the kiss in their head, replaying Maggie's hands dragging Lucy's hips closer and Lucy's fingers tangling in Maggie's hair.

"Alex?"

"Sorry, Maggie," they say tiredly. "What did you need?"

Maggie starts to repeat her question but then changes her mind. "Are you okay, Alex? You've been a little distant since we left Le Havre."

"Just tense," Alex says. They gesture to the newsprint in front of them. "Worried about all the attacks that have been happening. Always have to be thinking of the crew's safety."

"No, it's not that. You've been... never mind."

"I've been what?" They don't snap at Maggie, not exactly, but the words come out harshly. They try again, forcing their voice to be softer this time. "I've been what?"

(They've been wishing it was themself instead of Lucy.)

(They've been wishing they weren't angry with Lucy.)

Maggie's face pinches as she contemplates how to answer. "You've been standoffish towards some of the crew," she says carefully. "Is everything okay?"

(No.)

Alex sighs. "Everything's fine, Maggie."

Maggie chews her lip like she doesn't believe them.

"Look, I'm a little busy right now." They nod towards the papers in front of them. A clear dismissal.

Maggie sighs. "Right, sure." Her eyes look over Alex once, face dropping into a frown, and then she turns away.

Alex is about to let out a sigh of relief but then Maggie looks back. "Yeah, no, see, that's what I'm talking about."

"What?"

"Can I come in?"

If Alex lets Maggie in, it will mean opening themself up to a conversation they don't want to have.

If Alex lets Maggie in, they will have to lie to her.

But her brown eyes look sad and worried and Alex gives in because Alex finds it's hard to say no to Maggie. They shrug and motion with their hands, allowing Maggie into their private space. Alex turns in their chair to face Maggie where she sits down on the edge of the bed.

"That, that right there," Maggie begins. "You're just... shrugging everyone off. I get that you don't know me that well and maybe don't want to talk to me about what's bothering you." Her face betrays her regret at admitting this, but she manages a lopsided smile. "But Lucy, M'gann, and Winn have all tried and..."

The fact that Maggie _knows_ all three have tried talking to Alex should mean something to Alex, but they're just too tired right now.

Alex prompts, "And what?" when Maggie trails off.

"I'm just confused." Maggie watches Alex carefully as she speaks, reading them in a way that makes Alex both want to squirm and yearn for a deeper connection. "We're all confused because something has changed with you."

They want a deeper connection with Maggie but they can't have one.

Lucy is their best friend. And it hurts but they won't stand in the way of this. They respect and care about Lucy too much to do that.

So it aches but they say with a chilly voice, "I don't want to talk about this."

Maggie blinks and processes their words, processes their delivery. She looks upset but still presses on. "I hear you, Alex. I do. And you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. But if there is something wrong it might help to get it off your chest. You aren't just the Captain-"

"I'm always the Captain first, Maggie," Alex interrupts. "That responsibility comes before anything else. I have a duty to keep everyone safe."

"You're also their friend," Maggie says. "Everyone here cares for you, Alex."

They can't really understand why Maggie is the one trying to have this conversation with them. Lucy and M'gann and Winn - who have all come to Alex over the past two days - they know Alex. There is a closeness there, a connection between them. If Alex wasn't willing to open up to any of them, what makes Maggie thinks she'll have any better luck?

It stings that Maggie is coming to them, that there is a connection forming between them that Alex does not want. If Alex lets this friendship grow it will only become more painful each time they see Lucy and Maggie together. It's better to force her away now.

So Alex latches on to the only thing they can. That Maggie has not opened up to Alex about anything deeply personal in the week and a half she's been on board Roaming Star.

(With any other Greenhorn it wouldn't matter. With any other Greenhorn Alex would let it go. No questions asked. But there's something between themself and Maggie, something that makes Alex keep opening up to her. And Maggie isn't reciprocating.)

"You?" they ask. "You want me to open up?"

"Yeah, I-"

"That's kind of hypocritical, don't you think?"

With Alex's cold and defensive tone a wall goes up behind Maggie's eyes; she knows exactly want Alex is talking about.

"I've opened up to you how many times, now?" Alex goes on, voice cool and detached. "And now you think you're the expert on me?"

"Alex," Maggie tries softly.

"No, really. You think you're the expert on me, don't you?"

"I thought we were friends. I thought there was-" she stops and shakes her head at herself. She sighs heavily instead of going on with her words.

"I hardly know anything about you, Maggie," Alex reasons. "You know about my sister, about my relationship with Max, about my life and my childhood. But I can't say I know as much about you. Doesn't seem like much of a friendship to me."

Maggie stays quiet for a few beats, her face carefully blank as she organises her thoughts. She crosses her arms over her chest, further strengthening the wall she's placing between herself and Alex. "You're comfortable opening up to people - or I thought you were. Me? Bad things have happened; I move on. I put on a smile and a brave face because sometimes it's easier to give people hope and reassurance than to give them a reason to pity you."

Before Alex can stop themself they say, "So, you pity me?"

Maggie leans forward and lets her hands drop to squeeze her knees as she rushes to get her words out. "No, no, that's not what I meant. I was talking about me. I don't pity you, Alex."

Alex asks the one question they hope will end this, the one question that will reveal enough about Maggie for Alex to understand her and then be able to move on. To move on and not hold onto what they thought was blooming, and instead let their best friend have her happiness.

"Why did my father tell you to seek me out?"

Maggie's eyes widen with her surprise. "I... I didn't know he was your father."

Alex stares at Maggie steadily, waiting. Waiting for Maggie to either open up or lock them out completely.

The second option would probably make it easier to get over their feelings for Maggie.

But nothing is ever that easy.

"I told you we didn't have a lot of money," Maggie starts. "We got by, but our life wasn't easy. My sisters were married off to bring money into the family. I didn't," she shakes her head. "I didn't want to be married off and I made it abundantly clear. For a time, my parents humoured me. I spent most of my time on the ships casting and reeling in the nets, gutting and skinning and selling the fish. Working; I was a working woman, just as strong as the men on the ships. I wasn't desired by any of the men in the village." She smirks, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "May have done that on purpose."

Her voice is flat as she speaks, and Alex realizes this isn't what they want. They want Maggie to offer her hardships and pain, to share them with Alex because she wants to. Not to stiffly toss them in Alex's face, her features devoid of emotion, because Alex has demanded it of her.

"I'd made myself a burden to my family; I was twenty-seven and with no prospects. So when times got hard they decided to marry me off anyway to bring some money back into the family. I knew that I, that I should accept it," Maggie reasons, shaking her head. "But I was being tied down in a way I didn't like, an arranged marriage that I didn't want. So I... in a way I, I sabotaged the engagement." She gives an empty laugh. "Saying my parents asked me to leave is putting it nicely."

Maggie doesn't look away from Alex as she speaks. Her body holds a tension. It is clear that Maggie does not like to talk about herself, does not want to talk about herself. But she's opening up to Alex anyway and her eyes are damp but focused. She goes on, "I met Jeremiah in a pub my first night in Lisbon, about a week before you docked there. We got to talking. I guess... I guess he saw something in me. He told me that if I needed to get away that he knew someone that could help. Someone who wouldn't judge me for wanting the opposite of being betrothed to a _man_ ," she emphasises.

Alex lets out a slow, shaky breath, but they nod their understanding.

It is at this point that Maggie glances away, that she breaks eye contact. She's reached her limit of how much she is comfortable revealing. Instead, she takes a few deep breaths to steady herself. Once she's pushed her emotions, her pain, aside, she focuses back on her original purpose. "I'm not saying that you need to talk to me, Alex."

Alex opens their mouth, but Maggie continues before they can speak. "I'll listen, of course, I will if you want to talk to me about what's bothering you. But if you don't want to talk to me, I think you should talk to someone else." She hesitates and then says very carefully, like she's unsure what sort of reaction her words will provoke. "Lucy's worried about you."

"I'm pretty sure," Alex scoffs harshly, "that Lucy has other things on her mind right now."

Maggie quirks her head to the side and her brows draw together like she's cataloguing Alex's response. Like she's committing the words to memory to relay them to Lucy later.

Alex breathes out sharply and looks away, glowering at the wall.

"Whatever is bothering you, it's starting to show. You've been cold to everyone lately."

Alex still looks away.

"Alex," Maggie pleads, but Alex refuses to look back at her. "Does this, does this have to do with what happened in Rotterdam, with Max?"

Alex sighs quietly. "No," they say honestly.

There is a heavy silence. They can feel Maggie's eyes as she studies them and weighs their answer.

They've had enough of Maggie's concern, enough of Maggie's caring and compassion that is making it harder for Alex to forget their feelings. They've had enough of this conversation, so they ask Maggie to leave.

And this time she does, without looking back.

* * *

Roaming Star arrives in France by late morning. Lena only stays on deck for a short while; once the unloading is underway she departs to find a means of transporting her cargo to her final destination.

She bids Alex farewell, paying them the last of the agreed upon coin.

Alex wishes Lena luck and finds themself offering Lena a standing invitation for passage again in the future.

(She pays well; she pays _considerably_ well. Alex isn't going to let Lena's reputation get in the way business.)

It's early in the afternoon when they depart from La Rochelle, Clark on an easy bearing for Ferrol.

Alex goes in search of their sister; Kara seemed to get on easily with Lena and Alex wants to see that she's doing okay now that she's gone.

Alex knocks on the navigation room door and they can hear Kara's voice inside so they enter without pause.

Kara is pacing the room with a pillow clutched in her hands. Her face looks worried but the minute she spots her sibling the look morphs into one that is fierce and protective in a way Alex hasn't seen Kara wear before.

"Alex!"

"Kara, what-"

"Captain."

Alex jolts, noticing Lena sitting on the cot, wringing her hands and smiling falsely. Her eyes are wide and she looks distraught.

Alex looks over their shoulder into the small passageway and then back into the room, eyes narrowing at Lena as they step inside and close the hatch behind them. "Miss Luthor. What are you doing on board my ship?"

"Alex."

"Kara, we left France two hours ago. What is she doing here?"

Kara takes a step between Lena and Alex, but Lena stands and places a hand on Kara's shoulder. Alex watches as Lena squeezes and Kara's tension eases.

"Forgive me, Captain, I felt there was nowhere else I could go."

"Alex, she's in danger."

Alex looks slowly between Lena and Kara. Their voice darkens as they ask, "You had us unload your cargo, and then you stowed away on my ship?"

"I apologize for not seeking you out first, Captain," Lena says, always careful, always formal. "You were casting off and I... well, I wasn't sure you'd take me back, given your crew's hostility towards me, towards my name."

Alex turns to Kara, eyebrows raised, "You snuck her on board?"

Kara squeezes the pillow in her hands harder and Lena's thumb rubs circles on Kara's shoulder. "Alex she's in danger, we had to, we couldn't, it was all so, I just, I didn't, her brother is trying to kill her!" her words tumble out.

Alex blinks and then takes a slow step towards their sister. Lena looks shaken - and Lena does not normally look like someone who gets shaken easily. She looks like someone who stands her ground with determination. But right now, Lena looks shaken and Kara looks worked up, caught between wanting to help her friend and lying to Alex.

"Kara, I'm not mad at you," Alex says. "But I would like an explanation." They coax Kara to sit down at one of the chairs, hands feather light on her shoulders, and drags the other chair close so they can sit next to her. They nod at Lena to sit back down on the cot. She does so tensely, eyes flickering back and forth between Alex and Kara.

"You're not mad?" Kara confirms.

"I'm not mad."

"But I snuck her onto the ship."

"It's not the first time someone's stowed away, and I doubt it will be the last. And I know your heart must have been in the right place, Kara. But now that she's here," Alex looks to Lena, "I need to know what's going on."

Lena nods, her face tense. "I was scheduled to be on Bailiff when it went down," she starts. "I had _been_ on it, days before, but when we stopped over in Malta I wanted to spend some more time on the island, so I didn't re-board. I had arranged with the Captain for him to pick me up again in a few days time. My being on Bailiff was common knowledge, my being off board was not. I was supposed to be onboard when the ship was attacked."

Alex processes this but knows there must be more because that isn't reason enough for Kara and Lena to think Lex Luthor is trying to kill her, his own sister.

"And then London. Lena. Lena, tell her about London."

Lena doesn't look at Kara; she keeps steady eye contact with Alex, conveying truthfulness as she says, "It was a hunch. I made sure it was public knowledge when I would be leaving London. And then I took haste to leave a day earlier, without telling anyone."

"You knew how long it would take us to reach London from Lisbon?"

"Naturally. You are the fastest, that was why I commissioned you."

"And that was why you were on the docks, ready to leave, the moment we arrived?"

"Yes, I wanted to slip out unannounced. The morning of the attack on the London docks, that was the morning I was scheduled to be leaving. That was when I was scheduled to be in the harbour having my cargo loaded. Had we not left the day before, I..."

"She would have been killed," Kara jumps in, still flustered, still jittery. "Alex, Lena and I have been going over the maps. For all of the places Bloody Steed has hit over the past six months, Lena's been there or was supposed to be there. She's the pattern. And then today. She ducked back on board as we were getting ready to leave, asked me, asked me to hide her," Kara's words slip from her lips faster and faster as she grows more emotional. "She said they burned her home, that they're trying to kill her, Alex, I had to help her. I know I should have asked you but I didn't know if you'd say yes but she was in danger so I had to do something and I-"

"Kara," Alex hushes, leaning forward and placing their hands over Kara's, flexing their fingers over Kara's clawing ones. "Kara, I'm not mad at you. You did what you thought was right."

"You should be mad at me," she snaps, voice fluttery, body fluttery. "You're the Captain and I disobeyed you and you shouldn't treat me different just because I'm your sister."

Alex smiles. "Do you want me to be mad at you, or do you want me to not be mad so that I can help?"

"No, both, I don't," her voice catches, "I don't know." She waves her hands helplessly as her eyes start welling with tears.

"Okay, okay," Alex says, standing and pouring Kara some water from the pitcher on the table. They turn back and Lena has pulled Kara to sit on the cot next to her, one arm wrapped around Kara's shoulders and the other squeezing Kara's knee.

"You're okay, Kara," Lena soothes. "Alex isn't mad at you. Maybe... maybe a little mad at me, but not at you. You're too sweet and earnest to be mad at."

There is a very small but very sharp catch in Alex's chest, seeing someone other than themself able to gentle Kara when she's upset, when her empathy grows too much for her.

(Nothing feels right on this ship anymore.)

Alex sits back down in their chair and watches as Kara presses her face in the pillow for a moment, hiding her tears. Then she pulls it back down and accepts the glass of water. "I'm sorry."

Lena says, "You don't need to be sorry, darling," as Alex says, "You never have to be sorry, Kara."

And Alex wants to come back to this, to talk to Kara about this, about her and Lena. Because Kara makes friends easily, Kara attaches herself to people and pulls them into her life naturally, but there's always tension under the surface. She's always nervous to overdo things in front of others, ashamed to let them see her when her emotions, when her awareness, overwhelms her.

Yet Alex can see Kara lean into Lena's body, into her words. Kara never hesitates to bury herself in Alex's soothing presence and touch when the world becomes too much, and this looks a lot like that to Alex.

There may not be something there in the way there is something there between Lucy and Maggie, but there is a quiet gentleness between Kara and Lena that Alex is curious about.

But now isn't the time.

Once Kara is calm Alex says, "I'm not going to throw Lena off the side of the ship simply because she snuck onboard." They keep their voice firm - steady, but not demanding. "But I do need to know what is going on in order to help if you don't want me to dump her when we make land in Ferrol."

Kara nods sheepishly and Alex looks at Lena and says, "What happened in France?"

Lena squeezes Kara's knee once and then looks at Alex steadily as she begins, "Your crew was still unloading, but I wanted to see to the preparations for the arrival of my belongings. I haven't been to the family home in France for some years, so I wasn't sure what to expect. My home was... on fire." She keeps her tone light, but Alex can feel Lena's tension in how her words are clipped and choppy.

Alex tilts their head in question, in surprise.

"There were men gathered outside and carrying a number of things from inside the house. It was clear that they had ransacked and robbed the estate, and then had set the fire to cover up their offence. The flames were still small but the men were well-adorned in steam weaponry. They wore my brother's colours and I knew what they were after. I determined it was in my best interests not to let them see me."

Alex frowns at this. "You don't care about your property enough to alert the authorities? The fire department?"

Lena doesn't hesitate and Alex can see the seriousness in the way she holds herself as she speaks. "I value my own life over a house I have not set foot in, in years, Captain. I took haste to get back to the docks. In the chaos of unloading the last of my cargo I was able to slip back on deck. Your Cargomaster noticed me arrive but I assume I was simply perceived as supervising the unloading the last of my crates."

Alex can see how that is probably true but they will still have a talk with Vasquez about this afterwards.

"I came to Kara first," Lena says, watching Alex's reaction, "because I knew she would be able to help. That she would listen to what I had to say and wouldn't judge me. Unfortunately, Captain, your crew had cast off before..." Lena trails off a moment, glancing at Kara. "Before I had finished explaining to your sister what I had witnessed. And then we turned again to the maps and everything came together."

Kara nods earnestly. "We wanted to be sure, before we came to you, Alex."

Alex sighs heavily. "And what did you find, Miss Luthor? What is it you aren't telling me?" Alex tries hard to keep the tension out of their voice for Kara's sake. "Your home in France I understand. But you being the target of the London attacks and the attack off Malta? Those seem like a large stretch to me."

"No, Alex," Kara says quietly and gestures towards the maps. "There's more. Lex really is trying to kill her."

Alex looks down at the coloured pins stuck into their sister's maps. "The red?" they ask. There are four maps unfurled on the table with numerous others scattered beneath and off to the side. Pieced together they show the coastal areas Roaming Star flies most often; as far north as the Baltics and south to Morocco, west as far as the British Isles and east through the Mediterranean to Turkey.

Lena says, "Places Bloody Steed has hit. Or other attacks still attributed to my brother. Attacks from other ships in his fleet."

"The black?"

"Everywhere Lena's been over the past year," Kara says timidly.

Alex studies the map and it's clear right away what the final colour must mean. "The white," they look up at Lena. "Places you've been that have been hit?"

Lena nods.

Alex lets out a slow breath. There is a lot of white on the map. There are still more red markers than any other, but there are an alarming number of white pins. Enough for Alex to concede that this may not be a coincidence. Enough for Alex to understand what Kara meant when she said Lex was trying to kill his own sister.

"I have not been the target of every one of his hits over the past months," Lena explains. "Not some of the ones over open ocean. But most of the attacks on internal seas of the Mediterranean, and over the Channel, over London; those have all been places I've been or was expected to be."

"Kara, go and get J'onn," Alex grits out.

Kara's eyes go wide and she shakes out of Lena's embrace in her haste, "Alex-"

But Alex's voice is steady and they look at Kara purposefully. They don't like to order their sister to do things but Alex is still the Captain. "Kara, if someone on board this ship is in danger then the conversation will occur with the Master Gunner present."

Kara pouts and frowns at her sibling, but when it's clear Alex isn't going to budge on this, she huffs loudly and leaves the room.

The minute the hatch is closed, Lena says, "You wish to ask me something without her present." It isn't a question.

Alex levels Lena with a hard stare and their voice is like steel when they speak. "Do you pose a threat to my crew?"

"I intend no harm to you or any of your people, Captain," Lena says, and her eyes are open and honest where she holds eye contact with Alex. Then she glances to the side, and when she looks back at Alex, there is a defeated look on her face. "But, yes, I feel that my being here does put you all in danger by proxy."

"You said he is trying to kill you, that you know what he is after. Is there anything you've brought on board this ship that I should know about? That will put my crew at risk for carrying?"

Lena is quiet for a long moment. She stands and her fingers begin to trace over the maps. Alex stands as well, waiting.

She nods. "The plans for something, yes. But not a physical item. Just leafs of paper."

Touching Lena's arm, Alex draws her eyes back to their own. "And how hungry is he for these plans?"

Lena laughs mirthlessly. "I fear now that he is a starved wolf on the trail, Captain. He's been assuming I haven't been carrying them on my person - La Rochelle is not my first property to have been robbed as of late. My home in Ireland, and my family's land in Italy and England. All have been searched, more than once, over the last few months."

Alex is not liking how the picture is coming together, does not like how things are beginning to add up. They say, "It sounds to me like you've been sure of his intentions for some time now."

"I've... had my suspicions. Seeing it all drawn out on Kara's maps, the places I've been overlaid with the places he's hit? That solidified it."

For a long, tense few minutes the two stare each other down. Lena, trying to convey how serious she believes the situation to be, how honest she is being. Alex, weighing just how dangerous Lena is, how much of a threat she poses. Kara cares for her, that much is clear, but Alex is not yet sure how willing they are to put their crew in danger for someone they hardly know.

The stare-down stops when the hatch opens and J'onn and Kara enter.

J'onn hides his surprise well. He has had years of training to keep his mask firmly in place. "Miss Luthor. This is unexpected."

Lena nods respectfully. "Master Gunner."

Alex gestures to the papers on the table, but J'onn watches Alex as they speak. "It would appear Miss Luthor's life is in danger. Lex, he's after her, after something she has. She's been the target of the attacks. Bailiff. London harbour. Her house in France was burning when we arrived."

J'onn chooses his words carefully before speaking. "Ah. Then her stowing away puts us in a precarious situation."

"My thoughts exactly."

He looks at Lena where she stands by the cot with Kara hovering close by. "And where do you intend to go, Miss Luthor? Your brother is a ruthless man. If he's targeted you more than once I highly doubt he won't find you again."

Lena drops a large coin purse onto the table. There is a substantial amount of gold that spills out, and a number of precious stones as well.

J'onn and Alex's eyes widen at the sight. Kara's do not.

There is a tense, drawn-out moment where no one moves.

"That is all I carried with me when I left London."

"You had that much gold on board the entire journey?" J'onn asks. "That is very risky, Miss Luthor. Especially on board a ship you were unfamiliar with."

"Yes. I..." She looks at Alex. Lena's face hovers somewhere between unsure defeat and determined resolve. "I can get more, though. I understand that this is not the same as a commission. How far would that get me?" She nods to the gold on the table.

Alex doesn't look down at the table a second time. They don't need to count it. Their eyes stay locked with Lena's. "To America. And back. More than once."

Lena nods. "Then I should like to contract you to take me to America. To New York."

"Lena..." Kara says, looking anxiously between the other three people in the room.

Alex keeps their features schooled. "You understand this is not an easy decision, Miss Luthor?"

"I do. And I appreciate that your crew's safety is more important to you than money."

Alex turns and looks to J'onn. "What do you think?"

He sighs and shakes his head. "I'm not the Captain, Alex."

"No," they agree. "But I value your opinion, J'onn. I already know what I think. I want to hear your thoughts on this."

He appraises Lena. "I think Miss Luthor is not someone to run from danger." Lena stands taller under his scrutiny. "You strike me as someone who stands her ground and faces trouble head-on. I think with your family, with your reputation, you understand the value of strength of character." He eyes her critically and finishes with, "I don't think you are running from your brother. I think you have a plan."

"I do."

"Then I should like to hear it before a decision is made."

Lena nods once and then looks at Alex. "Captain?"

Alex studies Lena, their eyes sweeping her up and down. Lena is not just a woman of wealth, she is a woman of power, of business. They eye the gold on the table and glance at the maps again.

This is hardly an easy decision.

(But they are the Captain so Alex must always be the one to make the hard decisions.)

"We chose to sail to Ferrol," Alex starts, "because it acts as a tipping point. The seas and the skies are dangerous right now, as you well know. The tip of Spain allows us to decide as a crew if we sail south, into the Mediterranean and near Malta, where Bailiff was taken down. Or north, to the Baltics, where we pass London. We don't know where Lex is, only where he's been. Where he's left a trail of downed skyships in his wake."

Alex takes a slow, calculated step towards Lena, who does not back down. "Lex has an entire fleet working for him so we don't know if he has ships ahead of us; deep into the Atlantic where the pickings are slimmer than the coastal seas. And it's risky, but," they take a slow breath, steeling themself for their own words. "It could be a worthwhile move."

Kara starts in surprise, smiling and opening her mouth to speak. Alex cuts through her excitement, "But I make no decision until I understand the full story. And once I've heard the opinion of those I trust most on board this ship. I would like to know exactly what it is you carry that is so coveted, Miss Luthor."

If Lena is surprised that Alex has agreed, that Alex trusts her, she doesn't show it. But she does offer a rigid smile and gives a nod of appreciation, "Understood, Captain. Though, I may suggest your Engineer be present? To vouch for the seriousness of the plans I carry and why my brother cannot get his hands on them."

Alex watches Lena for a moment longer before looking at J'onn. "I'd like a meeting in the mess. You know who should be present."

J'onn smiles at them like he thinks they've made the right decision, and Alex feels a small weight lift from their shoulders. It's hard to make the tough choices, but J'onn's steady faith in them is always reassuring.

"Aye, Captain," he says and quietly slips from the room.

"You sound mad," Kara says carefully once the door is closed.

Alex runs a hand through their hair and gives their sister a genuine smile. "No, I'm not mad, Kara. Just serious. Your friend is asking us to join a dangerous game of chess."

Lena gives a nervous laugh and says, "For what it is worth, I do appreciate your caution. And that you haven't simply dropped me overboard for sneaking onto the ship."

"My sister trusts you," Alex says, looking back and forth between the two of them. "And I trust her with my life. So for now, that means I hear you out."

"That's all I can ask of you, Captain."

* * *

J'onn gathers them in the mess. He, Winn, James, and Clark are already assembled when Alex enters.

Floating between the mess and the galley, M'gann is in the midst of preparing their dinner and listens in. She is not formally sitting down at the table with them, but she is as much a part of the conversation as they are, her voice is as trusted as the others.

Alex enters, with Kara and Lena in tow, and the boys' eyes all go wide.

Winn is the first who manages to say something. "What is she doing here? Didn't we just drop her off in France?"

M'gann looks up from the vegetables she's deftly slicing to study Lena but doesn't say anything.

"We did," Alex says as they help Kara to carefully spread out some of her maps onto the long table, mindful of the small coloured pins and careful not to rip the paper.

"Snuck back on?" James asks, smiling at Lena.

Lena doesn't answer. instead, she defers to Alex, who says casually, "She did. And now we're going to hear her out. She has some important information that I'd like each of you to hear and to weigh in on."

Alex sits down across from James and Kara sits next to them. The boys occupy the far side of the table, with J'onn sitting at the short edge. Lena hovers at the other end of the table while holding a few rolls of paper in her arms. Alex had watched as she'd taken them from the navigation room; her plans, the ones Lex was apparently after, had been hidden in plain sight among Kara's navigational scrolls. She had hidden them there, with Kara's permission, only a few days into the journey and had re-hidden them there when she'd snuck back on board.

It's that trust between Kara and Lena that Alex wants to understand.

(It's that trust between Kara and Lena that Alex wants to not feel jealous of.)

Lucy slips in a few minutes later with an easy smile on her face. As she turns to close the hatch behind her Alex sees the flash of brown leather as Maggie takes off down the passageway.

They were together, of course, before J'onn called the meeting.

Alex convinces themself the knowledge doesn't sting.

When she spots Lena, the smile on Lucy's face morphs into a look of pleasant threatening as she takes her seat at Alex's free side.

(Lucy is the Chief Mate so her seat will always be at Alex's side, as Alex's second. Even if Alex is still trying to navigate their feelings, even if Alex is distancing themself from Lucy right now, Lucy's place will always be at their side.)

"Well, this is exciting," Lucy says, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "I thought we were done with the Luthor girl in France. And yet," she drawls, "here she is."

Lena ignores the jab and lays her private rolls of parchment on the table, next to the maps Kara has already laid out. She doesn't sit down at the table, doesn't join them as an equal. Instead, she stands at the edge of the table, an island in her own right. Her fingers dance over the unopened scrolls, nervous at the idea of sharing her work with people she's only known a few short days.

"Kara," Alex says. "Why don't you and Lena start. Walk everyone through what you showed me with the maps."

Kara's voice is much more controlled than it was earlier as she leads the group through her and Lena's findings. She points out each marker on her maps, each of the hits Bloody Steed and the rest of Lex's fleet has made over the last year, explaining all the details they know of each attack, of each fallen skyship. As she does so, Lena recounts the ones she believes she was the target for - the ships she was present on, or the ones she was thought to be present on.

She tells them of Malta and how she was supposed to be on the ship when it went down. She explains London and how she made sure it was public knowledge what day she intended to leave. And how that day - the day she was expected on the docks - was the day the harbour was attacked.

Lena finishes with France. They have no marker for this on their map but she tells them exactly what she told Alex: finding her home robbed and burning, with the offenders still on the premise, out for her blood.

Her voice is even as she speaks. Lena betrays no fear.

"Why is your brother after you?" James asks once Lena is finished.

"Twofold, I believe." Her fingers twitch over her papers. "The first is that I am family. I own all of our estates. After the death of my father and the ill regard my mother had for the law I inherited my family's wealth after she was... detained. Since Lex was preoccupied with terrorizing the skies, it was left to me. I've no doubt that he's amassed his own fortune by now through pirating, but I still hold money he can't reach.

"As well," she goes on. "Lex was very involved with my mother's... work." She speaks slowly, choosing her words very carefully. Lena is an excellent player; her mask never falters despite the obvious discomfort discussing her family brings her. "Should he ever be arrested, I'm positive I would be asked to testify against him."

"And would you?" Clark asks.

"Yes."

He frowns. "Against your own brother?"

"Blood can only bind you so far, Helmsman. And even blood is not strong enough for my loyalties to stay with my brother, with my mother, after the crimes they've committed. My family name carries a reputation. But even the public is not aware of everything that's transpired."

Lucy nods subtly at this and Alex is reminded of the status that Lucy tries to hide. Her father is at the top of the list of people in charge of England's defence and her mother sits at the hand of the Queen. The Lanes, of course, would know the crimes of the Luthors that are not made public knowledge.

"That doesn't explain why we spent the day unloading your cargo and then you, what? Snuck back on board? What's the second reason?" Lucy challenges, managing to look both bored and irritated as she sprawls casually in her seat.

"Lucy, she was in danger," Kara stresses, leaning forward to see Lucy on Alex's other side.

"My brother is looking for these," Lena says, fingering the rolls of paper. "He's been searching for them for some time. I believe now that he's been hiring people to search my estates under the pretence of a robbery. He's never thought particularly highly of me, of my intellect, and he likely didn't assume I'd carry them on my person."

They all look down at the papers and James asks, "What are they?"

Lena takes a deep breath, steeling herself. Alex sees the fleeting hesitation, the momentary weakness, flash across her face before she hardens with resolve. "Plans. For something I believe will help the world. But that my brother is trying to weaponize." She nudges a few of the scrolls closer to Winn. "If you would?"

"Me? Oh, um, sure." Winn unfurls one, and then another, reading the papers and analyzing the schematics sketched on them. James and J'onn lean in to read over his shoulders. "Oh, oh wow. This is... Lena, these are really good. Brilliant, even."

"Thank you," she says sincerely. "They're the design plans," she explains to the rest of the group, "to better harness the power of steam for more effective transport across the sky. The majority of steam engines - locomotives, and marine and airborne vessels - rely on Lord Mech or something similar for their basic design plan. And although Maxwell Lord's machines are very good, they still rely on the burning of organic combustibles such as coal. Through pressurization of the gaseous chamber to a different degree, and the combination of solar and atomic energy, I believe I've devised a way to significantly increase the breadth and efficiently to which skyships travel."

Winn's jaw hangs open as he hastily looks from one paper to the next and back again in excitement. "Your modification to the pistons for more effective multiple-expansion is genius. And wind. Harnessing our sail wind. Amazing." He looks up at her suddenly. "Lena, this could revolutionize the sky."

Alex watches as Lena hastily shrugs off the compliment. "My brother was not the only one to benefit from years of highly sought-after tutors."

"You had all of this hidden here when Maxwell Lord was on board?" James asks, looking sceptical. "That was pretty chancy. I can't imagine it would have gone well if he had found them."

"You're not wrong, but with the alternative being my leaving them in London," she stresses the word, her meaning clear, "I'd say I chose wiser. And plus," she smiles and looks at Kara, "Kara was excellent in helping me keep them hidden and in allowing me to avoid him."

Alex shakes their head as Kara blushes and stutters, "Oh, no, no, really, Lena, I... _I_ didn't do anything. It, it was all your idea, to hide the papers. I just helped."

"Really, Kara. My brother laying hands on these could spell disaster. But Max Lord is not much better."

Kara physically waves her words off, cheeks still pink. "Oh, Lena, honestly. It, it was nothing."

Lucy leans forward in her seat, looking critically between where Kara sits and where Lena stands at the far end of the table. Her eyes narrow, analysing the interaction. Alex lays their hand on Lucy's wrist and gives a brief squeeze and subtly shakes their head.

They pull their hand away quickly, but Lucy still understands Alex's meaning and doesn't open her mouth to question.

J'onn prompts, "And Lex?" when it becomes clear Lena is too busy complimenting Kara to continue. "He knows what your work entails?"

Lena slides right back into action. "I've been working on these for some time now. My work was never kept secret from my family, though the reverse was not strictly true. Although Lex was not as studious as myself, he's always known where my interests lie. Once he took up... pirating, we didn't remain close. But Lex has his ways of keeping tabs on me, much to my annoyance." She gives a harsh chuckle.

Lucy smirks, "And brother dearest doesn't think your work is revolutionary?"

"Oh, I'm certain he does. Unfortunately, I think my brother understands - or misunderstands - the value of my plans. I believe he intends to use them as a weapon."

"To achieve what ends?" Clark asks.

Lena's eyes sweep over the table, looking at each of them in turn before saying steadily, "To take down every ship in the sky. He would create a monopoly over trade, over pirating. It would change the face of international trade and put enormous strain on the world's economic structure."

Silence descends over the table as everyone processes this.

"You've no doubt," Alex finally speaks up. "You're positive, that he could do that?" They gesture to the plans. "With just these papers?"

"Oh, yes," Winn jumps in, still flipping through the sheets. "Not her intention. But with a few modifications to the mech, a little tinkering... I can see how he could weaponize this." He looks up at them, his face stony. "Alex, this is dangerous."

"We'd all be powerless to stop him," James adds. "If he can turn these into a weapon to target skyships? We'd be sitting ducks in the sky if he got a hold of this kind of mech."

"So why tell us, exactly?" Lucy asks, with less venom in her voice.

"It seems obvious," M'gann speaks up.

They all turn to look at her, where she leans over her counter. Her hands continue preparing food, fingers flying without having to look down at the knife, but she watches the group with interest. "She wants us to take her somewhere, to deliver the plans somewhere safe." She looks at Lena, eyes thoughtful. "Probably to someone in particular."

Lena sucks in a breath but nods her head. "I do have someone in mind, yes. Not a friend, more of an acquaintance, really. But she is driven, and I'm certain that if I can get the plans to her, she will be able to keep them safe while I start gathering what materials I need to generate a prototype mech. Nothing gets past her, not even my brother."

Clark perks up. "You want us to fly you somewhere else, now? Where is this acquaintance?"

Lena hesitates.

Alex speaks up. "Miss Luthor is requesting a trip across the Atlantic. To America." They make eye contact with everyone at the table in turn.

"Alex," Lucy says slowly, "That's... that's pretty far for a few sheets of paper."

"She's good for the coin."

"That's not what I'm saying," Lucy says carefully. She glances at the papers on the table and then back at Alex. "We haven't run the open ocean in over a year; it's no stroll through the park. And when her brother is after her? Has taken down ships larger than ours to get to her? Alex, that's asking a lot of the crew."

"I know." Their voice is solemn. "I know it's asking a lot, to consider this."

"You aren't decided yet," James clarifies.

Alex looks at Lena but speaks to the group as a whole. "This isn't a decision I'm going to make lightly. It isn't a decision _we're_ going to make lightly. You all may look to me, but I'm not making this decision _for_ all of you on a whim. I want to hear what you think."

J'onn speaks up, "As you said earlier, we don't know if Lex Luthor is out in the open ocean. He has a decently sized fleet at his disposal."

Kara jumps in excitedly, "None of his attacks have reached past ten-degrees west." She traces a meridian line on one of the maps, her finger trailing down the line just to the left of Ireland. "So open ocean could be safe. I mean," she looks sheepishly at Lena. "Your brother is the Pirate King of _Europe_. I'm sure there would be other potential pirates to deal with, but as long as we get far enough out onto the Atlantic there's no reason to think he would be there waiting. And if no one knows you're on board... why would he come looking for us?"

Lena does not look reassured by the news. "I would be wary of assuming anything, Kara. Lex is ruthless and cunning. We have no way of knowing what information he already has."

"My vote is for America," M'gann says casually. "I haven't been back in a long time. It might be nice. I think we can handle whatever the ocean throws at us."

Alex sees Winn and Clark both start to offer their opinions, so they jump in quickly, "We don't need to decide right this minute. This was to hear Lena out, so we're all aware of how serious the situation is. We can think on this until we reach Spain; that will be when the final decision is made."

"Nothing leaves this room?" James asks.

They contemplate this for a moment, but then say, "The details of Miss Luthor's work and plans, and that she has been Lex's target; those don't leave this room. That she is proposing we take her across the Atlantic? I don't think we need to hide that. If we do choose to cross the open ocean, I want everyone on board to have time to think through if they want to stay on or not. There's no need to keep that from everyone."

"And, I mean," Winn laughs, "unless she's going to hide out until we reach Spain, the crew is going to know she's here. How do we explain that?"

"I think the truth will suit us just fine," J'onn says and smiles at Winn. "That she had every intention of leaving us in France, but an unfortunate event caused her to seek refuge aboard us again."

"Everyone is always sneaking on board my ship. They're going to start getting ideas," Alex mutters to themself.

"Maybe you should be more observant," Lucy offers casually, quietly, before standing up from the table.

Alex bites down on their lip to keep from saying what they observed in Le Havre.

Kara glances at them, like she can sense the tension Alex is holding in. She reaches out and touches Alex's arm, questioning yet comforting, and Alex drags their eyes from watching Lucy walk away to look at their sister instead.

"Thank you," Kara says.

"I haven't decided anything yet," Alex replies as the group starts to break up and leave the mess.

"No, but you still heard her out."

"I can-" they pause, waiting until the room is clear. Only M'gann remains, on the far side of the room and going back to preparing their next meal. Alex lowers their voice and continues, "I can see how much you care for her."

Kara gives a small, shy smile. "Things don't feel as loud around her."

"So you've said," Alex reminds her. "Do you... feel something for her?"

Kara bites down on her lip and tries to keep her smile from growing larger, letting out a puff of air and giving her head a giddy shake. "I... maybe? Yes."

"You don't," Alex starts and then stops. "You haven't been close with anyone for a while now."

Kara gives a helpless shrug. "I feel... relaxed around her? I don't usually feel that around other people. Around the crew, around our friends, sure. But not around other people."

Alex waits as Kara gets a faraway look in her eyes.

"I like the idea of courting," she goes on. "I liked the fun and the pretty clothes and the dancing. I always enjoyed that, even after you left me with all of Eliza's attention."

Alex bumps their shoulder against Kara's playfully, and she smiles happily at them.

"But I think I liked the idea of courting more than I enjoyed the people I was courting? I never really felt happy? I was more anxious about everything around me. With Lena that goes away."

Alex's face pulls into a frown and they start to speak but Kara hushes them. "Oh, don't. It goes away with you, too. You know that, Alex. With you, everything feels muted, feels softer around the edges. The noises and the sensations are dulled out. When I'm with Lena..."

Alex can see their sister practically vibrating in her chair, her bubbly energy radiating out. Her eyes are happy, a little dreamy, when she thinks of Lena.

"With Lena... suddenly everything is sharp and in focus," she says, and her voice is a little too loud with her excitement for the intimate setting. Alex smiles at her, encouraging her. "But it doesn't feel like too much. I feel excited, I feel nervous and I stumble over my words when she laughs but I don't feel embarrassed, I feel giddy."

Alex wants to say a lot of things in response. Alex thinks of a lot of things in response, most pertaining to Maggie. Because they know what Kara means.

But this is about their sister and her clear and apparent happiness.

"Have you told her how you feel?"

"No," Kara giggles self-consciously. "I mean, she left and I thought that was it, you know? But now that she's back, even for a little while... I think I should. I think," she pauses breathlessly before whispering. "I think I will tell her."

"You're not scared?"

(How can Kara not be scared?)

"Terrified," Kara says immediately. "Alex, I'm terrified. It's, it's hard to explain. It isn't a frozen terror - it's a bubbly, unsteady terror. But, Alex, I, I like feeling that way." Her fingers tap on the tabletop with her excitement. "It makes me feel brave, thinking about telling her. I want to tell her. I want to tell her that she sets my skin tingling and my mind buzzing in a way that I _like_ for once."

Alex smiles at Kara, her happiness infectious. They reach forward to tuck some of Kara's hair behind her ear, and then let their hand drop to squeeze over top of one of Kara's. "I'm happy that you're happy, Kara."

Kara breathes out a bashful, "Thanks."

"But what about-"

"Nope," Kara shakes her head. "She left, and now she's back, so I think it's a sign that I really should tell her. If she... if she feels the same way - well, not the _same_ way, but if she feels her own kind of happiness? Because I don't think Lena really experiences things the way I do or would describe being around me as feeling sharp and clear - because that's how I feel around her - but-"

"Kara," Alex interrupts gently.

She blushes. "Right." She lets out a nervous laugh at her own ramblings, and then goes on more steadily, "If she feels the same way, then, then I guess we'll figure something out? If Lucy can make it work with land-lovers..."

Lucy.

And now Alex is thinking about Maggie again.

(Why did Maggie have to pick Lucy?)

(Why does Alex have to be envious of Lucy?)

Their face must fall because Kara's forehead crinkles. "Alex?"

"Sorry. Yes." They focus back on their sister. "I think if Lena feels the same, then you two can probably make something work. I'm glad she makes you happy, Kara."

Kara smiles and leans forward, bumping her shoulder against Alex's and then hiding her face in Alex's neck. Alex tucks their head down and whispers into her hair, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Kara answers. She pulls back and looks at Alex sweetly, her eyes open and caring. "And I'm here, when- if you want to talk. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Alex huffs and waves off her words. "Noticed what?"

"Alex," Kara drawls knowingly.

"It's fine. Not right now." They shake their head and give Kara a nudge. "Right now you should go and find Lena, make sure she has her plans safely hidden away back in the navigation room."

Kara laughs, "Aye, aye, Captain."


	6. The Atlantic Part 1 - Noontide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, heads up for misgendering and racial slurs ahead.

The sun is high, warm and bright on their shoulders, a few hours past noon. They've been sailing a full day since leaving La Rochelle and are expecting to hit Ferrol by nightfall.

"Pass me the casting torch," Winn's muffled voice calls up from where he hangs over the port side of the ship.

Maggie crouches and digs through the pile of tools dumped onto the deck, shifting through numerous items even Alex doesn't know the name or purpose of before locating the one apparently Winn wants.

J'onn stands at the gunwale, holding Winn by his ankles over the side of the ship. When Maggie approaches, he raises his arms, lifting Winn high enough that Maggie can lean over the rail and pass him the torch. He trades her, handing over the tinkering arm and muttering, "Broke that," before J'onn lowers him back down again.

The cat sits on the gunwale, having followed J'onn up from below deck. His nose twitches as he faces into the wind. His fur and ruffles are thick enough to keep him warm in the cool air. The cat is doing an excellent job of ignoring the excitement going on around him.

"Shouldn't James really be doing this?" Maggie asks as she drops the smoking tinkering tool onto the deck. It's making a high, angry humming sound.

"Winn makes modifications, James makes repairs," M'gann offers. "Or at least, that's what they want us to think."

She and Alex lean against a barrel placed close by; M'gann because she wanted some fresh air and company, Alex because they want to supervise what's happening, and ensure J'onn won't drop Winn over the side of the ship.

(Not that J'onn would.)

"Really," Alex says to Maggie, "it's just that Winn is easier to hang over the gunwale without needing the repelling lines."

"But wouldn't those be safer?"

Alex glowers and huffs. "Yes. But some people prefer this method."

"He's fine," J'onn laughs, bracing Winn's weight easily.

"I'm fine," Winn calls up, a slight creep in his voice. "So long as I don't look down, I'm fine. And it's not like I need to look down or anything, to see what I'm doing, hanging upside down."

Maggie smirks.

Lucy is up on one of the yards, helping the Topsman replace an old, fraying rigging with a new one purchased in France. She's focused on her task, but each time she has a moment - when the Topsman asks her to hold the line still as he scuttles up the ropes to make an adjustment - she glances over at the group helping Winn.

Alex can't tell if Lucy is watching Alex or Maggie. She's too high up for Alex to read her facial expressions, but she's been hovering near Alex since they hit La Rochelle, waiting for Alex to offer up what's been bothering them.

But Alex can't tell Lucy.

Alex is still drawn to Maggie, still feels an ache each time she smiles at Alex, but Alex is trying to hold back. Because Alex is the Captain, has responsibilities and a potential trip to New York to worry about. And because of Lucy, because Lucy deserves to be happy.

Maggie's made her choice, and Alex wants to respect that.

(If only it were that easy.)

There's a popping sound and then Winn is trying to kick at J'onn's arms. "Up, up!" he starts calling urgently.

J'onn obliges, casually lifting Winn higher into the air.

"All sound?" Alex asks.

"Nope, not yet. But I need that to sit for a moment; can't touch the metal when it's that hot."

"You're wearing gloves," M'gann points out.

Upside down, Winn makes an awkward motion that Alex realizes is probably supposed to be a shrug. "Yeah, well, it's still too hot."

He has his tinker's goggles on and his face is a little grimy with soot. There's a smear of grease across his vest that Alex knows he won't be pleased about when he realises it. One of his gloves is smoking, and both are covered in soot.

Winn has a dopey smile on because even dangling by his ankles ten thousand feet in the air he's still doing what he loves.

There isn't anything wrong with the ship, but one of the automaton Spiders indicated a potential weakness in the hull, so Winn wasted no time in gathering what he needed to make some minor modifications. He's confirmed that it's just a localized weakness in the metal, nothing that could impact them at present. But if left unattended over time, it could cause a problem.

So over the side he went.

He's always tweaking and adjusting the ship, both the mech and the manual parts, which is what keeps them in good shape and moving fast. There's never any rust on their brass parts because Winn is dedicated to keeping the ship sound.

Maggie hands him another tool, and on his signal, J'onn lowers Winn back down again.

The cat jumps down from the rail and thuds onto the deck. He saunters over to Maggie and begins weaving between her legs, bunting against her calves, and she smiles and crouches down to scratch his ears.

He starts purring and Alex can't decide if they're surprised or annoyed.

(The cat has _never_ purred for Alex. Not that Alex cares.)

"He seems to like you," J'onn says to Maggie.

Maggie chuckles. "And why wouldn't he?" The cat continues to circle around her ankles, occasionally thumping her in the leg with his tree branch of a tail as she dotes on him.

"He doesn't like most of us," Alex says. They glance down at the cat, who looks perfectly content at Maggie's feet. "Certainly doesn't like me."

Maggie laughs. "From the look on your face, I'd assume the feeling is mutual."

Alex lets out a breath roughly but doesn't argue. They have a relationship with the cat of mutual avoidance.

"He likes M'gann," J'onn says, still holding Winn over the side of the ship.

As if the cat has been reminded of this, he leaves Maggie and wanders close to M'gann. She stiffens where she leans against the barrel. He sniffs at her boots for a moment, but when M'gann doesn't move to offer any attention, he curls up at her feet and decides to doze in the sun.

"The feeling is not exactly returned," M'gann says. "And he only likes me because I feed him."

"You don't like cats?" Maggie observes.

"Not really, no. He deals with the rats, so he's useful. But I'd rather he stay out of my galley."

"Oh, come on," Maggie reasons. "Look at that striped, squinty face. He's cute."

"He's a grouch," Alex mumbles.

Maggie looks pointedly at them. "I assume he's learned that from you. He sure doesn't get that from Lucy."

Alex crosses their arms but doesn't dignify that with an answer.

M'gann goes on, "Most of the cats around where I grew up were strays. And mean. They're eerie, eyes glowing as they watch you in the dark." She shivers at the memory. "I used to work in a kitchen back home and when I'd take the trash out into the alley there was always a few waiting for scraps."

"What's wrong with that?" Maggie asks.

"They'd howl and attack each other. And me, if I got too close."

"Where was home?"

"Oh, Boston, Chicago, Detroit," she muses. "I moved around a lot before I started sailing, couldn't really find a sense of home when I was on land."

"Maggie," J'onn calls gently, stealing her attention for the moment. When she looks over at him, he nods to the pile of Winn's engineering tools. "Steam wrench, he says the smallest one."

"Right, sorry." She locates the tool and leans over to hand it to Winn. "Winn, that solder smells awful."

"I know," he calls. "Smells worse when it's right in your face, even with the wind."

Maggie leans with her back against the rail so that she can hear when he calls up for another tool. She looks back at M'gann. "When did you leave America?"

"When I was thirty. I spent my early years working with my mother in a kitchen during the war." Alex watches as M'gann grimaces. J'onn may have been the only crewmember to have lived right in the heart of the Civil War, to have seen its death and destruction right on his doorstep, but he wasn't the only one whose life was directly affected by it. Even a thousand miles away, living as a working black woman in the North wouldn't have been easy for M'gann.

But Alex knows that M'gann is tough. She wouldn't be standing here if she weren't.

"After that," she goes on, "I still stuck to the Northern states, working in bakeries, taverns, restaurants, the like. One gentleman fell so in love with my cooking he hired me as a sky cook on his ship, right on the spot, even though I'd never flown before."

"Well," Alex says, "We can all attest to how good your cooking is."

J'onn and Maggie both agree, and there's a muffled, "here, here" from Winn below.

"And you fell in love with the sky?"

M'gann smiles wide. "I did. Sailing is... it's freedom. The openness is comforting. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere on land. But here, especially here," she gestures to Roaming Star's deck, "I feel at home."

"So your vote is for America, then?" Maggie asks.

And with that, it's clear to Alex that Lucy has brought Maggie up to speed on Lena's situation and the conversation that happened in the mess behind closed doors.

Not that Alex blames Lucy, because Alex did say they shouldn't hide from the crew that Lena was requesting passage to New York.

It's just that it's hardly been a day, and Alex had kept Maggie on her toes and working for most of it.

So, really, the only time Lucy would have had to catch Maggie up would have been last night.

Alex focuses back on M'gann, forcing themself not to carry that thought any further forward.

"Yes," M'gann is saying. "I won't get to see my husband even if we do go, but it'll be nice, I haven't been back in a while."

Maggie smiles happily at her. "You're married?"

"Mm," M'gann nods and Alex can see how her posture relaxes naturally. Her physical home may be on deck, but her heart's home is with her husband. Even if they don't see each other often their love is still strong.

"How long?"

"Oh, I'd say it's been thirteen years now?" M'gann reflects. "Been married longer than I've been sailing, at any rate."

Maggie smiles and her next question is honest, not judgemental. "And he wasn't jealous when the man you mentioned stole you away to the sky?"

"Oh no, Johan isn't like that. We have a healthy relationship. By this point, we understand each other. Johan travels for work too, just as extensively as I do. Even though it's a relationship made of distance, neither of us are left pining for the other."

M'gann settles herself more securely against the barrel at her back and the cat shifts, responding to her feet moving. He stretches out in the sun, dropping his head onto the toe of her boot. M'gann stares down at him for a long moment before relaxing and looking back up at Maggie.

"We've been together for so long that it just feels natural now. Vasquez goes home to visit his girl whenever we dock near Livorno, same with Winn and his man in Cardiff. With me and Johan, since we don't really have a set home back in America, we just plan for places we'll intersect in our travels and we meet there. And Alex is good about letting us drift a little off course if I haven't seen him in a while."

Maggie smiles at that and Alex feels a pang in their chest.

"Do you miss him?" Maggie asks.

M'gann smiles with more than just her lips; she smiles with her eyes, like Alex has noticed Maggie does. "Oh, I miss him all the time. But we're both independent enough that it wouldn't work if we tried to settle down, not right now. And neither of us wanted children, so that ship's come and gone for me. My home is in the sky, and Johan's is on the ocean; neither of us wanted something to tie us down."

"And what more to tie you down than screaming children?" J'onn says, eyes dancing.

"Exactly," M'gann agrees. "Plus," she looks back at Maggie, "that isn't the sort of relationship he and I have."

"How so?"

Alex watches the way M'gann's face stays open as she talks, as she reflects to find words to explain this to Maggie. She isn't ashamed as she speaks, her eyes are happy and honest, borne from years of love and trust. Love and trust with her husband, but also in knowing and accepting herself.

"I don't experience desire the same way you might?" M'gann starts. Her voice is light and easy. "Take Lucy. Lucy is a girl of passion; she has fire in her veins. And she expresses that, she gets a release from that, when she's intimate with someone."

Maggie nods her understanding and Alex tries not to flinch at the reminder it brings.

M'gann goes on, "With Johan and I, that kind of intimacy has never really been a part of our relationship."

To her credit, Maggie's face stays neutral as she processes this. She stays quiet for a moment, interpreting M'gann's meaning. "Hm," she says, and it's not judgemental, it's not rude or cruel. It's simply her learning something new about a crewmate. She tilts her head and smiles, shrugging easily. "If that's what works for you both, then good for you."

It seems to Alex like Maggie takes everything she learns on the ship without breaking stride. She doesn't judge. Even if it's something she may not have encountered before or experienced herself, she doesn't let her differences with the crew separate her from them.

Instead, she embraces it, making sure they know it isn't something they need to hide from her, that she still wants to learn and get to know them. She wants to understand what makes them who they are.

And her attitude is the heart of Roaming Star, it's the heart of the atmosphere Alex strives to create on board the ship. But taking on new crewmembers is always a gamble when you have so many people that fit outside the lines.

Maggie belongs here, Alex knows this. Whatever personal feelings Alex may have, whatever frustrations and envy and pain they're trying to push down in favour of being a good friend, they're glad Maggie is here.

Going off of Maggie's easily given acceptance, M'gann goes on, "There's still romance, sure. He's a charmer, my man," she laughs and there are memories dancing in her eyes. "And even though we only see each other here and there throughout the year, he still knows how to spoil me, he still knows the way to my heart."

Winn calls up for another tool and Maggie complies, fetching it for him, but she keeps her focus on M'gann as she keeps talking.

"And we have intimacy, it's just not in the ways someone like Lucy has it. He cooks for me, which is always an adventure." Both Alex and J'onn laugh at this because they know all too well what it's like when Johan tries to cook for the Cook. "And we both love to watch the sunset over the water. We'll go bird watching in public parks - El Retiro in Madrid is a favourite of ours. Things like that." M'gann gives a casual, easy shrug. "There simply isn't any raw passion; it's never been something I've needed to experience."

"Your husband is a terrible cook, M'gann," J'onn laughs.

"No, that's not fair. He's decent enough. Everyone's just used to me; myself included."

"It sounds like you love him a lot," Maggie says.

M'gann smiles at Maggie. "I do. Johan and I work well together, it's how we've been able to stay married for so long. It isn't a conventional marriage by any means. But," she glances at Alex, "the Captain has a way of finding the unconventional and giving them a home, so that's what I've found here. The relationship Johan and I have works for us. It's not something that would work for Lucy, by any means.

"But Lucy's relationships aren't something that could work for me. And not because she has multiple partners," she assures, "just through how she finds intimacy and desire with her partners is different for me. I have romantic desire for him, I crave that kind of intimacy. But sexual desire isn't something for me; that's always how it's been, and it's what works for Johan and me."

"That's really nice," Maggie says. "That you know each other so well."

"We've found what works for us."

Winn calls up to J'onn - that he's finished this time - and Maggie and J'onn haul him back over the gunwale and back onto his feet on the deck. He looks at Alex. "All sound, Captain." There is even more grime on his face now, and his hair is windblown, but he looks pleased with himself.

"Good to hear, Winn."

"Come on," J'onn says, slapping Winn on the back before bending to gather the tools spread out on the deck. "I'll help you carry these down."

The cat gets up and follows in J'onn's shadow as the two leave.

He's attached to Lucy - she's the only one allowed to pick him up, and her bed is the only one he'll sleep on  - but he's taken a liking to J'onn and follows him around when it suits him.

"So," Maggie says as she leans against the side of the ship. "How did you end up on this gleaming piece of brass and canvas?"

Alex frowns, not quite sure if that's a compliment or an insult to their ship.

M'gann muses. "A friend of a friend. I ran into some hard times, and Alex is, well," she looks to her Captain, "Alex is great at giving people a place to stay when they run into hard times. No matter the circumstances."

Alex looks away but M'gann reaches out and touches Alex's arm, drawing their gaze back to her. They share a look of understanding, and Alex gets the feeling that, if they weren't surrounded by everyone right now, M'gann would ask them again what's bothering them.

Maggie nods her understanding at M'gann's words, and Alex is reminded of their conversation with Maggie the other day; where Maggie revealed some, but clearly not all, of her own hardships.

They feel a pang of guilt, remembering how cold they were to her. Alex may not have wanted it, but Maggie was only trying to help.

Alex swallows thickly, but before they can say anything - to Maggie or to M'gann - one of the Guncrew approaches.

"Ma'am," she looks to M'gann. "One of the mech in the galley is making a clanging noise."

"So why are you telling me?" M'gann huffs but she's already moving to follow the girl back down below. "It's my kitchen but James handles mech making noises."

As soon as M'gann is gone, as soon as Maggie and Alex are alone, Alex sees Maggie change.

It's subtle, the way her posture shifts, the way her face morphs. She doesn't become defensive, but she's guarded, she's wary.

She's wary of Alex. Maggie doesn't know how to navigate around Alex anymore, not when there aren't other people there to buffer them.

Alex wants to push her away. Alex wants to leave things as they are, to stop the friendship from growing any deeper. Alex wants to not have feelings for Maggie.

But seeing Maggie, who's been so sure of her footing the entire time she's been on the ship now look unsteady before Alex, because of Alex?

It doesn't feel good.

"I'm sorry," Alex says. "For yesterday. I was rude."

Maggie chews her lip but doesn't say anything.

"I don't want to talk about it. But I am sorry. You didn't deserve that."

Maggie nods but stays quiet.

Something inside Alex urges them to continue to try and fill the silence. "I'm sorry, about your family. About what happened. It... it can't have been easy, being forced into something you didn't want."

Still, Maggie doesn't speak.

"I'm sorry I made you feel obligated to tell me. I... I was mad, but I didn't want that, not like that. You shouldn't feel like you owe me anything. You shouldn't feel like you have to share things about your past with me if you aren't comfortable."

They just need her to say something.

"I'm sorry," Alex repeats, but when it looks like Maggie isn't going to say anything in response, they turn to leave.

Maggie sighs. "Alex, wait."

There's a war inside Alex, a battle between if they should keep walking or turn around. It would be so much better in the long run if they kept walking.

Alex turns around.

"Thank you," Maggie says. "I get that there's something going on with you that you don't want to talk about. I can respect that. I was just trying to-"

Alex doesn't get to hear what Maggie was trying to do.

The Topsman's voice carries harshly from above. "Skyship, Captain! Approaching fast, directly on our stern!"

Alex snaps to attention. "What colours do they fly?" they call up to where he stands balanced on one of the yards on the mizzenmast.

"First is Skyman's Guild colours. Second is the port authority... of France, I think."

"Trouble?" Maggie breathes out.

Alex themself checked in with the harbourmaster while they were in La Rochelle, knows it was documented in the Guildman's ledger that Roaming Star was bound for Ferrol next. If there was any trouble with the Guild Alex would have been informed of it then, before they had cast off.

But it isn't the Guild's colours that have Alex feeling nervous; it's the port authority. Because they had cast off from France almost twenty-four hours ago. Roaming Star sails across the Bay of Biscay, somewhere near Gijón now. This ship has travelled far to reach them.

"Could be," Alex says, more to themself than to Maggie. "Must be important, for them to seek us out so far from the coast." They spot J'onn further down the deck and let their voice carry as they say, "Stay on deck. I want everyone alert."

Alex moves forward, to the prow, where the speaker's horn extends up through the deck from the bridge below. "Clark," they say clearly. "Swing us around to port and steady our position while we prepare for boarding. There's a Guild ship on our tail."

"Understood, Captain," Clark's tinny voice sounds through the pipe.

Alex begins calling orders for the sails to be adjusted so that the ship can hover in the air, relying on only the engines to keep them aloft. Metal grinds as the turbines are angled a quarter turn downward, giving them both lift and propulsion forward without the aid of the sails.

Alex feels the shift in their flight, not just the drop in speed but the difference in how they move through the air. Clark slowly brings them around to port, careful now that they don't have the wind-caught sails for support and counter-balance, and allows them to lazily drift in the sky, taking an s-pattern as they wait for the other ship's approach.

If Alex knew what this was about they would have Roaming Star approach and meet the Guild ship halfway. But the presence of the port authority is unusual so far from their own local skies, so instead Alex has the ship yield and wait for what's to come.

The other ship approaches and Clark holds them steady in their flight. It's a smaller vessel, only two masts. It's also an older ship; their underbelly is coated with iron instead of being made from it.

Alex notes the lack of metal glinting along the frame; not a single Spider skitters along the other ship's hull. Roaming Star carries an abundance of the small mech, both because Alex sees their value and because Winn loves to tinker. But all skyships carry at least a few Spiders because the automatons can inspect the ship for weaknesses in places the crew can't easily or safely get to.

This ship carries none and Alex is on edge.

"The ship is called Ravenslay, Captain," the Topsman calls down to Alex, a hand at his brow as he squints in the bright noon light to read the inscription on the ship's hull.

It isn't a name Alex knows, but that doesn't mean much. Alex glances around at the rest of the crew on deck, but no one reacts to the ship's name. The Skyman's Guild stretches far across the globe, and Alex has dealt with very few Guild ships. The majority of their interactions with the Guild Masters are in the Guildhalls.

A small utility ship detaches from Ravenslay's side and taxies towards Roaming Star. When it reaches them a few of Alex's deckhands tether it to the gunwale of the ship. Three men step off the craft and onto Roaming Star's deck.

One is clearly an officer with the French port authority. He wears a well-tailored brown frock coat and trousers. His vest and tie are patterned in gold, which Alex finds unusual, and his constabulary rank is not obvious from his attire. Shadowing him is someone who Alex assumes is a junior officer, dressed in a navy topcoat and angrily clutching a derby hat to his head, though the breeze is not terribly strong with the ship moving so slowly through the air.

The man who commands Alex's attention is the Skyman's Guild member - a ship inspector. He wears a black cutaway coat, buttoned only at the top so that his vest and pocket watch chain are visible underneath. The white collar and red tie he wears are the only colour to his attire and both his clothing and his posture indicate he is of extremely high rank within the Guild.

J'onn, imposing in his black overcoat and blatant hip holsters, moves to Alex's side.

Alex sees Lucy climbing down from the rigging and making her way towards Alex as well. When she meets Alex's eyes, Alex shakes their head subtly and nods to the centre deck instead. After Le Havre, when Lucy was reminded that her title onboard means nothing to men who only see her as a woman on deck, Alex doesn't want her temper to come through, especially when Alex doesn't know what this meeting brings.

They want Lucy close by. But if these men are about propriety and entitlement then having Lucy impulsively snap at them - or do something worse - is not what Alex wants. Alex sees the understanding on Lucy's face as she submits, moving to blend in with the rest of the crew quietly hovering on deck.

Alex stands, hands on hips in the centre of the foredeck, and the men approach.

Alex chooses to address the man who outranks them within their own guild first. "Master Guildsman. Officers," they say, nodding to each in turn.

"Captain," the port warden sneers and Alex is unprepared for the force of malice behind the word.

It is not a good start.

They stand their ground. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your boarding?"

The ship inspector doesn't focus on Alex. His eyes roam over the deck and the crew, critically taking in every detail of the ship that he can.

The junior officer glares at Alex moodily. He looks quite young for this, so Alex figures he must be in training.

The port warden addresses Alex. "You were in La Rochelle yesterday carrying the cargo of Lena Luthor?"

"Yes."

"Do you know where she is now?"

"I do not. We parted ways after the coin was settled. Is there a problem?"

"Luthor is wanted for questioning in regards to the attack on London."

Alex takes a slow moment to process this before speaking. "I do not question your authority, officer. However," and Alex knows they shouldn't but something makes them say, "Miss Luthor was not in London on the day of the attack."

The man's face darkens. "Is that so?"

Alex nods and speaks truthfully. "She was on board my ship. She commissioned us from Lisbon to take her from London to La Rochelle. We were already in the port of Rotterdam at the time of the attack on the London harbour."

"That is interesting seeing as how Luthor was not slated to leave England until the morning of the attack."

Alex doesn't miss the way the man does not call her "Miss Luthor," but instead only calls her by her last name, demeaning her of her rank.

Alex does not have a good feeling about where this is going and has a worse feeling about these men.

Ravenslay floats a short distance away. Roaming Star begins to turn again, Clark still bringing them through their drifting pattern.

Without looking away from the warden Alex says loudly, "Vasquez, report to the bridge immediately. Ensure Clark holds us steady where we are. I don't want us drifting and pulling too far away from the Guild ship while their men are on board."

Alex is standing with their back to the speaker's horn but they've pitched their voice loud enough for it to carry. Alex has no doubt Clark has heard them through the horn.

They don't look to see Vasquez or which direction he takes off in. Alex does not look to see if he understood what Alex actually wants. But they've sailed together long enough that Alex trusts Vasquez to know what Alex wants even if their words say something different.

This is not the first time they've danced with the port authority. They've sailed with James and a few other crewmembers who are not well liked in certain ports. Alex knows a search when they see one.

(The speaker's horn is Winn's own design. So the men should have no reason to believe Vasquez is going anywhere other than the bridge.)

"We are a fast ship," Alex says, answering the port warden. They nod towards the inspector. "Any Skyman's Guild member can attest to that."

When the man only grunts and does not confirm Alex's address, Alex goes on, "We arrived in London earlier than Miss Luthor anticipated. However, she was quite happy to present her cargo and leave a day early."

"You made France in good time," the warden says, his voice carrying a hint of a threat to it.

"Again, we are a fast ship."

"And you left Luthor in France, you say? Where do you fly to now?"

Alex tilts their head in question. That should already be known to these men. They answer, "We left Miss Luthor in La Rochelle; she was arranging the shipment of her cargo to her final destination. And we sail to the port of Ferrol, Spain now." The lie weaves easily with the truth. "We have a summons there to bring trade cargo south to Morocco. A merchant we deal with often has requested us."

"If we were to search the ship, _Captain_ ," and the way he sneers it, it does not sound like a term of respect, but like a degrading curse. "Would we find the Luthor woman?"

Alex keeps their eyes on the port warden. "No, you would not, officer. Though, if she is wanted for questioning by the French authorities we would not stand in your way if she were on board."

If Lena was truly wanted for questioning regarding the attack in London then it would be by the English authorities, not the French.

The warden shouts to the two other men, "Search the ship. I want her found, now."

A high ranking Guildsman should not be taking orders from the port authority.

"J'onn," Alex says carefully, "Please show these men the lower decks so they can be assured Miss Luthor is not on board."

"Of course, Captain." Alex catches J'onn's eye and sees how his hand moves to rest on his holster. He inclines his head slightly towards the warden.

Alex lets their eyes slip back, following J'onn's gesture, and takes another look at the three men.

All three carry pistols, which is not unexpected.

The port warden carries a large revolver instead of the typical smaller pistol used by the French authorities.

The junior officer still has a one-handed grip on his derby hat and the double holster at his hip is visible and against regulations.

The ship inspector's trousers display the outline of more than one knife hilt, and poorly hidden at that.

They are pirates and they are after Lena. That much is obvious. And Alex has promised Lena safe passage to at least Spain and understands the importance of the plans she carries and why they cannot fall into her brother's hands.

But Alex and their crew are in a precarious situation. They hover in the sky with their sails unfilled and their turbines at half-thrust, and the other ship is at very close range.

If Alex doesn't play this right then things will go downhill very fast.

Alex's heart starts to beat faster.

"We will of course cooperate, officer," Alex says. J'onn begins to usher the other two men below deck and Roaming Star's crew parts to let them pass.

Alex looks right into Lucy's eyes. "Crew, at ease in your positions while these men search the ship for Miss Luthor."

Lucy nods, and as Alex turns back to the warden, they know Lucy is softly instructing the crew to take up their positions, to prepare to adjust the yards on a moment's notice should they need a quick exit.

Alex focuses on keeping the warden's attention off the crew that begin to slowly, cautiously prepare the riggings.

(This is why Lucy is Chief Mate. Because Lucy always knows exactly what Alex is thinking.)

"You've come quite a ways from shore, officer, on the hunch that Miss Luthor was still on board."

"We were awaiting her arrival in France, Captain. She did not show, though her cargo was delivered to her estate. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"I am afraid not. As I said, we received a summons to Spain, a usual customer of ours, so we didn't linger in La Rochelle."

"I should like to see that summons, if you would?"

"Of course." And Alex draws the man to the upper deck, towards the navigation room, where all of the ship's legal information is kept.

It draws him away from the crew preparing the sails, but it brings him closer to where Lena is likely going to be hiding if Vasquez hasn't found her.

(Being Captain is about making the risky decisions.)

Alex approaches Kara's navigation room but knows they cannot knock on the door. A knock would warn Lena to hide. If Alex knocks, it will alert the man next to Alex that they have something to hide.

So Alex walks up and throws open the door, striding into the room like it isn't Kara's sanctuary but instead is the Captain's quarters.

"Alex," Kara yelps in surprise. She's sitting on the cot and surrounded by open books.

The one in her hands is upside down and her whole body is tense, but Lena is not in sight.

Alex does not let out a breath of relief because they will not let this man catch on to anything.

"Kara," Alex says evenly, holding their sister's eyes, willing her to stay calm. "This gentleman is with the French port authority."

Kara hastily stands and bobs her head respectfully at him. "Sir."

He hardly pays her any mind. His eyes sweep the room, seeking out any places someone could hide.

"They're looking for Lena Luthor," Alex goes on. "She's wanted for questioning regarding what happened in London harbour."

"Oh, um, alright." Kara steps away, sweeping her hands out and offering the man a look around the room.

He can't help himself, he looks under the table, under the cot, and moves the chests and drawers this way and that.

Alex goes to the cupboard while he is distracted, pulling out the paperwork he has requested.

Roaming Star does deal with a merchant in Ferrol often, and he does send them to Morocco and back to trade goods on his behalf. Alex has dozens of papers that outline the interactions as such.

While the man looks over the room, as Alex knew he would, they sign yesterday's date at the top of the most recent summons with one hand and slip the knife from the small of their back into their sleeve with the other.

"The contracts, officer," Alex says, turning around and keeping their face blank.

He takes the sheets of paper but doesn't bother to read them in detail. It's clear that this merchant in Spain is someone they do business with often, and the date at the top of the summons is all he seems to need as proof that Alex wasn't lying.

"I should also like to see the paperwork between you and Luthor."

Alex nods and turns back to the cabinet, pulling Lena's summons and the signed contract out. Alex hands them to him and says, "You may read these over, of course. But should the authorities need them for your investigation, you'll need a proper decree from your superiors to give to the Skyman's Guild. These contracts are not mine to give; they are the property of the Guild."

The man seems to forget that one of his friends is posing as a Guildsman and would have the authority to claim the paperwork. He grunts and angrily shoves the sheets back at Alex.

As Alex leads him back to the main deck they share a look with Kara. Kara's eyes tell Alex not to do anything rash, to let these men complete their search and then leave the ship in peace. Kara is nervous herself, but she trusts Alex to keep her safe, to keep them all safe.

She knows Alex can be reckless at times, but she also knows Alex is calculating and always has a plan.

Leaving the navigation room and stepping down to the centre deck, Alex sees Lucy at the bow, near the speaker's horn, and knows she's giving Clark instructions to prepare for a hasty departure.

Even from across the ship, Alex can see the steady resolve on Lucy's face. Lucy may be nervous about the idea of pirates, but when she's faced with them head on she's fierce and unafraid.

The commotion coming up the centre companionway draws Alex's attention to the middle of the deck. Alex's heart jumps in their chest, but it is not Lena the inspector and the junior officer manhandle between them as they emerge above deck.

Instead, they drag up M'gann.

Alex marches over right away; there's a spatter of blood on M'gann's corset.

Aside from the rough handling, M'gann looks uninjured. Her long skirt rustles as she shifts from foot to foot between the men. Her posture is tense and rigid, her face blank and collected.

But her eyes find Alex's. And M'gann's eyes are angry.

"You will unhand my Cook, sirs."

The junior officer spits onto the deck and yanks on M'gann's arm. "She stabbed me, the bitch fucking stabbed me." He glares at M'gann. "Just wait till you see what I'll do to you for that." His free hand, the one not tightly gripping M'gann's arm, drips blood from his palm onto the deck.

"You were given permission," M'gann says darkly, "to search the ship. Not to steal from my galley. No one steals on this ship." Her voice is high, betraying her fear, but her eyes are steel.

Alex can actually picture how the man's hand became trapped between the wooden countertop and one of M'gann's knives while trying to snag a piece of food while he thought she wasn't watching.

(But M'gann is always watching.)

The situation is not good, but Alex is grateful that she didn't stab an actual port officer. Just a kid posing as one.

"You will unhand my Cook," Alex repeats.

He releases M'gann and stomps the few steps towards Alex, glaring and snarling that he'll have the entire crew arrested.

The knife slides down in their sleeve, the hilt settling in their palm, but otherwise, Alex doesn't flinch. "You will do no such thing. As she said, you were given permission only to look for Miss Luthor, who," Alex glances between the two men, "I am assuming you did not locate, as I had assured you, you would not."

Alex notes that J'onn isn't with them. And that's either very good or very, very bad.

"You run a dangerous ship, Captain," the young man spits at Alex. "Keeping curs like this with you."

Alex takes a deep breath and pictures Kara's face warning them to keep calm.

They ignore the kid and look to the port warden. "It would be good to remind your eager puppy that although he is a member of the French authorities, his power does not exceed that of the Captain's while on board," they grit out. "My word on this ship is law, regardless of your employment."

The warden makes a face at the younger man, and he backs off.

But then the warden takes a sudden, threatening step closer into Alex's personal space.

"My _puppy_ speaks the truth, Captain. There is plenty on this ship you could be arrested for, sailing with freaks and fags." He looks at M'gann. "And the likes of her, black _and_ a woman. Did you legally free her from her master, or just steal her; tell her you'd rescue her and let her sail on this disgusting sky circus," he taunts. "Fucking women sailors."

M'gann's entire body is rigid, coiled and ready to slip a knife from her skirts.

Alex squeezes the knife hilt in their hand tighter and forces themself to ignore the jibe.

Their voice is like ice. "If the Skyman's Guild has a problem with anyone on board my ship," Alex's eyes flick to the false-inspector, who is eyeing one of the crew in a way Alex does not like, "they may take it up with me at the Guildhall. Otherwise, no one you see before you on deck," James notwithstanding, "has done anything to warrant an arrest."

The deckhand the inspector is eying - a young brown boy, the youngest of the crew - is bouncing on his feet, trying to get Alex's attention. When their eyes meet, he points to the other ship, "Captain, they're readying their cann-"

A knife appears from nowhere in the inspector's hands and he moves towards the deckhand, but Lucy materializes instantly, sweeping in like a lioness and stepping between the crewmember and the pirate's blade.

She stares him down as he presses the knife into the base of her throat; Alex can see the skin depressing in and the nick of blood forming.

Lucy, like Alex, will always protect the crew. Lucy will always stand between the crew and danger.

"Try me," she says, hand resting boldly on the pistol at her hip.

Behind her, the deckhand backs away, easing to safety behind James, one of the few crewmembers standing close by. The rest are hovering near their posts, quietly waiting with hands ready to adjust the sails.

The inspector doesn't move away, but he doesn't push the blade any deeper. For the moment, Lucy's bravado equals his own.

"We will find the Luthor girl," the warden says to Alex, voice gravelly and low. "You women are all alike, thinking you can protect each other. But we know she's here. Where else would she hide but on a ship run by a woman."

It comes out of nowhere.

The blackness rocks up Alex like a wave, climbing and climbing and threatening to drag them under. But this time J'onn isn't there and Lucy can't go to them. They're alone. They're on their own this time.

Alex grinds their teeth and presses their boots more firmly into the deck, the best they can do to attempt to ground themself. The wave threatens to spill over their head but Alex fights it back, pushes back against the agony of his words because the crew's safety is more important than their own pain. The crew is more important. The crew will always come first.

"We will find the Luthor woman, _Captain_ ," he hisses. "And Lex will kill her and every other member of your freak crew for trying to hide her from him."

His revolver comes up, pointing directly at them, but Alex already has their own revolver up and aimed at the centre of his chest.

They standoff for a moment; Alex and the warden with their revolvers drawn and levelled at each other, the inspector with his knife to Lucy's throat, and Lucy with her own weapon half drawn.

The pirate laughs at Alex. "I don't think you can do it, girlie, you won't shoot me."

The blackness presses at the base of their skull, pulsing and clawing and chewing at them, demanding they succumb to the agony his words bring.

Alex waits.

"You think because you cut your hair and don't wear corsets and skirts that you can be Captain, girl? Think you can really stand up to me?"

It feels like ice is shooting up their spine, into their heart, into their lungs.

Alex waits.

"Women don't belong on ships. Wait until you see what Lex does to women who think they belong in the sky. Wait until you see what he does to you."

Alex clenches their jaw and fights the darkness back and waits and waits and waits until the ship is just beginning its next turn. Alex waits until the exact moment the wind will be with them.

And then Alex blinks back the blackness filming over their eyes and shoots the man in the thigh.

The gunshot is like a signal and the deck erupts into movement and chaos.

The sails begin to fill. The crew heave on the lines, forcing the yards to turn and allowing the canvases to billow outwards. The sails snap, loud and cracking like thunder as they catch the wind.

There is no signal to Clark and the Helmscrew below in the bridge. Nothing except for the sudden change in the motion of the ship, the lurch forward as the wind rushes in to fill the sails. And yet there is a monstrous roar as the engines come to life. Gears clank as they are suddenly propelled swiftly through the sky. Clark angles them for an attack while beginning to bring them away from the other ship.

There's scarcely a moment between Alex's pistol going off and the echoing blast from the pirate's own shot. Alex staggers back as real, hot pain erupts along the outside of their pistol arm.

The other ship has their cannons ready but they are still caught off guard.

The deck rumbles and shakes underneath them as J'onn and his Guncrew let fire the first round of cannons. Alex recognizes the boom of the Brain Smasher. They're still at close enough range that the powerful, solid shot can do the most damage. The round shots blast across the sky and takes out the mainmast of the other ship.

The younger pirate, hand still bleeding, goes after M'gann. Her knives come out, one slashing into his side and the other deep into his forearm. But he has size and weight on her and they squabble backwards towards the gunwale, him fighting back against her attack with one arm while reaching for his revolver with the other.

Vasquez leaps from one of the yards above, landing, running, and then he's two-handed shoving the pirate off M'gann. He collides with him right as the deck bucks with the first cannon's fire. The pirate stumbles back and overbalances, pitching right over the side of the ship. And then M'gann is hurling both of her knives down after him, ensuring the netting below isn't going to be what saves him.

The retaliation from J'onn's cannon shot is immediate. Roaming Star's hull groans with the impact of Ravenslay's first round. It is not a direct hit. It collides with their starboard wall. It scrapes along the side of the hull, bending and tearing metal as it goes. But Clark still has them turning away so the cannon shot hits at too wide an angle to breach the hull fully.

Lucy is light on her feet in her sharp, high boots. She dances away from the knife at her throat and the pirate is so hungry and focused on the blood bubbling at her neck that he misses that she's pulled her pistol until she's already firing. He staggers back with the shot in the chest. He levels his own revolver at her a moment later but James is already there. He's grabbing Lucy and spinning her behind him with one arm while shooting the man using the hidden, inner workings of his false one.

The pirate drops to the deck in a mess of blood.

The shot from the pirate's pistol clangs off of James' mech arm.

The high-pitched boom of the Pixie Twins going off shakes the entire deck. Each cannon fires once, and then again a second time. The time-delayed shells blast into the other ship's hull, breaching the metal sheet coverings and exploding into the wooden interior.

The pain in Alex's shoulder gets pushed aside as the pirate lunges for them, bringing his revolver up a second time. It's aimed right at Alex's chest but Alex doesn't have time to think, only react.

Their injured arm comes up, fingers grasping the man's wrist and putting their full weight behind pushing his hand down, angling the pistol away as their body moves in closer. The knife in their good hand is out and then is being sunken into the side of his throat in one swift movement.

Alex twists it for good measure and looks right into his diming eyes as he falls to the deck.

Roaming Star takes a bad shot just as Clark is clearing them out of the pirates' range. Alex stumbles as the entire deck bucks and quakes when the enemy cannon shot strikes home in the starboard turbine. There is an eruption of metal wheezing and then thick, black plumes of smoke begin to stream from the damaged turbine. The wheezing begins to rise in pitch and an awful, groaning sound begins to grow louder and louder.

The enemy fires two more shots but both fall short as Roaming Star charges ahead and out of range. The pirates don't give chase; with their own damaged, burning hull and downed mast and ripped mainsails Ravenslay can do little more than watch as Roaming Star speeds away.

It's a slow speed, Alex can feel it, can feel the lack of power due to the damaged turbine, but the crew know what they're doing, know how to tame the wind to compensate for the unbalanced engines.

On the upper deck, Alex sees Maggie leading Lena down to the main deck from where Vasquez had hidden her in the Death Trap, their own two-person flying machine they keep tethered over the transform, at the very back of the ship.

Alex was not lying when they said Lena was not on board.

There are a few moments of calm as everyone catches their breath, revelling in the knowledge that they are safe. For now.

Lucy wipes the blood from her neck and claps James on his real arm in thanks. "Good shove, Vas." She looks at M'gann. "You got him?"

M'gann nods, grimacing as she says, "The net held him still for me."

There's blood on the deck, most of it from the two other dead pirates. Alex themself is dripping blood onto the wood from their upper arm. But they're hardly aware of the pain, more interested in surveying the ship.

Their eyes sweep back and forth along the deck, cataloguing each and every crewmember and ensuring no one is injured.

They're lucky they were able to get away so fast.

The turbine is making a terrible clunking sound. It chugs along, but they tilt slightly to starboard, and it will only get worse the further they go. The thick cloud of black smoke streams through the air, venting from the burning, melting metal and cannon shot explosives trapped within.

"James, I need you and Winn on that turbine right now."

"Alex, that's not going to be a patch job."

Alex nods. "I hear you. But do what you can. Let me know if we can manage an air docking when we hit the cove or not. We just need to get out of these airways."

"Bilbao?" M'gann asks.

"Bilbao," James and Alex both agree.

"Lucy," Alex goes on. "We'll need-"

"Seamen's burial, yeah. They don't deserve it," she says, still rubbing at the cut on her neck. "But I know, Guild regulations. I'll handle it. And I'll have someone deal with the blood on the deck."

Lena moves towards them, taking in what's happened. "Captain."

"I'll need a word with you later, Miss Luthor. But we are out of danger, for now."

"Thank you."

Alex smiles at her and nods their head in acknowledgement. As everyone begins to break away, Maggie hovers on the periphery.

"Alex, your arm."

Alex glances down at the ripped leather and blood dripping down from the outside of their upper arm. "I'll deal with it in a minute."

"Alex."

"I have to be Captain first, Maggie," they say quietly to her.

The weight of the crew, the lives of the crew, always rests on Alex's shoulders. They are always the priority. Alex has a job to do, and their own wants and needs always come second.

That is their responsibility as Captain; to push down their own feelings and do what needs to be done.

They walk to the foredeck with Maggie following. When they reach the horn they call down, "All sound on the bridge?"

"All sound, Captain," comes Clark's voice through the metal piping.

"Then we need a course for Bilbao, Clark. With haste," they stress, looking at the smoke still leaking from the turbine.

"Already arcing south, Captain. Had to be sure we were out of sight before changing direction. As soon as Kara can adjust the sights, we'll steady the course. But we need Winn on that turbine, immediately."

"Understood, Helmsman. He and James are already working on it."

"Tell Winn we'll also need to pull back on the port engine; we'll go in circles if he can't get them balanced."

"Understood," Alex repeats.

Alex makes it halfway across the deck - calling orders and words of encouragement, eyeing Winn hanging himself over the side of the ship, watching the blood being mopped away - before Maggie reminds them that their arm is still bleeding.

"I'm fine."

"You were shot, Alex. If it was one of us, you'd already have us stitched up by now."

Alex huffs but can't argue with this. The dizziness is catching up with them.

The deck pitches for a moment as Roaming Star drops a few sudden feet of altitude. Alex stumbles, and Maggie takes their good arm, supporting them.

Alex shrugs out of the touch instantly, before they have a chance to lean into it, before they have a chance to register how caring her touch is.

Maggie frowns but lets go.

They make their way to their cabin, Maggie staying close. Once inside Alex staggers over to their desk. They lean with their thighs bracing their weight against the table as their good hand moves things out of the way, locating the sewing kit under the clutter.

Maggie stands in the hatchway. "You need any help there, doc?"

"I'm fine," Alex mutters, dropping heavily onto the bed. They haven't lost a lot of blood, but they can feel it going to their head. The unsteady flight isn't helping.

They open the sewing kit and it takes them three attempts to thread the needle. Once it's ready, they try to angle their aching arm so that they can reach the wound.

There's a lot more blood than Alex realised. Black spots begin to dance on the outer edge of their vision.

"Let me help," Maggie offers gently, still not crossing into the cabin. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"I'm the ship's Surgeon."

"Yeah, and you're bleeding and your head is foggy."

"You don't know how to stitch a wound," Alex reasons.

"I've repaired plenty of fishing line, Alex, I can manage. Can I?" She gestures into the room.

Alex studies Maggie. Her eyes are focused, intently flicking between watching Alex's face and watching the needle they're waving near the bullet wound. She looks like she wants to help, but isn't sure Alex will let her in.

"Please," Maggie says and Alex looks away and nods.

A stillness settles over them and Alex doesn't breathe as Maggie moves closer, sitting on the bed next to Alex.

"Do you want to, um. It would be easier without..." She trails off, and Alex realises that they're still wearing their jacket and that stitching up the wound will not be easy with ripped and singed leather in the way.

Their cheeks burn at the same time an icy stone settles in their stomach; embarrassment and fear, vying for attention.

"Only if you're comfortable, though," Maggie adds softly.

As a physician, Alex knows they should take off the jacket, should properly clean, stitch, and dress the wound. But as a person all Alex can think of is the shape of their body and how many times in the past it's felt wrong when someone has seen them.

Maggie doesn't move, doesn't rush or touch Alex. She waits for permission.

They look into Maggie's eyes and all they see is concern, hope that Alex will let her help. Maggie's eyes are soft and brown and Alex feels a trust stretch between them.

"Okay," they say in a shaky voice.

"Do you have something to clean-"

"Top shelf."

Maggie moves off the bed to retrieve the medical bag while Alex removes their jacket, hands trembling as they fiddle with the buckles and zipper. Their breath starts stuttering in their chest, quick staccato bursts of air in and out. Alex hisses as they start to tug the jacket off, pain radiating outwards from the wound, but then Maggie is right there, hands soft and warm as she helps Alex ease the jacket over their shoulder and remove their arm from the sleeve.

Before Alex can blink, before Alex can register that they are sitting in front of Maggie in only their brassiere band, Maggie is pushing the sleep shirt Alex had left on the floor into Alex's hands and is helping them into it.

"You're okay, Alex," Maggie whispers, sitting back down on the bed.

Alex doesn't say anything, they simply watch as Maggie opens the medical bag and pulls out a clean wad of cotton. They point her to the correct bottle of antiseptic.

"It's going to sting."

"Just do it."

Maggie cleans the wound and Alex grunts and curses but keeps still under Maggie's steady but gentle touch. There's a lot of blood and their arm stings but more than anything they feel dizzy, their head feels like it's swimming as they try to focus. There's something uncomfortable pressing down from inside that Alex can't reason out. They haven't lost enough blood to be this fuzzy. The pain is reasonable but isn't enough to explain how Alex is feeling.

When she's finished Maggie takes the needle from Alex. She leans in close, breath warm on Alex's arm, needle hovering over Alex's skin.

The ship pitches again with the struggling turbine and Alex braces for the sting of the needle jabbing in by mistake but it doesn't come. Maggie waits for a few breaths, waiting for the ship to settle, and then quickly, deftly, begins to stitch the wound.

She makes a face, like sewing human flesh is not something she enjoys doing, but she keeps her eyes focused down on her work, one hand holding Alex's arm steady and the other quickly weaving the needle in and out.

Alex studies Maggie's face. Her eyes are warm and focused on her task, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Her eyes track the movements of the needle and her lip twitches in the beginnings of a smile when Alex holds still and doesn't flinch.

"You've done this before?" they ask.

"Once or twice. Not my favourite thing."

"You're doing fine."

"My lines are a little sloppy." She smirks.

"The point is to close the wound, not how neat you can be."

Maggie teases, "Still. No pressure, stitching up the doctor."

"You're doing fine, Mags," Alex says, the name slipping out.

Maggie hesitates at Alex's words, but then she breathes out and keeps going. "You make a good patient."

When she's finished she insists on wrapping Alex's arm in a bandage even though Alex feels they are more than capable of accomplishing that on their own.

"You were really brave back there," Maggie says, and her voice is very soft and low.

Alex huffs.

Something still doesn't feel right inside them.

"Really," Maggie insists, wrapping the bandage over Alex's arm. "I've never seen that side of you before, so focused and calculating."

Alex shrugs their other shoulder. "It's what I do. It's my job to keep everyone safe."

"Well," Maggie teases, "you did keep everyone safe. Except for yourself."

"It could have been a lot worse." They think of the rough grip the men had on M'gann, the knife moving towards the young deckhand, the blood from the cut on Lucy's throat, the bullet ricocheting off of James' false arm.

Alex thinks of the pirate's harsh words to them and the fuzzy feeling grows.

Maggie smiles. "You kept Lena safe."

Alex says, "No one ever checks the ass of the ship," but their voice sounds thin and weak.

Maggie finishes wrapping Alex's arm and then moves her hand down, squeezing their forearm. "Really, Alex. You handled that well. I can see now why you're the Captain."

Alex doesn't say anything.

"I mean, I could see before," she goes on, "how dedicated you were. But this solidified that; you risking your life for the rest of us."

The blackness isn't rising up, but Alex can still feel its echo, can still feel its effect.

"Cockiness looks good on you, Captain. You played them well." Maggie's voice is light and teasing.

Their chest feels tight. Their hands tingle and sting.

"You should give me some lessons on using that pistol. I bet I could learn a thing or two from you."

They try to listen to Maggie's words but she sounds far away.

"Alex?"

Alex hums, blinking and focusing on Maggie again. She's smiling at Alex, squeezing their arm.

The touch doesn't feel right. Pinpricks of discomfort begin to crawl along Alex's skin and they tug away from her grip, shifting back on the bed, putting distance between them.

Maggie frowns, registering the distance. She sighs softly to herself and then offers, "You and Lucy make a really good team."

And Maggie starts talking about Lucy's heroics and Alex stops listening completely. The combination of Maggie's praise for Lucy and the ache in their chest, the dizzy, black feeling in their head, becomes too much.

The pirate's words still sting like abrasions against their skin.

"I think you should go." Their voice sounds hollow.

Maggie's features draw together. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," they grit out. "I just... need some space."

The wall goes up behind Maggie's eyes. They can see it, like a lever has been pulled, and her teasing, smirking face goes dark and blank.

She's reading Alex, seeing more than what Alex is saying. Seeing the way Alex is tense and uncomfortable and pulling away.

(What she can't see is the pain and blackness rising inside Alex. And Alex can't talk about it.)

Maggie nods and huffs to herself. "Right. Sure." She stands up, leaving the sewing kit and the medical bag on the bed. "Glad your arm is okay," she tosses out gruffly.

Maggie leaves and Alex sits on the bed, staring at the wall.

There's a loud groaning from below, the engines straining to keep them airborne. Alex should be on deck, helping the crew.

They stand and their hands shake as they put the kit and the bag away. The pirate's words ring loudly in their ears.

Alex's eyes fall on the drawer where their binding band is kept.

They don't wear it when they fly. The high altitude with its thin and cold air, mixed with the physical labour of running a ship, make it harder to breathe. It pushes Alex into discomfort when they bind while the ship is flying.

But right now the blackness is swirling around inside them, not threatening to spill over, to drag them under, but it's there, low and present. The pirate's words echo and mix with Max's from a few days ago. The pain feels just under the surface, crawling and tingling under their skin; sharp and scratching.

The sleep shirt and the brassiere band come off and the minute the binding band is on Alex feels grounded, feels relieved. Seeing their flat chest pushes the pain down, down to where Alex can ignore it. They feel assured, feel more like themself again.

They pull on a plain, button-down black blouse on top and Alex feels okay, feels strong enough to go back on deck and deal with the aftermath of the pirate's attack.

Winn and the Carpenter are sitting on the deck, surrounded by tools and Spiders and spare mech parts, each fiddling with pieces and muttering about repairs. James is repelling over the side of the ship, wearing a filter mask as he tries to breathe through the soot still coming off the ruined turbine as he inspects how bad the damage is.

Vasquez and Lucy are wrapping the bodies in sheets. There are three bodies on deck, so someone has climbed down and retrieved the one from the catch netting.

Lucy looks up as Alex passes and her eyes widen instantly as she takes in the flatness of Alex's chest. She stands, leaving Vasquez to finish on his own.

"I'm fine," Alex insists, unprompted and voice surprisingly even.

Lucy doesn't say anything, but Alex can see in her eyes that Lucy wants to ask them if binding right now is such a good idea. They're still going to be at a high altitude for at least another day if they're lucky, backtracking and racing to the familiar cove. And without the turbine everyone will be working twice as hard maintaining the sails, Alex included.

Lucy knows how much binding helps Alex; Lucy was the one to suggest Alex try it in the first place. But she's also always concerned for Alex's wellbeing and physical health - she knows how much binding while they're still airborne can hurt. And she also knows how much Alex is willing to ignore the physical pain in favour of supressing the black feeling.

Lucy knows Alex never binds on deck unless things are really bad.

She doesn't say anything, just regards Alex sadly, fingers twitching at her sides as she holds in whatever she wants to say. She doesn't move forward, doesn't try to go to Alex and offer comfort. Alex has been pushing her away and it's clear Lucy has noticed. She's holding herself back, unsure where she and Alex stand now.

Alex shakes their head and walks off.

When they reach the mess, M'gann has a bottle waiting.


	7. Bilbao, Spain

Clark and his Helmscrew keep them at a steady altitude for the rest of the afternoon, but Roaming Star is still in bad shape. James, Winn, and the Carpenter all work together on the repairs - not enough to fix, but enough to buy them time until they can reach port. They bang and prod at the turbine, which has finally stopped smoking, and then they all take turns repelling over the side of the ship inspecting the damage to the hull from the cannon fire.

There is not much they can do while in the air aside from make a list of all the parts and tools they'll need once they reach the cove.

"How does it look?" Alex asks.

"Not good, Captain," the Carpenter says while wiping her hands on her sari. "But we've taken worse hits."

"Will we reach the cove?"

James nods from where he leans back on the rail. "We will. Though... maybe not by air."

Alex nods, disappointed but ultimately not surprised. "Make sure we are prepared for sailing over water, then. Interior damage?"

The Carpenter replies, "We're sound, no room for leaks. The gunwale is dented. It's damaged, and James and I will need to iron it out once we make land. But we didn't find anything significant that would decide against a water landing." She crouches down and begins to pack up her tools and the brass chains and buckles on her sari clang together.

"Did Winn-"

"Yes," Winn says from his place on the ground, legs stretched out in front of him, sorting through pieces of mech. "Spiders have crawled over every inch of the starboard side, inside and outside. Aside from a few broken beams, everything is still structurally sound. No leaks," he assures.

"Good. I'll leave it to your call for when we need to make water? Make sure the turbines are fully sealed if we do need to groundsail."

The three nod. They look weary, exhausted, and covered in soot, but confident in their work. It may be Alex's job to run the ship but together these three are responsible for making sure Roaming Star sails smoothly.

Lucy and Maggie have both kept their distance from Alex the rest of the afternoon, aware their presence is not wanted right now. Alex tries to play it off, to pretend they are simply focused on the damaged ship, but they know they are not being very convincing when J'onn pulls them aside to ask if they are alright.

"My arm is fine."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"I'm fine, J'onn."

"Alex."

"I'm okay."

J'onn's face is concerned, eyes watching Alex carefully. "Lucy told me what happened, what the pirate said to you."

Alex frowns at their boots and mutters, "Lucy should mind her own damn business." They look up and catch the disapproving look on J'onn's face.

"Lucy's worried about you," J'onn says carefully. "So am I."

"And I've said, I'm fine." They cross their arms.

"I know you, Alex." And he doesn't need to say more, because Alex knows. They've sailed with J'onn almost their entire time in the sky. They've sailed as a greenhorn under his instruction, they've sailed as his equal, and they've sailed under his Captainship. J'onn can read them better than most and knows when something is bothering them.

"I just, it happens," they say, speaking of the pirates biting words. "It'll happen again. I'm dealing with it."

J'onn looks like he wants to say something else, but goes with, "You don't normally bind while we're still in the air."

"Well, I needed it."

"You should take it off tonight."

"I-"

"Alex," J'onn says, voice firm. Not threatening, but with parental care. "Don't harm yourself trying to push down your feelings."

They let out a puff of air, but nod in agreement because they know J'onn is only looking out for them.

"Things have been tense between you and Lucy."

Alex sighs and shifts away, looking over the side of the ship at the dimming sky. "You noticed."

"I did. It's hard not to. Is everything okay between you two?"

So many words float on Alex's tongue. There are a number of things they could say, could admit, could share. Because J'onn has always been there for them and would never judge them, has never judged them.

But their confusing feelings for Maggie and their guilty envy of Lucy is not something they want to share right now. With anyone.

"Everything's fine," Alex says, ending the conversation and wandering off. They can feel J'onn's concerned gaze on their back but don't turn around.

Lena stands at the prow watching the setting sun. Alex joins her. They stand in silence for a long while, each lost in thought.

Alex thinks of the dead men that have now been laid to rest at sea and of the blood that still stains the deck.

Alex thinks of the man's eyes as they killed him, of what it felt like to watch his life drain away.

"Thank you," Lena murmurs, still gazing out to sea.

"I protect my own."

Lena turns to look at them, ready to question the truth of Alex's words - because Lena is not part of the crew - but seems to think better of it and accept Alex's words for what they are. "I'm afraid you are in this now, Captain," she says carefully. "Whether or not you truly intended to carry on to America once we had reached Ferrol, you're committed now." She gestures to the middle deck, where the fight took place. "Taking out three of his men, attacking one of his ships and then taking off?" She looks back at Alex, her face hard. "You've made it personal for Lex now."

"I understand that, Miss Luthor."

"Please," Lena scoffs and waves off Alex's words. "Lena. I think we're past Miss Luthor now. "

"I understand that, Lena," Alex amends.

Lena leans heavily on the rail, her body drooping forward in defeat. "I can't help feel responsible. The lives of your crew, of your sister, yourself? You're all in danger now."

Alex's fingers twitch, unsure, but they reach forward and lay a hand on Lena's arm. When she looks up Alex says, "Lena, every decision I make as Captain is a calculated risk. Every one. I don't go smashing holes into ships lightly. I prefer not to if I can help it."

"Probably wise."

Alex nods. "My sister has taken a liking to you. You aren't a member of this crew but you are aboard this ship. And I won't stand by as someone threatens anyone onboard my ship. So consider yourself lucky you picked me and not another Captain."

There's a silence between them as they both reflect on Alex's words. When Lena doesn't say anything, Alex adds, "Did you only pick us for our speed?"

"No," Lena says, smiling and shaking her head. "Though that was a large part of it. But I also picked you because of your strong resolve. You have a reputation of being committed to your crew's safety and welfare. For creating a space in the sky where anyone can fly, and standing by that. I respect that."

"I..." Alex isn't sure how to respond to this and awkwardly settles on, "Thank you."

After a long pause Lena turns and looks out over the deck again. She frowns. "You're ship is badly damaged."

"We've had worse. We've taken worse hits from larger ships that fly your brother's flag. And we'll go on to take more. I'm not someone who lets people tell me what to do."

"I can see that. But I can't help feeling responsible. If I hadn't snuck on-"

Alex interrupts, "Even if you hadn't snuck on, they still would have come aboard. And I can't imagine a terribly different outcome. The shooting happened even without them finding you."

"If I hadn't commissioned you, then," she amends.

"Lena," Alex sighs. "It's okay. We're all alive. Pirates happen. We've taken damage but we're okay. We're lucky Bilbao isn't far off."

"What's in Bilbao?"

"A spare turbine."

Lena says immediately, "I'll pay for the repairs."

Alex smirks. "I appreciate the gesture, but it won't be necessary. Trust me on this."

"Please, Captain, let me know if there's anything I can do."

"I will. For now, just keep those plans safe."

* * *

When Alex arrives in the mess that night it's a dismal affair. Nearly all of the twenty-odd crewmembers are present. Everyone is on edge from the attack, from Roaming Star's deck being forcibly breached. Not only does it remind the crew of just how real and serious a threat pirates are, but everyone is shaken after their safe place has been washed with violence without consent.

Winn and James have assured everyone that the turbines will carry them to the cove; it might be rocky, but they are close enough that they don't need to worry. But no one seems reassured by the news.

Alex sits down with Kara, Vasquez, and Clark, but no one seems to be eating much of anything, Alex included.

There is wine out, though M'gann insists on limiting how much everyone drinks. Her reasoning is that they all need their wits if they're going to fly with only one good turbine.

She confides to Alex that although everyone is upset, she's hesitant to let the crew drink too heavily. They made it out alive, after all. They can celebrate that, but now isn't the time to drink to combat darkness.

Alex doesn't completely agree, but part of that is because M'gann has already cut them off after the liquor they had earlier.

The Steward sits down next to Clark and looks to Alex. "What happens now, Captain? Where do we go after Bilbao?"

Alex does not miss that with the woman's words a hush falls over the cabin but they focus on her as they speak, "After Bilbao, once we're sound to fly again, then..." Alex hesitates and steels themself, because they can't force this on the crew.

"No," Lucy says, looking up from where she sits with Maggie at the next table. "Alex, no."

(Lucy can always read Alex's mind.)

Alex ignores her and presses on. "After Bilbao, Roaming Star sails to New York. If we are going to play cat and mouse with Lex Luthor, then all of you are free to make your own decisions about staying on board or not, with no judgement. But the ship will cross the Atlantic and it's quite possible Lex will be hunting us from this point on. This isn't about Lena anymore. It's personal for Lex."

Lucy laughs, but it's in amusement, not mockery or disagreement. "And if all of us take leave in Spain, you'll fly the ship yourself?"

"I'm being serious, Lucy."

"I know you are. That's why it's funny."

"I'm not ordering anyone to put their lives in danger, not after today."

Lucy scoffs, "Obviously. But you could be a little less noble and at least ask us to sail with you before assuming we're all going to jump ship."

Alex blinks, feeling thrown off balance.

Clark speaks up. "You don't want to order us, but that doesn't mean you have to be afraid to ask us to come with you, Alex."

"I don't want to influence anyone's decision," Alex says. Because they don't. They know this crew would follow them straight into a fire, and that's exactly why Alex won't ask the crew to follow them to New York. After what's happened today they have no idea what's waiting for them on the open ocean, they have no idea where Lex is and what his next move will be.

After what's happened today Alex has made things personal with Lex. He isn't just after Lena and her secret plans. He's been bested by Alex, a Captain who isn't well respected in the Guild because they are not a man. It doesn't matter what they are; they aren't a man, and that's all that Lex will see.

Lex won't just be coming for his sister's blood now, he'll be coming for Alex's, for Alex's sky family. And Alex will not demand the crew to step into that.

Voices begin to rise as the topic descends into a debate, the crew collectively weighing the pros and cons of sailing the Atlantic and risking putting themselves at the mercy of Lex's army of skyships.

Alex is surprised, and honestly, they are somewhat frustrated with how many of the crew flat out agree to stay on for the trip to New York. It doesn't matter that someone like Winn is a brother to Alex and has been sailing under Alex for a few years now. It's frustrating that he can simply agree to go, no questions asked, and then go back to eating his dinner as if he were deciding to go for a walk despite the rain.

They all shouldn't be treating this decision so lightly, so casually.

Especially because the casual attitudes of people like Lucy and Winn and James are influencing the rest of the crew to do the same.

Someone like Maggie, who's still so fresh and new to skysailing, new to the world of sky pirates, should be putting serious thought into this decision. Alex would rather Maggie properly contemplate this instead of just smiling and nodding her agreement like she hasn't considered the dangers at all. They know that Maggie takes the time to think through her decisions, so it frustrates Alex that she doesn't appear to be thinking it through this time.

Just because Alex can be impulsive and jump into danger doesn't mean the rest of the crew should too.

Alex doesn't understand why everyone seems to want to follow their Captain so willingly into almost undeniable danger.

(Although, Maggie probably has other motives for wanting to stay on.)

(Like Lucy's arm slung over the back of her chair.)

The debate continues around them but Alex doesn't speak up; they try to distance themself from the crew, from influencing their decision. This is one time where being Captain doesn't mean making the hard decisions, doesn't mean ordering the crew what to do in the face of hardship.

Right now, being Captain is about staying silent and letting their family come to their own decisions.

"I'm going," Kara says softly to Alex, and Alex rolls their eyes to themself. Not only is that not surprising, given Kara's feelings for Lena, but Alex is very sure they wouldn't be able to forcibly remove their sister from the deck even if they tried.

Kara followed Alex into the sky to keep their sibling safe, she won't be backing out now.

They've already had this argument in the past, Alex wanting to leave Kara on land during some of Roaming Star's more dangerous runs. They want to keep Kara safe, and Kara insists that she is safest at Alex's side. Kara insists that she is an adult, and should be allowed to make her own decisions about her safety on deck.

And, to be fair, Kara has pointed out that if Alex is allowed to put themself in danger and face off with pirates, their reasoning for not wanting Kara to do the same can't only be, "because you're my little sister."

Alex is stubborn, but Kara is just as stubborn. Often times more so.

So this time, Alex won't try to talk her out of it. They would like to - they'd like nothing more than for Kara to be far away from Lex's crew - but they respect Kara more than they want to bring up old arguments.

* * *

They are still two hours from the cove the next day when they splash into the water and all hands are on deck.

At only a hundred feet in the air, Clark cuts power to the engines and they drift downwards. Once James has ensured that the turbines are closed and secure - that no water can flow in and flood the engine room - Alex gives the command for the catch netting and dangling lines to be brought in so as not to snag on anything on the seabed the closer they get to shore.

Thick, heavy piping is extended down from either side of the ship and they start pumping in ballast before they hit water, weighing them down and speeding their decline, but ensuring they will be buoyant enough when they do hit the water. Skyships are designed to be light so Roaming Star takes on seawater to bring them closer in weight to a groundship.

When they do settle into the water Alex is sure to throw a pointed look at Maggie, reminding her of their conversation a few days earlier where she said she'd never seen a skyship sail over water before.

The water landing is neat and without fanfare, though they do attract the attention of some gulls that circle and cry overhead.

Once they are settled and the tension on deck relaxes, Lucy is, unsurprisingly, the first to jump overboard for a quick swim in the bay. First Kara and James, and then a few other of the crewmembers join her, splashing about in the water.

Alex lets them have a few moments. The mood on deck over the past twenty-four hours has been sombre and edgy, and Alex understands that some of the crew need time to simply laugh, to enjoy themselves after what's happened.

Lucy climbs back on deck and proceeds to fling herself onto a dry Maggie, hugging her and soaking Maggie's clothes through. Their laughter rings out and Alex turns away, focusing their attention on the sails instead.

The sun is warm on their starboard side as they sail through the Bay of Biscay. Instead of travelling down the Ría de Nervión into the city proper, Roaming Star docks in a small fishing village down along the coast. The water in the cove is deep, allowing them to come right up to the shore.

The docks are quiet; it isn't a busy place, with only a few fishing ships scattered in the waters surrounding, but Alex and their crew are known in the village. One of the Guncrew grew up here, so whenever they do dock in the cove - which is always one time more than Alex would like, given the circumstances for needing to seek refuge here - it is with a warm welcome.

Alex sends the native Gunman, as well as the ship's Steward, into the village with a purse of coin to request permission to dock in the cove's waters for the next few days. They know it won't be a problem, but Roaming Star is a large ship, and they don't want to be in the way of the smaller fishing craft.

As soon as the ship is settled J'onn takes off. Taking Vasquez and Clark with him, he pays for the use of a horse and wagon as well as an old and rusty street-crawler and sets off for an undisclosed location to retrieve parts for the damaged ship.

All of the crew know that serious repairs always take place in Bilbao, though few actually know where J'onn disappears to once they dock. The twin Alto Gs Roaming Star has for engines are powerful but rare, which means spare parts can be pricey and hard to come by.

A few years back, J'onn purchased Paramount, a vessel with the same engines and turbines as Roaming Star but that had met a fiery end and was decommissioned. So whenever they are in dire need of parts not easily found in a shipyard they sail to Bilbao and take what they need from the dead ship.

Alex seeks out Lucy, catching her in the passageway outside the berth.

"I need you to fly the Death Trap into the city proper."

Lucy laughs. "You know I hate that thing. It's a two-person death trap of flying mech, and that's why I named it that."

"I know, but I need you to order supplies for the ship."

Lucy starts, "Wouldn't M'gann-"

Alex shakes their head and cuts her off. "We're going to be over the ocean for at least two weeks before we hit New York, we need more than just food supplies. I want to make sure we're stocked up on everything we could need. And with J'onn and Vas tied up getting the spare parts for the turbine, you're the next person I trust to make those decisions."

It has nothing to do with Alex needing space from Lucy.

(That's what Alex tells themself.)

Lucy huffs and forces a false, defeated smile like she knows exactly what Alex isn't saying. "Of course, Alex," she gives in too easily, and Alex isn't sure if she's agreeing because Alex is the Captain and Lucy knows her role, or because she's too tired of Alex pushing her away to fight back. "I'll make sure we're stocked up. I'll take Maggie with me."

Her words sting. Lucy says it will be a good learning experience for their greenhorn, but Alex sees right through that.

But they let it go because they don't want an argument. "Okay, take Maggie. Order everything we could need, and have it delivered and waiting on the Bilbao docks for us on the day we leave - tell them we'll give them an evening's notice. Once Roaming Star is clear we'll fly down the river and pick everything up."

"And then off to America."

"And then off to America," Alex agrees.

Kara and Alex help Lucy and Maggie haul the Death Trap onto the deck from where it rests over the transform. The small, taxiing mech is the equivalent of a rowboat on a groundship. It has small wings, a single, half-sized turbine at the back, and a glass dome cockpit. It's steam-powered but can only go short distances. And it's rickety to fly, which is the reason Lucy doesn't like it.

Winn and James start working on the repairs even before J'onn arrives back with the spare parts. Alex helps, suddenly finding themself alone and without anything to do. It's careful business, removing the turbine and lowering it down onto the dock. Then they drag the metal beast up onto a grassy hill and begin taking it apart.

Every piece of the turbine that can't be reused is set aside. Tinkering is all about having scrap metal to work with.

The fishing vessels sail back into the cove late in the day, and many of Alex's crew - those not helping the Carpenter hammer out the dents in the hull or repairing the broken beams from the cannon fire attack - help the villagers haul in their days catch, glad to offer themselves as useful.

As the sun begins to set Alex watches, bemused, as some of the villagers begin to set up tents on the grassy hill. The weather is nice, Alex's crew is friendly, and the secluded area doesn't see visitors often. It is the perfect excuse for a small celebration.

(If one of their own wasn't a member of the crew, Alex isn't so sure how welcoming they would be.)

Alex slips back onto the ship to find something nicer to wear for the evening and they see a number of the crew doing the same.

They stand in their cabin debating.

Alex knows what they want to wear but it isn't something they can't always easily admit, or explain. It's one of the things even Kara can't fully understand, given how Alex usually prefers to dress. Kara tries, and Kara is supportive, always supportive, but sometimes it feels like this sits outside of Kara's grasp.

(Lucy always gets it.)

The modified binder presents as an overbust corset in white brocade.

There is black leather panelling down the centre with non-functioning metal clasps down the front. It sits low on Alex's waist, with a belt and brass buckle at the bottom. The tight fabric reaches all the way around Alex's chest, and the shoulders are capped with black leather and white trim. There is a lace modesty panel in the front and back, reaching from the neckline of the band up to the base of their throat and across to the shoulders.

The compression allows Alex to bind in public, but it presenting as a corset draws attention to the shape of their ribs, to the shape of their hips. Unlike a traditional corset, Alex's chest is still flat and not on display.

Lucy and Winn had been the ones to go with Alex down into London proper, to find and commission someone to make Alex the custom piece. Something that looked like a corset but compressed more like a binder. It is unique, fitted to Alex specifically.

It is confusing to explain to others because, most of the time, Alex prefers the ambiguity of their usual clothes, prefers sitting somewhere between man and woman.

And sometimes, like after the pirates, like after Maxwell Lord, when the blackness rises up, up, up and Alex is left shaking as their thoughts and emotions clash and claw at them from the inside, their clothes are the only way they can centre themself, can express how they feel, express their identity.

Usually, it's with non-specific trousers and jackets. It's almost always with the binding band if they aren't in the air.

But sometimes Alex won't truly feel themself again until they're wearing the faux-corset. Not because it feels feminine - the false corset is nothing like the clothes they had to wear growing up, brings up none of the pain the dresses and curls did. But because when they wear their binding band, or when they wear the faux-corset, it feels like they can breathe. The world around them is what feels restricting, feels confining; the tight fabric feels freeing.

And the corset is something Alex can control. Alex can choose how far from ambiguity they fall. Alex can dictate what people see, how feminine they present and how bound their chest appears.

With bows and stockings and lace people only ever see soft, see demure, see weak, see sensitive. In their false corset, with their short hair and tight pants Alex can counteract this, can still give off strength and authority and courage. It gives Alex control, gives Alex agency.

But they only feel comfortable wearing it sometimes. Most of the time, the false corset stays hidden in the bottom of their drawer.

Today, Alex needs the binding. Today, Alex needs the faux-corset.

It takes a few tries to work themself into the compression comfortably until it sits just right. There are laces that chinch at the back for style, not purpose, and thankfully, Kara is next door in the navigation room.

The door is half open; Kara is sitting at the table, a dreamy, happy smile on her face as Lena stands behind her and braids a sprig of flowers into Kara's hair. Kara's brow wrinkles slightly as Alex enters, taking in both the binding corset they wear and knowing what normally pushes Alex to need to wear it in the first place. But then she smiles. "You look nice."

"Thanks," Alex says hesitantly. "Can you?"

Kara bobs her head. "Sure, come here." She moves so she sits sideways in the chair, Lena shifting behind her to keep her attention on Kara's hair.

Alex steps closer and turns away, letting Kara's gentle hands tug on the fake stays. When she's finished, Alex turns back around.

Lena is finishing off Kara's hair. Her eyes sweep up and down Alex once, her gaze light, not critical. "Captain."

"Lena."

"Your sister decided a summer gathering meant she should have summer flowers in her hair."

"I still think you should let me put flowers in your hair, too," Kara grumbles, crossing her arms and pouting.

Lena squeezes Kara's shoulder lightly, "Then that would take away from your pretty charm. And I'm already overdressed for the evening."

The corset dress Lena wears is a little fancy for a country garden gathering, but she looks lovely in it. The bronze skirt drops down to her ankles, with satin cinches over her hips. The corset is cream white and dark brown, with shoulder caps and only a few modest pieces of brass. Instead of her usual lavish, knee-high boots, short but pretty shoes peek out from beneath her skirt.

"You look nice," Alex says to her.

Lena blinks, surprised at the compliment, but then smiles.

The friendship between Lena and Alex is still tentative, born out of respect for each other. It isn't the carefree, jaunty friendship Alex has with other members of the crew. It's more trepidatious and formal. But Alex has learned that Lena is not what some of the crew, or the newsprints, make her out to be.

Kara herself is in her rose and black corset: pink-dyed leather and detailed black lacing. She wears tight cotton pants instead of leather paired with lacy, over the ankle boots.

When Lena finishes with Kara's hair, Kara stands excitedly. "Alright, I am all set for dancing and food. Let's go." She takes off and Lena and Alex share an amused look before following.

High cliffs and deep water surround two-thirds of the cove, allowing Roaming Star to anchor close to shore. Three long, wooden docks extend out from the shallow side of the inlet, and Roaming Star is tethered to the one closest to the far side, where the steep fall from the cliffs are.

The cliffs arc around most of the cove and then stop in a broken, jagged drop on the east side. Below that, and up from the shore, is the grassy hill and the small village.

The sun has just dropped below the horizon of the cliff face but the hill winks with light, both from gaslights and fire pits. Canvas canopies have been thrown up here and there. Once they climb down the rope ladders that are thrown over the hull of the ship, Alex can hear the sounds of music and laughter as they make their way to the gathering, Lena and Kara next to them.

The music and chatter is light as it drifts towards them. Kara looks relaxed and happy to be off-board - and that doesn't happen often - and excited to join in the celebration for once.

(Alex will still keep an eye on her.)

As they step off the docks and onto the shore Alex is hit with a wave of aromas. The villagers have prepared a feast, with freshly cooked meats and vegetables. M'gann is already there, cooking up some of her own specialties to share with the locals and with the crew alike. The familiar smells of M'gann's cooking mixed with the rich scents of the local food mingle together and sweep down the beach, enticing and encouraging.

Kara grabs Lena's hand and takes off running.

Alex follows at a slower pace, letting the lightness and cheer wash over them and pull away the memories of the pirate's words and the pirate's dying eyes.

The heavy vats of food smell even better up close. Kara already has a plate and is weaving in and out of people, inspecting all of her options and tugging Lena along with her. Lena smirks fondly at her.

Lena is more relaxed than Alex has seen her. Here, she has anonymity. Here, she is simply a member of the visiting crew, if slightly better dressed. Here, no one knows her for her family's crimes. Here, no one is trying to kill her.

(Here, no one is trying to kill any of them.)

Surrounding one of the fire pits is a cluster of musicians. There is a mixture of airy, traditional folk instruments of the region and smaller versions of the brass, clanging musical mech found in music halls in large cities. Both Vasquez and the ship's Topsman sit with the musicians.

Vasquez has a plate of food balanced on his lap and is plucking away at a brassy stringed instrument, keeping time with the other players easily. The inner working cogs click and shift periodically, changing the pitch as Vasquez moves through the jovial melody.

One of the locals shows the Topsman how to work one of the musical mech boxes. He loops the corded horn up over the Topsman's shoulder and angles the speaker away so that the sound carries forward. The villager then shows him how turning the wheels and dials and pressing the keys creates a waxy, whining sound to counter the stringed instruments.

Before the musicians is a large cleared space, and already some of the locals and crewmembers alike are moving onto the grass to begin dancing. Kara is still eating, but Alex knows their sister will be out and dancing soon enough.

Lucy and Maggie are both there already, laughing with some of the locals as they make their way through the first set. The musicians are still warming up, and every so often the tempo stumbles as the brassy instruments settle into the rhythm. An older woman hums loudly each time it happens, guiding everyone back into the song.

Maggie wears a modest cut corset in burgundy with brass trim. Her hair is half-pinned up and her eyes sparkle as she and Lucy shift through the steps with their partners.

Lucy is in a white, high collared blouse with ruffled black lace down the front. Her black boots come up to her knees, with black bows and lacing and heels Alex can't fully understand how Lucy is able to dance in.

Each time Maggie whirls past Alex can feel her eyes on them.

On the false corset.

Alex gathers themself a plate of food, some wine, and finds a seat at a table that is empty save for J'onn. He's laughing and shaking his head, watching as Winn sweeps across the grass, easily switching through partners as the rounds of the song demand.

"This is good for them," Alex says, watching the dancers spin and box through their steps.

"It is. Not that I'm glad the turbine was damaged, but I'm happy it means they can all laugh and forget the tension on board."

"Especially since, after this, we fly the Atlantic. And hope Lex doesn't catch us."

"Indeed," J'onn says. He glances over at Alex. "How are you doing?"

Alex gulps down some of their wine and prepares to side-step through another awkward and unwanted conversation. Talking about their feelings for Maggie would make their feelings real, and Alex is reluctant to make them real. It's easier to bury what they feel and forget about it all, to push everything down and move on.

They have enough responsibilities as the Captain, they don't want to be bogged down discussing feelings that are better left unsaid.

But J'onn keeps going, adding, "After what happened on deck, killing the pirate?"

Alex breathes out their tension. This they can talk about.

(It's still hard to talk about this, though.)

"Not the first pirate I've had to kill," they say, hoping J'onn will leave it at that, but knowing he wouldn't be J'onn if he left it at that.

"No," J'onn agrees, voice even and casual. "But that doesn't make it any easier."

"I did what I had to do."

"You did, and we're all safe because of it. But, Alex, there's a difference between keeping the crew safe and having to take a life. I know you; your first instinct is never to kill."

"I-"

He shakes his head, speaking over them. "Alex, I'm not disagreeing with your choice. You know that if I'd been on deck, I would have done the same."

Alex looks out at the people dancing and sighs to themself. They watch as everyone weaves and twirls around each other, flowing through the common steps. Small children run through the crowd, trailing ribbons behind them and laughing as they dodge the adult's dancing feet.

"It's easier," they say. "When I'm following orders. The first time I killed someone was when you were Captain of Hunter's Green."

J'onn rumbles a laugh. "I remember."

"Then, it was about protecting the ship and helping the crew. Then, it was you pushing the pistol into my hands and trusting me to have your back. I didn't have to think; it was just a reaction. It was an order."

"And now?"

Alex picks at the wood grain of the table, feeling the rough surface scratch against the pads of their fingers. "And now, it's harder," they say honestly. "We've run into pirates a few times since I've become Captain, and it feels different. Heavier. Like there's more at stake. I have the crew's lives in my hands. They expect me to protect them, and that means shooting people that threaten us."

J'onn shifts in his seat, turning so his attention is focused completely on Alex. Without looking, Alex can feel the steadiness of his gaze and takes another drink of their wine in response.

Alex sneaks a glance up at him and sees only fondness. They can feel his love, his protectiveness of them, flowing over them.

"No one expects you to shoot first, Alex. They expect you to keep them safe. And that means talking the pirates down before slinging your pistol. Just like you did yesterday. You kept your head and tried to appease them and get them off the ship."

Alex frowns. "Didn't go so well."

"It happens," J'onn says, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm still proud of you. Do you remember what I told you when I taught you to shoot?"

His words of pride echo inside their head, stirring up emotion. J'onn has said it to them many times over the years, that he's proud of Alex, but each time it still makes Alex's hands tingle and their chest tighten.

J'onn is family. J'onn's words mean a lot.

Trying to diffuse the warm feeling, they joke, "That I was going to need to put on more weight if I ever expected to brace for the kickback of the big guns?"

"No," he laughs. "You knew how to handle a pistol when you first came on board King's Hound. You knew how to use a gun, but I told you that you didn't know how to shoot."

"Which I didn't appreciate, because I was an excellent shot long before I met you."

"So we've all heard."

Alex reflects and says, "You were right, though, you taught me how to shoot. You showed me the difference between having good aim and having meaning behind your aim."

It wasn't something Alex understood at first; when J'onn tried to tell them their aim was good but it wasn't truthful. They didn't know what truthfulness had to do with shooting a pistol. It took a lot of grumbling and glaring, and nodding their head in false-understanding before they really understood what J'onn meant.

"And what did I tell you?"

Alex repeats J'onn's words from long ago. "Heart first, then head, and then the weapon."

J'onn smiles. "Exactly," he says, reaching and taking Alex's fidgeting hand in his own. "Which is exactly what you did yesterday, Alex. Your heart told you to protect the crew - even Lena. And your head told you to try and humour them, to play them and get them off the ship without causing a fight." He pauses, and then emphasises, "And only when that went downhill did protecting the crew mean drawing your weapon. You killed with your heart, which is the way it's supposed to be."

"It isn't always that way."

J'onn tilts his head, considering. "No, it isn't. Men like Lex and his crew? They kill because it's convenient, because it's easier. But you have a conscience, and that's why taking that man's life, why all three of their lives, are weighing down on you."

Alex didn't realize the deaths were weighing them down but now that J'onn says it they realize he's right. They've been distracted, trying to push down and avoid discussing their feelings about Maggie, about Maggie and Lucy. They didn't register that they were pushing down everything they were feeling, that they were pushing down things that it would be okay to talk about.

They appreciate that J'onn can spot something in them that they can't see themself.

"But, Alex, it's good that it wasn't easy. It means you take your job seriously. Being the Captain isn't just about making the rules. It's about following through."

"Making the tough decisions." Being Captain is always about making the tough decisions, even if the crew doesn't agree.

"Exactly. And recognizing why the decisions are tough in the first place and doing what you need to anyway." He squeezes their hand. "You can still be ruthless, you can still weigh the lives of the crew over the lives of others, but as long as you have remorse, then you're still the same person I trained all those years ago. That's why I'm proud of you."

Alex's breath starts to stutter; J'onn's words are heavy, but they make Alex feel light.

The music begins to wind down as the current dance comes to an end.

They stare up at the night sky, willing back the emotions and tears J'onn's words invoke. "It's a social, and you're going to make me cry."

(They find Vega, Kara's favourite star.)

"Let's go dance, then. And take your mind off it."

Alex downs the rest of their drink quickly as J'onn stands. And then he's leading Alex onto the clearing, ignoring how Alex grumbles begrudgingly about not liking dancing. But the music is upbeat, the wine is warm in their belly, and the atmosphere is happy and light. The gaslights and fires cast shadows that mimic the dancing of the people on the grass.

The next set starts up and Alex allows J'onn to lead them as they begin to move across the grass. It's a dance they're familiar with. They know the steps and they allow themself to get caught up in the easy footwork, picking out members of the crew that move and flow around them as the melody increases in speed.

Lucy's steps are lavish. Raised on the fringes of the royal court, her mother saw to it that Lucy knew the steps to any dance that could come up in a ballroom party. And Lucy, in her travels, has seen to it that she knows all the steps to dances that come up in country gatherings.

But where Alex's steps are stiff and formal, recalled from years of lessons at their mother's insistence, Lucy's movements are fluid. Her body moves precisely, knowing exactly where it needs to be and where it's going three steps ahead.

She carries an energy with her as she flows from step to step. In high society, dances are practised and exact, an excuse for quick, hushed gossip and meeting suitors while chaperoned from afar. Though this was how Lucy was raised, Lucy dances like dancing is an art for her. Her movements are elaborate and sweeping, picking up on the country flavour to the music and letting that blend with natural, courtly learned mannerisms.

And though she dances in high, pointed boots Alex could never dream of walking in, Lucy never stumbles as she flies over the ground. And though she dances in plain black leather and a simple blouse, it's easy to envision Lucy in a dress - a simple farm girl's or a rich royal's - that flows and fans out with each step.

She wears a breathless smile the entire time she dances.

Though her partners know the steps, they pale in comparison to Lucy's ease moving with the music.

After the song ends, Alex drifts away, feeling thirsty and dizzy with how fast the steps grew towards the end. Winn lets Alex finish a new cup of wine and then is immediately pulling them back out to dance. Alex partners with Winn, and then with M'gann, for the next few sets, enjoying the music and the laughter around them.

But then Clark asks to cut in. And Alex groans. Because Clark cannot dance; he has no sense of how to follow the pulse of the music. But Clark dances anyway.

He asks to step in and M'gann laughs at the look on Alex's face. She smirks and trades Alex off to their new partner.

Alex leads, knowing there will be less of Clark stepping on their feet if he isn't leading. He still fumbles and bumps into a few of the other dancers but he does it with a smile and Alex rolls their eyes and smiles too.

After Clark, Alex finds somewhere to sit down, needing a moment to rest. The binder is tight and the dancing has left them breathless. The lights and the sounds around them seem harsher and sharper now that they're sitting still.

Vasquez joins Alex, placing two glasses of wine and a plate of sweet biscuits on the table between them.

"You should look into finding one of your own," Alex says to him, nodding towards where the instrument he was playing is now in the hands of someone else.

"I already sing everyone's ears off onboard. You'd let me play silly ballads and tunes on your very serious ship, too?"

"So long as I don't have to dance with Clark every time you do."

Vasquez laughs and clinks their glasses together. "He's smart, if uncoordinated when he's on land. I bet he dances just fine in the air."

"You can be the one to find that out, Vas."

He smiles like he has something devious planned, and shoots to his feet as Lucy walks by. "Hey, Luce, I have a great idea..."

Alex doesn't catch the rest of what he says because another song starts up and drowns out what he says as he and Lucy slip away, but already Alex is regretting their words.

They sip their wine slowly and then drag Vas' unfinished glass over when they're done with their own. As their breathing starts to slow down and pain starts to creep into their feet from the exertion, they watch the dancers.

Maggie is dancing with James now, right in the centre of the group.

Maggie has a cheerful lightness to how she dances. Likely raised in a seaside town similar to this one, her movements are close to those of the locals. A few of her steps differ here and there from the villagers' - different regions have different styles - but generally she keeps pace.

Compared to Maggie, James dances with a heaviness to him. Where Maggie floats, James has sure and steady steps. Some of his movements are harsher and bolder than those around him, a different flavour of dance entirely compared to the locals. But he knows the steps and knows the music, and weaves about them with confidence.

They compliment each other well.

"Alex, come and dance with me," Kara whines, running up and dropping heavily into Vasquez's empty seat.

"Kara, I just sat down."

Kara's eyes are wide and her breathing is coming in quick gasps. All but one of the flowers has fallen out of her braids. She bounces in her seat with excitement, but Alex can read the nervousness in her actions as well.

"You doing okay?"

Kara nods, head bobbing faster than necessary. "I really like dancing. And everyone is so friendly." She points to someone in the crowd. "The woman over there said her ewe just had twins, and that we could see the lambs tomorrow. And the boy over there told Lena-"

"Kara," Alex interrupts. "Are you okay?"

She lets out a quick sigh but nods again, slower this time. "Yeah. I might, I might need to leave soon. But I'm okay right now, I'm still having fun."

Alex studies Kara for a moment longer. Alex can't tell in the dim light if Kara's eyes are bloodshot or not, but they can see that despite her jittering movements that her eyes are locked on Alex. Her hands are flat on the table, and she leans forward towards Alex like she really is anxious to get back to dancing.

"Don't push yourself if it becomes too much, okay?"

"I won't."

Alex stands and takes Kara's hand, leading her to the edge of the clearing on the far side from the musicians and waits for the dance to change. "Kara, it's okay if you need to leave," they say quietly.

"I know, I'm just, I'm having a good time."

"I know." They squeeze her hand. "But don't let it distract you. There will be other dances."

"It's been ages since we went somewhere with dancing," Kara cuts in.

"Then maybe when we hit New York we'll find somewhere that has dancing, okay? Everyone will understand if you need to leave, if it gets too much."

They think Kara has already hit the point where the sounds and the lights have become too much for her, but they can't be the one to tell Kara she needs to leave. Kara has the right to make that decision for herself.

"Okay," Kara says. "One more dance."

"Let's make it a good one."

The music slows to a stop and Alex senses Kara breathing a little easier. The dancers on the grass break apart, laughing and catching their breath as the musicians choose their next piece.

When they do, the music starts loudly and suddenly and Kara winces and squeezes Alex's hand, but then she's moving forward, pulling Alex with her.

Alex and Kara end up across from each other towards the centre of the line of pairs and as they begin to dance, feet moving easily with the melody and familiar steps, Alex realises they should have swapped places with Kara. Because Maggie and Winn are paired together and in the line as well.

Alex is going to end up partnered with Maggie for part of the dance.

It's too late to change positions with Kara now without drawing attention to themself so they let their body carry them through the set distractedly, trying to focus on anything but Maggie. Alex watches Kara, watches Winn, watches the other crewmembers on the clearing or around the tables.

They spot J'onn and Clark, crouched down and talking with a small group of children. They find M'gann where she sits at a table talking with a few local women. They're searching for James in the crowd when suddenly-

Maggie is right in front of Alex, smiling prettily as she moves in close with the pulse of the music.

Alex is a beat too slow in letting their hands come up as they come to face Maggie. Maggie is close enough that Alex can hear the soft trill of her laugh as Alex stumbles and missteps. And then Maggie is moving away again, moving down the line of partners.

The song has just started and already Alex is breathless. The compression of their chest weighs heavy on them.

Alex's feet bring them back to Kara for a few steps and they have enough time to see that their sister's smile is bright, if not a little strained before Maggie is stealing all of Alex's attention again.

Maggie moves easily through the round, eyes dancing as she and Alex move together. Her hands are warm where they take Alex's. Alex's cheeks flush and they are aware of their palms sweating. Maggie looks so at home here, dancing in a country garden, that again Alex feels a pang of longing, wondering what home life was like for Maggie.

Maggie's dimples show as she smiles and winks at Alex when they break apart for the last time, swinging around to meet her partner, and Alex almost trips into Kara.

But when Alex tears their gaze away from Maggie's retreating form and focuses on their sister again the heat in their cheeks is forgotten. Kara hovers close, and instead of taking Alex's hands the way the dance expects, she clutches onto Alex's forearms, fingers clawing to try and keep herself steady.

"I've got you, Kara, I'm right here," they say, shifting closer. Kara's eyes are wide and her lips are pulled into a tight line.

The dance ends and a round of light clapping and cheering goes up. Kara winces, still gripping tightly on Alex's arms.

Alex shifts their sister so they can wrap their arm around her instead.

"Okay," Kara says softly. "Maybe it's getting a little too much for me now."

Alex nods but doesn't criticise or chide Kara. They guide her away from the clearing towards a free table.

"Are you okay, Kara?" Maggie asks, following them.

"Yeah, I'm, a lot. Everything's, it's, a lot," Kara stutters, blinking repeatedly as she tries to focus.

"Do you want to go back to the ship?" Alex asks.

Kara nods, eyes sweeping back and forth over the crowd of people, trying to process too many things at once.

"I can help her," Lucy says softly, slipping over to the trio and hovering close to Kara. "I need to go back to the ship anyway." She gestures to her feet.

Maggie smirks. "Admitting defeat?"

"I told you I could dance in these, and that I look good in these."

"You did, and you do."

"But if I want to be able to walk tomorrow, I need something a little more breathable and a little less pointed." She opens her arms towards Kara. "Would you like me to walk you back?"

"Luce," Alex begins. "I-"

"No, Alex, it's okay. You stay," Kara says softly. "Enjoy yourself. I don't want you to ruin your night if Lucy's going up anyways. I can help Lucy pick out some better shoes and then send her back when we're done."

Alex ignores the pinprick in their heart at the thought of Kara not needing them.

"I'll look after her, Alex," Lucy assures, eyes soft but sure as she looks at Alex. She glances at Kara again, her face gentle. "We'll find somewhere quiet for you to cosy in, okay? You can hardly hear the party from the ship."

Kara nods and smiles gratefully.

Alex feels a frown pull on their features.

They know Lucy will look after Kara, that isn't it. They trust Lucy. It just stings whenever Alex isn't the first person Kara chooses.

Which, Alex knows something so small shouldn't bother them. But it does.

Kara and Lucy leave, Kara with a brave smile and Lucy with a gentle hand on her back as they make their way down the hill towards the docks. Alex watches attentively and the further the pair get the heavier Alex begins to feel.

"She lasted a long time out here," Maggie says, breaking the stillness that had descended over the two of them despite the gathering going on around them.

Alex doesn't look at Maggie as they speak; they still watch their sister's disappearing form. "Yeah. I think it was a mix of her putting on a brave face, and wanting to enjoy the night. But I'm glad she could see it was getting too much for her."

"Does that happen often? Her putting on a brave face?"

Alex nods, still looking away into the darkness beyond the lights of the party. "She's strong, and I have to remind myself sometimes that even if I can recognize that things are becoming overwhelming for her, that Kara knows herself, knows her limits. Kara has the right to say when she's still okay. But, yeah. Sometimes she pushes really close to her comfort level. Sometimes she pushes past my comfort level."

Maggie lays a hesitant hand on Alex's arm. "Are you okay?"

"What?" Alex starts, turning to look at her. "Why?"

"You seem a little distant," Maggie muses. "And not just because of Kara."

"Just... tired," Alex says. "It's been a while since I danced like that."

They feel a little light-headed, but they aren't sure if it's from the tightness of the binding, the breathlessness from the dancing, or the wine.

Maggie ponders this, studying Alex for a few moments before speaking again. "You want to go for a walk? Get some fresh air, catch your breath?"

Alex's brain is telling them that it would be a bad idea, but before they can come up with an excuse Maggie is taking their hand and tugging gently, leading them away.

Alex can't help but follow.

Maggie leads them in the opposite direction Lucy and Kara have gone; up the far side of the hill towards where the village sits near the base of the cliffs. They wander through the darkness, Maggie's hand warm in Alex's.

Maggie doesn't seem to have any particular destination in mind, she just walks slowly and aimlessly along the grass. The music and the laughter and the lights from the party begin to fade away. The night is dark but the sky is clear and the moon and stars shine brightly overhead.

Alex looks up, seeking out Vega again as a form of comfort. They don't realize they've stopped walking until Maggie gently calls their name.

"Hmm?"

"I asked what you see up there."

"Kara's favourite star." Maggie looks expectantly at them, so Alex huffs and smiles shyly, pointing out the star for Maggie.

They use their free hand, enjoying the feeling of Maggie's fingers still clasped with their own.

"Can you pick out constellations, too?"

"Some. Kara's better. She loves them."

"You worry a lot about her, don't you?"

Alex shrugs.

"She's lucky, you know. To have someone so devoted to her, who will always watch out for her."

There's a heaviness in Maggie's voice that resonates with Alex. Their hands are still clasped so Alex moves to sit down on the grass, pulling Maggie with them.

They sit close and Alex squeezes Maggie's hand. "You miss your family," Alex says. It isn't a question.

It's too dark to see if the walls go up behind Maggie's eyes or not so Alex focuses on Maggie's posture, on Maggie's voice, for clues. They've learned that Maggie doesn't like to talk about herself so Alex knows everything Maggie does say, and how she says it, carries heavy meaning.

She looks at Alex and then looks away, down the hill towards the gathering. "Yeah. And I have a big family, so..."

So she's not used to being alone.

Alex studies her face intently, trying to pick up any hints they can in the darkness. "You said your brother was the one who looked out for you? Not your older sisters?"

"No. There are seven years between Catalina and me, and another three between her and Beatriz. Martim and I were only a year apart, so we spent all of our time together." Her body is stiff, but Alex can see the subtle changes, can see how Maggie relaxes as she talks about her brother. "As my sisters got older they had more interesting things going on than spending time with us. Even though he was the baby, he was the one who looked out for me, like you do with Kara."

Maggie glances back at Alex and the moonlight is enough to illuminate the vulnerability in Maggie's eyes. They squeeze her hand again, offering support, but let Maggie work her way through her words.

"He was... he was the one it was hardest to leave. I never really spent a lot of time with my sisters growing up, and that carried over as adults. They were just related to me, like cousins or extended family. But Martim... he's..." She sighs.

Alex nods, letting Maggie know they understand exactly what she can't put to words.

"It's okay to miss him," they say gently, offering Maggie a shy smile. "It's okay to miss all of them."

Maggie doesn't seem to think so. She shakes her head. "No, it-" she hesitates.

Maggie looks steadily into Alex's eyes. Alex isn't sure what Maggie sees, what she's able to read from Alex's face in the dark. But she must find what she's looking for because she continues, "I feel... guilty, missing them. Not my brother, but, everyone else. It hurts to miss them. It would be easier if I didn't."

"Why?"

"They, my father," she stumbles. She closes her eyes for a moment and shakes her head in something like defeat. When she opens her eyes again she takes a deep breath before saying, "Like I said the other day, I didn't leave because I wanted to. I was... asked, to leave."

And Alex hears everything Maggie isn't saying.

With the way she hesitates, Alex thinks that asked is not the word to describe what happened. But Alex has noticed that Maggie prefers to talk lightly of heavy things, prefers to save face than admit how much something has affected her, admit how truly painful something was.

"And it hurt," Maggie goes on stiffly. "It still hurts. And missing them, it, it confuses me. Because they, well, they made it clear they wouldn't miss me. But I can't stop missing them."

"I'm sorry," Alex says tenderly, eyes soft as they watch Maggie. Because that's all they can say. Their relationship with their mother has its ups and downs, it's strained at times, but Eliza still loves Alex, she makes that clear.

(She makes it clear, it seems, to everyone except Alex.)

But Alex can't imagine being asked, being forced, to leave their family. Maggie hasn't explicitly said why, but Alex has a clear guess for the reason.

"I'm sorry," they say again.

Maggie's posture is stiff, jaw tight and eyes focused on the darkness instead of looking at Alex.

They don't think Maggie wants flowing words of comfort right now. Alex doesn't think Maggie wants them to tell her that everyone has a hard time getting along with their family but that family is family so eventually they will come around. They don't think she wants words of encouragement, soft murmurings that it will get easier.

Alex thinks Maggie just wants someone to hear her, to acknowledge her pain without comment. So that's what they do. Alex just sits with Maggie in the dark, watching as the stillness around them starts to drain away some of Maggie's tension.

After a while, Alex does come up with something they think Maggie may not mind hearing, something they don't think Maggie's considered herself. Something that doesn't excuse her family's behaviour but acknowledges her longing for her brother back in her life.

"You could write to your brother," they say gently. When Maggie looks at them, curious, Alex continues. "It doesn't have to be anything heartfelt if you aren't ready. But you can let him know you're safe, that you're okay. Lucy has stationary you could borrow. You could send something to him before we leave for New York."

Maggie opens her mouth and Alex thinks Maggie is going to argue. But instead, Maggie blinks and closes her mouth, like she's taking Alex's words to heart.

"You don't have to," Alex clarifies. "But it's an option if you want it to be."

Maggie nods, still contemplating Alex's words.

Alex can sense that Maggie's gaze is focused inwards as she reflects. They let their thumb stroke over the top of Maggie's hand, the pressure light, as they say. "I'm sorry that you're parents... that they couldn't accept you. I hope the pain eases soon. I hope being on board the ship helps, even a little."

Maggie's gaze shifts sharply back to the present, to Alex, and her features warm. "It does, Alex. Your ship is... everything I needed."

Except for her brother, watching over and protecting her.

"You may not have Martim there for you right now, you may not have him looking out for you. But," Alex swallows. The words sting a little, but Alex knows it is important that Maggie hears this. "You have Lucy. And James and M'gann and, and all of the crew."

"And you?" Maggie asks softly.

Alex takes a slow breath and replies just as soft. "Yes, of course, you have me, too."

They stare at each other. Alex can see Maggie's dimples as she smiles. The hardness that was in her eyes morphs into something more gentle; she looks happy and at ease, with the moonlight reflecting off her face.

"Thank you," Maggie says. "For listening. You didn't have to."

"I want to. I want to know about you," Alex blurts out. They wince at their words.

But Maggie smiles with something that looks a lot like relief. "I want to know about you, too, Alex."

"You already know about me, Mags."

Maggie shakes her head softly, hair falling over her shoulders. "I want to know more, I want to know..." she trails off.

She trails off, and Alex feels a shift. Suddenly, Maggie's gaze on them feels sharper, feels heavier, pressing against Alex. Everything around them narrows to Maggie. To Maggie's eyes, to Maggie's smile and dimples, to Maggie's hand still in their own.

She leans forward, shifting herself closer into Alex's space.

Alex's breath hitches.

"I want to-"

Sharp laughter rings out into the night. Maggie pulls away immediately, her whole body tensing. They both look towards the source of the noise. A group of villagers are staggering their way up the hill, all harsh voices and sloppy steps.

They keep walking past, they don't notice Maggie and Alex frozen in the grass, but the moment has been fractured.

Alex pulls their hand away from Maggie's and shifts to their feet without looking at her. "We should go, Lucy's probably back by now. She'll start to wonder..."

Alex sighs.

Lucy will start to wonder where Maggie is.

* * *

It's late. The party has dimmed down by now. Maggie and Lucy and most of the crew have gone back to the ship. A few lights still wink and dance on the hill. Music still floats out from under the tents but it's softer and slower now; the kind meant to listen to and enjoy, not dance to.

Alex sits on the cliffs.

They didn't end up going back down to the gathering. They lost track of Maggie when they had begun making their way back, but as they approached the tents, the lights and sounds of the party felt too sharp and uncomfortable to try and slip back into.

Instead, Alex climbed up the cliffs.

Not a terribly easy task in the dark after numerous glasses of wine and the compression on their chest, but Alex managed.

(Alex is good at ignoring the important things.)

Now they sit, leaning back on their hands as their legs dangle over the edge, looking out at Roaming Star, at the bay beyond, and at the stars above.

Alex feels a mess of emotions inside.

Maggie confuses Alex. Maggie spends her time with Lucy, is happy with Lucy. Alex has seen her kiss Lucy.

But in the grass on the hill? It felt like they had both forgotten about Lucy. Maggie's gaze was so focused on Alex, it felt important, it felt meaningful. Like they were alone under the stars, safe and protected in the darkness.

Alex had gotten lost in Maggie's soft, dark eyes. Her eyes that hid so much behind her walls, but in that moment, felt like there was no barrier between them. In the careful half-moment, as Maggie inched closer, it felt like she had opened herself up completely to Alex.

And that scared Alex.

Because it felt a lot like - Alex had thought that, hoped that - Maggie was about to kiss them.

Alex had wanted Maggie to kiss them. Alex had been a breath away from leaning in, from squeezing Maggie's hand, from cupping Maggie's face.

And there are so many things wrong with that. And all of them begin and end with Lucy.

Lucy, Alex's best friend.

Lucy, the one Maggie has feelings for.

Lucy, one of the few people Alex trusts completely.

Lucy, the one Maggie is supposed to be kissing.

Alex's head swims with jealousy and envy and guilt. With resolve not to come between Maggie and Lucy. With desire to be with Maggie.

Maggie could not have been about to kiss Alex no matter what it felt like for them. Maggie is happy with Lucy, that's plain enough for Alex to see. They laugh and flirt and spend their time together.

Thinking Maggie was going to kiss them, that was all in Alex's head.

It's proof that Alex hasn't pushed their feelings down deep enough yet. It's proof that Alex needs to try harder at keeping their distance from Maggie until these feelings go away.

It's proof that Alex is a terrible friend if they were a breath away from kissing one of Lucy's partners.

And this is why Alex needs to be alone.

Normally light is what keeps Alex grounded, light is what helps Alex sort through what they're feeling.

But right now, Alex only wants the comfort of darkness.

Alex wants to sit on the cliff, alone and in the dark, and push all thoughts of Lucy, of Maggie, of kissing Maggie, and getting lost in Maggie's eyes away.

They hear rocks shifting and footsteps approaching.

Alex sits very still, body tense, envisioning the knives at their back and in their boot. Envisions the pistol in their cabin on board the ship, where they left it for the night.

They wait and whoever it is climbs up closer behind them. They make obvious noise; they aren't trying to sneak up on Alex, so it's probably one of the crew.

"Hey." James.

Alex nods, not looking away from where they stare blankly ahead.

"Can I join you?"

"Are you going to talk?"

"Nope."

"Then, sure."

Alex wants quiet. To be alone with their thoughts and feelings.

James settles on the ground. He sits an arm's length away, giving Alex space.

They sneak a glance at him. He looks relaxed, long legs hanging over the edge and with a content look on his face. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't try to get Alex to speak. He just sits; close enough that his company is comforting, but far away enough that Alex can still feel alone.

It doesn't look like James climbed up the hill to find some peace to get lost in his head, as Alex has. They suppose it's possible that he was out for a walk and stumbled upon Alex and decided to join them.

But Alex thinks it's more likely that he came looking for Alex. They don't know if he had any intention of trying to talk to them, but Alex is grateful for his steady presence, that he isn't trying to press down his opinions on their behaviour lately, the way some of the crew have.

He stays quiet, is simply there for Alex. And it's enough.

Alex and James sit on the cliff, still and silent, until the sun begins to rise.


	8. The Atlantic Part 2 - Twilight

After the sun comes up Alex and James make their way back to the ship. The walk back is silent; everything is still and quiet compared to the excitement of the night before. Everything feels hushed and muted now, like a blanket has fallen over the village. Aside from the sounds of the waves and the cries from a few gulls ahead Alex hears nothing on the walk back.

They part ways on deck, James going below and Alex going to the upper deck to their cabin.

The sun is peaking out over the horizon, their feet are sore from dancing, the wine has long worn off, and Alex feels tired and weary.

Their next few days will be focused on getting the ship repaired so Alex doesn't feel bad about only wanting to sleep right now. They don't imagine the repairs will be starting terribly early after the late night everyone has had and Alex doesn't feel that they need to make an appearance on deck as Captain quite yet.

It's not until Alex takes the binding corset off that they realize how long they were wearing it; it's a little stubborn to remove due to the sweat from dancing most of the night.

Once the compression is removed Alex feels immediate relief. Binding helps to push down the darkness, the anxiety and depression that can come swirling up. Binding helps centre Alex, helps them feel more like themself when the world tries to force them into black and white. But removing it also brings comfort; both the physical sensation of being able to breathe easy again and the mental calm that comes with it.

Alex stands alone in the dark room breathing deeply and feeling their lungs and their chest expand rhythmically. With the tightness of the compression gone Alex feels full again, feels whole again. Breathing comes easier. Breathing deeply brings comfort. Their body feels at ease again.

Alex forces a few coughs, listening for any sound in their chest or lungs that could be cause for concern. The sharp bursts of air ring through their chest and expel from their lungs, but everything seems okay.

Sitting silently on the bed Alex takes the time to properly check in with themself physically, especially since they wore the false corset all night. Their eyes roam over their chest, looking for redness or bruising, swelling or chafing. There are some compression lines that will fade now that the binding corset is off but there are no red irritation marks.

Their back - and their feet - feel sore but Alex knows that since they will be in the air for at least two weeks before they reach New York they likely won't need to bind again for some time. They know their body can relax now and Alex won't make the soreness worse with a need to bind again.

Feeling exhaustion set in from staying up until the sun rose Alex forces themself to slip on their sleep clothes and take a few moments to stretch their body out, to feel their lungs and chest expand now that the binding is gone. They drink some water from the pitcher on their desk to combat both the wine and the dehydration of dancing all night.

Once they are hydrated and their body is feeling relaxed Alex drops into bed to sleep away the morning.

* * *

After the party Roaming Star spends a full three days in Bilbao. The crew split their time between repairing the damaged ship and stocking up for their long journey ahead - and spending time in the village and the city proper further off, relaxing and enjoying themselves in the face of the threat over the open ocean.

No one requests Alex grant them shore leave. No one decides not to join the trip across the Atlantic.

Part of Alex is frustrated by this, that the crew are all seemingly okay with putting their lives at risk.

But part of Alex is also comforted by this, that everyone is loyal and willing to do what needs to be done. No one is abandoning Alex.

It rains off and on the first two days in Spain - nothing like the downpour they experienced in France but enough to delay the repairs and have everyone grumbling about having to work in the damp.

Alex catches word that Maggie does decide to write to her brother, though the two don't talk about it outright.

Alex is on uneven ground now. They are trying to give Lucy and Maggie the space to be together so Alex pushes all thoughts and acknowledgements of the night on the grass with Maggie down.

(After Alex brushing her off a few times during their stay in the cove Maggie seems to be content to do the same.)

At all hours of the day Winn and James are either found in the engine room or making the repairs to the turbine, swapping out the parts they need from Paramount's remains and setting aside anything that can be used for scrap.

Alex spends most of their time helping with the external damage to Roaming Star's hull, working with J'onn and the Carpenter to hammer out the hull from the non-direct shot they suffered.

It's decided that when they reach New York another carronade cannon will be added to their arsenal. Another testament to making it out alive after a battle with sky pirates.

Maggie spends most of her time with Lucy - she catches on pretty quick that Alex is brushing off her company, though the few times she confronts Alex about it Alex insists they're just focused on the ship's repairs.

Alex tries not to be too cold to Maggie; it isn't Maggie's fault that Alex forgot themself. Maggie opened up to Alex about her family, shared something painful with Alex, and Alex ruined it by getting swept up in their feelings, for wishing Maggie had been about to kiss them.

It isn't Maggie's fault that Alex is a mess so Alex tries not to be outright rude to her. But they do distance themself from her. They give her excuses to work with Lucy on the repairs, and they send her off with Lucy whenever something needs to be ordered in the city. Lena often goes with them, insisting that she would feel better if Alex let her pay for whatever she can.

Eventually, Alex stops arguing with her. Lena has lots of coin and lots of guilt, and stocking up for a two-week journey isn't cheap. If she insists on paying, Alex will let her.

The morning of the fourth day after the celebration, Roaming Star is deemed sound for flight. James and Winn have made all the repairs they can and have tested the turbine as thoroughly as they can with the ship still in the waters of the cove.

Over the last few days, Lucy and Maggie, as well as M'gann and Vas and J'onn have all gone down to Bilbao proper to order supplies to add to the additional ones Lucy purchased their first afternoon in Spain. The night before James flew the Death Trap down to ensure that all of their purchases would be ready and waiting for them on the docks the next morning.

Most of the village watch as Roaming Star casts off from the water - some from the fishing boats scattered over the waters of the cove or further out in the bay. The rest of the villagers gather on the hill to watch the sight of the giant skyship taking flight before them.

Winn is in the engine room when they cast-off but James is on deck, hovering at the rail and looking down, his entire focus attuned to the newly repaired engine.

The rest of the crew are on deck, all at their stations and ready for Alex and Lucy's commands. Lena stands near the bow with an excited look in her eyes; even in her travels, she's never been on a skyship casting off from the water.

Maggie too looks excited, but she stands at her place with the others, ready to get the ship in the air once more.

On Alex's nod Vasquez takes up a shanty, singing out clearly and crisply, "I've never seen the likes since I've been born! With a big buck sailor with his sea boots on!"

The crew answers with, "When Johnny comes down to Hilo, poor old man!" and everyone on deck shifts into motion.

Vas continues the call-and-answer with the crew; the song carries on and everyone on deck moves in time with the tune, hauling lines and raising sails. Down below in the bridge, Clark starts up the engines and turns the wheel. Roaming Star begins to move slowly through the water, building momentum as the turbines pick up.

The sails are raised and the yards positioned correctly, all in time with Vas' singing, and the canvases jump to life, billowing out to catch the wind. Alex has Clark steer them towards the mouth of the cove as the turbines kick into a higher and higher gear. Controlling the mech on board, Clark begins to angle the turbines down so that their propulsion gradually comes at a forty-five-degree angle instead of from directly behind.

Alex feels it the moment Roaming Star begins to skip over the water - not fully out of the waves, but lifting up and down along the surface as the ship struggles to make the leap into the air.

There's a clanging as Clark forces their turbines into their final position for a water cast-off; they angle straight down and give the ship a completely upwards thrust. Water and steam spray up from below in their wake.

Lucy calls out a quick adjustment to the sails and as the crew hasten to make the change Roaming Star shudders, groans, and then lurches up and into the air. As they begin to climb in altitude water streams down from the ship's hull and the sea below foams and crashes as the ship pulls free of the cove.

The higher they climb as they make their way out of the cove, the smaller the people gathered on the hill to watch them leave become, but Alex can still see them waving and cheering in excitement and awe.

Sailing out of the cove and into the bay, Clark keeps them at a relatively low altitude - there's no sense in reaching their peak when their goal is to sail down the Ría de Nervión and into the sky harbour.

They reach the port and dock for the next few hours while all of their supplies are loaded onto the ship.

When everything is ready and all is set and sound, Roaming Star casts off again. This time for the two-week journey to New York.

* * *

It's like the painful night in Le Havre all over again.

(Yet somehow, this time it hurts even more.)

It's early evening. Alex is coming up from the mess to find something warmer to wear before they begin their shift for evening watch on deck.

Alex enters the corridor that links their cabin with the navigation room and they freeze, breath dying in their chest.

The pair stands together in the shadows. Alex doesn't move, but neither of them has eyes for Alex anyway. They only have eyes for each other. They stand close together, just a breath apart from each other, fingers lightly trailing over hips and arms. Their eyes are soft and their gazes are warm and it makes Alex ache inside.

And then their eyes flicker closed as Alex watches them share a gentle kiss and it feels like time stops. Alex can't look away.

They both pull away sharply, suddenly unsure, but then they share warm smiles and fingers tangle in hair as they kiss again, long and languid and Alex's heart aches. One of them makes a soft happy sound and the kiss deepens, gentle but full of meaning, full of caring for each other.

There are soft sighs and the rustle of fabric as their bodies sink closer to each other and Alex stands frozen watching it unfold.

It shouldn't hurt Alex like this, _it shouldn't_. But it does.

It feels like Alex's heart is made of glass. Cold and still and it would be so easy to shatter right now. One wrong move and everything would come crashing down around them.

Alex longs for the days long past now when things were simpler. Back before lingering touches when it appears no one is watching and stolen kisses in the shadows. Alex longs for the days before envy and jealousy swirled inside them like bitter, black smoke. When seeing the people Alex cares most about be happy didn't make Alex ache inside, didn't leave Alex feeling like their heart was cracked open.

They break apart and Kara gives a shy giggle and leans into Lena's touch, pressing her nose against Lena's collarbone to hide her blush. Lena smiles tenderly and runs her hand through Kara's hair a few times, simply holding her, simply enjoying the moment, before she becomes aware they aren't alone.

When she looks up at Alex her face is serene. Lena isn't embarrassed or defiant at being caught. She looks peaceful, she looks happy, with Kara tucked into her side, and it shows on her face. She looks like Alex seeing them hardly matters now that she's shared her first kiss with Kara.

(That was their first kiss. Of this, Alex has no doubt. The moment felt too soft and sweet to be anything but.)

"Alex," Lena says softly, giving Kara a gentle nudge.

Kara lifts her head and Alex watches as she tries to bite her lip to hold in her bashful smile and fails completely. She looks so radiantly happy.

(Why does seeing this hurt so much?)

"Alex, hey," Kara whispers, and Alex can hear the wonder, the happy daze, in her voice.

It feels like Alex has trespassed on something they shouldn't have, a moment so private it should have been for Lena and Kara alone.

It feels like everyone is experiencing happiness except for Alex, who is trapped in their misery.

It feels like everyone is drifting away from Alex; Lucy has Maggie and Kara has Lena and Alex is left alone in a void of black.

It feels like Alex is left standing still while everyone else is moving forward.

They are trapped behind glass, able to see but not able to find their own comfort amid the swirl of painful emotions.

Because everyone Alex would normally seek comfort from is on the other side of the glass. 

Their mouth feels dry as they go to speak. "Sorry, I..."

Kara sneaks a glance up at Lena before saying sweetly, shyly, "It's okay. We didn't hear you come in."

Lena studies Alex's face and Alex doesn't like how pensive she looks. Alex tenses and Lena frowns and asks, "Is everything okay?"

Nothing feels okay.

Alex feels cold inside.

Alex is envious of their own sister's happiness. Envious that Kara can find what Alex cannot. Envious that Lena seems to become a larger and larger part of Kara's life while Alex hides behind all the walls they've built. Envious that life goes on for everyone else while Alex is stuck, stuck here with this growing ache in their chest, stuck while everyone else moves on in life.

Alex is envious of their own sister's happiness, and that thought alone rips a whole new gash of guilt into Alex's heart. Because Kara deserves to be happy. Alex _shouldn't_ feel envious. But they do. They do and they don't know how to stop, they don't know how to make this feeling go away.

(Alex wishes all of their feelings would just go away. Everything was easier when there were no feelings involved.)

"Alex?" Kara prompts gently when Alex doesn't speak.

They force a smile - they force so many smiles now; when was their last genuine smile? - and shake Kara and Lena's concern off. "Fine, I'm fine. I didn't mean to interrupt." The words feel like ash in their mouth.

Lena's hands drift lazily along the small of Kara's back, fingertips tracing circles there, and it's such an intimate thing to see that Alex has to turn away. Envious pain stings their eyes.

They can brave the cold during their deck watch; they don't need a jacket. Alex can't stand here any longer.

Alex is already closing the hatch behind them as Kara calls out, "Alex, wait!"

Alex doesn't wait.

The sun is dipping down below the horizon and all Alex longs for - in this moment, anyway. Right now Alex longs for many things they didn't use to - is for one of the bottles M'gann has stashed away for Alex and Alex alone.

But it is their turn for deck watch. It is their turn to make sure Roaming Star continues to sail smoothly. It is their turn to keep an eye out for the shark they think could be stalking them.

Drinking away their sorrows will have to wait for when the night grows darker and Alex can't find sleep because the memories of Lucy and Maggie - and now Kara and Lena - kissing haunt them.

Alex feels on edge as they pace the deck. And it feels almost like Alex is always on edge now, is always tense, is always trying to ignore some new source of pain.

(It's exhausting.)

(And it's lonely.)

Lucy finds them, because despite the chasm opening up between Alex and Lucy, despite the pressure being put on their friendship as Alex pulls further and further away, despite all this, Lucy knows Alex.

Maybe if Lucy didn't know Alex this well, it would hurt less.

Lucy - and the cat following in her shadow - join Alex at the prow. Lucy keeps some distance between them, giving Alex space, and it makes Alex ache even more inside. More, because even without any words Lucy always knows when something is bothering Alex. More, because Lucy never used to keep this sort of space between them.

More, because Alex wants nothing more than to make the space disappear. Alex wants their friend back.

But Alex no longer knows how to get their friend back. Not without someone's heart breaking.

(Maggie chose Lucy, so Alex will have to respect that.)

It feels like they are standing an ocean apart now when they are only standing side by side.

They stand quietly together, watching as the cat jumps up onto the tip of the rail, getting himself settled on the bowsprit.

"You're going to fall," Alex tells him, watching ahead, not looking at Lucy.

"No, he's too smart for that." There's a smirk in her voice, but it sounds sad, somehow.

Alex nods their head once, and then they both descend into silence again.

It gets darker out, gets colder out, and it's only when Alex tries to hide a shiver that Lucy speaks again.

"Why aren't you wearing something warmer?"

"I'm fine."

"Mm," Lucy says and Alex can hear the irritation in her voice. Because that is always Alex's answer now. It's the answer Alex has given Lucy every time Lucy's asked recently. Ever since Le Havre Alex has been "fine" no matter how hard Lucy prods.

The silence stretches out again as the stars start to come out overhead and it makes Alex think of Kara.

Which leaves Alex's heart aching all over again. Because Kara has found happiness and Alex should be happy for her, not envious. Because Kara has found happiness and that means Alex will start to lose her.

Alex doesn't want to lose Kara, or Lucy. They don't like this feeling inside. This feeling like they are being left behind.

Lucy shifts, leaning a little further on the rail and Alex can tell she wants to say something but is biting her tongue.

(Lucy never used to bite her tongue.)

Alex takes a slow breath. Lucy knows Alex, Lucy always knows Alex. Maybe, maybe Lucy can help, at least with how they feel after seeing Kara and Lena.

Alex wants their friend back.

"I _was_ going to get something warmer," Alex starts quietly, keeping their eyes focused on the cat instead of on how Lucy is turning to watch them. "But I..."

"Yeah?"

"I, um." Gooseflesh erupts over Alex's skin, but it isn't from the cool evening air. "I walked in on..." They sigh. "Kara and Lena. They were, uh, kissing."

Lucy is quiet for a moment, processing this. When she speaks, Alex can hear the smile in her voice. "It's about time."

Alex sighs.

"What?" Lucy asks. "I know you've noticed them being inseparable lately."

(Lena and Kara aren't the only ones Alex has noticed are inseparable lately.)

(But Alex can't talk about that.)

Lucy goes on, "It's cute. It's gross because she's a Luthor. But they're cute together."

Alex sighs again but continues watching the cat instead of looking at Lucy. "After all this she's still just a Luthor to you?"

"I didn't say that."

"You did."

"I was being flippant. She's good for Kara, even I can see that, Alex."

Alex nods but doesn't answer.

Alex can feel Lucy's stare. They focus on the cat, on how he licks his paw and rubs his face as he grooms himself, and refuses to turn and look at Lucy. Refuses to acknowledge her stare.

The longer Lucy stares the harder Alex grips the rail.

It feels like Lucy can see right into Alex's heart.

Lucy's voice is low when she finally breaks the silence. "You don't think she's good for Kara." It isn't a question. And it feels like there is almost a threat to it. Alex has hardly said anything and already they are in the wrong.

"No, I do."

"Then what's the problem? Because you don't seem happy about this."

Alex doesn't say anything. Because saying something could lead to saying everything and Alex isn't ready for that. Alex is never going to be ready for that.

(Captain first. That means the crew come first. That means Lucy and Maggie's happiness should come first.)

"She's your sister. You should be happy for her."

"I am," Alex snaps, glancing over to glare at her.

"Sure seems like it," Lucy mutters as she turns and walks off.

It says a lot that now one quick snap from Alex is enough to make Lucy turn away. When before one quick snap would be the start of a banter, would be the start of Lucy's sharp wit and snarky comments. Now it's all she needs to end the conversation. One quick snap and it's like Lucy loses all of her energy, all of her fight with Alex.

Alex stands alone at the bowsprit with the cat.

The sky feels so lonely now.

* * *

Their second day of their journey across the Atlantic goes much the same as the first.

Lucy doesn't speak a lot around Alex. She doesn't avoid Alex outright, she still works alongside them. But Alex notices that Lucy doesn't say much of anything to Alex. Which is new; they aren't used to Lucy, who is spunky and quick-witted and never without comment being so quiet.

Alex isn't sure if it's because Lucy is mad at them or if she's just fed up with them.

Neither option makes Alex feel better.

With Maggie, Alex feels on shaky ground. Where it seems like Lucy has given up pushing, where Lucy has decided to just wait out Alex's stubbornness and let Alex come to her, Maggie still tries.

But her tries seem more hesitant now. Her eyes seem regretful every time she looks at Alex. It's like she knows Alex is pulling away, that Alex is no longer comfortable in her presence.

Where Lucy seems nonplused whenever Alex snaps, Maggie seems dejected. It's minute, but she shrinks each time, face hardening behind her mask but eyes betraying her confusion and sadness.

(Alex snaps more and more now. They blame it on the tension of not knowing where Bloody Steed is. Of not knowing if they can make this journey safely and in one piece or not.)

Alex doesn't mean to snap, not at Lucy or Maggie or any other member of the crew. But their heart aches and it feels like they are on the lightest of triggers now, like even the slightest breeze could deliver a fresh crack to their heart. So they have to protect themself the best they can.

And it means snapping at people who keep asking if everything is alright, if Alex wants to talk, if something's happened, if Alex is okay.

Alex is _fine_. They are dealing with their emotions, dealing with their feelings, and they are fine.

(Or they will be, eventually.)

The one person Alex doesn't snap at is Kara. Because Kara is their sister, and as angry as Alex could potentially get with her Alex could never yell at her; their bond runs too deep.

But part of the reason Alex doesn't snap at Kara is that Kara doesn't seem to spend time with Alex anymore. Kara has Lena now. They are over open ocean for the next week and a half; there are no loud, overstimulating and painful sounds of cities below them. Kara can enjoy days and days of freedom of the open air. And she's enjoying them with Lena.

(Which isn't to say she shouldn't. It's just a bitter pill to swallow, no longer being Kara's person.)

The two are always together. Where before they stayed holed up in the navigation room now it seems like Kara and Lena are everywhere together. Kara teaches Lena about the sky and the ship, about her instruments and her calculations. Lena teaches Kara about the world and all the places she's been, the ones Kara has only seen from the sky, never experienced for herself. And by now, Lena's presence on board is something everyone is accustomed to. She may be related to Lex, may be related to the man who could be hunting them at this very moment for what they carry of hers, but she's spent so long on deck now that the crew are starting to see past it.

They no longer associate Lena with the crimes of the Luthors.

The infatuated smile Kara wears whenever she's around Lena may also have something to do with it; it's hard to be wary of anyone that Kara smiles so adoringly at.

M'gann's company is the only one Alex truly looks forward to now. Where J'onn and James offer concerned looks and try to coax Alex to open up, where Winn and Clark resort to laughs and charades to distract Alex from whatever is bothering them, where Vasquez steps up to make sure the ship sails as smoothly as possible to try and ease some of Alex's tension, only M'gann treats Alex the same.

The last few nights - ever since the night in the grass with Maggie - Alex eventually finds their way to the mess.

M'gann will say, "You ready to talk about it?"

Alex will shake their head.

And then M'gann will sigh, offer them a bottle, and go back to cleaning and prepping for the next day's meals.

She limits Alex's alcohol intake; she keeps an eye on their moping and she prevents Alex from becoming self-destructive, but she doesn't push for answers. She doesn't treat Alex any differently.

Alex has no idea if M'gann knows what Alex is hiding or not. Very few things get past the Cook; there are no secrets with her. If she does know - that Alex has feelings for Maggie, that Maggie is secretly with Lucy, that Alex is envious of Lucy - she doesn't let on.

Like Lucy, M'gann waits for Alex to come out with it on their own. But unlike Lucy, M'gann doesn't seem to be deterred by Alex's sullen attitude as of late.

Though, M'gann isn't the one Alex is envious of. M'gann isn't the one Alex is trying to distance themself from. M'gann isn't the one Alex snaps at most often.

That position is reserved for Lucy. And it hurts, but Alex finds they can't help it.

It's either let their heart cave in more and more every time they see Lucy and Maggie together - sharing secrets, laughs, and gentle touches - or build a wall around it.

It comes down to their own pain, or Lucy's.

And Alex may be the Captain, the crew will always come first, but self-preservation is an instinct even Alex can't fight.

* * *

That evening, Winn opens with, "We have a problem," and Alex looks up at the ceiling for a long moment, trying to collect the surge of emotions that always come raging to the surface when the Engineer says _we have a problem_.

When they look down and back at him, he looks sheepish. But there is a glint in his eyes that Alex recognizes, a glint that says he knows what he's talking about and he has the facts to back it up.

"What's the problem?"

"The starboard turbine and engine," James says, using a rag to wipe the grease off his good hand as he sits down next to Alex.

Alex sets their fork down. J'onn and Lucy look up from where they sit at the other side of the table.

Winn drops down heavily into the free seat next to J'onn. There's a grease stain on his forehead over his bad eye. His tinker's goggles are resting atop his hair.

Alex looks at James. "The turbine you replaced? The one you took from Paramount?"

Where Winn looks sheepish, reserved almost, James has a tension on his face that Alex doesn't see often. It's the one that means James isn't pleased, but that things aren't dire yet.

(It's the one that also means his stump is hurting from overworking it.)

James nods at the question, rubbing a hand over the back of his head. "The turbine itself is fine, we got lucky there. That wasn't what brought Paramount down. The pieces we replaced from the dead ship were sound... sound enough, anyway."

"Sound enough?" J'onn repeats.

James shrugs. "We made do. Our turbine took a lot of damage but the one we took from Paramount wasn't perfect. Winn and I have everything fitted as best we can. But once we hit New York I want to shop around and see if there's anything better I can find. What we have should last us to America but I'm not satisfied it will last us years."

"That doesn't sound as confident as I would like," J'onn says, "but doesn't sound like a huge problem?"

Winn takes over. "The damage we took from the hit, it... it wasn't contained to just the turbine. The starboard engine is okay, right now, but, uh... I don't know how long it will last as it is. There was back-blow down the piping to the engine room when the turbine was hit. The starboard turning gear is... making us nervous."

"And you didn't think to check that while we were in Bilbao?" Alex snaps.

Winn ducks his head apologetically.

James sighs. "Of course we did, Alex."

"It's not something you can really see when we're at a standstill. It wasn't a problem until we were flying again," Winn adds. "We were as thorough as we could be, but, well, it slipped past."

"Slipped past is not what I want to hear right now," Alex grits out.

J'onn looks between everyone at the table. "Is there anything you can do for it?"

James shrugs helplessly. "Aside from keeping an eye on it and making tweaks and adjustments where we can? Not really. It's... it's a mech thing, it's hard to explain. It isn't broken enough yet, so there isn't a lot we can do."

"It isn't broken enough _yet_ ," Alex repeats. Their fingertips grip at the edge of the table, trying to push the tension out of their body and into the wood instead, trying not to get angry with their friends, who are only doing their jobs.

"No," Winn agrees. "And until it truly breaks, we won't be able to know the heart of the problem. For now, uh, for now, it's a waiting game."

Alex's eyes are hard when they glare at Winn. "That's not a game I want to play right now."

"Alex, I know, but," he shakes his head, "there isn't a whole lot we can do right now."

Lucy speaks up for the first time. "Will it delay us reaching New York?" She sounds tired. Alex notices that Lucy hasn't really eaten, she's just been moving things around on her plate while James and Winn speak.

Winn and James share a look across the table, confirming and weighing their options through silent conversation. "It, it shouldn't," Winn eventually says.

Alex snorts and mutters, "That's reassuring."

Winn shrinks in on himself.

"Look, Alex, Winn and I will do all we can. You deserve to know how the ship is sailing and we're being honest with you. It isn't a large problem yet but we'll all feel better once we reach America."

Alex focuses on Winn as they say, "I guess the sooner we reach America, the better." Alex doesn't look away; they force their look, their meaning, directly onto Winn.

Winn shrinks further in on himself and breaks eye contact first, looking at his plate.

Alex glances at James. "Well? The sooner we hit New York, the sooner the two of you can fix this. So, get us there sooner."

"Alex, we're making good time right now," James argues. "We'll be there in-"

"We don't know were Lex is," Alex cuts in. "We assume he's somewhere in Europe, but we have no way of knowing. Plenty of ships try to cross the Atlantic and never make it. We all know why. The faster this trip... the faster we can get Lena off-board and get her plans safe, the better for all of us. We're making decent time, but we all know Roaming Star can go faster."

"Alex," Winn starts, "Alex, I'm not... you want us at full steam for the entire trip? That's a long time."

Alex suppresses rolling their eyes. "That would get us across faster, would it not?"

"Yeah, but it would also stress the turbine and the engine. Which could make the problem worse and it would leave us stranded over the ocean."

"You don't know that, Winn," J'onn says gently. "You've said yourself, there are elements that you don't know. But Alex is right, the faster this trip goes, the sooner you and James can get to New York. There, you'll have the proper time to diagnose what's wrong with the ship and gather the parts you need. We didn't have that in Bilbao."

"Alex," James says carefully. "I don't know if the ship can handle full steam for that long. That's two weeks with the engines at maximum."

"It'll shave a day or two off if we do it right. That's always been our game. Roaming Star is fast; the ship can handle this."

Winn shakes his head. "Alex. Alex, we'd be pushing our luck. Out here, on the open ocean, we've got strong wind currents-"

"Which we will use to our advantage," J'onn says, his voice strong and reassuring for everyone at the table. "Alex isn't saying to ignore the wind. Just to use everything we have to our advantage, which includes some of the best skyship mech ever build, even if it is Lord Mech. Roaming Star is a sturdy ship, and we all trust both of you to let us know if things start to take a turn for the worst. But for now, I agree that swift is our best course of action."

Alex feels some of their tension leave them knowing that J'onn agrees. Alex may be the Captain but J'onn has two decades of experience. Knowing he agrees brings some relief.

Alex looks at Lucy, seeking reassurance from her as well, but Lucy won't meet their eyes. She keeps her focus downward on her uneaten dinner.

And that means either one of two things. The first is that Lucy agrees with Alex but is feeling the tension in the room and opting not to get involved. Or, she disagrees with Alex but is deliberately choosing not to say so in front of the crew.

Both of these go against everything Alex knows about Lucy. Lucy always speaks her mind. Lucy's job is to fight back and challenge Alex, not to stay quiet.

There's a heavy stone of regret sitting in Alex's chest and it seems to grow larger and larger every day. It's a constant reminder that although pushing Lucy away is the necessary thing to do - because Lucy deserves to be happy with Maggie and not be weighted down by Alex's own feelings for Maggie - it isn't always the easiest thing to do.

"Look," Winn reasons. "We can, we can try full steam for a little while, okay? But I don't like this. I think it will only add stress and make the problem worse. And out here? I don't have the resources I need to fix a problem that serious."

Alex's eyes snap to Winn's. " _Your job_ ," they say harshly, "isn't to fix the ship." They nod towards James. "His is. _Your job_ , Winn, is to keep the ship from breaking in the first place. And if you did your job properly, then there would be nothing to fix right now, would there?"

"This isn't a solution," Winn argues. "This isn't even a bandage. This is picking at a scab. I don't like it."

"You don't have to like it," Alex says, their voice raising. They can tell J'onn is trying to get their attention, is trying to diffuse the situation, but they ignore him and focus on Winn. "You just need to do your job and get us to New York in one piece."

Lucy's foot finds Alex's under the table. The toe of her boot presses down firmly on Alex's, a warning to stop now before they start yelling at Winn outright.

Alex jerks their foot away and glares at her and Lucy finally looks up at Alex. Her eyes are void, empty, in a way Alex has never seen before. It's unsettling, but Alex's anger is still hot and pressing against the surface so they burst out, "Something you want to say? You're supposed to be my second. I would have thought you'd have an opinion on this. Aren't you supposed to be worried about everyone's safety?"

"Alex," J'onn scolds but Alex ignores him.

"Really," they insist to Lucy. "You have something to say?"

Lucy looks at Alex for long, drawn-out seconds. Her face is devoid of expression, completely unreadable. "I've been asking you the same thing for days now," is what she finally sighs out. Her eyes are blank, the touch of her boot was harsh, but her words are soft and Alex doesn't understand how to interpret any of this.

What Alex does understand is that Lucy's words trigger the release of Alex's anger. All they can picture is Lucy touching Maggie, Lucy whispering to Maggie, Lucy kissing Maggie. Memories from the last few days come surging towards the surface and with them, all the pain and envy Alex has been trying to push down.

Alex feels overwhelmed, and all they can think right now is that they need air, they need space, before they say something they regret.

Shoving their chair back Alex gets up from the table. They pause, looking between James and Winn meaningfully. "Full steam," they tell the two of them, leaving no room for argument.

Alex storms from the room.

Some part of Alex expects J'onn to follow them, to chastise Alex for their behaviour. To remind Alex that even if they are right - and they are, J'onn agreed with Alex's plan - they still need to respect the opinions of the rest of the crew. To remind Alex that they can't lead with an iron fist, not with their family. That isn't the way to treat family.

But, of course, it's Lucy who follows them.

Alex seeks out the silence of the Gundeck and Lucy slips in after them. It's after dusk now; no light shines through the gun ports, but neither of them taps the brass. They leave the cabin in shadows.

 Lucy stands in the middle of the room, arms crossed, while Alex paces the dark deck.

"You were unusually quiet back there," Alex bites out when it becomes apparent Lucy isn't going to say anything.

Lucy gives a false chuckle. "Don't mistake my being calm for my being okay with how you behaved. You didn't need to yell at them."

"I didn't-"

"No," Lucy interrupts. She stands tall, feet braced and eyes watching Alex's pacing with an intensity, a calculating look that sets Alex on edge. "Don't bother. Your excuses aren't really what I want to hear right now."

Alex huffs and begins another lap across the deck. "You don't think we should push the engines."

"I think a lot of things, Alex. But like you said to Winn, we each have our jobs. _You're_ the Captain. In the end, yours is the decision I have to follow, regardless of how I feel."

Alex throws their hands up into the air in exasperation. "So you don't agree with me?"

Lucy stays calm and somehow it makes Alex feel even tenser. "I think," Lucy says carefully, "that we're in a tough place and that there aren't a lot of good options. Do I think your idea is the best solution to our problem? No, I don't. But it's all we've got, and I can support that. But what I can't support," she stresses, "is you yelling at Winn like that."

"I wasn't yelling."

"Alex."

"I wasn't yelling," they insist.

"Keep telling yourself that, Al? And you'll push everyone away."

Alex ignores her and continues pacing. They make another four full laps before Lucy speaks again. "You want to talk about it yet?"

They know exactly what she means.

But they know they cannot tell Lucy what's been bothering them. Lucy and Maggie deserve their happiness; they don't deserve to have their feelings clouded by Alex's. Alex will get over this, they just need time.

"Nothing to talk about. I'm fine."

Lucy sighs. "You know you don't need to talk about it with me, right? You can... you know you can always come to me, Alex. Always. But," she pauses and Alex can hear the pain and regret in her voice, "if it isn't me you can go to, then know that you need to go to someone. Because you're going to destroy yourself holding this, whatever it is, inside you."

"I said, I'm fine."

"And I've known you long enough to know that isn't true. Give me some credit."

On Alex's next pass, Lucy reaches out and takes their arm, stilling them. She doesn't say anything, she just looks long and hard at Alex, studying them.

It feels like too much. It feels like Lucy sees too much, knows too much. Lucy's look makes Alex feel vulnerable, like everything is on display; like if she tried hard enough Lucy could see right into Alex's heart.

Alex shrugs out of her grasp and leaves the room.

* * *

Early the next morning, Alex is hardly awake and has only just sat down in the mess when J'onn finds them.

He sits down and looks at Alex, his face hard.

Alex tries to stare back, to stare him down, but J'onn's eyes are firm. His disapproval of Alex, his disappointment in Alex, is clear.

Alex glances away.

(It's the disappointment that stings. Because even without words, J'onn is right.)

J'onn doesn't need to say anything; the look on his face is enough. Alex knows they went too far yesterday, yelling and demanding Winn and James do as they say. Using their command of the ship as a way to force their friends to do something they didn't support.

But even though he doesn't need to say anything, J'onn does. And he says exactly what Alex doesn't want to hear.

That Alex has a responsibility to make sure all of the crew are heard, that Alex needs to respect the crew or they won't respect Alex, that Winn was only doing his job.

Alex feels miserable before the conversation even ends.

And yet, somehow, the end of the morning still sees Alex yelling at Winn again.

* * *

Roaming Star is charging forward at full steam, which is what Alex wanted.

But it doesn't feel right. Getting what they wanted somehow makes Alex feel even worse.

Winn avoids Alex the rest of the day.

And with him is Kara.

It's the first time in a long while that Kara doesn't speak to them. Alex wants to believe it's because she is busy with Lena - which isn't exactly a better option. It stings, the feeling that Lena's become Kara's person now - but Alex knows it's because Kara's upset with them for yelling at Winn.

Alex isn't mad at Winn, not really. But it's easier to focus their anger on something outward and solid - like the engines - instead of inward on their feelings.

As usual, Alex also avoids any close interactions with Maggie and Lucy. But the two seem too involved with each other's company that they hardly notice.

Night three on their journey across the Atlantic sees Alex in the same place they've been since landing in Bilbao. In the mess with a drink and M'gann's silent and watchful gaze.

As is her usual now, M'gann asks, "You ready to talk about it?"

Alex can't deny that there is an it to discuss.

But this time, instead of offering Alex the bottle and walking away when Alex shakes their head, M'gann sets the bottle on the table and then sits down across from Alex.

Snatching the bottle, Alex takes a long drink, hoping to numb themself to whatever it is M'gann is going to say.

When they set the drink down M'gann begins. "You know, not a lot gets past me."

Alex's stomach drops.

"People come into my mess and this is the place they get to be themselves. Everyone gets to be themself on this ship, but they still have a job to do on deck. Down here? This is the free space, to laugh and enjoy each other's company. The crew are happy when they come down here and I get to see that every day."

Alex avoids eye contact while M'gann speaks. They have no idea where this conversation is going, but it feels big, it feels larger than Alex. The urge to squirm in their seat is a pressing feeling that only grows as M'gann continues.

"And since the crew are freer when they're down here I see a lot. You and Lucy and J'onn have your own ways of seeing the crew, of hearing and learning them. Me? I watch them. I watch, and I listen, and I learn things about the people I sail with, about the people I care about."

It's here M'gann reaches across the table and takes Alex's hand. Alex stares, focus caught watching the way M'gann's hand covers their own. M'gann's hands are strong and worn, but there's a warmth there, a deep kindness in the gesture that has Alex's eyes suddenly pricking.

"Alex?"

It takes a count of eight before Alex drags their gaze up to meet M'gann's.

"Not a lot of things get past me." She pauses, squeezing Alex's hand, and then goes on. "Lucy's good. Lucy knows how to read people, how to interact with them and lead them into talking in a way most people don't know how. It comes with her background; instead of learning how to be a statue, being a debutant taught her how to influence people. Lucy knows how to read body language and facial expressions, and Lucy knows how to direct a conversation so she gets what she wants."

Hardly breathing, Alex holds very still. They still aren't sure where M'gann is going with this, but they can feel the nervous energy inside themself building, like a lightning storm before it finds a place to strike. They look into M'gann's dark eyes and only see kindness.

But that kindness only serves to make Alex more anxious.

"But I'm not Lucy. I don't subtly shape people and conversations. I cook, I watch, and I listen. There aren't a lot of secrets that can be kept from me, Alex."

Alex focuses on their heartbeat, on willing it to slow. Alex focuses on pushing everything down, down, down where M'gann can't see.

Alex doesn't want these feelings. They can see how happy Lucy and Maggie are together. The two of them deserve to be happy. Lucy is Alex's best friend.

Lucy is Alex's _best friend_ and Alex refuses to ruin that.

Alex may be pushing Lucy away, but Alex refuses to ruin Lucy's happiness.

So Alex pulls up as many walls as they can, pushes back against M'gann's steady gaze, trying to hide away all that they feel into a place even M'gann's empathy can't reach.

If they don't talk about this, then it isn't real.

If they don't talk about this, then Alex doesn't need to admit how much their heart aches.

If they don't talk about this, then no one else gets hurt.

If they don't talk about this, then, eventually, Alex will be able to move on.

M'gann watches Alex's face as she says, "But you're keeping a secret, Alex. I can see it eating away at you." Alex glances away and M'gann squeezes their hand. "No, Al, look at me."

Alex sucks in a quick breath and looks back at her. Their leg starts shaking under the table, foot tapping out a nervous rhythm.

"Alex, I can't tell you what to do. Whatever this is, this thing you're hiding, it's your business. And that's okay. I want you to know that. You don't have to share it with anyone." M'gann wears a sad look as she speaks, like she's regretful she doesn't know what Alex is hiding, like she doesn't know what to do to help further. Her lips are turned down, but it's in her eyes that Alex can see the frown. "But you know better than most that this ship isn't a place of judgement. There are so many people here who love you and care about you; people who would help you carry this secret."

Alex presses the heel of the hand M'gann isn't holding against the corner of their eye, willing the tears back.

"My advice though?" And her voice is slightly sharper here, like she wants Alex to listen, to hear this, more so than anything else she's said. "Talk to someone, Alex. Because whatever this is, it's hurting you, and it's hurting the crew. And we're in a place right now where we can't afford that."

"I can't," Alex whispers.

And it's the first time they've spoken since they've sat down.

And it's the first time they've admitted out loud that there is something they're holding in.

M'gann studies Alex for a moment longer, searching them. She bites her lip for a moment, letting out a small sigh. Then she nods and stands up from the table. Before she walks away, she says, "The weight gets easier to carry if you share it."

And then she's gone, back to the galley to start on tomorrow's meal preparations.

Alex drinks the rest of the bottle in silence.

* * *

Alex hardly sleeps that night. They stay up pacing the deck well past dawn.

The deck is peaceful as the sun rises. There's no tension here. Not in the way the sunlight slowly creeps along the wood at Alex's feet, warming up and over their shoulders as it rises at their back. Not in the way the water below and the sky far, far in the distance blend into one seamless wash of grey in the early morning light. Not in the way the ship rocks and sways steadily as it continues moving forward on its journey. Not in the way the sails ripple as the wind rushes past.

Alex stands in the silence around them and they feel alone surrounded by the vastness of the sky.

Alex feels alone, but not lonely.

Morning continues to grow and slowly the ship and the crew begin to wake. Alex stays quiet, removed but watching, as the tasks for the morning begin.

Alex doesn't feel lonely. That is until Lucy approaches, and then suddenly it is like a chilled wave washes over. It starts somewhere near their navel and quickly rocks upwards, a cold reality dousing over their head. It leaves Alex's skin tingling and their lungs breathless for a moment.

They can feel the shame from yesterday - from yelling at Winn and James, from pulling further and further away from Lucy - settle inside them. The icy stone of regret in Alex's chest feels larger as they watch Lucy make her way towards them.

It's not just that Alex doesn't stand on even ground with Lucy anymore. Now, the two stand in completely different places. There is a thickness, something like a misty fog, that stretches between them, that blocks them from reaching each other. It makes it easier to pull away from Lucy. It makes it easier for Alex to push their feelings down the more the two seem to grow apart.

But it reminds Alex of what they're pushing away.

It reminds Alex of how lonely the sky is without the people closest to them.

When she gets closer Alex can see Lucy's eyes are soft, like she's still waking up. She moves delicately but not hesitantly towards Alex. Which is still something; she isn't afraid to come near Alex.

(Yet.)

"Hey," Lucy says when she stands close to Alex. Together, they both turn to lean over the side rail, watching the sky and the ocean laid out before them.

Like the other day, though, there is still a careful distance kept between them where they stand. The closeness of before is fractured now, gossamer and hardly there.

They are still crewmates, but it suddenly comes to Alex: are the two of them still friends?

"Can we talk?"

Alex glances at Lucy carefully. "Sure."

"It's about Maggie."

The chill inside spreads into Alex's lungs, spider-webbing outward through their chest. It isn't painful to breathe, not exactly, but it feels like it weighs Alex down. It takes a little more effort to draw in a breath. It takes a little more effort to pretend like Lucy's words don't affect them.

There is a pregnant pause as Lucy's fingers twitch along the rail.

Alex waits, unsure what's about to happen. The energy Lucy is giving off is hard to read.

(Hard to read where it didn't use to be, now that they've pulled away from each other.)

Lucy doesn't seem nervous or hesitant, she doesn't seem afraid to speak to Alex, she just seems reserved. She holds a soft confidence, like she isn't sure how Alex will react to what she's going to say, but that she's still going to say it, she won't hold back.

And suddenly Alex is terrified Lucy is going to admit to what she and Maggie have been hiding from the crew, the thing they don't know Alex knows.

Alex looks away from Lucy for a moment, focuses down at their boots on the deck and breathes through the dread.

Alex is the Captain.

Alex is Lucy's best friend.

Alex can do this. Alex will be strong and supportive even if it hurts because that's what Lucy deserves.

"She's been with us for three weeks now," Lucy starts, looking out at the open air before them. "I... I was thinking we should do something for her. To celebrate."

Alex's entire body sags in relief and they clutch at the rail to keep steady; it feels like their knees might give out.

(Lucy isn't confiding in Alex yet. Alex still has time to push their feelings down. Alex still has time to try and mend what they've broken between themself and Lucy.)

"What?" Lucy asks, reading Alex's movements. Her brow furrows as she watches Alex closely.

Alex takes another breath and then manages to say, "I just... I didn't realize she'd been with us so long already."

Lucy looks quizzically at Alex, frowning a little harder. Like she thinks Alex is lying but isn't sure why. She decides not to challenge it though and instead goes on, "We were thinking we could do something for her once we reach New York, after she's been with us for a full month. But since things have been a little..." she glances away from Alex, back out over the water. "Tense, right now. We thought... it might be nice."

"It's really been three weeks?" Alex asks softly.

"Twenty-one days since Lisbon."

Twenty-one days. Twenty-one days for Alex to develop feelings, realize them, and then have everything come crashing down around them. Twenty-one days to realize that Maggie is someone Alex wants desperately to learn more about, but also to realize that learning any more about Maggie only makes them ache inside because Maggie doesn't want them like that.

Maggie chose Lucy. And it hurts because Alex thought there was something between them. But Alex won't stand in the way.

They realize they've been silent for too long. Lucy is staring at them too intently. Their words rush out hastily, stumbling to fill the pause, "I, uh, I think it's a great idea. Who, um, who's we?"

"Oh," Lucy smiles in something that, to Alex, looks a lot like relief. "I was talking with Vas and James and M'gann about it."

"Ah."

That should be something they talk about _with_ Alex. But given everything that's happened lately, Alex isn't surprised.

If anything, Alex is surprised Lucy is even coming to them at all.

"Are you..." Lucy's face twists like she's tasting something bitter but is trying to ignore it. "Okay? If we do something for Maggie?"

"Of course."

"Nothing big," Lucy assures. "Maggie isn't someone who wants a lot of attention on herself. But I think the whole crew could use it after..." Her words hang but the meaning is clear. After the tension of the last few days, after Alex and Winn's fight.

Alex swallows but forces themself to nod. "I think it's a great idea, Lucy. I do. I'm-"

(-glad Maggie has you to look out for her.)

Lucy waits for more, but when Alex stays silent, Lucy gives a hesitant smile. "So, you'll help me keep her above deck today?" She looks hopeful. Alex can see the way her eyes light up as she works through her plans in her head. "Keep her out of the mess so M'gann can make something for her?"

"Of course," Alex says again.

Lucy's eyes dim at that. She gives Alex a strange look, one Alex can't understand, and then says, "I just want her to feel like she belongs here."

Alex isn't sure what else to say, so eventually, what comes out is, "Right."

Lucy sighs and looks away. "You could at least show some enthusiasm," she mutters to herself.

But Alex still hears it. "What?"

"Look," she says, focusing back on Alex. Alex didn't realise they were doing it, but somehow they've riled her up, they can see it in the strength of the gaze she levels Alex with. "If you don't think it's a good idea, then just tell me, Alex. Don't pretend you're okay with it."

Suddenly Alex isn't sure if they're talking about doing something for Maggie anymore.

"I... I am okay with it, Lucy. I think it's a good idea, I do."

"I get that," Lucy gestures vaguely towards Alex, "something's up with you and that you don't want to talk about it. But I think the crew need this. Maggie needs this. We all do."

"I'm not disagreeing with you."

"Yeah. But Alex," Lucy sighs, "you don't sound like you're agreeing either."

Alex rocks back on their feet for a second, about to defend themself, about to argue with Lucy. But they realize that Lucy isn't wrong. Alex isn't sure how they feel about this. Alex... Alex doesn't really feel anything about this. It's a good idea, Maggie should know she is part of this crew. But the idea of a celebration doesn't exactly excite Alex.

A celebration now feels false. They've left Lex behind them in Europe, but have no way of knowing if he's pursuing them or not. They've already attacked one of the ships in Lex's fleet and killed three of his men. Just because they don't think Bloody Steed - Lex's warhead - is near, doesn't mean the other ships in his fleet aren't watching the crossing over the Atlantic.

Roaming Star is racing to New York as fast as the engines will take them. But celebrating now - even though it would be for Maggie, it wouldn't be about Lex - it still feels like a false victory.

Even though it wouldn't be about Lex, it would still be about Lex.

Alex has taken too long to say something in response, to somehow convince Lucy that they are agreeing with her that this is a good idea.

Reading the look on Alex's face Lucy's shoulders drop and her face settles into a carefully blank mask. "Al, you don't have to tell me what's bothering you right now. I get that, whatever it is, you're still figuring it out."

Alex watches as Lucy bites down on her lip for a moment to hold back a frown. She gives her head a helpless shake and goes on, "Even though you know that you... you can talk to me about anything, I'm trying to give you space. I am. I'll be here when you want to talk. I'm not, I'm not trying to force this on you."

She gives Alex a searching look, and then a look of steely resolve morphs over Lucy's face. She's been defeated in trying to win Alex over on her idea, but it isn't stopping her. It's her calculating, determined look she wears when they are faced with a challenge on a voyage.

It's the look she wears when she stops being Lucy and fully becomes the Chief Mate.

"The crew need this as a distraction from the tension the last few days. Everyone's been on edge since Spain. Bilbao was a nice diversion, but it doesn't take away from the fact that we were boarded by pirates. That we killed pirates. And that we're probably being hunted by pirates right now. Everyone needs this. And Maggie's still new enough that it's a good excuse for everyone to relax." She shakes her head at Alex in something like a warning. "So just, try not to ruin tonight, okay?"

She doesn't say it particularly gently. It doesn't sound like she's asking. There's an order laced with her words, a twitch of anger.

"Lucy-"

"It's fine, Alex." Lucy waves them off and steps away from the rail. "But try not to take too long figuring out whatever this thing is or you'll push everyone away in the process." She turns to go but looks back and says, "Just keep Maggie out of the mess today."

She walks away and Alex wonders when missing a chance with Maggie turned into losing their best friend.

* * *

Alex does try that evening. They manage to keep Maggie on the main deck and out of the mess for the day. Lucy spends the majority of the day with Alex and Maggie, but she does disappear every little while, flitting between deck levels making sure everything is going okay.

Maggie seems to catch on pretty quick that everyone is trying to keep her from going below. After the first few times someone intercepts her she plays along, letting the other crewmembers take care of any jobs that need to be done on the lower decks and letting Winn insist he bring lunch up to her.

She looks baffled and Alex's heart squeezes, seeing the amusement and growing confusion on her face. She smiles, dimples and all, but her brow furrows, trying to determine the reason for the secrecy. She asks Alex only once what's going on, and Alex laughs and gives a distracted half-answer before changing the subject.

Maggie rolls her eyes but continues to play along.

When evening comes Alex and James walk Maggie down below.

Most of the crew are already seated when the three enter the mess. They start laughing and clapping and cheering when Maggie enters.

Maggie starts immediately, pulling back and bumping into Alex in her surprise. "What's going on?"

Alex lays a comforting hand on her back and attempts to steer Maggie further into the room. "The crew wanted to throw a party for you."

"Why? What," she resists for a moment before taking a hesitant step into the cabin, letting Alex guide her. "What did I do?"

"You joined the best crew there is in the sky," James laughs from Maggie's other side.

Lucy stands and walks towards them and Alex's hand falls away immediately. "You've been with us for three weeks now, we thought we'd have a little celebration."

Maggie's entire demeanour changes, growing soft and shy. "Luce, you didn't have to do that."

"'Course I did," Lucy boasts before grabbing Maggie's hand and leading her over to one of the tables.

Alex is already a half-step away, intent on standing near one of the walls and blending into the background, but James snags them with his mech arm, looping Alex's over his, and walking them over to the tables.

"It's a party," he says as they walk over, his voice a low rumble in Alex's ear that no one else can hear. "You don't have to hide in the background."

They sit down at one of the free tables, Alex wedging themself in so that the wall is at their back. As James squeezes in next to them, Alex whispers, "I'm sorry, for yelling at you and Winn."

He smiles warmly. "I know you are."

He smiles warmly and it makes something pinch inside Alex, like he doesn't grasp how much Alex means it, how much Alex hates yelling at their family. "No, I'm-"

"Alex," he says quietly, nudging their shoulder. "You're fine. Just enjoy tonight. The point of the party is to forget about the last few days, not stress over them."

Alex nods at this and tries to put on a smile for the evening.

(At times it feels false.)

M'gann has cooked up a feast, blending the traditional American dishes she knows best with the hearty foods Maggie would have grown up with. She and Vasquez bring out numerous platters and scatter them over the tables, allowing everyone to serve themselves instead of at her counter. There are fish and pork dishes, soups and stews, sausages and clams, and root and green vegetables.

It smells amazing, and no one hesitates in starting on the food. Everyone starts talking and laughing as arms reach across tables and plates and platters are passed around.

(There are fried pork fritters that suspiciously disappear the moment they are waved under Kara's nose.)

Lucy and Maggie are sitting at the next table over; Maggie being the guest of honour has been situated in the centre of the cluster of tables. She laughs and talks with everyone around her, but she stays close to Lucy the entire time.

Alex tries not to watch them.

Lena and Kara and Winn all sit on the far side of the room laughing and joking with each other. Kara smiles brightly, head swivelling back and forth as she watches the other two engage in what must be a conversation about mech.

J'onn and Clark were already sitting down at the table James chose for himself and Alex, and the group settle into easy conversation. Alex doesn't speak much, and they focus a little more on their wine than on their food. But they are grateful the conversation around them doesn't feel terribly forced.

Even the cat joins the celebration, sitting tall and proud on Lucy's lap and watching the food intently. M'gann yells and throws a roll at him when he places a paw on the table, as if he's about to climb up and walk among the dishes.

The cat promptly eats the roll thrown at him.

When the meal is finished and the dishes cleared away, most of the crew help push the tables against the far wall of the mess, clearing a space for dancing. Alex is surprised by this, but Lucy and James seem to be in charge and the rest of the crew follow their directions easily.

The last time they did something like this - dancing onboard the ship - was after the sky battle near Rome almost two years ago. They had made it safely to the harbour for rest and repairs but the following evening had seen the crew celebrating in the mess. They were all still too excited but weary from the pirate attack to want to seek out an alehouse in public. Instead, they had stayed on deck for something more close-knit, to celebrate as a family. Together and away from prying eyes. The night had lead to dancing and singing to celebrate that they were all still alive, and Lucy's unanimous appointment as Chief Mate.

It's been a long time since they danced on deck, so Alex is taken off-guard by how quickly the crew embrace the idea and rush to clear a space.

Vas gets out her new guitar, the one she impulsively purchased in Bilbao after the night on the hill. The instrument is brassy and gleams with polish, and has gears and knobs and dials along the body of the instrument that adjust the pitch and note of the music being played.

As Vasquez tunes the strings M'gann brings out the desserts she's made, setting out cookie cakes, custard tarts, and sweet rice pudding on the tables at the far wall. The crewmembers drift over during the rest of the evening to snack on them, though Kara runs up to the dessert tables immediately.

The dancing starts - Winn sweeps up M'gann as soon as she sets the last tray down and she laughs as he drags her into the beginnings of the first song. Kara has a tart in each hand but Clark takes her arm anyway and leads her onto the small dance floor; she almost drops her desserts when he steps on her foot the first time.

With the music playing, Vas' voice singing, and the crew all laughing and dancing everything feels happy and light.

But also false.

Alex lets themself blend into the far corner of the room, watching the dancing from afar. They see Lena, who sits stiffly in her chair as she fondly watches Kara and the others dance and swing to the music Vasquez creates. Lena smiles, but her eyes are hard and her hands fidget with the folds of her dress. The light atmosphere isn't enough to fool her.

It isn't enough to fool Maggie either, though Maggie tries her best to hide it. Alex can see the sadness on her face as James and Lucy drag her into the fun. There's a false cheeriness in her movements, like her happiness falls short due to the tension from the days past and the fear of what's waiting for them over the long journey across the ocean. She knows everyone is putting on the show for her, but as the night drags on Alex can see it gets harder for Maggie to keep up the charade.

Alex stays where they are, hiding in the corner and not partaking in the fun happening around them. It's hard to be cheerful at a time like this. Instead, depression and cold reluctance wrap around them as they watch their friends create an atmosphere of false hope and cheer for the night.

Maggie catches Alex's eye a few times over the course of the evening. Each time she does, her smile breaks a little further.

It feels to Alex like they've missed something, like they too are out on the dance floor, sweeping through the practised motions but somehow they've missed a few steps and are trapped a few beats behind everyone else. Maggie's eyes, guarded and a little sad each time she meets Alex's gaze, tell Alex that they've missed something important. They haven't yelled at Maggie the way they yelled at Winn, but it still feels like they have. Maggie's eyes fill Alex with regret.

Lucy doesn't look at Alex the entire night.

Neither does Winn, and Kara is too swept up in coaxing Lena to dance with her to pay much attention to Alex.

Alex slips away unnoticed, turning in to bed early while the dancing carries on. The dancing, but not the happiness. Everyone in the mess may look and act cheerful, but they all know the trip across the Atlantic will last a long time, and that danger could be waiting for them on the horizon.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please trust me, okay? I have a plan. We all know Alex needs to talk about their feelings. Things just need to reach the boiling point first.


	9. The Atlantic Part 3 - Early Black

The next morning begins like any other.

Alex throws themself into leading the crew, into pushing the ship to make the best time it can. They interact with everyone but somehow Alex feels removed. It seems more like they are watching the crew go about their tasks and not truly part of the work on deck.

They interact with Maggie, Lucy, and Winn the way they normally would but Alex feels hyperaware of each interaction. They take note of how each time Winn's eyes catch their own he quickly glances away. They see how Lucy's face is carefully blank each time she speaks to Alex, giving away nothing. And how Maggie regards Alex with sad eyes and seems to keep her distance.

Despite all this, the crew seem in good spirits and Alex reluctantly admits to themself that the party for Maggie last night does seem to have improved everyone's mood.

That changes by mid-afternoon.

The Topsman's voice rings out from above. "Flare, off the starboard stern!"

As one, Alex and the crew turn to look.

A single flare shines, arcing up and up before reaching its peak and beginning to drop down. A red spark across the blue, blue sky. Roaming Star is too far away to hear the sound, the hiss and whine of the chemicals reacting, but Alex can still hear the noise echo inside their head anyway.

They wait, breathless, but nothing more happens. The flame winks out, the horizon clear.

"Captain?" Vasquez calls from a few feet away when Alex doesn't move.

Alex turns and nods to him. Even though it's off-course there is no real question of their next actions. They make the call down to Clark in the bridge and the ship begins to make its turn.

As Lucy gives directions to adjust the sails and then climbs a few feet up the riggings to fix a loose line, a second flare goes off.

Everyone freezes.

Roaming Star surges forward at full speed towards the distress call.

But the crew freeze, unsure. One flare could be nothing - a fluke or an accident.

Two flares cannot be ignored.

There is a sense of foreboding on the deck.

Two flares mean they are sailing towards something that isn't promising.

No additional flares follow. And Alex isn't sure if that is better or worse.

Two flares mean that two people have gone overboard. Somehow, more flares would at least give Alex a sense of what they were sailing towards. More flares would help prepare Alex for the worst.

This is the unknown.

There's nothing to do but wait as the ship quickly makes its way towards the source of the call for aid.

The Topsman shouts when he spots the smoke on the horizon. Alex sees it a minute later.

They move in closer.

When they start to see it - the wreckage of the fallen, sinking skyship - Clark brings them down lower, closer to the water's surface. They fly swiftly through the air, as fast as they can.

There is a silence that rings out, like a pocket they've sailed into. It sucks the sound, the breath, from them all. They've sailed into a void and a chill sweeps over Alex.

Alex feels a heaviness in their legs, weighing them down, sinking them into the deck as Roaming Star draws closer.

The entire crew is on deck; unmoving. Watching, only watching.

Watching for danger.

But also watching for life.

The skyship is burning. And the skyship is sinking.

There is no sign of the ship's attacker, but there is no question, really, as to who is behind this. This is the work of Bloody Steed.

Ravenslay, the ship Roaming Star fought off only days past, was one of Lex's fleet, was part of Lex's army.

But this is the work of Lex's warhead. This is not an attack.

This is a butchery.

The foreboding morphs into dread.

They sail soundlessly closer and Alex can smell the smoke, the gunpowder.

It must be in their head, it can only be in their head, but Alex can also smell the blood and the burning flesh.

There is lead in Alex's chest.

It aches to breathe.

Everything is so still and silent.

Alex feels cold inside as they take in the sight below.

Clark moves them closer, lower, only a few dozen feet in the air as they sail over the flotsam. Burning and seared drifts of wood, crates and cargo, and vague floating shapes Alex wishes they didn't recognize.

They approach the ship proper, the broken hull. Like a ribcage torn open and left gaping. Bleeding, burning, and dying.

The ship is on its side, half-drowned already. It's blackened deck and hull caved in and still smoking.

There is the sound of waves gently lapping, of flames cracking and wood splintering. But there are no other sounds.

Only unearthly silence.

The dread morphs into sorrow.

"Bring us around," Alex instructs, voice thick with emotion, posture stiff and unmoving. They have to clear their throat and repeat the command for the words to carry across the deck. There's a moment's pause as the crew drag their eyes away from the scene. But they do as asked, adjusting the sails so the ship begins a circle of the wreck so they can look for life, look for anyone to save.

Smoke billows around them.

Nothing in the water moves, no one waves or calls them forward. Only debris aimlessly floating with the motion of the waves.

The ship is close in size to Roaming Star but it looks smaller somehow, empty and ripped open as the sea begins to extinguish the flames and engulf the hollowed shell.

There's a gasp, a shriek from above.

And then Lucy is falling from the fore rigging. She wasn't terribly high, but before Alex can take a step towards her to see if she's okay Lucy is on her feet and running towards the rail.

She keens with grief as she throws herself against the port bow, leaning out as far as she can in an attempt to better see the wreckage. Alex can hear her breath gasp with her pain and sees as her body begins to shake with her distress.

The deck is still, the crew torn between quiet mourning and taking in Lucy's haunting reaction.

"Alex," her voice is desperate and high, breathy in a way Alex isn't used to hearing. She lets out a wet sob and then covers her mouth, gasping into her palm, trying to hold what she's feeling inside.

She strains on the toes of her boots, knuckles of her other hand white and clutching the rail to keep her from toppling over as her body seems to ache to get closer to the grim scene before them.

"What-"

"Alex, it's Tempest."

There's a popping in their ears as her words sink in and Alex rocks back on their feet.

It feels like there is no air left to breathe.

Alex looks back at the ship and catalogues what they can of the ruin. The sails, ablaze and in tatters. The mainmast violently ripped in two. The foredeck, a huge centre of the burning mass. The hull that is breached in multiple places from cannon fire and from shattering as it hit the water's surface from so high, metal and wood alike splintered and scattered along the water, smaller drifting pockets of smoke and flames. Their colours floating in the water, fabric half-claimed by the sea already.

The untouched brass of the bowsprit.

And there, just below it, the inscription on the ship's fore hull.

Tempest of Jupiter.

The first ship Lucy sailed with.

The ship where Lucy earned her sky legs, where she earned her place in the sky.

"Luce," Alex whispers.

Lucy's body quakes once, trying to hold in her anguish.

Tempest of Jupiter was the ship that gave Lucy her first taste of freedom. It was the ship that carried Lucy away from being a debutante, from being a puppet, the model daughter. It took her away from the world of marriage proposals and holding her tongue and drooping under the weight of corsets and curls.

It was the first thing to give Lucy the knowledge that she could be more in life than a pretty smile, to be more than simply a means to link families and bring the Lanes more wealth and power.

And now it's laid out before her, blackened pieces scattering as the waves begin to claim what's theirs now; as the ocean does what the ocean will always do with shipwrecks. It doesn't matter if they sail over water or through the air; the sea is always their final resting place.

Alex silently moves to stand next to Lucy. They keep a careful space between themself and her; they don't touch her, don't offer physical comfort. It feels like something holds Alex back, like the chasm opening between them grows larger each day and keeps Alex from reaching out.

Alex can offer their presence, their support, but they don't know where they stand with Lucy anymore.

They don't know how to comfort her anymore.

They don't know if Lucy even want's their comfort anymore.

"It's quiet," she breathes as Roaming Star continues its circle of the downed ship.

"I know."

And it is. That's what gets to Alex, what they know is getting to Lucy. The silence.

This isn't a ship in the midst of disaster, a ship where Roaming Star's crew can rescue and offer aid.

This is a ship that is eerie and soundless with death.

It's one thing to read about, to know about, this kind of devastation. It's one thing to have lived it, to have survived when the ship does not.

But it's an altogether different kind of pain to see the wreckage up close. Up close, but too late to save anyone.

Still, they go to the ship.

Clark eases Roaming Star as low as he dares; if there was more to do, if there were people to save, they would drop into the water.

But as it is, they don't see a living soul on board the dying ship. No one calls out as the flames begin to burn themselves out. Anyone trapped onboard has long since succumbed to death.

They do see crewmembers in the water, floating among the waves or draped over pieces of driftwood.

Bodies.

J'onn pilots the Death Trap and flies down to retrieve them. It is only a two-person craft, so he flies back and forth repeatedly, ferrying the dead as best he can.

Some of the crew - Alex among them - help him transfer the bodies onto Roaming Star's deck to silently lay them out. They are blackened, bloody, and their injuries plenty. They fought back, to futile ends.

They are so cold.

The dying ship is silent.

Lucy's body trembles and she does not speak; she can't. She only whimpers and bites her lip as her hands shake. Her face is pale and waxy but she helps to lay out the bodies, needing closure, needing to process her grief.

Alex doesn't want to let Lucy do so, they long to keep her from this, but they don't try and stop her. Lucy needs a last memory of the ship that first let her touch the sky.

She breaks when they find the Captain's body, collapsing and sobbing into James' arms.

Alex's face is stony as the crew comes together to wrap the strangers in sheets and then lay them to rest at sea, to give them peace and a proper farewell instead of being swallowed by the ocean unjustly.

But Alex cries silent tears, and they let the crew see them cry.

This is one of the times where displaying emotions does not mean weakness, where being the Captain means showing the crew that grief is okay, is healthy. It's hit them all hard, this reminder that they are not invincible, only lucky so far, and that Lex is brutal and ruthless.

Right now, being strong as the Captain means leading the crew through their grief, not banishing it from the deck.

While they wrapped each body J'onn pulled from the ocean's grasp Kara made her calculations for how far the lifepacks would have carried the two people who went overboard. When they've rescued all they can, when the bodies are released back into the sea with a true sailors farewell, with an acknowledgement of their sacrifice, Roaming Star begins to make larger and larger sweeping circles around the wreck.

They find the first canvas ruined with blood but intact as it floats in the water. There is no sign of the person who wore the lifepack, though. Only more painful, eerie silence.

The second jumper they do find, hardly conscious and floating in the water.

But he is-

He won't make it. There is no question of saving him. His body is too far gone, too beaten and close to death.

He is laid out on the deck before Alex - Alex, who is the Surgeon, the doctor, the one who should be able to help him, to save him.

But even Alex cannot stop death.

Alex's silent tears come harder as they hover over the man helplessly, on their knees on the deck as their hands shake, looking for something, anything that they can do.

Lucy is still tucked into James' arms; he will not let her turn and see this. Lucy's last memory will be of her first Captain's face, peaceful in death. Not this nameless man's face that is twisted with prolonged suffering.

There is so much blood. Even after drifting in the water it still seems like the blood continues to seep out of him, to paint the deck in crimson as it leaks from his wounds.

His face is hardly recognizable as a man's.

He moans, breath sluggish and body seizing with pain. He grips Alex's arm and Alex's tears blur their vision as their hands hover and shake. Useless.

Alex is useless.

J'onn is the one to take the shot. To end the man's agony.

The sound of the pistol echoes sharply over the silent deck.

Lucy cries harder.

Alex couldn't do it, couldn't end the stranger's misery. And it feels like a mark against them, a weakness they couldn't overcome.

When there is nothing more the crew can do they do not leave. Roaming Star continues its low passes over Tempest of Jupiter. They circle quietly, watching as the flames and the sea claim the ship. Watching as the hull and the masts and the deck finally sink into the dark waters. Watching until all that remains is the blackened pieces of flotsam drifting through the waves.

They watch over the ship, guarding it in death until there is no more.

When they reach New York Alex will go to the city's Guildhall and inform the Sky Masters of the devastation; that nothing was salvageable and that there were no survivors.

(If they make it to New York themselves, for there is no question now that Lex is close.)

Alex will have to inform the Guild Masters that Bloody Steed has taken another healthy ship, another healthy crew, and doomed them to the depths of the ocean.

Save for Lucy's first Captain, they do not know the names of the people they have pulled and then returned to the sea in a proper sailor's burial.

The families of Tempest of Jupiter's crew will have to find out their loved ones are gone from the newsprints; the Guild will not be able to notify them. There is no ledger listing all of the crew - that has gone down with the rest of the ship. The Guild will not be able to offer the families their loved ones' personal effects and their wages, their bodies, or even their names. All are lost to sea.

If Roaming Star hadn't seen the flares the families wouldn't have known at all. They would know the ship left and never returned, but they would never know what happened.

It isn't much, but at least Alex can offer the families the truth, can offer the families closure.

Alex doesn't go to the mess for dinner that night. Their stomach feels leaden.

The dark black of night falls and Alex remains on deck, keeping watch, keeping vigil.

Kara finds them. She looks tried; drained from mourning the nameless. She brings Alex an apple, some rolls, and some wine.

Alex takes the wine.

No one does much talking that night. No one does much of anything that night.

They all know one thing.

They are now in a race to reach New York.

* * *

Lucy is on edge the next day.

Alex isn't surprised.

When they received the news of Bailiff going down Winn was upset and he took time to mourn the death of his first skyship.

But Lucy didn't receive the news second hand. Lucy didn't read what happened in the newsprint.

Lucy witnessed the wreckage. She laid her hand over the heart of each person they wrapped and slipped back into the sea.

But Lucy is volatile. Lucy contains everything she feels, she does her best to keep a level head. She tries to be professional, a leader, for the crew. She tries not to let everyone see how much it gets to her, until it becomes too much and everything comes roaring, flooding out of her.

(Much like Alex.)

There is still a chasm between them, this space Alex has created by shoving their feelings down and pushing Maggie and Lucy away. Lucy feels distant to Alex now, far away. It feels like reaching through a fog, trying to connect with her now. Alex knows she's close, but they can't see her, can't touch her. All they can grasp is a cold mist.

Alex doesn't know how to help her anymore.

Before, it would have been easy. But now, now Alex isn't sure how to help Lucy grieve.

Alex seeks her out in the berth the next morning with the intent to try and do _something_ to help Lucy through her pain. Anything. Alex may not stand on even ground with Lucy anymore - their own doing, but it still hurts - but Lucy will always be their best friend and Alex knows that must count for something.

Except it doesn't, it seems. And it's like a slap in the face.

"Hey," they say, peaking their head into the room. A few of the crew look up but Alex focuses on Lucy. "Can I talk to you?"

Lucy looks at Alex for a long moment, her face void of expression, her eyes empty. Alex waits, suddenly feeling like they've overstepped, like they've miscalculated.

"Fine," Lucy sighs weakly, getting up and leaving the room. She walks a few feet down the passageway and Alex follows.

"What do you need me to do?" Lucy asks tiredly, assuming this is about the ship. Except she doesn't just look tired, she looks drained. She looks exhausted.

Lucy hides it well. Her eyes have a forced brightness, her posture is attentive but loose, her face is carefully neutral.

But Alex knows Lucy; they can feel the exhaustion coming off of her in waves, even if her appearance before the crew doesn't portray it. They can see the pain she's hiding. They know Lucy too well to know that even if there is no physical evidence, that Lucy has been crying.

Alex just knows. Because it's Lucy.

"No, I, I wanted to see if you were okay. After... after yesterday."

She sighs and her voice is dull as she says, "I'm fine, Alex." The light in her eyes is false, Alex knows.

"Luce," they start.

Alex reaches a hand out as if to touch Lucy, to comfort her. But then something inside tells them to stop, tells them to pull back.

Their hand hovers awkwardly in the air, halfway to touching Lucy's arm.

Lucy looks down at the hand. She sees Alex's hesitation. And that's when her face changes, where the neutral mask begins to slip.

Her face hardens. Her mouth tightens and her brows furrow and suddenly Alex feels they've done something very, very wrong.

They don't know if it's because they tried to touch Lucy, or because they stopped. But suddenly their hand burns.

Alex isn't sure what they've done wrong, but Lucy's face morphs so fast that they know, they know they've done something.

Alex's fingers curl into a fist and they hastily drop their arm, the weight of Lucy's stare becoming unbearable.

Lucy drags her eyes back to meet Alex's and Alex feels themself shift backwards on their feet in response, unprepared for the force behind Lucy's gaze.

"I'm as fine as can be expected," she says, and her voice does not carry the malice her face seems to be creeping towards. Her words are unexpectedly hushed. "It hurt, seeing Tempest. But I can still do my job."

"I know you can, Lucy. But you can talk to me-"

"Don't." Lucy gives her head a fierce shake. "Not from you. Not right now."

Alex takes a full step backwards. "What?"

"I don't want to play games with you, Alex. You know what's bothering me and you know it will take me some time to heal. At least respect that."

"I, I do respect that, Lucy. I respect you."

"No, you don't. Or you wouldn't have suggested I talk to _you_ about it."

Alex frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Lucy sighs again, more dramatic this time, more exasperated this time.

And then she walks away.

Lucy shakes her head, turns, and walks off and Alex is left reeling. They don't understand what's just happened. They only wanted to try and comfort Lucy, to really see how she's doing without the mask she wears for the crew. Alex wants to know that Lucy is okay, or if there's anything Alex can do to help her reach okay.

Because Alex cares about Lucy.

And instead, Lucy's brushed them off.

It stings.

It stings a lot.

Alex tries to reason that Lucy needs space. That Lucy needs time on her own to grieve for Tempest and for what it meant to her.

But that clearly isn't it. Because Lucy spends most of her day on deck with Maggie, with James, with Kara and Winn.

It's just Alex that Lucy seems to need space from.

Suddenly, Lucy is pushing back, is now the one pushing Alex away and it makes Alex dizzy because they don't know what this means.

They do know that they're responsible, that Alex is the one who's created this mess. Alex is pushing Lucy away and now Lucy's _seeing_ it and reciprocating and Alex doesn't understand why she's reciprocating.

There are only two clear options Alex sees to drag themself out of this situation. One is to get over Maggie. To end and bury their feelings for good and try to repair what they've lost with Lucy.

The other is to tell Lucy everything and that's the absolute last thing that Alex wants to do. Alex doesn't want to feel obligated to share with Lucy their feelings, regardless of if those feelings are for someone Lucy is involved with.

Their friendship with Lucy is not one of obligation.

They should not be required to tell Lucy how they feel about Maggie.

It is annoying that this is the only other obvious way out of this problem.

The adult thing, the responsible thing, would be to tell Lucy.

But telling Lucy they have feelings for Maggie could make this even messier, even worse. It would not be a simple conversation, it would not be admitting their feelings for Maggie and then everything is fine afterwards.

There is nothing simple about this equation.

If Lucy is avoiding Alex now because they won't tell her what's bothering them, how will Lucy react to finding out Alex wants what Lucy has with Maggie? That Alex is envious and guilty and angry with Lucy because Maggie chose her instead of Alex?

They can't tell her.

So Alex will avoid the responsible decision. They will find another way to tackle this problem. Going to Lucy, it's not an option.

It isn't fair to Lucy for Alex to put their feelings onto her. It isn't fair to make Lucy choose to either salvage her friendship with Alex or pursue her relationship with Maggie.

Lucy should get to have both.

Lucy deserves to have both.

Which means Alex needs to get over their feelings for Maggie.

* * *

It is not that easy.

Of course, it's not. It's been two weeks since Le Havre and nothing's changed.

(Except that maybe Alex has dug this hole deeper in an attempt to drag themself out of it.)

The mess feels tense that night. Whatever was being masked by grief the night before is present now. Alex feels it the moment they step into the room.

They sit down next to Kara. Winn sits on Kara's other side. He mumbles a hello to Alex but does not otherwise acknowledge them.

(More guilt.)

Lucy and Maggie sit across from them, with Vas and Clark shoving and elbowing each other for space at the end of the table.

Lucy and Alex and Winn all do not speak. The other four try to carry the conversation, to talk enough to distract from the tension at the table and from the room at large. But it only works for so long before their words fizzle and die.

"So," Winn speaks up when Kara gives up trying to ignore the tension and she shares a sympathetic, defeated frown with Maggie. "We all know that was Lex."

Alex suppresses rolling their eyes. "We do."

"Is your plan still to keep pushing the engines?"

Alex taps at their plate with their fork repeatedly in irritation. "I think now, more than ever, it's clear we need to make it across the ocean as fast as possible."

"Alex, if we push them too hard, they'll break. And then where will we be?"

"Floating in the middle of a school of sharks," Vas offers unhelpfully.

"Exactly," Winn says, leaning across Kara to see Alex. "And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be there."

"Obviously, I don't want to be there," Alex huffs. "But what other choice do we have, Winn? We're four days out of a two-week journey. Lex is out here. We know we aren't safe."

"We weren't expecting him to be in front of us," Lucy agrees.

"What if we changed course?" Maggie says, trying to reason with Winn and ease the tension between him and Alex. "We have supplies to last," she looks at Vas for confirmation before continuing. "What if we took a wider arc to get Lena to New York?"

Kara shifts her weight in her chair, tilting her head as she weighs their options. "It's not unreasonable, and it wouldn't be hard to map out depending on how far out of our way we wanted to go. It's not like Lex knows we're going to New York; no one knows that. We could aim for Halifax and then-"

"Lex has an army of skyships," Alex cuts her off. "We've underestimated him once. I won't do that again. It wouldn't surprise me if he had more than one ship watching the crossing along the Atlantic. And we're a personal target now. He'll be watching for us."

"He knows we have Lena," Clark adds. "After the last attack he probably had a hunch we were going to try and get her out of Europe."

"I'm not hearing a solution that doesn't involve pushing the engines."

"That's because we don't have one, Winn," Alex spits out.

From across the table, Lucy's eyes flash at Alex, warning Alex not to get mad at Winn.

(Not again, anyway.)

Winn is only angry, is only arguing, because he cares about the ship, because he knows and listens to the ship in a way most of the others cannot.

Maggie says hesitantly, "So where does that leave us?"

"It leaves us on a ship in the middle of the ocean with Lex out for blood. He wants Lena," Winn says. There's a pause, and then he adds, "And now Alex, probably."

"Winn," Kara hushes him. "Alex wasn't the only one to fight off those pirates."

He argues, "Alex is the Captain."

"I am, which means that, yes, I am responsible. He's out for my blood now. Lena's assured me of that."

"Alex-"

"No, Kara. Winn's right." Winn snorts into his food at their words and Alex bristles. "We're in this deep because of me."

Winn mutters, "We wouldn't be in this mess at all if it weren't for Lena."

Alex bristles further. Kara turns to Winn with a calm that Alex doesn't possess. "Winn, that's not fair. She-"

"I'm not saying we _shouldn't_ help her, Kara. But we wouldn't be here if it weren't for her."

"What do you think we could have done differently?" Maggie asks.

Winn mumbles something Alex doesn't catch.

"I told everyone on this ship that none of you was obligated to come this far, Winn. And you were one of the ones that insisted I was being unnecessary in giving you all an out. All of you chose to leave Bilbao on board. You knew what you were getting into."

"Alex, Tempest of Jupiter had no survivors," Winn snaps. "None. They all died. He butchered every single one of them. He butchered Bailiff, he butchered Tempest, and he'll butcher us if he catches us."

Lucy jumps in, "Which is why Alex is pushing you to have the engines work harder. So that he doesn't catch us."

Which is why _Alex_ is pushing. Alex. Not us. Not Lucy and Alex. Just Alex.

Most of the room is listening to the conversation at this point. No one else speaks; there is only the sound of cutlery against plates.

Alex nods to Lucy. "And what would you do? Since clearly, you don't agree on pushing the engines."

"Alex, I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to."

Lucy clenches her jaw and shakes her head sharply at Alex again, like another warning. Warning Alex not to push her buttons.

Maggie's hand slips off the table.

Alex's world narrows, watching Maggie's hand slip off the table, out of sight, and then Lucy relaxes. Lucy lets out a breath. Her shoulders relax. She leans closer to Maggie, throwing her arm over the back of Maggie's chair. She's speaking. Lucy is talking but Alex isn't listening, they're too focused on how Lucy and Maggie move together.

How Maggie is calming Lucy.

Maggie is allowed to go to Lucy, to touch her, to comfort her.

But Alex is not.

Of course, Maggie is allowed to.

But Alex is not.

The pain leads to anger.

"We can alter the course," Kara is insisting. "I'll make sure to keep us from going too far out of the way. But I know Lena won't mind. All she wants is to keep Lex from-from," she stutters to a stop and looks around the table - looks around the room at large - remembering not everyone knows of Lena's secret plans. "All she wants," Kara amends, "is to reach America. If we take a little longer in order to keep us all safe, I know she'd want that. Lena doesn't want to put us in danger."

"Too late for that," both Alex grumbles and Winn snaps at the same time.

Alex's hands grip at the edge of the table because here they are, arguing with Winn and agreeing with him in the same breath.

"Lena already feels bad enough as it is, Alex," Kara continues. "I think we should change course and-"

"We've already wasted enough time yesterday as it is."

Lucy's head shoots up.

So does everyone else's. Alex has the full attention of the room now, but it's Lucy's eyes that are laced with fire.

They shake their head at her and rush out, "I'm not saying we shouldn't have gone to help Tempest, Lucy. Of course, we went. I'm just saying-"

"You're just saying," Lucy says evenly, "that it slowed us down. I get it. I heard you, loud and clear. Next time, we won't make an effort to send off the dead the way they deserve."

"Lucy."

She shakes her head. "No, clearly, that's how you feel."

"You're putting words in my mouth."

"Well," Lucy snorts, "at least one of us is. You're not saying anything helpful. You're just repeating 'push the engines, push the engines.'" She takes a deep breath and then says with a calmer tone, "Kara has a solution."

Kara opens her mouth but Alex speaks over her. "It's not a solution. It's just delaying the inevitable."

"Alex, you don't know that."

"I do."

"Why?" Lucy challenges. Everyone's dinner is forgotten by this point. Everyone is focused on the argument that continues to bloom. "Because you're the Captain? Because you know what Lex is thinking?"

"I-"

Lucy doesn't let Alex speak. "If anyone knows what Lex is thinking, it's Lena. I think she should be here for this discussion. I bet she could come up with a clever way for us to get across the ocean safely."

Kara begins to lift from her seat. "I can go-"

"She's being facetious, Kara," Alex says, stilling their sister's movement with a harsh hand on her arm.

"No," Lucy stresses. "I was being serious."

Maggie's hand reaches up to squeeze Lucy's shoulder.

"Really, Alex," Kara insists. "I can-"

"Kara, just forget about Lena! She can't help us," Alex snaps.

Why isn't anyone listening to them? Why can't they see that Alex is right? That their only way out of this mess is to charge straight through it?

Kara shakes her head, eyes fierce. "Alex, that's not fair. Lena, she, I just, she's not, you aren't being fair."

"Kara," Alex says, trying to be patient, trying to keep their voice calm even though they feel nothing close to calm inside. "She's not a member of this crew so she doesn't get a vote on what we do. Unless that brain of hers can come up with a way to ease the strain on the engine - something even our _Engineer can't seem to do_ \- then she doesn't need to be part of this discussion!"

Kara whimpers and leans back, pulling away from Alex. "I just, I thought, I thought she could help."

"Well, she can't."

Lucy draws herself up before saying, "So we're back to the engines, then?"

Alex grips the table tighter. "I don't hear you offering a better suggestion."

"Why bother?" Lucy muses. "You're shooting us all down anyway."

"I'm being logical, Lucy."

"You're being hot-headed," Maggie mutters lowly. Low enough that Alex probably wasn't supposed to hear it.

But they do. And they feel their whole body ignite. "And you agree with Kara?" Alex snaps at Maggie.

Maggie starts with how sharp Alex's voice is, at the anger suddenly focused directly on her. "I do," Maggie says carefully, shifting and leaning forward in her seat towards Alex. "But I'm not sure how much my vote weighs."

Lucy's voice softens immediately as she whispers, "Of course, your vote counts, Maggie."

Alex's hands drop from the table's edge to their thighs and they dig their fingernails in, focusing on the sharp, sharp pain it brings instead of focusing on how tender Lucy's voice is, how she can shift so quickly from anger at Alex to reassuring Maggie of her place on the ship.

It makes their heart ache with longing and envy and guilt and anger. There's just so much anger swirling inside them.

Maggie shakes her head, looking carefully between Alex and Lucy. "I'm still green. I don't want to step on any toes. I'm just trying to help us see things from a different angle."

"I'm only seeing two angles. Straight ahead, or change course," Alex grates out.

Lucy makes an exasperated noise and tosses her hands in the air. "What is so wrong with changing course?"

"We've already been out here long enough. The longer we're on the open ocean, the larger chance Bloody Steed has to catch us."

Lucy is firm. "Which is why we'd be changing course, Al. To bring us away from Lex. It's the right move."

Alex's voice drops, low and threatening. "It isn't your call, Lucy."

The room echoes in silence for long minutes.

Lucy and Alex stare each other down, both breathing heavy.

Maggie squeezes Lucy's shoulder again.

Lucy's voice is icy yet even at the same time. Lucy is trying her hardest to reel in her anger. "If Winn says the engines can't take two weeks at full steam, can't take two weeks of us going at a dead run, then we should listen to him."

Alex repeats, "It isn't your call to make."

"Maybe it should be."

Alex's ears ring for a moment as they process the words.

Then they turn slowly, looking at Kara like she's a complete stranger. "What did you just say?"

Kara bites her lip and breathes out loudly through her nose, steeling herself. Her eyes are watery. But she looks at Alex with clarity, with honesty, with determination. "I said, maybe it should be Lucy's call. You're upset. We're, we're all upset, I get that. But, Alex, Alex, you aren't, you aren't thinking clearly. You're upset and-"

"Oh, and Lucy isn't upset?" Their voice rises in pitch, completely taken back by Kara's words. "I think Lucy's the most upset out of any of us."

Lucy snorts. "Well, that's complete bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

It feels to Alex like everyone is turning on them.

Lucy stares Alex down, eyes flickering between raging fire and something gentle, something forgiving. "You heard me. You say you have the safety of the crew as your highest priority." Her voice stays calm, stays steady as she tries to reason with Alex. "And yet you're suggesting we charge full speed ahead into the lion's den. I know you absolutely refuse to talk about it, but something is keeping you from hearing how dangerous that is." She frowns sadly at Alex, but adds, "Kara's plan is better."

"Kara's plan is flawed."

"So is yours, Alex. And hers is the lesser of two evils."

"We aren't changing course. End of discussion."

Lucy shakes her head and gives a disbelieving laugh. "You can't decide the conversation is over because it's convenient for you, Alex."

"I can and I will."

Maggie leans into Lucy's side and whispers something into her ear. Alex feels their skin boiling. It feels like every private moment the two of them have drives the knife deeper into their chest.

Lucy takes a deep breath. "Alex," she starts. "I think the best thing for the ship is-"

But Alex is already gone before Lucy even opens her mouth.

"You're not the Captain, Lucy. So just shut up and do as I order!"

And it's bad. Alex knows it's bad, but the words are spilling, tumbling from their lips without pause. They're angry, Alex is just so _angry_ and they aren't thinking they're just yelling because yelling is easier than watching Lucy and Maggie together.

Lucy rockets to her feet so fast her thighs smack the table, jostling the plates and tipping her chair backwards so hard it bangs as it hits the floor, echoing sharply in the otherwise silent room. Her eyes are wild. "Okay, that's it," she snaps. "We are having this conversation. I'm tired of this."

"What conversation?" Alex's voice is still raised, words clipped. "Tired of what?"

"This," Lucy barks out, gesturing between herself and Alex. "Whatever this is. We're going to hash this out right now so you can get over yourself. I've had enough."

Alex stands as well, needing to be on the same level as Lucy. Their hands are flat on the table, leaning over it towards Lucy, as they throw out, "Oh, fuck off, Lucy."

She's glaring, she's glaring at Alex and Alex has never seen Lucy this angry before. She looks livid. It would be scary if Alex weren't so angry themself. "No, Alex. We are going to talk about whatever the hell has you so angry."

Everyone else in the room is watching silently or slowly backing away. Alex ignores them all, snarling at Lucy, "I'm fine."

"Horseshit you're fine," she spits out. "Let's go." She waves to the hallway. "You're going to tell me what the hell is going on with you."

" _I'm fine._ "

"Alex, I swear..." Lucy's words hang there, unfinished but threatening. "We are having this conversation. Right now." She backs away from the table, stepping over the upturned chair. Her voice is low, like there is no room for argument. "And either you can follow me on your own like an adult, or I will come over there and drag you, Captain or not. But this is happening."

Alex is so angry that they are vibrating. Their hands and their legs are shaking with pent-up rage, grinding into the floor and clawing into the table. They stare at Lucy but she isn't backing down. Her eyes are on fire. Her chin is jutted forward with determination and it hits Alex that they may not win this, they may not be able to avoid the confrontation.

They glance around the room swiftly, seeing their crew, their friends, and can see that everyone is tense and nervous. They aren't watching Lucy. They're watching Alex.

Alex is the one in the wrong. Alex is unpredictable. Alex is scaring them.

It's seeing Kara, curled away from Alex and into Winn's embrace, that breaks Alex. Seeing Winn holding his arms protectively around Kara, protecting Kara _from Alex_. Seeing Kara's nails digging into the skin of Winn's arm because she needs something to squeeze, to hold onto.

Seeing the fear in Kara's eyes.

Alex lets out a slow breath and all of the anger rushes out. They look back at Lucy and nod once in surrender.

Lucy's body visibly deflates. She looks relieved, like she didn't think she could convince Alex, that Alex was too far gone in their anger. Like she was afraid she was actually going to have to wrestle Alex from the room.

Alex doesn't like the feeling settling inside them, like a hard knot in their stomach. They don't like knowing that in this moment every member of the crew is afraid of what Alex might do. They are afraid of Alex.

Alex moves around the table, blowing past everyone. As they pass Lucy, she reaches out to lay a comforting hand on their arm. But Alex jerks instinctually, arm flying up and knocking Lucy's hand away. Alex does not want to be touched right now; it feels like their skin is on fire with how frustrated they are. And they especially do not want to be touched by Lucy.

Lucy takes a startled, hasty step back, almost tripping over the fallen chair, but keeps her hands up and away, not touching Alex. Her eyes are apologetic and say she's sorry for assuming, for not asking first.

Alex stomps from the room and then pauses, waiting for Lucy to lead the two of them somewhere more private. Though it's not like the entire ship hasn't already heard Alex exploding just now. Alex doesn't know what Lucy wants to achieve with this, but they follow her.

(Kara's eyes haunt them.)

Once they are deep in the basement of the ship, in the stores, Alex moves away, putting distance between themself and Lucy. The cat flees the room as they enter and once he's gone Lucy closes the hatch.

Lucy sits on a box of packed food, waiting, while Alex drifts to the far side of the cabin, scuffing their boot against one of the huge coils of spare line. Neither of them moves to turn on the lights; they keep the room dark and cold and Alex likes it better that way. Somehow, this is what they need.

Right now, Alex doesn't need the lights as a way to ground themself.

They are burning inside with agitation and the darkness is a minor, minor comfort.

"Okay, we're alone," Lucy starts, voice quiet, betraying none of her anger from only moments earlier. "Now, are you going to tell me why you're so mad?"

"I'm not mad," Alex says. But it comes out a lot harsher than they intend.

Lucy levels Alex with a look and it speaks volumes about how fed up she is with them. "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Back there? That was demeaning, Alex. If you have a problem with me, if you don't agree with me, then you talk to me. You don't yell at me, especially not in front of the crew."

"And I don't appreciate you challenging my authority. I'm the Captain."

"Yeah, well," Lucy gives a bitter laugh, looking away towards the sacks of rice and grain. "You've been a lousy Captain the last few days."

Alex's voice is dark, low with challenge. "Lucy."

"You have, Alex," she insists earnestly. "You've been bitter and cold and short with everyone. Particularly me, and Maggie, but you've been an ass to everyone on deck. Alex," she pauses, then says with heavy meaning, "you snapped at Kara."

Alex sucks in a ragged breath. "I'm fine. Lay off me, Lucy."

"Are you hearing yourself? You yelled at Kara, at your sister. Alex, you're not fine."

They throw their hands up in the air in exasperation. "Alright, alright. _Fine_. I'm not fine. I'm anything but fine."

"Thank you." It isn't said sarcastically, just as an acknowledgement.

"But I don't want to talk about it." They turn away from her, using their own back as a wall, as a barrier against what Lucy is insisting.

"Well, that's too bad, because this is happening." Lucy's voice is lighter now. She's still forceful, but the challenge is gone. Now that Alex has admitted there's something wrong Lucy shifts, trying to puzzle it out, trying to help.

She goes on, "We are going to address why you are so mad at me that you shouted at me like I'm a dog."

Alex should apologize for that.

Instead, they say with their back still to Lucy, "I don't want to talk to you about it."

"You've had plenty of chances to talk with someone else about it, Alex. Everyone has tried to talk to you about what's been bothering you, but you've shut us all down. So, now you're stuck with me. And you can yell at me all you need, you can kick and scream like a child, but we are going to have this conversation. You are going to tell me why you are so mad at me that you can't even look at me right now."

Alex stands there fuming, shoulders hunched and hands balled into fists.

There is a long, drawn-out silence while Lucy waits for Alex to say something. But Alex can't say anything. Alex is still clinging to the vain hope that they can win this argument. That they can convince Lucy to let it go.

Eventually, Lucy sighs tiredly, "Would you like me to start? I don't like the way you've treated me the last few days. You aren't just mad, Alex, you're mad at _me_."

Alex finally turns around and looks at Lucy. "I'm not mad at you," they lie. They are mad at her, but they aren't. They're mad at the situation. But they don't want Lucy to think she's the root of the problem.

(Alex's feelings are the root of the problem.)

Lucy scoffs, "I don't believe you. You're taking whatever is bothering you out on me. And, Alex," she shakes her head sadly, the corners of her lips turned down as she frowns, "I care about you but I can only put up with this for so long. I need you to talk to me. I don't want you to push me too far, to push me away, to the point where I don't come back. I don't want that, but, it hurts, Al. What you're doing to me hurts. I need you to talk to me."

Alex doesn't want this, doesn't want to hear this. Doesn't want to hear Lucy say they are hurting her, when the last few weeks have been agonizing, have been torture for Alex.

They don't want to hurt her. But it's either hurt Lucy or let Lucy unknowingly keep hurting Alex.

"And I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

"Tough luck. We are having this conversation."

Why does she have to be so stubborn? Why can't she see this is killing Alex? Why can't she just leave it alone?

"How many times do I have to tell you, Lucy, I don't want to talk to you about this. I can't. _I can't._ "

"You've run out of people to talk to, Alex." Her voice is gentle at first but grows harsher as she builds momentum. They are right back where they started, voices raised. "Do you see anyone else offering to be your punching bag? Because I'm seeing an empty room." She waves around the storeroom for effect.

Alex crosses their arms, trying to hold back the sting of Lucy's words. They take a step towards the hatch.

"No." Lucy's hands grip the crate beneath her, clawing at the wood on either side of her legs instead of reaching out to touch Alex again, to try and stop them. She won't make that mistake a second time. "You are not leaving this room until this is addressed. No one else is offering to help you now. And after the way you treated Kara? I'm not letting you yell at her again. So you are stuck with me. And seeing as how I seem to be at the centre of your rage, I'd say it's fair that I'm the one you hash it out with."

"I'm not-"

"Please, do yourself a favour, and stop lying." She takes a breath then, trying to calm her anger and focus on Alex. "Are you mad at me? Yes or no."

Alex glances away, breaking eye contact. "Yes. I shouldn't be, but, I am." They look down at their boots and scuff at the floor. They're embarrassed but it doesn't make the anger, doesn't make the pain, any less.

Lucy waits, but Alex doesn't offer any more.

She tries a different approach, voice much softer than it has been. "You've been really cold to Maggie recently. I know you, I can handle this, whatever this is with you. I can take your anger at me. But Maggie? She's still new, Alex." Lucy's voice is so tender, so protective.

(It makes Alex's stomach clench with regret.)

"And seeing you suddenly snap at her, at us, out of nowhere? It's hard for her to navigate. Ever since France, something changed. You went from being nice to her, friendly with her, to hardly giving her the time of day."

There's a pause as if Lucy is debating her next words. And then she says something Alex isn't expecting. "She asked me about leaving the ship."

Alex's head shoots up.

"Yeah, Al," Lucy says seriously, watching Alex's reaction. There's pain on Lucy's face. Pain that Alex realizes they've caused. This entire mess is their fault because they can't push down their feelings.

"You've been that hard to be around. She asked me about finding another ship to sail on, that she stopped feeling like she fit in here, like she stopped feeling welcome. I know you don't want to hear this. I wish I didn't have to say this. But, Alex, you're the reason for that. And I can't speak for the rest of the crew, but..." She shakes her head and sighs heavily. "But I'm almost at that point, too. Where it might be easier to take some time away from you and this toxicity you've created around yourself, that you won't let us try and help you heal. Space... space from you might be easier right now."

It hurts like a punch in the gut.

Everything about the last few weeks, about seeing Maggie and Lucy together, has been punch after punch.

But this one?

Alex staggers back a step under the suffocating weight.

Lucy is their best friend.

Lucy is their _best friend_ and she wants to leave them?

There is a rushing in their ears, like water flowing over Alex's head. Like Alex is drowning.

But.

Maybe it would be better that way. Maybe it would be better, would be easier for Alex to get over this, to get over Maggie, if neither she or Lucy were onboard anymore. Then Alex wouldn't be reminded of them every second of every day. Then Alex wouldn't have to swallow down all the pain and would be able to move on with their life.

(They don't want to lose Lucy, but don't know what other option there is.)

Their voice is watery but they snarl out, "Well, why don't you and Maggie do just that. Leave. Together."

Self-preservation is a bitch.

Lucy's voice breaks. "What?"

Alex can see the tears flood her eyes even in the dim light. They can see the pain - the heartbreak - in Lucy's face as she hears the harsh seriousness in Alex's words. Lucy recoils, leaning away from Alex in surprise and anguish. She clutches desperately at the box she's sitting on as her breath hitches and stutters through her tears.

(Her tears tug strongly, clutching and yanking on Alex's heart, but Alex ignores them. They have to.)

"When we hit America. Why don't you and Maggie jump ship? I'm sure you could find a nice place to stay together, away from here, where you don't have to keep sneaking around with your fucking."

They don't mean to say it.

They don't mean to say it but it slips out anyway.

Alex winces but doesn't try to take it back.

Lucy still has tears spilling from her eyes but the pain on her face morphs into something else. "What?" She wipes roughly at her cheeks. "What are you talking about? Maggie and I aren't sleeping together."

Alex snorts rudely. "I find that hard to believe."

"Alex, Maggie and I aren't together," her voice is thick and heavy with pain. "I don't know what you're talking about, but, you've got it wrong."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Luce. You two have been inseparable lately. You spend all of your time together."

Alex must touch a nerve because Lucy shoots to her feet in response. She's small but so, so fierce. "Because neither of us can spend any time with you! You've been ignoring the both of us, shoving the two of us together and going off on your own, fuming and brooding. You've been trying your damnedest to keep your distance from us. And when we do spend any time with you, you're cold and angry and bitter. So, yes, we've been spending time together. Can you blame us?" Lucy looks so bewildered despite her tears, like she can't fathom what Alex is implying.

Then her voice changes, grows smaller. "But Alex," she says earnestly, "Maggie and I aren't fucking. I don't know where you-"

"I saw you two," they cut in before Lucy can lie any further. "In France."

All of the anger seems to drain from Lucy instantaneously. Alex can see it dissipate, can see how the lack of anger leaves Lucy unsteady on her feet. Her legs fail her and she drops heavily back onto the box. She blinks a few times, reflective. "You saw that?" she whispers in disbelief as she wipes at the dampness on her cheeks again.

"Yeah, I did. You two looked pretty into each other. I left, but it looked like you were about ready to stick your hand down her pants right there in the hallway. Tell me you at least made it to a bed first."

Lucy shakes her head and her eyes shine with an honesty, with a clarity Alex wants to ignore. "No, Al, it wasn't like that. Maggie and I had too much to drink that night."

"Uh huh."

"We did." Alex starts to turn away, to distance themself from Lucy once more, but she calls them back, "Hey, no," she says gently. "Hey, Al, listen to me. Please? Maggie and I got really drunk that night, okay? There was a pretty girl at the bar and Maggie and I ended up one-upping each other, trying to flirt with her. We're both competitive, Alex. It turned into, into a game."

Alex isn't sure where Lucy is going with this, isn't sure they want to hear this.

"And James and Vas were not helping the situation; they started betting on us. So we had a thing going, trying to flirt with this girl, trying to flirt with every girl in the pub, to see who could do better. And we drank so much liquor. Each time one of us made a move, we took a drink. We blew a lot of coin that night.

"When we got back to the ship we were both pretty gone. And we were both worked up from all the teasing and the flirting. I don't, I don't even remember who said it first, but we ended up baiting each other, boasting about who would have kissed that girl better, what we would have done, and then we just..."

"And then your tongue was in her mouth."

Lucy frowns at Alex. She breathes out heavily and goes on, "It happened, yeah. But I'm telling you, Al. It didn't mean anything, not like that. We both agreed that it was just... not a thing." She shakes her head for emphasis. "There was never even a question to it. We were drunk, we kissed, and that was it. We're still friends. We laughed about it, we didn't let it get weird."

Alex isn't sure what to say to that. They feel unsteady. They feel dizzy.

Lucy pauses, waiting for Alex to understand, but Alex finds they can't say anything.

"Alex, Maggie isn't the first person on deck I've kissed. You didn't have a problem when James and I kissed. And James and I did a lot more than kiss." She smiles to herself. "Why did it bother you when it was Maggie?"

Alex makes one last attempt to protect themself, to hold the truth down inside them, to keep Lucy from seeing. "You were being unprofessional. She's a crewmember." Their voice is a whisper. Weak and unconvincing.

"Again, I had a relationship with James and you didn't have a problem with it. Why did seeing me and Maggie-" She stops.

Alex looks at Lucy. Doesn't move, doesn't breathe, doesn't answer. Just looks at her and bites down hard on their quivering lip.

They feel a tingling sensation begin to prick up their arms. Everything seems to slow down as they watch Lucy's face change.

She closes her eyes for a moment, reeling back as she lets out a breath of air. "Oh, Alex." She says it with a clarity, with a brokenness.

"Don't."

"Alex-"

"Lucy, don't."

She sighs gently. "You should have said something."

"How?" Alex asks, and their voice wavers without permission. "I thought that you-"

"Alex," Lucy says tenderly, "you should have talked to me."

They wrap their arms tightly around their middle, trying to hold back the shaking, trying to hold everything in, trying to hold everything together. "And said what? That I was envious? That I was so mad because I wished-"

Alex doesn't let themself finish the thought.

Lucy reaches out a hand to Alex. "Hey," she says, coaxing them near, offering this time instead of expecting.

And Alex goes to Lucy.

Lucy wraps her arm around Alex's shoulders as they sit next to her. She pulls Alex in close and lets them have a moment to simply feel the contact, to feel her warmth and presence, sturdy and solid and not letting go.

Not leaving them.

Alex realizes they haven't let anyone touch them, comfort them, like this - not Kara, not Lucy - since Le Havre, since this whole thing started.

They missed this.

Tears slide down their cheeks as the anger dispels and the relief floods in, the relief that Lucy is still here, that they haven't pushed her away. Lucy is still at their side. "I shouldn't have been mad at you. At either of you. I know that. But I was still-"

"Alex, I'm sorry," Lucy hushes them. "I'm sorry that you didn't know what was going on, that you didn't think you could come to me, that you thought Maggie and me-"

They keep talking over each other. "It wasn't your fault," Alex insists. "I was the one who couldn't control how I was feeling. Seeing you with her... It hurt." It hurt so much more than Alex wants to admit, is scared to admit. "And I didn't want to think about why it hurt. So I just, I let the anger take over instead, tried to ignore it. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to be cold, it was just, easier." They turn, pressing their face into Lucy's neck, hiding their tears as their body shakes. They clutch at Lucy desperately, clinging to her as they cry.

Lucy holds Alex tight and rubs her hand up and down their back. She breathes out, "You were protecting yourself."

"I was being mean," they mutter into her blouse. "I was being cruel to you and the whole point of this ship is to get away from-"

"Al, stop." Lucy pulls back from the embrace, forcing Alex to sit up again and look at her. "Stop. It's okay." She looks sadly at Alex and tenderly wipes away some of Alex's tears while one of her own leaks out. "I'm not excusing your behaviour, but I get it. You were trying to hold in all these emotions you were feeling. You... you were trying to push Maggie and me together, weren't you? Even though it was killing you."

"Seemed like the only thing I could do."

"Oh, Alex."

"I'm sorry."

"I know," she pulls Alex back into the hug. "I know you are. You should have come to me. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't come to me. It would have saved you some heartache. Instead of trying to be noble and coming off as an ass." She chuckles.

"I was so horrible to her, to both of you. Is she..." they cling to Lucy's shirt hopelessly, hiding in the safety and comfort of her touch. "Is she really going to, going to leave?"

"You should talk to Maggie."

"I can't face her, Luce," they say, pulling back. Lucy lets them. Her hands slide down Alex's arms to hold their wrists.

She squeezes. Lucy is firm on this. "Alex, you need to talk to her."

"It's probably better for both her and I if I don't."

Lucy looks at Alex for a long time, face unreadable. "If you'd rather let her go, let her leave in America, then I can't stop you. But I think you should talk to her."

"What could she possibly have to say? That it isn't a big deal, that I was so cold to her she wanted to leave, all because I-"

"Alex, Alex," Lucy tries to settle them. "Maggie's a big girl. And she deserves you being truthful with her. I think you owe her that."

"How?"

Lucy smiles. Lucy smiles and Alex feels like maybe this will be okay, maybe Maggie won't hate them. Because when Lucy smiles like that Alex can't help but trust her. Lucy smiles and Alex's heart feels lighter than it has in weeks. "Be honest with her, Alex. You need to talk to her. If you really don't want her to leave, then you need to apologize to her."

Alex nods, knowing Lucy is right. "I'm sorry." They worm their way back into Lucy's arms, into Lucy's safe embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," they mutter over and over again.

"I know, Alex. I know you, remember?" She runs a hand through Alex's short hair, calming them down.

"You're my best friend and I made you feel-"

"Stop. It hurt, you hurt me." She sounds sad, sounds regretful, and Alex knows it will take a long while for this to heal, that they have a lot of making up to do to Lucy, to repair the damage they've caused.

"But we're okay," she goes on. "We're okay now. I'm here for you, Alex. I'm always going to be here for you. I know you feel bad, I know you feel guilty, I know you weren't being bitter to me intentionally. And that's why I dragged you down here, because I know you, Al. I know your heart. I know you're a good person. But now you need to go apologise. To the crew, to Kara, but you need to clear the air with Maggie."

They hug Lucy one more time before pulling back. "Thank you. For..." they wave an arm, indicating the room in general. "All this. For fighting back with me, for letting me open up. For... for staying."

For not leaving.

"Of course, Al. Always."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Alex. I love you, too."

* * *

They go to Kara first.

Standing outside the navigation room Alex feels a thick calmness wash over them. Confiding in Lucy felt... cathartic.

(Which Alex wasn't expecting.)

(They only expected pain at the thought of telling Lucy. Not relief. Not Lucy's assurance and love.)

They feel relieved. Their body feels drained and exhausted, emotionally spent from shouting and desperately fighting to hold everything in. But now Alex feels lighter. It feels like somehow Lucy's swept all of the strong emotions out of Alex, left only the things that feel muted and soft. Alex knows there's still things lingering, that their pain and guilt haven't simply vanished. But for right now, Alex feels a sleepy feeling that reaches deep inside them, into their bones.

It isn't a bad feeling. Just new.

When they knock on the hatch it's Lena who answers. Her eyes regard Alex wearily. Not unkindly, but unsure.

(Lena seems to spend more time here than on deck.)

"I'm not here to argue," Alex says to Lena. They look past her to Kara. "I'm here to apologise. I'm here to apologise to you."

Lena looks to Kara and Kara gives a sad half shrug in response. Lena looks back at Alex and studies them for a moment longer. Alex lets her, trying to keep their features neutral, to project calmness. Lena seems to accept that Alex is only here to apologise, not to start another shouting match, and she leaves quietly, sharing a private look with Kara as she does.

"She's good to you," Alex says softly before moving into the room. They start shifting Kara's piles of books and scrolls off the cot.

Kara stands in the middle of the room, staring at Alex and cheeks pinking.

"Are you going to give me a hand?"

"Right, yes," Kara says, jumping into motion to help Alex clear the rest of the books.

Once the cot is clear Alex and Kara collapse on top of it with Alex tugging Kara into their arms. "I'm sorry," they mutter into Kara's shoulder. They've already done so much crying with Lucy that Alex doesn't want to start crying all over again. But being like this with their sister, the weight of just how cruel they were to Kara slamming into them, the feel of Kara's forgiving arms holding them close, the tears start again. And the tears come stronger and faster and sharper than they did with Lucy.

Because this is Kara. And Kara is the one person Alex can't stand to hurt.

Kara doesn't say anything for a while, and it's proof enough for Alex that Kara is mad at them, that Kara is obviously still hurting.

Kara is their sister and will never turn Alex away, but the fact that she's silent, not shushing and soothing Alex's tears, is testament to just how bad things have gotten. How big the mess Alex has created is.

How far Alex has pushed away everyone they care for.

She holds Alex close and she cards her fingers through Alex's hair. And every so often she presses a kiss to the top of Alex's head. But she lets Alex tremble and sob brokenly and mutter their sorries over and over again.

It's only when Alex's words start to get trapped in their throat and when their breathing starts to hitch and gasp and their grip on Kara starts to shake that Kara begins to intervene. When she can tell Alex is starting to get lost, to let the panic creep in, she starts whispering, "I'm right here, Alex, you're okay."

Alex shakes their head and presses their face harder into Kara's shoulder because Alex isn't okay, none of this is okay, none of what Alex did, how they behaved, is okay.

"It's alright," Kara insists softly, "You're okay, I'm here, you're okay, Alex. Just breathe, just breathe with me."

And they trust Kara. Alex will always trust Kara. So they do as she asks. Alex focuses on Kara's breathing, on the steady rise and fall of her chest against Alex's and tries to match their own stuttering, hiccupping breaths with their sister's. They focus on Kara's arms and Kara's words and will the tears to slow.

They do. In time, they do. And when Kara feels the change she kisses Alex's hair again.

She stays quiet, and only when she's sure Alex has settled, that Alex has cried themself out, does Kara start. "So, you talked to Lucy," she says quietly.

"I did," they agree tiredly, sighing into Kara's shoulder.

"About what's been bothering you." It isn't a question.

Alex pulls back enough that they can look Kara in the eyes. "I did. And I'm, Kara, I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to yell at you. Kara, I'm so, so sorry."

Alex doesn't understand it, but Kara smiles slightly at them. "I know you are." It's a genuine smile. It's a little sad, her brow is still crinkled, but it's still a smile. Despite everything, they can still see Kara's love for them and it makes Alex feel-

Brave.

"I have feelings for Maggie."

Kara blinks and shifts out of Alex's hold so she can sit up on the cot. "Oh." Alex mimics her and sits up too; it's a small space, but they manage. Alex sits at the head of the bed, knees drawn to their chest. Kara sits in front of them, a pillow pulled into her lap. Her fingers fiddle with the fabric. "For Maggie?"

"Yes." They take a deep breath but it feels like the hard part is already over. "And, and I thought that she and Lucy were..."

"Maggie and Lucy?" Kara frowns and her brow furrows further.

"I thought that they, I mean I saw them - it doesn't matter." Alex keeps one arm wrapped around their knees, but reaches the other forward; Kara keeps one hand holding the pillow and the other meets Alex's, tangling their fingers together. Together. "I was envious and guilty and I took it out on everyone, on you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"For Maggie?" Kara clarifies.

"Is that..." Alex's chest starts to grow tight. "Is that not okay?"

They relax at the sight of Kara's soft eyes. "Oh, Alex, of course, it's okay." There's a question in her eyes and she gives a little sigh. "That's why you were so giddy in France. You realized you had feelings for her?"

"I did," Alex agrees. "And then things kind of... fell apart from there."

"Lucy didn't know?"

"That I had feelings for Maggie, or that I thought she and Maggie were together?"

Kara shakes her head and squeezes Alex's hand. "Well, I'm guessing now that she didn't know either."

Alex lets out a weak, "Yeah."

Kara shifts, coaxing Alex to sit next to her and cuddle under her arm. "This, this explains a lot."

"I'm sorry."

"You know you don't have to keep saying that, right?" She has one arm draped over Alex's shoulder, drawing them in close. Her other hand grips at the collar of Alex's jacket; it isn't so much a hug as Kara draping herself half on top of Alex, but it feels comforting and secure and they've missed Kara's touch.

"I feel like I need to anyway."

Kara ponders her words for a moment, considering this. "You don't have to, but if it's what you need then that's okay."

"I'm sorry," they repeat, because it feels like they will never be able to make it up to Kara. "I'm sorry that I yelled at you."

Kara glances away, her eyes sad and her smile turned down. "You scared me," she whispers.

"I was an ass."

"Well, yes."

They sit in a comfortable silence for a time. Kara's body feels warm against Alex. Alex's tears have stopped and their body feels tired, feels exhausted, but Kara's warmth gives them strength.

"I want you to re-set the courses."

"Alex," Kara starts immediately but Alex lays a hand on top of the one holding their collar, asking her to let them speak.

Instead of jumping to speak over her like they did in the mess. Repeatedly.

Alex turns their head so they are looking Kara right in the eyes; they're practically nose to nose. "No, no. You and Lucy, and, and Maggie, you were right. I was being rash."

Kara bumps her forehead against Alex's playfully, gently. "We're all tense, after Tempest. You just had a different opinion on the safest way to get us over the ocean. That doesn't make you a bad Captain."

Alex shakes their head. "Today is exactly why Lucy is Chief Mate."

Kara gives a shy laugh. "She's not afraid to fight back with you, that's for sure."

"I don't know what I'd do without her. Or you, really." They lean further into Kara's embrace. "Halifax?" Alex presses.

"Alex, we don't..." she trails off.

"Please, please just, do this for me, for you. Change the course tomorrow, please?" They know this is the right decision. This isn't just as an apology, this isn't to appease everyone. Alex can see now, clearly, that they were in the wrong, that this is the safest, surest way to get across the ocean.

"You're positive?"

Alex nods, determined. They trust Lucy, they trust Kara, they trust the crew. "To Halifax. It'll take us a few days out of the way, but I trust you, Kara. I do. It will put distance between us and Tempest. It will put distance between us and the wreck Lex left, between us and him."

If they hadn't been so worked up earlier, if seeing Maggie's gentle touches with Lucy hadn't triggered the anger to come steaming to the surface, Alex would have been able to see that Kara's idea was better. They would have seen that Winn wasn't trying to be difficult; Winn knows the engines and knows what they're capable of and Alex should have respected that.

Lucy was right for fighting back, for calling Alex out. Lucy knew it was a better plan, and Alex loves her more for the fact that she didn't back down.

Kara smirks and teases, "Lucy didn't hit you or anything, did she? This isn't because she physically knocked some sense into you?"

"No, she just listened."

"Good," Kara affirms, "that's good." But Alex can hear the tension in her voice.

She's thinking about how Alex opened up to Lucy first, and not to herself. "Kara, I didn't come to you earlier, before today, because I was envious."

"Of me?"

"Of..." they hesitate, not sure if Kara will understand. "Of Lena."

Kara blinks a few times. "Oh. Oh, because... oh."

Alex gives an unsure smile.

"Lena and I," Kara starts softly, "I don't really know what it is, what we're doing."

"I was still envious that she was taking my place with you, and it makes me a terrible person."

"It makes you human, Alex," Kara says immediately. "And it doesn't matter what's happening between Lena and me, you will _always_ be my sibling. Always, Alex. Lena can't replace that."

Kara hugs Alex again and Alex mutters another soft apology.

"It's okay," Kara assures. "You're stubborn, but I'm glad Lucy is just as stubborn and fought back with you."

"She was trying to give me space, to let me work it out and come to her when I was ready." Until Alex pushed Lucy too far. They look apologetically at Kara. "So were you?"

Kara nods and frowns. "I could see you were moving towards a darker and darker place. I didn't know how to help you. You brushed it off any time me or someone else asked if something was wrong and I know pressing you about something just makes you clam up even more.

"I'd talked about it with Lucy, and with J'onn and M'gann," she goes on. "We knew that whatever it was, the stress of having Lex on our tail wasn't helping. We were going to sit you down once we reached America and try to talk things out with you. I wasn't, I wasn't expecting you and Lucy to start fighting like that."

Alex opens their mouth to apologize again but Kara adds, "I'm glad you did. I mean, I'm not glad that you two were shouting, but I'm glad you pushed each other."

Alex wonders if they will ever be able to make it up to Lucy after everything that's happened. Lucy said the two of them were okay, but Alex knows this wont be an easy wound to mend.

"It's like what I told you after what happened with Max in Rotterdam. You always want to be the strong one, but you have to let people in. You have to let me help you sometimes. You have everyone on the ship, but Alex, you _always_ have me, okay? I'm always going to be here, I'll always support you."

Their eyes tear and Alex wonders what they would ever do without Kara.

They don't want to know what they would do without Kara.

"I know," they admit quietly. "But... it was easier to not talk about it. It felt unavoidable, like the only thing I could do was push what I was feeling down and hope the feelings would go away eventually. Talking about it with you would have made it real. I didn't want to believe it was real."

It's like with Alex's night terrors. Alex always tries to downplay what they're feeling in front of Kara.

Kara knows what can cause the blackness to rear up and result in Alex's panic, just as Alex knows what can overstimulate their sister, but she doesn't like to push.

Unlike Lucy, who approaches problems with directness and candor and who was willing to put up with Alex's stubbornness only for as long as her own resolve held out, Kara has always preferred to let Alex come to her when they need to.

Even when they were younger, Alex was always the strong one, the protector.

Alex has always had a hard time admitting weakness, both in front of others and to themself.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Alex goes on. "I'm sorry I didn't want to talk to you, to anyone."

Kara smiles and leans her head against Alex's, and Alex can hear the smile in her voice as she says, "Make it up to me by watching the stars with me tonight?"

"I..." Alex starts and then stops. They let out a heavy sigh. "Okay," they concede.

"What?"

"I was, I was going to..." Alex stops and Kara gives them an encouraging squeeze. "I was going to talk to Maggie. To, to tell Maggie."

"Oh," Kara's energy changes instantly, shifting from reflective to gentle excitement. "Oh, oh, do that, yes. We can watch the stars another time. You should talk to her tonight. You're," she hesitates, "you're going to tell her everything? How you feel?"

Alex lets out a "yes" that nearly gets lost in their breath.

"And?" Kara asks gently.

"And, I don't know. I don't know what she'll say, how angry she'll be, but," Alex takes another deep breath. "But Lucy's right, Maggie deserves honesty."

Kara chuckles. "I'm glad Lucy is stubborn enough to talk some sense into you."

Alex shakes their head. "You would have told me the same thing, if I'd let you."

"I would have, yes."

"You won't leave, right?"

"I'll never leave you, Alex."

Alex knows this, but they need to hear Kara say it anyway. It's important they hear Kara say this. "Even, even with Lena?"

"Lena and I, we have the potential to be something. I don't know what that something is, or where it will take us, but I will never, never leave you, Alex. I love you too much."

Alex snuggles closer. "I love you, too."

"I followed you into the sky for a reason, Alex," Kara continues, squeezing their shoulder and then running her hand up and down their back. "I'm not going to leave you just because there's a pretty girl who sets my mind reeling, but in a good way for once."

"She lives on land."

Kara laughs. "And she and I can figure that out, but later. We don't even know what this is yet. You don't need to worry."

Alex breathes in and out, following the motion of Kara's hand on their back. "Are you and I okay?"

"We are. I'm glad you told me. Now, go talk to Maggie."

"I'm scared."

"That's okay."

"I'm the Captain, I'm not supposed to be scared."

Kara hums for a moment before saying, "No, you're the Captain and you're supposed to be brave. But bravery isn't the absence of fear, Alex. For you, bravery means doing what's necessary, even if you're terrified."

"I am. Terrified."

"Good," Kara insists. "That means it's important, that it means something to you. Go, be honest with her before you talk yourself out of it."

"If I do, will you talk me back in?"

Kara trills lightly, happily tugging Alex into a proper hug. "Yes, yes, Alex. I can do that for you. But I think you'll be just fine."

* * *

"Can I, can I talk to you?"

Maggie turns from where she's coiling line and looks at Alex with apprehension. Her eyes are a wall, masking whatever she's feeling. But her posture is hesitant, weary. It hurts, seeing her so closed off.

"You hashed things out with Lucy? About what's been bothering you?"

"I did."

She seems afraid to ask. "And?" She's leaning away from Alex, unsure, like she's already expecting a barb or a shout.

And Alex doesn't blame her, what with the way they completely exploded only hours earlier.

"And I owe you an apology." Maggie's eyes widen, not expecting Alex to say that. She swallows, processing it. But she takes too long to say something in response, like she still thinks this is a trap. So Alex whispers, "Please, Mags."

And maybe it's the way Alex uses her name, shortens it the way you do with a friend, with someone you care about, not someone you're angry with. Maybe it's the way they said it, with fear and honest pleading blurring together. But something about Alex convinces Maggie. She lets out a breath and says, "Okay." Her face is still a wall, but it softens slightly. She nods for Alex to lead them somewhere else, somewhere more private than the middle of the deck.

They go to Alex's quarters because it's the only true privacy they can offer Maggie. Because it's the only place Alex will feel safe enough revealing this to Maggie.

Alex taps the brass as they step inside the cabin, needing the light to ground them. They want, they need, to be open and honest with Maggie, and the gaslights will help keep Alex present, will help Alex from getting lost in their head.

And maybe with the light Maggie will see that Alex isn't trying to hide anymore.

Maggie stands awkwardly in the centre of the room until Alex gestures for her to sit on the bed. She goes, lowering herself gingerly, tensely, like she's still unsure exactly what's coming.

Her apprehension makes Alex ache. Because they put that there, they made Maggie feel like she doesn't belong here.

They pace the floor, hands clenched into fists as they try to sort out their words, as they gather the courage to make the leap.

"Alex? You're scaring me." Even though her expression is guarded her voice is something close to teasing, portraying an ease Maggie clearly does not feel.

But the fact that she's trying to calm Alex down, that she can still care about Alex after everything that's happened, is enough for Alex to settle into their courage.

(They don't feel brave, but this is what's right.)

"I owe you," Alex pauses and shakes their head in disbelief because words don't seem to be enough for what they owe Maggie, really. "I owe you an apology."

"Did Lucy tell you to say that?" Her words are not unkind, but they're guarded.

Truth, Alex thinks. The truth. "She encouraged me, yes, and- and she's right. But I'm not just doing this for her. I..." Alex shakes their head again and glances up at the ceiling because there are suddenly sharp shards of pain behind their eyes. "I'm so sorry, Maggie."

A pause. "For?"

"For being... unbearable." Their hands sweep out with their exasperation, with their relief at being able to tell her. "For being cold and an ass and, and making you think you didn't belong here."

Alex can see the knowledge in Maggie's eyes; she understands that Lucy told Alex she wanted to leave, so Alex focuses on that. "I was cruel and I'm sorry and, and I understand you wanting to leave. When we reach America..." Alex forces a smile that feels helplessly false, "I'll give you a recommendation. To whatever ship you want. I'll speak to the Captain personally for you." They chew on their lip to try and hold back the trembling.

"Alex, I don't..." Maggie sighs and glances away. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No."

"Okay," Maggie breathes out, looking back with the ghost of relief on her face.

And Alex frowns because it can't be that easy. "Okay?"

"Okay." Maggie elaborates, "I'm glad you don't want me to leave. Because I... I got the feeling that you did."

Alex gives a nervous laugh. "The opposite, actually. Or, maybe," it hurts to say this, but they have to say this, "maybe I did, but not for whatever reason you think."

Maggie tilts her head, pensive and studying Alex.

They become aware of themself, of their restless shifting and pacing under Maggie's gaze. They smooth their fingers over their hips to keep them from clenching, to keep them from shaking. "I don't know where to start," Alex admits truthfully.

"Sometimes the beginning is easier."

The beginning is where it hurts. But Alex agrees. "I saw you and Lucy kiss."

Maggie's eyes widen and then her face clouds immediately.

Alex waits; no more speaking over the people they care about. But when Maggie doesn't say anything Alex reads the question on her face and says, "She told me that you two aren't... but I, at the time I thought you were."

Her face is still guarded, the walls up behind her eyes thickening. "And, what, you had a problem with that?" She sounds angry and defensive.

"No, yes, no, I," Alex stutters in response.

"You need to give me something, Alex, because I'm not following you."

Alex's hand comes up to hover near their face, fingertips pressing into their temple to try and push the words out. Their hand drags through their hair as they breathe out through their mouth, steeling themself.

(It feels scarier than falling from the sky.)

"I was envious... Of Lucy."

Maggie sucks in a sharp, hurried breath.

With the words slipping out Alex thinks they should be terrified, but they focus on Maggie's face, on Maggie's eyes, and somehow that helps Alex stay calm. Maggie's eyes are soft and peaceful. There's not quite a smile on her face, but maybe the beginnings of one. She regards Alex, reflecting on their words and Alex feels everything around them still and narrow as they wait for Maggie to speak.

Eventually, Maggie says, "Interesting way of showing it."

"I'm sorry." The words are so small, so weak, and they reflect exactly how Alex is feeling. But Alex repeats themself, they say, "I'm sorry," again, stronger this time, because as scared as they are, Maggie deserves this. Maggie needs to know how awful Alex feels about all of this.

She's so still and silent that tears start to prick at Alex's eyes. They bite at their lip, trying to make the pain spark the tears into stopping before they start. They feel the tension rise up their body. It begins in their hips and lower back but climbs up their spine to rest, heavy, so heavy, in their shoulders, pulling them back and down and preparing to flee. Alex is unsure but their body is preparing them for anything.

"So, what are you saying, Alex?"

Alex blinks their eyes closed for a long, long minute. When they open them Maggie is still sitting there watching Alex, an unsure look on her face. Alex sucks in a breath and jumps. "I'm saying that I have feelings for you, Maggie. That I saw you and Lucy and I thought that you two were... I tried to push what I was feeling down because Lucy is my best friend."

Maggie's face changes as she takes in Alex's words. Alex can see the understanding on her face. Maggie purses her lips and gives her head the slightest of shakes and Alex feels gooseflesh rise up their arms. They've never felt so exposed before, waiting like this for Maggie to say something, anything, in response. It leaves Alex feeling unsteady; a chill washes over them like a wave, reaching down into their bones.

"You were pretty terrible to be around," is the first thing Maggie says.

Alex feels the ice begin to settle thickly in their chest. "I know. I'm... I know it doesn't mean much, but, Maggie, I am sorry. I'm so sorry."

Maggie's lips tighten into a grimace, though her eyes show understanding. "I can see that," she says gently.

(But?)

"But," Maggie goes on, "I need some time to, to process this. What you did, why you did it. It hurt, Alex. I thought we were..." she pauses. "Something. Friends. And then you changed. I need some space from this, from you right now."

Alex's breath gasps without permission and their eyes are watery but they force a smile for Maggie. "Okay. Of course." Their false smile tries to turn down at the ends and Alex struggles to hold it in place. The chill washing over them intensifies.

"Alex-"

"No, no," they wave her concern off. "I'm, it's okay. Really. I’m glad you know, now.” They speak quickly, trying to keep their voice from wavering. "It's fine."

Maggie looks at them for a long moment, like she's torn and unsure what to do. And then she's murmuring a soft, "Okay," and leaving the room.

After Maggie is gone Alex slinks across the passageway to Kara's safe, strong arms. Kara is loving, Kara is forgiving, and Kara knows without words exactly what Alex needs.


	10. interlude: say what's really on your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short interlude. Lucy is the ship's mvp.

You wake during the shift change.

Vas slips into the berth as quietly as he normally does and that isn't what wakes you. He stops at a few bunks on his way into the cabin, waking the crewmembers that are now supposed to report to the deck for the early morning watch before moving to your bed to climb up to the upper bunk.

The cat is sleeping next to you. He's curled up against your stomach, a warm bundle against your fingers where you fell asleep petting him.

His tail must be flicking out as he dozes because as Vas tiredly climbs the ladder rungs up to his bunk the cat lets out a horrifying yowl, nails clawing into your arm before he flies off the bed, hissing and spitting at Vas. Your body jerks awake with the sudden pain. Sitting up, you can see the cat on the floor, eyes menacingly reflecting in the dim light in the room as he glares up at Vas, who's paused on the ladder.

Vas looks down at the cat, who is showing his teeth in a feral snarl, and then at you. "Sorry," he whispers, apologetic but already half asleep.

"It's fine," you say softly. You wait until Vas has climbed to the upper bunk and collapsed into his bed before you slip out.

The cat lowers himself flush with the floor as you move, ears flat against the top of his head. He doesn't hiss at you - he never hisses at you - but he looks at you with a wild stare, unsure of your intentions.

You coaxed him out of the forests outside Glasgow a few years back; he was well fed, a natural hunter, but also beaten and bloody, a natural fighter, too. You'd eased him into your life, showed him kindness, and some of his feral side had tamed.

He's still a wild cat; you know this. But he trusts you. He tolerates a handful of the crew and dislikes the overwhelming majority, but he trusts you.

You can see the wild in his eyes now as he crouches on the floor between your bunk and M'gann's. There were some rustling and a few coughs around the room as people half-woke to the sound the cat made, but no one else was jarred awake from his claws. Everyone else seems to slide back easily into sleep.

Even if he wasn't wild, you know better than to try and touch him right now. Your human crewmates are not the only ones who have boundaries that need to be respected.

Instead, you purposely look away from the cat, focusing on groping in the dark for some clothes. He waits near your feet, fur puffed out with his tension and looking even larger than his normal, large self. You change swiftly, wincing at the claw marks that are starting to sting sharply and crawl with the wet sensation of blood.

The cat follows you as you walk soundlessly from the room, as you knew he would.

The two of you move down the passageway towards the gundeck.

Alex keeps most of their medical gear in their cabin but there are some first aid materials stored with the artillery as well as in the galley; the two places accidents are most likely to happen.

You tap the brass as you enter the room and the cat jumps up onto the counter in front of the ammunitions wall. You reach up over him, pulling down one of the medical bags from where it's stored between canisters of grapeshot and shrapnel.

The cat mews and bunts against your arm, his permission that you can touch him now, but you yelp and yank your sore arm away.

He flattens his ears again and his tail flicks sharply in the air.

"Oh, come off it," you mutter as you drop the bag on the counter and dump out the contents. You can see how the cat's posture changes immediately, preparing to pounce on a roll of gauze as it tumbles down the length of the counter.

You scoop him up hastily and hug him to your chest. He complies, settling his weight into your hold, the way he does with only you. Once the gauze stops rolling and you feel the desire to attack it leave him you set him back down on the counter. "I need that, you can't eat it."

He stands still, grumpy but complying, as you move your fingertips slowly over his form, running along his spine and down his tail. You press a little harder on your second pass, digging into his thick fur and ruffles, making sure nothing was broken when Vas stepped on him.

The cat stands stiffly and endures your examination but he is no grumpier than usual so you assume his reaction was that of surprise over dire pain.

Once you're satisfied that he's fine you start cleaning off the scratches. The skin is raised, white bumpy lines standing out from the pinking skin. Blood bubbles up, but the claw marks aren't bleeding terribly.

The cat washes his fur while you clean and wrap your cuts.

It's early; a deep red light shines through the gun port. The sun isn't fully up but you're wide-awake now.

You and the cat wander to the mess; he slinks around the table legs but doesn't follow as you go into the galley for coffee for yourself and scraps for him.

He knows better than to go into M'gann's space. He learned that the hard way. The eating area she will tolerate, but where the food is prepared he is strictly not allowed.

He's still wild. He won't eat out of your hands the way the small housedogs and tomcats did when you were growing up. He's more like the hounds your father kept - independent. He likes you but he prefers to exist in his own space and he decides when that space overlaps with your own.

You toss the scraps one at a time around the mess, smiling in amusement as he darts between tables and clambers over chairs as he seeks out the bites you throw for him.

Leaving him to stalk and play with his food - you know he'll want to groom after he eats and not want any company - you leave the mess and head above deck. The air is cool and sharp but the mug of coffee is warm in your hands as you stand on the main deck. The sky ripples with red clouds that move in fast from the West.

You nod at the few crewmembers on deck, leaving them to their tasks as you drink your coffee and watch the sky. It's beautiful now, but in a few hours time, you know that beauty will reveal teeth. Much like the cat, really.

On the upper deck you spot Alex's quarters, and somehow, you know they're awake inside. The thought comes to you suddenly, and you take another sip of the warm drink cupped in your hands, contemplating.

You know Alex; you know it's likely they didn't sleep well last night. Alex worries things. The little thoughts that nip and nag at you can be pushed away until you have time to deal with them. For Alex, they hover and press and bite at Alex until Alex gives in, beginning to stress and stew and work themself up. You can put things aside to focus on the task at hand, Alex can't always do that.

And Alex goes headfirst into everything. It's the little things that can suddenly be worked up until they become larger than they are; until worrying over them consumes more and more of Alex's time.

You set your empty mug down on the deck, near the rail and out of the way, and walk to Alex's quarters.

They're stuck in their head, you can see it as soon as you enter. Alex registers that you're there, but they don't truly see you.

And maybe with someone else that would be okay, you'd leave them alone to work through their thoughts.

But you know Alex; you know that Alex will worry and work themself up until they make themself sick, and they don't need to. You aren't over what happened, how Alex behaved, but you understand why they did what they did.

And Maggie's asked for space, not to leave Alex's presence entirely. Maggie just needs time.

Alex needs reassurance. And, more importantly, Alex needs to sleep. When Alex is anxious they don't sleep; they toss and they turn and their mind never stops. And you know that's what happened to Alex last night. You can see it in their movements, how slow and languid they are. And you can see it on their face, how they stare right through you as they speak, still half lost in their own doubts.

So you coax Alex back to bed, you run your hand through their hair and encourage them to close their eyes. You let Alex talk out what they're thinking and you say what they need to hear to help them find some inner calm. But you keep circling back to them going back to sleep because you know this is what Alex needs the most right now.

Sleep, and the knowledge that you are still here, that you will always be here for them.

You love them, and they know this, but it's always good to remind Alex sometimes. To assure them that the sun will still rise, no matter the weather the night before and that you'll still be there to challenge them, to assure them, and to love them when the dawn breaks.

* * *

That evening you seek out Maggie.

She's been keeping space between herself and Alex. Which is not at all surprising; in the short time you've known her, you've come to realize that Maggie likes her own space to work through what's bothering her. And Maggie's still in pain, as are you, over Alex's actions the past few days.

But you know Alex's heart.

And it's because you know Alex's heart that you seek out Maggie.

She's in the berth, in her sleep clothes and sitting on her bed, braiding her hair.

"Hey, Mags."

She twists, trying to look over her shoulder at you while still threading her fingers through her hair. "Hey, Luce." She turns back around and focuses on her hair again.

Your eyes sweep over the room and you subtly gesture a request for your crewmates to vacate the space. You want to talk to Maggie in a space she's comfortable in, and as completely public a sleeping space as this is, there's a part of it that is Maggie's own.

She doesn't pick up on it right away as you move to sit on Clark's bed and face her. But once she finishes with tying her hair up she glances around the space. "Did I blink and miss it when you scared everyone else off?"

You smile, one corner of your mouth quirking higher. "I didn't scare them. I'm not threatening all the time, you know."

She scoffs. "Could have fooled me."

"At least I'm pleasant when I'm threatening."

"Oh, yeah. Butter you up and then stab you. That's you, Lucy."

"Mm," you muse, "I'm better with a pistol than with knives. But a girl has to create her own excitement where she can."

"My point still stands." Maggie looks around the empty room again. "I'm guessing you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah, about Alex."

The playful look on Maggie's face drains away. She lets out a breath and her shoulders droop, and to most people, it would look like Maggie is closing herself off to the conversation. But you've spent a lot of time getting to know Maggie, and you know she isn't so much closing herself off as she is preparing herself, opening herself up for what's to come.

Maggie tends to assume the worst of things; Maggie has confidence but she isn't always as self-confident as she makes everyone think she is.

It's a trait she shares with Alex.

"Alex said that..." She shakes her head at herself, looking bewildered. "That they have feelings for me."

And that is something that both surprised you, and didn't. You could see how completely captivated Alex was with Maggie her first few days on board the ship. You didn't want to push them; you know Alex spooks like a skittish horse and will charge off in the opposite direction at the first sign of something new, so you tried to go slow. You tried to help Alex into situations where they could have some time alone with Maggie.

You planted the idea of a late night snack in Maggie's head when you'd seen Alex pacing the deck the night after leaving London, knowing the sleeping ship might offer the two of them time to talk and get to know each other.

You encouraged Alex and Maggie to take the day in Rotterdam after Max... after Max made Alex see black and made you see red.

And you were the one to make Maggie eat breakfast with Alex the morning after Le Havre, when Alex was being tense and strange and you were too hung over to dig into why, but had hoped Maggie's calming presence might ease whatever was bothering Alex.

But then something changed and Alex grew hard around Maggie so you backed off. You thought maybe you'd read Alex wrong or that you were pushing too hard, too fast.

And then Alex grew hard around you, grew angry with you, and your own temperament made you back off instead of pressing Alex harder.

Which you should have, you should have pushed harder, you see that now. If you had pushed to see what was really bothering Alex, the three of you wouldn't be in such a mess. But Alex is far from the only stubborn one on deck.

With any other crew member you know you would have pushed back. But Alex is special. Alex is your closest friend. You know that the harder you push them, the more they just push back. Alex is good at burying their feelings, burying their problems, down into a place that even they can't always reach, to a place where they start to truly believe nothing is wrong.

The harder you push, the harder Alex pushes back. You should have pressed Alex harder to admit what was wrong, you know that now, but at the time it seemed like backing off and giving Alex space was what they needed more. That letting Alex stew in whatever was bothering them would at least let them work through their problem instead of convincing themself it didn't exist.

But you also know Alex, you know destructive behaviour, and you know that the two of them can go hand in hand. So when you felt Alex had reached that dark limit, where enough was enough, where any longer and things could start to get dangerous, well, the crew jokingly call you the lioness on deck for a reason.

You are fierce when protecting the ones you care about.

It may have looked like you were only defending yourself against Alex's rage, but you know that in that explosive moment you were more focused on protecting Alex from themself.

You were going to wait until the ship had made it across the Atlantic before confronting Alex about what was bothering them. You were going to wait until you had reached the harbour; when it wouldn't seem to Alex like they were trapped, surrounded by ocean and with nowhere to run. You were going to wait until you'd reached safety from the threat of Lex's deadly grasp.

But a lioness will only lie in wait, hidden in the tall grass, for so long before she springs forward and charges, teeth bared and courage bursting.

You smile at Maggie. "Alex does have feelings for you. How do you feel about that?" you ask even though you know the answer. You've been Maggie's confidant. You know exactly how she feels about Alex.

"I mean, relieved, and happy, but," she leans back on her hands. Her posture is open, not defensive. "Confused. And hurt."

You nod. You wait. You know Maggie will take her time to work through her words to make sure she's saying exactly what she feels.

"Alex is someone that I... that I care about, that I could see myself caring deeply for." She huffs. "You know how I feel about them."

"I do," you reply slowly.

You and Maggie have developed a fast but close friendship since she joined the crew. You're both stubborn and direct, and you both know how to flirt and tease. But where you know how to read a crowd Maggie seems more at ease in one - she has an easy comfort with people that seemed to compliment your own personality well.

Joking around with Maggie was easy, like there was a long-standing friendship there instead of only a few short weeks. She sparked a playfulness in you that you weren't expecting. She has a good heart and she appreciates your crass humour and encourages your dramatic flair, laughing wholeheartedly instead of just rolling her eyes and hiding a smirk like Alex does.

You've become fast friends. And like a lioness you protect those you care about, you don't like to see them hurting. Which is why you're here with Maggie now.

"And I can't say I'm not relieved," she goes on, "knowing they feel the same way. It makes everything I'm feeling easier, makes it valid. But..." she trails off and sighs, and her sigh says all that she can't form into words.

Maggie's been hurt, and Maggie needs time both to lick her wounds in private and to work out if she wants to risk getting hurt again. Because Maggie's been burned before. Maggie's been burned many times over in her life, and you can read that she's starting to close herself off the older she gets, that the Maggie you know now is likely very different from the Maggie who grew up in a small fishing village outside of Lisbon.

The people you trust most in the world disowning you can do that to you.

You have a strong hunch that she will risk getting hurt again; there are days when she looks at Alex like Alex is the only one in the room. Where her eyes grow soft and her smile softer and Alex carries on, brilliant but naive to how Maggie's looking at them.

"But now," Maggie goes on, and you can see the hurt reflected on her face. The way she guards herself but still shows you more than she shows most. "After the way they acted, I don't know if... I still feel the same, but I don't know if I want to anymore."

Maggie watches you, watches your face, your reaction to her words. Like she knows you will defend Alex - and you will - but like Maggie expects that you won't defend her, too.

You've spent a lot of time with Maggie, carefully helping her understand who Alex is as a person. Maggie accepted Alex after that first encounter in the market in Portugal. But you made sure Maggie didn't just accept Alex, but that she understood and respected Alex, too.

You didn't say what wasn't yours to say - Alex had the right to choose how much to share with her. But you helped Maggie test out 'they' the first time. You explained Alex's binding and Alex's short hair and helped her understand some of the insecurities Alex carries.

You learned that Maggie _wanted_ to understand and respect Alex.

And you spent time getting to know Maggie as a person; to find out her intentions and see if she was good enough for Alex, if she'd be there for Alex, if she'd be what Alex needs and would help Alex to continue to grow and accept and become comfortable with themself.

And you'd determined that Maggie was all of that and more.

Which is why you're going to push Maggie now, just like you pushed Alex yesterday after the fight in the mess.

They're both stubborn; they both work hard to protect themselves from the harshness they expect from the world. But you've worked your way behind both of their walls because you care about them individually - and together, you can see how good they would be for each other.

And because you care about them you're going to use your position behind their guard to help them both. Which means not just defending Alex, but defending Maggie as well.

"You're not wrong to feel that way, Maggie."

Maggie scoffs and brushes off your concern, but you expected that. You stay on Clark's bed, crossing your legs under you and placing your hands on your knees, laying your full attention on Maggie.

With Alex, it's all about physical touch and reassurance. With Alex, it's about helping calm Alex's fears so they can work through the problem that's before them.

With Maggie, it's all about eye contact. With Maggie, it's about making sure Maggie knows she's heard so she doesn't back down from the problem before her.

"Hear me out," you request of her, which are words Maggie respects and responds to. On her nod, you go on, "I don't blame you for feeling angry with them, Mags. I don't blame you for second guessing and doubting how you feel now because you've seen a different side of Alex." You laugh lightly, helping her to relax. "Alex carries a lot inside themself and sometimes they don't express what they're carrying in the best way. In the healthiest way."

"I just don't understand how they can be that... that mean. They said they have feelings for me but that's not what you do when you like someone."

You smile gently at her so she knows you aren't mad, so she understands that just because you are Alex's best friend that she can still talk freely with you, that she can express her anger and frustration and pain with how things have turned out.

"Try to think about things from Alex's perspective."

"Which is?"

"Which is," you laugh fully, saying bluntly, "that Alex can be terrible at expressing their real feelings. Alex is... Alex is a disaster on their good days."

She bristles. "That doesn't exactly make me feel better, Luce."

"I'm getting there."

And you are. You're going to help Maggie understand exactly what you know now was going on inside Alex's head the past three weeks.

Because Alex is worth it.

And so is Maggie, you're sure of this.

You think of yourself as Alex's protector. You've never mentioned this to them, but it's a role you've found yourself falling into the longer you knew them. Alex has a habit of seeing and taking things exactly as they are, of getting so caught up and focused in the moment that they act based on what they believe people will say, instead of hearing them out first.

Alex lives and breathes in the grey. But Alex grew up in a world that was convinced everything was black and white and even though Alex doesn't see the world that way sometimes they carry that way of thinking with them. Alex can have a narrow field of vision and be thrown when things don't go according to plan.

That isn't to say Alex doesn't always have a backup plan. Or multiple backup plans. Alex is thorough and calculating and very aware of the world around them.

But sometimes Alex wears blinders and can't see what's right in front of them.

Which, in this case, is Maggie, and how much Maggie cares for them.

And Maggie is worth helping the two of them through the mess they're sitting in. If you can get them to finally see eye to eye, to finally see how much they care about each other, how deeply their feelings run and how they could grow into something like love, it will be worth it. All of the pain Alex threw at you over the last few days will be more than worth it.

Because you love Alex.

So you will be Alex's defender. You will interpret and translate Alex's actions into something Maggie can understand.

You can't tell Maggie what to do, you can't push her into Alex's arms. But you can nudge her as close as you can to the edge and trust that she'll take the leap.

Alex did. Alex leapt. Alex told you how they felt, and then Alex told Maggie how they felt.

Now Maggie needs to jump, and you will guide her there.

You watch Maggie's face as you start. She's defensive and she's hurting. But there's a longing in her expression that says something inside her is begging you to help her understand because she doesn't want to be mad at Alex, she cares too much as it is to want to stay angry with them.

Your job as Alex's protector is to help Maggie care even more.

"Alex... Alex is noble in their own way," you begin. "They're ambitious, sure, but Alex's primary focus is themself and the people closest to them. Alex is always thinking about the crew, about how to keep everyone safe. Alex will do whatever it takes, that's just who they are."

Maggie nods her understanding and shifts on her bed, mirroring your pose.

You continue, "Alex's world revolves around making the tough choices - not just because they're the Captain, but because that's who they are in their heart." You sigh because the truth of your next words is heavy. "And in this situation, Maggie, the tough choice was either to tell you how they felt or to choose not to get in the way of you and me."

"But there wasn't-"

"I know, Mags," you assure her. "I know. But the thing is that Alex didn't know. Alex had feelings for you, saw us together, and jumped to conclusions. They didn't know what to do. And because Alex is Alex, they made a sacrifice - our happiness over their own. Alex will always be the Captain first. It's part of who they are. The crew comes first. The crew _always_ comes first. For them, it wasn't a matter of coming to me, or you, about how they felt."

"It was easier for them not to talk about it," Maggie reflects.

You nod seriously. "Alex is nothing if not awkward most of the time and they'll do anything to avoid uncomfortable situations. Not just because they're the Captain, but because Alex is human. You have to give them a break; just because you and I think it would have been an easy conversation, doesn't mean Alex did. You can't judge Alex for not telling you how they felt, for avoiding the issue instead of addressing it. We all do that, we all avoid things we don't want to talk about."

Maggie opens her mouth but you know what she's going to say so you add, "Mags, it's not like you told Alex how you felt either."

"I thought I made it pretty clear I was interested in them."

"To me? Sure. I've seen how you interact with them. But Maggie, this is Alex we're talking about. Sometimes if you don't spell it out for them, they will completely miss the point. Alex can recognize when I flirt with people, but they'll never recognize someone flirting with _them_ unless they are explicitly told so. Alex spent so long hiding behind a mask that they can't comprehend that now, who they are now, can still be desirable."

Maggie's face changes; the words you've said have caught her off guard. She frowns as she reflects on this and you see a new pain cross her face, a sympathy for Alex.

What you've said is true but you don't want this to just be about Alex falling somewhere between man and woman. That's part of who Alex is, yes, and some of their insecurities stem from that, from living in dresses and curls for so long only to flee to the sky and have other sailors look down on them for expressing who they are.

But some of their doubts stem deeper than that. Alex's anxieties and fears make up part of who Alex is as a person. Their gender is one part of many. It is an important part, but it is not the only part. And you don't want to reduce Alex to just their gender, don't want to excuse their insecurities simply because of their gender.

And you want Maggie to understand this, so you go on, "I love them, but it's just how they are. It's how they've always been. And it's not only because they've been uncomfortable in their skin for so long, it's just... it's just Alex. Alex is never going to think you're interested in them. It's a belief they'll always carry, a doubt that will always sit with them. Even platonically; it took months before Alex realized that I wanted to be their friend because I honestly liked them, that there was no hidden motive. Alex is driven by ambition, and sometimes they forget that it isn't a driving force for everyone else."

It took months before Alex was comfortable being themself around you, before they realized that you genuinely liked and cared about them. That you being their friend had nothing to do with you wanting to Captain your own ship one day, and everything to do with you enjoying their company and liking them as a person.

Aside from Kara, Alex didn't grow up with friends. Alex grew up with colleagues. Alex is still learning about friends and all the things that come along with friendship.

And as much as this all could have been avoided if Alex had opened up and communicated what they were feeling, you don't blame them. Humans avoid conflict, and Alex is only human.

And it's not like you communicated to Alex that you and Maggie weren't together. You didn't know they'd seen the two of you kiss, sure, but it's not like you jokingly offered up the tidbit as something to laugh over with them. You kept that to yourself. You chose not to share yours and Maggie's drunken kiss with Alex.

"Okay," Maggie agrees. "It isn't Alex's fault for keeping how they were feeling to themself. They were afraid of what was going to happen." She sighs heavily. "Doesn't make how they acted any less painful. I can't just ignore that."

You smile sadly at her. "I know, and I don't want you to ignore how you're feeling. Maggie, I get that you're mad. I do. What Alex did, treating you, treating both of us, like that? It wasn't right. We both know that. But remember they were only doing it because they thought that was what needed to be done. They were protecting themself. Alex has a terrible habit of pushing down their feelings." You pause, focusing on Maggie's eyes, wanting to stress your next words. "It's taken them a long time to become comfortable with who they are now, to become the person you see now. Alex spent a long time pushing everything down; they're still learning that they don't need to keep doing that."

"So you're saying you forgive them?"

You consider Maggie's question carefully. You do forgive Alex. You haven't forgotten, the pain is still fresh, being pushed away and ignored and yelled at repeatedly hurt you. It isn't something you can wave off.

But you love Alex, and keeping Alex in your life is more important than making them feel miserable, making them grovel and doubt every move they make around you now because they know you're mad at them.

You love Alex so you want to forgive them because you want to help Alex to grow. That's what it comes down to for you. Alex won't be able to grow, won't be able to forgive themself, unless you can forgive them first.

Maggie doesn't love Alex. You think she could, one day. But right now you know her feelings for Alex are not love; her motivation for forgiving Alex is not the same as yours. So you need to help Maggie find an incentive to forgive Alex that will still satisfy her and validate how she feels.

"I do," you say honestly, working through the words as they come to you. "Did it hurt, watching Al push me away without knowing why? Yeah, it did. And I'm not saying you should forgive Alex right away. What I'm saying is you need to keep in mind why they did it. They managed to hurt everyone around them because they were trying not to hurt anyone but themself. They're my best friend and I can see how much they care about you. And I know you care about them."

Maggie smiles in that way you do when you're infatuated with someone. She blushes and brings her fingers above her chin, trying to hide the smile.

You've done that purposely; let Maggie know that she isn't expected to forgive Alex right away, but also remind her how deep her feelings already run.

If Alex trying to push down their feelings was what brought about this mess, you aren't going to let Maggie try and push her own feelings down. The pain she's feeling is valid, but you don't want her to lose sight of what made her fall for Alex in the first place.

"I'm not saying you need to forgive them with no questions asked. I would never ask you to do that, Maggie. What they did was cruel, if unintentional. But don't be too hard on them. Alex is going to be hard enough on themself."

Maggie smiles at that; she already knows Alex well enough to know that fact.

"So, you want me to try and forgive them, eventually?"

"I do." Alex has found the courage to admit their mistake, so you've found the strength and the peace of mind to forgive them, and you hope Maggie can do the same.

"Roaming Star is about acceptance and forgiveness, not about division. A divided crew is not a sound one, Mags."

And that gets her to laugh; her entire face breaks, brows crinkling and dimples showing. "You had me going until that, Luce."

"I set myself up perfectly; figured I should take it."

She rolls her eyes at you but you can still see the wheels turning in her mind. You stand, knowing she'll need time alone to process what you've said. She smiles at you, grateful that you've done this for her, that you've shown her what you know lies in Alex's head, in Alex's heart.

"Don't hold in the anger," you say, your final gift to her. "We're sailing into rough waters now. We don't need any more darkness. What we need now are laughter and light, and forgiveness might help you get there."

"Thank you, Lucy."

"Anytime, Mags. I mean that."

You smile at her again and then slip from the room, leaving Maggie to sort out what she wants to do. You've helped her as best you can, and now she needs to decide if she wants to take the final leap or not.

You make your way above deck, curling up at the prow to watch the sun go down. The cat finds you and cosies up in your lap all on his own. You don't look down at him. You keep your eyes on the wash of colours bleeding into the sea, but once he's settled you let your fingers run through his thick fur.

"They'll be okay," you tell the cat. "The two of them, they'll figure this out. I know they will."

The sky is a scary place, and jumping into the unknown is hard, but you know the ground is never too far from the sky. Sometimes you need to be unafraid to fall in order for the leap to be all the more gratifying. You know that something will always be there to catch you, and now you need to trust that Maggie and Alex will catch each other.

 


	11. The Atlantic Part 4 - First Blush

Alex is sitting on their bed and watching the early dawn rise when Lucy knocks on their door.

"Hey," she says as she slips inside. "I thought you might be up."

Alex nods towards the porthole. "Watching the sunrise." The small window doesn't do the view justice. It doesn't show how vivid and deep the hues of red are, painted across the vast sky. The warm yellows and oranges peak just over the horizon, fading to red to crimson and then to black over the clouds that ripple across the sky.

But it's safer in here than braving the deck to watch the sky. Not after the shouting match in front of everyone yesterday in the mess. Not when Alex can't meet the eyes of their crewmates.

Not after Maggie said no.

After all this, after Alex finally admitting everything, and she still said no.

Alex wants to hide in their quarters forever.

"Why are you up so early?" Lucy asks, voice soft in the quiet room.

"Why are you?"

She smiles. "Because I'm looking after you. Why are you up so early?" she repeats.

Alex sighs and starts, "I asked Kara to change the course, I need-"

"The crew can manage a course adjustment without your supervision, Al. Go back to sleep."

Alex gestures to the clothes they're wearing, ready for the day. "I'm already up."

(They are dressed and ready for the day, but they've been sitting on their bed for a long time, too afraid to go out on deck.)

(Even though Alex apologized to Kara their sister's sad, frightened eyes still haunt Alex. So do the expressions of the rest of their crewmates from in the mess last night.)

Lucy smiles to herself and then moves across the room, coaxing Alex to lay back down. Alex faces the window so they can still watch the colours of the early dawn as Lucy slips in behind them, pressing close.

Alex wants to protest but their body is too drained from the emotional ups and downs of yesterday. Their head feels foggy and their limbs feel heavy. Lucy's soft touches are enough to get Alex to lay back down and relax without a fight.

Alex suspects Lucy knows this.

"I talked to Maggie," Alex says.

"I know."

"It didn't-"

"Give her time," Lucy says into Alex's back. "I'll talk to her, but give her time."

Alex tries to roll over so they can face Lucy, but she drapes an arm over Alex's side, the light weight effectively pinning Alex's exhausted self where they are. "You... you'll talk to her?" They aren't sure what that means.

"Mmhm."

"What... what are you going to say?" They aren't sure they want to know what that means.

"She cares about you, too, Alex. She's just a little sore right now. But I'll make sure she understands why you acted the way you did."

Alex stares out the porthole, blinking rapidly. "She...?"

(Maggie has feelings for Alex?)

(That can't be real. It can't be.)

"I said that so you'll respect why she needs space, and to help you find some calm, not to put words in her mouth. Let Maggie come to you when she's ready. Let her tell you how she feels. Can you live with that?"

"Yes," Alex whispers.

They have to push what Lucy's said out of their mind - they can't think about it, can't focus on it. If Lucy wants Alex to be calm then the only way they can achieve that is to forget what she's said, otherwise they'll think themselves sick trying to understand what Lucy meant.

Lucy nuzzles her face between Alex's shoulder blades, her body curled against Alex's. "Good. Now just relax."

"I have-"

"The ship is fine, Al. You need to sleep."

"I slept all night, Luce."

"Mm. Fitful, I imagine."

And she's not wrong. Despite how worn out Alex was, by the time they left Kara's safe arms and went to bed their body felt too tired to sleep. The night was spent in a restless half-slumber, reliving the emotional highs and lows of the past few days.

It shouldn't be surprising to Alex that Lucy has surmised this all on her own.

"So you want me to take a nap? Right now?"

"I do."

"A nap," Alex repeats. "First thing in the morning?"

"Yes, Alex." Alex can hear the gentle teasing in her voice as she says this, but then she goes on more firmly, "Your body, your mind, your heart, is exhausted right now. You need to rest, you need calm, so everything inside you can start to work it's way back to normal."

"How do you know that?"

Lucy scoffs. "Because I _am_ capable of human emotions. I experience them frequently, even." She swats at Alex's shoulder playfully. "And I know you," she goes on honestly. "I know you better than most. I know you're absolutely drained right now, but you'll get up anyway because you have a job to do. I'm the same way. Which is why I want you to take a nap."

"Is it a nap if I've only just woken up?"

"Alex, you can call it whatever you like. But your body needs rest." Her finger starts trailing up and down Alex's arm, drawing shapeless, soothing patterns on their skin.

"I'm not tired," Alex insists.

Lucy huffs. "You're impossible."

"Actually, I think you're the impossible one."

"True, I am. You're just being impossible right now."

"So long as we're clear on the distinction."

"Alex. Sleep."

Alex smiles and quiets. They focus on the sunrise, watching as the watercolour of sunlight against the clouds peaks up from the horizon. Despite their insistence that they aren't tired, Alex's mind begins to drift and slow down. Lucy's mindless patterns help to coax them into a relaxed state, something they couldn't achieve last night, despite their exhaustion. Alex sighs as Lucy's touch lulls them into a calmness they haven't felt for a while.

Because they pushed everyone away.

Alex's brain starts right back up again, calm slipping away. "I cried a lot yesterday," they start.

"You did."

"And... And I shouted a lot. At you."

Lucy hushes them and gives Alex's arm a reassuring squeeze. "And you and I talked, and we'll be okay. I don't need you to apologise right now. Right now, I need you to close your eyes."

"How do you know they aren't already closed?"

"Do you really need me to dignify that with an answer?"

Alex laughs quietly. "No." Lucy knows them too well.

"There will be lots more sunrises to watch in the future. You can skip the rest of this one. Close your eyes, please?"

"Okay."

"Good."

They can feel Lucy's hot, soft breath on the back of their neck. Her body is warm and secure, pressed close to Alex. And it reminds Alex that even at their darkest, Lucy will always have their back.

"Lucy?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"Thank you. For being you."

"I am quite exceptional."

Alex groans. "You know what I mean."

"I do," she chuckles.

Their eyes are closed, and their tired body is beginning to drift, to loosen and relax under Lucy's touch, Lucy's watchful eye, Lucy's safe presence.

A stray thought comes to Alex right as they teeter towards sleep.

"Do you think-"

"If the rest of that sentence has to do with Maggie, or Lex, I'd like you to stop right now," Lucy whispers, fingertips drumming along Alex's arm.

Alex stops.

Lucy sighs. "Which one?"

"Lex," Alex says, voice soft.

"We can worry about pirates later, Alex. I really would like you to try and sleep some more. Your body needs it. You're physically and emotionally drained. A nap will help. Please, try?"

"You'll stay?"

Lucy hesitates before asking, "You want me to stay until you fall back asleep?"

"Is that okay?"

Lucy presses a kiss to their shoulder in response.

Alex sleeps.

* * *

It's late-morning when Alex steps on deck. The air is cooler today, the sun weakly peaking out from between overcast clouds. The thick blanket over the sky looks bright enough now, but Alex can see the edges of darkness on the horizon. They don't need Kara's weather tracking or Vasquez' mariners rhymes to know there's a storm ahead of them.

Alex shares a grateful smile with Lucy when they pass her on deck. They feel well-rested. They feel better. They feel calm.

Alex can't remember what it was like sailing without having Lucy watch over them. She can be challenging and brazen and a saucy voice in Alex's ear most of the time, but Alex wouldn't want her any other way.

Kara and M'gann stand at the prow, smiling and giggling at each other. Kara's cheeks and ears are pink and she fidgets where she stands, hands clenched into fists against her chest as she smiles, so Alex has a sense of what M'gann is teasing their sister about.

"Storm ahead?" they ask as they approach.

Kara smiles and bobs her head excitedly, grateful for a distraction from M'gann's playful taunting. "It looks far off. We'll hit some bad air and rough skies, that's for sure. But it could rain itself out before it hits us."

"And if we change course?"

M'gann smiles at their words, but she looks unsurprised that Alex has come to their senses. Her eyes trace up and down over Alex, cataloguing something Alex can't see, but she looks satisfied with what she finds.

She claps her hand on Alex's shoulder, squeezing reassuringly as she draws Alex to stand between herself and Kara.

Kara looks out over the nose of the ship, studying the sky and humming to herself as she works through Alex's question. "The wind is coming in strong from the West. Even with a few degrees change, I don't know that it would make enough difference. A big storm is a big storm, and this looks like it will stretch pretty far. But again, it might run itself out before we reach it. That would be nice."

"It won't hurt, though?" Alex clarifies. "Changing course?"

"No," Kara says, eyes still focused on the sky, seeing much more from it than Alex or M'gann can. "I'll go down to the bridge and take a look at some of the mech to confirm. But I think," she glances at Alex and smiles. "I think it would be a good idea."

Alex nods. "It's on your call then. You'll adjust your sights for Halifax?"

She smiles and nods her head, fingers playing with the lace of her corset. "Aye, Captain."

Alex rolls their eyes and motions for Kara to go below. When she's gone, Alex turns to M'gann, who's looking expectantly at them.

"What?"

"Nothing," M'gann says easily. "Just proud of you."

"For what? For changing course?"

"For that, yes," she says, and Alex can see the laughter dancing in her eyes. "And for admitting your feelings."

Alex's lips part with surprise. Their mouth suddenly feels very dry as their cheeks start to grow warm. "I..."

M'gann winks and wraps an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Don't worry about Maggie, she'll be okay. Just give her some time."

"I..."

Chuckling at Alex, M'gann turns them so they lean with their backs against the prow, looking out at the deck.

Alex still isn't sure how to formulate what they want to say. "How..."

M'gann gives them a gentle squeeze. "I knew you had feelings for her, Alex. I told you, I watch. It was pretty obvious. I just couldn't figure out what was holding you back."

Alex opens their mouth to speak but M'gann speaks over them. "It doesn't matter what it was. It's been settled, hasn't it? I can see now, that weight is off your chest. I'm happy for you."

"But Maggie-"

M'gann's eyes are soft as she looks at Alex. "Don't fret over it, Alex. Trust me." She gives Alex another squeeze. "I watch people. Not a lot gets past me. Trust me. Just give her some space, and things will work out. She just needs some time."

* * *

Winn is talking with Lena when Alex gives the command for a slight adjustment to the sails.

He doesn't notice the crew hauling on the lines to change the angle of the yards, he's too engrossed in his conversation. But he does look up when he feels the ship begin to turn as Clark adjusts the keel from the bridge. His head snaps up when he feels the wind seem to change direction.

He excuses himself from Lena and walks towards Alex. "We're changing course?" he asks carefully.

"We are."

And because he's Winn, he doesn't gloat. He stands quietly and processes this, glancing at the sails, and then looks at Alex and gives a shy smile and bob of his head in acknowledgement.

"I've had Clark reduce our speed, as well. We sail for Halifax, and no longer at a speed that will push the engines to their breaking point."

Winn hardly moves, but Alex can see the change in him, the way the tension seems to ease from his shoulders, rolling off and allowing him to stand a little easier before his Captain.

Alex frowns and runs a hand through their hair. "I'm sorry, Winn."

He nods. "It's, uh, it's okay."

"No," they shake their head and reach out, touching his arm before he tries to turn away. "It's not okay. The way I acted, what I said..." Alex frowns harder and bites down on their lip. "I was out of line. I should never have spoken to you like that. I'm sorry."

He gives a little shrug. "You were doing what you thought was best."

"So were _you_ ," Alex insists. "And my job as Captain is to _listen_ to you, not to order you."

"Well," Winn starts, "I mean technically-"

They don't speak over him, they don't cut him off. But Alex gives his arm a gentle squeeze, asking him to let them speak.

"I'm not talking about technicalities. I'm talking about how I treated you, and James - how I treated everyone was wrong. I'm sorry. I should have trusted you. I do trust you. I was just... I'm sorry. You deserve better than that from me."

Growing bashful, Winn smiles and glances away. Alex lets their hand drop, and he reaches up to scratch at the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, it's okay. We're okay, Alex."

They search his face, looking for any hesitation, any doubt, any resentment. But Winn just smiles, and he looks happy, and Alex lets themself relax.

Roaming Star is still somewhere over the Atlantic, headed for Canada now and then to New York. They still sail through skies that could also carry Lex. Bloody Steed or any other of the Luthor fleet could pounce on them without warning.

But Alex's family is still a family. Alex has not driven away the ones closest to them. Winn is still their brother, Lucy is still their right hand, and Kara is still their light.

And maybe, hopefully, Maggie will find her place in Alex's family too.

* * *

Maggie said she needed space and Alex tries to respect that.

But it seems that Maggie needing space and Maggie needing to be alone are not the same thing. 

The two seem on unsure footing so Alex tries to keep their distance from Maggie that day but it quickly becomes apparent that Maggie still wants to be close to Alex. 

She's learned a lot in the past three weeks. She doesn't need Alex's constant coaching, but Maggie hovers near Alex like she used to before Alex started pushing her away. She looks to Alex for direction on what to do and when to do it, even if she has a better handle on skysailing now. 

Alex tries to let Maggie make all the moves between the two of them. They walk and let Maggie be the one to follow, wanting to respect her request for space. And they will their heart not to beat too fast each time Maggie does follow, each time Maggie hovers, each time Maggie speaks, each time Maggie laughs at something Alex says. 

They aren't sure what this means. Maggie is good at socializing. She can easily find her footing in a group of people. And Alex isn't sure if this is just that, if now that Maggie knows her presence isn't unwelcome she's comfortable being around Alex, or if it means something more. 

Alex tries their hardest not to think about what Lucy said earlier. 

The skies start to become rockier as the morning drags on. The red sky of morning has long since bled into the grey of an approaching storm. The wind is sharp and strong as Roaming Star sails onwards across the ocean. Kara - who spends more of her free time on deck now that there are no cities and noise directly below - sits in a precarious position at the prow, straddling the bowsprit and letting her feet dangle in the open air. Behind her on the deck are a scattering of her books and weathering instruments.

Kara has a blissful look on her face, enjoying the wind rushing past her and the completely unhindered look at the sky before her. 

Alex has learned not to hover when she does this.

Lena has not.

It is amusing, endearing even, how wide Lena's eyes are as she tracks every shift in Kara's position from where she stands with her feet firmly planted on the deck a few paces away.

But Kara knows what she's doing. Kara has a fearless streak in her that pushes her to do some rather daring things, but Kara also knows her limits and when the winds start to become too strong she gets down. 

At one point, when Roaming Star hits a particularly bad patch of air and the ship rolls and quakes in the darkening sky Kara calls out that they will hit the rain within fifteen minutes. 

They hit it in fourteen.

The rain is strong but not the worst Alex has sailed through, but when it does hit it's like a wall of pounding water all the same.

On their new bearing for Halifax and in territory they are not familiar with - Roaming Star hasn't run the Atlantic in over a year - Kara does not know enough about the weather system they are flying into to be able to direct them around it, or even know the extent of how far it stretches. She does advise against sailing over it because of the pressure change that will be present in the air above the storm, but that is the most advice she can offer. 

The sky becomes darker and darker the further they fly into the rain, but there is no lightning, no thunder, so onward the ship sails. 

(Alex is grateful.)

Roaming Star bucks and rocks as it flies through the turbulent air as if it were flying over rough seas and strong waves. The rain is cold and the wind is even colder, blasting into them with an icy, choking grip.

They fly close-reach, letting the wind hit the port side at an angle to keep them relatively on course. They do not force the ship, however. The Deckhands above and the Helmscrew below let Roaming Star choose a path. They listen and feel how the ship sails through the air and make their adjustments on the fly, letting the ship shift as it hits bad patches of air. Kara will always be able to get them back on course by the time the storm ends.

Once the crew strikes the upper yards and takes in the royal and topgallant sails Alex begins sending the crew below deck in shifts so they can take turns keeping warm.

After a time, J'onn has to manhandle Alex across the deck to get them to take their turn at being dry. 

Alex checks in at the Helm first; this is the busiest place to be during a storm. Clark and his mates are almost like a separate crew in their own right, moving back and forth across the cabin, giving readings from the pressure gauges and barometers, calling out their altitude, compass bearing, and internal and external temperatures all as Clark stands at the wheel. Their words subtly influencing how he directs the ship's flight through the storm. 

James is in the cabin as well. He is on his back on the floor as he makes repairs to one of the instrument panels that controls much of the mech on the ship. The Helmscrew stumble and awkwardly leap over him in an attempt not to step on him; the space is cramped with mech and they are unused to his long legs being in their way. 

Only once both Clark and James have assured Alex that everything is sound does Alex make their way to the mess, where M'gann has warm food and drinks waiting. 

Unless all hands are needed on deck, M'gann is one of the lucky few that can stay below during a storm. Her job is to make sure that everyone that does come below can get warm. It involves not just feeding them warm food, but also watching their movements and their speech, to ensure no one is suffering from exposure.

(At which point Alex is notified and blankets are piled on.)

Winn makes an effort to sit with Alex while they eat, both as a way of showing Alex that he forgives them and as a subtle symbol to the rest of the crew. They all trust Alex with their lives, but Alex was out of line the other night.

It's a small gesture from Winn, but it's enough for the crew. And it means the world to Alex.

Their family is still a family.

* * *

The sky ripples with hues of pink and orange as the sun sets before Alex the following night. There is darkness along the horizon. It stretches out in either direction as the sun drops lower and lower, sinking down and soon to kiss the surface of the water. The clouds drift slowly, painting the sky in fluid patterns of lightness and shadows as the sun continues its descent. The pinks and roses begin to bleed into oranges and reds the longer Alex watches.

The water far down below is grey and still, as if even the waves of the ocean are tired from a long day's work.

It is a peaceful evening; one of the first Alex has felt in weeks.

Standing at the bow with J'onn, Alex only half listens to his words. They are distracted by the watercolour washed across the sky. Their heart feels light and slow. It feels like nothing can touch Alex here, like Lex and Bloody Steed must be far off because nothing that violent could stand amidst the beauty in the sky before them.

J'onn speaks of the far shores they are still at least five days from reaching. Alex has only been to Halifax a half dozen times but J'onn got his start on a skyship called Lapis Queen, one that ferried cargo up and down along the East Coast from the Maritimes to as far south as Savannah, so he knows the ports along the coast well.

The cities below the sky harbours in the Americas are far different than the places Alex knows best in Europe, but the skies are still home, and sky ports are always the same no matter where they travel.

It's only the land and the cities and the people that change. The sky is constant. The sky will always be constant.

"Alex," J'onn calls, and Alex blinks a few times as they come back to the present.

They smile sheepishly at J'onn, caught day-dreaming instead of listening to his knowledge of what to expect when they reach the harbour.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. He looks fondly at Alex with a slight, happy crinkle at the corners of his eyes.

"What?" they ask.

His smile seems to grow wider and he reaches forward and clasps Alex's shoulder for a moment. "Nothing. I'm just proud of you."

Heat blooms in their cheeks as warm pride pools in their chest. Alex bites their lip as they try to hold in a bashful smile.

"I've watched you grow up, Alex," he starts and Alex has to glance away for a moment and suck in a quick breath. J'onn is only starting whatever it is he wants to say and already Alex is overcome with emotion at the warmth and love in his voice.

"I've watched you grow into the person you are now," he goes on. "The leader, the protector, the friend. And I want you to know how proud of you I am, how proud I am of the person you've grown to be, the person you've become. You've come a long way from the first time I met you."

Alex smiles, remembering. "When Vas..."

J'onn nods his head. "When you met Vas in London, yes. Scrawny and dirty and so clearly a runaway, demanding to join a skyship. And Vas brought you to meet with me and the Captain - what was it, an hour before we were set to cast off?"

Alex nods.

"You weren't much then," J'onn laughs and Alex feels themself coyly shrinking down in embarrassment yet also growing taller with each word of pride. "But I could see so much potential in you. Thibault wasn't sure, but I convinced him to take you on."

Alex has to look away again, too uncomfortable with the directness of J'onn's stare. They rest their elbows on the bow rail and lean forward, looking out over Roaming Star's nose. "The Captain always told me it was because he felt bad for me," Alex starts, watching the sun slowly sink lower and lower in the sky. "And he figured Vas deserved to have someone similar in age on deck, so we could keep each other company." They shrug, unsure what else to say. "I didn't cause any trouble, did what I was told, and I learned quick. I thought that was why he let me stay on."

J'onn mimics Alex's pose, leaning his weight on the bar and looking down at the dark water far below. "No, that isn't entirely true. Even then, Thibault was deep in debt. I didn't know how bad his situation was; I didn't know how many deals he had made and broken by that point. But taking you on - someone young and completely unskilled? You were another person he'd have to pay wages to. You didn't bring anything to the table."

"I really didn't," Alex mutters to themself. But if J'onn hears he doesn't address it. "So why did he take me on?"

"Because I could see something in you, Alex." He leans his weight to one side, crowding slightly into Alex's space, and Alex feels the heat in their cheeks burn with the love J'onn is projecting. "You had this drive; you weren't running away, you were running towards. That was something even I didn't have when I left home. You weren't running away from who you were, you were running towards it, towards finding yourself."

They glance at J'onn quickly, eyes tracing over the side of his face as they smile at his words.

"Those years on King's Hound, teaching you and watching you grow? They were some of my best years." Alex's heart squeezes at his words. "You were so young and eager, but you carried this determination with you. You valued kinship; you valued fraternity almost to a fault."

Alex knows exactly what he's talking about. "I jumped in front of the Captain."

When the pirates boarded and King's Hound became doomed in the sky, when they found out Captain Thibault had cheated a pirate, still Alex tried to protect him.

There is so much love in J'onn's gaze that Alex feels their fingertips tingle and their eyes threaten to tear.

"You did," J'onn agrees. "You took the bullet meant for Thibault because that's the kind of person you are. Even then, hardly two years in the sky and still as green as they come, you were something special."

Pausing, J'onn's smile seems to grow impossibly larger, and Alex knows he's about to say something big.

"That was the moment I knew you'd become a Captain one day."

Alex rocks on their feet for a moment, fingers clawing at the rail to keep them steady. "What?"

They've never heard him say this. J'onn has never told Alex this before.

He nods seriously. "It is."

"When I got shot?" Alex clarifies.

"Yes, Alex." There's a teasing lightness in his voice. "Watching you take a bullet for him, for someone we'd just learned had put all of our lives in danger? Watching you try to save someone because your loyalty to them hadn't been tarnished by learning the truth about who they were - that was the moment I knew you'd become a Captain."

Alex takes a moment to reflect on this. To understand how an impulsive and foolish thing they did when they were eighteen was what convinced J'onn that Alex would go on to become a Captain.

To understand how a completely reckless thing they did when they were eighteen was what inspired J'onn to train Alex to become a Captain. To teach them everything he knew and one day sail under Alex's orders.

Alex can feel the tears pressing stronger behind their eyes.

"J'onn," they say wetly, unsure what else to say.

"We found out that his actions had endangered the rest of our sky family and you still tried to save him, you still saw the good in him. You didn't do what was fair or right or wise. You did what was necessary to protect your family.

"That was the moment I knew I wanted to train you as a Captain. When I knew you valued people and what they meant to you over anything else. When I could see that you valued family first. You choose your family over your own happiness, over your own safety."

Alex shrugs at this. "It was an instinct."

Kara is Alex's family. First and foremost, Kara is Alex's family. And Alex would move the heavens and risk their own life to protect her and keep her safe.

But Roaming Star's crew have also become Alex's family and Alex spends every day of their life doing whatever it takes to keep them safe. Because-

"The crew comes first."

J'onn nods his head in agreement. "It does. And you've taken that to heart. You've let those words engrain themself in you and become part of you. They influence how you run this ship."

J'onn looks out over the water again and Alex quickly wipes their eyes.

"You've grown into the kind of Captain very few ever become," J'onn says seriously. "One who isn't just respected by their crew, but loved by them. Everyone on board this ship does what's asked not because they're obligated, but because you inspire them. I've watched you become a leader in the truest sense."

He looks back at them and Alex has to bite down on their lip to try and contain the shy smile that comes with his next words.

"I'm so proud of you, not just for the sailor you've grown into, but for finding yourself. For learning who you are and not letting others define you or confine you behind their walls. You've held your head up and stood tall no matter what the world has thrown at you. I am so proud of you, Alex."

It's then that J'onn's expression changes. His pride in Alex is still there, but there's a soft vulnerability now that Alex doesn't often see in J'onn.

"You know that I lost my girls a long time ago," he says. "And I still think about them all the time, I still miss them every day. But I know they would be proud of me, of what I've done."

The sun has nearly set. The soft pinks in the sky project a calmness, a peace, into Alex and they feel light.

But a heaviness seems to settle in the air around them. The seriousness of J'onn's words holds Alex breathless.

Suddenly Alex finds it hard to speak. "J'onn," they whisper.

"If T'ania was still alive, you and she would be the same age. Did you know that?"

Alex shakes their head in the negative as the tears begin to spill over.

J'onn takes a slow breath, seeming to collect himself for what he wants to say next.

"You know that this crew is my family; that I love Winn and Kara as my own children." He pauses.

Alex doesn't move.

His smile is so warm and full of love. Alex can see it deep in his eyes. "But you, Alex. You're something else, something stronger."

Alex isn't sure where he's going with this but it sounds like too much. Their voice wavers as they try to deny his words. "J'onn, I could never..."

He gives them a sad smile. "No, I'm not saying that you've replaced her, Alex. T'ania was my beautiful girl and I'll always love her. But after my wife and daughters died there was a void inside me, a pain that never seemed to heal. And I found a home in the sky, I found a peace and happiness I never thought I'd find after they died.

"But you... Watching and teaching and sailing with you?" He shakes his head as if he can't quite believe it himself. "You've healed a lot of that pain. I wasn't expecting you to, and I wasn't aware of it at first. But having you in my life has been a gift. You already know this, but I consider you like a child to me, just like my girls were. Not just part of the family I found in the sky, but I love you as if you were my own blood."

A sob breaks free and Alex starts crying in earnest now. J'onn chuckles. He takes a step back from the rail and opens his arms and Alex steps in close, letting themself be enveloped by the hug.

He holds Alex close and rubs their back as he murmurs close to their ear, "It's because I love you that I need you to hear this."

Alex tenses slightly, unsure what's to come.

But it's only J'onn's fatherly love. "I trust you, Alex. I trust you with my life. You are an amazing Captain. I may not always agree with your decisions, but I trust your heart. I trust your judgement."

Pulling away from the hug J'onn looks fondly at Alex. They give him a weak smile and wipe their tears with the heel of their hand.

He gives them a stern look. "Sometimes you may stumble. Sometimes it may seem like you've done something unforgivable - something you think the crew can never forgive you for, but also something you cannot forgive yourself for."

Alex presses their lips together as all the guilt and regret starts to rise. But J'onn halts it all with a warm hand on their shoulder.

"I want you to understand that it isn't true," he says, looking right into Alex's eyes. "You are loved and trusted and supported on this ship and I will always stand by you. The crew will always stand by you.

"I've known you almost half your life," he reminds Alex. "I know your mind, I know your intentions, I know your values, and I know your heart. Your heart is always in the right place. You've created a ship where no one has to hide, where everyone feels welcomed and safe and loved. You've created this _family_ , Alex. And we all know that. So it's okay if you stumble. It's okay if you make a mistake, even a big one. Because I know you, and I know you'll always set things right."

He smiles at Alex again before looking back out over the water, giving Alex a moment to compose themself. The sun has slipped below the horizon by now but the sky is still painted with slowly fading pinks and reds.

"Now then." He looks back at Alex and then nods across the deck. "There's a pretty girl hovering by the foremast."

Alex can't help but glance over.

Sure enough, Maggie stands by the foremast. As if she can feel Alex's gaze she looks up.

Their eyes lock and Alex feels all of the air in their lungs dissipate. Everything around them stops for a moment as Alex and Maggie watch each other.

Her face seems guarded and it pulls on Alex's heart. But she's wringing her hands and shifting her weight anxiously, as if she has been watching for some time and waiting to come speak to Alex.

J'onn only confirms this when he says, "I can tell she wants to talk to you, but she's waited patiently while you and I spoke."

They glance back at him. "J'onn, I can't..."

"Yes, you can," he assures. "I'm proud of you and I believe in you. Go and set things right with Maggie." He gives Alex a knowing smirk.

Alex isn't sure exactly what J'onn knows about what's happened between Maggie and Alex. But it's clear he knows at least something.

(Fathers always know.)

They look over at her again. Maggie is still watching; she only has eyes for Alex right now. She looks beautiful in the dusky light, but she also seems small somehow. Like she's the one unsure how to approach Alex, instead of the other way around.

She looks like maybe she has something important she wants to say to Alex.

Happiness blooms in their chest, but fast on its heels are dread and regret. Because they still hurt Maggie. They left her confused and shaken and feeling like she didn't belong.

Maggie just keeps watching from across the deck.

"I'm scared," they whisper.

J'onn draws Alex into his side in a partial hug. Alex lets him, but they don't lean into his touch this time. They feel trapped by Maggie's steady gaze; their body feels frozen, both inside their chest and outside, climbing along their skin.

They've been trying. Alex has been trying so hard to respect that Maggie needs space. They don't know how to go to her now. They want - they need Maggie to be the one to come to them this time.

Alex isn't sure they can go to Maggie and face another rejection.

"It's okay to be scared," J'onn says, holding Alex to his side for a moment longer before releasing them. "That means it's important to you." He gives Alex a nudge. "Now, go. Talk to her."

Alex is still watching Maggie, still trapped by her hesitant gaze. They stumble a step forward and then stop.

J'onn chuckles and bumps Alex's shoulder with his own as he leaves the foredeck, nudging Alex into another step forward.

The moment feels big. It feels heavy with a meaning Alex is unsure of.

Eyes locked with Maggie, Alex takes a few careful steps forward across the deck.

Maggie meets them halfway.

"Hey."

"Hey," Alex replies carefully.

"Can we, uh," Maggie glances nervously around the deck, taking note of all the crewmembers that are nearby. "Can we talk?"

Alex is unsure what this means, is unsure what Maggie wants, but they breathe out, "Of course." They look Maggie up and down again, noting the tension she carries, noting the way she's still wringing her hands, and offer, "In private? We can... we can use my cabin again if you'd like?"

There's a half-second where Alex can't breathe as they wait, but then Maggie's face relaxes. Nodding quickly, she gives Alex a reassuring smile.

They walk silently across the length of the ship together. Alex tries to keep their eyes forward, but they are hyperaware of Maggie, of how close she walks to Alex.

(Their hands bump once.)

Alex closes the hatch behind them as they enter Alex's quarters and then they stand and face Maggie. They watch as Maggie takes a moment to collect herself and her thoughts, staring at Alex's desk unseeingly.

Alex takes a slow, hesitant step backwards. Their hands clench behind them, pressing against the wood of the door at their back.

Things have seemed okay with Maggie the last few days. Alex has been giving her space, has been very careful how they've interacted with and around Maggie. They've been the one to let Maggie come to them, to let Maggie establish what she wants.

Lucy said-

Lucy said something that gave Alex a small flicker of hope. Something they've squashed down into a hardly glowing ember inside them because Lucy said to let Maggie be the one to put words to how she feels. And she's yet to do so.

Alex refuses to get their hopes up. Not with the way they've treated Maggie.

And with the way she's acting now, nervous and silent and still not looking at Alex? That ember begins to wink out completely. It makes Alex's heart ache.

There is a pinprick of pain in Alex's chest that begins to grow more and more. They bite down on their lip, chewing at it anxiously, and ignore the stinging sensation in their hands as they wait for Maggie to say something.

Maggie keeps staring at the desk, not looking at Alex.

Opening their mouth, Alex breathes out the beginnings of a question but freezes when Maggie shakes her head, silencing them before they can start.

Maggie still isn't looking at them.

Alex wants to run, to flee, to avoid this. But they can't. They owe Maggie this. They owe it to Maggie to let her get her feelings - whatever they are - out.

Their fingertips reach out behind them, skimming along the wood until they locate the handle on the hatch. Alex grips it tightly, just in case.

Maggie finally looks up at Alex and her eyes are so honest. There are no walls right now, Alex is sure. Only vivid, intense brown. Alex can see the emotions she feels there, the pain and the fear, and tries not to flinch at the stinging reminder of the mess they've made.

"Lucy had a talk with me last night."

Alex nods but doesn't speak. Maggie deserves to be heard, to express everything she wants without Alex jumping in, no matter how badly they want to explain.

"She cares a lot about you."

"I know," Alex breathes out timidly. They pause for a moment to reflect, to relive and remember just how much the two of them have been through together. Alex considers everything Lucy has done for them, how strongly she's stood by Alex, and they repeat again, stronger this time, "I know. I don't deserve her."

Maggie looks like she wants to address that, to challenge Alex's statement, but that now isn't the time.

"She helped me see why you did what you did."

Alex gives a weak smile but presses their lips together tightly, wanting to let Maggie speak her piece. Their fingers twitch nervously at their back, tingling with the emotions growing inside of them. But they stay mute; they want to let Maggie speak.

"She reminded me that your focus is the crew first and that you'll do whatever it takes for everyone on board. And she said that," Maggie pauses, eyes flicking up and down over Alex before saying, "being Captain means you have to make the tough choices, and that's what you did. Instead of telling me how you felt, you chose to not get in the way of what you thought was there."

There is gooseflesh running up and down Alex's skin. They feel it in their arms and legs, rising up like a wave not from being cold, but because they are unsure where the conversation is going. Maggie's face is so open, but still, Alex has no idea what to expect.

They don't dare hope for where this could go. They force everything inside them to still, to pause, to wait, until Maggie gives them some clear hint.

"You chose Lucy's happiness over your own because you're always the Captain first."

"I am," Alex whispers.

Maggie shakes her head and frowns sadly and it tugs at Alex's heart and makes their stomach clench. "You know that there's nothing between Lucy and me, right? We're friends, but it was just a drunken kiss."

"She said that."

"Good. Because there's nothing you need to be envious of."

Alex holds their breath.

They can feel their pulse rushing and their heart thumping. It locks Alex in place, holding their body still and blocking out the rest of the world. Their body acts as blinders, narrowing Alex's awareness to only themself and Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

Maggie's eyes lock with Alex's and a softness seems to grow between them, a feeling that bridges the two of them together. Something in Maggie's eyes tells Alex to relax, to breathe, to hold onto this moment.

Alex breathes.

"She also said that you don't..." She stops and Alex can see the emotions shifting on her face, too fast for Alex to name, before she settles and her features calm. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking a slow breath, before opening them again and watching Alex's face. Her lips pull into a shy smirk. "You know that I've been trying to get close to you since my first day on board, right?"

Alex goes to nod, but then Maggie adds, "That I've been flirting with you?"

And everything around Alex fades away, like they've sailed into the still pocket inside a storm. The sounds and the sights of the cabin dim to the background and Alex feels their heart beat faster, faster, faster in the surrounding silence. They feel the gooseflesh on their skin prick even stronger now.

Their face feels so, so warm.

"You... you were?"

Maggie smiles, her dimples showing, and Alex feels so light they might need a line to tether them down. Lucy said Maggie had feelings for them but Alex didn't want to assume, didn't know what that meant or how far it went.

"Yeah," Maggie laughs nervously, "I was. A few times actually."

"Oh," Alex says, eyes wide and lips parted with surprise. "Oh."

Maggie gives them a frown that is still somehow a smile. "You really had no idea?"

"I mean," Alex starts slowly. "I thought that," they swallow and take a deep breath. "I thought that maybe you were? I thought there might have been something between us. But then Le Havre happened and I figured I was wrong."

Maggie's half frown turns into a real frown.

Alex gives a helpless shrug.

Alex glances down at the floor for a moment, but they can feel Maggie's eyes on them so they look back up at her.

They watch as Maggie is quiet for a beat, studying Alex. It isn't an uncomfortable silence; Alex waits with a hardly there smile as Maggie works out what she wants to say. She takes her time, and when she speaks Alex can hear the truth in her words.

"I care about you, Alex. You have this passion, this fire inside you that I admire. You care so much about Kara and Lucy and J'onn and the whole crew. I can see your love for them." Nervousness flickers across her face for a moment. "It makes me want to fall inside that circle, to be one of the people you care so strongly for."

She takes a step closer to Alex and goes on, "And the way you are so true to yourself, to the crew and what the ship means to you. That Roaming Star isn't just about a safe space for you, but for everyone around you." She gives her head a little shake and smiles. "That's pretty incredible."

Alex hears all of what Maggie says but they can't process it all. Her words and how earnestly she says them, the way her eyes shine with something Alex is afraid to name, the way her fingers twitch and her hands gesture as she speaks. Alex sees and hears it but it all seems to slip past.

Because Maggie took a step closer.

Alex's world narrows to only the awareness that Maggie has taken a step forward, a step closer to Alex.

They have to stay still; Alex has to let Maggie decide. They have to be sure.

She eases herself another step forward and Alex's fingers scratch at the wood behind them. They try to keep their breathing from stuttering in their chest and force themself to listen to what she has to say.

"The way you acted hurt me," Maggie says sadly. "Not just because you were cold to me. But because you were cold to everyone. You bottled up what you felt and you, you don't need to do that, Alex. You have so many people that are here for you. You don't need to push down what you're feeling."

"I didn't think I was allowed to feel it," Alex breathes out. "Because I thought you chose Lucy."

Maggie takes a slow breath. "I know. And I get that. And, you can work on that, on not doubting yourself. We can work on that."

(We?)

"And I'm still sorting through how I feel. I still need time. But I can forgive you."

A tingling sensation sweeps over Alex. It starts in their shoulders and traces down their spine and along their arms. It feels like the floor has slipped away beneath them, like they're caught in the catch netting that hangs below the hull; only open air below them. Alex grips the door handle as their legs suddenly feel unsteady.

Maggie steps closer again. "You were doing what you thought you had to. You were trying not to hurt anyone. Things are a mess right now. We can work through it. It doesn't just go away, but..."

She trails off, eyes soft as she studies Alex's face. The shyness in her features drains and a smile begins to bloom, dimples and all.

"Maggie?" Alex whispers.

She's so close.

"In Bilbao," Maggie says, "when we were sitting on the grass. I never got to finish what I was going to say."

Alex can hardly breathe. "What were you going to say?"

Her voice is sweet and her eyes are happy as she says, "I was going to say that I wanted to kiss you."

And then she does.

Her hands come up to gently cup Alex's face as Maggie draws them closer to her, closing the distance and kissing Alex

There's a half-breath where Alex has no idea what's happening but then happiness bursts inside them and their hands find Maggie's waist and they try to tug her even closer, to push away the last of the space between them.

The door is steady at their back and the floor firm beneath their boots. Both are a reassurance because Alex isn't sure if their body is going to drift away or sink down - they feel grounded in the moment, grounded in Maggie's touch, in Maggie's kiss. But somehow their knees feel like they might give out and their heart feels like it might fly away.

They both pull away from the kiss. Alex gives a small, nervous noise of happiness and Maggie smiles, her face tilted up and her eyes softer than Alex has ever seen.

One of Alex's hands reach up to tuck some of Maggie's hair behind her ears and Maggie smiles sweetly and her eyes half close as she leans into Alex's fingers at her cheek.

Alex feels like a dizzy torrent of emotions but they know one thing for sure and it's that something inside them melts watching Maggie like this. Something inside them wants to always make Maggie look as soft and happy as she does right now.

"You've been wanting to do that since Bilbao?" Alex asks softly, fingertips moving through Maggie's hair.

"I have," Maggie says, voice just as gentle.

Alex nods. “I thought that… I mean, I had hoped that maybe you did but…”

Maggie cups their cheek again with one hand and quiets them. “I have,” she assures Alex. “Longer even, maybe,” she muses, more to herself than to Alex. Her hands settle on Alex’s waist.

She studies Alex’s face and Alex isn’t sure what Maggie sees but she tilts her head again and her lips quirk in question. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I just, I’m still not sure this is real.” Their words turn into a happy, breathy gasp at the end and they can feel a pressure inside their chest, like their happiness isn’t sure how to escape.

Maggie just smiles. “It’s real,” she murmurs before kissing Alex again.

* * *

They stay in Alex’s cabin well past midnight. The two end up sitting on Alex’s bed, knees touching and fingers tangled and playing together where they rest on Maggie’s thigh. There are more sweet, shy stolen kisses here and there, but mostly they talk.

They don't talk about the last few weeks, about wanting to kiss in Bilbao and the night in Le Havre. Alex tries to a few more times, feeling the overwhelming need to apologize and explain to Maggie.

But Maggie won't have any of it. Each time Alex tries Maggie quiets them with a gentle touch on the arm and a soft look in her eyes. Each time, she calmly insists that Alex doesn't need to apologize. Maggie presses that she doesn't want Alex burying themself in their misery. It happened. It's unfortunate, but they can move forward. Maggie is much more excited about where they are now than dwelling on the past.

Alex knows Maggie's still hurt by the way they treated her, but they are grateful she doesn't want to hold it over them.

Instead, Maggie talks. She shares the last of the painful things she's been keeping to herself these last few weeks.

Alex cherishes the moment. The gas lights above are dim, casting the rest of the cabin in shadows. The ship and most of the crew are asleep, leaving the two of them in a pocket of midnight quiet. And Maggie is tucked close to Alex, drawing comfort from Alex's touch and opening up in a way Alex knows isn't easy for her.

They don't press, they don't prod. But they take everything Maggie offers to them.

"My father used to say fishing was either in your bones or it wasn't." She shakes her head. "It wasn't in my sisters' bones - they desperately wanted out. They wanted to move on and keep their children away from the hardship of that life."

She stops for a moment and Alex watches her eyes, the way they flit back and forth, the way her lips twitch with a frown as Maggie lets the memories surface. Alex squeezes Maggie's hand tighter, encouraging her to keep going.

Maggie sighs. "For me, I don't think it was that fishing was in my bones so much as I didn't want the alternative." She bites her lip and then glances back at Alex. "I didn't want the life I saw my sisters having, where Beatriz feared her husband whenever he drank and Catalina grew more and more exhausted with each new mouth she couldn't afford to feed. They didn't seem _happy_ and I didn't want that."

Alex knows the feeling.

The schoolgirls that Alex grew up with, the ones that Alex watched being married off, they always appeared happy. When out at socials they danced and laughed and spoke fondly of their husbands. And it was clear they loved them, but sometimes Alex could see the cracks in their masks.

Despite being dolled up to be perfect, Alex could spot the tiredness in their eyes, the longing for the freedom that is life before marriage.

Alex had their own reasons for keeping themself hidden, but even the girls that always seemed happy hid behind masks sometimes.

Maggie's fingers fidget where her hands are linked with Alex's. Alex shifts closer on the bed so that their knees are more firmly pressed against Maggie's.

Maggie gives a weak smile, but her eyes are still sad.

"Things were okay... for a time." She gives a small shrug and part of her lip quirks upwards into a half-smile. "It was cheaper for my father to have my brother and I work the nets than to hire help, and both of my brothers-in-law worked our ships as well, so there wasn't a rush to marry me off. And I... I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to be married. Any potential prospects my parents tried to line up for me were scared away by the fish guts that were always on my clothes."

There's a fleeting moment where Maggie's smile is genuine, where Alex can see Maggie remembering working the ships with her brother.

But then it fades.

Maggie glances away. She looks out the darkened porthole as she speaks, embarrassed to be talking about what little money her family had. "And then we had a few bad years in a row. Newer, larger ships started fishing in our waters. Illness began jumping from village to village and medicine was expensive. The weather was colder for longer and the crops didn't grow."

Her voice isn't tense and angry the way Alex expects it to be. Maggie states these things as facts - they were unavoidable parts of life that Maggie had to navigate but she carries no bitterness about them. Her blank tone implies that she dealt with them and then moved on.

From the few deeply personal revelations Maggie has previously shared about her personal life, Alex knows this is how Maggie deals with most hardships.

Most, but not all.

"And... and then my father had his accident."

She's still looking away from Alex and Alex lets her. They don't try and coax Maggie back to them. Her expression is pained, and her fingers reflexively squeeze Alex's tighter.

Alex waits. It is a few long beats of Maggie looking down at the bed, her face a pained wince. She chews her lip, and she opens her mouth a few times to speak but each time she closes it without saying anything.

Alex doesn't rush her and after she takes a deep but shaky breath Maggie looks back at Alex.

"Times were hard. We were working long hours trying to catch as many fish as we could. We saw the storm coming in, but, well," she gives a bitter laugh. "Money was a strong incentive."

She gives a second harsh laugh but her smile turns down and the corner of her lip quivers as she tries to hold in her pain.

"There was wind and thunder and it was pitch black and..." It's here that Maggie's resolve breaks and the first tear falls.

And it's here that Alex shifts them both, leaning against the wall at their back and gently tugging Maggie with them.

"We were hit. The crack was," Maggie shudders involuntarily, "it was so loud. The lightning hit the mast and..."

Alex coaxes Maggie into their hold. They wrap their arms around her but Maggie doesn't try to burrow into Alex's embrace. She doesn't hide her pain from Alex. Instead, she lets Alex comfort her as her memories wash over.

It isn't the same as the panic-trapped sobbing Alex was trapped in when Maggie found Alex the night of the storm in Le Havre. The memory is painful for Maggie, but it doesn't carry the same sort of trauma. But like how Maggie comforted Alex then, Alex comforts Maggie now. Her breath stutters somewhat, and her tears run freely, and Alex stays quiet and lets Maggie work through her words.

"I don't remember the smell but I remember the sound of the wood splitting. The mast broke and it... it fell on him. The deck caught on fire and it was pouring rain and he was pinned under it and we couldn't... it was so heavy and..."

Her words fail her and Alex holds her close, carding their fingers through her hair the same way they would do for Kara. They can feel a pinch in their throat, the threat of their own tears pressing behind their eyes as Maggie quietly cries in their arms.

Alex knows that these tears aren't just from the memory of what happened. There's pain that Maggie's carried on her own for a long time, yes. But these tears are more than that.

They remember what Maggie told them on the grass in Bilbao. Something happened that caused her father to force Maggie to leave home. And that now she feels guilty missing them because as much as she loved her family, they still told her not to come back.

And that's what these tears are now. Despite what happened, despite being forced to leave, Maggie still loves her father. And it hurts her thinking of when she almost lost him.

Alex doesn’t know what it was that made Maggie leave home, but they suspect that’s where this story is going.

After a few moments, Maggie pushes her tears back down. She wipes her eyes and then looks nervously up at Alex.

“I’m still here,” they assure her before cupping her cheek and kissing her softly.

They sit in silence together, Alex breathing steadily, waiting as Maggie’s fluttery breaths begin to even and follow Alex’s. She eases herself a little closer into Alex’s hold and Alex smiles and presses a kiss into her hair.

“He’s still alive, Mags,” they remind her, and Maggie nods into Alex’s neck before sitting up again.

It may have been terrifying, and it may be hard to relive, but her father survived the storm and the fall of the mast. “Yeah,” she admits quietly. “It’s just… it’s hard to think about.”

Alex finds both of Maggie’s hands and pulls them into their lap, lacing their fingers together. When Maggie stays quiet for a few beats Alex gently nudges Maggie’s shoulder with their own. “You don’t have to tell me anything else if you aren't comfortable.”

“No, sorry, it’s okay.” She looks at Alex and her cheeks and eyelashes are wet with her tears, but she smiles hesitantly and Alex thinks she looks beautiful.

Maggie takes a deep breath and then picks up with her story. Her voice is shaky at first. “It was months before he could even start walking again. Martim took over running the ships, but, it seemed like as soon as my father wasn't on deck..." She frowns and gives a defeated sigh. "The fish stopped coming. It was then that I became a burden; times were hard and I was a daughter with no prospects."

Alex can hear the bitterness in Maggie's voice and it's easy to see what happened next.

The political game of marriage - the one played by the wealthy socialites like the Lanes and that Alex was dragged into by their mother in the upper middle class - isn't just reserved for high society. Alex knows that marrying off daughters for money, power, and status is just as present in rural life.

The difference is that in rural life, money is harder to come by, so people can't afford to be choosy.

"They tried to marry you off?"

Maggie jerks her head and frowns. "They did. He was..." Her eyes roll upwards for a moment as she remembers. "He was a nice man and his family had some money. But he," she scoffs. "He wasn't what I wanted."

Alex gives a sympathetic smile as Maggie continues on. "None of it was what I wanted. And it all started happening so fast. My father's accident and the engagement and plans for a wedding and for babies and," she gives a helpless shrug. "No one would listen to me. It felt like no one heard me, no one was interested in what I wanted. I was _old_ by common marriage ideals, so my parents tried to rush me into it before he or his family could change their mind."

She pauses and Alex is unprepared for what Maggie says next.

"And then I... and then I met _her_. Elizabete."

Alex does their best to school their emotions, to keep their face neutral, and to avoid the prick of pain in their chest at Maggie's words. It feels something like envy, but it also feels something like empathy.

She's speaking of a woman she cared for and it isn't easy to hear, given Alex's feelings, knowing there was someone else before them. But Maggie still has a few tears sliding down her cheeks, so Alex knows her story won't have a happy ending, and they feel for her.

Maggie's gaze settles on the far wall of the cabin and there's a small, sad smile on her face. "She lived in the next village over. Her family raised livestock. I would see her tending her goats sometimes." She lets out a happy sigh. "She was dark and beautiful and she..."

She glances nervously at Alex and bites her lip, like her words are forbidden, and Alex can see the guilt begin to flicker across her face.

Maggie shouldn't feel ashamed of her feelings.

Alex cups her cheek and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear before saying honestly, "Maggie, it's okay."

Maggie swallows and gives a weak nod. Her eyes settle on Alex's face as she says, "It wasn't love. But it was an escape. The marriage meant I'd be losing the only thing I'd ever known. My family would gain some money, but I was losing everything. It wasn't just that I'd become a housewife and shouldn't work the nets anymore. It was that I would be leaving the village and I would be losing my family, the ocean, the freedom...everything."

Her voice hitches and Alex smiles sympathetically. They know how much the freedom of the sky means to them; growing up on the water must have been the same for Maggie.

Alex can't imagine how hard that must have been for her, to be forced into a marriage that would take everything from her.

Maggie eases out of Alex's arms, sitting up and putting some space between them. She sits so she's facing Alex, keeping her thigh pressed against Alex's, but she puts distance between them.

And Alex understands. Her tears have stopped and now the feeling of vulnerability is catching up to her. Revealing what happened to her father was painful, but revealing her feelings for this woman is harder, it's something deeper, something Maggie probably wants to keep buried and hidden.

(Maggie doesn't like talking about herself, after all.)

Alex reaches out and links their hands again, giving Maggie the contact to keep her grounded.

Their eyes meet and Alex offers a soft smile. After a moment, Maggie returns it.

"She and I... we got involved. By then I knew that," she hesitates, stumbling for a moment. "I knew that I was attracted to women, in the way ladies shouldn't be. I'd only ever told Martim. But being," she grimaces and pauses again before forcing out, " _like that_ , it isn't something that's spoken of."

She waits until Alex nods their understanding before continuing. "I knew I could never marry a woman the way my sisters married their husbands, but," she trails off for a moment.

Alex squeezes Maggie's hand and Maggie whispers, "It never occurred to me that I'd still have to marry a man."

Something painful presses behind Alex's eyes and inside their chest at this, at hearing Maggie's soft admission.

"Elizabete and I had fun. It was a nice escape from, from the pressing plans of the future that were happening without my consent. She was lovely; quiet and soft. Like I said, it wasn't love, but she was sweet and it was a way to, to escape everything that was happening."

Stopping, Maggie's brows draw together and her fingers begin to fidget with Alex's. She looks reflective, pensive. She looks like she's remembering something that was once happy but became ruined.

It comes to Alex right away. "You were seen together."

Maggie nods and gives a bitter laugh as her eyes meet Alex's. "By my fiancé's mother."

Alex winces and makes a sympathetic noise. "Oh, Mags."

"Yeah. I didn't know she had been following me. Elizabete and I were starting to get careless when we saw each other. His mother followed me more than once, saw me with her, caught us..." She trails off, but her implication is clear.

She gives her head a shake and sighs. "The engagement was called off, which I guess is what I had wanted deep down. In a way I... I guess I sabotaged it.

"My father didn't," she goes on, "uh, take it well. None of my family did, except for Martim." There's a brief flicker of a smile on her face, but it fades as she goes on, "The marriage was to help the family and I ruined that. And I did it in such a way that," her words catch and Maggie forces out a breath before she's able to continue, "that brought so much shame. They wouldn't even look at me, my mother and sisters. My father, he-"

She cuts herself off and pauses to stare at Alex. She studies Alex's features; Alex watches the way Maggie's eyes track over their face, reading them.

Alex tries to keep their expression open, to not hide anything from her, to only offer comfort and sympathy.

And Maggie must see something she trusts in Alex because she offers the last of what she's been keeping to herself for so long now. "I didn't get to say goodbye to Martim initially, he was out on the water when everything came out. After a few hours of crying and yelling my father disowned me. He told me I was a disgrace to the family and not to ever come home again."

She says this quietly, with defeat in her voice. Where Maggie broke down talking about her father's accident, now she sounds small and regretful.

Alex gives Maggie's hand another squeeze and then a gentle tug, and Maggie lets herself fold back into Alex's arms.

They settle back down on the bed, Maggie curled into Alex's neck. She isn't crying now, but Alex can still feel her sadness. They run their arm up and down Maggie's side lazily and press their nose into her hair.

"Did you get to see Martim again?"

"Yes," she answers, and Alex can hear the lift in her voice. "He found me in Lisbon a day later, gave me some coin and some of my things - my father had hardly let me pack a bag before sending me away. Martim stayed with me for two nights, helped me find somewhere temporary to stay and did what he could to help. I knew I couldn't go back home but sailing was all I knew, so I didn't really... know what I was going to do.

"I lasted about two weeks in Lisbon on my own. Doing quick and easy jobs for little pay. After a particularly bad day I, well, I wound up in an alehouse spending most of the coin I'd managed to earn."

"That's where my father found you?"

Maggie nods.

Alex has a very strained relationship with their father. They've hardly spoken in years, despite Alex's best efforts. Jeremiah is like Alex, he is someone who is hard to pin down to one place. For as long as Alex can remember, Jeremiah has always loved the freedom of travelling the world. Only Jeremiah finds his freedom on land, not in the air like Alex has.

They don't know what he saw in Maggie, sad and alone in a pub in Lisbon, or why he thought of Alex and their crew for a place for Maggie to work. They aren't even sure how he knew Roaming Star would be docking in Lisbon. But however it all came about, Alex is glad he told Maggie to seek them out.

"You're here now. You have a home here, a place here, for as long as you want."

Maggie makes a happy, breathy sound and hugs Alex tighter.

"Maybe I'll go back one day," Maggie muses. "I do want to see Martim again, if I can."

"As often as we're in Lisbon, you should arrange to see him."

"Really?"

"Of course."

"I... I'd like that." She pulls back slightly so that she can see Alex's face. "Thank you, for listening."

Alex smiles and feels their cheeks heat slightly. "Thank you, for sharing. I'm sorry, about your father and everything that happened."

Maggie gives a little shrug. "I think it was always going to come down to marrying a man - when that was the last thing I wanted - or leaving home. I just didn't realize it until it was too late."

"You should keep writing to Martim; send him another letter when we reach Halifax to let him know you're okay. And when we're in Portugal again you should visit him. Family is important."

Maggie frowns and makes a non-committal sound.

"You have a sky family now, Maggie. But your ground family is important too. You love him, don't let your father ruin that."

Maggie gives a shy smile and nods.

"Thank you, Alex. Really."

Maggie's eyes drift to Alex's lips and Alex smiles, leaning forward and meeting Maggie halfway. The kiss is gentle, and when they pull away Maggie's eyes shine.

"It's late," she whispers.

Alex nods, understanding that Maggie should go even though they don't want her to leave just yet.

Maggie kisses Alex again, soft and sweet, and Alex smiles against her lips. When they part, Maggie says her goodbyes and slips from the room.

Alex is still smiling as they fall asleep.

 


	12. The Atlantic Part 5 - Evenfall

When Alex arrives in the mess the next morning they feel different. Lighter. Happier. Each time they think of Maggie - of everything that happened last night, of kissing her, of holding her while she talked about her past - Alex can feel their heart squeeze in their chest and feel their lips pulling into an unconscious smile.

There is still a lot of damage Alex has to repair with everyone on deck but knowing they can now move forward helps ease their heart. It's not just that Maggie's admitted how she feels about Alex - though, that helps significantly - it's that Lucy and Kara and J'onn and Winn and the rest of their sky family are still with Alex.

It's because Alex still has their family, that Alex isn't alone, that they can allow themself to feel happy. Thinking of Maggie makes them feel warm inside. Alex still carries guilt about what's transpired the last few weeks but instead of wallowing and sulking in it they can learn from it and repair what they've fractured.

Alex can learn from it and make their family stronger for it.

They have Maggie now, but they still have Lucy and Kara and everyone else Alex would risk their life to protect.

Their family is still a family. Hope is not lost.

After getting breakfast from M'gann Alex takes their tray and sits down to join Kara, Lena, and Lucy.

Kara glances up from the notebook she's furiously writing in and smiles brightly at Alex. Lena nods her head and murmurs a quiet hello.

The moment Alex sits down Lucy looks at them from across the table, one eyebrow arched and a wolfish grin on her face.

Alex has every intention of keeping their face blank. But Lucy stares them down, still grinning, and Alex can't help the smile that blooms on their face. They bite down on their lip, trying to dampen the smile, but it doesn't work and they feel their cheeks heat.

They break eye contact with Lucy, looking down at their food, fully aware of the giddy look on their face.

Alex is not normally the one to break eye contact, Alex is used to glaring at people until they do what Alex wants. But it's hard to face Lucy when all they can picture at the moment is Maggie's dimpled smile right before she kissed Alex the first time.

When Alex finally looks back up Lucy is still smirking at them and Alex shuffles in their chair, unsure what to do with themself under such direct attention.

Kara sits next to Lucy, with Lena on her free side. Kara's head is tipped back down again as she writes in her notebook, likely detailing the weather they've been flying through the last two days. Though they don't fly to America often Kara still keeps detailed notes when they do so that she can map the weather for the parts of the sky she doesn't know as well.

The sky is Kara's as much as it is anyone else's, and if she could Kara would fly every part of it until she knew it all by heart.

Lena sits quietly next to Kara, sipping her coffee and switching between smiling fondly at Kara and watching the other people moving in and out of the mess.

Aware that Lucy is still smirking at them Alex attempts to strike up a conversation and take Lucy's focus off themself. "So, um, we're still on track for Halifax?"

Kara nods but doesn't look up, her attention still on what she's writing. "Another five days or so, I think," she muses, "depending on the weather. That storm the other day slowed us down, but we're just over halfway there. Shouldn't be much longer now.

"I think," Kara goes on, "if Halifax isn't too loud, I'd like to meet up with a few other sky Navigators there." 

Alex is about to question this as Kara rarely volunteers to be off the ship and walk through the ground harbour, but then Kara adds, "I might look into finding some journals on Atlantic weather patterns and storms to see if we can avoid them when we sail back home."

Lucy turns her smirk onto Kara. "Trying to shave a day or two off our time?"

"Well, we are the fastest."

Lucy looks between Lena and Kara. Alex can see the question Lucy wants to ask - does Kara intend on having Roaming Star cross the Atlantic more often now after they leave Lena in America? But she doesn't ask, just smiles to herself and hums in agreement to Kara's statement.

"Kara," Lena says softly, absent-mindedly, her eyes still watching the room at large. "Your food is going to get cold."

Kara huffs and Lena turns to look at her. Kara stares at Lena and, still writing in her notebook, uses her free hand to stuff an entire slice of toast in her mouth. Lena doesn't say anything in reply, she simply smiles sweetly at Kara and gives a soft trill of laughter.

Lucy rolls her eyes at them and mimes gagging at Alex.

Kara elbows Lucy in the side without looking up from her notebook.

Alex is part way through their breakfast when Maggie and J'onn enter the mess and join the table, sitting down on either side of Alex. As Maggie sits she keeps a neutral amount of space between herself and Alex. Then she gives Alex a careful glance and eases her chair closer until their legs are just touching.

Across from Alex, Lucy sits with her fingers steepled under her chin, smirking at the two of them with amusement dancing in her eyes. "So," she drawls. "How are things?"

Maggie returns the smirk and she winks at Lucy before speaking. "J'onn and I were discussing the need for a new cannon." She looks to J'onn before looking back at the rest of the table. "Alex said that you- we," she corrects herself and Alex's heart flutters knowing that Maggie now truly sees herself as part of the crew, "get a new one after each pirate attack."

"We'll see what the port of Halifax has to offer," J'onn explains. "But it might be worth it to wait until New York, there will be a larger selection there."

"Why didn't you pick out something while we were in Bilbao?" Lena asks.

"Most of our time and energy in Spain - and our coin - was spent on repairing and preparing the ship. That was our primary focus. Purchasing a good cannon can take time, and I think you can appreciate our need for getting out of Europe as fast as possible."

"And," Kara adds as her hand flies along the page, "if they didn't have what J'onn wanted readily available then commissioning a new cannon takes time. We could be in New York for a few weeks waiting for it to be ready."

Alex and Lucy share knowing looks across the table. Somehow, Alex doesn't think Kara would complain about spending an extended period of time over New York - despite it being one of America's busiest harbours.

The conversation drifts from defences to weather to other arbitrary things but Alex begins to lose focus the moment Maggie's hand settles on their thigh. She scratches near Alex's knee, and then her fingers trace mindless shapes up and down their leg while she eats with her free hand and keeps up her part of the conversation.

It doesn't make Alex blush the way Lucy's playful smirk did earlier - it makes Alex relax, to fall into a quiet bliss while their friends keep speaking. Maggie's hand is warm and light and Alex lets themself sink into the happy feeling it brings. The touch is casual but somehow feels extremely intimate.

The day passes but is uneventful. They've been crossing the Atlantic for over a week now; the days have begun to bleed into each other as each sunrise and sunset is framed with endless ocean stretching out in all directions.

The day is uneventful but it still feels different. The ache in Alex's heart has begun to recede. The pain of pushing their family away, of closing themself off from the ones Alex cares more about is no longer pressing and suffocating. Alex takes the time to make things right with the crew, and slowly the echoes of the last few days begin to heal.

Alex spends the morning split between the engine room and the bridge. Winn and James walk Alex through what they've been working on, little tinkers here and there to try and support their main concern - the blowback into the engine and turning gear from when Ravenslay damaged Roaming Star's starboard turbine. To Alex's untrained eyes everything seems to be in working order. But Winn has spent his life tinkering and has a degree from Zürich to prove it and James practically grew up inside a steam factory in Marseille; both of them can read the heart of the ship differently than Alex can. Both can see the symptoms that worry them but haven't found a diagnosis or a cure yet.

Alex thinks they will probably have to spend a considerable time in New York building Roaming Star back to it's strongest.

(They don't think Kara will mind all that much, despite the city noise, for it will mean a little longer with Lena.)

In the bridge Alex works with Kara and Clark and the rest of the Helmscrew, tracing the path they've taken and the course they're following now. Even without any landmarks and only the stars to guide her Kara always knows where they are and can accurately trace their position on her maps. They should reach the port of Halifax within six days - and then another two to sail to New York sky harbour - and Clark and Kara both assure Alex that if they run into any other storms they will still be able to navigate Roaming Star back on track if they lose their way.

On the main deck, Alex spends the afternoon repairing the bonds they've frayed. 

They spend time with all of the crew as everyone adjusts sails, plays dice and cards, and listens to Vasquez's shanties. This far out and on such a clear and sunny day there is little to do in terms of working the ship - Roaming Star's sights are set on Canada and less work is needed to keep them in the air than when they fly up and down the coast of Europe, constantly loading and casting off from different ports. The winds are strong and the ship sails smoothly.

The atmosphere on deck begins to feel cheerful and light again, begins to feel like a family again. With his new brass guitar and vast repertoire of sea and sky songs, Vas sings old favourites and teaches the crew new call-and-answer melodies. Some are ones he knows from his years and years travelling the world and some are ones he makes up on the spot, which make the crew laugh and stumble as they try to time their work to the beat of his improvised songs.

Lena joins in the games of dice and cards and Alex learns never to bet against her. Lena is sharp and calculating, able to read the other players and bluff her way through round after round. Though at times Alex wonders if Lena isn't also intentionally losing coins here and there to the crewmembers she plays against.

Mostly, Alex spends the day with Lucy and Maggie and repairing the damage there. At times both seem quiet and reflective and Alex knows they are both still sore over everything that's happened. But Lucy is in good spirits, working and laughing with Alex all afternoon. 

When she can, she finds small things to tease Alex about in front of the rest of the crew, but Alex knows she's being playful and they find themself basking in the feeling it brings, the way the atmosphere of the ship seems to shift slowly towards what it used to be.

And then there's Maggie. 

Maggie, who drifts around the deck interacting with everyone as the day wears on, but always finds her way back to Alex's side. The two share stolen glances and lingering touches throughout the day - Alex's fingers brush along Maggie's arm as they walk past and Maggie's hand drifts to the small of Alex's back whenever she comes to stand near them. 

It all feels new and exciting, but quiet. The little touches don't send Alex's heart racing. Instead, Alex feels calm inside. They blush, they smile, they feel their chest squeeze, but it all feels soft and gentle. Like there's a sheer curtain surrounding the two of them, giving them a sense of privacy from the rest of the crew.

At dinner that evening, Maggie ends up recounting a story of her childhood that captures the attention of the entire mess. Alex looks on and can't help but smile. It's like suddenly they are seeing her differently. Where before, Alex knew they wanted to learn about Maggie, that Maggie's presence made them feel comfortable, that Maggie's smile made something in their chest expand.

Now, they notice the little things. The way her hands move when she speaks - to tuck her hair behind her ear when she gets really into her story and near her chin when she's thinking or insecure. 

Alex notices that Maggie has different smiles and they start to count them, to try and memorize them all. Her smile, when she's talking about her brother, is different than when she's laughing at something ridiculous Lucy says. And her smile when she's looking at Alex is different still.

They notice her hands, how strong and calloused they are from years of working her family's fishing nets. Alex finds themself staring at Maggie's arms when she hauls lines, watching the slope and definition of muscle.

Alex is captivated by Maggie.

It's exciting but it feels completely mundane too, the way Alex notices all these little things that makeup who Maggie is.

They find themself staring at her for no particular reason. They watch her as she helps her crewmates, moving among them as an equal. She's still green but she interacts with the crew with confidence now and it's reflected back in the respect the crew show her.

Alex watches her simply because they can. 

Each time Alex discovers something new about Maggie they feel their chest swell with pride and happiness. The smallest things bring a soft smile to their lips. Even sitting across from her and listening to her talk is enough to make Alex feel regretful for what's happened, but excited for where they are moving now.

Maggie talks and Alex feels a dreamy softness inside, like they could be content listening to her speak of anything and everything for hours. Now that Alex has acknowledged their feelings for Maggie, now that it is okay for Alex to feel like this and they aren't pushing their feelings down, they let themself bask in the easy happiness being around Maggie brings.

(They understand Kara's endless smiles around Lena now.)

Their favourite thing is still her eyes, how they shine and how her dimples show when she glances over at Alex. Not for any particular reason, not when Alex has done or said something remarkable. Just the happy, peaceful face Maggie gets when she looks at Alex.

Alex can't help but smile back.

* * *

Alex watches the stars that night with Kara.

Three-quarters of the way across the Atlantic and twenty days later than when they did this in Rotterdam, yet the night sky still looks familiar. Kara still starts them off with finding Vega. Even here, in unfamiliar skies and a long way from the coasts of Europe, Vega is still constant.

From there, finding the guardians of the sky is easy. First, Kara starts by locating what's shifted since the last time she and Alex mapped the sky. Virgo and Scorpius have moved on, and Sagittarius is hard to see. She traces what she can of the centaur, but Alex finds it hard to follow.

Then Kara spends time mapping what's new. Pisces and Aquarius are coming in strong from the West, and Capricornus is much easier to see now than it was the last time. All of the constellations have changed in where they sit in the heavens, but Alex can locate the easier ones with only a little teasing from Kara.

Here and there, Kara tells the stories of the constellations, the myths the star clusters are named for. Alex knows the legends, for Kara's told them many times over, but they never tire of hearing of gods transforming into creatures and going on quests of adventure. Not when Kara tells them.

Sometime later, when Kara's words taper off and they both silently enjoy the vast expanse of black above them, Kara speaks up again.

“Alex?” Her voice is soft.

Alex turns their head to look at their sister. They both lay under blankets spread out on the upper deck. 

“Yeah?”

“What happens when we reach New York?”

Alex sighs. That’s the question, isn’t it?

When they don’t answer fast enough Kara goes on, “Lena wants to deliver the plans to a contact of hers, someone she trusts Lex’s people won’t be able to reach. Apparently, this woman has a lot of influence and resources.”

“A friend of hers?”

Kara shakes her head. “Lena made it seem like they’ve never met but that their work brings them into similar circles. But she’s built her own empire. Lena’s sure she will be able to keep the plans safe from Lex’s reach.”

“And then?”

“Then Lena says she wants to start working on a prototype.”

“How long will that take her?”

Kara shrugs. “She isn’t sure. It could take a year. Or longer depending on how easy it is to get her hands on the materials she needs.” She sighs heavily. "Probably longer."

"Once we make it to Halifax, and then along the coast to New York, we'll be there for a few weeks," Alex offers. "Making repairs, purchasing the new canon. M'gann might have some family she wants to visit."

Meaning Kara will still have some time with Lena, maybe a week or two before they have to cast off.

"And then what happens?"

Alex knows what Kara’s asking. What happens after they drop off Lena? Does Roaming Star sail back to Europe and continue their usual runs, or do things change? Is there a way Kara will be able to see Lena again while still being able to travel the sky with the people she loves?

"All of our regular clients and commissioners are in Europe," Alex says gently. "So is Roaming Star's reputation. And most of the crew's family, Eliza, everything is in Europe. Kara, I don't..." they trail off. Alex doesn't want to hurt Kara, but they aren't sure what to say. It isn't an easy situation.

"I know," she murmurs. Alex catches the pout on Kara's face before Kara turns, pressing her face into Alex's shoulder and sighing heavily again. "I know."

Alex shifts onto their side so that they can attempt to drag their fingers through Kara's hair but they get caught in her braids. Kara quickly sits up, pulls the braids and tails free and shakes her hair out, and then plops herself back down and cuddles into Alex's side again.

"Lucy said not to fall for a land-lover," Kara mutters grumpily into Alex's shirt.

"Lucy is one to talk."

"Still."

"What does Lena think? About you and her."

Kara shrugs. "She said she has no illusions. She knows what arriving in New York means for the two of us."

Anyone else might not hear it, but Alex is Kara's sibling, so they can hear the slight catch in her voice, the longing she's afraid to put into words.

"Europe is our home."

"The sky is our home," Kara corrects. "Alex, can't we..."

She doesn't have an argument, but Alex still knows what she's trying to say.

"Flying the Atlantic on a regular basis is risky, Kara. We both know lots of ships don't make it."

Alex is already putting their sky family at risk as it is with their current journey, they aren't sure about making this run more permanent. Especially not with Lex out for their blood.

"What if I find us safer routes? In New York, I can try and connect with other navigators - instead of just looking into weather patterns over the Atlantic I can look into the safer flylines we could take," Kara offers weakly. "Something that brings us more north, towards Greenland and the Baltics. Or further south; we could follow the Tropic of Cancer across the ocean instead."

Alex chooses not to voice how impractical and out of the way either of those options would be.

Instead, all they say is, "The Atlantic is dangerous, Kara."

Kara softly counters with, "Isn't Europe just as dangerous at this point? Most of Lex's attacks have been up and down the coast, not over the open ocean."

Alex opens their mouth to argue but they pause, hearing their sister's words and realising the truth they carry. "You're right."

Kara peaks her head up to look at Alex shyly. "Yeah?"

With a clarity Alex wouldn't have seen only days ago they elaborate. "You're right. Lex is after us, but where we go doesn't really matter. Europe _is_ more dangerous right now. I'm not, I'm not saying yes, okay? But I'll talk to Lucy and J'onn and see what they think. I can't promise we can be there every month, but I know Lena means a lot to you. If you want to try something with her, if the crew is okay with it, we can see about taking up jobs there every so often."

Kara's eyes are very wide for a moment before a shy, giddy smile breaks out. "You're sure?" she breathes out.

Alex lies on their back and pulls Kara along with them so she has her face buried in Alex's neck while she hugs Alex tightly. Alex's fingers card through her hair again as they stare up at the dark sky.

They find Vega, Kara's favourite star.

The light Vega gives off isn't the strongest in the night sky; other stars shine brighter. But Vega brings a comfort, a familiarity. It is a constant in their travels across the skies.

Vega is Kara's light, and Kara is Alex's.

"I'll do what I can," they promise.

If it were Maggie, Alex wouldn't want to let her go simply because it meant a farther distance to travel to see her. And Alex can see how much Kara cares for Lena, and how much Lena cares for their sister.

Alex wouldn't want to let Maggie go, so it isn't fair to ask Kara to let Lena go.

Kara makes a happy sound and snuggles further into her sibling's arms. "Thank you," she whispers.

Alex hugs her back tightly.

They stay quiet for a length of time, Alex staring up at endless black with Kara in their arms.

A stray thought comes to them and Alex teases, "What will Eliza think when she hears you've fallen for a wealthy land-lover. She'll be thrilled until she finds out who it is."

Kara squeals and smacks Alex with a pillow.

* * *

The next morning, the start of their tenth day across the Atlantic begins with a bang.

And a fire.

And Clark and Kara's sheepish and guilty faces.

And James laughing his ass off despite the blast of soot in his face and Winn running around the lower decks pulling his hair out not realizing it was a prank.

Alex loves their family. But sometimes it feels like they Captain a crew of children.

Clark and Kara were behind it, but Lucy sits at breakfast with a smug look on her face and Alex is positive Lucy was somehow involved.

Alex asks her outright but Lucy simply gives Alex a pointed look, eyebrows raised and lips curled, and Alex isn't sure what to make of it.

They are still puzzling over it by the time breakfast finishes and Alex is leaving the mess to return to the main deck.

But then Maggie appears, lightly grasps Alex's wrist, and tugs them into a shadowed corner and proceeds to kiss Alex senseless.

And Alex forgets all about wanting to reprimand Clark and Kara - and possibly Lucy - for playing a prank that involved fire of all things on a ship half-made of wood and flying ten thousand feet above the open ocean.

* * *

Alex passes Lucy in the mess again at lunch - Lucy leaving and Alex entering.

Lucy had spent the morning conveniently absent from working on the main deck with Alex, though Alex suspects it's unlikely Lucy was helping to clean up the mess in the engine room.

They take one look at Lucy, who looks - impossibly - smugger than she had that morning. 

And Alex realizes Maggie kissing them senseless may have been pre-arranged and strategic on Lucy's part.

* * *

That afternoon, as things are winding down for the day, Maggie approaches.

The two had worked near each other all day, continuing to share private looks and shy brushes of hands along skin as they had been the last few days, slowly getting to know each other, slowly enjoying the happy, semi-private bubble they'd found themselves in.

Maggie approaches and then hesitates, shoulders hunching just slightly as she chews her lip - Alex thinks she's about to apologize for getting involved with the prank.

(Alex is now positive Lucy was the mastermind. It wouldn't be the first time.)

Instead, she smiles shyly at Alex, eyes soft and dimples peeking out, and says, "Come to the mess late today for dinner, okay?"

Alex opens their mouth to question this, but then Maggie adds, "And wear something nice." Her eyes briefly flicker up and down over Alex. Then she winks and slips away.

Alex stands on the deck, mind circling back on itself and cheeks feeling warm.

Alex isn't exactly a stranger to courting. Their mother paraded potential suitors before them for many years, and they had a relationship with Maxwell before they left home.

But Alex never enjoyed any of it. Kara enjoyed the social aspect, the fine food and the dancing and the pretty clothes. But Alex never enjoyed courting in the past. It felt taxing and uncomfortable.

They stand on the deck, heart beginning to flicker faster and faster in something like excitement. Their mouth feels dry and their head feels light and Alex isn't sure if they are breathing or not.

But none of it feels unwelcome exactly.

After a number of long moments standing frozen on the main deck Alex manages to make their way back to the upper deck. They run into Lena in the passageway between the navigation room and Alex's quarters. She looks them over and her features grow concerned. "Captain, are you alright?"

Alex knows their eyes are very, very wide and they nod their head faster than necessary.

Their heart feels flittery and unsteady inside their chest.

Lena takes pity on Alex, stepping back into Kara's cabin and drawing Alex with her. "Kara," she calls gently, "I think someone here needs you."

Alex is ushered into the room by Lena's gentle but firm grip. Kara is crouched along the far wall, digging about the contents of one of her chests. She looks up and frowns when she catches sight of Alex, who stands stiff, flushed, and wide-eyed.

Lena disappears. Kara coaxes Alex onto the cot. Alex repeats Maggie's words. Kara beams.

Alex is baffled. They are excited - they are _happy_ \- by Maggie's words, but they feel an overwhelming anxiousness. It isn't the blackness of panic, but it's a nervousness Alex isn't used to feeling. Alex, the Captain, is supposed to be sure of themself, is supposed to be calm and level-headed in the face of new situations.

Alex's heart feels like the thunderous hooves of galloping horses inside their chest.

Kara titters, smiling sweetly and talking softly to help calm Alex. She leads her sibling across the way to Alex's quarters, and pulls Alex's billowy peasant top out, the one Alex wears to meetings at the Guildhall.

When Alex arrives in the mess, long after the usual meal time, they feel excited and anxious and happy and uncomfortable inside their own skin all at once. They stand in the doorway, their mind fixated on what exactly they should do with their hands, on how all of their thoughts feel so fast and dizzying inside their head, on where their tongue normally sits in their mouth.

And then Maggie looks up from where she sits at the table, with food waiting for the both of them.

She smiles.

And Alex's mind goes quiet. And Alex's heart calms.

* * *

The meal is nothing exceptional - Maggie had simply asked M'gann to hold some food aside for the two of them. But it feels like one of the most important and one of the most enjoyable meals Alex has had in a long time.

They talk about the most random of things, some skysailing and fishing, but other things, stories of childhoods, favourite foods and happy memories. 

Maggie sits right close to Alex, her thigh pressed against Alex's, and her hand reaches out to touch Alex's arm every so often absentmindedly. Her eyes shine, but it is different than usual. Usually, Maggie's eyes shine with happiness, glossy and sweet, while the skin by her eyes crinkle and her lips pull into a wide smile.

That night Maggie's eyes shine but it's more muted than usual. Not dull, but Alex thinks it's more of a subtle shine, a more humble shine. Like instead of being completely captivated by Alex she's basking in a quiet happiness.

Similar to how Alex has felt the last few days.

They stay in the mess late into the night, undisturbed by the rest of the crew. They talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company, and kiss and whisper hushed, sweet words to each other. And then Maggie walks Alex to their cabin, her hand on the small of Alex's back the entire time. Her touch is so gentle and warm that it takes Alex a moment to register when they stop walking, they're so distracted by Maggie's touch.

Maggie cups Alex's cheek and kisses them softly and tenderly before saying goodnight.

Alex is used to flying. Alex has spent almost half their life in the sky. Alex has sure skylegs and is completely accustomed to the sensation of being in the air.

But that night, as Alex falls asleep, it feels like they're floating for the first time.

* * *

The next day, late in the afternoon when the sun is low and bright in the sky, Alex approaches Maggie where she stands talking with James and J'onn. 

Alex draws her away and feels themself blush as they ask her to meet them on the upper deck for dinner, instead of going down to the mess. And then they echo Maggie's words from a day ago, requesting she wears something nice.

Maggie looks curious, one corner of her smile quirked up and head tilted slightly, but she doesn't question Alex's motives. She just nods and says she'll be there.

Alex manages to walk away without stumbling - they are smiling so much it is somehow affecting their ability to walk normally - and seeks out Lucy in the berth.

Lucy takes one look at Alex and rolls her eyes. "Your smile is disgusting, I hope you know. You're just as bad as Kara."

Dropping onto the bed next to Lucy, Alex presses their forehead into Lucy's shoulder and mutters incomprehensibly into her shirt.

The cat, whom Alex didn't notice curled at Lucy's other side, stands, spits at Alex, and slinks off into the shadows.

"What was that, you nauseating ray of sunshine?"

Alex lifts their head. "I said, if I'm so happy then why do I still feel nervous?"

Lucy huffs, shakes her head, and smiles at Alex. "You're mistaking nervous for giddy."

"I'm not giddy," Alex says belligerently.

"You are. And normally I would say you should go to your sister - the sunshine queen herself - when dealing with matters of giddiness. But since I'm feeling charitable today, I'll help you."

"Wow. Thanks."

Lucy narrows her eyes. 

Alex huffs out, "Fine."

"You're feeling giddy because this is new for you, Alex. You're feeling giddy because you're finally letting yourself be happy. And because you rarely let yourself be this happy you don't know what to do with yourself now, which is why you think you're nervous."

Alex bites their lip.

"Try not to overthink things," Lucy says with easy assurance. "You and Maggie want to move forward, not back. And I guarantee if you overthink things like you usually do, you'll end up moving backwards. Unintentionally, but it will still happen."

Alex picks at the blanket they're sitting on. "I don't know how to do this," they admit softly.

Lucy frowns.

Taking a slow breath Alex goes on, "With Max, this was all scripted. And he was so suave and bland about everything that I never felt," they gesture vaguely to themself, "like this. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to _do_."

Lucy doesn't look like she quite follows what Alex is saying. "You and Maggie had dinner last night. And you're having dinner again tonight."

"Yes, but what am I supposed to _do_ around Maggie. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. What if she-"

"Alex."

"What?"

Lucy studies them. Her eyes search Alex's face and Alex stays still, waiting for Lucy's scrutiny to finish.

"I don't know if you've taken notice of the revoltingly sweet way you've been acting around Maggie, but I have. You don't have to _do_ anything more when you're with her, okay? She likes you exactly how you are. I still don't know why, but she does."

Alex doesn't have the chance to argue this, as Lucy continues, "You don't owe Maggie anything. Maggie likes you for who you are. It's okay to be giddy and nervous and unsure around her, but you need to let things happen naturally. Seriously, try not to overthink things."

"I've never done... this." Alex sighs and glances away, feeling embarrassed before Lucy, who was proposed to twice before she was twenty. "I've never done something like this before."

Lucy takes their hand and waits until Alex looks back at her. "Alex, instead of thinking about how you've never done this, why don't you step back and enjoy it for what it is? Just enjoy Maggie's company. Do what feels natural, do what feels comfortable."

Her other hand takes Alex's arm and gives a reassuring, but meaningful squeeze. "Maggie isn't expecting anything from you except that you treat her with respect, okay? There's no set script you need to be trying to follow."

Alex barks out a laugh. "My mother would be appalled to hear you say that. _Your mother_ would be appalled to hear you say that."

Giving her hair a toss and scoffing at Alex's words, Lucy replies with, "Our mothers live in different times and in different worlds than we do. They live in the world of chaperones and calling cards and engagements. You and I? We live in the sky, Alex. That freedom means we don't need to live the way society expects us to.

"Do what feels natural, what feels comfortable for you. And _talk to Maggie_ , okay?" She gives Alex another squeeze, communicating the importance of her point. "Trust me, if you tell Maggie you're giddy and nervous she's going to find it endearing, not off-putting. Tell her when you aren't sure. Tell her when you are. Maggie has a good head on her shoulders, she's not going to leave you sputtering.

"Now," she says as she lets go of Alex and gives them a little swat. "Get off my bed and go watch the sunset with Maggie and try not to get lost in your head. And when you feel yourself start to get unsure just look at Maggie."

"Look at Maggie?"

"Look at Maggie," Lucy affirms, "and remember all the reasons you like her, and you'll be fine."

* * *

Alex and Maggie sit on the deck at the prow. There is a blanket beneath them, the remnants of their dinner scattered around them, and the nose of the ship and the sunset beyond in front of them.

The sky is awash with reds and pinks as the sun sinks lower and lower, and the waves below reflect the colours in a glimmering image. The wind is cool but not cold as it blows past them.

The sky is beautiful, and the sky will always be home.

Alex has their legs stretched out on the blanket, their hands behind them bracing their weight as they watch the sky slowly begin to bleed into darkness.

Maggie sits cross-legged, turned so her body faces Alex. She looks at the sunset periodically, but as evening falls she keeps more of her attention on Alex, an easy smile on her face.

"France often feels rainy," Alex is saying. "Even when it isn't raining the feeling still hangs over. There's a dampness that's just out of reach. A brisk cold that blows at your back. Spain and Italy have a dry heat you never quite get in France.

"But the air in Spain," Alex pauses, trying to find the words they want. "Spain tastes different."

"It _tastes_ different?"

They nod. "Rome is a dry, dusty heat. You can feel it in your lungs and in your hands. But parts of Spain... they taste itchy. You can taste the greenery, the pollen in the air. It's a dry heat, but it doesn't feel dusty, it has a strange taste to the air."

"You're making this up."

Alex shakes their head and smiles at Maggie. "I'm not. When you travel for as long as I do you start to feel the differences in the air between places. It isn't just the weather, it's the air itself that separates places from each other. The air feels and tastes different. The air flies differently. The air in France tastes sharp and cool, whereas in places like Cádiz and Vigo you can taste the allergens in the air."

The pair sits in comfortable silence for a while as Maggie ponders this. Eventually, she asks, "And what does the air in Lisbon feel like?"

Alex closes their eyes and takes a deep breath, imagining themself standing in the sky port in Portugal. When they open their eyes they look back at Maggie, who watches with an happy smile, and Alex explains, "Lisbon is like a warm dream. It's sunny and sleepy and when you're down on the beach sitting by the water it's nice."

"Just nice?" Maggie sounds sceptical.

Shaking their head, Alex goes on, "No, not like a plain nice. More like a general content feeling. Lisbon is like basking in the sun. It's warm but I've been to hotter and more humid places, places where the heat chokes your lungs. The air in Lisbon tastes comforting, like you can feel the sunshine. It's a dreamy sort of nice."

"So you like the air in Lisbon."

"I do."

Maggie's eyes dance as she says, "You're just saying that to impress me."

"I'm saying it because it's true," Alex replies softly, shifting their weight so they sit up properly and can take Maggie's hand in their own.

The two stay out on the foredeck long after the sun has fallen below the horizon, trading quiet stories and slowly moving closer and closer together to fight the chill that creeps into the air.

When they finally agree to turn in for the night Maggie walks Alex to their cabin, just as she's done every other evening for the last few days. One hand curls at Alex's hip and the other cups their cheek as Maggie leans in and kisses Alex.

Alex still feels their insides flip each time Maggie kisses them, still not used to the happiness that blooms inside each and every time.

But this time feels different.

As Maggie pulls away and murmurs her goodnight Alex feels a quiet longing inside them. They don't want to be done with Maggie's company yet.

They don't like watching Maggie walk away every night.

Alex instinctively reaches out and takes Maggie's hands, halting her, but they glance away before Maggie turns back. They feel shy, something close to shameful, and chew on their lip as they try to find words to express what they want.

Maggie doesn't rush Alex. She stands silently and waits. 

Alex focuses on Maggie's boots.

Their heart beats a little bit faster inside their chest, but there's a pinch at the back of their throat. It makes their shoulders hunch and their back stiffen. It makes their fingers clasp Maggie's tighter and it makes their breath catch.

And in that moment Alex realizes they feel vulnerable.

Alex wants Maggie to stay - they want more of the kisses and the soft touches they've been exchanging, but they don't know how to ask.

(What if Maggie doesn't want that?)

They feel vulnerable, but as they peak up at Maggie, see her watching with soft, patient eyes, Alex wonders if feeling open and unprotected like this isn't something to be scared of.

Alex trusts Maggie.

Maggie is strong and sure and kind and calming. Maggie has never once been anything but attentive to what Alex wants.

Even here, even in this moment, standing in the shadows outside their quarters, Maggie's hand in their own, Alex feels safe.

The unsure feeling inside them persists and Alex can feel their face pulling into a wince, but still, Maggie waits for them to find their words. She drums her fingers against Alex's hand and eases a step closer.

Alex hardly registers the overwhelming desire to kiss Maggie again before they are surging forward and pressing their lips to Maggie's once more.

If she's startled by it Maggie doesn't show it. Her arms encircle Alex's waist and her body feels warm and strong and everything about Maggie somehow sets Alex's heart beating faster but also makes Alex feel calm and reassured inside. Maggie both steals Alex's breath but eases the tension in their chest so they can breathe again. Maggie makes Alex's mind both whirl with dizzy unfocus and slow comfortably into the present.

They pull back and Maggie takes a few moments to blink away whatever it is she's feeling before she looks at Alex again. "You okay?" She smiles, but she tilts her head as if she knows Alex is trying to voice something.

And she looks so patient and caring that the words settle inside Alex's mind and slip past their lips before Alex can stop them.

"Come to bed with me."

Maggie's eyes widen. Maggie's eyes shine.

Maggie looks at Alex like their words are a gift.

She smiles - now Maggie is the one that, for a moment, looks bashful - and then she nods and kisses Alex once more. One hand comes to rest on Alex's hip while the other reaches behind Alex to open the cabin door.

Kissing Maggie now feels like kissing her for the first time all over again.

Alex's legs feel unsteady and their chest expands with something like warm happiness, but Maggie has a gentle confidence as she guides Alex backwards into the room and toes the hatch closed behind them.

Maggie's hands are sure and strong where she grips Alex's arms, the pressure reassuring as her mouth moves against Alex's. Alex rests their hands on Maggie's hips. Only hesitant fingertips at first, but then Alex presses with their palms more confidently as Maggie steps closer, smiling into the kiss, sinking into Alex's embrace. Her hands glide up and down Alex's arms and Alex shivers.

They let their hands move up Maggie's sides and Maggie hums happily.

Alex likes the sound.

Maggie deepens the kiss and Alex digs their fingers into Maggie's sides in response. Not hard, but Alex immediately soothes Maggie's skin over her top, rubbing circles over the fabric with their palms.

Both of Maggie's hands wander up Alex's arms, gripping near their shoulders, before one cups the side of Alex's head behind their ear, pulling Alex in closer. Maggie's body is so close, so warm against Alex.

Maggie's hand trails into Alex's hair, fingers raking up, up along their scalp before slipping back to scratch at the short hairs at the back of their head. Alex starts at the sensation, breaking the kiss so they can tip their head forward. Their eyes flutter closed momentarily.

Maggie's breath is warm and light against their ear as she chuckles and teases, "Did I find a good spot?"

Alex thinks they nod in response, but they aren't sure, they're too focused on how good Maggie's scratching fingers feel at the base of their neck, swirling through the short hairs.

And then Maggie is pressing kisses to the corner of Alex's mouth, coaxing their head back up so that she can kiss down along their jaw. Her other hand slides down to grip Alex's side as she kisses where Alex's neck meets their shoulder and Alex can't believe this is real. Maggie's touch is so soft and so, so good.

They cup Maggie's face, bringing her lips back to Alex's and Maggie doesn't seem to mind at all. Then she takes a step to the side, towards the bed, and Alex stills.

Maggie sees right away and moves back into Alex's space. "Alex?"

"Is it okay if the lights are off?" Alex whispers, staring over Maggie's shoulder instead of at Maggie.

Normally, having the lights on helps ground Alex. But not this time. This time, Alex wants the darkness as a barrier. The unsteady feeling hasn't dissipated yet. Alex wants this; here and now Alex wants this with Maggie, but part of them is still unsure, is still nervous because everything with Maggie is so new.

"Hey," Maggie says, pressing up onto her toes and moving into Alex's line of sight, forcing eye contact. "Of course."

Alex lets out a breath of relief and jerks forward, pressing a hard and thankful kiss to Maggie's lips. Maggie takes both Alex's hands in her own and squeezes them before letting go and stepping to the side to cut the flow of gas to the sconces. The flames flicker and die away and the room is left dark. Shadows play along the walls from the moonlight that shines through the porthole.

"Do you want the curtain drawn, too?"

Alex shakes their head, pulling Maggie back towards them. "No. No, this is good."

And it is. For right now, simply being in Maggie's presence makes Alex feel calm. Makes Alex feel brave.

"Okay," Maggie says easily, kissing Alex again before moving towards the bed, gently tugging Alex along with her. She sits Alex down and crouches in front of them, running her hands up and down Alex's thighs soothingly, making sure Alex is calm, that Alex is okay with this. Then Maggie smiles happily, casually, as she unlaces Alex's knee-high boots, gently pulling them and Alex's socks off. A knife falls to the floor from where it was hidden in Alex's boot and Maggie laughs quietly in the dark room.

Alex removes the second knife from the middle of their back, and watches, breath caught in their throat, as Maggie's fingers deftly remove their holster and gun. Her fingers dance over Alex's hips, teasing for a moment before she shifts away to place the weapons on the desk.

(How can something as mundane as removing Alex's weapons seem so tender, yet set Alex's heart racing at the same time?)

Maggie slips out of her own boots and socks and then she comes back to Alex again, gravitating towards them, her lips soft and happy pressed against Alex's. All of her movements are light and gentle and as she smiles into the kiss Alex can't help but feel at ease with Maggie's comfortable attentiveness.

Their heart still flutters rapidly, but it feels like Alex is enveloped in a blanket of calm. It feels steady and tranquil. 

It feels like Maggie.

Still kissing, Alex lies on their back on the bed and Maggie curls into Alex's side. Her hands smooth up and down Alex's arms as she peppers kisses along their cheeks. The pace is slow and relaxed, with no sense of urgency. 

Maggie's hands run over the arms of Alex's jacket and the bullet wound from two weeks ago beneath. The injury has scabbed over and there isn't much pain now, but after the first time her hands glide over the spot and Alex winces Maggie seems to understand and is careful not to add pressure there again.

Maggie's skin feels so soft under Alex's hands; Alex is amazed at how soft Maggie feels, how soft Maggie is in her movements. She makes her way down the column of Alex's neck, breath warm and wet as her tongue trails along Alex's skin and Alex's head spins. Maggie's tongue is hot and slick and Alex's heart quickens in their chest.

"All okay?" Maggie asks as she pulls back, and Alex can see her eyes dancing in the dim light.

"Very," Alex says quickly, excited, hands tangling in Maggie's hair and tugging her back down to meet Alex's lips. Her body presses more forcefully against Alex's, partially on top of them.

It's a reassuring weight, not a confining one.

They continue kissing, hands rubbing along arms and sides. Alex tries kissing along Maggie's jaw - like Maggie did to them - and down her neck and finds the breathy sounds Maggie makes in response excite them.

As more of Maggie seems to press against Alex's chest their jacket starts to feel too snug, no longer comfortable. As if she knows, Maggie's fingertips - and just her fingertips - slip below the hem, sliding along skin. Her thumbs draw circles, easing an inch higher, but no more than that. Maggie stays like this, mouth against Alex's and fingers dancing along their skin.

"How would you feel about taking this off?" Maggie mumbles against Alex's lips as her fingers slip out and rub up the sides of their jacket, scratching near Alex's ribs.

Alex isn't sure what they want exactly. They like the feel of Maggie's touch. Maggie's touch is soft and gentle and not at all demanding; her touch isn't scary. Maggie's touch, Maggie's presence, is soothing, and the jacket is starting to become uncomfortable and tight as it bunches with their movements.

But Alex is unsure about what will happen after.

Alex may have invited Maggie in tonight, but suddenly the moment feels bigger than Alex was anticipating.

"Alex," Maggie calls quietly when Alex takes too long to answer, her face hovering above theirs. "Alex, you can say no."

Maggie looks so peaceful as she gazes at Alex, waiting for them to say something. She doesn't look rushed, doesn't look frustrated with Alex. She looks so at ease, like either answer Alex gives will be the right one.

"I..." they start, hesitant, voice hardly there. Alex wants this with Maggie. Alex doesn't know exactly what that means but knows Maggie's touch sets a fire burning inside them, makes them feel good in a way they haven't felt before. "Yes," they say. "Yes, but. Can we keep the lights out, and, and under the blankets?" 

Alex trusts Maggie.

Maggie nods, agrees, "Under the blankets," and kisses Alex's forehead. She kisses Alex's forehead with such tenderness and affection that Alex feels their chest tighten, in a good way, in a deep and meaningful way that Alex really likes.

Maggie keeps her eyes on Alex's face as first, she undoes the buttons and then tugs down the brass zipper on Alex's jacket.

Alex can't help but hold their breath as they watch Maggie's hands.

When she finishes she leaves the jacket undone but still covering Alex. Then Maggie shifts backwards, slipping off the bed. She watches Alex with a caring, happy smile as she undoes and removes her corset and leggings, draping them over the chair at Alex's desk.

Alex stares. Feels their throat go dry.

In just her silk chemise and short drawers, Maggie leans over the bed towards Alex, hovering above them. She taps Alex's legs, whispering, "Lift." Alex scoots back, shifting their legs and Maggie tugs the covers down. Then Maggie crawls forward, pulling the sheets up over her back and shoulders as she settles above Alex. Her body lays flat against Alex's, legs intertwined, and Alex hardly breathes through it all.

Maggie's body is so hot against Alex's. She's like a small coal furnace and it sets something alight inside Alex, a warmth that rushes and expands inside them.

"Safe and warm?" Maggie asks once the blankets cover them both.

"Yes."

"Good," Maggie hums. "You'll tell me what is okay and what isn't?"

Alex nods.

"You can say no, Alex. And you can change your mind. You can always change your mind. Tell me if you don't like something."

"Or if I like something?"

Maggie smiles softly. "Yes." Then she's dipping her head down and kissing Alex again. Her hands find Alex's under the covers and she threads their fingers together, squeezing for a moment before she cups their face and runs a hand through their hair.

Alex is very aware of their jacket, open and loose over their chest. They don't think Maggie's forgotten about it, but she seems more interested in pressing kisses to Alex's neck at the moment. And it's not that Alex doesn't like what Maggie is doing because they do, they do, everything Maggie is doing feels incredible.

But Alex is just so... aware. Aware of the jacket that is mostly covering them. Aware of the thin barrier. Aware that Maggie seems to be ignoring it.

Suddenly Maggie is kissing and tonguing and nipping at Alex's earlobe and Alex gasps out, seeing stars explode in their eyes as their body arches underneath Maggie's.

(Wow.)

"Stop thinking so much," Maggie teases gently, fingers dancing feather light in their hair and down their neck.

"But I-"

"You didn't seem ready yet. Alex, it's okay. You're okay. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, okay?"

Alex looks into Maggie's eyes and even in the darkness, all they see is truth reflected there. "Okay," they whisper back and then tug Maggie down to kiss them again.

They stay like that for a long while and Alex slowly grows bolder, letting their lips press wet, sloppy kisses to Maggie's neck and shoulders as their hands run up and down the skin of her arms. Everything about Maggie is so soft; Alex can't get over how smooth and tender she feels under their hands. The silk of Maggie's chemise is soft but her skin is softer, sweet under Alex's tongue.

This isn't new. None of this is new for Alex, but it feels new anyway. It feels like nothing Alex has experienced before. It feels safe. It feels playful. Maggie's body is pressed close to them but it doesn't make Alex want to pull away. It makes Alex want to press even closer, to wrap themself in Maggie's presence, in Maggie's touch.

Alex does start to grow warm, though, with Maggie's body heat pressed against them, their jacket and leather pants, and the covers drawn over top of them both. And Maggie is warm too, Alex can taste the sweat on her skin.

Their hands still and Maggie notices right away, pulling back to look down at Alex, concern clear even in the darkness.

Before she can ask Alex is shaking their head, saying, "Just a little warm." They smile shyly.

Maggie smiles back and dips to press a kiss to the tip of Alex's nose and Alex melts. Alex feels their insides puddle at how intimate the gesture is. Then Maggie is slipping from the bed. She turns her back to Alex, stepping towards the desk to pour a glass of water from the pitcher there, giving Alex a moment to, still under the covers, wiggle out from their jacket and leather pants. Alex asked to stay under the covers, and Maggie is respecting that.

(Maggie is so amazing, Alex can't understand it.)

When the rustling stops Maggie turns back to them. She holds out the glass, offering it to Alex, but they shake their head. "I'm okay."

"Alright," Maggie replies easily, setting it down on the table before moving forward, back towards Alex. She loosens her drawers and tugs them off. Her chemise hangs just over the tops of her thighs. In the moonlight Alex can just see the shape of Maggie, can see her curves and her softness, and then Maggie is slipping under the sheets, easing her body back against Alex's.

Alex has removed their pants, and the jacket and the brassiere band underneath; they wear just their short drawers now. Maggie notices right away as she settles above Alex; Alex can see it on her face. It's dark, but Maggie's face is close to Alex's, and Alex can see the way her eyebrows lift, her breath hitching for a second before it evens out again.

They don't speak for a moment, they just breathe together. Maggie's weight presses comfortably against Alex, her eyes shining and her hair cascading down over her shoulders.

"Are there... are there places you don't like to be touched?" Alex asks hesitantly, voice small.

"Near my bellybutton," Maggie answers right away, pressing a hand flat against Alex's stomach, showing them. "I'm ticklish there, it doesn't always feel good."

Alex nods, committing this to memory. They want to say more but the words don't come. They get stuck in Alex's throat, afraid to leave. They want to tell Maggie where they don't want her hands but they're scared of what will happen if they do.

They're scared to disappoint her.

Instead, Alex lifts their head forward and Maggie meets them halfway, head tipping down in a slow, gentle kiss. Maggie's hand comes to tangle in Alex's hair again and Alex sighs happily. Maggie seems to understand that Alex wants to say more but doesn't push them to, she lets Alex go at their own pace.

It's confusing for Alex. They know they should feel nervous, should feel uncomfortable, because that's how they've always felt being intimate with other people. But instead, they just feel relaxed, like simply being around Maggie eases a tightness inside them.

They kiss Maggie deeper, trying to press into Maggie's mouth exactly what they feel. Maggie's hand tightens where it grips Alex's upper arm, and they think maybe she understands.

Maggie trails kisses down towards Alex's ear, pressing her tongue against the skin she meets. Her fingers glide up and down Alex's sides, scratching at their ribs, but they don't move any further than that.

Her chemise as ridden up, and as soon as Alex spots it, they can't stop their hands from reaching out, fingers slipping underneath to press against the flat of Maggie's abs. Maggie hisses, and then makes a breathy sound against Alex's ear and Alex feels their heart thump harder in their chest. She presses into Alex's hands, rocking forward slightly, and Alex trails their hands back and forth, making shapeless patterns.

Maggie moves back up, pressing her mouth deeply into Alex's, and Alex can feel the desire building. Alex's hands slide backwards, up along Maggie's back to grip at her shoulders under the chemise and Maggie kisses even harder, tongue and lips and teeth stealing all of Alex's breath. They let their fingers claw slightly, nails digging in as they drag their hands back down Maggie's back roughly, and Maggie makes another breathy noise, like a needy whimper, and Alex isn't prepared for how their stomach drops at the sound. They aren't prepared for how much they like the sound.

They pull back from the intensity of the kiss, bringing air into their lungs, and Maggie drops feather light kisses to their cheeks, their eyelids, their forehead. She seems to understand that things are going a little too fast, a little too intense for Alex right now and she eases back.

"You okay?"

Alex takes a minute, but they say, "Yes. You?"

"I'm perfect."

Maggie presses open-mouthed kisses to Alex's bare shoulders while Alex catches their breath. They can feel their chest heaving, rising against Maggie's. The pads of Maggie's fingers rest near Alex's hips, moving in tiny circles. There are so many sensations but Alex finds they don't dislike any of them.

They still feel overwhelmed, but they feel at ease. Maggie is so calm and caring and attentive.

Alex's hands slip down and covers over the top of Maggie's. They feel Maggie smile into their skin as their fingers thread together.

Then Maggie's kisses stop abruptly when Alex tugs their joined hands upwards.

Alex focuses hard on not letting their hands shake.

"Alex."

"I'm okay."

"You're tense."

They force themself to breathe out, to relax their body. "I'm okay," they say again. "I want, I want to try..."

Maggie is different than the others Alex has been with. Everything about Maggie is soft and gentle and encouraging, never rushing, never ignoring. Alex thinks that if they go slow, they might be okay. If they can't see, if they just focus on feeling Maggie's touch then maybe it won't feel bad, it won't feel like the ripping inside them it's felt like with past partners.

They trust Maggie. And they think Maggie can read them well enough that Maggie will stop even before Alex can ask her to.

"Are you still here, Alex? Still present with me?"

Alex nods, and Maggie presses a sweet kiss near the corner of their eye. Then her head drops and her wet, sloppy kisses from before begin anew, slowly, slowly moving down Alex's neck and then across to the other shoulder while her fingers smooth slow, steady circles over Alex's sides. One arm rises, slipping back into Alex's hair, fingers scratching at the back of their neck, keeping Alex relaxed. Alex sinks into the touch, adoring how slow and tender Maggie is.

"I've got you," she whispers as her other hand slides up over Alex's chest, fingers splayed wide.

Alex gasps, surprising themself when they arch up into Maggie's touch. "Keep talking," they beg, their voice a whisper.

Maggie's voice surrounds Alex without hesitation, "I'm right here with you, Alex. You're so good, so perfect." Her fingers knead Alex's skin, touching and caressing and exploring and Alex feels on fire but it isn't a bad fire, it doesn't burn. It rushes and heats and expands all throughout them.

"You're okay. I've got you." Maggie's words don't slow. Her gentle, validating words are whispered into the darkness, surrounding Alex with reassurances, like she did those nights ago when she found Alex trapped in their panic. "You're so good, Alex. I'm right here with you. I'm not going anywhere."

Alex's body feels alight, arching into Maggie's touch. None of this feels uncomfortable. None of this feels like too much. They are mystified that Maggie's touch can feel so good in a place Alex can't look at comfortably. It's Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Maggie's touch, Maggie's words, Maggie's presence are causing Alex's heart to beat faster and faster.

Her mouth is sucking hard, teeth biting into Alex's shoulder, and the hand in Alex's hair slides down, down, gripping at Alex's hip, resting at the top of Alex's drawers. Her fingers squeeze, asking.

Alex's hips jerk away involuntarily, body stiffening for a moment but Maggie is already moving her hand away, respecting the line. Her other hand hasn't stop caressing and Alex is panting and then Maggie is moving, shifting above Alex.

She doesn't mean to, Maggie is trying to change position, but suddenly her leg is between Alex's, thigh pressing up, up, up against Alex and Alex's eyes fly open as a moan is pulled from their throat.

Something like concern blooms on Maggie's face and she immediately tries to pull away but Alex grips hard on her arms, pulling her closer, and their legs trap Maggie's leg between them. They don't want Maggie's hands there, but this, this is okay, this doesn't feel wrong.

(It feels the opposite of wrong.)

Maggie's hand on their chest stops. "Alex?"

Alex inhales shakily and doesn't let go of Maggie.

"Talk to me, Alex."

"I... please, Mags." Alex isn't sure what they want, but Maggie seems to understand anyway. 

She moulds herself flush with Alex, thigh pressing against them again, harder, and Alex rocks against Maggie's leg. Alex is still clutching Maggie, pulling their bodies impossibly closer together, worried they are gripping Maggie's arms too tight. But Maggie is right there, doesn't slow as her hand caresses Alex's chest while she presses wet, heavy kisses against their skin. She cradles Alex as they rock against her leg, strong and close and caring. Her thigh is pressing, pressing and Alex is rocking up.

And it's Maggie's voice breathing, "Alex, I've got you," warm and sweet in Alex's ear. Alex breaks, feeling something inside them snap. They stiffen, squeezing and tugging and pulling Maggie closer still as they let out a breathy sound they don't recognise. Maggie stays right there, slowly easing her touch as Alex's eyes squeeze shut.

After a long moment, everything in their body relaxes and Maggie gently shifts them flat onto the bed again. Her kisses are sweet and light against Alex's hot skin. Her hands are everywhere, soothing and caressing and draining all of the tension. Her presence surrounds Alex, still murmuring reassuring phrases between kisses. Maggie seems to wrap all the way around Alex, coaxing them gently down from the high.

Tears leak from Alex's closed eyes and Maggie hovers above them, kissing the moisture away.

Then Maggie is sinking down, easing her body around Alex, curling protectively against them, over them. Her body's weight flush and warm and secure.

"Maggie," Alex whispers into the darkness. It's both a question and an answer.

"I'm right here, Alex." Her fingers dance lazy patterns along Alex's arms; her head is tucked into Alex's neck, but every so often she moves, nose bumping Alex's skin as she presses another kiss to whatever skin she meets.

Alex wraps their arms around Maggie's middle, squeezing hard, and Maggie squeezes right back. And then they both relax, quiet and peaceful in the dark.

Alex has never felt like this, never felt so happy with someone's body pressed so close to their own. They press a kiss into Maggie's hair, still overwhelmed with sensation, with emotion, and Maggie hums happily and buries herself deeper into Alex's arms.

It feels to Alex as if Maggie belongs there.

They think Maggie has dozed off, happy and light, but Alex is replaying everything that's happened in their mind, trying to understand how nothing about Maggie's touch was unwelcome. Everything she did was so caring, so respectful of Alex. Everything about Maggie was sure and confident, but still playful and gentle, and Alex doesn't quite understand but thinks that maybe it's okay if they don't right now. Because Maggie makes Alex feel safe and warm and that's more important.

Their fingers fiddle with the lacing at the bottom of Maggie's chemise, which is bunched up around her stomach.

Maggie is so perfect, lying sleepily against Alex, and Alex is overcome with a longing, with want. It's a scary sensation, this desire to explore Maggie, to see all of her. It's new.

Everything about what's happened is new, but it has been okay so far, so they think this might be okay, too.

Their hands quiver only slightly as they slip fully under the back of Maggie's chemise. Then they settle, feeling the warmth and sweaty stickiness of the skin of Maggie's back.

Maggie lifts her head, blinking sleepily at them. "Alex?"

"I want..." they aren't sure exactly what they want, but they say, "I want to see you." Their voice is hardly there at all, it's nearly lost in the darkness.

But Maggie hears them anyway. 

"You don't... I'm okay, Alex. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I do want to," they say, pressing their hands more firmly into Maggie's back.

Maggie nods, smiling gently at Alex. Then she sits up, straddling them. The sheets slide down, pooling at Maggie's back. Alex feels gooseflesh rise on their skin at the loss of her warmth.

Maggie looks thoughtful for a moment, glancing around the dark room. Then she's gazing down at Alex, her face tender and caring. Maggie tugs her chemise off and then is immediately coaxing Alex to sit up. "Lift your arms," she says and Alex does so, not sure what Maggie wants.

She slips the silk over Alex's head, helps their arms through the holes and then is pulling the material down, covering Alex, giving them a barrier again. Her mouth is close to Alex's ear as she whispers, "So you don't get cold," but Alex knows it's more than that. Alex bites down hard on their lip as their eyes water, but then Maggie is pressing sweet, sweet kisses to their eyelids, chasing the tears away.

Alex hasn't worn something like this in a long time. But this one is Maggie's, it's warm and clings to Alex's skin with Maggie's sweat. Happiness blooms in Alex's chest; they're wearing Maggie's chemise and it feels good, it feels safe. It doesn't feel wrong.

"Is that okay?" Maggie asks, confident yet hesitant.

Alex surges forward, pressing their mouth to Maggie's, bumping noses with her in their haste. They kiss Maggie, hard and firm with meaning, before saying, "It's perfect." They rest their forehead to Maggie's for a moment, looking into her eyes before kissing her lips again. "You're perfect." Their voice wavers with the emotion they feel.

They settle back down on the bed, Maggie laying on her side, eyes soft in the moonlight as she looks at Alex. Alex's arm snakes out to hug Maggie close to them and they remember Maggie is very naked, her skin is hot and flushed against Alex.

Alex lets out a breath and kisses Maggie again while their fingers gather courage, slowly sliding up Maggie's ribs. Their hands shake, but not all of it is fear or nervousness, some of it is excitement, is anticipation. Maggie seems to understand; she doesn't rush Alex, she runs a hand up and down along Alex's arm and then tangles her hand in their hair, deepening the kiss.

Nothing more is happening but again Alex is seeing stars. Holding Maggie like this is so intimate, she's so soft and sweet.

Alex's hand slides down over Maggie's belly, careful, careful not to go near her bellybutton. And then they move their hand up. They both gasp as Alex cups Maggie's breast, fingers exploring the smooth skin.

There are a lot of feelings swirling inside Alex, so many thoughts in their head, but touching Maggie like this does not feel wrong. Maggie's skin feels soft like flower petals, smooth and silky under Alex's hand.

Alex shifts, slowly, carefully laying their body over Maggie's, mirroring their positions from before. Their legs tangle together and one of Maggie's calves slides up and down Alex's leg, coaxing them closer.

Alex gazes down at Maggie, at her breasts, her stomach, her thighs. Maggie's body is so delicate and supple, curvy and soft and feminine. And Alex finds this isn't as scary as they thought it would be. 

Maggie is lovely. 

Maggie is beautiful.

She waits, asks, "Still okay?"

"Very," Alex whispers, leaning back down, lips meeting her shoulder. Alex kisses the skin there, tonguing up Maggie's neck as both hands press into Maggie's breasts. Maggie arches up into them and Alex can feel her nipples pebbled against Alex's palms. They caress and knead Maggie the way she did to Alex earlier.

Maggie is so, so beautiful, and Alex wants to explore every inch of her, wants Maggie to know how beautiful her body is.

Alex kisses near Maggie's ear, tugs the lobe between their teeth, and asks quietly, "Is this all okay? What can I do?"

Maggie tips her head back, pressing her body more firmly against Alex's hands. "Your mouth?" is her breathy answer.

And Alex ponders this. Their kisses still but their hands keep moving, kneading Maggie's breasts. Maggie's body is not their own, their own is safe beneath Maggie's silk. Maggie's body is smooth and warm and Alex realises they want to touch all of her.

Maggie seems to understand she's asked something big of Alex and tries to backtrack, "Alex, no, you don't-"

"I want to," they cut in and slowly begin to kiss down Maggie's neck and at her collarbone. Maggie's chest rises and falls sharply against Alex's mouth, breath hitching in anticipation as Alex doesn't think, just acts, letting their lips enclose one of Maggie's nipples. 

Maggie's entire body arches up against them, one hand tangling in the sheets and the other moving into Alex's hair, gripping the back of Alex's neck, tugging them closer.

Maggie's body is on fire beneath them and Alex feels empowered, amazed that it's their touch Maggie is reacting so strongly to. Alex swirls their tongue, using their lips and teeth against one breast while their hand kneads the other. Maggie pants in the darkness, hand still tangled in Alex's short hair.

"Oh, Alex."

And everything inside Alex melts at Maggie's words, at how completely enamoured she sounds. They press their lips harder, kissing along to Maggie's other breast and Maggie's breath hitches and she gasps and moans all over again at the feel of Alex's wet, hot mouth on her.

Each new noise helps Alex grow bolder, more confident in their motions. They want to know all of Maggie, they want...

Alex's free hand slides down, down, down to Maggie's hip and Maggie's breathing changes, slows. The hand she had gripping the sheets moves and covers Alex's, holding it still.

"I'm alright," Alex whispers into Maggie's skin, lifting their head and looking into her eyes. "Is this okay?"

Maggie studies Alex's face, making sure Alex is doing this because they want to, not because they think they need to. She smiles, slow and happy, and says, "Very okay."

Alex shifts upwards, mouth pressing against Maggie's. One hand continues to smooth against Maggie's breast. The other slips from Maggie's hold, sliding down along Maggie's thigh and feeling soft, warm skin. They breathe together as Alex's hand curves inwards.

Maggie is slick and wet against Alex's fingers and it is an overwhelming sensation. Alex gasps and Maggie makes a happy noise. Their fingers slide cautiously over Maggie, unsure what Maggie likes, what Maggie wants.

"Tell me?"

"Up," Maggie says, her hand moving to Alex's, fingers encircling Alex's wrist. She guides Alex's hand upwards through her folds. "There." Her hand falls away, lifting to grip at Alex's shoulder as Alex circles and rubs. Maggie's body rocks against their hand, bucking and jerking into a rhythm.

Alex stares down at Maggie. Alex is panting, mouth dry as they watch Maggie's features, the way her lips and cheeks twitch, her eyes flutter, her chest heave, and her stomach muscles shudder. All from Alex's touch.

"In," Maggie begs them, "Inside."

And Alex's mind goes white for a moment with how needy Maggie sounds, how intimate this is, how soft and wet and warm Maggie is.

Alex's hand eases back down, fingers slipping inside of her and Maggie shudders and mews. Both of her hands, one still in Alex's hair, the other on their shoulder, claw and pull Alex even closer. Maggie is slick and soft as Alex's fingers press and dig deeper. Maggie makes the most beautiful breathy sounds as her body tenses and clings to Alex. Alex keeps moving, fingers sure and strong and knowing this feels so right, Maggie feels so right.

"Maggie," Alex calls.

Maggie's eyes open wide, staring at Alex as her pleasure erupts. Her mouth opens, soundless. Alex watches Maggie's face, watches her eyes, as her body tightens, as her chest gasps and her back arches up. Alex isn't prepared for how hard Maggie's walls grip their fingers, the waves of tightness, but they don't look away from Maggie's eyes.

Maggie stares back and then she is sinking, falling back on the pillow. She pulls Alex down with her, wrapping her arms around Alex and pulling them so, so close.

Alex slips their hand out from between Maggie's legs, pressing a soft kiss to her temple and Maggie sighs happily. Her eyes blink open and closed a few times, caught between being lost to her pleasure and wanting to keep eye contact with Alex. She shifts, moving them both until Alex is on their back and Maggie is draped over them again, hugging and cuddling and pressing close. She's so warm, curling up with her head on Alex's chest.

"Oh, Alex," Maggie whispers, sleepily kissing at whatever skin is closest to her lips.

And Alex says tenderly, arms wrapping around her, "I've got you, Maggie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's experiences are different. There's no one way to have sex, regardless of the genders of the parties involved. This is just one character's experience, and shouldn't be taken as the only way to be intimate with someone non-binary.


	13. The Atlantic Part 6 - Dawn

Dawn breaks.

They are curled together, soft and warm and happy.

As Alex started to drift off the night before, sated and content and heart swelling in a way it never had before, Alex had taken off the borrowed chemise and their drawers. Taking off the drawers was scary, but Maggie's eyes were soft and honest and her smile sweet and not pressuring. Alex felt safe and comfortable, wrapped in the dark, wrapped in the sheets, wrapped in Maggie's arms. They wanted to feel her warm skin against their own as she draped herself protectively over Alex.

The early morning light floats through the porthole of Alex's cabin casting a soft patch of sunlight on the bed. Alex's eyes blink open and closed lazily, watching dust dance in the beam of light.

They're hardly awake, but there is already a smile on their face.

Maggie is curled behind Alex; one arm is tucked under the pillow, stretched out under Alex's head, and the other is thrown over Alex's waist, holding them close, keeping them safe in her embrace. Even in her sleep, it seems Maggie wants to protect Alex. Her face is pressed into the back of Alex's neck. Her soft breaths are reassuring and her hair tickles slightly each time she shifts at Alex's back.

She's warm and snug and close and Alex feels serene in Maggie's arms.

Alex is sleepy and content with Maggie pressed so close to them. Still not fully awake, they lazily watch the dust floating and reflecting in the morning sunlight. Alex shifts themself backwards, easing closer into Maggie's embrace.

Maggie's sighs in her sleep and nuzzles closer; the arm around Alex's waist tightens reassuringly.

The smile on Alex's face can't be helped. Laying like this with Maggie feels so natural. It feels so right.

Alex feels _safe_ and it's not a sensation they feel with many people, and never like this.

Alex has never felt like this before. The low pull in their belly, the steady and slow beat of their heart, and the tranquil calm in their mind. Their skin is flush with Maggie's, bare and vulnerable in a way Alex has never enjoyed before, in a way Alex simply tolerated in the past because they thought they were expected to. But Maggie is soft and warm and happy as she sleeps and Alex smiles to themself.

Happy. Alex feels happy.

They hear the creek of the floorboards outside their quarters. Alex blinks slowly, dragging their eyes from looking down at Maggie's hand where it is curled protectively over their hip to look at the hatch.

There's a quiet knock. Lucy's knock.

Alex shifts, leaning up on their elbows and tugging the sheet up more securely. They first make sure Maggie is covered before making sure they are covered, too.

Maggie hugs herself closer to Alex's back, sighing out a half-murmured sound into Alex's neck and Alex's breath catches at how sweet the noise is. Her arm is wrapped securely around Alex's middle, hugging them tightly, and Alex suspects Maggie is awake or has been at least partially awake like Alex has for a little while. Partially awake and simply enjoying being wrapped in each other's arms.

Their hand finds Maggie's, and as soon as their hand covers hers Maggie threads their fingers together.

"Hey," Lucy whispers as she opens the door a crack. "It's only me."

Lucy gives Alex a moment, and then the crack grows wider and Lucy eases herself into the room. The door clicks closed softly as she leans back against it.

Lucy smiles fondly at them, like she's proud of them. Like she's happy she's seeing Alex share something so intimate, because Lucy knows Alex has struggled with intimacy and feeling comfortable in the past. Her gaze is soft, lips quirked and eyes crinkling slightly.

Maggie presses a kiss to the back of Alex's neck and sighs, seeming to settle back down and relax with the knowledge that it's only Lucy. Alex too relaxes.

Alex is surprised that they don't blush having Lucy see them like this. Maggie is warm and bare and draped over them and Lucy is watching but Alex isn't embarrassed. Lucy is getting a glimpse of something private, but everything feels muted around the edges with Maggie pressed so close and Alex is too at ease to feel self-conscious.

Bashful maybe. They give Lucy a shy smile, but they don't feel uncomfortable with Lucy witnessing the softness between themself and Maggie.

Alex squeezes their joined hands, adjusting so their fingers can grip Maggie's more securely.

Lucy opens her mouth, hesitant, and Alex breathes out a sigh.

Duty calls.

Lucy gives an apologetic look. "I hate to, but, you should come on deck."

Maggie shifts and starts pressing slow, sleepy kisses to the space between Alex's shoulder blades.

That does make Alex's cheeks pink and they bite their lip to try and hold in the smile because Maggie's movements feel so private, so natural.

So wanted.

Lucy's happy smile grows.

But it drops away when Alex asks her, "Why?"

She sighs and looks at the floor and Alex doesn't like what they see. Lucy looks defeated, regretful even.

"There's a ship on our tail," Lucy whispers, closing her eyes as if that will lighten the weight of the news.

Both Alex and Maggie stiffen in the bed, and then Maggie is squeezing Alex's hip and giving them a slight nudge, murmuring, "Go."

"Okay," Alex says to Lucy. "Thanks, Luce. We'll be out soon."

She nods and offers Alex a sad, apologetic smile. "I know it's early, but..."

"I know," Alex says. They don't want to leave the hazy feeling inside the room, the happy softness, the gentle morning light and Maggie's skin against their own.

But Alex is the Captain first.

"It's alright. Give us a few minutes?"

"Of course." She smiles and then she slips out of the room as quietly as she entered.

Alex feels their energy drain from their body, feels themself sink deeper into the bed with the heavy news.

This far out a ship on their tail can mean only one thing.

Lex has found them.

"Alex?" Maggie's voice is soft like bird's wings against their ear as she leans up on her elbow and kisses the top of their shoulder.

"It's him. It has to be."

They feel Maggie nod. Then she noses Alex's skin, pressing her cheek against their shoulder tenderly.

"I don't..." Alex trails off and shifts, turning in Maggie's arms.

Alex inches closer so that their noses are almost touching.

Maggie's dark eyes and darker lashes, her brown skin and chapped lips - it all looks so beautiful in the dawn's half-light. Her hair is mussed and there is an imprint of the pillow against her cheek but Alex is breathless looking at her.

"You don't, what?"

"I don't want to leave this."

Maggie's face crinkles happily and she squeezes Alex's hand. Then she unthreads their fingers and reaches forward, fingertips soft as she traces through the hair near Alex's ear. "Me neither. But duty calls, Captain. Come on." She gives Alex a little nudge, toes pressing against Alex's shin, coaxing them to move.

Alex sits up, holding the sheet to their chest. They sigh happily as Maggie's hand reaches out and dances along the small of their back, drawing mindless patterns on their skin. "That feels nice. But I'm never going to get up if you keep doing that," they whisper, turning their head and looking down at her.

Maggie chuckles and lets her hand fall back, tucking it behind her head instead.

"Can…" Alex starts and then stops, unsure what they want, unsure how to ask the unformed question.

But before Alex can even figure out what it is they want to ask her, Maggie's eyes drift closed, like she knows. "Go on," she murmurs, nodding her chin at Alex, gesturing them to go and get dressed while she lies on the bed, a happy smile on her face.

Even after the intimacy they've shared, Maggie's eyes still close, offering Alex a barrier of privacy if they need it while they get dressed.

The room feels safe with Maggie’s presence, but the comfortable feeling has become fractured with the news of Lex finding them. Alex feels their chest tighten only a small amount, but it is enough for the self-consciousness and discomfort with their body to rise.

And it’s like Maggie knows. She doesn’t judge, doesn’t question. She just closes her eyes, offering Alex a veil of privacy.

Tears prick at Alex's eyes as they move around the room, because how can Maggie know what Alex wants even before Alex does? How can Maggie be so wonderful?

Alex dons their leather pants and their favourite jacket. Their work boots slip on and their knives and pistol go back to their usual places on Alex's person. They glance back at Maggie when they finish and find she hasn't moved; her eyes are closed, one hand is tucked behind her head, and she has a content smile on her face.

"You still awake?"

Maggie hums a response and slowly blinks her eyes open.

Alex perches on the edge of the bed, one leg curled under them. They lean forward hesitantly but when they see Maggie smile wider Alex bends down and kisses her. Maggie's free hand comes up to cup Alex's cheek and they lean into her touch, wanting to bask in the softness and calmness that is Maggie for as long as they can.

Her fingers drift backwards as she and Alex part, slipping back to scratch at the short hairs at the base of Alex's neck and Alex groans and pulls away as they feel their head start to tip forward in pleasure. "We have to go," they pout, "and that feels too nice."

Maggie laughs lightly. "Alright, alright. Hands to myself."

Maggie only has the corset and trousers that she was wearing last night so she will need to go below deck to get herself something clean to wear. "I'm going to go get us something to eat," Alex offers so Maggie can change into last night's things in private before heading below. Maggie willingly, easily, offered Alex privacy and they want to return that, at least for right now while things are still new and they haven't talked about boundaries and what is and isn't okay for each of them.

It's not that Alex doesn't want to see her; they do. Maggie is beautiful. But they want to offer to Maggie what Maggie has so willingly given to Alex. They want to learn everything about Maggie they can, but it will take time and right now the ship and the responsibility that comes with it calls to Alex.

"Is M'gann even up yet?"

Alex shrugs. "I'll find us something. Come, um, come back here when you're dressed?" they stumble over their request, excited but unsure if Maggie will want to.

But Maggie nods and smiles sweetly like there's no question about it. "Of course. Why?"

"Weapons."

Maggie looks down at the pistol on Alex's hip and smirks, tilting her head. "I think you're covered."

"No, I mean, for you."

Maggie's eyes light up comically, her excitement apparent. "I get to take something from the ammunitions wall?"

"I mean," Alex starts, "I thought…"

Maggie wears a happy grin as she waits.

"I thought you could use something of mine?" They nod towards their desk. "I have some spare weapons in there - knives and a spare pistol or two. Ones I don't wear as often but that I trust." Ones they trust Maggie to use with care. Ones they trust will help to keep Maggie safe.

"Really? I'm sure one of the-"

Alex shakes their head. "I want you to. Everything on the gundeck is standard. Mine are… more powerful." The perks of having Winn and James as close friends. Some of Alex's personal pistols carry more firepower than the standard issued ones. And their spare knives are always kept at their sharpest.

"Thank you, Alex."

Each time Alex thinks Maggie's smile can't grow any more beautiful, they are surprised.

* * *

After they've eaten a small, hastily grabbed breakfast and Maggie is dressed and wears one of Alex's spare pistols and a hidden knife, they leave the safety of Alex's cabin.

Alex walks out onto the main deck with Maggie a step behind. They nod to Lucy, who's waiting for them in the centre of the deck. Kara is a few feet away, frowning as she looks over the port rail.

Even though it is early some of the crew are already up and about. Alex isn't sure if it's because Lucy has woken them up already or if they've woken up on their own but Alex can feel the tension on deck. Kara wrings her hands anxiously as she looks over Roaming Star's portside stern. Winn stands next to Lucy, face drawn into a frown as he clasps his hands in front of him and his eyes track back and forth across the deck, unable to focus on something solid.

Unlike Kara and Winn, Lucy's face is a mask of calm. Alex can see traces of apprehension in her eyes and a tightness in her lips. But before the crew, Lucy wears her mask of bravado.

"Who do we face, Topsman?" Alex calls up as they and Maggie come to stand near Lucy and Winn.

"The hull's inscription is clear. It's Bloody Steed, Captain," the man's voice drifts down. He doesn't look at Alex; he stays balanced on the yard, one hand flat against the mainmast as the other holds his spyglass to his eye.

"He's not even pretending to be an allied merchant so he can get close enough to board us?" Maggie scoffs. "Where's the fun in that?"

"He knows I'm too smart for that," Alex says.

Maggie frowns. "Cat and mouse?"

"Cat and mouse," Lucy agrees. "And he's letting us know he's the cat."

Alex looks from the Topsman towards the stern. They can't see the pirate's ship from here, their quarters on the upper deck block the view. But they know the ship must be still far off; everyone on deck is tense, but they aren't panicked. There is a sense of urgency on the horizon.

They glance at Lucy and say, "Speaking of, make sure the cat is locked in the berth. I don't want him getting in the way or getting stepped on."

A cheeky grin takes over Lucy's face and she throws a hand over her heart. "Oh, Alex, I didn't know you cared."

"I don't," they say stubbornly. "I just don't want any tripping hazards. And tripping over him is like tripping over a crate. He's thick and immovable, and I don't need any of the crew dealing with injuries right now."

"Ass."

Alex shrugs.

"How close are they to us?" Maggie asks, nodding towards the stern.

"Still a ways off," Winn answers. "He's, uh, he's keeping distance; he isn't gaining. Not yet, anyway. He's letting us know he's there, that's all."

"He's cocky and he's posturing," Lucy says with an eye roll. "Men."

"Can we outrun him?" Maggie asks. Alex can hear the worry in her voice, so they reach out and take her hand, letting their thumb sooth over her palm. Maggie kept Alex calm last night and this morning. Now Alex will help Maggie to stay calm as she faces sky pirates for the first time.

(Winn notices but doesn't say anything, just smiles to himself.)

Maggie grew up on the water; Maggie knows of pirates. But there is a difference between common pirates and the Pirate King of Europe.

That difference is clear in the long list of downed skyships left in Lex's wake.

Kara still fidgets by the rail but she speaks up, "We're two days from Halifax. Not impossible to run, but... probably not worth it." Alex can see the anxiousness in the way Kara shifts her weight and squeezes the rail. Kara is always moving, but this time it seems different. It doesn't feel like she's doing it to soothe herself, it looks more like she's doing it because she isn't sure what else she can do, standing on the deck watching the enemy ship approach. She stands in place but her body flits about, betraying her nervousness.

Lucy shakes her head at Maggie and claps Winn on the shoulder and says, "Even if this one gives us the okay to push the engines like that, Lex has a bigger ship."

"She's right." Winn bobs his head as he speaks. "Bloody Steed has three turbines, one on each side and one on the stern. We can't outrun him, not now. Not after he's spotted us."

"Three turbines? Why don't we have that?"

"Two turbines is Skyman Guild regulations for a ship our size," Alex explains. "It's for safety; the more engines and turbines you introduce, the easier it is for things to go wrong, and the worse things are when they do go wrong."

"Even Bailiff didn't have three turbines," Winn adds. "And it was twice as large as us and had five masts. Three turbines and three sets of engines and pistons mean a lot more moving parts. And _a lot_ more pressure build up if there's a blockage." He taps his bad eye. "And accidents like this are more common. And, you know, worse."

"So he does what he wants?"

"Lex's ship is... enhanced to suit his needs," Alex goes on. "And it's not like he's part of the Guild. If he doesn't care about the safety of his crew, that's his prerogative. But it puts us in a tight spot."

"So what do we do?"

Alex squeezes Maggie's hand. "We face him. He's a boy who's envious of his sister's toys. It's time he grew up."

"Alex. Alex, you're sure?" Winn doesn't look convinced. "I know we don't have many other options, but, we're just going to sit here and wait for him to attack?"

Lucy smirks. "It's that or charge him."

Winn blanches and gulps.

"No," Alex says. "We keep going forward, and at a faster pace. I want him to think we're running." Alex is met with multiple confused looks, so they elaborate. "He has his preconceived notions of me, of what I'll do, of what the crew will do. After his men attacked us over Spain he thinks he knows us. We ran then. We defended ourselves but we didn't stay and fight. We didn't bring that ship down. He's going to expect us to run now, just like before. So we let him think we're running. Instead, we get ready."

"Alex, if that ship thinks we're running, they'll come steaming after us. I don't… Alex, Bloody Steed is _fast_ ," Winn stresses. "If they get going fast enough, if they really want to give chase, they'll catch us."

"Let them."

They can feel Maggie's worry as her fingers twitch nervously in Alex's grip.

"The only way out of this is to fight back. Let him get hungry. Let him get cocky. I want him so focused on taking us down, on catching his prize, that he isn't prepared for us to hit him back. We can't outrun him, and I'm not waiting here while he comes to us."

"Our terms," Lucy says knowingly. "You want this on our terms."

Alex nods. "This isn't going to be a blind panic. This will be a controlled sprint."

"Where do you want us?" Lucy asks, and Alex can see the spark in her eyes. Lucy knows how serious this is, but the excitement, the action, is calling her. Her hand, which has a white-knuckle grip on her pistol, is the only thing that betrays her. Lucy is focused. She's a little nervous, and she's building up her bravado, but she's determined and ready for what's to come.

The last time they faced off with pirates Lucy's quick thinking was what saved their lives and earned her the position as Chief Mate. Alex knows she's remembering that, centring herself for the coming fight.

Alex starts, "Go and make sure J'onn-"

"He's already on the gundeck. I woke him after I woke you and Maggie up."

(Winn's smile widens.)

"Good. Check in with him? I want each cannon loaded and ready before we start to run. We don't know how long Lex will chase before he pounces." Lucy nods seriously. "Advise him to prepare the cannons all for an additional five or six rounds each. We want quick and clean loadings, no use having his crew running back and forth across the cabin pulling shot. Have him get our reserves stacked and ready to go, waiting next to each cannon."

"That many?" Maggie asks.

"We don't know what will happen, but I want us prepared. And Lucy?"

Lucy's eyes watch Alex's, tense but completely trusting.

"Have J'onn send up the hand cannons."

"Yes," she shouts, giving a cheer, "my favourites."

Alex rolls their eyes. Lucy winks and then she scampers off to do as she's been asked.

"Winn?"

"Yes, Captain!" He stands at attention.

"No one sleeps."

"Got it."

"No one sleeps," Alex repeats. "It's still early morning, but we've got a raptor circling. I want everyone awake, aware, and on deck." Alex pauses, and then amends, "Those who've just finished night watch can rest while we bait Lex if they want."

"It's unlikely they will."

"Still give them the option," Alex insists. They don't want a tired crew, not right now. "Everyone else I'd like to report on deck as soon as they're able."

"As soon as they're able," Winn repeats, nodding solemnly. "We aren't under fire yet, but you want the ship ready."

"Exactly," they say, smiling at him. So long as they keep him busy, Winn will be okay. Winn can keep a sound mind in a crisis, but like Kara, Winn can also get overexcited and needs a clear outlet to focus on. They can see that it hasn't really hit him yet; his face is determined as he receives his orders but the danger they're all in hasn't sunken in quite yet for him.

So long as he has a clear task to accomplish, as long as his hands and his mind are busy, his panic shouldn't get the better of him.

He gives Alex a quick salute before he heads below deck.

Maggie crowds a step closer to Alex, and they welcome it. Maggie may be nervous, but to Alex, she feels like a steadying anchor. They will all get through this.

As they follow Winn's movements as he descends out of sight Alex spots Vasquez and calls her over.

"Yes, Captain?" she says and approaches immediately. She's calm and collected at the prospect of a sky battle. It's reassuring and it's exactly what Alex wants to spread to the rest of the crew.

"We're going out with all sails up; we're going to try and put some distance between us and our shadow. Can you lead the crew in getting everything ready as they report on deck? And the spanker is loose, I can hear it flapping."

She nods. "Of course, Captain."

"Vas."

"Yes?"

"Lead them with a song."

She blinks, surprised, but says, "Right."

Alex wants Vasquez singing, wants the energy of a sky shanty to carry over the deck. Not just because everyone is going to be working hard and hauling lines, but because Alex wants to keep the crew at ease. Alex wants everyone loose and ready, not panicked and scared. And they know something as simple as Vas leading the crew in a call and answer will be enough to distract them.

Vasquez nods her understanding, eyes twinkling as she thinks through her options. "Perhaps everyone will enjoy the escapades of teasing a drunken sailor?"

"So long as it keeps everyone focused it sounds good to me."

"You think we could get some spirits to go along with the tune? I know M'gann has a private stash just for you. Might help loosen up the crew."

Alex stares her down until Vas starts laughing and wanders away.

Maggie looks amused. "You have a private stash of alcohol?"

"Only for when they all drive me to drink."

"And where do you want me?"

"Not yet," Alex says softly, smiling and looking into her eyes. They squeeze her hand again, not wanting to let Maggie go just yet. "Where's Lena?" Alex asks aloud, eyes sweeping the deck.

"Right here, Captain." She stands a few feet away, quiet and still next to Kara's fidgeting form.

Alex gestures them both closer.

Considering what they are making plans for, Lena looks cool and collected. Her eyes are sharp, lips pulled tight. But her posture is tall and straight. On Lena, Alex spots no fear, only determination to do what is right, only loathing for her brother and his ways.

"You would be safer below," Alex starts and Lena stands taller, ready to argue. "But," Alex goes on, "If that isn't something you expressly want to do, then you need to stay close by above deck. Out of the way of the crew, but close by."

"Of course."

"You know Lex in a way the rest of us don't, Lena. If you can offer any insights or knowledge about your brother you think we could use, it would be appreciated."

"I've never seen him in a fight."

Alex shakes their head. "No, but you grew up with him. You might spot something we could use. A strategy you know he'll follow."

"I'm sorry for all this," Lena says softly.

"No, you don't need to be. He's terrorized the skies long enough." Alex then turns to their sister. "Can you make sure M'gann is up and cooking? I want everyone fed for this; no fighting on an empty stomach."

"I can do that."

"And you could stay below and give her a hand."

Kara scoffs at that and physically waves Alex's comment away, like she can't believe Alex would even suggest that she not be present for the fight.

(It was worth a try.)

Kara passes Winn on her way below deck. He comes back to stand with Alex and Maggie, letting Alex know that everyone in the berth is awake and on their way up to start preparing the ship.

"Good. We'll do this full sails and full steam, make him think we're deciding to run."

"Alex," Winn warns, "They've got a faster ship. They have four masts full of sails and an extra turbine."

"It's just until they get close enough that we can get the first shot in and get the upper hand. I know this comes down to a sky battle, Winn. There's no avoiding that. This is just buying us some time to prepare and giving us time to stroke his ego and let him get cocky."

"You think he will?" Maggie asks quietly. "Get cocky?"

Alex nods. "He isn't fighting with a male Captain, and that's all he's going to focus on. If J'onn were the Captain right now I wouldn't think this would work. Lex is too smart for that. But J'onn isn't the Captain, I am. I should be an enigma to him, but instead, he's going to see me the same way any other pirate would. As any other man would. As an object, as something to dominate, as a prize to bring down."

Alex knows exactly what Lex must think of them. And for once, it will be an advantage.

Lex is blinded by gender, and because Alex is not a man Lex can see only one other option. Because Alex is not a man Lex thinks he can intimidate Alex. He thinks Alex will be weak and frail, will run and hide and succumb to femininity, as he thinks all women do.

From pouring over Kara's map, from looking at the newsprint reports and Lena's own recounts Alex knows that all of Lex's attacks have come in one of two ways. The first through flying false colours so they can get close enough to board and the second is springing an attack in the dead of night.

But right now, Lex's ship sails boldly on the horizon, blatantly trying to intimidate Roaming Star. Because Alex is not a man, Lex has his clear notions of what he thinks Alex can do. He's treating this attack differently, as if he thinks it's hardly worth his time. To him, this is a sport, a conquest, not a battle.

If he weren't after Lena and her plans, Alex thinks Lex would continue to ignore them, would continue to believe Alex and their ship wasn't worth his time and effort.

It's only impressive, it only builds his name, if he takes down the strong - the well-muscled and burly Captains in the Guild. Knocking down other men builds Lex up; why would he bother with someone like Alex, who he only sees as a woman.

Lex thinks he understands women. Lex knows society's moulds and conventions for women; he sees women as soft and quiet, as objects and trophies, as demure toys without any true thoughts or convictions of their own. To people like Lex, women serve only to higher a man's rank in society by linking powerful families through marriage, to produce heirs and keep house and hang silently on their husband's arm.

He thinks he can bully Roaming Star because they sail with women on deck. To someone like Lex, being stronger, being superior, is what matters. It's why he's the Pirate King of Europe; he boasts of being stronger and superior to any other ship in the sky.

And the sky is no place for a woman. Its been the mantra of skysailors for decades.

But that mantra is losing its strength. The sky is not a safe place for women, not yet. But Roaming Star is not the only ship that carries women as members of its crew. Those other ships are few and far between, but they do exist. There are people who will look beyond appearance, who will look instead to someone's heart and mind to deem them worthy of finding a place in the sky.

People like Vasquez's father, whose own wife sailed with him for decades. Where Vas' mother was not just a member of the crew but was the Master Gunner; she was entrusted with the safety of the entire crew while they sailed far from the relative safety of Europe's coast, out past farther than even Alex has sailed.

People like the man in Boston who tasted M'gann's cooking and fell so in love with it that he offered her a place on board his ship, regardless of colour, regardless of gender, but because he respected her for who she was and what she could do, could see the potential in what she could become.

People like the Captain of Tempest of Jupiter, who didn't bat an eye when Lucy, a spunky young woman hiding her family name, asked to join the crew. He could see she was hard working and determined to prove her place and that was enough for him. And his approval was what gave Lucy the internal strength and conviction to go on and sail with other vessels with exclusively male crews; to challenge them and demand they treat her as an equal. To prove to them that she _was_ an equal.

People like the Captain and crew of Rebel Orca, who agreed to take on Alex's younger sister not because Alex was the ship's Surgeon and liked well enough, but because Kara had a brilliant mind for the skies and the stars and there was no question that she would benefit them all, even if she was impish and eighteen and still a happy, young girl at heart.

People like J'onn, who has no problem sailing with, or under the command of, anyone he trusts. Regardless of their gender, colour, status, or religion. So long as they offer him respect, so long as they are good and honest in his eyes, J'onn will not only share the skies, but he will teach and encourage others to grow and do the same.

The winds are changing, and it's time Lex understood this.

His ship sails in plain sight of Roaming Star, a deadly and imposing sight. He is not a phantom in the night, not something male Captains must keep an eye out for and watch on the periphery. Before Alex, who is not a man, Lex shows his true self, confidently displays his strength and power, believing he will make Alex's knees tremble with fear.

But Alex is not trembling.

Lena and Alex are not men, so Lex thinks he can control them. He thinks he can overpower Lena not just because she is his younger sister and by extension - in his mind - his property, but because she is a woman.

But Alex is no woman.

Which is why Alex will be the one to drive the lesson home for Lex.

There will always be pirates, but Lex's Kingship of terror has gone on long enough. The skies are not his to rule any longer.

The skies may not be a safe place for all, not yet. Roaming Star may be the only safe place for much of the crew, who do not fit society's institutions and rules of behaviour.

But Alex can stand up to Lex. Alex can make him and his pirate crew, and every Captain and Guild member who ever said Alex could not sail, rethink what it means to be a skysailor. Rethink that one needs straining muscles to earn the respect of a crew. Rethink what one needs between their legs to lead a crew.

It may not be what is wise. It may not be what is safe.

But it is what is necessary.

Winn continues speaking, analysing the strengths and weaknesses of Bloody Steed, but Maggie's gaze turns to Alex. She sees as Alex stands taller, stands firmer, before this threat to their sky family. She sees the strength and honesty in their heart, sees the confidence and the calm in their eyes.

She squeezes Alex's hand, letting Alex know she trusts them, that she is in this with them to the end, no matter how dangerous.

Alex likes this, the easy non-verbal communication they can share, the strength and calm they can pass between them.

"-can't turn on a five-cent the way we can, Captain," Winn is saying. "Their third turbine makes them good at charging ahead, sure. But they won't be as agile as us. We can lean on our sails to spin us to face aftward. Bloody Steed can't balance like that with their third turbine."

"That's good to know," Alex says, giving Winn an appreciative look.

"I'm going to go check the engines. I know their sound, but, a third or fourth look won't hurt.

"Please do. I want you and James on standby. If things get messy I want you both close by in case we need to push the ship to make a quick exit. And stop by the bridge to make sure the Helmscrew is aware of the situation. I trust Clark to keep us flying; let him know we're going to be putting his skills to the test."

"Will do, Captain."

He leaves and Alex and Maggie are finally alone.

"And me?" Maggie asks once it's clear everyone else has their assigned tasks. "Where do you need me?"

"On the gundeck with J'onn."

Maggie tilts her head. "I'm not part of the Guncrew."

"No," Alex agrees, "but J'onn - and I - think you could be someday."

"Really?"

Alex smiles softly. "I do. And what better way to test that out than to toss you headfirst into the fire and see how you do."

"That's not exactly reassuring."

"I know you'll do fine."

Maggie considers this, and then she says slowly with meaning, "Lena doesn't have to stay below."

Alex winces. "I'm not just asking you to be down there to keep you safe. I know you're more than capable of keeping yourself safe. I trust you, Maggie. Right now, we're all hands needed, and that's where I think you'll be most useful." They smile encouragingly at her, thumb rubbing over her hand. "I saw your face light up when J'onn was showing you how to use the cannons. You belong on this ship, and I think your place could be on the gundeck, working to keep everyone else safe."

Maggie embodies calm. It's one of the things Alex admires most about her. It was one of the first things Alex noticed about her. Even when she's frustrated or upset, Maggie can keep a level head. Not because she pushes how she's feeling down, but because she is able to focus on what's fair, regardless of how she feels. Maggie has a steady presence, and Alex knows that's something that is needed on the gundeck. Not just for herself, staying calm while the cannons fire, but to project onto the rest of the Guncrew.

And by the way her eyes light up again at the thought of the heavy weaponry - of getting to use the heavy weaponry - Alex knows they've made the right decision. Maggie's entire self grows excited, not just at the thought of getting to fire the weapons, but at having a true purpose and place, of being able to defend and protect the crew and keep everyone around her safe.

Because in only the few weeks Maggie's been a member of the crew, it's clear to Alex that Maggie is loyal and fiercely determined to keep those around her safe.

Maggie's smile grows as she blinks up at Alex. "Glad you think so." Then her face changes; she smirks. Her voice is a little lower and her stare is a little more intense as she says, "Anywhere else you think I belong?"

"I, uh, I mean," Alex stammers, feeling their face grow hot.

Maggie lets go of Alex's hand so she can cup their cheek, drawing them into a kiss. "Alright, Captain," she drawls. "I'll go help with the big guns."

Alex fondly smiles at her. "Do as J'onn says. He'll keep you safe."

"And who's keeping you safe?"

Alex doesn't answer because they know Maggie already knows.

(Captain first.)

"You're in this now," Alex says slowly. "Not even a month in the sky and you're in the midst of a battle."

"You've got to keep me on my toes somehow."

Maggie smiles, but that's not what Alex wants. They're trying to be serious. They wish that Maggie wasn't in this situation, that Maggie's life wasn't in danger while she's still so green to the ways of the sky.

It's like she can see the thoughts as they appear on Alex's face. "Alex, it's okay. I trust you."

"No, Maggie, it's not okay, it's-"

"Alex." She tilts her head, waiting until Alex quiets before she goes on. "I trust you. Not just because you're the Captain and it's your job to do what you have to do. I trust _you_ , I trust Alex. I told you last night, I'm not going anywhere."

Alex feels a pinch in their chest and a quiver in their lip. "You mean that?" They try to hold back a shy smile.

"If you want me to, then yes."

She's so open and honest it baffles Alex.

It baffles Alex that someone who's spent her life hiding like Alex has - in her own way, but Maggie was still hiding - and who's lost so much and in such a harsh, final way can be so willing to fight for something that's still so new to her. That she can be so ready to face the storm, to fight alongside these people, when she's only known them a short while.

It baffles Alex, but it makes them care for Maggie even more.

"Even when we're about to battle sky pirates?"

This time Maggie doesn't smile, not with her lips, not with her dimples. But she smiles with her eyes as she looks at Alex. There's a calmness, a steadiness in her eyes, but also determination and excitement. Maggie is sure of herself.

(And Alex is sure that Maggie belongs here.)

"Even when we're about to battle sky pirates," Maggie agrees. "Ride it out or die trying, right? I'm in this with you, Alex. Not just because I have to be, but because I want to be. I heard the sailor's call, that call to adventure, the same as you did. I just found the sky a little later in life."

"I think you found the sky at just the right time," Alex says right away, before they can even process what they're saying. Then they feel their cheeks burn.

Maggie laughs, "Me, too."

"Be safe," Alex tells her.

"You, too, Alex. He's dangerous. Don't be reckless."

"I won't."

She kisses Alex, whispering, "Ride on to die, Al," before slipping away.

Alex stands still for a moment, taking a slow breath.

They're okay. They can do this.

The deck is beginning to come to life. They can feel the floor beneath them begin to rumble as Clark shifts them into a higher gear, pushing the steam to carry them faster.

Vasquez begins to sing, something simple at first, a call and answer that the crew know well. As everyone begins to fall into the rhythm they start to haul on the lines to adjust the sails so they can maximize the wind's force.

Alex can feel the energy change. The crew don't just pull down on the ropes, they let themselves be carried by the music, jumping up in place to grasp the braces and heaving down in squats in time with Vas's calls, pulling hard and fast on the lines as the ships white sails climb higher.

The shanty grows louder as more and more of the crew join in. And even after the sails are all up and Roaming Star begins to charge forward, to begin the game of chase with Lex Luthor, Vas continues to lead them in song as they tie off the ropes and go about their usual tasks. The songs keep the crew's spirits up, keep them at ease as they prepare for the long day ahead of them.

Glancing up, Alex calls up to the Topsman, "I don't want you falling off the yards when the cannons start to fire."

"I'd catch a line before I hit the deck!" is the indignant reply, his bright dyed hair flashing against the white canvas behind him.

"Being tangled in rope while we're under fire isn't exactly better, you know."

"Understood, Captain. But I'd prefer to keep an eye on them until they come in range."

"On your call, then," Alex says, looking around the deck once more. Lena stands by the foredeck with Winn, the two of them likely reviewing any last minute changes to the ships mech they could make that could come in handy.

Seeing Lena makes them think of Kara, but before Alex can even open their mouth to call for her, Kara appears at their side. "I'm right here, Alex. Where do you need me?"

"Safe on land, preferably."

Kara tuts, looking out over the rail. "A little late for that."

"Then I want you right by my side, always."

Kara smiles, her eyes light even now, with danger looming. "I don't know," she says. "Lucy's spot is always next to you, and it seems like Maggie is worming her way in pretty close to your other side. Still have room for me?"

"Kara."

"Relax," Kara giggles, "I'm teasing. I'm right beside you in this, Alex. You're not facing him alone."

A thought comes to Alex then. "Where are Lena's plans."

Kara's giggles stop abruptly. "Hidden," she says, body tensing next to Alex.

"Kara, the navigation room has a safe. That will be the first place he looks if he gets on board."

"They're secure. I know they are."

"He's chased her for months, chased her across the open ocean. He'll tear this ship apart to find them."

"I know," she agrees. "But he won't find them."

Kara looks absolutely positive about this and it puts Alex on edge. "Kara, what did you do?"

Kara doesn't answer. Which does not make Alex feel any better.

"Okay," they amend when it's apparent Kara won't share where she's hidden them. "Who else knows where they are?"

"Just me."

"And Lena," Alex adds for her.

"No, Alex," Kara grits out. "Just me."

Alex takes Kara's arm and turns her to face Alex fully. They don't like how hard Kara's eyes have gotten. The shift was instantaneous, from light and happy to firm and steely. "Why doesn't Lena know where you've hidden them?" they press, their voice low.

Kara's face is hard and serious, but she bites her lip anxiously as she contemplates her answer. Eventually, she says, "If he - if Lex - if he tries to, if he hurts one of us - if he hurts _me_ , then she'll tell. She'll tell him where the plans are. I know she will," her voice cracks and Kara takes a second to try and compose herself. "She will. She'll give in and tell him because she doesn't want to see anyone else get hurt. So I didn't tell her where I hid them. It's better, it has to be better if she doesn't know. It's safer for her and for all of us if she doesn't know."

She's terrified, Alex can see. She's terrified, but still so brave.

"And if he hurts her?"

Kara grimaces but doesn't say anything.

"Kara, what happens if Lex hurts Lena?" Will Kara be strong enough to resist, to hold the truth in if she sees Lena in pain?

"We won't let him. We, we can't let him. Alex, we can't. We have to keep her safe from him. Please."

Kara's eyes flood with tears and Alex pulls her into their arms immediately. Alex can plainly see that the tension on deck is getting to Kara, that her emotions are starting to overwhelm her. She isn't only upset because she's worried about Lena - though that is a large part of it, that much is obvious. Kara is also worried about everyone else on deck in the face of this monster. Kara knows how to be brave, Kara knows how to be strong, but even Kara has her limits for what she can keep contained before her sibling.

"We won't let him hurt her," they insist, holding Kara close and rubbing her back. "We won't let him hurt her." But their voice wavers. "We'll keep her safe."

Alex will do anything to keep the crew safe, and Lena has become part of that circle. But Alex knows Lena will be Lex's main target. It's going to be a hard promise to keep. But it is a promise that Kara needs, so Alex makes it. "We'll keep her safe," they repeat.

Bloody Steed stays on their stern the entire morning, chasing them in their course to Halifax. The sun reaches its peak and then continues on in its track across the sky, and still, Lex stays on them.

He keeps pace but never tries to gain on them.

Alex has Clark push the engines a little further, a little faster. Bloody Steed speeds up but does not close the gap. Alex has Clark ease back, and their shadow does the same. Lex continues tailing them, a dark spot on the horizon, a flicker of black in the corner of their vision.

He is stalking them, waiting for his prey to run themselves into exhaustion.

Alex refuses to give in so early.

"Cut the engines and angle the turbines a quarter down," Alex yells down to Clark through the speaker's horn.

"Captain?"

"I want us on minimal thrust. Steady the keel for a standstill, Helmsman."

Though it's clear he's weary, Clark doesn't question Alex's command. The sound of the turbines dies down considerably. Clark leaves them with just enough power to keep them airborne.

"Adjust the sails. Put us in irons!" Alex calls out to the crew.

There is a moment's hesitation. Putting them in such a vulnerable position, putting them at a standstill as they face directly into the wind, is something avoided even on good days. And with a beast at their back, it makes their position all the more dangerous.

But Alex is the Captain, and the crew trust Alex's decisions, so everyone on deck jumps into action. Half of the crew haul on the braces at each of the three masts, a synchronized motion of hands reaching up and then pulling down; the other half let their lines slide loose, allowing the yards to swivel in their parrels and swing around. As the crew hauls on the braces the yards and the square sails attached to them begin to slowly turn and the ship loses its forward momentum.

By the time the ropes are tied off Roaming Star's prow faces west, directly into the wind; the yards and sails run parallel with the length of the deck and the ship hovers on engine power alone, at a near standstill in the air.

The sails begin to flap and shake, canvas cracking loudly as the wind sweeps along the sides and they are unable to billow out and catch it.

"This is it? We're going to let him approach?" Lucy says as she comes to stand beside Alex.

Alex turns and gives Lucy a false-threatening look. "Go take a swim if you think that's what I'm doing."

Lucy laughs.

Winn has finally started to look worried. "Alex, he's going to fire if we let him get too close."

"No, he won't."

"Alex-"

"He wants Lena, and he wants her papers because he's a greedy bastard. He's not going to fire on us if we sit dead in the air. Not yet."

Winn still doesn't look convinced. "What if-"

"Winn," Lucy says, voice direct but not condescending. "Alex knows what they're doing."

"We're going to wait this out, and then we're going to make him mad," Alex says but doesn't explain further. "Go below," they instruct him. "Send James up. There's nothing more he can do in the engine room right now. And tell J'onn the first shot is entirely his call. He'll know when."

Eyes widening, Winn nods mutely. He doesn't move until Lucy gives him a gentle shove.

"He's scared," Lucy says softly once he's gone.

"We all are. But I'm not going to let fear get the better of me. Not right now."

Lucy and Alex stand at the foredeck, side by side as they look down the length of the deck. The ship is angled just enough that they can see their tormentor over the port rail.

"Make him mad," Lucy muses to herself. Her eyes light up. "You're going to do like we did that one time over Rome, aren't you?"

"That one time," Alex laughs at her wording, as if that wasn't also where Lucy earned her current rank on deck. They smile at her. "It worked out fine in the end."

"You're unbelievable, you know that? We almost lost the entire mizzenmast because of your brilliant plan back then. Those kinds of repairs don't come cheap, Alex."

"But we didn't lose it." They smirk at her. "What, you don't think it'll work?"

"Oh, no, it'll work. Lex is a totty one-lung and I know he'll fall for it." Lucy agrees. "But it's completely reckless."

"I have a plan."

"Yes, I know. A _reckless_ one," Lucy stresses.

"And what would you do in my place, my wise advisor?"

" _Well_ ," Lucy scoffs, arms sweeping out and onto her hips with a flourish. "For starters, I wouldn't be in this mess because _I_ wouldn't have brought a Luthor on board. And," she goes on before Alex can get a word in, " _I_ would not have casually shot three pirates, fired on their ship, and then _took off_ , effectively teasing Lex and making things worse, _Captain_. For starters." She smiles prettily at Alex. "My full list of your mistakes is in my bunk. I can go and get it if you'd like."

"So dramatic," Alex says without looking at her.

"I prefer passionate, thank you." She looks out over the rail, demeanour softening. "He thinks we're surrendering. He's getting closer."

"You trust me?"

Lucy's answer is immediate. "With my life."

Alex nods. "Good. Go make sure everyone knows what's coming. We'll need to be quick to pull it off." Lucy begins to walk away, and Alex calls out to her, "Oh, and Luce?"

Lucy glances back.

"The feeling is mutual."

Lucy rolls her eyes. "You sap." And then she leaves to do as Alex has asked, moving to the centre deck and beginning to weave between the crew to tell them Alex's plan.

Alex stands alone on the foredeck, eyes drawn back to Bloody Steed. The ship grows larger, intimidating as it sails towards them. At this closer range, Alex can see how much bigger the ship is than their own. Its hull is full metal, like Roaming Star's, and its four masts are thick and secure.

Like the last ship of Lex's fleet they faced, no brass gleams from Spiders crawling the hull. Lex must have something against having the mech on his fleet.

The ship looms closer and closer as Roaming Star hovers in the air, the perfect image of surrender.

"Clark," Alex says casually through the speaker's horn.

"Yes, Captain?"

"On my word, full steam ahead. The crew is going to bring us around - wind to starboard. I need you to keep us hard keel to port."

"Understood. We're coming around to face him?"

"Not yet. We're going to bolt like a hare from a fox. Full steam, Clark, full steam. I want him rabid as he chases us."

"You're scary when you're like this, Alex. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Though Clark can't see, Alex still shrugs. "Once or twice."

Lucy and Alex's eyes meet from across the deck. Lucy stands with the crew, arms ready to haul on Alex's command. Kara, James, Vasquez, and M'gann are all scattered on the deck as well, hands at the ready. Lena stands at the bow with Alex, keeping close but out of the way of the crew as they work, just as Alex asked.

Alex would be among the crew helping, would be hauling the braces alongside their deck mates, but right now it's more important for Alex to keep eyes on the beast approaching.

Winn will be in the bridge with Clark, helping where he can. And for now, Maggie is safe on the gundeck with J'onn. J'onn, whose timing will be everything now.

But J'onn knows his Captain; J'onn knows Alex. And Alex trusts that J'onn will know exactly what to do, even without Alex's instructions. J'onn's job is to protect the ship at all costs, and Alex knows he will do just that.

"Brace yourself," Alex says to Lena. They don't watch to see what she does; Alex leans against the port rail, eyes skimming down the length of the ship to lock on Bloody Steed.

The ship is closing in fast. Lex is sure this will be an easy takedown.

But Alex is too stubborn to go down without a fight.

Aside from the shuttering canvases above the deck is silent. Everyone waits for Alex's command.

Alex waits, watching the ship draw nearer and nearer. They know what they're doing, they can't doubt themself now.

A slow breath in and out; Alex watches and waits.

Bloody Steed is only a few ship lengths away when Alex sees what they are waiting for. The small utility ship detaches from the side of Bloody Steed. It's unlikely Lex is on board it; he's cocky but not foolish. More likely, he has sent men aboard to taxi across to Roaming Star and ensure the crew's surrender.

Lex probably thinks Alex is hoping to offer Lena in exchange to make away unscathed.

Once the utility ship is speeding forward Alex holds tight to the rail and yells out, "Bring us around! Broad reach, wind to starboard!"

Vas, always one for action, takes up a rolling tune. "Haul away you rolling king! Heave away, haul away!" she shouts, voice carrying across the deck. The crew immediately pick up her rhythm, hauling the braces on each downbeat.

At the same time, below in the bridge, Clark spins the wheel hard to port and the rudder begins to angle the ship.

Roaming Star shudders as the yards begin to turn to port, sweeping close-hauled. The sails are still flapping noisily as Clark brings them around anticlockwise. Right as the ship begins to reach, Alex yells, "Clark! Hold!" and he eases off on the wheel.

Then the sails billow out as the breeze hits them on their starboard side at just the right angle; the canvas bursting full and true as the ship begins to quarter the wind. The engines gear up loudly and Clark charges them forward.

All hope for Halifax is lost for the moment as the ship's nose now points southeast. They've angled down and away from Bloody Steed, taking the fastest point of sail away from the pirates.

Still watching at the port rail and bracing their full weight against it as they lean out as far as they can, Alex watches as Bloody Steed scrambles. Roaming Star is flying fast now. They are soaring away as fast as they can - like a hare shooting out from the underbrush at the sight of a fox.

Lex does not bother to call in his utility ship. Bloody Steed turns to port and follows Roaming Star's lead, leaving the smaller vessel rocking in their wake as they give chase.

Roaming Star has the element of surprise and the agility of only balancing two engines on their side. But Bloody Steed is fast and ruthless, and it's only a matter of moments before they are speeding towards Roaming Star. Roaming Star has the wind, but so does Bloody Steed, and they have a third engine on their side.

Lex's ship roars up behind them, gaining distance fast.

"Hold those lines!" Lucy shouts, for they aren't ready to tie them down just yet.

"Captain," Lena calls from a few feet away, "are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Don't let go," Alex replies, but moves towards her anyway, one hand holding tight to the rail and the other gripping Lena around the waist. It's the only warning Lena is given before Alex is shouting again. "Clark, swing us to port! Charge him!"

Not only does Clark below in the bridge know his Captain, know his crew, know his ship well. But the entire crew on deck know each other soundly and true. They know how Roaming Star flies and they know their Captain. They all hold on, unsurprised and faces determined, as Clark swings the wheel again.

Lena lets out a cry, clutching closer to Alex as Roaming Star's nose spins on a five-cent. They run before the wind for a moment; it sweeps in from downwind, directly behind them. And then the prow keeps turning and the wind is pushing hard on their port side, filling the sails to their maximum as they quarter the wind from the other direction.

By now, Roaming Star's nose faces Bloody Steed head on, and Clark has a clear line of sight on the enemy. He knows exactly what Alex is doing as he continues to lean hard on the wheel.

Some of the crew move about on Lucy's shouted commands, bringing the yards around so they fly close-hauled. They're sailing almost directly into the wind, but it doesn't matter now.

Bloody Steed isn't prepared for their prey to turn and show teeth. Roaming Star charges back towards Lex now, head on. It's all happened in the blink of an eye, and as Alex grabs Lena and runs across to the starboard bow, they can see Lex's crew begin to scramble.

J'onn does not wait for them to come fully into attack position, to pass Bloody Steed starboard to starboard.

As soon as Clark has them at a decent angle, before the rest of the Helmscrew even have Roaming Star evened out in their flight, J'onn lets the first cannons fly.


	14. The Atlantic Part 7 - Sundown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for autistic slurs, misgendering, panic attacks, and major character death.
> 
> Thanks to [Lurkz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurkz/) for helping with weapons accuracy, to [SpankMyAstonMartin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpankMyAstonMartin/) for putting up with my endless "what if" medical questions, and to [DisplacedWarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisplacedWarrior/) who helped with the panic attack and then said "oh no what have I done."

Lex was expecting an easy surrender from Alex. He wasn't expecting Roaming Star to bolt right as his men were preparing to board their ship. And it's clear he wasn't prepared for them to turn on the fly and charge back at him, cannons booming as they surge across the sky.

He was too focused on catching Alex to have his own ship properly prepared for battle. Too focused on snagging his prize to see Alex's plan.

Three of Roaming Star's cannons fire in rapid succession, striking true against Bloody Steed's starboard hull. Alex recognizes the sounds of the Grumblers and the Brain Smasher; right now J'onn is focused on blasting into their hull and taking them by surprise with as much solid iron as he can.

Alex knows J'onn will have all five of the wheeled-cannons lined up along the starboard gun ports - the Nose Breaker is anchored to only face out the transform - so as long as Clark keeps them circling to starboard, Lex won't be able to hit their unprotected side.

Lena too was unprepared for the sudden shift to an offensive attack, and she's unsteady on her feet as Roaming Star's deck rocks with the first wave of cannons firing.

"There's still time for you to get below," Alex yells over the roar of the cannons.

"No, I'm done hiding," she insists stubbornly. "I won't run from my brother anymore."

Alex shouts for Kara but doesn't leave Lena's side, trying to keep their promise to Kara to keep Lena safe.

One of the Pixie Twins gets in a solid shot, blasting into the enemy's gunwale before exploding into a small crater, sending splinters and chunks of wood flying.

And then Bloody Steed fires their first shots. Roaming Star's deck bucks with the impact and as Alex braces and keeps hold of Lena they think of Maggie, down below, and how by putting her below deck Alex can't see her, can't trust themself to keep her safe.

For now, Alex has to trust J'onn.

One of Bloody Steed's cannons misfires and the other two strike with less severity than Roaming Star's shots; Clark's five-cent turn has won them the advantage this round. By the time Lex had his men fire the two ships were already passing each other. Of the two, one shot goes wide and the other skims the starboard stern. Alex's ship takes damage, but nothing serious.

But the element of surprise is gone now. Now they battle with the beast head-on.

The ships soar past each other. Clark arcs them around, turning to starboard, and the enemy does the same. As their noses begin to cross paths again Alex grips the rail and digs their boots into the deck, bracing for the next round of fire from both sides.

The crew scrambles about on deck, tying and loosening lines as best they can; they can't be adjusting the sails during the battle. The most they can do is leave the sails neutral and trust Clark to keep them moving.

Over the blast of the next cannon fire Lena shouts something to Alex, pointing over the bow.

It's Lex's utility ship, which is currently trying to sneak up on their unguarded port side. Alex lurches across the foredeck again, with Lena following right behind. They drop to their knees and draw their revolver, using the gunwale as cover.

After years of experience sailing and shooting while on deck Alex knows how to correct for the wind and the rocking motion of the ship, but they still have to pause for a moment, breathing steadily and tracking the flight of the small ship, waiting for it to come into a range they know they can reliably hit.

Alex doesn't have time to be shocked when Lena pulls her own pistol from her skirts - the utility ship sails into range and Alex doesn't hesitate, all of their focus narrowing to leading the target as best they can with the wind. "Aim for the cockpit glass," they instruct as they fire.

Alex cocks and fires in rapid succession; their first three shots hit their mark but don't shatter the glass. Lena can't compensate for the ship's conditions the way Alex can and none of her shots come close to hitting the ship.

Roaming Star lurches with cannon impact on the starboard side and both Alex and Lena pause, bracing themselves against the lip of the gunwale as the ship rocks unsteadily for a beat. "You carry that on you all the time?" Alex asks breathlessly.

"Of course, Captain." She frowns. "Though I don't seem to be of much assistance at the moment."

Lena stays in her crouch this time as Alex kneels up, wisely choosing to conserve her bullets for a target she can properly hit. Alex fires again until all six chambers are empty; part of the cockpit glass has shattered by this point, but the two pirates inside have begun firing back in retaliation and Alex ducks back down for cover.

Kara comes skidding across the foredeck, dropping down to her knees next to Lena. She's red-faced and panting but takes Alex's empty revolver and shoves a fully-loaded one into their grasp instead. Alex wastes no time in easing back up to fire at the utility ship while Kara drops the cylinder and reloads the chambers of their first weapon.

Kara refuses to shoot a gun herself, but she understands their importance in times like these.

It takes two more shots to shatter the glass completely, giving Alex a clear sight at the two pirates inside the cockpit. The ship is too far off for Alex to do more than aim at their centres of mass, but it's still only a matter of moments before one of the pirates is tipping back and falling over the side of the ship while the other slumps over the controls and the small ship begins to spiral downwards towards the dark waters below.

Alex has time to exchange revolvers with Kara once more, allowing their sister to reload the empty chambers of the second revolver, but then a deep boom explodes from across the sky. Alex throws themself over Lena, shoving her roughly to the deck and covering her as the buckshot explodes overhead. It rips through the jibs and foresails and then rains down over the front part of the ship.

Alex's tenure in the sky has brought them plenty of knowledge; they know the sounds of Roaming Star's various cannons and types of shot intimately, but they also know the sounds of enemy fire and how to react accordingly.

If Kara were closer Alex would have tried to cover her too, but for the moment she seems unharmed, crouching at Lena's other side and trying to collect the bullets that dropped and scattered around her in her haste to take cover.

With Roaming Star's unprotected side clear for now Alex doesn't waste any more time at the port rail. "Come on," Alex urges Kara and Lena as they make their way down to the main deck.

Despite the floorboards constantly rocking beneath them as Roaming Star fires and takes hits in turn, the crew are scattered across the deck, firing pistols, arrows, and hand cannons alike. They work as a team to defend the ship as best they can.

Lucy and Alex share a half-glance of acknowledgement from across the way, but Lucy doesn't turn from where she has one of the Crotch Rockets braced on her hip, firing repeatedly at Bloody Steed's deck. Vasquez is right behind her, quickly reloading the small hand cannon in between fires.

James is a few feet up the mainmast, balancing precariously on the lowest yard as he shoots both with a pistol with his good hand and with the firing mechanism inside his mech one.

There is a thunderous boom as both of Roaming Star's demi-cannons fire at the same time and shatter into the enemy's starboard bow, ripping a gaping hole into the metal and wood alike.

There is a half-second where Alex feels confident this could go their way.

And then Lex lets loose the fire arrows.

Kara yells a warning and the crew all hit the deck as they are showered from above. The arrows rip and catch on sails and lines and wood alike, creating pockets of flames that will only grow with time. Lucy shouts for someone to start to fetch water from below to work on putting out the worst of the fires while they still can.

Alex loses track of Kara for a moment as they duck down, crouching at the starboard gunwale. Lena now holds the spare revolver and the spare bullets and nods for Alex to do what they can before she starts shooting at the pirates on board Bloody Steed's deck when the ship sails within range.

They raise up on their knees, keeping as much of their body safe behind the lip of the ship as they can while still being able to aim at the enemy. Bloody Steed passes starboard-to-starboard with Roaming Star at a dangerously close range - not close enough to jump ship, but enough that Alex is confident they could make a few chest-shots if they aim carefully.

As Alex fires their second shot there's a startled cry to their right. They turn and then the instinct to protect their crewmates takes over. Alex shoves the other revolver into Lena's arms and then abandons her for the moment, focused on M'gann as she tries to beat out the fire catching on her skirt while balancing one of the smoking hand cannons on her hip.

Alex makes it halfway to M'gann.

Then there is a mighty boom from one of Bloody Steed's cannons.

It feels to Alex like a wave rushes over them, time slowing down and sound dropping in register. They can almost feel the heat from the coming explosion rushing over their face.

In slow motion James leaps from the mainmast, landing badly but rolling away.

Winn stands on the deck a foot from Alex, frozen with terror as if he knows what's coming.

Alex heaves their body forward and shoves Winn out of the way with all their strength as the enemy cannon shot explodes into the mainmast, creating a shower of fire, smoke, and splinters that rains down on the deck. The hulking beam shatters at the impact, breaking right at the cross of the mast and the topsail yard - the second lowest crossbeam.

The broken upper part of the mast pitches to one side and at the same time the fractured yard slips downward. Both beams tangle in the surrounding sails and lines, but their weight wins out. The mast - with it's still connected upper sails - falls and crashes in slow motion, lying width wise across the deck.

The lighter crossbeam drops straight down towards the base of the broken mast, yanking and snapping ropes in its wake.

Its descent is slow, but not slow enough.

Alex feels the breath leave their lungs completely as the yard pins them down.

Everything goes black and silent as they land on their stomach and the side of their head cracks against the deck.

Their ribs feel compressed in a way Alex has never experienced before.

There is a buzzing that turns into an overwhelming roaring in their ears. And then it goes silent.

Alex's mouth opens as they try to suck in a breath, their tongue thick and dry in their mouth.

Everything is blurry. Colours wash and blend together as Alex tries to focus.

Sounds. All of the sounds of the battle become muffled as if Alex is under water.

Above all, there is one thing. Alex knows only one thing.

Excruciating pain.

Time moves but Alex cannot.

They do not know how long they lie there, feeling their body being forcibly moulded and pressed into the deck.

Feeling their lungs ache with the need to breathe.

Feeling their ribs scream in agony.

Alex's fingernails scratch weakly at the deck but it feels like that is all they can move.

Their head swims, dizzy and overwhelmed with pain.

White spots dance before Alex.

Everything is blurry and muffled.

Alex can't breathe.

Winn's hands touch Alex's face, slip under Alex's arms.

M'gann is there, Alex can see the ties of her boots.

Alex isn't sure how the rope-tangled and heavy yard is lifted. Everything is slow and muted and from far away, but it hardly matters. Winn's strong arms drag them clear of the dead weight.

The only reason they are alive, the only reason the yard didn't crush Alex completely, is because the tangled lines and sails slowed the beam's fall.

But, oh.

It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to move.

It hurts to think.

Winn helps Alex sit and lean against the base of the broken mast, giving the pair of them cover for a moment.

Alex's mouth is open but they aren't sure if they are breathing or not.

Winn's shoulder is bloody.

It hurts to breathe.

Alex's ears still ring but the sounds of doom and destruction begin to return.

Alex can smell smoke.

Winn's tinker goggles are gone.

Something inside Alex wants desperately to sleep. To succumb to darkness and nothing else.

Alex is so tired.

Tired and dizzy and exhausted. Their entire body aches.

It would be so nice to sleep.

Alex knows the agony would fade if only they could sleep.

But.

Now is not the time for that.

The crew comes first.

Alex looks to Winn, who is on his knees before Alex and hovering close. His face is pale and concerned.

"Report," Alex grits out weakly.

It hurts to breathe.

"Alex," he says and his voice wavers brokenly.

Alex stares him down. It feels like they float in the ocean, like their body rocks back and forth with the waves. Alex isn't sure if it's the ship or Alex themself that is swaying. But they sway and try to stare him down.

"Your eyes aren't focused," Winn finally says.

That is expected and hardly matters right now. And Alex would say so, but everything hurts.

"Winn," Alex gasps out. "Report."

"Alex," he starts, but his resolve weakens. He searches Alex's face, and must find some strength, must find something familiar in his Captain, because he does as asked. He looks regretful. "The mainmast was hit part way up. The fallen half is covering a hole in the deck, so that's, that's lucky, at least. The mainsails are useless. The mizzen and fore are ripped but still flying." He pauses, letting Alex digest this, letting Alex ignore that Winn is blurry and unfocused to their eyes.

There is a moment where it feels like suddenly Winn is far away, oceans away, and then he snaps back so close and so fast that Alex has to close their eyes against the bile rising.

Their stomach flutters and clenches and their ribs scream in protest at the action. Their head aches. But Alex sucks in a breath and forces their eyes open.

Winn waits, giving Alex a moment, before adding, "Starboard turbine's been hit."

"What?" Alex gasps out weakly. Their back stings and their eyes smart. It feels like the crossbeam is still pinning them down. The white spots in their vision have gone black.

They don't remember the turbine being hit. They would have felt that. They would have heard that.

(How much time did they lose, trapped under the yard?)

Winn nods gravely. "There's nothing I can do, not right now. It's smoking and, Alex, it doesn't look good. We're still flying but, but I don't know for how long. I haven't heard from the bridge."

"Lex?"

Winn glances away, over Alex's shoulder towards the pirates. Alex doesn't try to follow his gaze; it hurts just to think of turning their head. "He'll, uh, he's going to board on his next pass." Winn's voice is low and serious. There's no question to this. Lex is coming for them.

"Next pass," Winn repeats after Alex doesn't respond. "They have their ropes and tethering hooks out. He'll lock us to their hull as soon as he comes around."

"Port?"

"Yeah," Winn says weakly.

Roaming Star is drifting right now; they aren't circling back for another round of attack. Lex is stalking around them, preparing to dock on their undamaged side. Their unprotected side.

"Cannons?" Single words are easier than full sentences.

Winn understands. "We aren't firing anymore, no. One... one of their shots hit the stern. It hit the gundeck." He pauses, but then forces out, "We haven't fired since then."

Maggie.

"And?"

"One of the Guncrew came up; he said they were hit pretty bad. It's not good, but they're all alive."

Alex breathes out and it hurts but they let the relief wash over. "Okay."

Alive is good.

The beast is almost upon them, but alive is good.

Alex shifts their weight and everything spins for a long, drawn-out moment. It feels like their head is heavy on their neck, too much to support. Winn's hands steady Alex, but he doesn't try to fight them when it becomes apparent that Alex is trying to stand. Instead, he helps, supporting their weight until Alex makes it to their feet. Supporting their weight even after Alex makes it to their feet.

The deck looks bad.

Worse than bad.

Winn's arms stay steady on Alex's waist as they stagger and take everything in.

The sails of the mainmast, the ones that haven't been dragged all the way down, hang in flaming tatters. The canvas snaps in the breeze, loud and sharp above them. There is a crater near the starboard stern; splintered wood is thrown up in all directions and is scattered in the surrounding radius. The broken half mast lays partially across the opening.

There are bullet holes, grapeshot pocks, and arrows in the deck - all scattered in random patterns of destruction. The deck isn't on fire, but there are scorch marks everywhere.

Soot billows up from the starboard side of the hull. Alex has no idea of the damage to the body of the ship, but the smoke confirms what Winn has said; one of their turbines is badly broken.

It's the one they've only just replaced, too.

The sounds the turbine is making as it struggles to keep them flying are not sounds Alex can ignore.

They are sounds that say Roaming Star will not be in the air much longer if Winn and James can't look at it soon.

Alex's eyes sweep the deck, cataloguing all of the crew they can see, counting and hoping.

A few are crouched here and there, bloody and sooty and breathless, waiting for Bloody Steed to circle back as the battle is paused momentarily. They look to Alex for guidance.

Some are injured. Badly.

Alex's hazy vision tracks every single person. They force themself to focus, to fight past the ringing in their ears and the black around the edges of their vision. Alex watches each crewmember one at a time, not moving on to the next until they are reassured, until they know.

No one lies still.

Some lay on the deck, injured and bleeding, but no one is still.

Alex breathes out.

It hurts to breathe.

Winn supports Alex as they take a few steps.

Bloody Steed is arcing around them to come up along their port side.

"Is this it?" Winn asks quietly, low enough so no one else can hear. "We're laying down?"

Alex shakes their head and the black spots come roaring back.

Lex may be boarding, Alex may not be able to stand on their own, but Alex is still too stubborn to give in. This isn't over yet.

Winn taps his fingers against Alex's waist, bringing their focus back to the deck. "Al," he nods towards the companionway.

The Guncrew are coming up from below.

Part of Alex registers each and every person stepping and staggering onto the deck. J'onn stands at the top of the stairs, helping them all above deck. He looks worn and exhausted but grateful all of his crew are alive.

But Alex only has eyes for Maggie.

Maggie makes her way across the deck swiftly, her face stern and tense at first but lighting when she makes eye contact with Alex, and then growing concerned as she gets closer and takes in Alex's state. How they lean heavily into Winn's arms, how their eyes blink repeatedly, struggling to focus.

"Alex?" She comes close but stops short, unsure and worried. Her eyes track up and down, trying to find visible injuries.

Maggie has a cut above her eyebrow; she's wiped the blood away and it's smeared across part of her forehead. Half of her shirt is covered in soot, and there's a spray of blood over her shoulder. Her hands are cracked and burnt and bloody as she reaches forward and takes one of Alex's hands in both of her own.

Alex looks down and realizes their own hands are scraped and bloody. They don't remember this.

"Alex," Maggie repeats.

"Are you okay?"

Maggie gives a helpless laugh, a gasp, as her eyes tear and she says, "I'm fine. Alex, are you?"

Alex gives a weak nod. "Good." They glance at Winn. "So's this one."

Maggie makes a face, eyes flickering between the two of them as she waits for an explanation.

"They pushed me out of the way," Winn says, gesturing to the fallen mast.

Maggie lets out a wet gasp and one hand flies up to cover her mouth.

Alex feels so dizzy. "No one drops a mast on my brother."

Winn grips them tighter in thanks, and in so much more than just thanks.

Maggie's face crumbles as she says, "Oh, Alex." She shakes her head like she is unsurprised, but there are tears in her eyes and Alex is sure Maggie is remembering her father's injury, how her father almost died from being hit and trapped beneath a fallen mast.

Winn stays close but tries his best to shift away while still supporting Alex. Maggie eases herself into Alex's space, eyes shining as she cups Alex's cheek tenderly. "Honestly, are you okay?" she whispers.

"I'm fine," Alex says with more strength than they feel inside. "I'm glad you're okay."

Maggie brushes her lips against Alex but then pulls away when she feels Alex's wincing reaction. She frowns but she understands.

Slowly, carefully, Alex runs a hand up their side and over their ribs. Touching doesn't hurt.

Alex's chest is in incredible pain but brushing their fingers over their ribs don't cause additional pain. Pressure does, Alex notes as they hiss in response. Pressing on them hurts. There are coloured starbursts in their eyes and they have to clamp down their teeth, but Alex needs to know, so they press a few more times in different places.

Alex's hands are shaking when they pull back. The shaking runs from their fingertips all the way up their arms.

They catch Maggie's eyes, see the sympathetic pain and fear reflected there, and feel their own eyes smart with tears.

Winn eases back a step, his hands still hovering close as Alex stands on their own. Alex takes a few deep breaths, registering the pain it causes and forcing their fuzzy brain to analyse it. Breathing hurts but does not ache. Deep breaths ache. But not as much as pressure.

(Maggie looks like she's about to cry, watching Alex inspect their injuries like this.)

Their breathing does not sound wet. They press a hand against the centre of their chest, feeling as they breathe. Their breathing does not sound wet, and it does not feel wet, which is a good thing.

Alex's ribs are cracked but nothing is punctured as far as Alex can tell. And their head still aches and the muscles in their back spasm, but there is nothing Alex can do about those right now but grin and bear it.

Alex sways on their feet again and Winn steps close once more, bracing their weight against himself. Maggie hovers but looks afraid to touch Alex, afraid she'll cause them more pain.

They take her hand. That doesn't hurt.

Bloody Steed eases up towards their port side now, cat-like, cocky and casual. Bloody Steed has taken a beating, it's clear, but Lex is confident that he's won. He's confident that he's knocked Alex around enough to force a surrender.

Lex's ship is bigger and stronger but Alex is ruthless and determined.

It doesn't matter that Alex can hardly stand. They are not prone on the deck, not yet, so Alex will not give in.

Lucy approaches Alex and there's a nervousness in her steps that Alex doesn't like. Her eyes are wide, studying Alex, and Alex can see the questions flicker across her face.

Lucy saw Alex fall, that much is clear. There was a moment where Lucy thought she'd lost Alex. And that moment is still a ghost reflected on her face.

She is in this with Alex until the bitter end, so she asks the only thing that truly matters.

"Can you still stand?" Her voice is so soft.

A chill runs through Alex.

They know what that means. Lucy has never had to ask this before, but Alex knows exactly what Lucy means.

Can Alex still lead? Is Alex still sound?

Lucy is responsible if Alex cannot lead. And Alex can see in her face that it is not something Lucy wants, not like this, never like this. But she knows she has to ask.

(Lucy's job will always be to question and challenge Alex.)

(Lucy's place will always be as Alex's second.)

"For now," Alex sighs out. They keep their eyes locked on Lucy's as they say lowly, softly, "I might... I might need you later, though." It's pointless to avoid the obvious. Alex is stubborn and will keep fighting, but they're not sure how long their body will be able to keep up. It's hard to admit this, but this is Lucy, and Lucy knows.

Her face breaks but Lucy nods. She knows her duty. "Okay," she says wetly. She shakes her head at herself and hardens her mask. "Okay." She glances up at the sky for a long moment and Alex can see her gathering her courage and pushing down her tears.

She nods again at Alex. She lets out a shaky breath and takes Alex's hand, gripping it, squeezing it. She looks Alex in the eyes. They don't need words. They are both alive, they are both okay, for right now. And so for right now, together, they need to lead the crew.

"Okay," Lucy says once more. And then she's gone; moving between crewmembers to comfort them and calm them in the face of what's to come.

Lucy will make a great Captain one day.

One day. Once they get through this one.

James and J'onn stand nearby. J'onn looks battered but mostly unharmed. His eyes are focused acutely on the approaching ship, detailing everything he can about the enemy. He only saw the battle from below, through the gun ports. Now he sees the damage he's done to Bloody Steed, and the damage Bloody Steed has returned.

James leans heavily on J'onn's arm, snapping off an arrow that protrudes from his leg. His face is hard, harder than Alex is used to seeing.

Kara cautiously moves forward, cradling her arm against her chest. The ends of her hair have blood on them and Alex registers a wound on the inside of her shoulder. She doesn't speak, she just creeps towards Alex until Alex is close enough to sink against Kara's other side. Winn and Maggie both draw back a step - just one - to let the siblings have a moment together.

They both hiss out in pain. But they hug for a moment longer.

"You okay?"

Kara gives a half shrug. "You?"

"Been better."

"I thought you...When I saw..."

"I'm fine, Kara. I'll be... I'll be fine."

(Probably.)

"Alex," she whimpers.

"I'm here, Kara. I'm still here."

Alex's entire spine feels like it's been crushed to a fine powder but they rub Kara's back for a moment, letting Kara decide when she's grounded enough to pull away, waiting for Kara to decide how long she needs the contact, to reassure herself that Alex is still alive.

So much flows between them in the quiet moments of Bloody Steed's approach. Alex borrows Kara's light, needing her strength and courage in the face of what's to come. In return, Kara borrows Alex's resolve, for Kara must not let on where the plans are hidden, no matter what happens.

"Lena?" Alex asks when they pull back.

Kara smiles, moving back and to the side. Alex leans back between Maggie and Winn as Lena approaches the group. Winn steadies Alex from one side, and Maggie curls and holds them up from the other.

"Captain."

"Lena."

"You did your best."

Alex smirks and then grimaces but says, "I'm not done yet."

"Don't be stupid, Alex." Her voice isn't cruel, only defeated.

Winn snorts. "That's not easy for Alex."

Alex doesn't have the energy to argue his point.

"We aren't done yet, Lena," Alex insists, though their voice is weaker than Alex would like it to be.

"What more is there to do?"

"We're sailors, Lena. We don't give in until our ship's been taken from us and we are left for dead in the water. And then? We swim."

"We swim," Winn and Kara repeat quietly.

Lena seems unsure of what to do with this but she looks into Alex's eyes and sees Alex's determination, sees Alex's stubborn will and refusal to give in. And Lena nods.

Bloody Steed crawls along Roaming Star's hull, metal scraping metal as their noses become parallel. A cry goes up on the enemy ship and the men begin dropping lines, smashing picks and hooks into the hull, over the lip of the gunwale, and some right into the deck, anchoring their prey to them. Like teeth, they bite into Roaming Star's side, ensuring the wounded ship cannot escape.

Silently and as one, Alex and the crew stand tall.

Lex is the first to step on board Roaming Star. His persona and swagger exudes a confidence only a self-crowned King could carry. He is dressed simply; trousers and a white shirt and black leather vest.

(A sharp contrast to Maxwell Lord, who was overconfident but needed flashy clothes to gather and hold people's attention.)

Lex is not a King who needs a crown and jewels to command a crowd.

He carries a revolver in a holster on his hip; not drawn, he has confidence in the men at his back and in the surrender of Alex's crew. The only bit of brass on him is an earring and a few rings. He looks like any other sailor.

Except Lex has the eyes of a snake.

"Now, now," he says as he steps onto the deck. "There's no need for weapons." He gestures around the deck, indicating Roaming Star's crew, who have all manner of weapons targeted at him.

Alex is still for a long minute, making Lex wait, before giving a slight jerk of their chin. Alex's head spins with the motion.

The crew lower their weapons.

Alex doesn't miss the way Lex's sharp eyes and calculating smirk land on them after the signal to the crew, identifying Alex as the one in charge.

Bloody Steed's crew follow Lex on deck, fanning out behind him and facing off with Alex's crew. Their bodies, their eyes, are hard, as they stand at their Captain's command, ready to overpower Alex's crew and force a surrender on Lex's word.

But Lex is charismatic. Lex wants a show.

"Lena," he says with a false warmness to his voice.

Lena's eyes are like ice. As is her voice. "Lex."

His eyes peruse over Lena, critically taking in the way she stands before him, watching him with disdain. Lex looks amused by her anger, like this whole afternoon of cat and mouse has been nothing but a game to him.

And then his eyes find Alex again.

"Captain Alex," he says with what, to Alex, feels like a condescending bow. His voice is full and boasting, carrying across the deck. "I've heard so many things about you. I'm surprised we've never crossed paths before."

Alex doesn't answer. They simply watch Lex, study him, assessing everything they can before things go south.

(And ignore the pounding in their head and the ache in their back.)

"You put up a decent fight, Captain," he goes on, "for a ship your size." His voice is smooth but feels mocking. "I must say, I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd have the, well," he pauses for a moment, eyes patronizing as he gazes at Alex's chest, between Alex's legs, before he chooses his words, " _audacity_ to fight back so valiantly."

"Audacity," Alex repeats.

He smiles down at Alex, though they are nearly a match for height. "Well, there are ladies present." His eyes roam up and down Alex's body again and Alex feels a cold rush through them.

With his critique finished, and with one last cat-like smile for Alex, Lex turns. "And you, dear sister. I've been hunting for you for months."

"It showed." Lena's voice is low and clipped.

"You know," he muses casually, "I never really thought you could do it, you know? Make something so deadly."

"It isn't a weapon, Lex."

"Now, now, you don't need to lie to me, little sister," he says and takes a half step towards her. Lena steps back in response and Lex's eyes light up. He is excited to know he intimidates her. "I'm family. You were raised the same as I was. Mother's legacy lives on in both of us."

Without even a glance back at his men, Lex waves casually to them. "Disarm them."

His crew's weapons come up immediately and they all possess hungry looks on their faces as they begin to edge closer.

"Don't try, Captain," Lex warns Alex. "Your ship is dying, your crew are injured and my men outnumber you. Have your men-" he stops and gives Alex a shark's grin, "and _women_ hand over their weapons and we can see about keeping this civilized."

It is not an easy thing to do, to signal for the crew to put down their weapons, to allow themselves to be searched - to be manhandled - by Bloody Steed's crew. To have their persons groped and all of their weapons confiscated. But Alex concedes to Lex's threat.

Alex may be determined and calculating and a risk taker, but Alex also knows when the enemy has the upper hand. Right now isn't the time to test Lex.

Once their weapons have been taken away Lex instructs his men, "Take control of the bridge. And search the ship. She has the plans with her. They are here somewhere." His men disperse. A few stay in a loose circle around Alex's crew, weapons at the ready; the majority immediately begin to search the already abused ship.

Alex hopes for everyone's sake that Kara hid the plans well.

"It took you long enough," Lena spits out, "to realize I had them with me."

Lex gives her a mocking bow. "I admit, I didn't give you enough credit. I thought for sure you'd stashed them somewhere on land."

Alex and Lucy make eye contact across the deck. Alex blinks twice and Lucy begins edging her way around the clustered group.

Lucy winks and Alex forces their eyes forward again.

"You've tried to kill me multiple times. If you'd succeeded, you would never have found them. They would have gone down with the other ships you drowned."

"You're a clever one, Lena, I always forget." His voice softens slightly, like their childhood is a fond memory for him.

For Lena, that is clearly not the case. "You've always been blinded by your own greed, Lex."

He opens his mouth to speak but then his eyes roll skyward and he sighs heavily. "I can see you, Miss Lane."

Lucy freezes. Her face betrays controlled fury at Lex. She's made her way halfway around the deck; a few more feet and she would have been behind him and out of his line of vision.

It wouldn't surprise Alex at all if Lex's men had missed one of Lucy's hidden knives.

(They missed one of Alex's.)

"Don't test me, general's daughter," Lex's voice takes on a new bite. "Daddy isn't here to protect you."

Lucy scoffs. "I've never needed his protection."

Lex turns and considers her. "No, I suppose not. You seem to be doing quite well for a Lady so far from court. Have you spoken to your dear mother lately?"

Lucy stands with her hands on her hips as she faces Lex head on. "I know the things you're family has done, Lex. The things they don't publish in the newsprints."

"Oh, you do, do you?"

"I do."

Lex shakes his head pityingly at her. "Is that supposed to scare me, Miss Lane? My crew already know of my accomplishments-"

"Your crimes," Lena corrects, her voice dark and low.

"Technicalities," he shrugs off. "But does your crew, Miss Lane?" He glances at Alex. "Captain? Does your crew know it's pointless to try and stop me? I've evaded the law for a long time, Captain. This little stunt of yours is hardly enough to bring me down. Now then."

Quicker than Alex can comprehend, Lex is moving across the deck and yanking Lena into his grasp, her back flush against his front and a knife pointed under her chin. "You know what it is I want."

Kara stands next to Alex, and Alex can feel the way Kara's body seizes up, tensing and aching at seeing Lena held hostage.

Lena's eyes are wide but she keeps her face neutral and her voice even as she says to her brother, "You're going to kill me anyway, is this strictly necessary?"

"You're right. No sense in me denying that." He tightens the grip of his arm across her chest, securing her to him; Alex can see the muscles in his arm straining. "We both know I'm going to kill you. So either we can get this over with and you can give up your life's work, or I will torture you and _then_ you'll give up your life's work." He looks to Lucy and snarls, "Miss Lane here can tell everyone some of the ways I've tortured people. Isn't that right, Miss Lane?"

Lucy fumes.

Alex's hand has hardly moved an inch, and Lex is looking at Lucy, but he still barks out, "If you draw that knife, Captain," he nods to one of the pirates, "Miss Lane will have her arm blown off." He looks at Alex now. "And my hand might slip," He presses the knife more firmly against Lena's neck and Lena arches in his grasp, trying to pull away from the blade. "I'm sure you don't want that." His voice grows louder as he commands, "Take her knife."

Alex twitches and Lex reads it, tilting his head. He waits to comment until one of his men gropes Alex a second time. Alex keeps their face hard and blank, refusing to display how uncomfortable they feel having the man's hands on them. He takes Alex's knife but his hands linger and touch further and Alex sees red even after the man has stepped away.

Kara and Maggie are strong and reassuring on either side of Alex, offering subtle but appreciated strength.

"That's right," Lex drawls. "Roaming Star's Captain Alex. Not just a woman who sails, but a woman who thinks she's one of the men of the sky, isn't that right?"

"Get off my ship." Alex isn't shaking; Alex is too filled with seething fury and an angry calm. Their voice is a low threat.

Lex ignores Alex's words and presses the knife at Lena's throat hard enough to draw blood. "Where are the plans for the weapon, Lena?" he asks her.

"It isn't a weapon," Lena gasps out.

Lex presses harder.

"I don't know," Lena insists.

Kara's body yearns to go to her; Alex can feel Kara's anguish, her struggling resolve. Kara holds herself firm but it's clear she aches for Lena and it is exactly what Alex was afraid of.

"Kara," Alex whispers.

But, of course, Lex hears.

Lena makes a noise of pain and tries to lean away. She gasps out when Lex chases her throat with the knife.

"I don't know where they are."

"I believe you."

Lex drops the knife and in the next instant, Lena is crumpled on the deck before him. He lifts one boot and places it on her shoulder, pressing her down against the wood. "Don't get up," he growls, standing over her.

"And you," Lex says as he locks eyes with Kara. Alex sucks in a shaky breath but then grows taller, trying to block Lex from reaching Kara. "I bet I could guess who you are."

"I'm not afraid of you," Kara says.

"No, no, I imagine you don't think you are." His eyes roam over the deck for a moment before landing on Alex. Lex turns his head a fraction of an inch, a challenging look on his face.

Alex hardens their face in response.

And then the knife in Lex's hand is sailing through the air. Kara yelps as it soars past her head, slicing open her ear. Her hand flies to the side of her face as she hisses in pain.

Alex shouts, "Kara!"

Lena screams her name too and Lex shifts the boot not on Lena's shoulder to press down on Lena's hand. She cries out as he grinds her fingers into the deck.

Alex pulls Kara into their side, half angling her body behind them.

"The sister. The Navigator."

There's something like a low rumble that sweeps over the deck. As one Roaming Star's crew all seem to tense, all seem to edge forward, picking up on the taunt in Lex's voice. The ship is a place without hate, yes, but the protection for Kara is always fierce, is something stronger.

Alex tries to hold her back, but Kara slips out of her sibling's grasp, determined to face Lex herself.

Alex does not like where this is going. "Leave her alone."

Lex gives Alex a predatory look. "Just because we've never had the pleasure of meeting doesn't mean I don't know of your crew, Captain. I know much of your sister, the brilliant Navigator," he pauses and Alex waits and holds their breath because they know exactly what he's going to say.

Lex doesn't disappoint. "The idiot savant. The retarded little girl who didn't want to be left behind."

Alex bristles and feels fire erupt inside them.

Alex can't see him but they feel J'onn's presence loom behind them. He doesn't touch Alex, not right now, not when Alex is this angry, but Alex can sense him, soothing and urging Alex to keep their head. To not let themself be baited by Lex.

All Alex wants to do is lunge across the deck and strangle Lex with their bare hands.

Kara still cradles her injured arm to her chest, and the other hand is pressing against her ear trying to slow the bleeding. But she stands tall and determined before Lex. Her eyes are focused on Lex, but her entire being is focused on Lena, on finding a way to help Lena.

Alex plants their boots into the deck, biting back every urge to attack Lex for hurting their sister. Lex can say and do what he wants to Alex, but not to Kara.

But if Alex attacks Lex, they'll all die.

(The crew come first.)

Lex lifts his boot from Lena's hand but still presses down on her shoulder, keeping her prone beneath him. "Did I touch a nerve?" he asks Alex. "That's what she is, there's nothing to be defensive about. I'm sure she knows the skies and the stars better than my own Navigator. She just happens to be a little broken," he glances at Kara, "doesn't she?"

"You don't get to talk to her like that."

"Ah, but you see, Captain, I do. I'm the one with the power here." Lena gives another grunt of pain under the pressure of his boot. "So if I want to call her damaged, if I want to call her crazed and demented and a rejected child of the fey, then I can, because I hold the power."

Lena whimpers as Lex's boot moves to press down on her neck.

"There's no need for that," J'onn warns. "You've made your point."

Lex grinds down hard once more, making Lena cry out in pain, before removing his boot altogether and stepping back. Lena stays low on the deck for a long moment, eyes fierce as she stares up at her brother. Then she carefully climbs to her feet. Kara, bloody and in pain, goes to her and helps her up, drawing her back and out of Lex's reach.

Lex focuses on J'onn and smiles - this one is genuine, not predatory. "A sound mind on this queer ship?" He turns to his own crew, "See, men. It's the women that cause trouble and let their emotions control them."

"You've had your fun, Lex," J'onn says with more strength than Alex feels.

Lex draws his revolver. "Oh, no. The fun is just getting started."

Alex feels rather than sees Kara shrink and shy away at the sight of the gun. Maggie, too, jerks back, instinctual and unsure of what he's going to do.

Alex does not flinch; they refused to give Lex the satisfaction of knowing he intimidates them.

He takes a step forward. "If you wouldn't mind. Captain. Lena, dear." He gestures with the revolver to the upper deck.

Lena looks at her brother for long seconds, her face unreadable. But eventually she untangles herself from Kara's hold and steps towards the upper deck, chin held high.

"Alex," Maggie whispers and she lets her fingers brush Alex's.

"It'll be okay," Alex promises. They look into Maggie's worried eyes, memorizing her face before turning away.

Alex shares a long and serious look first with J'onn and then Lucy. If Alex can't be on the main deck with the crew, then what happens is in their hands. The two nod, understanding the trust and responsibility being shared.

And then Alex walks with shaky steps to the upper deck. Two of Lex's men follow, the rest act on Lex's instructions to move Roaming Star's crew towards the bow. Many of his men are still below, searching the belly of the ship for Lena's belongings and hoping to find what Kara's hidden.

Alex's body still hurts, and spots still float here and there across their vision, but they push down the pain. Right now there are more important things than Alex's physical state. They need to figure out a way to end this, to stop Lex and to save the crew.

They expect Lex to lead them into the navigation room. Kara's space is also the ship's office, and it would be where a formal meeting would be held between two Captains or with a Guild official.

But Lex is neither formal nor official. He trusts his men to do their due diligence in searching the ship. His focus is on Lena and Alex and exerting his power over them.

Waving the revolver casually, he gestures for Alex and Lena to stand by the rail while his men stand close by, their pistols drawn but not aimed directly at Alex and Lena.

Not yet.

Lex paces the upper deck. "Now then. You can tell me what I want to hear and I might consider letting the crew live while I burn this ship out of the sky. It's always a waste when I have to kill women, and you do have so many women on deck, _Captain_."

Alex refuses to flinch. Alex refuses to give Lex any more power.

"You don't need to do this," Alex insists instead, keeping their voice calm.

Alex does not feel calm. Alex feels a lot of things - things like constant agony, growing fear, and seething anger - but none of them calm.

Lex continues to pace the deck. Behind him, the navigation room and Alex's cabin are on one side and the open space that lets the crew access the utility boat is on the other.

Lex ignores Alex's words. "You were always such a pain in my side growing up, Lena. I tried to help you, to support you, but you never wanted it."

"I used to idolize you. Until I saw the monster you'd become. Until I saw the monster our mother groomed you to be."

He points the revolver directly at Lena's heart.

Alex isn't sure what to do.

"I don't know where they are," Lena insists.

"Then tell me who's hidden them."

Alex's entire body freezes in fear but Lena stays firm, her face a hard mask.

Lena is stronger than Alex ever realized.

They can get through this. Alex just needs more time.

"Ah, so you do know who's hidden them." His glance flickers briefly to Alex before landing back on Lena. "Tell me who."

"No."

"Lena, I'm growing tired of this game. Tell me, or I _will_ shoot you."

Lena's voice is confident as she says, "I'm not afraid of you, Lex."

"Do you know how many ships I've taken down, Lena? How many lives I've taken?"

"I'm your sister."

"You are in my way. It didn't need to come to this; if you'd left the files on land, if you'd let me find them, then we wouldn't be in this situation. But now you and the Captain are standing in my way."

And suddenly, Alex knows.

Lena doesn't know where the plans are.

But Alex does.

It is staring them right in the face.

They school their features.

Kara is brilliant.

Alex needs to keep Lex from seeing it.

Alex needs to find a way to get them out of this mess.

"You have one chance, Lena. I will spill your blood if I have to."

"I won't tell you. Lex, please, you don't need to-"

Lex says, "Enough of this."

The revolver goes off.

Lena crumples.

Alex gasps but one of Lex's men shoves a gun hard into Alex's temple and they don't dare move.

Lena lets out a wet sound as she holds her side, looking up at Lex from where she's on her knees on the deck. "I refuse to give you the satisfaction of terrorizing the sky any longer," she spits out.

Alex can hear the pain in her voice.

Lex can too and he feeds off it. "Then I suppose," he drawls, "I'll have to find satisfaction elsewhere."

Stepping forward, Lex reaches for her. Lena tries to dodge out of the way of his hands but he catches her easily. Grabbing Lena by the hair Lex drags her across the deck.

Blood smears across the wood.

It makes Alex grind their teeth because they are helpless. Alex can't think of what to do to help, to stop this.

He drags her to the centre of the deck and Alex's entire being tenses because Lex is so close. He's standing so close to where the plans are hidden. The gun presses harder, sharper, into Alex's temple, warning Alex not to interfere.

Alex can't move.

"Lex," Lena begs. Lex smiles down at her. He lets go of her hair and she sags weakly against the deck, clutching her side.

Blood seeps through her fingers.

"Lex, please, stop this," Lena tries.

"I'm sorry, sister."

"It doesn't have to be like this."

He purses his lips as he considers this. "It does, though." He looks Alex straight in the eyes. "I'm trying to make a point."

And then Lena screams as Lex kicks her, boot impacting with the bullet wound.

The gun presses tightly against Alex's temple and Alex can't move. Tears sting their eyes but they are rooted to the spot.

All they can do is watch.

Lena's side is bleeding and she's crying out and Lex continues to kick where he's already shot her; three, four, five more times before he changes his mind and sends his boot into her temple.

Lena collapses onto her back.

She doesn't move any further.

There is a prideful smile on Lex's face.

The tears track down Alex's cheeks and their breath stutters in their chest.

Alex has failed their job as Captain. Alex has failed to protect Lena, to protect the crew, from this monster.

Their bravado, their bravery, starts to slip away as they stare down at the blood smeared across the deck, as they stare down at Lena's body.

She's not moving.

Alex feels cold, feels gooseflesh rise on their skin because Lena's stopped moving.

"Now then," Lex says and Alex lets out a sob at how chipper his voice is. "Captain."

Alex drags their eyes away from Lena's still form and looks at Lex.

"There are two ways this day will play out for you." There is no taunting, no game in his voice now. He has Alex's attention, has their fear, and he knows this. He speaks plainly. "The first is you cooperate, and I will light this ship ablaze and leave you and your crew to die swiftly.

"The second is you do not cooperate, and I will let you listen as I personally kill each and every member of this crew until you tell me what I want to know." Lex smiles and Alex absolutely hates him, they hate this monster before them. "I will not be quick about it. And," he adds, eyes manic, "I might let my men play with some of your women first."

"I don't know where the plans are," Alex lies weakly.

"The funny thing is, Captain, that it's not even about the plans anymore. Now? Now it's about taking you down. You've killed my men, you've damaged two of my ships, and you've taunted and baited me. So now? Now I want to see you bleed." He gives a tired wave. "I'll get the plans for Lena's weapon one way or another, I'm not worried. I will build my sister's weapon and then I will own the sky in a way no man ever has before. But first."

A wolf's grin. "I'm going to enjoy the satisfaction of breaking you."

Their voice is weak and wet but Alex forces out, "I'm tougher than you think."

"I don't doubt that, Captain. But you are also a woman, and that means I can take whatever I want from you, and you will be powerless to stop me. That is the way it has always been, and that is the way it will always be. The sky is no place for a woman, and I think it's time you stop pretending. Now then, I've given you two options. Take your pick."

Alex's eyes flick to Lena's unmoving body.

There is so much blood on the deck.

"Be wise, Captain. You shouldn't let your emotions rule you, though I can understand why that might be difficult for you, being female and inferior. But being a Captain is about making the decisions you don't want to make."

Alex's eyes flick, just for an instant, to the space beyond Lena's body, behind Lex, to the back wall of the ship. To the transform, where the utility boat hangs over the stern.

(No one ever checks the ass of the ship.)

(Kara is brilliant.)

Alex looks back towards Lena, who gave up so much to keep a few sheets of paper from reaching her tyrant, her monster of a brother's hands.

Alex thinks of Kara and Lucy and J'onn and Winn.

Alex thinks of Maggie.

There are tears in their eyes and for once, Alex doesn't know what to do. Alex has reached a wall, an impossible decision they cannot make.

There is blackness creeping into the edge of their vision.

It suffocates them, chokes them.

It hurts to breathe.

They don't know what to do.

The crew.

Or the mission.

Choose to let their own crew be tortured.

Or the hundreds that will die, the thousands that will suffer, if Lex is able to create a weapon to give him complete control, to give him an absolute monopoly over the sky.

A steam-powered weapon that will let him take down any skyship with a single shot.

Alex looks at Lex, tears spilling down their cheeks and a sob stuck in their throat.

The voices of their friends, their family, echo inside Alex's mind.

Kara would insist that whatever choice Alex makes would be the right one.

M'gann would tell Alex never to give up, never to give in.

J'onn would say that in times like these there is no right choice.

Vas would remind Alex that the crew will stand behind their decision no matter what.

James would say to trust their heart.

Clark would say that the harder the decision is to make, the clearer the outcome that is truly desired.

Winn would tell Alex their mind is already made up.

Lucy would laugh and insist there's no one she'd rather fight beside.

Maggie would say she's with Alex until the end.

Ride on or die trying.

Alex looks at Lex and stands as tall as they can. They force their face to be strong and their voice to be steady. "Your reign as King of the sky is over," Alex grits out.

He smirks, like he was hoping that was what Alex would pick.

He steps forward and his fist flies and connects solidly with Alex's jaw. Their head snaps back and they stagger and stumble backwards. Their back erupts in fresh agony. He moves again, impacting Alex hard in the gut and Alex drops onto their back. Black explodes behind their eyes and there's a long moment where they can't breathe.

"Tie her up," Lex instructs. He moves closer, towering over Alex. "Enjoy listening to your family die, _lady Captain_. I'll make sure it's a good show. I think I'll start with your sister."

He descends down to the main deck.

Alex hardly moves. Their ribs are on fire and they stare up at the sky and clouds that are shifting and blurring together while black dances across their vision. Someone grabs Alex by their hands and drags them across the deck. Alex is then rudely jerked backwards and forced to sit against the stern rail, arms tied above their head.

The wooden wall is stiff and hard against their back. The ropes are tight, looped through the top rail and already Alex's arms ache. Alex is left there, alone, facing the stern, looking out at the back of the ship and beyond.

Looking at where Kara has hidden the plans in the one place Lex and his men may never look.

Looking at where Lena's body lies bloody and beaten on the deck before them. Forgotten.

She's so still.

Alex looks away because it's easier than looking at how still Lena's form is.

Everything hurts and everything aches and Alex's body does not want to cooperate. They try to kick their feet out, to arch their aching back and tilt their head enough to see over the wall. But the deck is slick with Lena's blood and Alex's back spasms with pain and they collapse back, tears stinging their eyes.

The ship will go down and Alex and the crew will go down with it. Lex will continue to terrorize the skies, but he will not get his hands on a weapon that would give him absolute power. A weapon that could bring down any skyship with a single pull of the trigger.

He will still be a monster in the sky, but others will fight back, others will have a chance.

Down below on the main deck three warning shots from a pistol are fired off in rapid succession and again Alex tries helplessly to pull their bound hands free, to turn and contort so they can see what is happening.

A silence follows.

The only thing Alex can do is take inventory of the state of the ship.

Roaming Star is still attached to Bloody Steed, though Lex will need to separate soon or risk being dragged down. The broken starboard turbine is on fire, still spitting out thick and heavy plumes of soot.

Alex thinks the plumes might be getting thicker.

Alex can hear arguing below but can't see what is going on.

One of the sails on the mizzenmast has been cut loose; the huge tarp flaps noisily in the wind above Alex, making loud, snapping sounds.

Alex's ribs ache.

Someone shouts and then there is a hush on the main deck.

There is a banging and grinding sound from below. The engine doing it's best to force the damaged turbine to keep working. The deck shudders as gears lock together and the pressure begins to build.

Lena's body lies in a pool of her own blood.

The plans are still safe.

There is a pounding in Alex's head and their vision begins to grow unfocused.

Tied up and forgotten, breathing starts to become harder.

The sounds of the dying ship begin to echo inside Alex's head. The panic starts to creep up.

There is a grunt of bodies colliding together. The sound of metal scraping along metal.

Shouting. Suddenly everyone seems to be shouting.

Alex turns their head, rests their cheek against their arm and squeezes their eyes shut to force away the tears. They can't see what's happening.

Alex's breathing starts to come faster. So much faster.

Their heart pounds.

A pistol goes off once. Twice.

There's a noise of pain, a shout, and Alex knows Lucy's been shot. They've worked side by side with Lucy for so long now, Alex knows what Lucy sounds like when she's in pain.

Alex can't see but they know Lucy's been hit.

Kara's screams rise high above the cacophony of sounds.

Alex struggles, they pull and yank and twist and try to see but they can't see what's happening, Alex can't see and it's killing them.

More shouting.

Kara's voice pleading.

Lucy talking through her teeth as she fights through the pain.

There is smoke billowing in the air. Alex can feel the way the ship is beginning to veer a few degrees to starboard, Bloody Steed losing the ability to support the deadweight.

Alex's breathing comes faster and faster still.

The broken turbine is on fire, spitting out thick and heavy soot.

If the fire hits the engine room they will all die.

This is all too familiar. Alex has been here before; left for dead aboard a burning, doomed ship.

The panic rises sharply, clawing up their throat so fast that Alex gasps and chokes as their lungs constrict and-

-alex can't breathe alex can't save anyone alex can't even see anyone alex has been left alone to die here and there is nothing alex can-

Lena.

Lena is moving.

(Lena is moving?)

Alex's breath stutters to a gasping stop as they watch Lena slowly and with great effort roll onto her side. She gives a weak moan.

There is so much blood.

Alex doesn't understand.

Lena's face is pale but she grinds her teeth together and eases herself to her hands and knees.

"Lena?" It is a breath of a sound.

She looks so weak.

But she looks so determined.

Alex can't breathe but Lena looks fierce and something like hope flutters in Alex's constricting chest. Their breath keeps gasping but Lena is alive.

Slowly - and Lena takes a long moment simply to breathe, to press a hand to her bleeding side and blink her eyes repeatedly as she comes back to herself - Lena pulls a knife from the folds of her ruined dress.

Alex feels stretched out and everywhere all at once. They are at the stern, watching and guarding the plans. They are down on the main deck, striving to keep their family alive. They are on the upper deck with Lena as she places the knife between her teeth and begins to tiredly crawl towards Alex.

Lena is alive.

Her dress is in shambles, ripped and torn and dirty and stained with blood.

There is so much blood.

But Lena is alive.

She has the knife between her teeth and she crawls towards Alex. She focuses only on crossing the few feet between them. To Alex, it feels like there is an ocean of space between them. Her movements are so slow and pained.

Alex stares Lena down and Lena stares right back. They've been forgotten for a moment. If they stay quiet they can get out of this, they can get everyone out of this. Their eyes are locked together, willing each other not to make a sound.

Lena crawls forward slowly, one foot, two feet, and then she freezes, eyes wide.

Alex's chest seizes because no no no they are so close they are _so close_.

Lena breaks eye contact, glancing somewhere past Alex, down the steps to the main deck.

Alex can't see.

Alex needs to see.

Alex aches to be able to see.

Lena gapes, eyes watering and face crumbling. The knife falls from her teeth and clatters to the deck. And then.

And then.

A deep chill seeps into Alex, gooseflesh rapidly rising up their arms as an inhuman screech rips from Kara's throat. There's shouting, there's so much shouting, but Kara is wailing, is screaming Lucy's name.

And Alex knows.

Alex can't see but they know. They know.

Lucy's gone overboard.

Panic erupts inside Alex so hot and so fast their vision goes black.

-lucy's been shot and pushed over the side of the hull and alex can't think can't move can't react can't anything the sounds of pandemonium erupt on the main deck but alex can't see or hear anything because lucy's gone over lucy's gone over the side of the ship lucy's gone overboard and alex-

-alex can't breathe something is wrong in their chest either their heart or their lungs or something isn't working all alex can see is the black taking over all alex knows is black engulfing them all alex hears is kara's sounds of anguish reverberating inside their head all alex feels is-

-alex feels like a burning inferno and a frozen wasteland all at once everything hurts with an ache alex has never felt there is just blinding pain because lucy's gone over lucy is gone gone gone lucy is gone it hurts to breathe it hurts to think it hurts to _be_ because alex can't move alex is trapped inside the black while lucy-

Lucy's gone over.

-alex feels like they're falling like they've dropped out of their own body alex is falling from the sky as the dark dark dark ocean rises up to meet them it is too close the ground is coming so fast and so close because lucy is falling and alex is falling as the ship is burning around them as the smoke and the fire climbs higher and higher alex is falling and lucy-

-lucy's gone over and alex knows exactly what it feels like they've lived it they're reliving it now the rising seizing terrifying blinding panic of falling to your death when all you can do is scream there's nothing to do but scream scream scream you can only scream as you watch the end rushing up towards you when-

Something hard collides with the side of Alex's face.

There's black around the edges of Alex's vision but Lena's face swims before them. She's close enough that Alex can feel her ragged breath against their cheek. She isn't in focus. She's cloudy and blurry but it's Lena.

Alex realises that Lena's just slapped them.

Lena is speaking to Alex, yelling at them, voice hard and pleading, but everything sounds muffled and from far away. She looks desperate, tears mixing with blood and dirt as they track down her cheeks. Her hands are on Alex's shoulders, and dimly Alex realises Lena is shoving them, hard, trying to get them to move.

Alex is no longer bound.

Lucy's gone.

-there's a net there's a net that stretches under the hull but one engine is on fire and the ship is leaning to one side and lucy was shot at least once maybe twice lucy was shot and alex doesn't know what it means but alex knows it means it isn't likely lucy caught the net it isn't likely lucy caught a dangling line-

Safety drills.

Safety drills can't prepare you for _this_.

-alex was once shot and fell overboard but someone was able to come after them but there's no one to go after lucy because lucy is falling and any longer and it will be too late the fall from the sky feels like ages but it hardly lasts a minute before the ocean swallows you before the darkness takes you the fall is only a minute lucy is falling there's no way to rescue lucy there is nothing alex can do because-

Lena slaps them again and Alex comes back to themself.

Alex can't save her.

Lucy.

"Alex, please," Lena is sobbing and roughly shaking Alex by the shoulders. Her fingers dig into Alex's skin.

The tears are running freely down Alex's face.

"Alex, you need to move. We need to move."

Alex whimpers. "Lucy."

"Alex, _please_."

Lena roughly places her hands on either side of Alex's face, forcing Alex to make eye contact. Lena is crying freely, her face broken and filled with anguish, but she bites her lip and takes a breath and speaks with determination. "Alex, you need to move. I know, I know it hurts but you need to move. You... you're the Captain, Alex. You need to do this. You need to help me save them."

Below, Winn lets out a scream of pain.

Alex can't breathe but Lena can. Lena is breathing and staring at Alex and Alex tries to borrow some of Lena's strength. They nod their head, jerky and quick and sucking in a breath because Lena is right. Alex is the Captain. Alex has to do this. Alex needs to do this.

Alex needs to focus and push all of the pain down because Alex needs to save the crew. Alex cannot save Lucy but they can save the rest of their family.

They have to.

(Lucy.)


	15. The Atlantic Part 8 - Midnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continued warning for death and misgendering.

Alex's head swims and their back aches. They crouch at the top of the stairs that lead down to the main deck. Kneeling next to them is Lena, who has one hand braced against the wooden wall of the rail and the other pressing against the wound in her side.

They look out at the deck below and Alex maps where each crewmember and pirate stands while their mind desperately tries to come up with a plan.

Lex stands on the port side of the centre deck, near the base of the broken mainmast. On his knees in front of Lex is Winn; his breathing is laboured and his face is washed with pain. Lex has his revolver pressed against Winn's temple while Winn cradles his left hand - bloody and mangled - close to his chest.

A few steps away are James and Kara. James' mech arm is gone but he still stands in front of Kara. Alex isn't sure if he's protecting Kara from Lex, or holding her back from doing something rash.

The bloodstain on the top of Kara's shoulder has grown; the wound in her ear is still bleeding.

The majority of Roaming Star's crew and most of Lex's men are on the foredeck. Alex's people are spread out between the bowsprit and the foremast, all at the front of the ship, with Lex's men forming a loose line between them and the rest of the deck - keeping them from interfering with Lex's torture.

Maggie stands towards the front of the group. One of Lex's men has a tight hold on her arm but it looks like Maggie is desperately trying to go to Winn's aid.

J'onn, M'gann, and Vas are further away, along the starboard rail and near the fallen mast. Only one of Lex's men stands near them, guarding them. The three of them would be the easiest for Alex and Lena to reach if they can use the fallen mast as cover and creep around the side of the ship.

The port side deck between the mainmast and the stairs up to where Alex and Lena are hiding is empty of people and most obstacles. Meaning if they tried going right for Lex, they'd be in plain sight.

Excluding Lena and Alex themself, there are nineteen of Alex's crew on the foredeck - Clark and his three Helmscrew are still below in the bridge.

(And Lucy is gone.)

Lex and his men on deck number ten in total; some of his people are still below, searching for Lena's plans. And there are still men aboard Bloody Steed keeping it aloft as the burning Roaming Star begins to drag it down.

Though Alex's people on deck outnumber Lex's two-to-one, all of their weapons have been confiscated and all of Lex's men are armed.

Alex pulls back, shifting so they lean against the rail once more and are out of sight. Lena follows. Despite her wound, her eyes seem focused, determined. Her mind seems clear - unlike Alex's foggy one.

They are likely suffering from a concussion from cracking their head against the deck when the yard fell on them.

Among other injuries.

"You have a plan, Captain?" Lena asks, her face hopeful.

Alex gives a slow nod - they have part of a plan. First, "We need weapons. And we need to arm at least part of the crew."

Lena starts to argue. "My brother has taken your weapons." Alex smirks and Lena amends, "Ah. He's taken the weapons your crew had on their persons, not the ones you had hidden."

Nodding towards their private quarters, Alex says, "I have another revolver and a few knives in there. And there are a few things stashed in the navigation room."

"And then?"

"I'm still working on that part," Alex says honestly.

The pair makes their way to Alex's quarters cautiously, careful not to let anyone on the main deck see or hear them. They slip into the passageway that connects Alex's cabin with Kara's navigation room, and when Alex opens the hatch to their room there is a flurry of motion.

The cat springs at Alex, hissing and spitting as it digs its claws and teeth into Alex's thigh. Wincing and trying to shake the feline off Alex pulls Lena into the room with them and shuts the door. The last thing they need is the cat's yowls alerting Lex and his men to what the two of them are up to.

Biting back the accompanying wave of pain Alex crouches down and attempts to drag the cat off their leg. "Hey, let go, it's me. It’s me, you dumb beast."

His claws dig into their thigh harder, but eventually, Alex is able to pull him off. He hisses and swats a few times for good measure but when Alex lets go he seems to understand that it is someone he recognizes in the room with him, not one of Lex's men, and he relents.

He then turns tail and scampers a few feet away. He leaps onto the bed and settles in a low crouch, staring at Alex while his tail twitches in irritation.

Alex stands just inside the room, with Lena at their side, and stares at the cat.

Suddenly, Alex is left with overwhelming guilt and empathy for the small creature glaring at them. The cat tolerates the crew - some more than others - but the cat is bonded to _Lucy_.

What will happen when the cat realizes Lucy is gone?

When - how - will the cat even understand that Lucy is gone?

He's just a cat, and a mostly wild one at that. But he trusted Lucy and now she's gone.

The emotional wave of pain crashes into Alex without warning - the reality and heavy truth of the situation. Lucy is _gone_. Lucy is gone and all that remains of her is the dumb cat that Alex doesn't even _like._

They stagger backwards and their exhausted body sags against the door. How are they supposed to go on without Lucy? Lucy, who's been by Alex's side for three years now. Who's stood by and supported Alex, who's been their best friend and their right hand.

Lena seems to understand that this is emotional pain and not related to a physical injury. She stays where she is and lets Alex have a moment to wade through what they are feeling.

But it is only a moment. Soon, with a sympathetic frown, Lena is whispering, "Alex, we need to move."

They blink at her, feeling broken and empty inside without Lucy.

But Lena is right.

Alex has the rest of the crew to protect.

Their grief, their pain, has to come later.

There are too many people Alex needs to save first. They push themself off the door and stand, swaying slightly as they shove everything down as best they can - shove down the empty feeling as well as the pain from their injuries.

The room is in disarray. Alex's desk is tipped on its side and its contents dumped onto the floor. The wardrobe has been opened and clothing tossed about. The bed is shoved against the bulkhead and the sheets are upturned.

Lex's men have torn the room apart looking for Lena's plans.

At first glance, it doesn't seem like anything has been taken. Lex's men were instructed to search for the rolls of paper and then move on. The few things of value Alex has in their room are still present.

Alex has Lena sit on the bed and then grabs the medical bag - they don't have time to stitch her wound properly, not right now, but Alex knows they need to stop the bleeding. Lena is still alert right now but she's pale and her skin is cool where Alex touches. She's already lost blood - the more she loses, the more danger she's in.

They pour one of the bottles of antiseptic over their hands and then quickly begin cutting away Lena's dress. The wound is in her abdomen and it's still bleeding despite the pressure she's been applying.

"Might have hit your spleen."

"Lovely," Lena sighs. "Alex, you don't need to-"

"If I don't do something you could bleed to death."

"But the crew-"

This is true. The longer they take here the more time Lex has to torture Alex's family. The longer they take here the larger the possibility that Lex could kill someone else.

"I can't do this alone," Alex says as they quickly begin to clean, pack, and wrap the wound. And it's true. Alex cannot do this without Lena. If Lena loses enough blood her body will begin to shut down as it tries to save itself. If she loses enough blood she won't make it to the next sunrise.

And Alex cannot do this alone. The black pain of trauma and memories and _Lucy_ is right there, pushed down just enough for Alex to focus on what they're doing. Lena is the only one keeping Alex from slipping back into blind panic. Lena is the only one keeping the blackness from taking over again.

Without Lena, Alex can't save their family. They need her. They can't... Alex can't lose her too, not right now.

Lena is the only lifeline Alex has right now, so they refuse to let her die at the hands of her brother.

The moment Lena's wound is dealt with - and Alex will need to stitch and re-dress it properly, later, once all of this is over - they move away from the bed.

They don't bother to wash Lena's blood from their hands.

While Alex begins pulling out their spare revolver and knives - and slip across the passageway to retrieve what weapons they can find from the navigation room - Lena disrobes. She discards her corset dress, which is stained with blood and in tatters, and pulls on some of the clothes strewn across the floor.

When Alex returns Lena wears a pair of Alex's leather pants and their pale, billowy peasant top. The one Alex only wears to Guildhall meetings but that Kara wears when she needs to hide away and her corsets are uncomfortable. Alex has never seen Lena in anything but dresses and if Alex weren't numb inside they'd tell her that she looks good.

But right now, all Alex can focus on is trying to move forward and save their family.

Alex holsters the spare revolver and keeps two of the knives. The second revolver and the remaining knives that Alex found in the navigation room go to Lena. By now, Alex has a plan.

Lena is vital.

When they are back at the few steps that lead down to the main deck Alex takes in the scene before them.

Most of their crew and Lex's men have not moved - the majority of Alex's people are still corralled towards the nose of the ship, on the opposite end of the deck from Alex and Lena.

Maggie's forearm is now bleeding and she's still held in one of Lex's men's grasp.

Kara is crying into James' chest and one of Lex's men has a pistol aimed at them.

Lex has Winn pressed up against the broken mainmast. His mangled hand is bleeding onto the deck and now his nose is bleeding too.

Lex has his knife out. Alex can't see what he's doing, it's too far away, but if Winn's reactions are any indication, it hurts.

"What's the plan?" Lena says, her voice pitched low so it won't carry across the deck.

"Your brother want's a show, yes?"

Lena nods.

"He wants everyone's attention as he tortures my crew. Even his own men are paying more attention to him than to guarding our people. We're going to use that."

"How?"

"You're going to arm some of them."

"And what are you going to do?"

Alex sighs tiredly; it isn’t ideal but it is all they have right now. "I'm going to be the distraction."

"Alex-"

"Both you and I are the prize here, Lena. He wants both of us dead. The only difference is, he knows I'm still alive. He left you passed out and bleeding out on the deck. If he sees you, he'll know you've freed me and we won't be able to sneak up on him. If he sees me, you might still have a chance."

Alex watches Lena's face. Her features are hard. Alex can see Lena doesn't like this idea but she doesn't disagree. Lena understands the danger they're both in and doesn't question Alex's logic. She may not like it but she doesn't argue.

They have to trust each other, for that’s all they have right now.

"Your best chance," Alex goes on, "is to sneak along the starboard rail. Use the fallen mast and sails as cover."

"Alex, my brother's men are all over the deck. They'll see me."

Alex shakes their head and takes a slow breath, pushing away the pain that flares up. "No, look." Carefully, they point at the deck, guiding Lena's eyes. Most of his men are standing towards the port side of the foredeck, closer to Lex. They all have their backs to the people they guard. They think Alex's queer and weaponless crew are helpless.

"If you're careful - if Lex puts on a show when he sees me - you should be able to reach Vas and M'gann. Maybe J'onn too, if you're lucky. Get the knives to M'gann and Vas and the revolver to J'onn if you can."

"Alex, even if I can, that would still only lead to four of you armed compared to Lex's ten."

"Trust me, Lena. Trust my crew. This isn't our first dance with pirates."

Alex knows that if just a few of their crew can get their hands on a weapon and they are able to follow Alex's lead that the tables could turn. It's risky but it's all Alex has to work with.

And Alex trusts their crew. Alex trusts their family. Lucy may have always known what Alex was thinking, may have been able to anticipate what Alex was going to do and communicate with Alex without words, but Alex has known these people a long time. They trust their crew to be able to think on their feet and do the best they can.

(Lucy is gone, but hope is not lost.)

M'gann learned her quick ways with a kitchen knife on land long before she found the sky. And once she did take to sailing she sought out intense weapons training. M'gann can hit a target dead-on from a considerable distance but she can just as easily cause pain at close range.

J'onn is not the Master Gunner for no reason. So long as Lena can get the revolver to him Alex won't need to worry. J'onn is a weapons expert and has been skysailing for almost two decades. Without question, Alex trusts J'onn to have their back.

And Vas? Vasquez was born on a ship. Vas grew up on a ship. Vas has sailed to places even Alex has never reached. Vasquez likely has more tricks up her sleeve than even Alex does.

Alex trusts these people - trusts the whole crew - with their life. Just as they all trust Alex with their own. Just as they trust Alex to get them out of this mess.

Being Captain is about making the tough choices. But right now, there is only one choice.

Do what they must to save the crew.

Lex is the only one with his back to the upper deck. Everyone else is facing towards Alex and Lena, though their attention is focused on Lex and the pain he's causing Winn. Alex knows that the two of them will only have one chance to get Lena to cover before they're spotted.

The fallen part of the mainmast lies across the starboard half of the middle deck. The beam covers a small crater in the deck made from the enemy cannon shot. Part of the topgallant, royal, and sky sails and yards lay across that section of the deck and partially hang over the side of the ship.

One of the crossbeams is caught on the stern deck rail just to Alex's left and part of the canvas hangs in smouldering tatters. It’s close enough to the stairs that if Lena is quick, she might be able to duck behind it and stay out of sight as she manoeuvres down the starboard rail.

It's difficult to see Vas and M'gann where they stand - most of the debris from the fallen mast blocks Alex's line of vision. But they're fairly certain Vas is looking at them. They are too far away to see her facial features, but Alex nods to Lena and then nods to the debris before looking back in Vas’ direction. Vas gives a slow nod.

Alex will need to keep Lex distracted, but Vas and M'gann can keep an eye on Lena as she works her way towards them and watch to make sure she isn't spotted.

Alex doesn't have a plan beyond that, there are too many variables to consider and Lex is extremely unpredictable. But it's all they have at this point.

"Come down the stairs right behind me," they instruct Lena. "Stay low, and get behind the fallen sails." Lena only needs to clear a few feet before she'll be behind the sails and out of sight.

"They'll see us."

"They'll see me," Alex insists. "We want them to see me."

Alex turns to look at Lena again, appraising her. Lena looks determined, but Alex can see the hesitation, the fear etched on her face. And the pain. Alex is asking a lot of Lena considering the state she is in, but they can't do this alone.

They share a look of understanding, knowing the control they both have over the situation is about to dissipate, and then Alex turns back to the deck.

Alex counts out twenty-seven agonizing seconds.

Winn screams out in pain again and that's when Alex moves.

Slowly, and with Lena a breath behind them, Alex slinks down the few steps to the main deck.

Everyone's focus is on Lex and Winn and the torture happening at the base of the mainmast.

Winn is screaming but he is not breaking. He is not begging with Lex to spare him and the others. He is taking the pain being delivered and likely hoping that by doing so he is saving the others, saving Kara. Hoping that maybe if he holds out long enough, Alex will save them.

Winn is in pain and Winn doesn't know where Lena's plans are hidden, but Winn is not showing weakness before Lex, not in Alex's eyes.

Alex's boots meet the deck soundlessly and they take two cautious steps forward. Their eyes sweep across the deck, watching the faces of Lex's men as they feel Lena slip away to cover.

They will not turn to see if she's made it to safety or not, they don't want to look away from the pirates for even a moment. They don't want to be caught looking after her, giving her location away.

With eyes forward, Alex takes a few slow steps towards Lex.

Kara spots Alex first. Her head moves and then her crying, shaking form stills slightly. She must murmur something to James because after a moment he slowly turns his head to look in Alex's direction. They both are careful to keep their bodies still directed towards Lex and Winn.

Alex steadies their breathing, blocks out all the pain they are feeling, and makes their way across the deck. Lex's crew are too captivated, all salivating watching the torture, to notice Alex.

When they are close enough to see Kara clearly, to read her facial expressions, Alex draws their revolver and winks at their sister.

Kara understands.

She turns back to Lex and starts pleading with him, begging him to let Winn go. She says something he likes because his attention wavers and the torture pauses. He looks at Kara and she intentionally lets her eyes flicker to Alex behind him before settling on Lex.

In that moment, all of Lex's men spot Alex only a few feet behind their Captain.

Lex turns around instantly. There is still a knife pressed against Winn's skin, holding him captive. But all of Lex's focus turns to Alex.

Over his shoulder, Kara winks back at Alex.

"You don't know when to quit, do you?" Lex asks.

Alex keeps the revolver levelled on Lex's chest, well aware that all of Lex's men now have their weapons pointed either at Alex or at the crew to keep them from trying to rush forward at the sight of their Captain.

Winn's face and his right arm and hand are marked with blood. His posture is tense as he's held against the base of the broken mast and he's breathing in shallow gasps. There is something wrong with his hand in a way that Alex's brain refuses to process.

His voice is wet and distorted with the blood and broken cartilage, but he grits out, "Alex, shoot him."

"No," Lex says, voice strong and sure as it carries across the deck for all of his audience to hear. "She knows better than that." His shark's eyes don't look away from Alex. "If she shoots me, she knows that she and all of you will die instantly. She's still looking for a bargain, a way out. Aren't you, Lady Captain?"

They do not want to do this. Everything inside Alex wants to end this now, to end it or die trying. They do not want to stand here and let his words dig deeper and deeper into them, cutting them in a way even his weapons cannot.

Lex is a pirate, a master manipulator of people, not just because of his intimidating presence, his love of torture, and the death and destruction that follows him. Lex's greatest weapon is his charisma. Lex can read people, he knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make it hurt the most. Lex is a people master. Lex can weave words of truth and pain together like an art form.

The longer Alex stands here the more his words are going to hurt, like barbs catching, dragging, and ripping along their skin. The longer Alex has to endure this, the weaker they are going to become as his words cut deeper and deeper, pushing the black pain to the surface once more.

But Lena needs time to make it across the deck.

Alex grinds their teeth together and stands as tall as they can. "You don't need to do this, Lex."

He laughs at Alex.

He laughs and Winn cries out as the knife presses deeper, his face awash with pain, and Alex is reminded that they need to be extremely careful now. They need to draw Lex forward, away from Winn.

If Alex says the wrong thing Lex will make Winn hurt. It will be the easiest way to manipulate Alex - every time they say something Lex doesn't like, Winn will suffer.

"Did I say something funny?" They keep their eyes on him, keep the revolver up and level as they aim it at him.

He doesn't look concerned.

"You really don't know when to stop, do you? This is it, Lady Captain, this is the end. Wasn't it enough to listen as I tortured your family? Fine." He laughs a deep throaty chuckle. "Watch then."

Alex takes a measured step to the left, easing further along the deck. "Let my people go."

"There is no letting your people go, Lady Captain." His eyes hold Alex's. "I've given you your two options. Either you tell me where the plans are and you all die swiftly. Or," Winn makes another noise of pain, a grunt that turns high and sharp at the end. His features are tight, his jaw set as he endures the pain, but he shakes his head at Alex.

Winn is strong, he is insisting that he can keep taking this. He trusts Alex to save them. He doesn't want Alex to give in.

"Or," Lex continues. "I kill your family slowly. And you watch. And I break you. And I will enjoy it."

The grin he wears makes Alex feel cold inside. The chill settling deep in their bones, in their lungs and in their muscles.

Alex believes him.

Lex's weapon is the truth. He spins and stretches it as he plays with his victims, but he speaks the truth. Lex is his own strongest believer in his words.

Alex closes their eyes for a moment and takes a slow, deep breath - it hurts, deep in their ribs, but they ignore it - and then focuses again on Lex. They pull up all their walls, they pull up the thickest mask they can, and they lie. "I don't know where the plans are. Only Lena did."

They keep their eyes on Lex. They do not look at Kara. They will not let him know Kara was the one who hid them, that Kara knows where they are as well.

Keeping the port rail at their back Alex takes a few more steps to the side, making a slow curve around Lex and Winn at the broken mast in the centre of the deck. They ease their way towards Kara and James; Lex keeps his eyes on Alex and it forces him to turn.

Alex keeps moving until they've positioned Lex the way they want him, facing the nose of the ship, facing Roaming Star's crew and his own men, away from where they last saw Lena.

For Lex, Alex is the prize, and they are going to use that as best they can to keep some semblance of control over the situation.

With Alex's words, Lex glances at Alex's hands - he seems unconcerned with the revolver they still have pointed at him, but he takes in the blood on Alex's hands.

They both know it's Lena's blood.

He smiles, wicked, teeth showing. He looks feral, hungry. "Only Lena did," he repeats. "Meaning you couldn't save her."

Alex lets the mask falter for a moment, lets the fear of failing the crew, the agony of losing Lucy, creep into their features. They give Lex a taste of what he wants. Alex feels cold and hard and empty inside but they give Lex the satisfaction he craves.

They don't look away from Lex, so they hear more than see Kara crumble, whimpering and sagging into James' hold.

Kara's reaction seems to convince Lex even further. He looks pleased with himself, looks proud of himself.

(It makes bile rise in Alex's throat, the joy Lex feels at murdering his own family.)

"That's two lives on your hands now, Lady Captain. How many more lives until I get what I want?"

He doesn't want the plans. He wants to see Alex crumble, wants to see Alex weak and breaking under his power.

(They've pulled the mask back up, but it cracks slightly at the reminder of Lucy.)

"You're going to die on this ship, Lex. I'm not going to let you keep terrorizing the sky."

Alex hears the waver in their voice. They are determined, they have to do this, they have to save everyone, there is no other way out of this, but they can hear the fear and uncertainty in their words. Lex is powerful.

And Alex is slipping, and they both know it.

"You're not going to shoot me. You would have already. And that's where I hold the power. That's where you've already lost, Lady Captain."

Alex wants nothing more than to pull the trigger, to end this. But too many of Lex's men are armed, weapons pointed at Alex's crew. If Alex shoots him now none of them will make it out of this mess alive.

For a moment, Alex lets their eyes sweep over the deck. They touch on Kara, a mix of sad and fierce in James' embrace. She looks like a wild, raging sea.

They see James, and how even without his mech arm and with a wound in his leg, he still stands tall and protective, steady and focused.

(They don't let themself look to the starboard rail, to J'onn with Vas and M'gann next to him. They don't let themself seek out Lena.)

Alex turns slightly, eyes cataloguing their crew and coming to rest on Maggie. Maggie looks calm. Grim and worried, but somehow calm and still. Like James, Maggie is keeping a level head in this. Maggie is analysing the situation, looking for something she can do. Her eyes soften as she looks at Alex, the corner of her lip curling slightly. Trusting.

But the strength Alex gathered looking at their friends falters when their eyes land on Winn, leaning against the splintered base of the mast. Pale, bleeding, breathing laboured and face twisted with pain.

He's so close to Lex. If Alex so much as shifts their weight in a way Lex doesn't like, he'll take it out on Winn.

Alex isn't sure what to do to draw Lex closer to themself.

"Do you know how many have tried to stop me, Lady Captain? How many have stood as you have, with their helpless crew at their backs, either begging me to spare them or swearing they'd end me? You're just the same as they were, just as weak.

"Only you're more special." He smiles like he's appraising Alex and is amused by what he's found. It feels patronizing; Alex thinks it's meant to feel patronizing. "You're the first woman to stand up to me like this. Even before I took to the sky women couldn't stand up to me. They'd let me take from them whatever I wanted. Weak and fragile, they'd weep before me, begging me to stop, but powerless to pull away."

Alex can't stop their shudder. But they grind their teeth harder and glare at him, holding the revolver steady.

"I think that's what you need, Lady Captain. A reminder that you're still a woman, that you are just as breakable as they were. That you're just as powerless under a man's hands."

It feels like all of the strength Alex has is going into staying on their feet, to staying firm, to not sway and bend under his words. Their mind is too foggy, his words cutting too deep, for Alex to think of a retort, a comeback, a way to brace themself against the blackness pressing against the base of their skull.

But then Winn falls.

It doesn't happen slowly. One minute he's sagging against the mast, the next he's crumpled on the deck. The thump is wet and slick and makes Alex flinch, their breath hissing as they gasp.

He's bloody but his wounds are small and many. It's not like Lena, where too much blood loss and she'd be close to death. Alex doesn't know all that Lex has done to torture Winn, doesn't know the extent of his injuries.

They don't know if he's faking it or if he's truly unconscious from the pain and blood loss.

But it's what Alex needs.

Lex glances back at Winn's prone form, his smile growing at what he sees and making Alex's insides twist sharply.

But then he turns back and he steps away from Winn, steps closer to Alex.

There's no one in immediate danger from Lex now, his attention is fully on Alex.

Something small and scared inside Alex wants to shrink away, to flinch and cower before this monster.

But there's something stronger, a grim determination, that keeps Alex standing tall. They know they can think their way out of this. It doesn't matter that Lex is physically stronger and a master of cutting words. Alex is smart, cunning, and resourceful. Alex can win this.

They have to.

"That's another one down," Lex taunts. His body is loose and relaxed; powerful, but cocky, like a tiger playing with its prey. He's ready to pounce, but he's also enjoying the game too much to end it just yet.

He glances back at Winn casually for a moment before locking eyes again with Alex. "He lasted longer than I thought he would; I'm impressed. Though, after I've had a little more fun with some more of your crew we'll need to wake him up and start the pain over again."

Alex works hard to keep their face from reacting, to keep Lex from seeing how his words are affecting them.

He continues on, words smooth as he toys with Alex, "What's interesting, Lady Captain, is that he volunteered. He stepped in front of some of your other crewmembers. Delaying the inevitable, but thinking he was protecting him. A small, meek little man - he was shaking and stammering as he stood up to me. But I'm still surprised that he did."

His words go from dripping and teasing to sharp and direct. "It's almost as if he was protecting someone."

He glances at Kara. Alex doesn't look away from him but they see him turn and look at their sister. A chill runs up Alex's spine at the predatory look Lex gets in his eyes.

He turns back to Alex. "Do you want to know who else was protecting your sister?"

Kara whimpers.

Alex bites down on their lip and locks down the pain.

"That shot was meant for her." He nods in Kara's direction. "I wanted to hear her scream; I wanted _you_ to hear her scream. I know how to hurt a family. Toying with your sister would have been an excellent way to start. But the general's daughter seemed to know what I was going to do and threw herself in the way."

Kara starts crying.

Lex's face changes as he reflects. "Now that's a girl who knows how to take pain. Hardly a scream from her. It's too bad she fell, I would have enjoyed breaking her, seeing how long she could last before she screamed, before she begged me for mercy."

His dark, dark eyes hold Alex's gaze as he almost whispers his next words. "She was your second, wasn't she? Answer me, Lady Captain."

Lucy was Alex's second until the bitter end.

"Yes." Their voice, weak and fearful, tells Lex everything he wants to hear.

"Mm," he muses to himself casually, "she was good. Quick on her feet. Sharp with her words, too. Pity. But there are still plenty of women here for me to play with while I crack you."

"I'm the one you want to hurt, Lex. Let them go."

"But you see, my dear woman." He knows exactly the effect his words are having on Alex. "Hurting them is how I'm going to hurt you. That's the beauty of my game. I find your weaknesses," he pauses, teasing, smirking, "and then I sink my teeth in."

Alex breaks eye contact for a beat, glancing up at the ship's damaged sails as they compose themself. They take a deep breath, pushing all the pain and fear down, before standing up to Lex once more. "You've killed your own sister, isn't that enough?"

Kara cries harder.

That was the wrong thing to say, Alex sees it immediately. Kara's reaction is too strong, too genuine. Kara breaks at Alex's words, James only just holding her up.

And Lex looks away from Alex.

He turns, discovering new, weaker, closer prey. Alex is trying to stand strong but Kara is already crumbling.

His wolf's grin grows as he appraises their sister.

They try to draw him back, away from Kara. "Leave my crew alone," Alex insists.

(Alex begs.)

"They aren't a part of this," Alex goes on, ignoring how their voice wavers. "Your fight was with me and Lena. Your fight is with _me_."

His hunger is focused on Kara now and Alex's fear soars.

-make him look away from kara look away from kara don't let him look at kara protect kara save kara alex can't lose kara too not after losing lucy-

Alex takes another deep, gasping breath and pushes the panic and the blackness down as far as they can.

At Alex's words, Lex glances back at them but his attention still seems to be focused on Kara and James, the two of Roaming Star's crew standing closest to him. He's stepped away from Winn but now Alex has lost their ground. He's found new family members to bleed to make Alex hurt.

"You're a coward, Lex."

That sets him fuming and his gaze focuses completely on Alex, eyes narrowing and mouth curling into a snarl.

"Your fight is with me, not them." Alex needs to keep him focused on themself. "I know you know plenty of ways to make me bleed without hurting them. They don't know where the plans are, there's nothing they can tell you," Alex insists.

"Oh, there's lots they can tell me." He toys with the knife in his hands, still slick with Winn's blood. "They can tell me how weak you are. Their blood, their screams, their pain? It will tell me exactly how weak you are."

He looks so proud, so cocky, so boasting of his power. It makes Alex feel sick.

"A Captain needs to be strong. And you, Lady Captain, are not being strong." He tisks condescendingly. "I can see you weakening, I can see your resolve crumbling, with just me threatening to hurt them. By the time I've made my way through your crew, you will have spilled all your secrets."

"I'll never tell you where they're hidden."

A wince. A breath. A swallow. Alex's entire body turns to ice. Their eyes feel damp.

The wind seems to rush loudly in Alex's ears. And it sounds like fear and regret blending together.

Lex's face changes with Alex's words, with Alex's mistake.

"Oh, that's interesting."

And then his revolver comes up and he fires.

He doesn't look away from Alex; Lex wears a mischievous grin now. He knows Alex is slipping, is losing the game he's playing with them. But his arm comes up and he fires instantaneously, like he doesn't care who he hits, he just wants to see Alex's reaction, wants to further their regret. He wants Alex to feel pain, to know they slipped up.

(Did he intend for Alex to say that? Was that a trap Lex laid? Or did Alex misstep all on their own?)

James gasps and crumples with Kara tumbling to the ground with him, shrieking and calling his name.

He lays on his back for a moment, breathing out through his teeth, a wound in both legs now.

Kara spits and hisses something foul at Lex, crouching protectively over James, putting herself in front of him. There are tears in her eyes and she looks angrier than Alex has ever seen her.

Every person Lex hurts to cause Alex pain also causes Kara pain. Lena, Lucy, Winn, James - they all hurt Kara as much as they hurt Alex.

Alex is frozen in regret. Now Lex knows Alex knows exactly where the plans are hidden. One slip; Lex's words caused Alex to slip and it's lead to another one of their crew going down.

And Kara is closest now. Kara is next.

All thoughts of Lucy, of Lena and Winn and James, of J'onn and Vas and M'gann fade and Alex moves on impulse. Their shame at their slip propels them forward, anger and fury at Lex surging up inside them like a wave of power and rage.

Alex collides with Lex, their instinct to protect Kara at the forefront of everything else. The revolver in Alex's hands goes off, and then the barrel of Lex's gun is coming down, grinding against Alex's fingers, trapping them between their own revolver and Lex's.

Alex drops the weapon. It skids across the deck.

The two scuffle, each landing blows. Impacting Lex's body is like impacting steel, like punching the hull of the ship. And each time his fists connects with Alex it's like a starburst of pain.

The two knives slip into Alex's hands.

And then are gone a breath later.

The tussle ends with Alex lying on their back, looking up at Lex as he towers over them like he did to Lena earlier. Alex's breath is coming in quick gasps and they can taste the tang of blood in their mouth.

"I've never met a woman as stubborn as you," he spits down at Alex. "You don't get it, do you? The angrier you make me the worse you make it for your crew. You aren't protecting them, Lady Captain. You're speeding them all to their death."

His eyes pull away and Alex snarls, "Don't you look at her! Don't look at any of them. You look at me, you _monster_."

And Lex laughs.

"Is that supposed to insult me? I'm a pirate, Lady Captain. My life is blending pain and pleasure. I've had men cowering on their knees call me worse than a monster. You can do better than that, can't you? Or are you too much of a woman to think of something worse, too weak and fragile and breakable to do more than cry as a man stands over you? You're a stubborn bitch, but you have no power here. You've never had any power. Your kind belongs beneath me, to service me. You can't stand up to me. The last words on your dying lips are going to be begging me for mercy, pleading with me, agreeing with me that women don't belong in the sky."

Staring up at Lex, at his hulking and powerful form, Alex dimly processes the few tears sliding down their cheeks. They're on their back, knees bent and legs splayed and it feels too much like submission, like giving in. They shift, trying to scramble backwards, rising up on their elbows.

His words and the pain they bring are beginning to become too much.

They don't see a way out of this.

This, this moment feels like too much, feels too powerless and helpless.

They look up at Lex as he towers over them, threatening to take everything from Alex, insisting that this is the end of Roaming Star and it's entire crew.

Alex glances to the side, weakly looking at Kara, at Maggie, at the rest of the crew.

And something inside them changes.

The blackness that crept up Alex's aching spine the moment Lex stepped on deck, that grew and expanded the longer he spoke the words he knows drag like barbs over Alex's skin, that roared over their head as Lucy fell, suffocating and blinding them, is still present.

It is a heavy weight that presses down on Alex's shoulders and makes their heart and lungs feel as if they are filled with stone inside their chest. It makes their limbs ache and their mind feel foggy and muted.

Alex pushes it all away.

Alex pushes away everything they are feeling. The physical pain from their aching ribs and head cracking against the deck. The emotional pain, the part of them that is still screaming inside, knowing Lucy is gone. The drowning, crushing weight that grows with each painful word Lex speaks. The feeling of fear and defeat, the hopelessness and despair washing over as the reality of the situation sets in.

Alex struggles to push it all away.

Alex has been pushing down what they are feeling for weeks now. It was a losing battle, trying to suppress and ignore their feelings for Maggie, to keep everyone at arm's length and not reveal what was hurting them. It was a struggle that Alex lost in the end.

But staring down Lex, seeing the pain washed over James' features, seeing the look of fear but continued trust in Maggie's eyes, seeing the tears of hope and strength in Kara's - in that moment, Alex realises the last few weeks have only been practice for this.

What Alex was doing before, the misguided belief that ignoring what they were feeling for Maggie in favour of giving Lucy and Maggie what Alex felt they deserved was the better thing to do, was the Captain-like thing to do; that wasn't doing what was right for the crew.

They weren't doing what was necessary to protect Maggie and Lucy's feelings. They were doing what was necessary to protect their own.

Alex was not putting their family first.

Alex was putting themself first. Alex was trying to spare themself the pain of what they thought would be Maggie's obvious and inevitable rejection. Even now, with years of the sky under their belt and the freedom to express themself, Alex was still hiding behind a mask.

All of that was practice for this - a final sky battle against the Pirate King of Europe.

Alex lets everything - the pain, the blackness - wash over them. They embrace it. They stand aside as it blinds and suffocates them, as the panic and blackness takes over.

And then Alex breathes.

They push it all down. Alex's personal struggle, the warring and agony going on inside them - in this moment it doesn't matter.

Alex is the Captain.

Lex's torturous words do not matter. The pain they bring, the pain he knows they bring, the pain he is purposely trying to inflict - it means nothing.

On some level, Lex represents all that Alex has struggled to fight against. The society Alex grew up in, where everyone tried to keep Alex grounded, where they told Alex not to fly, not to fight, not to be themself. Lex is another piece Alex must overcome to find assurance within themself, to lose the mask and live their life by their own design.

But in the here and now, Lex is the thing standing in the way of Alex and their crew, between Alex and their family. It does not matter that Lex focuses his pain by trying to crush Alex, that his well-chosen words are slowly beating them down.

Alex is a fighter, a soldier, a veteran of the sky.

Alex belongs here.

Lex can't take that from them.

Alex is the Captain.

And it is not just that their crew comes first, but that their crew is all there is. The crew is part of Alex.

Alex will save them.

Lex keeps talking, keeps taunting, his words biting deeper and deeper, chipping away at what little defences Alex has left. They let their face relax, morph into pain and fear for Lex to see, to salivate at, as their mind kicks up again.

Lex is too strong physically, that is obvious. They can't fight him.

But Alex is cunning and calculating and determined.

They will think their way out of this.

Letting fear grip their chest, letting their terror at being prone and helpless before him show on their face, Alex shakes their head frantically, as if attempting to block out what Lex is saying.

They use the motion to scan the deck around them. Their revolver and knives are gone. There is only debris close by, damaged pieces of the ship scattered on the deck. Pieces of tattered sail, splintered wood, arrows and rope and netting. There is nothing they can use as a weapon-

James' mech arm, just out of reach.

If they can scuttle backwards Alex is sure they can reach it, can shoot him and end this. But he's towering over them, laughing as he watches them panic. They need him to look away. Just for a moment, Lex needs to look away from Alex.

But how? Seeing Alex like this, trapped and helpless beneath him? This is what Lex wants, this is what he lives for, this rush of power. Nothing Alex can do will make him look away, not when he thinks he's so close to winning, to ending this.

Their eyes find Maggie. One of Lex's men still grips her arm tightly, keeping her from interfering. Her face holds pain and real, hopeless fear.

She looks so scared for Alex. For all of them.

Alex looks at Maggie and pleads with her. They just need something, anything, and Alex can catch Lex off guard and end this.

Lex thinks he has a helpless woman prone and vulnerable beneath him. He thinks he's won. What better moment to take this from him, when his confidence lets him underestimate Alex.

Alex looks at Maggie, begging her silently, before turning back and looking up at Lex where he stands above them, dominating and cocky. He's still tossing barbs out, still trying to verbally break Alex, to completely crumble their resolve.

Alex doesn't hear the words. They wash right over them.

They can't reach for the false arm until Lex isn't looking. Lex and his men don't know that it holds a weapon inside, otherwise, it would have been confiscated instead of just tossed aside.

There is the sound of another scuffle. Maggie decks her guard in the face, not even waiting to see if he retaliates before she turns her back on him and runs towards Winn, dropping to her knees and skidding to a stop next to him. Multiple weapons train on her but Lex halts them with a soundless hand raised in the air, silencing them as he considers Maggie.

He turns away.

It's all Alex needs.

They are obvious in their movements as they shuffle backwards and away from Lex. They don't want to be stealthy, don't want Lex to think they are planning something. Alex wants Lex to be aware but choosing to ignore them for the time being while he sizes up his new target.

Alex scuffles backwards, making it seem like they are only panicking and putting distance between themself and their tormentor, inching until their hand bumps the piece of mech.

Alex's eyes trace the deck; they are on the ground, out of everyone's line of vision. Right now everyone is focused on Maggie as she crouches next to the unmoving Winn, on Kara as she still hovers over James, who is bleeding but seems alert, on Lex as he chooses which person to hurt next.

Hands sliding over the metal, slowly drawing it closer, Alex breathes deep, willing the panic to stay down for a few moments longer. They've run out of options. This is it.

Shouting.

Vas and M'gann are moving, each with a blade as they go for the closest of Lex's men.

Alex feels a surge inside. This is the moment.

Lex's attention slides, tracking Vas and M'gann's distraction, before he whirls back and takes two steps towards Alex, his eyes wide with his outrage.

Alex grasps the mech arm, bloody fingers sliding over the gears to find the hidden mechanism as they level it at Lex.

It takes Alex a moment to understand why the sound of the shot firing seems so deafening.

Alex gasps as the mech kicks back in their hold.

Lex drops to his knees as two blooms of crimson form, one over his heart and one in his forehead.

He falls forward, unmoving.

The deck is silent.

As Lex falls it reveals J'onn standing behind him, revolver still trained on Lex's unmoving form.

At the sight of J'onn, at the feelings of relief and safety and gratefulness and love that come flooding into their system, Alex collapses back onto the deck, James' false arm sliding from their hold and falling to the deck next to them. They lie on their back for a moment, staring up at the sky.

It's almost dusk now.

(Waking up with Maggie seems like ages ago.)

Alex feels spent. They feel exhausted and overworked, their body is in significant pain, their mind feels cloudy, and there is a gaping hole in their chest as thoughts of Lucy rise to the surface.

It's over. They've won. But Alex is still left feeling empty.

J'onn's booming voice rings out over the deck. "Enough! This is over now. Make this easy for yourselves and put down your weapons."

It takes Alex eight long seconds to realise J'onn is talking to Lex's crew, not Roaming Star's.

Tears of both sorrow and relief mix together and slide down their cheeks as Alex tiredly turns their head to the side, half-heartedly scanning the deck. Following Vas and M'gann's lead, Roaming Star's crew have rebelled against their captors, physically forcing Lex's crew into submission.

J'onn stands in the middle of the deck, tall and imposing as he repeats himself, telling Lex's men that their fight is over now that their Captain is dead. Without their leader and with the renewed hope surging back through Roaming Star's crew, Lex's men hesitate, losing the power they once had.

Alex lies still, simply breathing and allowing their body a moment of rest as general sounds of movement happen around them. Vas takes charge of securing Lex's men somewhere they won't cause problems. M'gann begins ushering the injured below. J'onn takes over on deck, overseeing as everyone tries to figure out what to do next with Roaming Star in a dying state and still tethered to the enemy.

Maggie catches Alex's eye. She looks regretful, like everything in her wants to go to Alex. But she's half supporting Winn as M'gann instructs her to help him down to the mess to have his wounds tended to.

Alex nods Maggie forward. There will be time for that later, for Maggie's soothing presence and soft words and gentle touch.

Right now they have a wrecked ship and an injured crew. Those things must come first.

Alex sits up and everything tilts violently to one side, their vision dizzying and disorienting.

They feel nauseated. But also like they are too exhausted to be sick right now.

Blinking a few times and feeling their arms shake as they try to support themself, Alex is about to collapse back onto the wood when strong arms support them, encircling their waist and steadying Alex where they sit.

"Easy, Captain," Clark says.

Their head is pounding and their vision is unfocused and Alex leans heavily into his hold. He has a black eye and a gash across his forehead, but he wears a look of breathless happiness and pride.

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing I couldn't handle," he assures them. "The rest of Lex's men, the ones that were searching the ship - my crew and I took care of them. They're tied up and locked in the cargo hold."

It isn't until Alex is up and swaying unsteadily that they even realize Clark has coaxed them to their feet and is helping them stand. "Come on, Alex. We need to get you down below."

Alex half-heartedly protests, because they are the Captain, because everyone else should come first, because there is so much work to do, because Roaming Star is dying, because they are still two days from Halifax, because it feels like something heavier than exhaustion gripping them, because Lucy went over, because, because, because.

Clark lets Alex mutter weakly through their reasons, their foggy mind stumbling every few words and their unsteady limbs staggering every few steps as he quietly ushers them towards the companionway and helps them down the stairs.

It seems like everything is moving faster than Alex can process, like Alex stands still as their surroundings blur and skip ahead. The two of them enter the mess and it's already been transformed from an eating space to a makeshift treatment area. M'gann carries supplies and purposefully strides back and forth across the room, assessing who is in the greatest danger and doing what she can. Kara appears, grabbing bandages and alcohol before disappearing again, tending to the wounded pirates under Vas' supervision.

Clark sits Alex down at a table in the middle of the room and Alex feels like a heavy anchor amidst a hurricane. Everything moves too fast. Clark drifts away for a moment.

Alex blinks and Clark has a cool compress pressed against their forehead.

They blink again and he's almost finished wrapping their knuckles.

They don't remember when their hands started bleeding.

Alex closes their eyes against the flurry happening within the cabin. Right now they are grateful their crew know what to do, that they can carry on after all that's happened even while Alex isn't alert enough to instruct them.

Hearing a voice they recognize, Alex looks up from watching Clark wrap their hands and finds J'onn standing next to their table. It startles them, Alex didn't know he was in the room, but even though they recognize the surprise it feels like their body hardly moves. They feel too tired and dizzy to react properly.

He's speaking with Clark. Or maybe he's speaking to them? They aren't sure. They just focus on listening. He says the remaining men that were on Bloody Steed have been brought aboard and are in the cargo hold with the others. The pirates will be brought before the Skyman's Guild and the port authorities when they reach the harbour.

Bloody Steed has been left to sink.

Roaming Star limps onwards to Halifax.

There are still other ships in Lex's fleet out there, but there's nothing that can be done about them right now.

The pirates are being held in the cargo hold; it's the only empty space large enough to keep them. Vas has taken charge of them. Someone makes a joke about that, about the Cargomaster now having human cargo to watch over, that, of course, Vas is in charge if they are being kept in her cargo hold, and Alex laughs.

It isn't a laugh. It's a single, breathy sound. More of an exhale than anything else.

J'onn rests a warm hand on Alex's shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze.

Their eyes water.

They look up at him. J'onn smiles and nods once at Alex, but he doesn't say anything.

Vas appears in the hatchway. She seems agitated, speaking quickly. The words pass right over Alex's head. Vas has a bandage wrapped around her arm. It's already bleeding through.

J'onn's hand falls from Alex's shoulder.

J'onn and Vas leave.

Alex's mind drifts, thoughts spinning and cycling and replaying everything that's happened. It feels like the sky battle lasted days when it hardly lasted the afternoon.

It seems unbelievable that the ship is still airborne. Alex isn't sure how long that will last. They have no idea how severe the damage they've sustained is. They've felt out of touch of important things the Captain should know ever since the yard fell on them. But it seems unlikely they'll reach the harbour by air.

It's now, in the aftermath, that the suffering somehow feels worse, feels stronger and more suffocating as their mind loops over and over through the day's events.

The heaviness and truth of what's happened, the replay of the sky battle, continue to rush over Alex. They relive their exhaustion, their pain, their anguish. The feelings sweep over like waves, dragging Alex underwater and tossing their limp body through repeated batterings as they struggle to find the surface.

And they do find the surface.

They've defeated Lex. The skies, the ships, the skysailors; they are all safe now from his torture. No more skyships will go down at his command.

It's over.

They're safe.

But the relief doesn't feel deserved. It feels spoiled. Everything now feels too real and harsh, it feels like too much to try and process, yet Alex's mind won't stop trying to process it.

Alex is alive. But they feel empty.

Blinking away the foggy thoughts, Alex comes back to the present. Clark is gone. James sits next to Alex. James' pants have been cut into shorts and he has a bandage wrapped around each thigh, one for the arrow wound and one for the bullet hole.

M'gann sits across from him, talking quietly with James as she bandages Kara's ear and addresses her broken arm. Alex can't catch the words they're saying. They sit at the same table, but everything sounds muffled. M'gann's hands seem to be moving too fast for Alex to process.

It makes Alex feel nauseous, watching M'gann's hands work, so they look down instead. And they find a mug of something warm in their hands.

They don't remember when that was put there.

Alex feels exhausted but not weak. Their crew take care of them, but it doesn't feel like Alex is useless right now. It just feels like sharing a burden, like now it is Alex's turn to rest. It doesn't matter that Alex is the Captain and they are the crew, it feels more like they are all family and are taking care of each other.

When M'gann finishes with her, Kara gets up and goes to sit next to Lena, who is asleep on one of the cots that have been dragged in from the berth. Kara's eyes are red and Alex remembers that Kara thought Lena was gone. They watch as their sister gently touches some of Lena's hair and then takes her hand and starts whispering to her.

(Alex wonders where Maggie is.)

The wound in Lena's abdomen has been redressed. Alex isn't sure if M'gann has stitched it or only repacked it, but Alex knows they'll check on the wound themself when their head doesn't feel as if it's underwater.

Winn is lying on the cot next to Lena. His nose is broken, as are three of his fingers on his left hand. There are bandages covering the two shallow slashes running along his left arm, and one covering the deep gouge in his palm. Alex hasn't taken a good look at it but they also saw the slash across the top of his left hand.

Alex is worried the tendons have been cut.

Alex is worried Winn may not be able to tinker again, not with the shape his hand is in right now.

Lena and Winn are the two most in danger - Alex hasn't considered the severity of their own injuries - and they are still two days from receiving proper medical attention. For now, M'gann, and Alex, when they are able to, will have to make do with what they have.

Alex may be the ship's Surgeon, but that doesn't mean anything if it still feels like everything is spinning and cloudy around the edges.

A flurry of motion. Alex looks up, catching James' back as he sprints from the room. M'gann starts hurriedly moving around the mess, gathering bloody rags and shifting furniture out of the way.

Alex isn't sure if M'gann is moving fast or if their mind is processing too slow. They wonder if James was even running. Everything feels distorted, like they are watching the room through thick glass. Time doesn't feel like it is passing correctly.

They aren't sure how long they've been in the mess. It feels like hours, like days have passed since they collapsed on the deck after Lex went down.

In the swirling chaos, Alex notices two things: Kara isn't in the room anymore, and there is yelling coming from somewhere beyond the mess.

Alex's heart starts to beat faster.

They remember Vas standing in the hatchway to the mess. Vas looked agitated. Vas said something that made J'onn leave immediately.

And now Kara isn't in the room.

They can't remember if Kara disappeared before or after Vas and J'onn left. Is the shouting related to why the two of them left? Is the shouting related to why Kara isn't in the mess anymore?

Alex is back underwater. People start moving in the mess. Alex can't process what's happening around them; they sit still in their chair as the room starts to speed up without them.

Things are blurring and whirling past Alex and they feel sick.

They catch M'gann's face and see worry there.

There's more shouting. More people are in the mess. Alex can't focus on who they are. Just that they aren't Kara. Kara isn't here. She's gone.

She must have gone back to the cargo hold.

Kara was in the cargo hold with the pirates before, she must have gone back to look after the injured.

Vas looked agitated. Alex didn't get to hear why Vas was agitated. Why was she agitated?

The shouting is muffled, like it is coming from deep inside the ship.

Like the cargo hold.

The cargo hold is right below the mess. They remember Kara was down there, was helping the injured pirates. Even though they tried to harm the crew, tried to help Lex bring down Roaming Star, Kara still tended to their injuries.

And now Kara is missing, Vas and J'onn are gone, and there's shouting happening somewhere on the ship.

Something bad has happened, Alex is positive.

Their heart beats faster.

It hurts to breathe.

Alex wants to move, wants to see and understand and know what's happening on their ship but they feel trapped. Exhaustion has hit. They cannot move. Their limbs and their mind all feel sluggish. It takes so much effort to process what's happening around them that moving seems impossible.

People are moving too fast in the room. Alex isn't even sure how many people there are. It could just be M'gann moving.

Alex hears pounding feet and shouting.

Kara's hurt.

Alex is positive.

Kara was in the cargo hold with the pirates and now Alex is sure they've done something to hurt her, to try and escape, to take over Roaming Star once more.

Alex needs to go to her, to find her, to make sure she's okay, to protect her. They need Kara to be okay. They can't lose her. Not after all this.

They can't lose Kara too.

Not after losing Lucy.

Alex tries to stand up. Their legs shake and their arms shudder and everything seems to tilt to one side. Their hands are on the table, trying to brace their weight. They need to stand on their own. They need to find Kara.

Something presses down on Alex. An overbearing weight. It takes hold of them, pressing down heavily on their shoulders and Alex collapses back into the chair, their breathing heavy and their body worn out. The weight holds them in place, the weight keeps them from seeking out their sister.

Alex stares at the table, blinking, unseeing. They feel like they're going to be sick. The bile rises up, up from inside them. Their head spins. It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to breathe.

Kara's voice.

Alex's head shoots up.

Kara.

Alex doesn't process anything else, doesn't care about anything else. They can see Kara. She's standing. She's alive. She's okay.

It isn't just Alex's vision; their entire world, their entire being, narrows to focus on Kara.

They can't lose Kara.

People are moving around her, blocking part of Alex's view. She doesn't seem to have any new injuries. She's speaking, talking to others in the room but she's alive and that's all Alex needs to know.

Alex lets out a breath.

As long as Kara is okay. As long as Kara is okay Alex can survive this unending day.

Then something happens.

At first, it feels almost like something impacts Alex, like some physical force moves their chair. But their body is so weary, their mind is sluggish. The entire room is spinning with not Alex, but Kara at the centre. Kara is the only thing that seems to stand still. Everything else is too much to process.

It seems like maybe some external force has moved Alex, but then the movement keeps happening. It feels like Alex is slipping, is falling from their seat.

They grab onto the table, fingernails clawing into the wood to try and steady themself.

It feels like everything tilts to one side. Alex's mind seems to swell, the dizzy, nauseous sensation becoming overpowering. Kara is the only thing steady as Alex's entire field of vision tips sideways.

A slow breath.

Everything rights itself.

It's the ship.

Roaming Star.

It must be. That's what's happening. That's why there was shouting.

The ship is struggling.

Alex still doesn't know how much damage they took from Bloody Steed's attack.

They wonder if J'onn mentioned it when he was in the room earlier. They try to recall his words, to see if he mentioned just what kind of shape Roaming Star was in.

Alex can't remember anything J'onn said.

They must be losing altitude; that's why Alex is so dizzy. They're dropping too fast. The rapid change in altitude is affecting Alex.

Maybe that's why Clark and James are gone. Maybe the crew is preparing for a water landing. Alex doesn't know how long they've been in the mess, but if the turbine took enough damage it's unlikely they could manage even an hour. Especially without the entire mainmast and all of its sails.

Alex stares at Kara.

She seems alarmed. Distraught.

It doesn't matter. J'onn is on deck. Whatever is happening, Alex trusts him to see them all to safety, to make the necessary calls to keep everyone safe. There's nothing Alex can do from the mess. Not when the room continues to spin like it is right now.

They focus on Kara and feel their heartbeat begin to slow, their breathing return to normal.

Kara is alive.

Alex is alive, and so is Kara.

Alex is alive, but so, so tired. They wanted to sleep when the yard fell on them, but they couldn't.

But Alex can sleep now. They feel sluggish and sick. Rest will help.

Alex sinks forward, crossing their arms on the table and letting their head droop to rest on their arms.

They close their eyes.

At least Kara is alive.

They breathe deeply.

Lex tried to kill her. But she is still alive. Their sister is still alive because the crew tried to protect her. James protected her. Winn protected her.

Lucy protected her.

Alex squeezes their eyes shut as the tears begin to leak out.

They let out a heavy, wet sigh as the grief and pain and anguish wash over. Alex's awareness of everything else shrinks as thoughts of Lucy rise. Everything Alex tried to hold back, to suppress, to push down until their family was safe rushes back to the surface.

Alex did their job as Captain. They saved the crew, they stopped Lex and ended his reign of destruction.

But Lucy is gone.

Lucy. Their best friend, their second, their Chief Mate. Lucy, who always seemed to know what Alex was thinking. Lucy, who helped Alex become more comfortable with themself. Lucy, who had so much love to give. Lucy, who lived without hesitation.

She didn't hesitate. Alex knows this. The same way Alex didn't hesitate, years and years ago when Alex jumped in front of their Captain, when Alex took a bullet for their Captain. They know Lucy did the same. Lucy saw what was coming and chose to save Kara.

Alex cries.

A warm, heavy weight settles between Alex's shoulder blades. It presses down, not hard, just enough. Just enough to encourage the tears to flow.

Lucy is gone.

Alex knows they will be the one to tell Lucy's family. Lucy's father, the general with the British army. He is a hard man who never understood his daughter's way of life. He never understood how she could live a life in the sky and dance so easily between ports, caring for and sharing a bed with multiple people.

Alex will have to stand before him and explain that his daughter will never come home again. They will have to explain to Lucy's mother, who is all soft smiles and demure actions from years of living in the court of Queen Victoria, that her daughter fell to her death.

Will Lois be there? The sister Lucy always had a strained relationship with, the one who writes under a male's pseudonym for the London newsprint. Will she be there as Alex presents Lucy's parents with her will and her belongings?

(But no body.)

And then there are Lucy's lovers, the men and women she sees when they dock the ship up and down Europe's coast.

They should know what's happened to Lucy, know why she won't call on them any longer. Alex knows Lucy's will has their names, their addresses. Alex can't face them, these people Lucy shared her heart with. Alex will have to write to these strangers and tell them Lucy died a hero, died protecting her crew, her family.

Lucy will never have a crew of her own now.

* * *

_They're at the prow, wind in their hair and laughing as the two of them lean over the nose of the ship._

_They almost died today._

_They almost died today, but Lucy, now freshly appointed Chief Mate, had saved their lives. Lucy saved the lives of the entire crew, swooping in like a lioness and practically fending off the pirates single-handedly._

_Alex is still in awe thinking about it._

_"You did good today, Luce," they say, staring ahead, open sky before them._

_"Mm. I did, didn't I?"_

_"You were amazing." They pause, then, "You'll be a Captain one day, I know it."_

_"That's the dream."_

_"It'll happen, Lucy," Alex insists. They saw something in Lucy today. They've always known Lucy to be a leader, a fighter. But today, she showed how determined she was to protect her crew, how ruthlessly she was willing to risk everything for them. "One day, you'll have your own crew and-"_

_"My own crew?" Lucy snaps and looks at Alex, eyes fierce. "Who said anything about my own crew? When I become a Captain, I'm taking this crew with me. You can go and find yourself some new people to follow you around the sky. This one is mine. I'll fight you for them."_

_Alex roars with laughter._

* * *

Alex lies with their head cradled in their arms and cries.


	16. epilogue: the universe has bigger plans for you and i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's helped with this, supported this, and left comments and kudos. It's been a wild ride. Thanks for sticking with me.

Alex stirs to the feeling of fingers trailing up and down their arm. Slow, sweet, gentle touches.

They blink their eyes open and find they're in their cabin, lying on their bed. Maggie sits cross-legged, turned facing Alex so that one knee touches Alex's shoulder and the other touches their side.

Her hand trails absentmindedly over Alex's arm; she's looking in the direction of the porthole but seems unfocused on anything in particular. Likely replaying her own memories of what's happened.

"Hey." It comes out as a croak. Alex frowns, taking a moment to clear their throat and try again. "Hey."

Maggie tilts her head down.

Her expression is one of worry and regret, the lines of her face hard and stern. But her features gentle, softening as she looks down at Alex. Her eyes have a dreamy shine as she meets Alex's gaze. Her dimples don't show; it's a small smile, a sweet one, not a full-blown grin.

It makes Alex feel happy and warm, watching Maggie's face as she watches Alex. Maggie's presence creates a small sanctuary, a space of peace and relief.

Watching her, it feels like Alex can breathe again - like their lungs are taking in fresh, clean, crisp sky air. When for so long it has hurt to breathe. Just seeing her smile helps the last of the tension slide away, like standing on the shore as small waves gently lick at ankles buried in the sand.

It makes Alex feel loved.

"Hey, yourself," Maggie whispers. "How do you feel?"

"Tired," is the first thing that comes out.

Maggie smiles sweetly but one corner of her smile turns down slightly. "Understandable. You didn't sleep well last night."

Alex takes a moment to process this, eventually asking hesitantly, "You stayed with me?"

Maggie nods. "You asked me to."

"I did?"

She gives a low chuckle. "You did, so I stayed. You were pretty restless, kept waking up. Bad dreams?"

Alex refuses to let the tears come so early in the morning. Instead, they squeeze their eyes shut and turn onto their side, moving as close to Maggie as possible and pressing their face against her leg.

Maggie doesn't say anything. She just lets her fingers card through Alex's short hair soothingly.

Alex stays like this for a while, touching Maggie and letting Maggie touch them. Focusing on the comfort the contact brings, the way it eases the ache in their chest, if only a little.

They let themself relax, feeling safe with Maggie watching over; knowing she was watching over as they slept. The sharpness behind their eyes fades as they focus on breathing, on feeling the lulling, rocking motion of the ship.

Roaming Star sails over water now; Alex can feel the difference. At some point during the night, J'onn and Clark must have eased the ship into the water.

They were so close to making it across safely. Only two days short of reaching their destination, of reaching the safety of the sky harbour.

Alex thinks of the costs of all the repairs the ship will need and groans, burrowing deeper into the bed and closer to Maggie's body.

After a while, Alex pulls back slightly and peeks up at Maggie. She's looking out the porthole again. Her hand cards steadily through Alex's hair, but her attention is focused beyond the walls of the cabin.

Alex catalogues everything they can of Maggie. The frizz of her hair, the small smear of dried blood over her right cheek. Her eyes look red; not from crying, but from want of sleep - Alex wonders if Maggie didn't just stay with them in the night, but if she stayed up, stayed awake, keeping watch over Alex.

She's changed her clothes and cleaned off some of the soot and sweat from the fight. There's a bandage on her arm from the stab wound from one of Lex's men.

She seems tired - exhausted, more than likely - but serene, sitting on the bed with Alex and staring out the porthole.

"What are you thinking about?"

Maggie smiles but doesn't look away. "Birds, actually."

"Birds?"

"Mm," she nods. Her hand doesn't stop moving through Alex's hair. Alex settles themself, leaning on their back more so they can look up comfortably at her as she speaks. "When I was younger, I loved listening to the seabirds when I was out on the water. Not just the gulls that would circle the boats as we sailed out, but the shorebirds, the plovers and stilts and terns that would be on the beach when we'd bring the nets in at the end of the day."

She slowly turns her gaze, looking down at Alex and smiling slightly. Her hand slips down from Alex's hair and finds their hand, letting their fingers link together.

Maggie goes on, "When you sail on water and stay close to shore, the birds are loud. You get accustomed to them. Even flying with you, each sky harbour is still over a lower harbour; they're still filled with birdcalls. We've been out over the ocean for days now and it's something I've noticed, just how quiet the sky is this far away from shore. I haven't heard a bird, not even a gull, in days."

It doesn't feel like a heavy moment, it doesn't feel like this is leading to something deeper. The moment feels more peaceful, like Maggie is just sharing her thoughts. But still, Alex asks hesitantly, "Is that, is this a bad thing?"

"No, no," Maggie assures gently. "Not a bad thing. Just something I've noticed. I'm not used to life being quite so quiet, that's all."

"It's quiet for me, too," Alex reveals softly. "Not in the same way it is for you, maybe, but it is quiet."

They stop, but Maggie gently squeezes their hand, encouraging. Alex takes a slow breath and continues. "I'm used to being between ports for a few days at a time; you still always come back to the harbours and all the sights and sounds. I love the sky, I do, but this open, endless ocean is... Daunting? I don't know if I could fly back and forth like this all the time. Some sailors prefer it, the quiet."

Alex sighs and Maggie frowns just slightly, like she knows what Alex is going to say next.

"Kara," Alex sighs out, "I know this is wonderful for her. I know this has been the best two weeks she's had in ages. The silence of the ocean is a blessing for her. She's, she's loving this. I know she is. And I can't take that from her. But for me," they sigh again, "it will take getting used to, sailing the open ocean more frequently. I don't miss the birds exactly, just all the sounds that come with the harbour. This has felt... empty."

Maggie frowns. "Lonely?"

"No," Alex assures right away. They give Maggie a meaningful look, feeling bashful but letting their face reflect their affection. "Not lonely."

Dimples show as she smiles. "Good."

"How is everyone?"

Maggie ponders this for a few beats, considering how best to answer. "Okay," she begins. "Yesterday, it, it took a lot out of everyone. It took a lot out of the ship." She shakes her head sadly and sighs. "But we're alive. Honestly? I think everyone is stuck somewhere between the aftermath trauma and relief that it's over. Everyone seems... Happy, but numb."

She frowns, like those words aren't right, like they don't fit what she's seen of the crew. But Alex nods their head in understanding anyway. They know what she's trying to say.

(It's how Alex feels right now. How Alex felt last night.)

"When did we drop into the water?"

Maggie seems unsurprised that Alex has surmised this on their own. "A little before midnight. James sealed the turbines as best he could and Clark eased us down. J'onn's been on deck since yesterday. He said you deserve the rest." Alex smiles at that. "He and Clark both say we'll make it to Halifax okay."

"We're still going to Halifax, even with Lex gone?"

Nodding, Maggie says, "We're almost there. I think at this point everyone just wants to reach the shore, and Halifax is closer. Kara said going over water, especially with one less mast, will be a lot slower. It could take an extra day, or longer, to reach New York."

Alex understands. "The ship may not make that." Not after the battle yesterday.

And it's not just the ship. Some of the crew needs medical attention. The sooner they reach the shore, the better. New York will have to wait.

"Lena's okay with it," Maggie adds. "She was okay with us changing course to Halifax before the attack. She said that hasn't changed."

Alex lets out a small breath of relief. "How is she?"

Maggie's face becomes very serious. "She's grateful to be alive. Which is because of you."

"Is she upset that...?"

"Her brother is gone?" Maggie finishes. "I think she mourned the loss of her brother a long time ago. I don't really think who she saw yesterday was her brother. She's upset, but I think it's more about everything that's happened, all the death and destruction he's caused. The guilty association she feels, bringing us into this."

Alex has already told Lena they don't blame her for what's happened. She sought out Roaming Star's help because of the ships speedy reputation, not because she intended to drag Alex and their crew into the heart of things.

"She's not mad at you," Maggie adds, watching Alex's face carefully. "If that's what you're worried about. She's alive and her plans are safe. I don't think she has any hard feelings. You did what you had to do to protect everyone. Including her."

This is good to know, but Alex will still need to talk to her. Later, when they feel okay enough to leave the pocket of calm they're in right now, lying down with Maggie sitting at their side. Later, they'll go down to the mess to check on her. To look over her wounds and talk about what's happened.

Thinking of Lena in the mess makes Alex think of Winn. "How's Winn?"

Maggie's face falls. She closes her eyes for a moment and Alex can hear the hesitation in how she breathes, like just thinking about him hurts for her. They squeeze her hand, needing to know but letting Maggie take her time.

"He's... He's alive. His hand is... A mess. He's coping." She frowns, and her next words sound concerned and soured. "Dark humour. I'm worried about him."

Alex is not terribly surprised to hear this is how Winn is coping. "I'll talk to him."

"He's afraid he won't be able to tinker," Maggie says quietly.

Alex nods. They let their voice be firm, wrapping around Maggie and assuring her. "When we reach the harbour we'll get him to a hospital, have someone look at his hand." Alex doesn't know how bad it is, and M'gann would have only bandaged it. Alex can look, but Winn's best bet is a specialist.

"We'll see what can be done for him," Alex goes on. They shake their head, giving a laugh that feels both real and false. "He made a mech arm for James. He might, he might need to make something similar for himself."

Maggie sits very still on the bed next to Alex. Her eyes are damp. She nods with Alex's words, trusting Alex's hope, Alex's strength. But she still looks upset. She still clutches Alex's hand. "Just remind him he still has his family."

Alex watches Maggie, curious but not pressing.

Her breath hitches as she says, "After my father had his accident - when he couldn't walk or work the fishing boats. He, he grew depressed and reclusive. Bitter. Angry. What Winn was saying earlier, the dark humour he was using? It reminded me of my father. How angry he got when he couldn't work. Alex, don't let that happen to Winn."

"I won't."

And it's true. Winn has a family here. It may be how he needs to cope right now, but Alex won't let bitterness and dark humour become all Winn knows. Alex and everyone else on board won't let Winn's spirit spoil. They don't know how bad his hand is. He may still be able to tinker, after rest and letting it heal. Alex needs to make sure Winn holds onto that, the positive, rather than getting trapped in the bitterness of what he thinks is inevitable.

"How's Lena. Her wound, I mean."

Maggie brightens. "She's okay. She's, I mean, it's bad, but she's doing alright. Winn's been awake a lot, from what I hear. But he's still in the mess. He wants to keep Lena and Lucy company. But Lena's doing okay. She knows you'll take a look at the wound when you can, but M'gann's been keeping it clean and wrapped. She's been doing that for all three of them. I'm pretty sure Kara hasn't left the mess either. She helped with dinner last night, and breakfast this morning. I think she's afraid if she leaves, one of them will get worse. I don't blame her, I mean-"

Somewhere in the middle of her words, the world stills. For Alex, everything slows, slows, stops.

They hear nothing, not even their heartbeat, not even their breathing. Silence seeps into Alex. Stillness taking over.

Maggie's words repeat inside their head over and over. There's no connection. No understanding.

"Maggie..."

Maggie's brow furrows. She squeezes Alex's hand and then lets go, her hand reaching up to card through Alex's hair tenderly again. "What?"

Gooseflesh rises over Alex's skin. They frown, biting their lip. They shake their head slightly. A cool sensation erupts, travelling up their body and rippling over their skin as they work through the confusion.

"Alex," Maggie says tenderly, trying to reassure them. "Alex, everyone is okay, it's okay." Her hand keeps moving through their hair, massaging their scalp gently. "You can look them over when you're ready. But you got hurt yesterday, too. No one blames you for letting M'gann take over for now. You can check them all over when you're feeling better, I promise. But you need rest as much as they do."

They shake their head again. "No, it's not..."

Their heart is pounding.

_Lucy. Lucy. Lucy._

"What is it?" Maggie asks again, patient and soft.

"You... You said..."

"Alex, what's wrong?"

They're so quiet, they're so scared to ask, but Alex forces themself to breathe out the word. "Lucy?"

Maggie smiles. "Yeah, she's in the mess too. She's... She's doing alright. Tired, but alright."

"How... Wh..." Alex isn't sure what they want to ask. They just know they need to understand.

Maggie frowns and waits.

Tears flood their eyes and they stare at Maggie in confusion. "Lucy's alive?"

Maggie melts. She nods mutely and shifts, lying down next to Alex on the bed. And Alex doesn't hesitate. They clutch onto Maggie, pressing their body as close as they can as they start to shake, as they start to cry, as they release everything they've been holding back.

And Maggie is like their anchor. She holds Alex, ignoring how tightly Alex is clutching her, how Alex is dampening her shirt with their tears, how Alex's body shakes in her arms. She holds Alex, running her hand up and down their back and kissing and whispering into their hair as Alex cries.

They cry until they are exhausted, until their body is too tired to keep shaking. But they don't let go of Maggie; if anything, once they stop crying Alex presses closer, trying to seep and sink as deep into her embrace as they can.

When it seems like Alex has calmed, Maggie speaks up. "She's okay, Alex. She's okay."

"How?" Alex whispers.

"Don't you remember last night?" When Alex doesn't answer Maggie shifts them so she can still hold Alex but look them in the eyes. Her arms encircled their body. "Alex, you were in the mess when Clark carried Lucy in." She frowns sadly. "I was with you, I was right next to you."

"What?" Their voice sounds weak and raw from crying but it also sounds small, carrying a childlike vulnerability.

Alex is afraid that somehow even speaking of this will break things. The hope handed to them is so fragile, they're afraid to do or say anything to crack it. Like if Maggie talks, if Maggie explains, things will change and Lucy will be taken away again.

Maggie leans forward, pressing a hardly-there kiss to Alex's lips. Then she pulls back and one arm moves, her hand cupping Alex's face, her thumb stroking gently, soothingly.

"She caught one of the lines. She was unconscious. She lost a lot of blood. But after Lex went down, after the pirates were taken to the cargo hold and we got you and the others into the mess, we found her in the catch netting."

Alex shakes their head, still not understanding. "She's alive?"

"Yes," Maggie says, gently but forcefully - not angry, but her voice is sure, her voice carries confidence, wanting to convince Alex. "Yes, she's alive. You don't remember anything from last night?"

Alex shakes their head. They feel small. They feel like they've done something wrong.

But Maggie is calming and patient. "I was in the mess with you. James and I were helping Clark get her below deck. You tried to stand up as soon as you saw her. I had to hold you down." She gives a look that is somehow a frown and an endearing smile at the same time. "You were so shaky, I thought you were going to fall over. As soon as I caught you, you collapsed back into the chair."

"I don't..." They don't remember this.

Maggie goes on, "You were staring at her as they put her down on one of the cots. Alex, you were watching her, you saw her, I was right next to you. You were looking right at her. I dragged a chair over so I could sit with you; you were swaying with relief as soon as you saw her. I had to hold you - you almost fell out of your chair as you watched them clean her wounds. I..." she loses her momentum and stumbles, "I was rubbing your back while you were crying." Maggie has tears in her eyes.

Alex shakes their head and bites down hard on their lip, trying not to cry again. "I don't remember. I don't remember seeing Lucy."

Maggie frowns.

"I, I thought it was Kara," Alex says, trying to recall what they can of the foggy night before. "I thought something had happened to Kara. I remember watching her, seeing her." They think harder, trying to grasp at the mist just out of reach. "There was something happening in the cabin, I remember the commotion. But all I remember is the relief of seeing that Kara was okay. I thought, I thought something had happened to her. I heard shouting." Their hands clench into fists against Maggie's shirt. "She, she wasn't in the mess. She was next to Lena and then she was gone."

Smiling sadly, Maggie explains, "Kara came running up to the main deck as soon as she heard we found Lucy. You must have seen her when she came back into the mess with me. You don't, you don't remember seeing Lucy at all?"

"No," Alex says. Last night was disorienting to experience and it's disorienting to try and relive it now, but they're positive of this. "Just Kara. I don't, I don't, I," they stumble, ashamed, and break eye contact as they say, "I don't even remember you being there. I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The tears don't come as hard and as fast this time, but Alex still presses their face into Maggie's neck.

"Oh, Alex," Maggie soothes. "It's okay that you don't remember. You almost died yesterday. More than once. You don't need to apologize. It's okay."

Maggie keeps comforting Alex, whispering softly, holding them securely, and pressing light kisses here and there. She stays with Alex and slowly Alex relaxes again. They focus on breathing, on following the rise and fall of Maggie's chest and mimicking it until breathing feels natural again.

They breathe Maggie in, her warmth and her affection and her strength. Maggie doesn't seem to mind that Alex can't remember; that yesterday's events seem to trip and tumble and blur into one another as Alex tries to remember. She just holds them, and Alex lets the tension and pain drain away.

Alex realises they must have dozed off, because at some point they wake up again, blinking bleary and tear-sore eyes open.

They're lying partially on top of Maggie, upper body curled over her, face pressed against her chest, arms wrapped around her middle.

She must be stiff and sore from lying like this, with Alex's body weight on top of her, but her hand is carding through Alex's hair as they wake up, as if she was doing it even while they slept. When she senses Alex waking she dips her head forward, kissing the top of their head and holding them, just holding them, so that Alex knows they don't need to pull away.

"I'm crushing you."

"No, you're not," she insists, hugging Alex tighter before releasing to let Alex stretch.

They do, and suck in a sharp breath at the pain it brings.

"Easy," Maggie says lowly, her voice a mumble in Alex's ear.

Alex nods, sitting up slowly. They rub their eyes, which are squinty and tender from sleep and from crying and from exhaustion. When they look down at Maggie she looks serene, a soft smile on her face.

One of Maggie's hands reaches out, ghosting to trace over Alex's ribs. "How are you?"

Alex takes a few minutes, checking in with their body, recounting their injuries and analysing their pain. A concussion - last night's fogginess confirms that - and probably more than one broken rib. Unfortunately, there isn't much Alex can do medically for themself except to rest and ease the pain. There are no bandages or stitches for those kinds of wounds.

There are no bandages or stitches for emotional wounds either, nothing like that to help everyone heal from the trauma of last night.

But they are all alive, and they have each other, and it will be enough. They are a strong and supportive family, and they will carry the hardship together, and learn to heal.

(And Lucy is alive. Just that knowledge is enough to keep Alex going, to make their physical pain seem minor. Lucy is alive. Alex feels incomparable relief.)

"I'm okay," Alex answers Maggie. They explain what they know of their injuries, and Maggie agrees that rest will be the best thing for Alex.

There is a stretch of silence that Alex breaks when they can't hold the words in anymore. "I need to see her."

Maggie doesn't try and stop Alex. But she does remind Alex to take it slow, that they've only just finished agreeing that Alex needs rest.

Alex nods, understanding but also impatient. Maggie helps them stand and dress, and then is right there, gentle and supporting as she helps Alex to the mess.

As they step out of Alex's quarters, Alex takes a moment to stand on the upper deck, breathing in the fresh air. The mid-morning sun is bright and warm and helps release even more of Alex's tension. If their heart wasn't beating _Lucy, Lucy, Lucy_ then Alex would want to sit outside, to simply bask in the sun and the relief it brings. The night of trauma is over. It is a new day, the sun silent and strong above, and they are all alive.

The air is different as Alex stands at the rail, Maggie's hand in their own. They sail in the ocean now, not above it, and the ship kicks up spray and mist as it makes its way towards Canada. The air tastes richer, wetter, tangy and salty and feels like a balm inside Alex's lungs. The sun warms their skin and the air warms their chest. They feel alive, they feel at ease, and they feel safe with their family.

As Maggie's hands guide Alex down the steps and across the deck the crew stop and smile. They seem to understand not to overwhelm Alex, not to all rush forward and offer their praise and their thanks, but they all nod at their Captain, an acknowledgement of all Alex did, and has done in the past, for them.

Alex takes the time to make eye contact with each and every person on deck, acknowledging that they did not survive yesterday on their own, that every member of the crew was a part of their success. That everyone fought bravely and have made Alex proud.

But then Alex's heart starts to beat a little stronger, a little more insistently inside their chest, and Alex heads below.

Lena is on her cot, stomach wrapped with clean bandages. M'gann sits next to her, and there is a low table between them that the pair is using to play cards. Winn sits next to M'gann, silent but watching the game. Nearly his entire left arm is hidden away in bandages.

Lucy is on a cot as well. She's awake. Quiet, but awake. The cat is curled up next to her on the cot, asleep.

If Maggie's arms weren't around them, Alex is sure they'd collapse. Just standing in the hatchway, seeing Lucy lying there, injured but alive, is enough to steal all the breath from Alex's lungs. Their legs give out for a moment and they sag in Maggie's arms.

Lucy looks over. She smiles.

Alex sobs and rushes forward. Their head and their ribs protest at the sudden and quick movement but by the time Alex even registers the pain they are already across the room, dropping to their knees and nearly throwing themself into Lucy's arms.

The cat makes an indignant yowl and ducks under the cot, his purrs of content turning into angry hissing at being displaced.

Lucy winces in pain as Alex connects with her but doesn't say anything, just wraps her arms tight around Alex and squeezes. Alex presses themself deeper into her arms and cries, fast but silent tears.

She's alive. Alex's best friend, their second, their Chief Mate, the person Alex loves and trusts most in the world next to Kara. Their best friend.

She's alive.

"I thought you were gone," they mutter into her chest.

"I thought I was gone, too, for a little while there," Lucy replies softly, so that only Alex can hear. "And, hey, you scared me first." Her voice wavers; Alex can tell she's holding back tears. "I thought you were gone when the yard fell on you."

Alex just hugs her tighter.

The last of their pain, the fear and anguish that was still hanging over them even after the battle ended, it finally ebbs away. Being here, getting to see and touch Lucy, having proof that she's alive - it's like she's the salve for a poison, cool and refreshing and finally, finally letting Alex relax, letting Alex feel relief, letting Alex breathe.

When Alex has a better handle on themself; when they no longer need to be hugging Lucy in a death grip and allow themself to be coaxed into a chair next to her cot so long as they can still cling to her hand, Alex lets their eyes look Lucy up and down.

She's pale. Her skin is off-colour and her eyes, though happiness shows at seeing Alex, look dull. Her movements are slow, pained, despite her trying to hide it. She seems rested but also out of breath. She's been shot in the leg - bad, but not lethal. And she has a graze wound on the top of her shoulder; the second shot from Lex.

Alex's eyes sweep the room, registering everyone else, but all of their attention is still on Lucy. "I thought you were gone," they repeat.

Lucy laughs. It's tight, it's restrained, but it's still a laugh. "Can't get rid of me that easily. We do all those safety fall drills for a reason."

"I can't believe you caught one of the lines."

"Why do you sound surprised?"

"You were shot, Luce. Twice."

Lucy scoffs as if this is not as big a deal as Alex is making it out to be. "That's why we do the drills, Al. So that grabbing the line and landing on the netting is second nature." She glances past Alex, over at Maggie. "You see now, why we did it your first day here?"

Alex doesn't look away from Lucy. Maggie must only nod in acknowledgement because Alex doesn't hear her say anything in response.

"The drills were your idea," Lucy goes on. "You were doing them long before I joined the crew."

"Still," Alex says. They can hear the tears in their voice. They sound wet and afraid. They cling to Lucy's hand, refusing to let go. "Still, I... I thought, I thought you..."

"Well, I'm not. I'm still here. I told you, I'm always going to be here for you. I love you."

"I love you, too," Alex says, unable to stop themself from leaning over and hugging Lucy once more.

* * *

Alex stays in the mess the entire day.

After M'gann gets some food into them Alex thoroughly checks over Lucy, and then Lena and Winn.

And then every other crewmember.

It is a long day.

Winn's arm is in bad shape. The tendons aren't cut, which was Alex's worse fear, but even moving his fingers causes him extreme pain. His nose is broken, swollen and discoloured and making it hard for him to breathe, and when the mast exploded a piece of wood was impaled into his shoulder.

Lena is cheerful but restrained; she's pale and sweaty and Alex is worried about infection. She lost a lot of blood, and the bullet wound in her abdomen was bruised and made worse by Lex physically attacking her after he shot her. Alex doesn't think the bullet hit anything vital, but with Lex kicking her, they're still worried about internal bleeding.

After Winn, Lucy, and Lena - the three who are in worst shape - Alex checks in with each and every crewmember.

Aside from Alex's ribs and Winn's hand, Kara is the only one with a broken bone. Most of the injuries are bullet and arrow wounds, burns, or injuries from the ship's destruction like falling crates and exploding wood.

If Alex could, they would prescribe bed rest to each person on board Roaming Star. But the ship is struggling to make land as it is, and no one else's wounds are as serious. As long as they can stand and do their work, everyone insists to be allowed to help on deck.

Some of the injuries are bad, but not enough to keep the stubborn and determined off their feet. Alex stitches and bandages what they can, and insists M'gann keep everyone hydrated. And they set up a rotation system. The ship needs makeshift repairs and the deck has to be cleaned and cleared of hazards before anyone else gets hurt, but Alex insists that not everyone needs to be on the deck at once.

James is the worst. At least Kara, though she wants to help, is limited by what she can do by having her arm in a sling. James, with a wound in each thigh and without Winn to help, tries to stay on the deck around the clock, doing his best to keep Roaming Star going until they reach the harbour.

Alex checks over everyone. It takes the better part of the day, and by the end of it they are weary and swaying in their seat, but they make the time to check over everyone, both physically and mentally. They all shared a trauma yesterday, Alex can't ignore that, and they need to know exactly where everyone stands.

Begrudgingly, silently, Alex also checks over the pirates being held in the cargo hold. But only because Kara insists a few of them are badly hurt. And only because Vas stands guard the entire time, revolver at the ready, watching Alex's back.

* * *

From the moment they detached from Bloody Steed and began making their way to Halifax J'onn sends up distress flares every few hours. They are still a ways out from land - they were two days from Halifax when Lex attacked, and are moving at a significantly slower pace now - but the closer they get to the port, the busier the seas and skies will be.

A skyship responds to them first; a sleek, two-mast vessel named Princess Helena. They do not have enough room on board to take all of Roaming Star's crew and the pirates they have in holding. Instead, they take the worst injured - Alex is included in this, despite numerous protests - and ferry them swiftly to Halifax sky harbour, while leaving behind supplies and a few of their own crew as aid.

Two groundships find them next, and between them, Roaming Star limps into Halifax's lower harbour.

With Alex and Lucy both taken to the nearest hospital, J'onn steps in as interim Captain. The pirates are taken into custody by the port authorities and J'onn goes to the Guildhall to give his report.

It is for the best that J'onn does this instead of Alex. The Sky Masters in Europe begrudgingly allowed Alex their rightfully earned Captainship. It is unknown what sort of respect Alex, with a woman as their second, would be given here. J'onn knows how to interact with these men. He is black but he is a veteran of the sky and has been dealing with chauvinistic white men for much longer than Alex has.

For formality's sake, J'onn takes Clark with him as his second, though Alex knows J'onn would have rather taken Vas. Clark has nearly two decades experience skysailing, just as J'onn and Vas do, it's only that J'onn has worked closely with Vas for much longer, well before Roaming Star first took flight. But right now is not the time to fight the Skyman's Guild about narrow-minded views and restrictions.

They spend a week in Halifax recovering and making preliminary repairs to Roaming Star. When those in the hospital are well enough to travel, Clark - who has connections everywhere - secures them sky passage to New York. It takes some time for Roaming Star to arrive, but once it does, the serious repairs begin.

After Alex insists that she doesn't need to pay for the repairs, Lena instead finds and pays for lodgings for the entire crew during their stay in New York.

The repairs are expensive, but Alex has always been prepared for this. Whenever they would take a job the majority of the fee would go towards the upkeep of the ship - repairs, supplies, and food and freshwater. The rest of the earnings would be split between the crew for each member to use as they wished. But there was always money for repairs.

During her first trip with them, Lena paid three times Roaming Star's usual fee in order to get to France swiftly. All of that coin, plus most of what was in savings for ship upkeep, Alex puts towards the repairs.

(The coin Lena provided for the voyage across the Atlantic goes somewhere else.)

The repairs are costly and take weeks. Roaming Star was near death and requires a new turbine, a new mast, and fixing the cannonball craters on deck and the damage to the hull.

The new turbine is a mismatch. Though Lord Mech is popular, much of the mech used in Europe is different than what is available in America, so finding a match for the broken starboard turbine is impossible.

James and Winn combine their personal savings in order to buy a port turbine to match the new starboard one, insisting even if they don't have Lord Mech anymore they can't fly with mismatched parts, and that Roaming Star would never be able to keep up its reputation.

The repairs take time, but so does healing from the attack. Alex, like Lena and Lucy, is on bed rest for weeks.

In Alex's mind, bed rest simply means not working extensively on the ship and exhausting themself, instead of being confined to an actual bed for weeks and weeks.

As the repairs continue much of the crew disperse. They scatter between New York and Boston harbour, finding work on the sky docks or skyships sailing along the East Coast. They keep in touch, assuring Alex that as soon as Roaming Star is sky-worthy again they will be back on board.

Lena reaches out to her contact. She gets her plans to safety - Alex doesn't ask where or how, just makes Lena promise that they are secure. Then she starts working on her prototype for the new skyship mech. She promises that as soon as they are tested and safe, Alex's ship will be the first to use her new mech.

During their first two weeks on land, most of the crew are swarmed with reporters asking about the attack and about the demise of Bloody Steed and it's Captain, the self-crowned Pirate King of Europe. They all try to answer what they can but defer to the Guild to answer most of the questions.

Lucy writes to Lois. She gives a clear, detailed recount of what happened and then sends it off; her account offers more detail than what Alex or the Guild or the port authorities have told the reporters in America. She's hopeful Lois will gain more credibility with this, as she will be the only reporter with such explicit details of what happened over the Atlantic.

Kara is miserable in New York. It doesn't matter if she's on the ground or in the sky above; it is all too sooty, dirty, and loud for her. Quietly, almost regretfully, she asks Alex if she can join Lena as she works on her prototype.

Alex doesn't even hesitate in saying yes. They know New York is torture for their sister, and Lena's lab is quiet and tucked away, giving Kara the space she needs to relax.

And Lena is there, which likely helps.

Because Alex is supposed to avoid strenuous work during their initial recovery, meaning there is little they can do to help with the repairs and they can't find work on another ship in the meantime, they spend a lot of their time watching the other ships in the sky harbour.

Watching, critiquing, studying. The ships in America are a little different than the ones in Europe - not strictly better or worse, but Alex spends time analysing the different elements, finding what they like about the American designs and what they prefer from the European designs.

When they are able to, Alex visits the Guildhall, inquiring about shipbuilders.

(Roaming Star won't last forever, Alex knows this.)

Multiple people in the Guild point Alex towards one gentleman in particular. Alex spends a few days in the man's shipyard, watching and detailing his work, making sure he is the best they can find.

He is. Alex contracts him, commissioning the building of a new skyship.

Alex has talked it over with the crew - all save for one member, anyway, since it is a surprise. All of the money Lena paid to have them take her across the Atlantic, without it even being divided into the crew's wages, the entire sum of it goes towards the initial deposit for the new ship.

When Lena catches wind she contributes as well. Alex half-heartedly protests, but part of them is touched, is grateful for her generosity.

The new ship will take over a year to build, possibly two. The repairs they are making to Roaming Star right now are necessary if they want to keep flying, but faster designs for ships and flying mech come out every year. If Alex wants to stay on top they know they'll need a new ship with state of the art mech sooner rather than later.

When Alex signs the deeds for the commission, they sign Lucy's name as the Captain.

She's earned it.

Like J'onn, Alex has learned that the best gift they can give as Captain is to train their crew as best they can and then to eventually step down, allowing others to shine.

(They name the new ship Lioness, though they suspect Lucy will change that as soon as she catches wind of what Alex is up to.)

(But to Alex, Lucy will always be a lioness, fierce and protective of her family.)

Lena's contact also adds to the payment for the new ship, which completely baffles Alex. Neither Alex nor any other member of the crew have ever met this woman, so why should she offer to help pay for Lioness' construction? But late one night, with Kara asleep at the worktable and Alex quietly sipping their drink as Lena tinkers with the beginnings of her prototype, Lena explains. Her contact contributed for two reasons. The first is that the new ship is expected to be completed around the time Lena's prototype is ready for testing, so the new ship will be where Lena first gets to test her design beyond the confines of her lab.

Lena offered to let Roaming Star be the first to test her prototype, but Alex insists that the tentatively named Lioness would be better for it. Roaming Star is a good ship, but even Alex knows that in two years time it may not be the top of the line anymore. Alex won't prematurely retire the ship, far from it, but Lena's design is a better fit for Lioness. A new, sleek, state of the art skyship design will give Lioness an advantage over the existing competition, yes, but also being the first to carry Lena's prototype? A ship that can harness steam power more effectively and efficiently than any other skyship? It will put Lioness in high demand the minute it first leaves the shipyard and starts its first voyage. Skyships still rely on coal and steam; Lioness will still carry those components, but it will also incorporate Lena's designs to allow it to harness wind and solar energy.

Lioness could be the fastest skyship ever built.

Lena's contact sees the building of Lioness as an extension of Lena's prototype, and as such is willing to invest in it for the potential to be associated with the first of a new line of skyships. She sees it as a way to brand Lioness under her own corporation, for Lioness' success to be an extension of her company. Putting down money to help pay for the construction of Lioness is a business decision, and Lena insists that her contact is one of the best businesswomen in America.

The second reason, Lena explains, is that over her first few weeks in New York, Lena spent a lot of time recounting Roaming Star's voyage to her contact and the woman seemed to take a particular liking to Lucy. She had already heard of Lucy's sister, apparently knowing that the male journalist Lou Lane was, in fact, a woman.

Alex doesn't follow the entire story, even Lena seems unclear on the details. But it seems that as soon as the woman understood that Lucy was going to Captain the new ship she didn't hesitate in helping to pay for its commission. Without even meeting Lucy, Lena's contact saw something in Lucy that she admired and wanted to help grow.

And that Alex can believe. Lucy has drive and passion. Lucy deserves this.

While the repairs for Roaming Star continue - and the groundwork for the new ship and Lena's prototype both start - the crew are fractured, working here and there along the East Coast. Vas and Clark find work easily; both of them have sailed the world over and have connections everywhere. Clark ends up sailing between the South Atlantic states and Vas sticks to the Maritimes of Canada for the time being.

James, and Lucy when she's fully recovered, both stay close when they look for work, sticking to travelling between New England and the Mid-Atlantic. Neither stays on one ship for long, instead preferring to move between the same harbours rather than with a single crew.

Alex and Winn both end up working part-time on Princess Helena - the skyship that first found them and helped carry their wounded to Halifax. The two can only afford to be in the sky part-time, however, as neither of them wants to be away from Roaming Star for too long. They are both anxious that something could go wrong with the repairs if they aren't there to supervise.

Though, Winn has other reasons for only working part-time in the sky. It's hard to work as an Engineer while his hand is still healing. Most of what he is doing is contract work, where he can give ideas and suggestions and do minor single-handed tinkers while Princess Helena's main Engineer does any of the two-handed tasks. The man is older and looking to retire so Winn is helping him train his replacement.

His hand isn't wrecked beyond repair, thankfully. He doesn't need to design a mech hand to match James'. But even though the bones and the wounds have physically healed, fine-detailed tasks are still a challenge for him - tinkering, writing, he has to re-learn it all with a hand that cramps with pain and shakes beyond his control.

Kara spends the majority of her time with Lena, hiding away in the quiet of the lab instead of in the noisy sky ports above. But she isn't idle. When she's not helping Lena with her prototype she's researching Atlantic weather patterns and storms, looking for the largest ports and developing some new routes for Roaming Star to fly once the ship is back in the air once more.

M'gann finds work in Boston Harbour, which is where her husband is currently working. She ends up hired on the spot at an upscale restaurant on the waterfront, and then ends up turning it down to work instead at a lively tavern that caters mainly to sky and ground sailors. Maggie and Alex go and visit. M'gann's husband insists on cooking for them, and Maggie learns that J'onn was right when he said the man was a terrible cook.

Maggie and J'onn both find work together on the same skyship, sailing under one of J'onn's oldest friends, someone he met and sailed with the first time he took to the skies almost two decades ago. The ship already has a Master Gunner, but the Captain allows J'onn the time and space to train Maggie as part of the Guncrew.

Alex can see J'onn's intentions clear as day. Although it was down below, where Alex couldn't see, Maggie must have truly stepped up during the sky battle with Bloody Steed. Alex knows she would have kept a level head and done exactly as J'onn instructed her.

For now, Maggie trains as one of the ship's Guncrew, working towards being the Gunner's Second Mate by the time Roaming Star is ready for the skies again. But J'onn confides in Alex that one day he wants Maggie to carry the title of Master.

It takes Alex days to stop smiling about this. And for Maggie to stop giving Alex confused looks whenever Alex does so.

* * *

The skylift platform comes to a stop, but Alex doesn't move to step off right away.

Roaming Star is healthy and in the sky once more.

The ship is transformed where it hovers in the air, tethered to the port down below as the last of the cargo is loaded. A new turbine sits on either side of the ship's hull - American models, not Lord Mech. James and Winn have spent days familiarizing themselves with the new mech and have assured Alex that they know the new pieces inside and out and are ready for anything.

A new mainmast reaches up from the centre deck once more, sturdy and strong and with no trace of the damage from months ago. All three masts carry new sails - crisp and white, they sit puffed out, already catching the wind and ready to carry the ship forward and out to sea.

Gleaming brass spiders skitter across the deck and over the hull, the automatons hard at work making sure the ship is fully ready for flight. The deck's fresh beams of wood show no traces of the sky battle damage, no burns or buckshot holes are present. The hull has been repaired, the wood replaced and the metal ironed out so no cannonball damage shows.

The ship still has its scars, just like the crew do, but as it hovers in New York's sky harbour it looks healthy, ready to take on the sky once again. Roaming Star's scars won't keep it grounded, won't keep it or it's crew from being afraid to fly.

"It looks good."

Alex smiles and squeezes Maggie's hand tighter. "It does."

The platform is level with the ship's gunwale, and Maggie and Alex both could easily hop over the side and be on the ship's deck once more. But neither move right away, silent words passing between them. Instead, they look out over the harbour.

Huge skyships claim the sky, spread out and tethered in rows stretching out in either direction. Ropes and netting crisscross across the sky. Gulls soar close by, catching drafts and hovering on the breeze coming in off the sea. Bits of brass gleam here and there - spiders skittering across lines and the ships' gears and cogs and all manner of mech catching the sunlight. Skylifts raise and lower all over the sky harbour and cranes swing left and right, both working to carry crew and cargo onto and off of the ships.

Like any sky port, the ships cast giant shadows on the lower harbour. And the waters below are filled with groundships, huge and hulking ocean liners and smaller, scrappy fishing vessels. Like above, the piers are filled with people loading and unloading goods.

But New York harbour is different than other places Alex has been.

London is loud and bustling, filled with soot and grit and grime. London is old; the buildings and the docks are old and sturdy, built to last. There are people and mech everywhere, but the mech used in London's harbour are traditional. London is a machine, well oiled and well cared for. London has always survived and will keep on doing so. It isn't that London is resistant to change, more so that London just knows what works and continues with tradition.

New York is different. Alex thought London was loud, but New York feels even louder. It seems busier, like more people and ships are crammed into the harbour than are seemingly possible. And the mech in New York is brassy and new. New York seems like a place that is always changing, always moving forward and advancing on what already exists. Where London is full of the smoke and steam of old mech, New York is bursting at the seams with brass cogs and copper wires of new creations.

There is mech everywhere. Automatons - spiders as well as others Alex hasn't seen before, some larger, some smaller - are all over, rushing along ropes and ship hulls. Large mech creatures lumber below, moving cargo and people alike. And where London had only a few varieties in the models of the large steam beasts, New York has a wide array, all with unique and complicated tinker designs to move large volumes of goods and cargo to and fro. There is more mech in this harbour than in any other Alex has seen. And not all of the mech is even useful, some seem to do useless tasks, or complicate tasks more than they need to. But still, people use the mech.

It's fitting, Alex thinks, that Lena chose to come here to work on her prototype. If any place can get behind the emergence of new skysailing mech, it is this place.

"Glad to be leaving?" Maggie asks, leaning on the rail of the platform and looking down, scanning the crowds of people below.

Their hands still stay linked.

Alex nods and moves closer, leaning on the rail next to Maggie and letting their sides touch. "The sky is home."

"It calls to you, doesn't it?"

"Every day."

Maggie smiles. "Me, too."

They both turn as they hear Winn calling them. Alex offers their hand, helping Maggie over the lip of the ship, and then vaults over.

The minute their feet hit the deck, hit the deck of Roaming Star, of their ship, of their home, Alex sucks in a deep breath. They hold it in a moment, feeling the way their lungs expand and their heart eases, and then they let it out.

Maggie links their hands again.

"Well, don't you look fancy."

Alex looks up, watching as Lucy hangs in the rigging of the foremast for a beat, smirking at Alex, before she leaps down.

She lands daintily on her feet despite her high boots. Maggie chuckles.

"Seriously," Lucy says, nodding towards Alex. "Nice clothes. Where were you?"

Alex glances down at themself. They're wearing a royal blue blazer with a white blouse underneath. The blouse has a lower neckline than Alex would normally wear - it's Kara's, Alex ended up with grease prints on their nice blouse and didn't have a chance to buy something new. It doesn't show more than Alex is comfortable, just gives a hint of what could be there but isn't. The jacket is plain, without the flashy brass or lace women would wear. It's a man's cut, loose and not at all form fitting, but missing the expected pocket watch and chain that would be showing on a man's coat.

Their hair is freshly cut short - Maggie cut it for them two nights ago. After weeks of being stuck in America, it was starting to get long. Maggie quietly sat Alex down at the kitchen table of the small apartment they'd been staying in the last week, waiting for the rest of the crew to make their way back to New York, and trimmed Alex's hair, fingers gentle and tender as she moved the scissors. Unfashionably long for a man, outrageously short for a woman, exactly the way Alex prefers.

The elements all come together to create the look Alex feels most comfortable in. It causes people to turn back and look again, to frown and think for a second or two longer. The cut of the blouse and Alex's tall, fitted boots suggest woman. The cut of their hair and the plain, loose jacket suggest man. It is the juxtaposition, the ambiguity, that Alex feels comfortable in.

They still cannot bind for too long - their ribs have healed by now, but Alex is trying to take things easy. They don't bind their chest for more than a few hours a week right now, and never when they are working on a ship. They want to, but they also want to take things slow. Too much compression on newly healed ribs could cause pain and lead to health problems. For now, Alex is content in exploring how they wear their clothes, dressing just so, enough to press against society's expectations, to make someone second guess themself after addressing Alex as "sir." Not enough to correct themself, but enough for them to frown and take a closer look.

Enough to challenge what exactly society deems masculinity and femininity.

Fingering the hem of the blue blazer, Alex answers Lucy's question. "The Guildhall."

"What for?" Lucy asks, cocking her head and looking curiously at Alex.

Alex squeezes Maggie's hand. "Just finalizing some papers, making sure Roaming Star is completely clear to fly."

Alex was at the Guildhall, but they were signing more documents and petitioning on behalf of Lucy becoming a Captain.

It is not as easy as simply finding a ship and directing the crew, not when you're a member of the Guild. There are a number of rules and regulations, documents and applications and forms to be filled in, and having a sponsor that the Guild respects with enough experience who will vouch for you.

It was hard years ago for J'onn, a black man, to sponsor Alex, someone seen as a woman. It was hard years before that for the Guild to even allow someone to sponsor J'onn and let a black man become a certified Captain with the Guild.

But having Alex, who is neither man nor woman, sponsor Lucy, a woman? When women do not belong in the sky?

Lucy may be a Lane, she may have some status behind her name, but having Alex as a sponsor does not mean much, unfortunately.

It's a headache and a half of Alex biting their tongue and trying to impress people. To hold back their comments, to dress formally and attend meetings. To pretend not to hear the rude comments said about them.

Lucy still doesn't know about Lioness, and that's what keeps Alex going. Knowing how surprised and touched she'll be when everything is said and done, when all the forms are signed and she can legally Captain Lioness on behalf of the Skyman's Guild.

"Still?" she asks. "I thought you had everything cleared a week ago?"

Alex shakes their head. "You know the Guild, something always comes up at the last minute. I missed signing my name on _one page_ out of who knows how many and they got upset and called me back." They wave their hand dismissively. "It's fine, though. I got everything sorted."

"Why so fancy if you were just signing something?"

Alex makes a face. "The Guild here is... A lot less lenient than in Europe. Less respect if you aren't a man. It's a lot of humouring people."

Lucy tosses her hair. "Bureaucrats and rich snobs with too much power, I hear you."

She says, "That's why I left home" at the same time Alex rolls their eyes and says, "That's why you left home."

Lucy scoffs and mocks offence at Alex's words, dramatically throwing a hand over her heart and lamenting to Maggie about how her Captain's words wound her. Maggie laughs, but lets go of Alex's hand in favour of wrapping her arm loosely around Alex's waist.

Alex can't help leaning into her touch.

"Well, I can see when my company is no longer appreciated. A girl can take a hint." And with that she saunters off, heading towards where Vas and J'onn are reviewing the last of the cargo being loaded onto the ship.

Maggie leans a little closer to Alex, dropping her forehead onto their shoulder and slowly breathing them in. Her hair falls forward, blocking her face, but Alex can tell she's smiling.

It still makes Alex melt, knowing that they're the one to get to see Maggie like this, so carefree and soft with her affection. They wrap an arm around her shoulders and kiss the top of her head, feeling happiness bloom inside them as Maggie seems to curl into their touch.

" _I_ appreciate your company," she says as she presses a kiss to their shoulder and then pulls back.

She has a happy grin and her dimples are showing and Alex just, Alex beams. Alex has their ship again, has Kara and J'onn and Lucy and the rest of their family, and they have Maggie.

"I think she meant we didn't appreciate _her_ company, Mags."

Maggie shrugs and chuckles, eyes dancing. Her hand finds Alex's again and she leads them towards the prow.

When they reach the nose of the ship the pair turn and stand so they can watch the crew. The majority of the movement and conversations happening are on the main deck; alone on the foredeck, Alex and Maggie have a private moment to watch the crew together.

Kara is on the upper deck at the back of the ship. She and Lena are leaning against the fore rail having a moment together, much like Alex and Maggie are. When they cast off they will be leaving Lena behind in New York so she can continue to work on her prototype, but both Kara and Alex have assured Lena that they will be back in New York again within a few months.

At the very least, Alex assures Lena that Roaming Star will have to return by the time Lioness is ready to set sail for the first time.

Kara looks happy. She's quiet and a little subdued, having to leave Lena behind. But even though New York is louder and busier than any other harbour Alex has seen, Kara doesn't droop with the overstimulation of sights and sounds. These few months of rest and research alone in the still and silence of Lena's lab have done wonders.

Although she's sad to be leaving Lena, Kara is just as excited as the rest of the crew, if not more so, to be casting off once again.

James and Winn are standing near the portside rail. Winn is holding one of the spiders, inspecting the automaton and taking information from it in a way only he seems to be able to. He holds the mech in his right hand; his left hangs down at his side, curled and tense. He's getting better at using it again, but it will still be a long while before his dexterity can match what it once was. But he has his sky family supporting him, and his fiancé waiting in Wales, and Alex has made sure he knows he isn't alone.

Although he's inspecting the mech, Winn is also talking with James. He doesn't look up; his focus is down on the tiny clockwork creation in his hands, but he's talking excitedly with James. James, who is leaning as far over the rail as he can, inspecting their new turbine one last time and completely ignoring whatever it is Winn is saying.

James splurged while in New York. After the sky battle with Bloody Steed, his mech arm was a little worse for wear. It wasn't completely broken, but without Winn able to easily put it back into working order, James needed something new. He still has the old arm, and when Winn is ready, he'll take a look at it again. But in the meantime, James has a new false arm. It gleams in the midday sun, brass cogs and gears catching and reflecting the light in that way only brand new mech can.

M'gann and Clark are both hauling barrels of food down the companionway to the mess. They're joking about something because Clark is smiling and M'gann is laughing so hard she has to pause in her steps so she doesn't fall.

M'gann said her goodbyes to her husband earlier in the day. He came down from Boston to see his wife and Roaming Star off. They have plans to meet up in a few months time in Germany when he will be there for work. M'gann is in good spirits though, as this is a dance she's done many times with her husband by now. She says she doesn't think of it as a goodbye so much as a chance to let the anticipation build before she gets to say hello again.

Clark is on board as the Master Helmsman once more, but he's told Alex he's not sure how much longer he'll stay on with the crew. Clark has always been a traveller, someone with a bit of mystery behind him. And he has that sweetheart that only James knows about. He still wants to sail, to see the world and do right by it, but maybe on his own time again. His time on board with Kara and Alex might be coming to an end.

Alex can respect that, but they've told him that he can tell Kara himself this time instead of just disappearing from her life again.

J'onn, Vas, and Lucy are standing together in the centre of the main deck, right next to the new mainmast. Alex isn't sure what they're discussing, but it looks like a very animated conversation.

(Lucy's dramatics are likely involved.)

J'onn has promoted Maggie to the position of Gunner's Second Mate, and Maggie has caught on that he's training her to take over the ship's safety and defences one day. Although he doesn't show it, Alex knows he's anxious to get back in the sky. The ground was never his home, not after his family died. The sky is where he belongs. New York was just an extended rest. But he wants to be back in the sky, where he doesn't have to hide who he is and where he is free and equal and just as deserving as everyone else.

Vas has insisted to Alex more than once that Italy should be one of their next stops, as it's been months since she's been home and seen her wife. She said she signed on for travel, and she doesn't mind if sailing the Atlantic becomes more regular for them, but she'd still like to make it home more often than once every six months.

And even though Alex agreed, Vas and Lucy went on to conspire together to ensure that some of the cargo being loaded in New York was bound for Italy.

Some of it is also bound for England because Lucy felt it was time Alex and Kara visited Eliza again, since they didn't have a chance to see her when they were last in London.

Alex isn't sure how they feel about this.

Kara is excited, as she gets along with Eliza. But Alex and their mother don't often see eye to eye.

She's trying, Alex knows that she is trying to accept that Alex will never be what Eliza envisioned for them. More of her comments now are focused on the less-than-safe lifestyle Alex leads instead of on what clothes they wear or how they cut their hair. But sometimes interacting with her can still be challenging and exhausting.

And then there's the matter of Maggie, and Alex's relationship with Maggie, and how Eliza will handle that.

Kara is hopeful. Alex is sceptical. And Maggie keeps insisting that she doesn't need to meet Eliza if it will make Alex uncomfortable.

Alex doesn't plan on making a final decision until they are pulling into London's sky harbour.

And even though they'll be in London for longer than a few hours this time, Alex suspects Lucy won't be going to visit her parents. After Lois' story came out and the General caught wind that one of his daughters had been on board the ship that took on Bloody Steed he insisted that Lucy come home immediately, that she'd spent enough time putting her life in danger and it was time to grow up and become a proper member of society.

Unsurprisingly, Lucy didn't bother to answer the letter.

Alex hasn't told Maggie, but some of the cargo is also going to Lisbon. They know Maggie's been writing to her brother, and, against their better judgement but with Lucy's wicked encouragement, Alex copied the address of her last letter.

The letter Alex wrote to Maggie's brother wasn't long. They didn't mention their relationship to Maggie or anything Maggie may not feel comfortable sharing, just that they would be leaving New York soon and when approximately to expect Roaming Star to reach Lisbon if he wanted to surprise his sister.

Alex left their forwarding address at their mother's place, so hopefully, if he does reply, the letter will be waiting for Alex in England.

They'd like to surprise Maggie by having her brother greet her on the docks when Roaming Star pulls into Lisbon harbour. Alex knows she's been sending brief letters to him, mostly just updates on her whereabouts. But Alex also knows that even if her relationship with the rest of the family is strained, Maggie still misses her brother greatly and is struggling to cope with being cut off from the rest of her family.

Seeing him again would make her happy. Especially if she doesn't have enough time to tell him when she'll be back home and he somehow shows up to meet her on the docks anyway.

"You know," Maggie muses quietly from where she stands next to Alex, "you really are different the moment you step back on board. Not just with this ship, it's not just that you're the Captain. It's any skyship." She tugs on Alex's hand, turning them to face her properly. "As soon as you're off the ground, it's like you're lighter."

"Lighter?"

"Mm," Maggie agrees. "You stand taller, but not just because you have a responsibility here. It's like you can breathe easier."

"I told you the air is different up here."

Maggie chuckles lightly. "You did. But I distinctly remember you telling me it was colder in the sky."

"It is colder."

Maggie rolls her eyes and huffs and Alex smirks at her.

They've grown closer now. There hadn't been a lot Alex enjoyed about being stuck in New York and unable to do any strenuous work, forced mostly to watch from the sidelines as Roaming Star was rebuilt. But getting to spend time with Maggie, away from the sky and being Captain and having responsibilities had been wonderful.

She spent her time with J'onn training to be part of the Guncrew, but she and Alex would still make time to see each other when her ship was between cargo deliveries. And they spent the last week on the ground together, waiting for the rest of Roaming Star's crew to make their way back once they learned the ship was ready to sail again.

Getting to know Maggie away from the prying eyes of the crew, being able to explore New York with her, learning her favourite types of food and how she doesn't mind the rain and how she hates getting up in the morning and how giving her even a single flower lights up her face for the entire day - all of that has made Alex aware of just how much happier they are now.

How much happier they are because of Maggie being in their life.

Roaming Star has always been Alex's home, and having Maggie there hasn't changed that. But it's made Alex appreciate their home even more, how they have this space where they are free to be themself and to share their life with Maggie.

Having Maggie on board Roaming Star has made Maggie part of Alex's family, has made her part of Alex's home.

They do feel lighter, standing on the deck of their skyship once more. But it isn't just the sky air that makes them feel this way, that makes them feel happy and content and relaxed and safe and loved.

Part of it is Maggie.

"So," Maggie asks, "where are we off to first?"

Alex looks at Maggie, with her dimpled smile and her shining eyes.

Alex looks out over the deck, at their family preparing Roaming Star for flight once again.

Alex looks out over the prow, past the nose of the ship and out into the open sky before them.

The sun is golden and comforting as it shines from above, warming their skin, the deck, and everyone's spirits. The sky is wide and azure as it stretches limitlessly towards the horizon where it eventually coalesces with the ocean's dark and wondrous blue. The air is crisp and clear, filled with the sounds of gulls, of waves, of brassy mech and steam beasts and dockworkers below.

Alex looks back at Maggie and smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find bonus material for this fic [here](http://daysofinspiration.tumblr.com/tagged/steam+fic).


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